Chapter V: Part 5

Now this Province is like that are Grahamite lawyer's beef, its too good for the folks that's in it; they either don't avail its value or wont use it, because work ant arter their "law of natur." As you say they are quiet enough (there's worse folks than the Blue Noses, too, if you come to that,) and so they had ought to be quiet for they have nothin to fight about. As for politics, they have nothin to desarve the name, but they talk enough about it, and a plaguy sight of nonsense they do talk too. Now with us the country is divided into two parties, of the mammouth breed, the INS and the OUTS, the ADMINISTRATION and the OPPOSITION. But where's the administration here? Where's the war office, the Foreign Office and the Home Office? where's the Secretary of the Navy? where the State Bank? where's the Ambassadors and Diplomatists (them are the boys to wind off a snarl of ravellins as slick as if it were on a reel) and where's that Ship of State, fitted up all the way from the forecastle clean up to the starn post, chock full of good snug berths, handsumly found and furnished, tier over tier, one above another, as thick as it can hold? That's a helm worth handlen, I tell you; I don't wonder that folks mutiny below and fight on the decks above for it --it makes a plaguy uproar the whole time, and keeps the passengers for everlastinly in a state of alarm for fear they'd do mischif by bustin the byler, a runnin aground, or gettin foul of some other craft. This Province is better as it is, quieter and happier far; they have berths enough and big enough, they should be careful not to increase 'em; and if they were to do it over agin, perhaps they'd be as well with fewer. They have two parties here, the Tory party and the Opposition party, and both on em run to extremes. Them radicals, says one, are for levelin all down to their own level, tho' not a peg lower; that's their gage, jist down to their own notch and no further; and they'd agitate the whole country to obtain that object, for if a man can't grow to be as tall as his neighbor, if he cuts a few inches off him why then they are both of one heighth. They are a most dangerous, disaffected people--they are eternally appealin to the worst passions of the mob. Well, says tother, them aristocrats, they'll ruinate the country, they spend the whole revenu on themselves. What with Bankers, Councillors, Judges, Bishops and Public Officers, and a whole tribe of Lawyers as hungry as hawks, and jist about as marciful, the country is devoured as if there was a flock of locusts a feedin on it. There's nothin left for roads and bridges. When a chap sets out to canvass, he's got to antagonise one side or tother. If he hangs on to the powers that be, then he's a Council man, he's for votin large salaries, for doin as the great people at Halifax tell him. HE IS A FOOL. If he is on tother side, a railin at Banks, Judges, Lawyers and such cattle, and baulin for what he knows he can't get, then HE IS A ROGUE. So that, if you were to listen to the weak and noisy critters on both sides, you'd believe the House of Assembly was ONE HALF ROGUES AND TOTHER HALF FOOLS. All this arises from ignorance. IF THEY KNEW MORE OF EACH OTHER, I GUESS THEY'D LAY ASIDE ONE HALF THEIR FEARS AND ALL THEIR ABUSE. THE UPPER CLASSES DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE VIRTUE THAT'S IN THE MIDDLIN AND LOWER CLASSES; AND THEY DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD FEELIN THAT'S IN THE OTHERS, AND BOTH ARE FOOLED AND GULLED BY THEIR OWN NOISY AND DESIGNIN CHAMPIONS. Take any two men that are by the ears, they opinionate all they hear of each other, impute all sorts of onworthy motives, and misconstrue every act; let them see more of each other, and they'll find out to their surprise, that they have not only been lookin thro' a magnifyin glass, that warnt very true, but a coloured one also, that changed the complexion and distorted the feature, and each one will think tother a very good kind of chap; and like as not a plaguy pleasant one too.

