Chapter I: Front Matter (1)

_NOTICE._

The FIRST SERIES of "_THE COMIC ALMANACK_," from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the BEST HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH, A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Woodcuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE, LANDELLS—

May now be had of the Publishers, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,
price 7_s._ 6_d._

☞_The First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise_
THE COMPLETE WORK, _extending from 1835 to 1853_.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK,

2ND SERIES, 1844-1853.

PROBABLE EFFECTS of OVER FEMALE-EMIGRATION, or _Importing_ the Fair
Sex from the Savage Islands in Consequence of _Exporting_ all our
own to Australia!!!!!
]

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING
MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY.
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY

THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.—INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."
]

=With many Hundred Illustrations=

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK

AND OTHER ARTISTS.

_SECOND SERIES_, 1844-1853.

=London:=
CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY.

CONTENTS

THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1844.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1845.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1846.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1847.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1848.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1849.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1850.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1851.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1852.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1853.

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
FOR 1844.

SIMPLE RULES FOR INTERPRETING ACTS OF
PARLIAMENT.

Always avoid reading the preamble, which is likely to confuse rather than to enlighten. It sets forth not what the act is to do, but what it undoes: and confuses you with what the law was, instead of telling you what it is to be.

When you come to a very long clause, skip it altogether, for it is sure to be unintelligible. If you try to attach one meaning to it, the lawyers are sure to attach another; and, therefore, if you are desirous of obeying an act of Parliament, it will be safer not to look at it, but wait until a few contrary decisions have been come to, and then act upon the latest.

When any clause says either one thing or the other shall be right, you may make sure that both will be wrong.

HINTS ON ECONOMY.

It is customary to advise that a shilling should be made to go as far as it possibly can; but surely this would be to throw a shilling away, by making it go so far as to prevent any chance of its coming back again.

A penny saved is said to be twopence earned; so that if you have twopence and save a penny, you have twopence still; and if the twopence be saved till the next day, it will be fourpence; so that at the end of the week it will amount altogether to ten shillings and eightpence. We recommend all very young beginners to try the experiment by putting a penny away to-day, when, if the proverb holds good, it will have become twopence by to-morrow.

"A pin a day is a groat a year;" and it will be advisable if any one doubts the fact, to go and offer three hundred and sixty-five pins at any respectable savings' bank—when, if the proverb be literally true, he will be credited to the amount of fourpence.

"Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day;" and, therefore, if you mean to do a creditor, it is better not to put him off, but to tell him honestly that you have put him down among the things to be done immediately.

HINTS TO EMIGRANTS.

A dealer in pencils should not go to Pencil-vain-here; nor would a man stand a better chance at Botany Bay because he might have a knowledge of botany.

To very hot climates, where there is no glass in the windows, it would be madness in the glazier to take the panes to emigrate.

WINE _VERSUS_ WATER.
GREAT ANTI-TEMPERANCE MEETING.

A highly respectable meeting of some of the most influential Wines, Beers, and Spirits, was held for the purpose of considering the best means of opposing the Temperance Movement. Among those on the platform we particularly noticed Port, Sherry, and Claret; while at the lower end of the room were Cape, Marsala, and a deputation from the British Wines, who were represented by the Two-and-Twopenny Sparkling Champagne, more familiarly known as the "Genuine Walker." Most of the principal wines wore the silver collars of the orders to which they respectively belonged; and Port having been unanimously voted into the chair, the business of the meeting was opened by Corkscrew, in a concise but pointed manner.

CHAMPAGNE was the first to rise, in a state of great effervescence. He declared that he was frothing over with pure indignation at the idea of wine being excluded from the social board; and, indeed, he found it impossible to preserve the coolness which ought to belong to him. He was not one to keep anything long bottled up—(_"Hear," and a laugh_);— indeed, when he once let loose, out it must all come: and he did say that the temperance movement was playing Old Gooseberry with him in every direction.—(_Cries of "Shame!" from the Genuine Walker._)

CLARET said that he did not often get into a state of fermentation; but on this occasion he did feel his natural smoothness forsaking him. He begged leave to propose the following resolution:—"That the substitution of water for wine is likely to dissolve all social ties, and is calculated to do material injury to the constitution."

RUM rose, he said, for the purpose of opposing this resolution, which he thought of too sweeping a character. He (Rum), so far from wishing to get rid of water altogether, was always happy to meet with it on equal terms; and he knew that he (Rum), as well as many of his friends around him, had derived a good deal of their influence from being mixed up with water, and going, as it were, half-way; which there could be no objection to.

GIN begged leave to differ from the honourable spirit that had just sat down, and who was so unaccustomed to be on his legs at all, that it was not surprising he should have failed to make a respectable stand on the present occasion.—(_Cries of "Order!"_)—He (Gin) had no wish to create confusion.—(_Ironical cheering from Marsala._)—He understood the meaning of that cheer; and would certainly confess that the honourable beverage— for he would not use the stronger term of wine—(_A laugh_)—was not likely to create confusion in any quarter. No; he (the honourable beverage) was not strong enough for that.—(_Renewed laughter._)—He (Gin) had, perhaps, suffered more from water than all the other wines and spirits whom he now saw before him put together. His reputation had been materially hurt by it; and he was strongly of opinion that the only thing to be done with water is to throw it overboard.—(_Hear, hear._)

A French Wine, whose name we could not learn, let something drop, but we were unable to catch it.

