Chapter XI (3)

There is a modern story current in America, which is often circumstantially narrated, of some individual wearing a fine beard or 'whiskers,' and who is said to have sold them to a vulgar practical joker, who had one shaved off, but suffered the other to remain for a long time on the face of his victim, annoying him meantime with inquiries as to 'my whisker.' It is the true type of a great number of stories which originated in the Southern and South-Western United States, the point of which almost invariably turns on vexing, grieving, or maltreating some victim, who is an inferior as regards wit, fortune, or physique. It is worth remarking that the only really original and characteristic class of jokes which the slave States originated are strongly marked with that cruelty and vulgarity which naturally attend the morbidly vain and semi-civilized man, who is so unfortunate as to have inferiors by fortune entirely in his power. I would ask the reader in confirmation of this to simply turn over the large collection of 'Georgia Major' and 'Simon Suggs' tales, which, emanating from the South, have contributed so much to brutalize and vulgarize the humorous tendencies of that portion of the more Northern public which reads them.

But to return to the story of the half shaven beard. It also is a very old one, being told in its original form as _Barba deceptus Judaeus_--'The Jew deceived by a beard,' and is as follows:

'A nobleman of Frankfort, while being shaved in a barber's shop,
was summoned by a Jew to whom he owed money. But at the request of
his debtor the Jew consented to forego the arrest until the
nobleman's beard should be shaved. Upon which the latter departed
unshorn, and ever remained so.'

The old story--Jews, Cogots, serfs, negroes--the outwitting, persecuting, and swindling some outlawed class of poor helpless victims, who have been made worse than they should be by oppression. This anecdote--like that of the free lance Conrad--is a sad epitome of the middle ages, and to us of the present day, it rings like a curse on the olden time, in the form of a diabolical jest. It is, however, bitterest of all, to find the oppressed--as in the stories illustrating mere _feudal_ fidelity,--so utterly degraded as to actually take part with their oppressors and with the foes of humanity, against their own rights. So, in this present struggle with that incarnation of evil, and of the old devilish feudal oppression, the Confederate South, we are still pained to find among its adherents men, who, having been socially trampled on in Europe, seek, by sheer force of slavish habit, masters to lord it over them here. There is but one type of man who is more pitiable--it is he who is recreant to the great cause of freedom for the sake of--money!

A brutal and disgraceful jest-story, which stands in close relation to this last, is that of _Detrimentum barbae propter Sanctos_;' or, 'losing a beard for the saints,' which runs as follows:

'A Hebrew contending with a Catholic, affirmed there were more
Jewish saints in Heaven than Christian. It was thereupon agreed
that each should name his saints in turn, and as he named, pluck a
hair from the beard of his adversary.

'Abraham,' said the Jew, and plucked a hair.

'Saint Peter,' said the Christian.

'Isaac.'

'Saint Paul.'

And so they kept up their litanies, until the 'Christian,'
exclaiming: 'Saint Ursula and the Eleven Thousand Virgins!' tore
out the whole beard of the Jew by the roots, to the great laughter
of all standing around.'

It would matter but little, that a fanatical and brutal crowd of the middle ages had laughed at seeing 'only a Jew' disgraced and dripping with blood, to point a scurvy jest. But, I confess that it struck me as singular, when I once found this story in a memoir, set down as having been narrated by an eminent Christian philosopher (now not long dead), as a capital thing. Granting its humor, is it worth while to inquire if he would have enjoyed it as much, had the Jew torn out the beard of the Christian in the name of the thousands who had been martyred for the faith of Israel?

The jokes of the middle ages on the subject of the beard, were numerous--it was a favorite ornament, as we may judge from the fact that Eberhard, the far-famed old warlike duke, sung in more than one poem by Uhland, is always spoken of in the old stories, as _noster princeps barbatus_, 'our bearded prince,' or, more familiarly, simply as 'our bearded one.' One of the table problems of the day was, '_Potestne probari mulierem quandam habuisse barbam?_'--'Can it be proved that any woman ever had a beard?' The answer to which, was, 'Yes--when Judith bore the head of Holofernes.' It was singular that such a question could have been agitated, when the legends of the saints contained the story of the bearded saintess of the Tyrol--a converted ballet-dancer, who was thus rendered hideous in accordance with her prayer, that she might be made so repulsive as to frighten away all lovers. And yet Mr. Barnum's Bearded Lady had a husband!

Jokes ridiculing red beards and heads were common in the old time; probably because a popular tradition declared that Judas, 'the arch rascal,' was so marked by nature. The anecdote of the good clergyman who never laughed but once in church, and that was, when he saw a youth trying to light a cigar, or warm his hands at a certain ruddy poll, finds its prototype in one of the old Latin stories:

'Our country people are wont to say, when they see a red-headed
man; 'he would make a bad chimney-sweeper.' And when the reason is
asked, they say: 'when his head came out of the chimney the country
folks would think it was fire, and would ring the bells, assemble
from every direction, and cause all the riot and trouble incident
to a conflagration.'

It is worth noting in this connection, that the prejudice against red hair is rapidly being forgotten among cultivated persons, and is far from being what it was within the memory of man. The vulgar, who are the last to abandon an absurdity, still retain a few jokes on the subject; but these will probably be as unintelligible in time, as would be the jests of the middle ages on the _rufa tunica_, or red frock. The boorishness and cruelty of 'the good old times,' are strongly reflected in the following, which a scholar of the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries was not ashamed to record of himself:

'When lately during Lent, in the year 1506, we had several guests,
among them a rustic from Weilsberg, who wore a long red beard. I
asked him why he did so? and he replied, 'out of grief for the
death of his father-in-law.' To which I replied: 'All wrong, for
red is a color suited to rejoicing'--at which remark all the guests
present began to laugh immoderately. But he with his rustic
simplicity, being made ashamed, answered: 'Yes, sir--that is very
true, and yet I assure you that I feel as sorrowful in this red
beard as any other man does in his black one.'