If I was asked which side was farthest from the mark in this Province, I vow I should be puzzled to say. As I don't belong to the country, and don't care a snap of my finger for either of 'em, I suppose I can judge better than any man in it, but I snore I dont think there's much difference. The popular side (I wont say patriotic, for we find in our steam boats a man who has a plaguy sight of property in his portmanter, is quite as anxious for its safety, as him that's only one pair of yarn stockings and a clean shirt, is for hisn) the popular side are not so well informed as tother, and they have the misfortin of havin their passions addressed more than their reason, therefore they are often out of the way, or rather led out of it and put astray by bad guides; well, tother side have the prejudices of birth and education to dim their vision, and are alarmed to undertake a thing from the dread of ambush or open foes, that their guides are etarnally descryin in the mist--AND BESIDE, POWER HAS A NATERAL TENDENCY TO CORPULENCY. As for them guides, I'd make short work of 'em if it was me. In the last war with Britain, the Constitution frigate was close in once on the shores of Ireland, a lookin arter some marchant ships, and she took on board a pilot; well, he was a deep, sly, twistical lookin chap, as you een amost ever seed. He had a sort of dark down look about him, and a lear out of the corner of one eye, like a horse that's goin to kick. The captain guessed he read in his face "well now, if I was to run this here Yankee right slap on a rock and bilge her, the King would make a man of me forever." So, says he to the first leftenant, reeve a rope thro' that are block at the tip eend of the fore yard, and clap a runnin nuse in it. The leftenant did it as quick as wink, and came back, and says he, I guess it's done. Now says the captain, look here, pilot, here's a rope you hant seed yet, I'll jist explain the use of it to you in case you want the loan of it. If this here frigate, manned with our free and enlightened citizens, gets aground, I'll give you a ride on the slack of that are rope, right up to that yard by the neck, by Gum. Well, it rub'd all the writin out of his face, as quick as spittin on a slate takes a sum out, you may depend. Now, they should rig up a crane over the street door of the State house at Halifax, and when any of the pilots at either eend of the buildin, run 'em on the breakers on purpose, string em up like an onsafe dog. A sign of that are kind, with "a house of public entertainment," painted under it, would do the business in less than no time. If it would'nt keep the hawks out of the poultry yard, it's a pity--it would scare them out of a year's growth, that's a fact--if they used it once, I guess they would'nt have occasion for it agin in a hurry--it would be like the Aloe tree, and that bears fruit only once in a hundred years. If you want to know how to act any time, squire, never go to books, leave them to galls and school boys; but go right off and cypher it out of natur, that's a sure guide, it will never deceive you, you may depend. For instance, "what's that to me," is a phrase so common that it shows it's a natural one, when people have no particular interest in a thing. Well, when a feller gets so warm on either side as never to use that phrase at all, watch him, that's all! keep your eye on him, or he'll walk right into you afore you know where you be. If a man runs to me and says, "your fence is down," thank you, says I, that's kind--if he comes agin and says, "I guess some stray cattle have broke into your short sarce garden," I thank him again; says I, come now, this is neighborly; but when he keeps etarnally tellin me this thing of one sarvant, and that thing of another sarvant, hints that my friends ant true, that my neighbors are inclined to take advantage of me, and that suspicious folks are seen about my place, I say to myself, what on airth makes this critter take such a wonderful interest in my affairs? I don't like to hear such tales--he's arter somethin as sure as the world, if he war'nt he'd say, "What's that to me." I never believe much what I hear said by a man's VIOLENT FRIEND, or VIOLENT ENEMY, I want to hear what a disinterested man has to say--now, as a disinterested man, I say if the members of the House of Assembly, instead of raisin up ghosts and hobgoblins to frighten folks with, and to shew what swordsmen they be, a cuttin and a thrustin at phantoms that only exist in their own brains, would turn to, heart and hand, and develope the resources of this fine country, facilitate the means of transport--promote its internal improvement, and entourage its foreign trade, they would make it the richest and greatest, as it now is one of the happiest sections of all America--I hope I may be skinned if they would'nt--they would I swan.

No. XIX

The Clockmaker Quilts a Blue Nose.

The descendants of Eve have profited little by her example. The curiosity of the fair sex is still insatiable, and, as it is often ill directed, it frequently terminates in error. In the country this feminine propensity is troublesome to a traveller, and he who would avoid importunities, would do well to announce at once, on his arrival at a Cumberland Inn, his name and his business, the place of his abode and the length of his visit. Our beautiful hostess, Mrs. Pugwash, as she took her seat at the breakfast table this morning, exhibited the example that suggested these reflections. She was struck with horror at our conversation, the latter part only of which she heard, and of course misapplied and misunderstood. She was run down by the President, said I, and has been laid up for some time. Gulard's people have stripped her, in consequence of her making water so fast. Stripped whom? said Mrs. Pugwash, as she suddenly dropped the teapot from her hand; stripped whom,--for heaven's sake tell me who it is? The Lady Ogle, said I. Lady Ogle, said she, how horrid! Two of her ribs were so broken as to require to be replaced with new ones. Two new ribs, said she, well I never heer'd the beat of that in all my born days; poor critter, how she must have suffered. On examining her below the waist they found--Examining her still lower, said she (all the pride of her sex revolting at the idea of such an indecent exhibition,) you don't pretend to say they stripped her below the waist; what did the Admiral say? Did he stand by and see her handled in that way? The Admiral, madam, said I, did not trouble his head about it. They found her extremely unsound there, and much worm eaten. Worm eaten, she continued, how awful! it must have been them nasty jiggers, that got in there; they tell me they are dreadful thick in the West Indies; Joe Crow had them in his feet, and lost two of his toes. Worm eaten, dear, dear!! but still that aint so bad as having them great he fellows strip one. I promise you if them Gulards had undertaken to strip me, I'd a taught them different guess manners; I'd a died first before I'd a submitted to it. I always heerd tell the English quality ladies were awful bold, but I never heerd the like o' that.