CAPE now rose, but was immediately coughed down in a very unceremonious manner.

The thanks of the meeting having been voted to Port for his able conduct in the decanter, the meeting separated; but not until a committee had been chosen, consisting of a dozen of wine and a gallon of beer, with power to add to their number, either by water or otherwise.

PREDICTIONS FOR JANUARY.

In examining the horoscope it seems to embrace a wide scope of horrors. There will be dark days for England, which we must be prepared for by lighting candles. After New Year's Day there will be many broils, and Turkey will be torn to pieces by domestic violence.

THE GARDEN.

If anything is done in the garden at this time of the year, perhaps the best thing will be to run about in it. Do not attempt to move any of your trees, but keep your junior branches moving as much as possible. This is the best time to take your shrub in-doors; but it should be rum shrub, watered in moderation, and taken at night over a cheerful fire.

1844.] JANUARY.

DECISIONS IN HILARY TERM.

The property in a lodger's possession may be seized for rent due from a tenant, but it does not appear that the lodger's self-possession can legally be taken away from him.

A flaw in a lease will not always let in the heir, but the air is frequently let in by a flaw in the building.

When a conveyance has already sufficient parties, it has been held that the remainder man may be shut out. This was decided in the cases of Podger _versus_ the driver and conductor of the Atlas Omnibus.

If a party offers to pledge himself, _semble_, that a pawnbroker cannot be compelled to take him in, though it is done frequently.

It is not yet decided whether the new Act for the Protection of the Queen's Person, which inflicts a penalty for presenting fire-arms at the Queen's person, does or does not extend to the sentinels on duty, who present arms at Her Majesty whenever she leaves the Palace.

The New Poor Law Act, prohibiting all out-door relief, does not apply to trees, which may be re-leaved out of doors at the usual period.

It is a question whether, by the recent law, which says that all children under five are to be carried gratuitously in any stage-carriage, a mother may insist on claiming free passage for four children by any public conveyance.

It has been decided that the Act giving the net proceeds of a slave ship to the captors, does not mean that they are only entitled to the fish caught in nets on board the vessel.

The Court of Queen's Bench has declared, that a minor under the age of ten years cannot legally be a miner since the passing of the Mines and Collieries' Regulation Act.

TEN THOUSAND A YEAR.
THE TAX ON PROPERTY.

There's something agreeable in the idea
Of having for income "Ten Thousand a Year:"

But property, while it possesses its beauties,
Is burdened not only with rights but with duties.
It well may be said that the strongest of backs
Is bent with the weight of the Property Tax.
"Ten Thousand a Year" is expected to sport
A carriage of every conceivable sort;
A britschka, a Clarence, landau, and pilentum,
He must purchase as fast as the makers invent 'em.
Each vehicle fashion compels him to take,
Till "Ten Thousand a Year" is reduced to a break.
Of lazy domestics, in liv'ry and out,
A tribe must be kept to be lounging about,
On wages exorbitant, though, it is true,
They've nothing on earth—but their master—to do.
The larder, as well as the pockets, they clear:
'Tis part of the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year."

The blessings of wealth would be given in vain
To one who'd not swim all his friends in champagne:
His dinners must needs be the talk of the season,
As feasts of whate'er can be thought of—but reason.
As a liveried lacquey, perchance, there may wait
Some usurer, having a lien on the plate;
Who will not allow it to pass from his sight,
Although to its owner 'tis lent for the night:
The usurer gracefully keeps in the rear,
Not to mar the effect of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Then balls must be given the _salons_ to fill,
And ruin be met in a graceful quadrille:
'Tis sweet e'en on bankruptcy's margin to stand,
While lulled with the music of Collinet's band.
Such luxuries can't be accounted as dear
By one who's possessed of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Without a town mansion, a park, and a seat,
The rich man's establishment is not complete;
But still on an annual tour he must roam;
His house must on no account serve for his home:
For servants, its comforts may do very well;
He must wander abroad to some foreign hotel:
When the season is over, in town to appear
Would be _très mauvais goût_ of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Extravagant family, daughters and sons,
With distant connections who pester like duns,
On the strength of the fact that their wealthy relation
Can't suffer their wants to reflect on his station—
The family's dignity, honour, and pride;
And many a heavy encumbrance beside,
Of which but a few on the surface appear—
All make up the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year."

MONTHLY OBSERVATIONS.

The depth of rain may be ascertained by placing a common stick in an ordinary puddle; or, to walk into one will answer the same purpose. If there should be ice in your water-jug, Moore says, "Look for its continuance;" but we say, "Look for something to break it, and put an end to it." If there is much fog, it will be useless to look for anything.

USEFUL REMARKS.

A Cure for Toothache:—Extraction is out-and-out the best remedy for this malady.

The Moon—we mean Mr. Sheriff Moon—will be in his second quarter all the month. For the hours of rising, apply in Thread-needle Street.

GENERAL CHARACTER OF THE WEATHER.

The character of the weather is rather violent at this time of the year; for it generally knocks down the thermometer, and is guilty of other very cool proceedings.

