Chapter XVI: Part 16

Faunus, _long a Captive, but now free. To_ Faunus, _his gracious Deliverer sends eternal Health. There is no Need, my dear_ Faunus, _that thou shouldest macerate thyself any longer in this Affair. God has respected the pious Intention of thy Mind; and by the Merit of it, has delivered me from Torments, and I now live happily among the Angels. Thou hast a Place provided for thee with St. Austin, which is next to the Choir of the Apostles: When thou earnest to us, I will give thee publick Thanks. In the mean Time, see that thou live merrily._

_From the_ Imperial Heaven, _the
Ides of_ September, _Anno_ 1498.
_Under the Seal of my own Ring._

This Epistle was laid privately under the Altar where _Faunus_ was to perform divine Service: This being done, there was one appointed to advertise him of it, as if he had found it by Chance. And now he carries the Letter about him, and shews it as a very sacred Thing; and believes nothing more firmly, than that it was brought from Heaven by an Angel.

_Tho._ This is not delivering the Man from his Madness, but changing the Sort of it.

_Ans._ Why truly, so it is, only he is now more pleasantly mad than before.

_Tho._ I never was wont to give much Credit to Stories of Apparitions in common; but for the Time to come, I shall give much less: For I believe that many Things that have been printed and published, as true Relations, were only by Artifice and Imposture, Impositions upon credulous Persons, and such as _Faunus._

_Ans._ And I also believe that a great many of them are of the same Kind.

_The ALCHYMIST._

The ARGUMENT.

_This Colloquy shews the Dotage of an old Man, otherwise
a very prudent Person, upon this Art; being trick'd by a
Priest, under Pretence of a two-Fold Method in this Art,
the_ long Way _and the_ short Way. _By the long Way he
puts an egregious Cheat upon old_ Balbinus: _The
Alchymist lays the Fault upon his Coals and Glasses.
Presents of Gold are sent to the Virgin_ Mary, _that she
would assist them in their Undertakings. Some Courtiers
having come to the Knowledge that_ Balbinus _practis'd
this unlawful Art, are brib'd. At last the Alchymist is
discharg'd, having Money given him to bear his Charges._

PHILECOUS, LALUS.

_Phi._ What News is here, that _Lalus_ laughs to himself so that he e'en giggles again, every now and then signing himself with the Sign of the Cross? I'll interrupt his Felicity. God bless you heartily, my very good Friend _Lalus_; you seem to me to be very happy.

_La._ But I shall be much happier, if I make you a Partaker of my merry Conceitedness.

_Phi._ Prithee, then, make me happy as soon as you can.

_La._ Do you know _Balbinus_?

_Phi._ What, that learned old Gentleman that has such a very good Character in the World?

_La._ It is as you say; but no Man is wise at all Times, or is without his blind Side. This Man, among his many good Qualifications, has some Foibles: He has been a long Time bewitch'd with the Art call'd _Alchymy_.

_Phi._ Believe me, that you call only Foible, is a dangerous Disease.

_La._ However that is, notwithstanding he had been so often bitten by this Sort of People, yet he has lately suffer'd himself to be impos'd upon again.

_Phi._ In what Manner?

_La._ A certain Priest went to him, saluted him with great Respect, and accosted him in this Manner: Most learned _Balbinus_, perhaps you will wonder that I, being a Stranger to you, should thus interrupt you, who, I know, are always earnestly engag'd in the most sacred Studies. _Balbinus_ gave him a Nod, as was his Custom; for he is wonderfully sparing of his Words.

_Phi._ That's an Argument of Prudence.

_La._ But the other, as the wiser of the two, proceeds. You will forgive this my Importunity, when you shall know the Cause of my coming to you. Tell me then, says _Balbinus_, but in as few Words as you can. I will, says he, as briefly as I am able. You know, most learned of Men, that the Fates of Mortals are various; and I can't tell among which I should class myself, whether among the happy or the miserable; for when I contemplate my Fate on one Part, I account myself most happy, but if on the other Part, I am one of the most miserable. _Balbinus_ pressing him to contract his Speech into a narrow Compass; I will have done immediately, most learned _Balbinus_, says he, and it will be the more easy for me to do it, to a Man who understands the whole Affair so well, that no Man understands it better.

_Phi._ You are rather drawing an Orator than an Alchymist.