What on airth are you drivin at? said Mr. Slick. I never seed you so much out in your latitude afore, marm, I vow. We were talking of reparin a vessel, not strippin' a woman, what under the sun could have put that are crotchet into your head? She looked mortified and humbled at the result of her own absurd curiosity, and soon quitted the room. I thought I should have snorted right out two or three times, said the Clockmaker; I had to pucker up my mouth like the upper eend of a silk puss, to keep from yawhawin in her face, to hear the critter let her clapper run that fashion. She is not the first hand that has caught a lobster, by puttin in her oar afore her turn, I guess. She'll mind her stops next hitch, I reckon. This was our last breakfast at Amherst.

An early frost that smote the potatoe fields, and changed the beautiful green color of the Indian corn into shades of light yellow, and dark brown, reminded me of the presence of autumn--of the season of short days and bad roads, I determined to proceed at once to Parrsboro, and thence by the Windsor and Kentville route to Annapolis, Yarmouth, and Shelburne, and to return by the shore road, through Liverpool and Lunenburg to Halifax. I therefore took leave, (though not without much reluctance) of the Clockmaker, whose intention had been to go to Fort Lawrence. Well, said he, I vow I am sorry to part company along with you; a considerable long journey like ourn, is like sitting up late with the galls, a body knows its getting on pretty well towards mornin, and yet feels loth to go to bed, for its just the time folks grow sociable.

I got a scheme in my head, said he, that I think will answer both on us; I got debts due to me in all them are places for Clocks sold by the concarn, now suppose you leave your horse on these mashes this fall, he'll get as fat as a fool, he wont be able to see out of his eyes in a month, and I'll put "Old Clay," (I call him Clay arter our senator, who is a prime bit of stuff) into a Yankee waggon I have here, and drive you all round the coast. This was too good an offer to be declined. A run at grass for my horse, an easy and comfortable waggon, and a guide so original and amusing as Mr. Slick, were either of them enough to induce my acquiescence.

As soon as we had taken our seats in the waggon, he observed, we shall progress real handsum now; that are horse goes etarnal fast, he near about set my axle on fire twice. He's a spanker you may depend. I had him when he was a two year old, all legs and tail, like a devil's darnin needle, and had him broke on purpose by father's old nigger, January Snow. He knows English real well, and can do near about any thing but speak it. He helped me once to ginn a Blue Nose a proper handsum quiltin. He must have stood a poor chance indeed, said I, a horse kickin, and a man striking him at the same time. Oh! not arter that pattern at all, said he, Lord if "Old Clay" had a kicked him, he'd a smashed him like that are sarcer you broke at Pugnose's inn, into ten hundred thousand million flinders. Oh! no, if I did'nt fix his flint for him in fair play it's a pity. I'll tell you how it was. I was up to Truro, at Ezra Whitter's Inn. There was an arbitration there atween Deacon Text and Deacon Faithful. Well, there was a nation sight of folks there, for they said it was a biter bit, and they came to witness the sport, and to see which critter would get the earmark.