FEBRUARY. [1844.

THE END OF PHEASANT SHOOTING.
THE SONG OF THE GAME.

Unto the feathered tribe how pleasant
No more to be in dread of cartridge;
Free is the gay and happy pheasant,
And free as air the simple partridge.

No more the sportsman's gun we hear,
The laws' protection we may claim;
Defying all who venture near,
'Tis now our turn for making game.

We laugh at Lords and Commons too,
For now not one of them is able,
Whate'er with others they may do,
To lay _our_ bills upon the table.

Now occupied in making laws,
They show their legislative powers
In mutilating many a clause;
But they can touch no claws of ours.

The Cockneys now, with sportsman's pride,
In shooting gaiters case their legs;
Their Mantons they may lay aside,
While we aside will lay our Eggs.

PATENTS FOR INVENTIONS.

Patents will, it is expected, be granted—

To SIR ROBERT PEEL; for a new and most efficacious manner of sweeping by machinery, as exemplified in his very sweeping machinery of the Income Tax.

To LADY SALE; for carrying Britannia metal to a high degree of perfection.

To DRS. NEWMAN and PUSEY; for an entirely new method of introducing heat into churches.

To LORD BROUGHAM; for the application of rotatory motion, with a view to obtaining power.

To the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; for an extension of the use of the screw, so as to augment its pressure.

To the POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS; for a new method of diminishing pauperism by reducing the number of paupers; and also for an improved process of grinding.

To DANIEL O'CONNELL; for a most effectual method of draining Ireland.

REPORT ON
THE TRAINING OF PAUPER CHILDREN.

In turning our attention to the infant mind, we have discovered that it is a sort of compound of caoutchouc and wax, the caoutchouc being to the wax about two and a-half to one and three-quarters; so that more whacks will be found requisite to give it a proper tone for educational purposes. There is no doubt that children, like grape-vines, prizefighters, scarlet-runners, and jockeys, are capable of training. The mode of training jockeys, which is to keep them on short diet, so as to diminish their weight, we strongly recommend for the training of pauper children; because, as they are necessarily a burden to the parish, it is only fair that they should be as light a burden as possible.

The introduction of Mr. Hullah's system of Singing for the Million we do not recommend. It increases the appetite by exercising the lungs; and it has been ascertained that if thirty children are taken, of whom fifteen have just sung God Save the Queen, and fifteen have not, the fifteen who have sung God Save the Queen will eat one-sixteenth more than the fifteen others. This was tried with a round of beef and some boys belonging to the Model School at Battersea. The beef, when divided by those who had not been singing, went once into fifteen and something over; but the boys who had been singing went twice into the beef, and left the remainder nothing.

With regard to dancing, we are inclined to believe that it may safely be made a portion of the training of pauper children. It would certainly give facility to their future steps in life, and enable them to turn themselves round after they leave the workhouse. We are also disposed to think that the great demand for cherubs, which is likely to arise by the opening of the large theatres for opera and ballet, will render the "dancing of pauper children" an important source of parochial revenue. With a view to the introduction of dancing into pauper schools, we have caused a copy of the following questions to be addressed to the master of every union workhouse:—

"1. Inquire the state of all the pauper children's toes, and how they are likely to turn out.

"3. Inquire the age at which the dancing days are usually said to be over.

"4. Cause an investigation into the meaning of the familiar term 'leading him a pretty dance;' which is believed to be a sort of _pas de do_ between a debtor, who is out of the way, and a creditor.

"2. Ascertain the number of bow-knees and bandy-legs throughout the school, and divide them into tables, distinguishing the ages of the respective owners."

The Commissioners have little doubt that dancing was originally taught in our colleges; and they think they need only point to the College Hornpipe as a proof of their hypothesis. Sir Christopher Hatton, whose dancing attracted the attention of Queen Elizabeth, probably imbibed his knowledge of the art from one of our great seats of learning; and the Commissioners think it very natural that a good dancer should be capable of filling the first position. It is not unlikely that he was selected to fill the office of Lord Chancellor from his proficiency in the double-shuffle, or from his knowing when to change sides, turn round, and go back to places.

It is to the Commissioners a most refreshing fact that one experiment they have made of a charity ball has been attended with complete success; for a lesson in mathematics is found to combine with a lesson in dancing. The pupils were observed to describe very accurately with their legs a series of the most difficult angles, which they had often very vainly attempted to achieve by the aid of the compasses.

In conclusion, the Commissioners strongly recommend that the masters of workhouses should be instructed to take the proper steps for introducing the art of dancing, as a portion of the future training of pauper children.

PREDICTIONS FOR MARCH.

About the twenty-fifth tenants may look for their landlords; but landlords will, some of them, look in vain for their tenants.

GARDENING OPERATIONS.

Now is the time to force your cucumbers; but if they will not come by being forced, try what can be done by persuasion. All your efforts will be useless if the cucumbers themselves are not in the right frame.

OBSERVATIONS.

The prevalence of the wind is so great in the month of March that the trees generally begin blowing.

The sun will certainly enter Aries on the 19th; which is perhaps a reason for pulling down the kitchen-blinds; but this is optional.

1844.] MARCH.

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.

