Chapter I: Now it came to pass in the first year of the great Rebellion

In the land of Secessia, whose men were men of Belial, hard of heart, and inflamed with exceeding great wrath against the children of the North, and against all people who walked in the way of truth and justice:

Meditating evil from the first mint-julep before breakfast, even unto the last nip of corn whisky before retiring;--

In the isles of the South, and on the firm land, where COTTON was king, and JEFFERSON, whose surname was DAVIS, was his prophet; where BENJAMIN, the finder of stray watches and spoons, and FLOYD, the spoiler, were priests--Oh, my soul, enter thou not into their counsels!--

Lo! it came to pass that there arose a great cry from among the people;

A great and vehement cry, a wailing and roaring as of many of the chivalry when they burn with strong drink at quarter races, or smite with bowie-knives in a free fight around the court-house:

The cry of many women and children, to say nothing of editors, politicians, dirt-eaters, and negro auctioneers:

Saying, 'Lo! these many days have we been closed up by the Yankees, even like unto a pint of Bourbon in an exceedingly tight-corked bottle, so that nothing may go out or in, and who shall say what may be the end thereof?

'Since the blockade presseth sorely upon our ports, the merchandise of many lands cometh not therein, and we are entirely out of groceries.

'Having neither balm nor myrrh, spices nor tea, coffee nor brandy.

'Quinine is not among us, neither have we cheese, shoes, sugar, jack-knives, cigars, patent medicines, glue, tenpenny nails, French gloves, pens or ink, dye-stuffs, nor raisins.

'Clothes are exceeding scarce, for, lo! we are becoming an extremely ragged and seedy generation; our toes stick out through our last year's boots, neither is there any one among us who knoweth enough to make the first principle of a brogan.

'For all these things were made or imported by the Yankees afore-time, even since the days of our fathers, and we are too proud to defile our hands with such base labor.

'Shall we, too, be as dogs cobbling shoes, or as the heathen who sell rat-traps, peddle milk-pails, and keep Thanksgiving?

'Lo! the kings of the earth see us with scorn; those who sit in high places wag their heads, and say we are naught, yea, polluted in our inheritance.

'And the _Times_ will declare that we sit in ashes; even the _Moniteur_ will say that we devour dust, and the _Zeitungs_ of all Germany, even the press of the Philistines, will proclaim that we are utterly fallen.

'Now let there be a long pull, a strong pull, and a pull all together, to settle this business.

'Let there be ambassadors--men of subtle tongue, cunning in counsel--chosen to go forth; yea, let them be equipped in fine raiment, having bran-new coats to confer honor and glory upon us, with secretaries and assistant secretaries, sub-secretaries and deputy-assistant sub-secretaries,--even these having their servants and servants' servants,--lo, the least among them shall have his underling, and so on _ad infinitum_.

'And we, albeit poor, will lavish gold out of the bag, and weigh silver in the balance, and hire a goldsmith, who shall bedeck them exceeding fine, so that the princes and potentates shall fall down before them, yea, shall worship.

'Then, when our great embassy cometh, and the princes inquire of the blockade, lo, our messengers shall laugh and say, "Go to!--it is naught, it hath passed away, and is bosh."'

'"Are we not here, ready to declare the end from the beginning, and from ancient times, even of CALHOUN, the things that are not yet done, saying, 'our counsel shall stand?' Verily, it takes us, and we are the original Jacobs, having no connection with the bogus concern over the way."

'And they shall cotton to us, and we unto them; and we will trade our tobacco for their wines, and _Pro Baccho Tobacco_ shall be written in all the high places.'