Well, I'd been doin a little business there among the folks, and had jist sot off for the river, mounted on "Old Clay," arter takin a glass of Ezra's most particular handsum Jamaiky, and was trottin off pretty slick, when who should I run agin but Tim Bradley. He is a dreadful ugly cross grained critter, as you een amost ever seed, when he is about half shaved. Well, I stopped short, and says, I, Mr. Bradley, I hope you beant hurt; I'm proper sorry I run agin you, you cant feel uglier than I do about it, I do assure you. He called me a Yankee pedlar, a cheatin vagabond, a wooden nutmeg, and threw a good deal of assorted hardware of that kind at me; and the crowd of folks cried out, down with the Yankee, let him have it Tim, teach him better manners; and they carried on pretty high, I tell you. Well, I got my dander up too, I felt all up on eend like; and, thinks I to myself, my lad if I get a clever chance, I'll give you such a quiltin as you never had since you were raised from a seedlin, I vow. So, says I, Mr Bradley, I guess you had better let me be, you know I cant fight no more than a cow--I never was brought up to wranglin, and I don't like it. Haul off the cowardly rascal, they all bawled out, haul him off, and lay it into him. So he lays right hold of me by the collar, and gives me a pull, and I lets on as if I'd lost my balance and falls right down. Then I jumps up on eend, and says I "go ahead Clay," and the old horse he sets off a head, so I knew I had him when I wanted him. Then, says I, I hope you are satisfied now, Mr Bradley, with that are ungenteel fall you ginn me. Well, he makes a blow at me, and I dodged it, now, says I, you'll be sorry for this, I tell you, I wont be treated this way for nothin, I'll go right off and swear my life agin you, I'm most afeerd you'll murder me. Well, he strikes at me agin, (thinkin he had a genuine soft horn to deal with,) and hits me in the shoulder. Now, says I, I wont stand here to be lathered like a dog all day long this fashion, it tante pretty at all, I guess I'll give you a chase for it. Off I sets arter my horse like mad, and he arter me, (I did that to get clear of the crowd, so that I might have fair play at him) Well, I soon found I had the heels of him, and could play him as I liked. Then I slackened up a little, and when he came close up to me, so as nearly to lay his hand upon me, I squatted right whap down, all short, and he pitched over me near about a rod or so, I guess, on his head, and plowed up the ground with his nose, the matter of a foot or two. If he didn't polish up the coulter, and both mould boards of his face, its a pity. Now, says I, you had better lay where you be and let me go, for I am proper tired; I blow like a horse that's got the heaves; and besides, says I, I guess you had better wash your face, for I am most a feared you hurt yourself. That ryled him properly; I meant that it should; so he ups and at me awful spiteful like a bull; then I lets him have it, right, left, right, jist three corkers, beginning with the right hand, shifting to the left, and then with the right hand agin. This way I did it, said the Clockmaker, (and he showed me the manner in which it was done) its a beautiful way of hitting, and always does the business--a blow for each eye and one for the mouth. It sounds like ten pounds ten on a blacksmith's anvil; I bunged up both eyes for him, and put in the dead lights in two tu's, and drew three of his teeth, quicker a plaguy sight than the Truro doctor could, to save his soul alive. Now, says I, my friend, when you recover your eye-sight I guess you'll see your mistake--I warnt born in the woods to be scared by an owl. The next time you feel in a most particular elegant good humour, come to me and I'll play you the second part of that identical same tune, that's a fact. With that, I whistled for old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked staggered, and wondered a little grain how it was done so cleverly in short metre. If I did'nt quilt him in no time, you may depend; I went right slap into him, like a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was half measured. Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know yourself now, for I vow no livin soul would; your swallowed your soup without singin out scaldins, and your near about a pint and a half nearer cryin than larfin.

Yes, as I was sayin, this "old Clay" is a real knowin one, he's as spry as a colt jet, clear grit, ginger to the back bone; I cant help a thinkin sometimes the breed must have come from old Kentuck, half horse, half alligator, with a cross of the airth-quake.

I hope I may be tetotally ruinated, if I'd take eight hundred dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built villain, said he, and show the gentleman how wonderful handSUM you can travel. Give him the real Connecticut quick step. That's it--that's the way to carry the President's message to Congress, from Washington to New York, in no time--that's the go to carry a gall from Boston to Rhode Island, and trice her up to a Justice to be married, afore her father's out of bed of a summer's mornin. Aint he a beauty? a real doll? none of your Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them, the more they wont go; but a proper one, that will go free gratis for nothin, all out of his own head voluntERRILY. Yes, a horse like "Old Clay," is worth the whole seed, breed and generation, of them Amherst beasts put together. He's a horse, every inch of him, stock, lock, and barrel, is OLD CLAY.

No. XX

Sister Sall's Courtship.