LEST novelty should receive a check from the cessation of inventions, it is intended to construct a new railroad, to be called the Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric Railroad, the object of which will be to expedite the March of Intellect.

One of the peculiar features of this railroad will be the use of brass instead of iron for the trains; and, as the projectors possess an inexhaustible stock of the former article, there will be no difficulty in procuring it.

Another peculiar feature of this railroad will be, that the shareholders may act as sleepers.

One of the peculiar advantages of the Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric Railroad consists in there being no occasion for steam, the power of raising the wind by the most active and continued puffing being considered sufficient to carry all matters to the terminus of popularity.

There are already two or three engines in the possession of the projectors, one of which is the Humbug Locomotive, of very considerable power.

It is intended to celebrate the opening of the line by a grand march of intellect; Lord Brougham and the projector of the Aerial Ship have both promised to attend. The latter will refute the assertion as to the Aerial Ship having been thrown up; for, instead of being thrown up, it has never been elevated in the smallest degree, nor is such an event at all likely to happen.

AN ESSAY ON RENT.
BY A POLITICAL ECONOMIST.

Rent is the price of land; but there is some rent that is not the price of land: for instance, it must be said of the Repeal Rent, that there is no real ground for it.

An English acre will sometimes yield six per cent.; but the Irish wiseacres have been known to yield much more. It must, however, be remembered that in the latter case draining has been carried to the greatest extent possible.

Rents in England go up when the country is settled; but in Ireland it is quite the reverse: for the Repeal Rent rises when the people are worked up, and it is then they appear willing to come down with it.

The profit of a landlord and the profit of a shopkeeper partake equally of the character of rent. The former lives by tilling his land, and the latter by putting into a till (which is the same thing as tilling) his money.

It is an obvious truth in political economy that the more rent a tenant has to pay, the more a landlord will have to receive, and the better it will be for him. Thus, if a tenant pays no rent for a whole year, more rent will be due, and the value of the property would seem to be increased; at all events, the landlord's claim would be a larger one than if the rent had been regularly paid every quarter.

If a farmer pays five pounds a quarter for his farm, and gets twenty shillings a quarter for his corn, he may consider the difference between the maximum of one and the minimum of the other as the mean product.

The landlord and the tenant equally profit by consumption: for the more that is consumed, the greater the value of what is left. Thus, if a fire consumes a haystack, or consumption of a galloping nature carries off a horse, the owner would, according to political economists, be all the richer for it.

Capital and labour belong legitimately to the subject of rent. The greatest labour is sometimes employed in raising capital; as in the case of the labour bestowed on raising the capital for the statue of the Nelson column. Labour is often intimately connected with rent, for in some neighbourhoods there is a vast deal of labour in collecting it.

Quarter-day is the day when rent comes due. But, when due, it does not always come; and a landlord who expects his rent punctually at the quarter is too sanguine by half.

QUARTER DAY
]

PROSPECTUS OF
THE AERIAL BUILDING COMPANY.

A few gentlemen having taken the air for the purposes of building, have formed themselves into a Company, and are anxious to let in a limited number of the public. A surveyor, employed to survey the air, has reported that he sees nothing to obstruct the views of the Company. It is one of the peculiar advantages of this Association that there need be no outlay for land; and the great hope of success in this speculation arises from the fact that there is no ground for it. The Company will apply to Parliament for an Air-Enclosure Bill, on the same principle as the proposed measure for shutting up Hampstead Heath; but, in the meantime, the treasurer will receive deposits on shares, and take premiums for air allotments. The intention of the Company is to form an Aerial City; and an architect has drawn plans, including sites for the various contemplated buildings, the whole of which buildings may be seen (on paper) at the Society's office, so that the sites may be at once secured and paid for.

The Company, not desiring to express any opinion as to the various contrivances for navigating the air proposed within the last few years, will leave it to the public to decide which principle it will be best to adopt, the Company declining to have anything to do with any principle whatever.

The Company, it must be understood, will convey the air under hand and seal; but the purchaser will have to convey the building. It is a desirable point in this speculation that there will be no tax for paving or lighting, there being no charge made by the Trustees of the Milky Way, nor is there any star-rate payable.

It is suggested that much may be done by parties willing to speculate in the air, when they are once comfortably settled there. Though it is true that the experiment of procuring sunbeams from cucumbers was never successfully carried out, the Aerial Building Company would hint the possibility of reversing this project, by getting cucumbers from sunbeams.

Further particulars may be had at the office in Air Street, where any questions may be asked; but, to save trouble, no answers will be given to any but _bonâ fide_ shareholders.—There are vacancies for a few clerks, who, on taking shares to the amount of £500, will receive 30s. a week for their services while the Company lasts, in addition to the usual dividend.

THE WEATHER.

Hail now commences its reign. If the Surrey Zoological Gardens should open, expect a flow of showers, particularly if the announcements should name a day for a show of flowers.

FARMING OPERATIONS.

Sow acorns in pots, with a view to future timber; and plant out young oaks in mignonette boxes. Sell off your pork, if you have any on hand; and, if you have a live pig, it will be better to go the whole hog and get rid of it at once, for the sale becomes doubtful as the summer advances.

PROVINCIAL THEATRICALS.