The man who does not--though three and a half centuries lie between--sympathize with the sad, honest simplicity of the poor red-bearded mourner, must be as gross and heartless as was the narrator of the incident. It gives one, indeed, strange subject for reflection, to pause among these old trifles of a by-gone day; jotted down for passing time in a rude age, and yet preserved so clearly, cut and freshly colored in the modern time! Conrad Buehel, the free lance, and his enemy--the red-bearded mourner, the Baron von Stoeffel and his praetor, with the simple minded thief, and timid priests, and the genial but coarse scholar, Bebelius himself, were all real men in their day, who might have passed away without the slightest link to bind their names or natures to an after age--and now they live in a jest! Still they live--and it may be that when the page which you now peruse, O reader, shall be as old as the yellow leaves of the sixteenth century volume now before me, some one may revive them again. It is something to be near a scholar now and then, for no one knows who once crosses his path, but that he too may be noted down, to be borne by an anecdote across stormy centuries, into ages all unlike our own. No man ever yet died out of a printed book.

Many a happy thought dashed off by a modern writer, is only the adroit plagiarism of an old joke, 'But oh, the Latin!' says Heinrich Heine, in describing his boyish sorrows to a lady--'Madame, you can really have no idea of what a mess it is. The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world, if they had been first obliged to learn Latin. Lucky dogs! they already knew in their cradles the nouns ending in _im_.' This is a very adroit theft from the _Epistolarum Obscurorum Virorum_, attributed to Von Huetten and others, in which a stupid monk, having argued with Erasmus, writes as follows to his master:

'Then our host, who is a good scholar, began to talk of poetry, and
greatly praised JULIUS CAESAR in his writings and deeds. Now when I
heard this I was specially delighted that I had read so much, and
that I had heard you lecture on poetry in Cologne, and I said:
'Since you speak of poetry, I can no longer keep quiet, and I tell
you plainly that I do not believe that CAESAR wrote those
commentaries; and I strengthened my assertion with this argument:
'He who has his business in war and in constant labors, cannot
learn Latin. Now, CAESAR was always in wars or in great toils,
therefore he could not be erudite, or learn Latin.' I think,
however, that SUETONIUS wrote those Commentaries, for I never saw
any writer whose style so much resembles that of CAESAR, as does
that of SUETONIUS.'

Who has not heard the story of the hackney coachman, who, at the end of the day, was wont to divide his gains into 'half for master and half for me,' when the whole should have been given to the proprietor? Or of the American public functionary, who said that his annual gains were 'one thousand dollars salary, besides the cheatage and stealage?' Both seem to me to be foreshadowed in the following '_Sacerdotis jocus non illepidus_';

'A certain priest named FYSILINUS who begged for a convent of Saint
Sebastian, being asked what his annual salary was, replied: 'Twenty
gold crowns!' 'Little enough!' answered the other. To which
FYSILINUS replied: 'Various, however, are the emoluments of
mortals; for I have also what is given to me, and what I steal. And
very good is Saint Sebastian, who, whatever division I make with
him, is always silent and contented.'

It is worth noting that this story and thousands which bore much more severely on the priests, were current for centuries before the Reformation. There were many anecdotes of this priest, all to his discredit, many of which were attributed, at a later day, to other unworthy monks. Among these, a very dull one is interesting, as connecting him with Eberhard, 'our bearded prince,' already referred to. Having begged of this truly noble man a benefice, Eberhard, who was aware of his character, replied: 'If I had a thousand vacant, you should not have the least of them.'--'_Si mille, inquit, mihi beneficia, ego minimum tibi non conferrem._' To which Fysilinus impudently replied: 'And if I should hold divine service a thousand times, I would never bear you in mind, nor pray once for your salvation.'

I have attempted in the foregoing remarks to set forth, or rather illustrate, the manner in which modern jests have flown directly or indirectly, from those of earlier generations; and have, in so doing, called attention to a rare and curious class of humorous books, which have been but little cited for more than two centuries. The principal point which I would most gladly make clear, is the fact that in literature and the history of culture, there are two classes of critics: the ultra-modern and the ultra-conservative, both of whom are in the wrong. The one cries that every flash of genius is new, and that an old jest is an old abomination--the other vows that there is nothing new under the sun, and that every good story is hidden away, in all its excellence, somewhere in the storehouse of the past. Examination is, however, like Pietro D'Abano, always a _Conciliator_. We find the original _thema_ in the past, often reduced to the careless illustration of some principle or characteristic common to all humanity; but when we follow it down to the present, it becomes varied, improved, and enlarged into whole groups and families of new anecdotes, poems, jests, or proverbs; any single member of which is, perhaps, better than the original.

The history of jests can, in turn, be made to furnish an extremely vivid and curious history of the social conditions of men, and their changes from the earliest ages--not to be surpassed in value by that of any other peculiarities. In nothing is a man so much himself as in his humor.

FOOTNOTES:

[Footnote 4: Erneuerte und vermehrte Lustige Gesellschaft (_Comes facundus in via pro vehiculo_), von JOHANN PETRO DE MEMEL, Zippelzerbst im Droembling. Im Jahr, 1657.]

[Footnote 5: _Facetiarum_ HENRICI BEBELII, Poetae. Tuebingen, A.D., 1542. Date of Preface, 1506.]