There goes one of them are everlastin rottin poles in that bridge, they are no better than a trap for a critter's leg, said the Clockmaker. They remind me of a trap Jim Munroe put his foot in one night, that near about made one leg half a yard longer than tother. I believe I told you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was--he came from Onion County in Connecticut. Well, he was courtin Sister Sall--she was a real handsum lookin gall; you scarce ever seed a more out and out complete critter than she was--a fine figur head, and a beautiful model of a craft as any in the state: a real clipper, and as full of fun and frolick as a kitten. Well he fairly turned Sall's head; the more we wanted her to give him up the more she would'nt, and we got plaguy oneasy about it, for his character was none of the best. He was a univarsal favorite with the galls, and tho' he did'nt behave very pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised, and where he had'nt ought to have forgot too; yet, so it was, he had such an uncommon winnin way with him, he could talk them over in no time--Sall was fairly bewitched. At last, Father said to him one evening when he came a courtin, Jim, says he, you'll never come to no good, if you act like old Scratch as you do; you aint fit to come into no decent man's house at all, and your absence would be ten times more agreeable than your company, I tell you. I won't consent to Sall's goin to them are huskin parties and quiltin frolics along with you no more, on no account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White ---. Now don't, says he, now don't, Uncle Sam; say no more about that; if you knowed all you would'nt say it was my fault; and besides, I have turned right about, I am on tother tack now, and the long leg, too; I am as steady as a pump bolt now. I intend to settle myself and take a farm--yes yes, and you could stock it too, by all accounts, pretty well, unless you are much misreported, says father, but it won't do. I knew your father; he was our Sargeant, a proper clever and brave man he was too; he was one of the heroes of our glorious revolution. I had a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his sake you will act as you do; but I tell you once for all you must give up all thoughts of Sall, now and for everlastin. When Sall heerd this, she began to nit away like mad in a desperate hurry--she looked foolish enough, that's a fact. First she tried to bite in her breath, and look as if there was nothin particular in the wind, then she blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered that pretty soon, and then her colour went and came, and came and went, till at last she grew as white as chalk, and down she fell slap off her seat on the floor, in a faintin fit. I see, says father, I see it now, you etarnal villain, and he made a pull at the old fashioned sword, that always hung over the fire place, (we used to call it old Bunker, for his stories always begun, "when I was at Bunker's hill,") and drawing it out, he made a clip at him as wicked as if he was stabbing at a rat with a hay fork; but Jim he outs of the door like a shot, and draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker right through the panel. I'll chop you up as fine as mince meat, you villain, said he, if ever I catch you inside my door agin; mind what I tell you, "YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET." Well, he made himself considerable scarce arter that, he never sot foot inside the door agin, and I thought he had ginn up all hopes of Sall, and she of him; when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night, as I was a comin home from neighbor Dearborne's, I heerd some one a talkin under Sall's window. Well, I stops and listens, and who should be near the ash saplin, but Jim Munroe, a tryin to persuade Sall to run off with him to Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled, he should come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help her out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the time she commonly went to bed. Then he axes her to reach down her hand for him to kiss, (for he was proper clever at soft sawder) and she stretches it down and he kisses it; and, says he, I believe I must have the whole of you out arter all, and gives her a jirk that kinder startled her; it came so sudden like it made her scream; so off he sot hot foot, and over the gate in no time.

Well, I cyphered over this all night, a calculatin how I should reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I hit on a scheme. I recollected father's words at partin, "MIND WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET;" and thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy come true yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and as soon as he looks up, I winks and walks out and he arter me--says I, January can you keep your tongue within your teeth, you old nigger you? Why massa, why you ax that are question? my Gor Ormity, you tink old Snow he don't know dat are yet; my tongue he got plenty room now, debil a tooth left, be can stretch out ever so far; like a little leg in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, Massa, neber fear. Well, then, says I, bend down that are ash saplin softly, you old Snowball, and make no noise. The saplin was no sooner bent than secured to the ground by a notched peg and a noose, and a slip knot was suspended from the tree, jist over the track that led from the pathway to the house. Why, my Gor, massa, that's a ---. Hold your mug, you old nigger, says I, or I'll send your tongue a sarchin arter your teeth; keep quiet, and follow me in presently. Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, says I, Sally, hold this here hank of twine for a minute, till I wind a trifle on it off; that's a dear critter. She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on her hands, and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow, and drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her down stairs. Sam, says she, I do believe you won't wind that are twine off all night, do give it to January, I won't stay no longer, I'm een a most dead asleep. The old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady, says I, it won't do; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd something in the ash saplin, did'nt you Sall? I heerd the geese there, that's all, says she, they always come under the windows at night; but she looked scared enough, and says she, I vow I'm tired a holdin out of arms, this way, and I won't do it no longer; and down she throw'd the hank on the floor. Well, says I, stop one minute, dear, till I send old January out to see if any body is there; perhaps some o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the sarce garden. January went out, tho' Sall say'd it was no use, for she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept close to the house at night, for fear of the varmin. Presently in runs old Snow, with his hair standin up an eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin as big as the rims of a soup plate; oh! Gor Ormity, said he, oh massa, oh Miss Sally, oh!! What on airth is the matter with you, said Sally, how you do frighten me, I vow I believe you'r mad--oh my Gor said he, oh!! massa Jim Munroe he hang himself, on the ash saplin under Miss Sally's window--oh my Gor!!! That shot was a settler, it struck poor Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a lurch ahead, then healed over and sunk right down in another faintin fit; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her off and laid her down on the bed--poor thing, she felt ugly enough, I do suppose.