Mr. Doublethrust, who had long occupied the honourable position of second cut-throat on the national boards, finding that the managers had taken to cutting each others' throats, and consequently left nothing for him to do, got together a select company for the purpose of performing Shakspeare in the provinces. Having arrived at a small village in the north, he became lessee of a barn, and advertised to open it "on the principle of the national theatres," the latter having been frequently conducted in a style worthy of the former, so that there was nothing really new in the combination. The season was announced to commence with

MACBETH,
=From the Text of Shakspeare:=
Followed by
A NAVAL HORNPIPE,
=From the Text of T. P. Cooke:=
Preceded by
AN ADDRESS,
Written expressly for the occasion, by the
PRESIDENT OF THE LOCAL INSTITUTION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF
SCIENCE.

The barn was crowded; and the leading family in the village occupied the threshing machine, which was fitted up as a private box. The national anthem was played on a bird organ, the whole company standing; immediately after which Mr. Doublethrust spoke the Address, from which we give an extract:—

Private Box.
]

A Star.
]

"Shall Shakspeare to the wall unheeded go?
A hundred thousand echoes answer—No!
But shall the local talent be neglected?
No! that at least shall be by us protected.
We'll cultivate the village poet's fame,
If Jones, or Smith, or Tomkins be his name."

1844.] APRIL.

"ALL HAIL, MACBETH!"

THE cheering here was tremendous, there being in the village three young men with the names mentioned, each having high pretensions to literary distinction. The Jonesites were vehement in their applause; but the Tomkinsonians were not to be outdone; and the Smithians being thus worked up to an enthusiastic pitch of excitement, it was some time before Mr. Doublethrust could proceed with the address he was speaking. The following were the concluding lines, which elicited the most rapturous shrieks ever heard within an English barn, or indeed beneath a British weathercock:—

Drawing a House.
]

A Moving Address.
]

"We pledge ourselves to do our very best,
And leave to fickle fortune all the rest.
Aided by you we boldly laugh at fate,—
And, by the way, half-price at half past eight,
'Tis here that human nature may be learned,—
_Vivat Regina!_—Money not returned!"

The play of "Macbeth," _from_ the text of Shakspeare, now proceeded, and the manager's candour in using the disjunctive _from_ was speedily visible. The ambitious thane wore a plaid shawl, commonly called a horse-cloth, and a pair of stocking-drawers, with a breast-plate formed of the brass ornaments used to cover the screws of tent bedsteads. The scene with the witches was thrown into such confusion by the performers not knowing their parts, that it was impossible to say which was witch, and, by way of an overflow at half-price, the rain came on in such torrents at about half-past eight, that in the fourth act Macbeth came on under an umbrella, beneath the shelter of which he concluded the performance. The damp thus thrown on the efforts of the new lessee brought the season to a precipitate close, and Doublethrust abdicated the managerial throne after a short rain, but by no means a merry one.

WHO SHALL EDUCATE THE PRINCE OF WALES?

Wanted a Tutor!
His qualities we thus define:—
In mind he must be masculine,
In politics quite neuter.
Of law he must possess a smattering,
Sufficient just to set him chattering
On the prerogatives of kings,
And other less important things.
Of how the English crown
Has come from William down;
How it descended smooth and even,
Till from the Empress Maud
It was unjustly clawed,
By her ambitious younger cousin Stephen.
How subsequently John
Did try it on;
Causing a slight digression
In the succession.
And how, to come to times much nigher,
The title to the crown,
Upon the heirs was settled down,
Of the Princess Sophia.
Wanted a Tutor for the Prince of Wales!
No one whose patience ever fails,
Whate'er that patience may occur to try,
Need take the trouble to apply.
He must possess the power
Of making learning quite a treat;
Retaining nothing but the sweet,
And throwing out the sour.
To grammar and orthography,
To spelling and geography,
To Latin and geometry,
To Greek and trigonometry,
He must be able to impart
Charms that will win a royal heart.
And this must all be done indeed
At railroad speed.
He must possess the power of teaching faster
Than those who promise in a week
To teach their pupils Spanish, French, or Greek,
Without a master!
He must be competent to give an inkling
Of all the sciences that are,
Teaching the name of every star,
Quite in a twinkling.
All those who seek the royal Tutor's place
Must be proficients in each modern grace;
No one need to the office make pretence
Who cannot teach the Prince to sing;
Dance, draw, and all that sort of thing,
And use the foils without offence.
Wanted a Tutor, patient, clever, steady,
With knowledge upon every topic,
Within each hemisphere and tropic,
Like joints at ordinaries, "always ready."
He must be in possession
Of first-rate knowledge,
That can be gleaned from every college,
As well as each profession.
To matters clerical and lay
He must be quite _au fait_.
Army and navy he must comprehend,
To everything his knowledge must extend;
But _nota bene_, by-the-bye,
No lawyer, churchman, soldier, sailor, need apply.

ELECTION CORRESPONDENCE.

_From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the Agent in London._

MY DEAR SIR,

The squibs you sent down have all been circulated, but money is more wanted. Podger, the butcher, is wavering; being an influential man there are several who always vote as he does. I am sorry to see his firmness giving way; but if you send down fifty pounds by return of post, I think I may be able to strengthen his principles.

Yours, very truly,
PETER PLIANT.