[Footnote 6: Peter Cunningham's last Book, p. 45.]

[Footnote 7: _Hortuli amoeni, viridis et elegantis floribus Historicis et Poeticis_, &c. BALTHASARI SCHNURII. Rotenburg. 1637.]

[Footnote 8: _Democritus Ridens: sive Narrationum Ridicularum Centuria._ _Selecta_ JOHANNI PETRO LANGIO. _Ulmae, anno 1667._]

LITERARY NOTICES.

An historical research, respecting the Opinions of the Founders of
the Republic on Negroes as Slaves, as Citizens, and as Soldiers.
Read before the Massachusetts Historical Society, August 14, 1862.
By GEORGE LIVERMORE. Boston: John Wilson & Son. 1862.

Within the past two years we have met with two pamphlets referring to the negro question during the days of the Revolution--the one being a reprint with comments of the celebrated Laurens letter,[9] the other containing information as to the part taken by blacks in the struggle.[10] We inferred from these works that much remained to be told, and find our surmise verified by an examination of the neatly printed octavo of 215 pages, now before us, in which is given a mass of information, fully establishing the fact that the negro played no mean part in the army of the Revolution, and, we may add, suggesting the reflection that he may only need proper encouragement to do as much, again, unless he should have strangely deteriorated from the original stock of his ancestry. Such a work as this, thorough and full of plain facts, telling their own story, was greatly needed, and we congratulate all who are interested in the future of this country on its appearance. Published under the auspices of the Massachusetts Historical Society, and warmly approved by EDWARD EVERETT and the venerable JOSIAH QUINCY, the work in question possesses, of course, the highest claim to consideration as a well written and perfectly digested _resume_ of its subject. It is curious to observe, from its documentary proofs, how fully the slave-holding arguments of the present day were once negatived by the experience of the past; and it is almost bitterly amusing that men can learn so little from experience, and that in one generation the dense clouds of ignorance should gather so thickly over a subject of the most vital importance to the country.

From this work we may learn that 'no language of radical reformers in recent times surpasses in severity the honest utterances' of the first men of the Revolution on the subject of slavery. It is worth knowing what Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, Laurens, Pinckney, Randolph, Sherman, and a host of others said--to realize that slavery was regarded by them as a curse; and it is grievous to learn that 'circumstances,' local feuds, and bewildering side-issues should have interfered to prevent 'abolition' at a time when it might have been safely carried out. The vast amount of historical research on this subject, and its results, are well set forth by Mr. Livermore; and had his work been limited to these chapters alone, it should have won him a distinguished place among those who have cast a light as of life upon the obscure difficulties which now beset the great question. More encouraging and extremely interesting is that second portion of the work which gives the opinions of the founders of the republic respecting negroes as soldiers, and facts establishing their military ability. That the first fight of the Revolution should have been led by a negro, who was its first martyr, is of itself deeply significant: so is the fact that the most remarkable incident at Bunker Hill--the death of Pitcairn--was due to the bullet of a brave black soldier. With the exception of the two Tory States, Georgia and South Carolina, blacks, _slave_ blacks, were enlisted from all the States in great numbers, and fought well. It is remarkable that in the beginning the same absurd objections to employing them were raised as those which still abound in our 'Democratic' press; and it was not, indeed, until forced by stern experience and dire need, that 'the States' found out the folly of their prejudice.

All of these data in the history of slavery, and with them several of minor importance, are remarkably well set forth in the present volume, which may fairly claim to be the first work on the subject ever published--the 'Historical Notes' already referred to having been suggested, as we are told, by Mr. Livermore himself, and forming an _avant courier_ to the 'Historical Research.' It is needless to say that we commend it with our whole heart to all who would study the question of negro slavery from the beginning in this republic, and know, what few do, the extent and importance of the early troubles on the subject, or settle for themselves the greatly vexed question whether negroes, when treated as men, will or will not fight. It is all there.

LIKE AND UNLIKE. By A. S. ROE. New York: Carleton. Boston: A. K.
Loring.

Mr. Roe's novels are of the manufactured kind. Like those of many others who are in the business, they give the impression that they are easily written, and might possibly be turned out by a machine, had invention progressed a little farther than it has. Still his _pieces de manufacture_ are very good of their kind, and sell very well--like the moral romances in China, which are disposed of by weight and in fragments, in such vast quantities, and which are so entirely a matter of mere pastime that the authors never think it worth while to affix their names to them. _Like and Unlike_ may be safely intrusted by the most fastidious aunt to the most unsophisticated of nieces--and it is not unlikely that the niece would greatly enjoy its perusal. It is by no means devoid of interest, and indicates in many particulars that familiarity with the press which preserves any work of its nature--so far as style is concerned--from harsh judgment. There are better books--but certainly there are thousands which are much worse.

TITAN. From the German of JEAN PAUL FRIEDRICH RICHTER, by CHARLES
T. BROOKS. Boston: Ticknor & Fields. 1863.

To many men JEAN PAUL has always been the greatest of German writers, however they might protest their preference for some other idol. CARLYLE knows and names GOETHE as the intellectual culmination of the past age--and yet shows in every sentence the influence of The Only One, with very barren traces indeed of The Old Heathen; reminding us of those devotees who profess a faith in GOD, but manifest it in the worship of some congenial saint. At the present day, Richter, instead of being overrated, is neglected. Already thirty years ago HAUFF bewailed that his works were not taken from public libraries; and yet it is as true as ever that he is, if not the greatest of German writers, at least the most German among the great ones of his fatherland. And it is here that the drawback lies--he carried to such excess all the peculiarities of his very peculiar country, and was a giant of grotesqueness. No one can really know German literature who knows not Jean Paul.