Well, father, I thought he'd a fainted too, he was so struck up all of a heap, he was completely bung fungered; dear, dear, said he, I did'nt think it would come to pass so soon, but I knew it would come; I foretold it; says I, the last time I seed him, Jim, says I, mind what I say, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET. Give me the sword I wore when I was at Bunker's hill, may be there is life yet, I'll cut him down. The lantern was soon made ready, and out we went to the ash saplin. Cut me down, Sam, that's a good fellow, said Jim, all the blood in my body has swashed into my head, and's a runnin out o' my nose, I'm een a most smothered, be quick for heaven's sake. The Lord be praised, said father, the poor sinner is not quite dead yet. Why, as I'm alive--well if that don't beat all natur, why he has hanged himself by one leg, and's a swingin like a rabbit upside down, that's a fact. Why, if he aint snared, Sam; he is properly wired I declare--I vow this is some o' your doins, Sam--well it was a clever scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous, I guess. Don't stand staring and jawin there all night, said Jim, cut me down, I tell you--or cut my throat and be damned to you, for I am choakin with blood. Roll over that are hogshead, old Snow, said I, till I get a top on it and cut him down; so I soon released him but he could'nt walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like vengeance, and he swore one leg was near about six inches longer than tother. Jim Munroe, says father, little did I think I should ever see you inside my door agin, but I bid you enter now, we owe you that kindness, any how. Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so chap fallen, and so down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it might be kept a secret; he said he would RUN the state, if ever it got wind, he was sure he could'nt STAND it. It will be one while, I guess, said father, afore you are able to run or stand either; but if you will give me your hand, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, I will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome guest at old Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your father--he was a brave man, one of the heroes of Bunker's hill, he was our Sergeant and ---. He promises, says I, father, (for the old man had stuck his right foot out, the way he always stood when he told about the old war; and as Jim could'nt stir a peg, it was a grand chance, and he was a goin to give him the whole revolution from General Gage up to Independence,) he promises, says I, father. Well it was all settled, and things soon grew as calm as a pan of milk two days old; and afore a year was over, Jim was as steady a goin man as Minister Joshua Hopewell, and was married to our Sall. Nothin was ever said about the snare till arter the weddin. When the Minister had finished axin a blessin, father goes up to Jim, and says he, Jim Munroe, my boy, givin him a rousin slap on the shoulder that sot him a coughin for the matter of five minutes, (for he was a mortal powerful man, was father) Jim Munroe, my boy, says he, you've got the snare round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg; the Saplin has been a father to you, may you be the father of many saplins.

We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all except the minister; father got him into a corner, and gave him chapter and verse for the whole war. Every now and then as I come near them, I heard "Bunker's Hill, Brandywine, Clinton, Gates," and so on. It was broad day when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister. Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he, "minister, we had'nt time this hitch, or I'd a told you all about the 'EVAKYATION' of New York, but I'll tell you that the next time we meet."

No. XXI

Setting up for Governor.