_From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country._

MY DEAR SIR,

I am sorry that no more money can be sent down; for it is absolutely necessary to keep the London Committee constantly sitting, which can only be done by allowing a constant supply of soup, sandwiches, and sherry. Instead of sending money to you, we had hoped that your local patriotism would have supplied additional funds to us. I forward a loaf, borrowed from one of the theatres, where it was used in a pantomime. You will of course understand that you are to fix it on a pole, marked "cheap bread," and contrast it with the smallest loaf you can get hold off, which must be labelled "corn laws."

Yours, sincerely,
J. CRAMWELL.

MAY. [1844.

THROWN OUT FOR THE CITY.

_From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the
Agent in London._

MY DEAR SIR,

Demanding a Poll.
]

Member for Cripplegate.
]

Thanks for the pantomimic loaf, which told very well; but the money would have answered better. They are making a great fuss on the other side about slave-grown sugar: one hit they have made tells against us very powerfully. They have got four of the Lascar beggars who happened to come into the town, and have borrowed some fetters from the manager of the theatre, which they have fixed to the wrists of the Lascars: each has on his breast a placard, asking, "Am I not a brother?" and on his back is a bill bearing the inscription, "No slave-grown sugar!" If you can put us up to any plan for answering this, let me hear from you immediately.

Yours, in haste, PETER PLIANT.

_From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country._

MY DEAR SIR,

I don't know how to answer the placard "Are we not brothers?" unless by a hit at the Poor Law. You had better get as many old vagrants together as you can; and, putting them into workhouse dresses, label their breasts with the words, "Are we not husbands?" Their backs may display placards with the words, "No Poor Law—no separation of man and wife!" This will be a safe card, if played immediately.

Yours, in haste, J. CRAMWELL.

THE ROYAL ACADEMY
]

CRITICAL ESSAY ON THE PRIZE CARTOONS.

The late competition for Cartoons must cause some alteration in the next edition of Johnson's Dictionary; for what is meant by the word Cartoon will require considerable explanation, after the very extraordinary collection recently exhibited at Westminster. According to some of the artists, Cartoon signifies anything brought in a cart; for such is the only claim to be called a Cartoon that many of the specimens can pretend to. Chalking walls used formerly to be a very profitable employment; and we have often thought what could have become of the wall-chalkers since the blacking-makers ceased to have their Day—and Martin. These artists of a menial capacity (_vide_ the Latin Dictionary for the meaning of _mœnial_) came out in considerable strength at the late exhibition of Cartoons, and they have chalked up a pretty long account against themselves on the walls of Westminster. That the exhibition was put an end to rather summarily at the beginning of autumn, we are not surprised; it is only astonishing that they were not made to "walk their chalks" at a much earlier period.

The Commissioners of the fine arts shot at a pigeon, and killed a crow. They wished to ascertain the state of the art of historical painting, and got a glorious collection of designs for burlesquing British history, showing at once the palmy state to which the art of caricature has risen in this country. Fauns have been satirized, and the British lion has been made in the mane a very humorous-looking animal. As to Magna Carta, never did it give rise to such tremendous liberties as the drawers of the Cartoons have taken with it. Shakspeare is fortunately immortal, or his fame could scarcely have escaped the violent hands that have been laid upon him. Macbeth and the Witches are so beautifully confused that it is difficult to say which is Macbeth and which the Witches. There is the murder of Duncan, with his two sons in the distance, looking on as calmly as if they were indeed very distant relatives. There is the Ghost of Cæsar appearing to Brutus; but the artist, not knowing how to treat light and shade, has caricatured the shade most miserably. Some have selected Shakspeare upon Mercy for illustration, but without having any mercy upon Shakspeare; and somebody has favoured us with Drake on the quarter-deck, Drake being distinguished by a pair of ducks,—a touch of humour we could not fail to appreciate. Most of the artists seemed to have laboured under an awful enlargement of the imagination, which set them off commencing their drawings upon an enormous scale, obliging them to moderate their conceptions before the completion of the picture. The fact that there was many a Cartoon which would have gone in, but that there was no getting it through the door, illustrates this malady among the artists. It may be considered as a species of Elephantiasis, inducing the idea that one's self and one's subject are much more vast than they are in reality. It would seem that some of the artists have misread the advertisement of the Commissioners of Fine Arts, and that for the word "decorate" some of them read "desecrate" the walls of Parliament.

1844.] JUNE.

The Iron Peer.
]

THE WATERING-PLACES OF ENGLAND.

Serene and fair is Battersea,
As it breasts the river's side;
While past it, gushing fast and free,
There flows the limpid tide!
How smooth the water at its base,
No mirror could be flatter;
Named, from the softness of its face,
The sea, the sea of Batter!

But let us cross the shining main,
Which heaves with gentle swell;
And we the fertile shore shall gain
That skirts the sea of Chel.
Within the water, when 'tis clear,
We can extremely well see
The image of the Iron Pier,—
Then hail to merry Chelsea!

The hardy mariner may boast
Of voyage long and far;
To where, upon the Greenwich coast,
Reclines the worn-out tar.
The perils of the vasty deep,
The shore with shelving ridges,
I will avoid, and always keep
On _this_ side of the bridges.

DOMESTIC HINTS FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL.