The work before us is Richter's masterpiece, which cost him ten years of labor. We could sum up of his other writings some thousand or two of pages which we read with more pleasure; yet still commend 'Titan' as the best beginning and ending for those who intend to go through all of Richter's writings. It is a romance _sui generis_--in the world, and yet most unworldly--full of unusual characters set forth in more unusual language--refreshing and delightful to the initiate, and most wearisome to commonplace minds. As regards the merit of the translation, we can only say that, having compared the first hundred pages with the original, we find them admirably and accurately rendered, and presume, of course, that the remainder is equally excellent. Will not Mr. Brooks at some future time give us a translation of Richter's _Vorschule der AEsthetik_, a work sadly needed by some of our art-critics?

LINES LEFT OUT; or, Some of the Histories left out in 'Line upon
Line.' New York: Harper & Brothers. 1863.

A juvenile work with an extremely awkward title; 'Line upon Line' having been a collection of Bible stories, adapted to the capacity of children, of which book the present volume is a continuation. While we credit the author for the best intentions, we must, however, suggest that it would have been better in every instance had the original text been given as well as the paraphrase, unless, indeed, it be assumed that the Bible is unfit for children to read, or above their comprehension.

FOOTNOTES:

[Footnote 9: A South Carolina Protest againt Slavery. New York: G.P. Putnam. 1861.]

[Footnote 10: Historical Notes on the Employment of Negroes in the American Army of the Revolution. By GEORGE H. MOORE. New York: Charles T. Evans. _Vide_ also THE CONTINENTAL MONTHLY, May, p. 324, vol. i.]

EDITOR'S TABLE.

Another month of these most eventful times has passed by with mingled good and evil fortune, and we still find 'that great mystery, the American Republic,' strong and in good hope, careering in headlong speed, with accelerated motion, adown the great torrent of history. It is natural enough--yet it is still most unreasonable--that there should be so many who believe that every eddy and whirl should be its death-struggle or its final dart into the deep calm sea of safety. With every battle lost or won there are thousands who despair or exult--forgetting that, come what may, the cause of human progress is _never backward_, and that we might as soon hope to recall the middle ages as build up into prosperity the 'patriarchal' old slave South.

Every rebel's slave is free. Free on paper, if you will--theoretically free; but is _that_ nothing? How many years will slavery, or the Southern system in its integrity, exist side by side with a rapidly growing free country no longer recognizing the existence of 'the institution?' How many months, in fact, _when_ we shall have and hold--as we are absolutely determined to do--the whole west bank of the Mississippi and the confederate ports; which, by the way, _should_ have all been secured at the outset at _any cost_? Let us win or lose in the field, we shall still, thanks to our fleet, hem them in. And will not _that_, with mere waiting, prove a complete victory? Whatever financial crises may be before the North, it will ever possess, in spite of the most terrible sufferings, its enormous recuperative power, and its old ability for hard work. But how is the exhausted, ruined South to arise, save through Northern aid? Will its poor whites labor in factories? They are expected to form a permanent standing army. The negroes? The day of slavery is passing away rapidly. Let the South gain battles, if it will--they are only defeats in disguise; and in the long run it will be found that God willed this war to be long and bitter, that by it the last stronghold of the wrongs of man might be the more thoroughly exhausted.

* * * * *

THE GOLDEN ROD.

Upon the waves that rise and die
Along the banks of Severn's river,
Amidst the blue of broken sky,
I saw thy half-drawn image quiver
In changing gleams of golden light,
Now broadly spread, now vanished quite.

Late Golden Rod! in thought I deem
I still shall find thee swaying there,
As if some naiad of the stream
Gave to the wind her yellow hair,
Or, leaning o'er the margin, sought
The restless shape the waters wrought.

Though swaying, yet in quietude,
Thy beauty touched my very soul,
Like the calm eye of womanhood,
In stillness keeping all control.
And lo! as under sudden spell,
Thy presence shadowed all the dell.

The valley took October's crown,
I found thy glory still the same;
The sumach flung his red leaves down,
And lit his winter crest of flame;
The early elm and maple gave
Their burden to the patient wave.

I sought thee in the later year,
I sought, but found thee there no more;
Only a rigid stalk and sere
A withered head in silence bore,
Or swung, responsive to the sigh
Of the stray wind that passed it by.

Now Severn's banks in snow are still,
And Severn's stream is hushed and pale;
The sun shines on the whitened hill,
And glows like summer in the dale;
And yet I come, and half in gloom
And half in joy recall thy bloom.

* * * * *

Reader--do you want

SOMETHING NEW FOR DINNER?

It is not necessary to refer to a cook book to know what an excellent fish is the sheep's-head; you may find it in Noah Webster's large dictionary, where it is described as "the Sargus Ovis of Mitchell; esteemed delicious food"; or, you can find it in market.

Mr. Withers was married to a lovely young lady who once worked an entire piano cover with worsted. They had commenced housekeeping but a few months, when one morning the husband informed his wife that he should invite a friend to dine with him that day.

Mrs. Withers was in despair at this announcement, but she smiled and hid her grief; or at least her grief, in the shape of a Celtic cook, was at that time not to be seen, being employed in the kitchen, where she had invited two of her friends to "come in and ate."

Mr. Withers went down town; his wife then gave directions to the cook, Biddy O'Shaughshenny by name, to buy a sheep's-head, beef, game, and so forth.

'By the way, Bridget, have you ever cooked a sheep's-head before?'

'A shape's hid is it? Then I'm thinking, ma'am, I've cooked the likes of them minny a time and oft in the owld counthry when I bided with Mister Maginnis the grate counsillor in Dublin. I did.'