_La._ You shall hear the Alchymist by and by. This Happiness, says he, I have had from a Child, to have learn'd that most desirable Art, I mean Alchymy, the very Marrow of universal Philosophy. At the very Mention of the Name Alchymy, _Balbinus_ rais'd himself a little, that is to say, in Gesture only, and fetching a deep Sigh, bid him go forward. Then he proceeds: But miserable Man that I am, said he, by not falling into the right Way! _Balbinus_ asking him what Ways those were he spoke of; Good Sir, says he, you know (for what is there, most learned Sir, that you are ignorant of?) that there are two Ways in this Art, one which is _call'd the Longation, and the other which is call'd the Curtation_. But by my bad Fate, I have fallen upon _Longation. Balbinus_ asking him, what was the Difference of the Ways; it would be impudent in me, says he, to mention this to a Man, to whom all Things are so well known, that Nobody knows them better; therefore I humbly address myself to you, that you would take Pity on me, and vouchsafe to communicate to me that most happy Way of _Curtation_. And by how much the better you understand this Art, by so much the less Labour you will be able to impart it to me: Do not conceal so great a Gift from your poor Brother that is ready to die with Grief. And as you assist me in this, so may _Jesus Christ_ ever enrich you with more sublime Endowments. He thus making no End of his Solemnity of Obtestations, _Balbinus_ was oblig'd to confess, that he was entirely ignorant of what he meant by _Longation_ and _Curtation_, and bids him explain the Meaning of those Words. Then he began; Altho' Sir, says he, I know I speak to a Person that is better skill'd than myself, yet since you command me I will do it: Those that have spent their whole Life in this divine Art, change the Species of Things two Ways, the one is shorter, but more hazardous, the other is longer, but safer. I account myself very unhappy, that I have laboured in that Way that does not suit my Genius, nor could I yet find out any Body who would shew me the other Way that I am so passionately desirous of; but at last God has put it into my Mind to apply myself to you, a Man of as much Piety as Learning; your Learning qualifies you to answer my Request with Ease, and your Piety will dispose you to help a Christian Brother, whose Life is in your Hands. To make the Matter short, when this crafty Fellow, with such Expressions as these, had clear'd himself from all Suspicion of a Design, and had gain'd Credit, that he understood one Way perfectly well, _Balbinus_'s Mind began to have an Itch to be meddling. And at last, when he could hold no longer, Away with your Methods, says he, of _Curtation_, the Name of which I never heard before, I am so far from understanding it. Tell me sincerely, Do you throughly understand Longation? Phoo! says he, perfectly well; but I don't love the Tediousness of it. Then _Balbinus_ asked him, how much Time it wou'd take up. Too much, says he; almost a whole Year; but in the mean Time it is the safest Way. Never trouble yourself about that, says _Balbinus_, although it should take up two Years, if you can but depend upon your Art. To shorten the Story: They came to an Agreement, that the Business should be set on foot privately in _Balbinus_'s, House, upon this Condition, that he should find Art, and _Balbinus_ Money; and the Profit should be divided between them, although the Imposter modestly offered that _Balbinus_ should have the whole Gain. They both took an Oath of Secrecy, after the Manner of those that are initiated into mysterious Secrets; and presently Money is paid down for the Artist to buy Pots, Glasses, Coals, and other Necessaries for furnishing the Laboratory: This Money our Alchymist lavishes away on Whores, Gaming, and Drinking.

_Phi._ This is one Way, however, of changing the Species of Things.

_La. Balbinus_ pressing him to fall upon the Business; he replies, Don't you very well know, that _what's well begun is half done?_ It is a great Matter to have the Materials well prepar'd. At last he begins to set up the Furnace; and here there was Occasion for more Gold, as a Bait to catch more: For as a Fish is not caught without a Bait, so Alchymists must cast Gold in, before they can fetch Gold out. In the mean Time, _Balbinus_ was busy in his Accounts; for he reckoned thus, if one Ounce made fifteen, what would be the Product of two thousand; for that was the Sum that he determined to spend. When the Alchymist had spent this Money and two Months Time, pretending to be wonderfully busy about the Bellows and the Coals, Balbinus enquired of him, whether the Business went forward? At first he made no Answer; but at last he urging the Question, he made him Answer, As all great Works do; the greatest Difficulty of which is, in entring upon them: He pretended he had made a Mistake in buying the Coals, for he had bought Oaken ones, when they should have been Beechen or Fir ones. There was a hundred Crowns gone; and he did not spare to go to Gaming again briskly. Upon giving him new Cash, he gets new Coals, and then the Business is begun again with more Resolution than before; just as Soldiers do, when they have happened to meet with a Disaster, they repair it by Bravery. When the Laboratory had been kept hot for some Months, and the golden Fruit was expected, and there was not a Grain of Gold in the Vessel (for the Chymist had spent all that too) another Pretence was found out, That the Glasses they used, were not rightly tempered: For, as every Block will not make a Mercury, so Gold will not be made in any Kind of Glass. And by how much more Money had been spent, by so much the lother he was to give it over.

_Phi._ Just as it is with Gamesters, as if it were not better to lose some than all.