In making bread, care should be taken to set the sponge properly. The best sponge can be obtained at hairdressers' shops, and it may be as well to ask the hairdresser the best method of setting it.

Bees are a source of great profit. The wax from the ceiling of the hive is a capital substitute for sealing-wax. As bees deposit their honey in combs, each hive should have a small-tooth comb placed inside it.

A hen gives notice of her intention to lay by talking to herself. When she commences this kind of monopolylogue, provide her with a private box for the season.

Eggs may be kept any time if they are not eaten: when they are intended for food, they should be used as fresh as possible. Ducks' eggs are sometimes placed under hens, but hens' eggs, or indeed any eggs at all, are not eligible things for ducks to sit upon.

REPORT OF
THE ROYAL HUMANE SOCIETY
FOR THE PREVENTION OF ACCIDENTS ON ARTIFICIAL ICE.

This Society has been established for the Prevention of Accidents on Artificial Ice, and is happy to refer the public to the following

CASE.

A gentleman was skating in a first floor, and had been several times warned by artificial ice-man Snooks not to pass over a certain spot, for it was known there was a large chandelier immediately beneath, the great heat from which, by thawing the artificial ice, might render it dangerous. The gentleman, however, persisted; when, following the usual course, the Humane Society caused ropes to be thrown across from side to side, which might at all events catch the skates, if not check the boldness of the skaters. Luckily, the precaution took effect, tripping the gentleman up, and breaking his fall; when another artificial ice-man, seeing the danger, resorted to the customary experiment of placing a ladder immediately over the hole into which the skater had been plunged. This course is always adopted on natural ice; for, as a person before drowning is supposed to rise three times, it is desirable to prolong his chance by preventing him from rising at all—even for the first time—as long as possible. Unfortunately, there was no boathook at hand—an instrument found so useful in cases of accident on natural ice, or it is probable that the individual might have been fished up with the greatest facility. The gentleman was now immersed in mortar, and, hanging on by a rafter, presented a complete case of suspended animation for several minutes. Artificial ice-man Snooks immediately plunged in among the laths, while the plaster cracked and gave way at every step he took, in the most frightful manner. He had previously made fast a rope to a hook in the ceiling above, and the unfortunate individual, who clung to his preserver, was thus extracted from his perilous position. The usual remedies were promptly resorted to. He was held up for several minutes by the heels, to allow the dust and plaster to escape from his mouth, and was then taken to the receiving-house, where brandy-and-water were administered in such copious draughts, and with such excellent effect, that he soon lost all sense of the accident.

A NEW ART-IF-ICE—Doubly Hazardous.
]

The Society would earnestly recommend the following precautions to all who are in the habit of resorting to the artificial ice:—

Always select, if possible, a ground floor; and, indeed, from the specimens of skating exhibited every day by the horses, it would seem that the wooden pavement is better adapted than anything else to the purpose of glaciarium. When you feel yourself going into a hole, throw yourself on your back, when the artificial ice-man will probably dash a ladder on to your face; and if you can contrive to get your head through the rounds of the ladder, you are drawn up easily.

Never venture where you see a board with the word "Dangerous." You may be sure that the Society's men are aware of a hole, which, as they have made it themselves by sticking up the board, they can have made no mistake about.

The Humane Society, fully aware of the efficacy of brandy in cases of suspended animation, caused an analysis to be made of the brandy-balls usually sold upon the ice, when the following result was obtained:—

Sugar, in solution 15
Some mysterious mixture, of which no solution could be found 75
Dust 8
Peppermint 2
Brandy 0
———
100

On the whole, the Society would not feel justified in recommending it as a stimulant.

The following prizes have already been distributed by the Society: To artificial ice-man Brown, for plunging into a parlour, where a gentleman had fallen on to a tea-table, and rescuing him from a boiling watery grave, the small silver medal, with a portrait of the Queen on one side, and the words "SIX PENCE," in raised letters, on the other. The thanks of the Society, on comic note-paper, were also given to the tradesman who had supplied (on credit) the whole of the apparatus.

* * * * *

JULY. [1844.

POLITICAL PAS-DE-QUATRE.

WE give the following as the last new dances patronized by the most distinguished Members of both Houses of Parliament:—

THE DEBATE.

First gentleman comes forward, and sets to gentleman opposite. Second gentleman does the same: and third couple pair off right and left.

Union is Strength.
]

THE RESIGNATION.

First gentleman advances to first lady, and then retires. Second gentleman takes the place of first gentleman, and advances to first lady; who executes a _dos à dos_ with first gentleman. First and second gentlemen cross to opposite sides, and second gentleman turns first gentleman over.

THE LORD BROUGHAM.

Turn right and left, meet half way; then back again. Cross over, pass behind, go up and down, and continue changing sides, till arriving at the bottom.

11. Prince of Orange assassinated, 1584.

How cruel this unhappy prince to slaughter!
'Tis strange that Orange should have had no quarter!

State of the Crops.