This was sufficient: Mrs. Withers was relieved of all care, and soon wended her way out shopping and making calls, until nearly the dinner hour. Home came Mr. Withers and friend, an Englishman by the name of Molesworth, with keen appetites. The dinner was served; oysters and soup finished, the waiter brought on a large dish covered.

'Ha, what have we here?' asked Withers, the husband.

'Something new, my dear,' answered Withers, the wife. 'I knew they were in season, and I ordered it for a surprise.'

Withers lifted the cover!

There WAS a sheep's head--with horns on.

However a Sheep's Head is like a turbot--for a turbot--according to Albert Smith's account of the Frenchman learning English--is not unlike a _tire-botte_ (or a boot-jack) which _has_ horns. Is'nt _that_ a frantic conciliation of differences, and one which might have done honor to Petrus d'Abano, the Conciliator, himself?

* * * * *

There are many conscientious men whose consciences tear at the first pull--as is shown 'in the subsequent:'

CONSCIENTIOUS.

DEAR CONTINENTAL: Perhaps the following incident will cause a smile to ripple the good-natured features of some of your readers:--In the county of M----, the Draft Commissioner held an extra appeal for the 'conscientious men.' Now, in said county, there dwelt one Barney Mullen, who, not being exempted at the first appeal, on 'non-citizenship' grounds, was in 'great tribulation' in regard to the approaching draft. Some wag persuaded him to attend the second 'hearing,' telling him to swear that he was conscientious, and he would get his exemption papers. So Barney was at hand at the 'appointed time and place,' At last, 'it came to pass' that he got a hearing, and the Commissioner asked him what he had to say for himself.

'Shure, it's consyintious I am, an' exempted I want to be.'

The Commissioner had not forgotten Barney, so, to humor his whim, asked him if he would take the affidavit, having first read that paper to him.

'Afther David, the divil! It's me exemption papers I'm afther,' he replied.

'Have you conscientious scruples against fighting?' asked the Commissioner.

'Och, it's the schrupils an' dhrams both I have. I get 'em bad, too, yer honor.'

'Well, Barney,' said 'his honor'--putting the same question to him that he asked all others who offered the conscientious plea (and who always gave an affirmative answer)--'if your wife was being murdered, would you stand by a silent spectator?'

'Divil a silent spectator! D'yees take me fer a haythen? Be the howly! show me the scallywag that would harrum a hair o' the ole 'oman's hid, an' I'd give him sich a pelt on the gob, that he would think he'd got forninst a horse's hoof!'

'Then we can't exempt you, Mr. Mullen.'

'Mither ov Moses!' exclaimed Barney, as he left the room, 'not exempt a man because he wouldn't shtand by an' see the 'ole 'oman murdered!'

* * * * *

We are indebted to a friend--who is requested to call again--for the following from

PHILADELPHIA, Nov. 1862.

DEAR CONTINENTAL:

Did you ever study the language of signs?

I have--and a queer language it is. It is divided into two great families.

The first is of street signs.

The second of signs manual, optical, and otherwise by gesture sign-ificant.

An excellent illustration of this latter class was witnessed lately in a police court of this city. I give it as narrated to me by a friend.

A deaf mute, whose banged and battered face spoke for itself, lately appeared before a local magistrate to complain of the sufferings inflicted upon him by certain iniquitarians to ye court unknown.

'He's deaf and dumb as a nadder, your honor,' remarked the solemn policeman who introduced the silent man. 'But he kin tell his story bully.'

And he did.

Striking an attitude the dumb one pointed to his bruises, and then struck out one, two and three _a la_ Heenan, to signify that his sorrows had been caused by a pugilistic attack.

The court nodded its perfect comprehension of the business thus far.

Raising the two fingers of his left hand, the mute bowed them up and down, so that they seemed to be human beings with solidified legs, making salaams to the court.

The court nodded.

Then the two fingers precipitated themselves fiercely against the forefinger of the right hand, which at once fell down, and was danced upon and bumped in a variety of ways by the inhuman digits of the sinister party.

The court nodded. It understood that the dumb man had been attacked by two persons.

But who were the two?

Elevating the forefinger of the left hand, the plaintiff first pointed to its face--or the place most suggestive of one, and then pressed his own nose flat.

The court nodded. One of the assaulters had been flat-nosed.

'A nigger, your honor!' exclaimed the constable in breathless admiration.

Raising the second finger the dumb man after a second crossed his two forefingers, and made upon his breast the sign of the cross. It was catholically done.

The court nodded.

'An Irishman, your honor!' exclaimed the constable, who like the complainant argued very promptly from religion to nationality. An Irishman and a nigger--and I'll find out in ten minutes all about it.'

And he did--a warrant was issued, and the guilty men punished.

"Thus he by gestes made knowne hys sufferance."

Yours devoted,
JOT.

* * * * *

IN THE BATTLE.

The drums are beat, the trumpets blow,
The black-mouthed cannon bay the foe,
Dark bristling o'er each murky height,
And all the field is whirled in fight.

The long life in the drowsy tent
Fades from me like a vision spent;--
I stand upon the battle's marge,
And watch the smoking squadron's charge.

Behold one starry banner reel
With that wild shock of steel on steel;
And ringing up by rock and tree
At last the cry that summons me.

I hear it in my vibrant soul,
Deep thundering back its counter roll;
And all life's ore seems newly wrought
In the white furnace of my thought.

No dream that made my days divine
But flashes back some mystic sign;
And every shape that erst was bright
Sweeps by me garmented in light.

High legends of immortal praise,
Brows of world heroes bound with bays,
The crowned majesties of Time
Rise visioned on my soul sublime.