_La._ Very true. The Chymist swore he was never so cheated since he was born before; but now having found out his Mistake, he could proceed with all the Security in the World, and fetch up that Loss with great Interest. The Glasses being changed, the Laboratory is furnished the third Time: Then the Operator told him, the Operation would go on more successfully, if he sent a Present of Crowns to the Virgin Mary, that you know is worshipped at _Paris_; for it was an holy Act: And in Order to have it carried on successfully, it needed the Favour of the Saints. _Balbinus_ liked this Advice wonderfully well, being a very pious Man that never let a Day pass, but he performed some Act of Devotion or other. The Operator undertakes the religious Pilgrimage; but spends this devoted Money in a Bawdy-House in the next Town: Then he goes back, and tells _Balbinus_ that he had great Hope that all would succeed according to their Mind, the Virgin _Mary_ seem'd so to favour their Endeavours. When he had laboured a long Time, and not one Crumb of Gold appearing, _Balbinus_ reasoning the Matter with him, he answered, that nothing like this had ever happened all his Days to him, tho' he had so many Times had Experience of his Method; nor could he so much as imagine what should be the Reason of this Failing. After they had beat their Brains a long Time about the Matter, _Balbinus_ bethought himself, whether he had any Day miss'd going to Chapel, or saying the _Horary Prayers_, for nothing would succeed, if these were omitted. Says the Imposter you have hit it. Wretch that I am, I have been guilty of that once or twice by Forgetfulness, and lately rising from Table, after a long Dinner, I had forgot to say the Salutation of the Virgin. Why then, says _Balbinus_, it is no Wonder, that a Thing of this Moment succeeds no better. The Trickster undertakes to perform twelve Services for two that he had omitted, and to repay ten Salutations for that one. When Money every now and then fail'd this extravagant Operator, and he could not find out any Pretence to ask for more, he at last bethought himself of this Project. He comes Home like one frighted out of his Wits, and in a very mournful Tone cries out, O _Balbinus_ I am utterly undone, undone; I am in Danger of my Life. _Balbinus_ was astonished, and was impatient to know what was the Matter. The Court, says he, have gotten an Inkling of what we have been about, and I expect nothing else but to be carried to Gaol immediately. _Balbinus_, at the hearing of this, turn'd pale as Ashes; for you know it is capital with us, for any Man to practice _Alchymy_ without a License from the Prince: He goes on: Not, says he, that I am afraid of Death myself, I wish that were the worst that would happen, I fear something more cruel. _Balbinus_ asking him what that was, he reply'd, I shall be carried away into some Castle, and there be forc'd to work all my Days, for those I have no Mind to serve. Is there any Death so bad as such a Life? The Matter was then debated, _Balbinus_ being a Man that very well understood the Art of Rhetorick, casts his Thoughts every Way, if this Mischief could be prevented any Way. Can't you deny the Crime, says he? By no Means, says the other; the Matter is known among the Courtiers, and they have such Proof of it that it can't be evaded, and there is no defending of the Fact; for the Law is point-blank against it. Many Things having been propos'd, but coming to no conclusion, that seem'd feasible; says the Alchymist, who wanted present Money, O _Balbinus_ we apply ourselves to slow Counsels, when the Matter requires a present Remedy. It will not be long before they will be here that will apprehend me, and carry me away into Tribulation. And last of all, seeing _Balbinus_ at a Stand, says the Alchymist, I am as much at a Loss as you, nor do I see any Way left, but to die like a Man, unless you shall approve what I am going to propose, which is more profitable than honourable; but Necessity is a hard Chapter. You know these Sort of Men are hungry after Money, and so may be the more easily brib'd to Secrecy. Although it is a hard Case to give these Rascals Money to throw away; but yet, as the Case now stands, I see no better Way. _Balbinus_ was of the same Opinion, and he lays down thirty Guineas to bribe them to hush up the Matter.

_Phi. Balbinus_ was wonderful liberal, as you tell the Story.

_La._ Nay, in an honest Cause, you would sooner have gotten his Teeth out of his Head than Money. Well, then the Alchymist was provided for, who was in no Danger, but that of wanting Money for his Wench.

_Phi._ I admire _Balbinus_ could not smoak the Roguery all this While.

_La._ This is the only Thing that he's soft in, he's as sharp as a Needle in any Thing else. Now the Furnace is set to work again with new Money; but first, a short Prayer is made to the Virgin Mary to prosper their Undertakings. By this Time there had been a whole Year spent, first one Obstacle being pretended, and then another, so that all the Expence and Labour was lost. In the mean Time there fell out one most ridiculous Chance.

_Phi._ What was that?

_La._ The Alchymist had a criminal Correspondence with a certain Courtier's Lady: The Husband beginning to be jealous, watch'd him narrowly, and in the Conclusion, having Intelligence that the Priest was in the Bed-Chamber, he comes Home before he was look'd for, knocks at the Door.

_Phi._ What did he design to do to him?

_La._ What! Why nothing very good, either kill him or geld him. When the Husband being very pressing to come, threatned he would break open the Door, if his Wife did not open it, they were in bodily Fear within, and cast about for some present Resolution; and Circumstances admitting no better, he pull'd off his Coat, and threw himself out of a narrow Window, but not without both Danger and Mischief, and so got away. Such Stories as these you know are soon spread, and it came to _Balbinus_'s Ear, and the Chymist guess'd it would be so.

_Phi._ There was no getting off of this Business.

_La._ Yes, he got off better here, than he did out at the Window. Hear the Man's Invention: _Balbinus_ said not a Word to him about the Matter, but it might be read in his Countenance, that he was no Stranger to the Talk of the Town. The Chymist knew _Balbinus_ to be a Man of Piety, and in some Points, I was going to say, superstitious, and such Persons are very ready to forgive one that falls under his Crime, let it be never so great; therefore, he on Purpose begins a Talk about the Success of their Business, complaining, that it had not succeeded as it us'd to do, and as he would have it; and he-wondered greatly, what should be the Reason of it: Upon this Discourse, _Balbinus_, who seemed otherwise to have been bent upon Silence, taking an Occasion, was a little moved: It is no hard Matter, says he, to guess what the Obstacle is. Sins are the Obstacles that hinder our Success, for pure Works should be done by pure Persons. At this Word, the Projector fell down on his Knees, and beating his Breast with a very mournful Tone, and dejected Countenance, says, O _Balbinus_, what you have said is very true, it is Sin, it is Sin that has been the Hinderance; but my Sins, not yours; for I am not asham'd to confess my Uncleanness before you, as I would before my most holy Father Confessor: The Frailty of my Flesh overcame me, and Satan drew me into his Snares; and O miserable Wretch that I am! Of a Priest, I am become an Adulterer; and yet, the Offering that you sent to the Virgin Mother, is not wholly lost neither, for I had perish'd inevitably, if she had not helped me; for the Husband broke open the Door upon me, and the Window was too little for me to get out at; and in this Pinch of Danger, I bethought myself of the blessed Virgin, and I fell upon my Knees, and besought her, that if the Gift was acceptable to her, she would assist me, and in a Minute I went to the Window, (for Necessity forced me so to do) and found it large enough for me to get out at.