Abundant.
]

Middling.
]

Scarcity.
]

Guy Fawkes treated Classically—An Unexhibited Cartoon
]

THE UNEXHIBITED CARTOON OF GUY FAWKES.
BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

Having been advised by my friends to publish a sketch of my cartoon, intended for exhibition at Westminster Hall, I think the public, upon seeing it, will require some explanation of it. The subject has often been treated, and sometimes rather ill-treated, by preceding artists. Being forcibly struck by the grand classical style, I have aimed at it, and I trust I have succeeded in hitting it. At all events, if I have not quite come up to the mark, I have had a good bold fling at it.

The first thing I thought it necessary to think of (though, by-the-bye, it is generally the last thing thought of in historical painting), was to get a faithful portrait of the principal character. For that purpose I determined to study nature, and strolled about London and the suburbs on the 5th of November, in search of a likeness of Fawkes, caring little under what Guys it might be presented to me. Unfortunately, some had long noses and some had short; so, putting this and that together, the long and the short of it is, that I determined on adopting a living prototype, who has been blowing up both Houses of Parliament for several years, and if not a Fawkes in other respects, is at least famous for encouraging forking out on the part of others.

Having got over the preliminary difficulty, I set to work upon my cartoon: and being resolved to make it a greater work than had ever before been known, I forgot the prescribed size, for my head was far above the consideration of mere feet, and I did not reflect, that where Parliament had given an inch I was taking an ell, at the very lowest estimate. Having strolled towards Westminster Hall to survey the scene of my future triumphs, it struck me that I had carried the grand classical to such a height as to preclude all chance of my cartoon being got in through the doorway: and I, therefore, with the promptitude of a Richard the Third, determined to "Off with his head," by taking a slice off the top of the canvass. This necessary piece of execution rather spoiled the design, but it enabled me to throw a heaviness into the brows of my principal figure, which, if it marred the resemblance to Fawkes, gave him an additional look of the Guy, at all events. It then occurred to me that I might further diminish the dimensions by taking a couple of feet off the legs; and this happy idea enabled me to carry out the historical notion that Fawkes was the mere tool of others, in which case, to cramp him in the understanding must be considered a nice blending of the false in art with the true in nature. The Guy's feet were accordingly foreshortened, till I left him, as he appeared when trying to defend himself at his trial, with hardly a leg to stand upon. Besides I knew I could fresco out his calves in fine style, when I once got permission to turn the fruit of my labours into wall-fruit, on the inside of the Houses of Parliament.

It will now be naturally asked, why my cartoon was not exhibited with others, some of each were equally monstrous, in the Hall of Westminster. The fact is, if the truth must out, the cartoon would not go in. Though I had cramped my genius already to suit the views of the Commissioners, and the size of the door, I found I must have stooped much lower if I had resolved on finding admittance for my work. I wrote at once to the Woods and Forests, calling upon them to widen the door for genius, by taking down a portion of the wall: but it will hardly be believed, that though there were, at the time, plenty of workmen about the building, no answer was returned to my request. Alas! it is all very well to sing, as they do in Der Frieschutz, "Through the Woods and through the Forests," but towards me the Woods and Forests proved themselves utterly impenetrable.

It will be seen that the arch conspirator—for so I must continue to call him, though he could not be got into the archway—has placed his hat upon the ground, a little point in which I have blended imagination with history, and both with convenience. The imagination suggests that such a villain ought not to wear his hat; history does not say that he did, which is as much as to hint that he didn't; while convenience coming to the aid of both, renders it necessary for his hat to lie upon the ground, for if I had tried to place it on his head, there would have been no room for it. There was one gratifying circumstance connected with this cartoon which, in spite of my being charged with vanity, I must repeat. As it was carried through the streets it seemed to be generally understood and appreciated, every one, even children, exclaiming as it passed, "Oh! there's a Guy!"

GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

The Hop Season.
]

1844.] AUGUST.

THE FEAST OF THE GROTTOES.

Surely the antiquity of oysters cannot be doubted; but there is some reason to believe that grottoes are of a more recent origin. There is a grotto of the Cumæan Sybil at Naples; but it does not seem to have been constructed of oyster-shells—though its position near the sea would indicate that shells of some kind were probably used in its construction.

The first oyster ever introduced into this country was probably brought over by Sir Walter Raleigh; who, as he imported cigars, potatoes, and saltpetre, may, probably, have met with oysters in his celebrated journey round the world, and carried over a barrel with him on his return to England; which would surely have been quite as reasonable a piece of luggage as a barrel of gunpowder. This theory is further supported by the well-known proverb, that "he must have been a bold man who first ate an oyster;" and as the courage of Raleigh was never doubted, we may fix upon him with some degree of confidence as the first oyster-eater that this country can boast of. But valour of this kind was never so eminently displayed as in the comparatively recent instance of Dando, who, to the courage of eating oysters to an unlimited extent, added the far greater boldness of declining to pay for them. Dando was, however, "native, and to the manner born" for it. To return to the subject of grottoes: the annual grotto feast is observed by the children of the humbler classes, who, with infantine simplicity, insist on declaring that it is "only once a year" for several days in succession. There is a remnant of feudalism in the mode adopted by some of the bigger boys to obtain possession of the grottoes constructed by weaker children. The former descend in rude and barbarous hordes, beating off the original possessors, and exacting custom from the surrounding neighbourhood. This is in strict conformity with the law of primogeniture; for the elder boys generally "take," as the lawyers say, to the exclusion of the younger.

ODE TO FATHER MATHEW.