Dear living lips of love and prayer
Come chanting through the blackened air;
And eyes look out of marble tombs,
And hands are waved from churchyard glooms.

"Charge! charge!" at last the captain's cry!
We pant, we speed, we leap, we fly;
I feel my lifting feet aspire,
As I were born of wind and fire!

On! on! where wild the battle swims,
On! on! no shade my vision dims;
Transcendent o'er yon smoky wreath,
I see the glory of great Death!

Come flashing blade, and hissing ball!
I give my blood, my breath, my all,
So that on yonder rocking height
The stars and stripes may wave to-night!

* * * * *

Our Art writer is awakened. Listen to him.

DEAR CONTINENTAL: You were kind enough to inform me that you would be much obliged if I would let you know if there was anything stirring in the world of Art.

The last thing which stirred in my world--I mean in my workshop in the Studio Building--was a German of the carpenter persuasion. At least he had a side pocket, and folding two-feet rule, with a shaving on his left curl.

'Bees you a poor-trait bainter?' he inquired.

'Truly I am!' I replied.

'I wants you to baint de likeness to my fader.'

'With pleasure. Bring him here.'

'Yas--see now, dat is not bossiple. He lies geburied in the purying crount in Stuttgart in Shermany.'

'Well, have you a photograph of him?'

'_Nichtss_ photograb.'

'Or a bust?'

_Nichts_ pust.'

'Or a drawing?'

'_Nichts_ trawing.'

'Or an engraving?'

'_Nichts_ craving.'

'Well, then--what have you got?'

'I got _dis_ dings.'

Saying this, he brought forth a small book, greatly worn, which he slowly opened, and unfolded from it a broad leaf, adorned with German emblems, and cragged pot-hook inscriptions which looked like lager-bier signs.

'What is that?'

'Dis is mein fader's passport. Look ant readt! Plue eyes, proun hair, round _kinn_, pig mouf--und all dat, so fort. He hafe a goot deal of exbression like mine.'

(Where this latter could have been I could not imagine.)

'Yas--und he wear a plue gote.'

'Oh--a _goatee_, I suppose, on his chin?'

'No. It was a plue gote on his pack. He hafe a peard like mein, und look like mein. Put mein fader was a more older man dan me.'

'Ah, indeed!'

'Yas. Baint him mit a piple on a taple, und mit a girl on his hands.'

'_What!!_'

'Yas--mine leetle daughter. I prings her here to be colored.'

It was a bold thing to do; but on this small capital I went to work, and succeeded. At least, Jacobus Kirchelheimer said so--and _he_ ought to know, for he was a first-rate fellow, and sent me over and above the price agreed upon, a dozen bottles of Rudesheimer. A suspicion seemed indeed to haunt his mind that the portrait resembled himself much more than it did the late Herr Kirchelheimer, _pere_,--but he speedily found comfort in the following reflection:

'Ven I kits to be more older it will do shoost as goot for mine bicture as for de old one.'

It wasn't very self-flattering--that of hoping to resemble the Old One; but I said nothing. And no more at present from

Yours truly,
POPPY OYLE.

* * * * *

JAMES BUCHANAN--not satisfied with hoping for the parings of a nomination to the Senate after having eaten the Presidential apple, has pushed his impudence so far as to attempt to vindicate FLOYD from the charge of stealing, although the theft was by FLOYD self-confessed and gloried in. This is proving more than the record. What will FLOYD say for BUCHANAN?

The Raven said: 'Of birds I know,
The very whitest is the Crow.'

The Crow declared: 'While birds endure,
The Raven will be whitest, sure!'

The Raven said: 'I do believe
The Crow knows not what 'tis to thieve.'

The Crow inquired: 'Who ever heard
The Raven was a stealing bird?

'He calls himself a thief, I know,
But I can prove it is not so.'

The Raven swore by wet and dry,
The Crow was never known to lie.

The Crow swore out by hot and cold,
The Raven's word was good as gold.

The Crow flew o'er an old oak tree;
'Caw me,' he croaked, '_and I'll caw thee_.'

It is an old story, and one which will last while rogues endure--be they broken-down politicians, craving, like Buchanan, a little more paltry notoriety, or any other variety of the great family of the Dishonest. And they will go their way adown the road of time and into history, properly brandmarked. The truth ever comes to light.

'And that isn't all--either.' For even as we write, the following is handed us by a friend:

Take, oh, take his pen away,
That so feebly runs on paper;
Keep him quiet, or he'll play
Other trait'rous prank and caper.
Why apologize for treason,
Or for stealing give a reason?

Hide, oh, hide his pens and ink;
Try to keep him silent: do!
Would you let him lower sink,
He'd defend the Devil too.
Keep him silent, let him be:
He has _not_ escaped Scott-free.

Not he--nor the opinion of the whole world, either. There--let him go--_his_ place in the future is at any rate decided on. And yet the vindicator of Floyd intends, we are told, to vindicate himself!

* * * * *

A late 'horrible and agonizing execution' of two murderers in cultivated and Christian England was witnessed by one hundred thousand people!--according to the London _Times_. In the first-class English journals a large space is always devoted to police reports, in which the vilest and most vulgar criminal cases are always given in full detail, to gratify the almost universal British craving for filth and cruelty. A drunken vagabond cannot maim his wife but all England must know all about it. Let it be borne in mind that while English writers are never weary of speaking of the blackguardism of the American press, nine tenths of our journals abandoned many years ago the abominable practice of regularly publishing police cases; and that, making every allowance, English newspapers at present publish on an average ten times as much demoralizing matter as the American.