_Phi._ Well, and did _Balbinus_ believe all this?

_La._ Believe it, yes, and pardon'd him too, and admonish'd him very religiously, not to be ungrateful to the blessed Virgin: Nay, there was more Money laid down, upon his giving his Promise, that he would for the future carry on the Process with Purity.

_Phi._ Well, what was the End of all this?

_La._ The Story is very long; but I'll cut it short. When he had play'd upon _Balbinus_ long enough with these Inventions, and wheedled him out of a considerable Sum of Money, a certain Gentleman happen'd to come there, that had known the Knave from a Child: He easily imagining that he was acting the same Part with _Balbinus_, that he had been acting every where, admonishes _Balbinus_ privately, and acquainted him what Sort of a Fellow he harbour'd, advising him to get rid of him as soon as possible, unless he had a Mind to have him sometime or other, to rifle his Coffers, and then run away.

_Phi._ Well, what did _Balbinus_ do then? Sure, he took Care to have him sent to Gaol?

_La._ To Gaol? Nay, he gave him Money to bear his Charges, and conjur'd him by all that was sacred, not to speak a Word of what had happened between them. And in my Opinion, it was his Wisdom so to do, rather than to be the common Laughing-stock, and Table-Talk, and run the Risk of the Confiscation of his Goods besides; for the Imposter was in no Danger; he knew no more of the Matter than an Ass, and cheating is a small Fault in these Sort of Cattle. If he had charg'd him with Theft, his Ordination would have say'd him from the Gallows, and no Body would have been at the Charge of maintaining such a Fellow in Prison.

_Phi._ I should pity _Balbinus_; but that he took Pleasure in being gull'd.

_La._ I must now make haste to the Hall; at another Time I'll tell you Stories more ridiculous than this.

_Phi._ When you shall be at Leisure, I shall be glad to hear them, and I'll give you Story for Story.

_The HORSE-CHEAT._

The ARGUMENT.

_The_ Horse-Cheat _lays open the cheating Tricks of those
that sell or let out Horses to hire; and shews how those
Cheats themselves are sometimes cheated._

AULUS, PHÆDRUS.

Good God! What a grave Countenance our _Phaedrus_ has put on, gaping ever and anon into the Air. I'll attack him. _Phaedrus_, what News to Day?

_Ph._ Why do you ask me that Question, _Aulus_?

_Aul._ Because, of a _Phaedrus_, you seem to have become a _Cato_, there is so much Sourness in your Countenance.

_Ph._ That's no Wonder, my Friend, I am just come from Confession.

_Aul._ Nay, then my Wonder's over; but tell me upon your honest Word, did you confess all?

_Ph._ All that I could remember, but one.

_Aul._ And why did you reserve that one?

_Ph._ Because I can't be out of Love with it.

_Aul._ It must needs be some pleasant Sin.

_Ph._ I can't tell whether it is a Sin or no; but if you are at Leisure, you shall hear what it is.

_Aul._ I would be glad to hear it, with all my Heart.

_Ph._ You know what cheating Tricks are play'd by our _Jockeys_, who sell and let out Horses.

_Aul._ Yes, I know more of them than I wish I did, having been cheated by them more than once.

_Ph._ I had Occasion lately to go a pretty long Journey, and I was in great Haste; I went to one that you would have said was none of the worst of 'em, and there was some small Matter of Friendship between us. I told him I had an urgent Business to do, and had Occasion for a strong able Gelding; desiring, that if he would ever be my Friend in any Thing, he would be so now. He promised me, that he would use me as kindly as if I were his own dear Brother.

_Aul._ It may be he would have cheated his Brother.

_Ph._ He leads me into the Stable, and bids me chuse which I would out of them all. At last I pitch'd upon one that I lik'd better than the rest. He commends my Judgment, protesting that a great many Persons had had a Mind to that Horse; but he resolved to keep him rather for a singular Friend, than sell him to a Stranger. I agreed with him as to the Price, paid him down his Money, got upon the Horse's Back. Upon the first setting out, my Steed falls a prancing; you would have said he was a Horse of Mettle; he was plump, and in good Case: But, by that Time I had rid him an Hour and a half, I perceiv'd he was downright tir'd, nor could I by spurring him, get him any further. I had heard that such Jades had been kept for Cheats, that you would take by their Looks to be very good Horses; but were worth nothing for Service. I says to myself presently, I am caught. But when I come Home again, I will shew him Trick for Trick.

_Aul._ But what did you do in this Case, being a Horseman without a Horse?

_Ph._ I did what I was oblig'd to do. I turn'd into the next Village, and there I set my Horse up privately, with an Acquaintance, and hired another, and prosecuted my Journey; and when I came back, I return'd my hired Horse, and finding my own in very good Case, and thoroughly rested, I mounted his Back, and rid back to the Horse-Courser, desiring him to set him up for a few Days, till I called for him again. He ask'd me how well he carry'd me; I swore by all that was good, that I never bestrid a better Nag in my Life, that he flew rather than walk'd, nor ever tir'd the least in the World in all so long a Journey, nor was a Hair the leaner for it. I having made him believe that these Things were true, he thought with himself, he had been mistaken in this Horse; and therefore, before I went away, he ask'd me if I would sell the Horse. I refus'd at first; because if I should have Occasion to go such another Journey, I should not easily get the Fellow of him; but however, I valued nothing so much, but I would sell it, if I could have a good Price for it, altho' any Body had a Mind to buy myself.

_Aul._ This was fighting a Man with his own Weapons.