I never see one of them queer little old fashioned tea pots, like that are in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash, said the Clockmaker, that I dont think of Lawyer Crowningshield and his wife. When I was down to Rhode Island last, I spent an evening with them. Arter I had been there a while, the black House help brought in a little home made dipt candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it stand straight, and set it down on the table. Why, says the Lawyer to his wife, Increase my dear, what on earth is the meanin o' that? what does little Viney mean by bringin in such a light as this, that aint fit for even a log hut of one of our free and enlightened citizens away down east; where's the lamp? My dear, says she, I ordered it--you know they are agoin to set you up for Governor next year, and I allot we must economise or we will be ruined--the salary is only four hundred dollars a year, you know, and you'll have to give up your practice--we can't afford nothin now. Well, when tea was brought in, there was a little wee china tea pot, that held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and sarcers about the bigness of children's toys. When he seed that, he grew most peskily ryled, his under lip curled down like a peach leaf that's got a worm in it, and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders, like a bull dog; what foolery is this, said he? My dear, said she, its the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to sacrifice all your comfort to being the first rung in the ladder, don't blame me for it. I did'nt nominate you--I had not art nor part in it. It was cooked up at that are Convention, at Town Hall. Well, he sot for some time without sayin a word, lookin as black as a thunder cloud, just ready to make all natur crack agin. At last he gets up, and walks round behind his wife's chair, and takin her face between his two hands, he turns it up and gives her a buss that went off like a pistoll--it fairly made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, them lips aint a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither. Increase, my dear, said he, I believe you are half right, I'll decline to-morrow, I'll have nothin to do with it--I WONT BE A GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT.

Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore she could get her head out of his hands; and then she said, Zachariah, says she, how you do act, aint you ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave yourself: and she colored up all over like a crimson piany; if you hav'nt foozled all my hair too, that's a fact, says she; and she put her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as fun, though poutin all the time, and walked right out of the room. Presently in come two well dressed House Helps, one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real London touch, and another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver coffee pot, and tea pot, and a cream jug, and sugar boul, of the same genuine metal, and a most an elegant sett of real gilt china. Then in came Marm Crowningshield herself, lookin as proud as if she would not call the President her cousin; and she gave the Lawyer a look, as much as to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you off that are kiss with interest, you dear you--I'll answer a bill at sight for it, I will, you may depend. I believe, said he agin, you are right Increase, my dear, its an expensive kind of honor that bein Governor, and no great thanks neither; great cry and little wool, all talk and no cider--its enough I guess for a man to govern his own family, aint it, dear? Sartin, my love, said she, sartin, a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there; and beside, said she, his will is supreme to home, there is no danger of any one non-concurring him there: and she gave me a sly look, as much as to say, I let him think he is master in his own house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO BE LONG ENOUGH TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with half an eye that the "grey mare is the better horse here."