* * * * *

We clip the following from the Boston _Post_:

'Speaking of the heathen names reminds the London Athenaeum of what
M. Salverte says with respect to that fairest of the heroines in
that poem for all spring time, "Lalla Rookh." Everybody, in his
happy turn, has been in love with that lady of the peerless
enchantments: perhaps they will be taken a little aback when they
hear that before the lord of the East gave her the name of
Nourmahal, 'Light of the Harem,' or, in the later excess of his
love, Nourdjihan, 'Light of the World,' she was known to her family
and friends as Mher-ul-Nica, or, in equivalent Saxon, the
'Strapping Wench;' and that this 'tallest of women,' of whom it is
said her lover, Djihanguyr,

----preferred in his heart the least ringlet that curl'd
Down her exquisite neck, to the throne of the world,

only became the light of his harem by the process of cutting the
throat of her first husband. If this annotation, to be made in all
copies of the poem, do not wring all charm out of the names by
which the poet's lady is known to fame, then fiction again will
prove stronger than fact.'

'And _that_ isn't all, either.' For _Noor-Mahal_, albeit conventionally used as Light of the Harem, _does_ mean Light of the Workshop in Arabic. We shouldn't in the least wonder if the lady in question, in her earlier and better-behaved days, had been chief engineer of a sewing machine at two shillings a day. However, we set that down to her credit side.

* * * * *

READER--you have travelled? If so, did you ever suffer from too much landlord?

The last time we were at Mackinaw, we had our boots blackened, our clothes 'swept,' and our cigars diminished by a very funny halfbreed named Pierre, and noticed that when more cigars than usual were taken, we were always sure of receiving an extra amount of attention from him in the way of sweeping, brushing, and small talk.

'Mossu, how you lak Detroit?'

'I like it very well.'

'Zat fust-rate 'otel, ze Fiddle House; ze landlord he maks var' big fuss over ze grand persons as come zere--var' big fuss. Mamselle GRANDROSE she var splendid danseuse, she 'ave ze grande attentions: Madame COLSON she grande _chanteuse_ 'ave ze grand care. Ah, bote zere comes zere oncet ze MARQUIS DE CHOUXFLEURS, zen you should see zat landlord; he bows and he smiles, and he rons round all ze time, viz, 'Musshoe ze Markiss, vat you lak for to eat, for to drink, for to sleeps? can I do somesings fore you. At lass ze Marquis he call for his bill, and he goes for to leave ze hotel. Zen ze landlord he comes to ze door, and he bows, and he smiles, and he robs his hands togezzer, and says he:

'Musshoe ze Markiss, _bone voyyaidge_;' (you see he spiks ze French var' bad;) 'I hope you have been satisfy wiz my ho-tel?'

Zen ze Marquis smiles var' moch pleasaunt, and viz ze air off grand seigneur he lokes down on ze landlord and spiks slowlee:

'Ze eat is var' good, ze sleep is not so var' bad, bote I 'ave notice one sing--zere is entairely TOO MOCHE LANDLORD!'

In American hotels, as strangers declare, unless one be acquainted, the complaint is apt to be of too _little_ landlord. Then--oh, _then_, 'all goes as it does with a divinity in France,' as the European proverb hath it--that is to say, very Paradisiacally indeed. Which reminds us of a letter on the coming of the Millennium, from a friend who declares it to be his conviction that those who are afraid of the immediate realization of this consummation devoutly to be wished for, may lay aside their apprehensions, since it is evident that nothing of the kind is to come off _this_ year at least.

'Of which, dear CONTINENTAL friend, there can be no doubt, albeit there may be somewhat pity. For I have lang syne awaited a millennium and a golden age, and, when FERNANDO WOOD was kicked out of the mayoralty into Coventry, hailed it as the beginning. Now, however, the old serpent lifts his head--Fernando has gone to Congress, and the devil is let loose again for a little season--to give seasoning by his sin to the great sea of gruel of excessive virtue with which the world is inundated. Oh for the wings of a dove, to be 'out of this'--cut loose from all such 'carryin's on,' and fairly calm in some silent Lubberland or Atlantis fairy realm of peace!

'Where, with glasses ever clinking,
The gentles, ever drinking
To their lady loves in winking,
Cry aloud _in jubilo_;
And the jolly plump old president
Calls out to every resident,
And, when they answer, says he meant
To pledge _in gaudio_:

'Where the bells all day are ringing,
Where the world is ever singing,
And the roasted ducks fly winging
Their way into your mouth:
Where doors are never banging,
Where tongues are never clanging,
Where the peach and grape while hanging
Turn _all_ sides toward the south:

'Where you find no foolish fussing,
Where you hear no oaths or cussing,
Where the babies need no nussing,
But in smiles or sleep are found:
Where they all own herds and flockses,
Where we get in no 'bad boxes,'
And where all the paradoxes
Are made straight, or else come round.

'O land so sweet and sunny!
O land of milk and money!
O land of peach and honey!
O land withouten peer!
O land of good society!
O land of great variety!
And genial sobriety,
Oh, would that thou wert here!

'Or that I were 'over yonder!'
Free to rest and free to ponder,
Free to print, and free to wander
'Mid the maidens short and tall!
On 'the other side of Jordan,'
Where all is tuned accordin'
'To your leastest wish, my lord,' in
Every matter, great and small!

'Knowest thou, O Editor LELAND, of aught such, _where the board is cheap_? Answer, I pray ye, forthwith. _Sono stancato._'

Not we. When we hear of it, O friend, we will take passage for two--by the first boat.