_Ph._ In short, he would not let me go away, before I had set a Price upon him. I rated him at a great Deal more than he cost me. Being gone, I got an Acquaintance to act for me, and gave him Instructions how to behave himself: He goes to the House, and calls for the Horse-Courser, telling him, that he had Occasion for a very good, and a very hardy Nag. The Horse-Courser shews him a great many Horses, still commending the worst most of all; but says not a Word of that Horse he had sold me, verily believing he was such as I had represented him. My Friend presently ask'd whether that was not to be sold; for I had given him a Description of the Horse, and the Place where he stood. The Horse-Courser at first made no Answer, but commended the rest very highly. The Gentleman lik'd the other Horses pretty well; but always treated about that very Horse: At last thinks the Horse-Courser with himself, I have certainly been out in my Judgment as to this Horse, if this Stranger could presently pick this Horse out of so many. He insisting upon it, He may be sold, says he; but it may be, you'll be frighted at the Price. The Price, says he, is a Case of no great Importance, if the Goodness of the Thing be answerable: Tell me the Price. He told him something more than I had set him at to him, getting the Overplus to himself. At last the Price was agreed on, and a good large Earnest was given, a Ducat of Gold to bind the Bargain. The Purchaser gives the Hostler a Groat, orders him to give his Horse some Corn, and he would come by and by, and fetch him. As soon as ever I heard the Bargain was made so firmly, that it could not be undone again, I go immediately, booted and spurr'd to the Horse-Courser, and being out of Breath, calls for my Horse. He comes and asks what I wanted: Says I, get my Horse ready presently, for I must be gone this Moment, upon an extraordinary Affair: But, says he, you bid me keep the Horse a few Days: That's true, said I, but this Business has happened unexpectedly, and it is the King's Business, and it will admit of no Delay. Says he, take your Choice, which you will of all my Horses; you cannot have your own. I ask'd him, why so? Because, says he, he is sold. Then I pretended to be in a great Passion; God forbid, says I; as this Journey has happen'd, I would not sell him, if any Man would offer me four Times his Price. I fell to wrangling, and cry out, I am ruin'd: At Length he grew a little warm too: What Occasion is there for all this Contention: You set a Price upon your Horse, and I have sold him; if I pay you your Money, you have nothing more to do to me; we have Laws in this City, and you can't compel me to produce the Horse. When I had clamoured a good While, that he would either produce the Horse, or the Man that bought him: He at last pays me down the Money in a Passion. I had bought him for fifteen Guineas, I set him to him at twenty six, and he had valued him at thirty two, and so computed with himself he had better make that Profit of him, than restore the Horse. I go away, as if I was vex'd in my Mind, and scarcely pacified, tho' the Money was paid me: He desires me not to take it amiss, he would make me Amends some other Way: So I bit the Biter: He has a Horse not worth a Groat; he expected that he that had given him the Earnest, should come and pay him the Money; but no Body came, nor ever will come.

_Aul._ But in the mean Time, did he never expostulate the Matter with you?

_Ph._ With what Face or Colour could he do that? I have met him over and over since, and he complain'd of the Unfairness of the Buyer: But I often reason'd the Matter with him, and told him, he deserv'd to be so serv'd, who by his hasty Sale of him, had depriv'd me of my Horse. This was a Fraud so well plac'd, in my Opinion, that I could not find in my Heart to confess it as a Fault.

_Aul._ If I had done such a Thing, I should have been so far from confessing it as a Fault, that I should have requir'd a Statue for it.

_Ph._ I can't tell whether you speak as you think or no; but you set me agog however, to be paying more of these Fellows in their own Coin.

_The BEGGARS DIALOGUE._

The ARGUMENT.

_The Beggars Dialogue paints out the cheating, crafty
Tricks of Beggars, who make a Shew of being full of
Sores, and make a Profession of Palmistry, and other Arts
by which they impose upon many Persons. Nothing is more
like Kingship, than the Life of a Beggar._

IRIDES, MISOPONUS.

_Ir._ What new Sort of Bird is this I see flying here? I know the Face, but the Cloaths don't suit it. If I'm not quite mistaken, this is _Misoponus_. I'll venture to speak to him, as ragged as I am. God save you, _Misoponus_.

_Mis._ Hold your Tongue, I say.

_Ir._ What's the Matter, mayn't a Body salute you?

_Mis._ Not by that Name.

_Ir._ Why, what has happen'd to you? Are you not the same Man that you was? What, have you changed your Name with your Cloaths?

_Mis._ No, but I have taken up my old Name again.

_Ir._ Who was you then?

_Mis._ _Apitius_.

_Ir._ Never be asham'd of your old Acquaintance, if any Thing of a better Fortune has happen'd to you. It is not long since you belong'd to our Order.

_Mis._ Prithee, come hither, and I'll tell you the whole Story. I am not asham'd of your Order; but I am asham'd of the Order that I was first of myself.

_Ir._ What Order do you mean? That of the _Franciscans_?

_Mis._ No, by no Means, my good Friend; but the Order of the Spendthrifts.

_Ir._ In Truth, you have a great many Companions of that Order.

_Mis._ I had a good Fortune, I spent lavishly, and when I began to be in Want, no Body knew _Apitius_. I ran away for Shame, and betook myself to your College: I lik'd that better than digging.

_Ir._ Very wisely done; but how comes your Body to be in so good Case of late? For as to your Change of Cloaths, I don't so much wonder at that.

_Mis._ Why so?

_Ir._ Because the Goddess _Laverna_ makes many rich on a sudden.

_Mis._ What! do you think I got an Estate by Thieving then?