What a pity it is, continued the Clockmaker, that the Blue Noses would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's book--talk more of their own affairs and less of politics. I'm sick of the everlastin sound of "House of Assembly," and "Council," and "great folks." They never alleviate talking about them from July to etarnity. I had a curious conversation about politics once, away up to the right here. Do you see that are house, said he, in the field, that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop, struck with a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It looks like Seth Pine, a tailor down to Hartford, that had one leg shorter than tother, when he stood at ease at militia trainin, a restin on the littlest one. Well, I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this way. I lost the linch pin out of my forred axle, and I turned up there to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove through the gate, I saw the eldest gall a makin for the house for dear life--she had a short petticoat on that looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in mind of the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a drivin away like mad full chizel arter a frog. I could not think what on airth was the matter. Thinks I, she wants to make herself look decent like afore I get in, she don't like to pull her stockings on afore me; so I pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start. Well, when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin; there was a regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise as little children make when the mistress comes suddenly into school, all a huddlin and scroudgin into their seats, as quick as wink. Dear me, says the old woman, as she put her head out of a broken window to avail who it was, is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you did not frighten us properly, we actilly thought it was the Sheriff; do come in. Poor thing, she looked half starved and half savage, hunger and temper had made proper strong lines in her face, like water furrows in a ploughed field; she looked bony and thin, like a horse, that has had more work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though it warnt over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin kicker. You may come out, John, said she to her husband, its only Mr. Slick; and out came John from under the bed backwards, on all fours, like an ox out of the shoein frame, or a lobster skullin wrong eend foremost--he looked as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan I thought I should have split, I could hardly keep from bustin right out with larfter--he was all covered with feathers, lint and dust, the savins of all the sweepins since the house was built, shoved under there for tidiness. He actilly sneezed for the matter of ten minutes--he seemed half choked with the flaff and stuff, that came out with him like a cloud. Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the quills were gone, but the pen feathers and down were left, jist ready for singin and stuffin. He put me in mind of a sick Adjutant, a great tall hulkin bird, that comes from the East Indgies, a most as high as a man, and most as knowin as a Blue Nose. I'd a ginn a hundred dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair--tar and feathers war'nt half as nateral. You've seen a gall both larf and cry at the same time, hante you? well, I hope I may be shot if I could'nt have done the same. To see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag at Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as good as a play; but to look round and see the poverty --the half naked children--the old pine stumps for chairs--a small bin of poor watery yaller potatoes in the corner--day light through the sides and roof of the house, lookin like the tarred seams of a ship, all black where the smoak got out--no utensils for cookin or eatin--and starvation wrote as plain as a handbill on their holler cheeks, skinney fingers, and sunk eyes, went right straight to the heart. I do declare I believe I should have cried, only they did'nt seem to mind it themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's married to a thunderin ugly wife, he gets so accustomed to the look of her everlastin dismal mug, that he don't think her ugly at all. Well, there was another chap a settin by the fire, and he DID look as if he saw it and felt it too, he did'nt seem over half pleased, you may depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me he was takin a spell at boardin there, for it was their turn to keep him. Thinks I to myself poor devil, you've brought your pigs to a pretty market, that's a fact. I see how it is, the Blue Noses can't "cypher." The cat's out of the bag now--its no wonder they don't go ahead, for they don't know nothin--the "Schoolmaster is ABROAD," with the devil to it, for he has NO HOME at all. Why, Squire, you might jist as well expect a horse to go right off in gear, before he is halter broke, as a Blue Nose to get on in the world, when he has got no schoolin. But to get back to my story. Well, say's I, how's times with you, Mrs. Spry? Dull, says she, very dull, there's no markets now, things don't fetch nothin. Thinks I, some folks had'nt ought to complain of markets, for they don't raise nothin to sell, but I did'nt say so; FOR POVERTY IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS EDGE BY POKIN FUN AT IT. Potatoes, says I, will fetch a good price this fall, for it's a short crop in a general way--; how's yourn? Grand, says she, as complete as ever you seed; our tops were small and did'nt look well; but we have the handsomest bottoms, its generally allowed, in all our place; you never seed the best of them, they are actilly worth lookin at. I vow I had to take a chaw of tobacky to keep from snorting right out, it sounded so queer like. Thinks I to myself, old lady, its a pity you could'nt be changed eend for eend then, as some folks do their stockings; it would improve the look of your dial plate amazinly then, that's a fact.

Now there was human natur, Squire, said the Clockmaker, there was pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags as well as King's robes, where butter is spread with the thumb as well as the silver knife, NATUR IS NATUR WHEREVER YOU FIND IT. Jist then, in came one or two neighbors to see the sport, for they took me for a Sheriff or Constable, or something of that breed, and when they saw it was me they sot down to hear the news; they fell right too at politicks as keen as any thing, as if it had been a dish of real Connecticut Slap Jacks, or Hominy; or what is better still, a glass of real genuine splendid mint julep, WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes my mouth water to think of it. I wonder, says one, what they will do for us this winter in the House of Assembly? Nothin, says the other, they never do nothin but what the great people at Halifax tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the great folks this hitch, he'll let 'em have their own, he's jist the boy that can do it. Says I, I wish I could say all men were as honest then, for I am afeard there are a great many wont pay me up this winter; I should like to trade with your friend, who is he? Why, says he, he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't let the great folks have it, its a pity. Who do you call great folks, said I, for I vow I hav'nt see'd one since I came here. The only one that I know that comes near hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker, that lives all along shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great man, it takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first see'd him, says I, what on airth is the matter o' that man, has he the dropsy, for he is actilly the greatest man I ever see'd; he must weigh the matter of five hundred weight; he'd cut three inches on the rib--he must have a proper sight of lard, that chap? No, says I, don't call 'em great men, for there aint a great man in the country, that's a fact; there aint one that desarves the name; folks will only larf at you if you talk that way. There may be some rich men, and I believe there be, and its a pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater pity they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but a country is none the worse of having rich men in it, you may depend. Great folks, well come, that's a good joke--that bangs the bush. No, my friend, says I, the meat that's at the top of the barrel, is sometimes not so good as that that's a little grain lower down; the upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little taint in 'em, but the middle is always good.