* * * * *

A FRIEND communicates to us the following:

'PLATO, I think, PYTHAGORAS, I guess, and FO-HI, as I suppose--to judge from his eight KUA--believed that all knowledge was capable of mathematical representation.

'I don't know Miss Brown,' quoth a lady lately, in my hearing, 'she isn't in my Circle.'

'And I don't know her,' added Miss Black, 'for she doesn't live in my Square--and I never visit out of it.'

Dr. HOLMES has, however, declared that a person may be known by Triangulating the descent from the grandfather down.

From all of which I should judge that to mathematically set forth the knowledge of any person, it would be necessary to draw that slightly paradoxical figure popularly described as a triangular square with round corners!

Q.E.D.

* * * * *

Yes--we think we see it. Square--corner--tri--Here, Thomas--carry it off and have it set up. It's all right, we suppose. Somebody will find it out, at any rate. Let us continue by singing the following genial 'Soldier's Song,' which hath the good ring of the good old time, and which has just come to hand:

* * * * *

SOLDATENLIED.

The wide world is the soldier's home,
His comrades are his kin;
His palace-roof the welkin dome,
The drum his mandolin.
He gives to air
All thought of care,
And trolls his serenade
To fiery Mars,
The king of stars,
That never love betrayed.

The banner is the soldier's bride,
The love of bold and brave;
His wedding feast, the battle tide;
His marriage bed, the grave.
Where bullets sing,
Death's leaden wing,
Light as a dancing feather,
When hero falls,
To glory's halls,
Wafts life and love together.

* * * * *

A teacher of the truly 'genial' stamp--that is to say one who takes delight, in exercising his or her genius, and in awakening that of the pupil is, we fear, a rarity; as much even in Art, as in any other branch of education. We believe, however, that we may claim as an exception Mrs. ELIZA GREATORIX of this city, whom we believe to be honestly and earnestly interested in her calling as an instructor in drawing, and one who endeavors to make Art 'a living language by educating the eye through the intelligence.' The method which she pursues is that of drawing from objects, beginning with Harding's series of blocks, and thereby accustoming both eye and hand to greater accuracy than can be acquired from copying the usual plane surface pictures, which in most cases makes of the pupil a mere facsimilist. Mrs. GREATORIX may be found at Studio 12, No. 204, Fifth Avenue.

* * * * *

A WORD FOR THE TIMES.

There ne'er was harm in anything,
But it came by misgoverning:
For one word of evil guiding
May lose a kingdom or a king!
A sound truth this which all can feel
From the romance of Sir Greye Stele.
Ye rulers all who bear the bell,
Weigh it, I pray you, wisely, well.

* * * * *

In this world nothing is constant save inconstancy. Nature changes all things, night and morn, and when she puts on again her former semblance, still it is only a semblance, and never the very same. Young ladies--when your lovers vow to be true forever to love--you may believe them; but whether they will be eternally true to you, admits of reflection. Such at least seems to have been the life-philosophy of him who penned the following poem:

BY THE STREAM.

Oh water that ever art roving!
O fountain that never canst move!
Oh fancy--some new flame still loving!
O heart, ever constant to love!

The waterfall rustled and glistened,
Till it seemed like a musical flame,
And I lay and I looked and I listened
Till the nymph of the waterfall came.

It was no Undine or Lurley
(Though I thought her as beautiful still)
That came in the evening early--
But a bare-footed maid from the mill.

The pitcher too frequently laden
Must break and be lost at the worst,
But the young heart, when full of a maiden,
Of the twain will be broken the first.

But the pitcher, when cracked by a tumble,
Must be laid, till repaired, on the shelf,
While the heart, although shattered and humble,
Will be mended in time by itself.

And we vowed that we loved--but with laughter,
And we kissed with our feet in the brook;
She left me--my whistle rung after,
To win from the maid a last look.

And months have flown by since I missed her,
For afar with another she's flown;
And now I wait here for her sister,
To vow that I've loved her alone.

Oh water that ever art roaming!
Oh fountain that never canst move!
Oh fancy--some new flame still loving!
Oh heart ever constant to--love!

Sing it, reader, 'if thou canst sing.' A lady friend assures us that it goeth well unto voice and pianoforte.

* * * * *

YE JOLLIE POACHER.

'Twas I that kept a shoddy mill
In starving Lancashire;
And shaved the Yankees shamefully
For many and many a year.

The mill is stopped, I'm raving mad,
As from the _Times_ you hear;
Oh it's my delight to bark and bite
At all times of the year.

* * * * *

The
Continental Monthly.

The readers of the CONTINENTAL are aware of the important position it has assumed, of the influence which it exerts, and of the brilliant array of political and literary talent of the highest order which supports it. No publication of the kind has, in this country, so successfully combined the energy and freedom of the daily newspaper with the higher literary tone of the first-class monthly; and it is very certain that no magazine has given wider range to its contributors, or preserved itself so completely from the narrow influences of party or of faction. In times like the present, such a journal is either a power in the land or it is nothing. That the CONTINENTAL is not the latter is abundantly evidenced _by what it has done_--by the reflection of its counsels in many important public events, and in the character and power of those who are its staunchest supporters.

Though but little more than a year has elapsed since the CONTINENTAL was first established, it has during that time acquired a strength and a political significance elevating it to a position far above that previously occupied by any publication of the kind in America. In proof of which assertion we call attention to the following facts:

1. Of its POLITICAL articles republished in pamphlet form, a single one has had, thus far, a circulation of _one hundred and six thousand_ copies.

2. From its LITERARY department, a single serial novel, "Among the Pines," has, within a very few months, sold nearly _thirty-five thousand_ copies. Two other series of its literary articles have also been republished in book form, while the first portion of a third is already in press.