_Ir._ Nay, perhaps more idly, by Rapine.

_Mis._ No, I swear by your Goddess _Penia_, neither by Thieving, nor by Rapine. But first I'll satisfy you as to the State of my Body, which seems to you to be the most admirable.

_Ir._ For when you were with us, you were all over full of Sores.

_Mis._ But I have since made Use of a very friendly Physician.

_Ir._ Who?

_Mis._ No other Person but myself, unless you think any Body is more friendly to me, than I am to myself.

_Ir._ But I never knew you understood Physick before.

_Mis._ Why all that Dress was nothing but a Cheat I had daub'd on with Paints, Frankincense, Brimstone, Rosin, Birdlime, and Clouts dipp'd in Blood; and what I put on, when I pleas'd I took off again.

_Ir._ O Impostor! Nothing appear'd more miserable than you were. You might have acted the Part of Job in a Tragedy.

_Mis._ My Necessity made me do it, though Fortune sometimes is apt to change the Skin too.

_Ir._ Well then, tell me of your Fortune. Have you found a Treasure?

_Mis._ No; but I have found out a Way of getting Money that's a little better than yours.

_Ir._ What could you get Money out of, that had no Stock?

_Mis._ _An Artist will live any where._

_Ir._ I understand you now, you mean the Art of picking Pockets.

_Mis._ Not so hard upon me, I pray; I mean the Art of Chymistry.

_Ir._ Why 'tis scarce above a Fortnight, since you went away from us, and have you in that Time learn'd an Art, that others can hardly learn in many Years?

_Mis._ But I have got a shorter Way.

_Ir._ Prithee, what Way?

_Mis._ When I had gotten almost four Guineas by your Art, I happened, as good Luck would have it, to fall into the Company of an old Companion of mine, who had manag'd his Matters in the World no better than I had done. We went to drink together; he began, as the common Custom is, to tell of his Adventures. I made a Bargain with him to pay his Reckoning, upon Condition that he should faithfully teach me his Art. He taught it me very honestly, and now 'tis my Livelihood.

_Ir._ Mayn't a Body learn it?

_Mis._ I'll teach it you for nothing, for old Acquaintance Sake. You know, that there are every where a great many that are very fond of this Art.

_Ir._ I have heard so, and I believe it is true.

_Mis._ I take all Opportunities of insinuating myself into their Acquaintance, and talk big of my Art, and where-ever I find an hungry Sea-Cob, I throw him out a Bait.

_Ir._ How do you do that?

_Mis._ I caution him by all Means, not rashly to trust Men of that Profession, for that they are most of them Cheats, that by their _hocus pocus_ Tricks, pick the Pockets of those that are not cautious.

_Ir._ That Prologue is not fit for your Business.

_Mis._ Nay, I add this further, that I would not have them believe me myself, unless they saw the Matter plainly with their own Eyes, and felt it with their Hands.

_Ir._ You speak of a wonderful Confidence you have in your Art.

_Mis._ I bid them be present all the While the Metamorphosis is under the Operation, and to look on very attentively, and that they may have the less Reason to doubt, to perform the whole Operation with their own Hands, while I stand at a Distance, and don't so much as put my Finger to it. I put them to refine the melted Matter themselves, or carry it to the Refiners to be done; I tell them beforehand, how much Silver or Gold it will afford: And in the last Place, I bid them carry the melted Mass to several Goldsmiths, to have it try'd by the Touchstone. They find the exact Weight that I told them; they find it to be the finest Gold or Silver, it is all one to me which it is, except that the Experiment in Silver is the less chargeable to me.

_Ir._ But has your Art no Cheat in it?

_Mis._ It is a mere Cheat all over.

_Ir._ I can't see where the Cheat lies.

_Mis._ I'll make you see it presently. I first make a Bargain for my Reward, but I won't be paid before I have given a Proof of the Thing itself: I give them a little Powder, as though the whole Business was effected by the Virtue of that; but I never tell them how to make it, except they purchase it at a very great Price. And I make them take an Oath, that for six Months they shall not discover the Secret to any Body living.

_Ir._ But I han't heard the Cheat yet.

_Mis._ The whole Mystery lies in one Coal, that I have prepared for this Purpose. I make a Coal hollow, and into it I pour melted Silver, to the Quantity I tell them before-Hand will be produc'd. And after the Powder is put in, I set the Pot in such a Manner, that it is cover'd all over, above, beneath, and Sides, with Coals, and I persuade them, that the Art consists in that; among those Coals that are laid at Top, I put in one that has the Silver or Gold in it, that being melted by the Heat of the Fire, falls down among the other Metal, which melts, as suppose Tin or Brass, and upon the Separation, it is found and taken out.

_Ir._ A ready Way; but, how do you manage the Fallacy, when another does it all with his own Hands?

_Mis._ When he has done every Thing, according to my Direction, before the Crucible is stirr'd, I come and look about, to see if nothing has been omitted, and then I say, that there seems to want a Coal or two at the Top, and pretending to take one out of the Coal-Heap, I privately lay on one of my own, or have laid it there ready before-Hand, which I can take, and no Body know any Thing of the Matter.

_Ir._ But when they try to do this without you, and it does not succeed, what Excuse have you to make?

_Mis._ I'm safe enough when I have got my Money. I pretend one Thing or other, either that the Crucible was crack'd, or the Coals naught, or the Fire not well tempered. And in the last Place, one Part of the Mystery of my Profession is, never to stay long in the same Place.

_Ir._ And is there so much Profit in this Art as to maintain you?

_Mis._ Yes, and nobly too: And I would have you, for the future, if you are wise, leave off that wretched Trade of Begging, and follow ours.

_Ir._ Nay, I should rather chuse to bring you back to our Trade.

_Mis._ What, that I should voluntarily return again to that I have escap'd from, and forsake that which I have found profitable?

_Ir._ This Profession of ours has this Property in it, that it grows pleasant by Custom. And thence it is, that tho' many have fallen off from the Order of St. _Francis_ or St. _Benedict_, did you ever know any that had been long in our Order, quit it? For you could scarce taste the Sweetness of Beggary in so few Months as you follow'd it.

_Mis._ That little Taste I had of it taught me, that it was the most wretched Life in Nature.

_Ir._ Why does no Body quit it then?

_Mis._ Perhaps, because they are naturally wretched.

_Ir._ I would not change this Wretchedness, for the Fortune of a King. For there is nothing more like a King, than the Life of a Beggar.

_Mis._ What strange Story do I hear? Is nothing more like Snow than a Coal?

_Ir._ Wherein consists the greatest Happiness of Kings?

_Mis._ Because in that they can do what they please.

_Ir._ As for that Liberty, than which nothing is sweeter, we have more of it than any King upon Earth; and I don't doubt, but there are many Kings that envy us Beggars. Let there be War or Peace we live secure, we are not press'd for Soldiers, nor put upon Parish-Offices, nor taxed. When the People are loaded with Taxes, there's no Scrutiny into our Way of Living. If we commit any Thing that is illegal, who will sue a Beggar? If we beat a Man, he will be asham'd to fight with a Beggar? Kings can't live at Ease neither in War or in Peace, and the greater they are, the greater are their Fears. The common People are afraid to offend us, out of a certain Sort of Reverence, as being consecrated to God.

_Mis._ But then, how nasty are ye in your Rags and Kennels?

_Ir._ What do they signify to real Happiness. Those Things you speak of are out of a Man. We owe our Happiness to these Rags.

_Mis._ But I am afraid a good Part of your Happiness will fail you in a short Time.

_Ir._ How so?

_Mis._ Because I have heard a Talk in the Cities, that there will be a Law, that Mendicants shan't be allow'd to stroll about at their Pleasure, but every City shall maintain its own Poor; and that they that are able shall be made to work.

_Ir._ What Reason have they for this?

_Mis._ Because they find great Rogueries committed under Pretence of Begging, and that there are great Inconveniencies arise to the Publick from your Order.

_Ir._ Ay, I have heard these Stones Time after Time, and they'll bring it about when the Devil's blind.

_Mis._ Perhaps sooner than you'd have it.

_The FABULOUS FEAST._

The ARGUMENT.

_The fabulous Feast contains various Stories and pleasant
Tales._ Maccus _puts a Trick upon a Shoe-maker. A
Fruiterer is put upon about her Figs. A very clever Cheat
of a Priest, in relation to Money._ Lewis _the Eleventh,
King of_ France, _eats some of a Country-Man's Turnips,
and gives him 1000 Crowns for an extraordinary large one
that he made a Present of to him. A certain Man takes a
Louse off of the King's Garment, and the King gives him
40 Crowns for it. The Courtiers are trick'd. One asks for
an Office, or some publick Employment. To deny a Kindness
presently, is to bestow a Benefit._ Maximilian _was very
merciful to his Debtors. An old Priest Cheats an Usurer._
Anthony _salutes one upon letting a Fart, saying the
Backside was the cleanest Part of the Body._

POLYMYTHUS, GELASINUS, EUTRAPELUS, ASTÆUS, PHILYTHLUS,
PHILOGELOS, EUGLOTTUS, LEROCHARES, ADOLESCHES, LEVINUS.

_Pol._ As it is unfitting for a well order'd City to be without Laws and without a Governor; so neither ought a Feast to be without Orders and a President.

_Ge._ If I may speak for the rest, I like it very well.

_Po._ Soho, Sirrah! bring hither the Dice, the Matter shall be determin'd by their Votes; he shall be our President that _Jupiter_ shall favour. O brave! _Eutrapelus_ has it, the fittest Man that could be chosen, if we had every individual Man of us thrown. There is an usual Proverb, that has more Truth in't than good Latin, _Novus Rex nova Lex, New Lords new Laws_. Therefore, King, make thou Laws.

_Eut._ That this may be a merry and happy Banquet, in the first Place I command, that no Man tell a Story but what is a ridiculous one. He that shall have no Story to tell, shall pay a Groat, to be spent in Wine; and Stories invented extempore shall be allow'd as legitimate, provided Regard be had to Probability and Decency. If no Body shall want a Story, let those two that tell, the one the pleasantest, and the other the dullest, pay for Wine. Let the Master of the Feast be at no Charge for Wine, but only for the Provisions of the Feast. If any Difference about this Matter shall happen, let _Gelasinus_ be Judge. If you agree to these Conditions, let 'em be ratified. He that won't observe the Orders, let him be gone, but with Liberty to come again to a Collation the next Day.

_Ge._ We give our Votes for the Passing the Bill our King has brought in. But who must tell the first Story?

_Eut._ Who should, but the Master of the Feast?

_As._ But, Mr. King, may I have the liberty to speak three Words?

_Eut._ What, do you take the Feast to be an unlucky one?

_As._ The Lawyers deny that to be Law that is not just.

_Eut._ I grant it.

_As._ Your Law makes the best and worst Stories equal.

_Eut._ Where Diversion is the Thing aim'd at, there he deserves as much Commendation who tells the worst, as he that tells the best Story, because it affords as much Merriment; as amongst Songsters none are admir'd but they that sing very well, or they that sing very ill. Do not more laugh to hear the Cuckoo than to hear the Nightingal? In this Case Mediocrity is not Praise-worthy.

_As._ But pray, why must they be punish'd, that carry off the Prize?

_Eut._ Lest their too great Felicity should expose them to Envy, if they should carry away the Prize, and go Shot-free too.

_As._ By _Bacchus, Minos_ himself never made a juster Law.

_Phily._ Do you make no Order as to the Method of Drinking?

_Eut._ Having consider'd the Matter, I will follow the Example of _Agesilaus_ King of the _Lacedæmonians_.

_Phily._ What did he do?

_Eut._ Upon a certain Time, he being by Lot chosen Master of the Feast, when the Marshal of the Hall ask'd him, how much Wine he should set before every Man; If, says he, you have a great Deal of Wine, let every Man have as much as he calls for, but if you're scarce of Wine, give every Man equally alike.

_Phily._ What did the _Lacedæmonian_ mean by that?

_Eut._ He did this, that it might neither be a drunken Feast, nor a querulous one.

_Phily._ Why so?

_Eut._ Because some like to drink plentifully, and some sparingly, and some drink no Wine at all; such an one _Romulus_ is said to have been. For if no Body has any Wine but what he asks for, in the first Place no Body is compell'd to drink, and there is no Want to them that love to drink more plentifully. And so it comes to pass that no Body is melancholy at the Table. And again, if of a less quantity of Wine every one has an equal Portion, they that drink moderately have enough; nor can any Body complain in an Equality, and they that would have drank more largely, are contentedly temperate.

_Eut._ If you like it, this is the Example I would imitate, for I would have this Feast to be a fabulous, but not a drunken one.

_Phily._ But what did _Romulus_ drink then?

_Eut._ The same that Dogs drink.

_Phily._ Was not that unbeseeming a King?

_Eut._ No more than it is unseemly for a King to draw the same Air that Dogs do, unless there is this Difference, that a King does not drink the very same Water that a Dog drank, but a Dog draws in the very same Air that the King breath'd out; and on the contrary, the King draws in the very same Air that the Dog breath'd out. It would have been much more to _Alexander_'s, Glory, if he had drank with the Dogs. For there is nothing worse for a King, who has the Care of so many thousand Persons, than Drunkenness. But the Apothegm that _Romulus_ very wittily made Use of, shews plainly that he was no Wine-Drinker. For when a certain Person, taking Notice of his abstaining from Wine, said to him, that Wine would be very cheap, if all Men drank as he did; nay, says he, in my Opinion it would be very dear, if all Men drank it as I drink; for I drink as much as I please.

_Ge._ I wish our _John Botzemus_, the Canon of _Constance_, was here; he'd look like another _Romulus_ to us: For he is as abstemious, as he is reported to have been; but nevertheless, he is a good-humoured, facetious Companion.

_Po._ But come on, if you can, I won't say _drink and blow_, which _Plautus_ says is a hard Matter to do, but if you can eat and hear at one and the same Time, which is a very easy Matter, I'll begin the Exercise of telling Stories, and auspiciously. If the Story be not a pleasant one, remember 'tis a _Dutch_ one. I suppose some of you have heard of the Name of _Maccus_?

_Ge._ Yes, he has not been dead long.

_Po._ He coming once to the City of _Leiden_, and being a Stranger there, had a Mind to make himself taken Notice of for an arch Trick (for that was his Humour); he goes into a Shoemaker's Shop, and salutes him. The Shoemaker, desirous to sell his Ware, asks him what he would buy: _Maccus_ setting his Eyes upon a Pair of Boots that hung up there, the Shoemaker ask'd him if he'd buy any Boots; _Maccus_ assenting to it, he looks out a Pair that would fit him, and when he had found 'em brings 'em out very readily, and, as the usual Way is, draws 'em on. _Maccus_ being very well fitted with a Pair of Boots, How well, says he, would a Pair of double soal'd Shoes agree with these Boots? The Shoemaker asks him, if he would have a Pair of Shoes too. He assents, a Pair is look'd out presently and put on. _Maccus_ commends the Boots, commends the Shoes. The Shoemaker glad in his Mind to hear him talk so, seconds him as he commended 'em, hoping to get a better Price, since the Customer lik'd his Goods so well. And by this Time they were grown a little familiar; then says _Maccus_, Tell me upon your Word, whether it never was your Hap, when you had fitted a Man with Boots and Shoes, as you have me, to have him go away without paying for 'em? No, never in all my Life, says he. But, says _Maccus_, if such a Thing should happen to you, what would you do in the Case? Why, quoth the Shoemaker, I'd run after him. Then says _Maccus_, but are you in Jest or in Earnest? In Earnest, says the other, and I'd do it in Earnest too. Says _Maccus_, I'll try whether you will or no. See I run for the Shoes, and you're to follow me, and out he runs in a Minute; the Shoemaker follows him immediately as fast as ever he could run, crying out, Stop Thief, stop Thief; this Noise brings the People out of their Houses: _Maccus_ laughing, hinders them from laying Hold of him by this Device, Don't stop me, says he, we are running a Race for a Wager of a Pot of Ale; and so they all stood still and look'd on, thinking the Shoemaker had craftily made that Out-cry that he might have the Opportunity to get before him. At last the Shoemaker, being tir'd with running, gives out, and goes sweating, puffing and blowing Home again: So _Maccus_ got the Prize.