Chapter XVI

Is it not monstrous that this player here,
But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,
Could force his soul so to his own conceit?
SHAKSPEARE.

When and where and how we met, we wooed
And made exchange of vows, I’ll tell thee.
IBID.

“It had not been in Mrs. Nesbit’s power to provide adequately for me; the whole of her income having been derived from a handsome jointure, which, at her death, reverted to her husband’s heir-at-law. A codicil to her will conferred on me, as a legacy, the small sum in ready money which her liberal, though not extravagant style of living, had left at her banker’s; it also conveyed to me all her library of books, most of which you now see round you. Utterly unprotected as I was, thus once again left, and still only eighteen, it was necessary that I should determine without delay upon the course which, under these circumstances, I wished to pursue.

“Perhaps it was a natural defect in my character, only elicited by the situation in which I had been lately placed, that made me shrink instinctively from returning once more amongst the kind, but rude and uncivilized companions of my earlier days. Combined with this dislike to that which was the obvious course for a young girl like me to pursue, recollections arose continually of Mrs. Nesbit’s evidently sincere opinion--‘My dear Alice, what an actress you would make!’ which gradually produced an uncontrollable longing to embark in that precarious profession: the exercise of which, in my unpractised mind, as yet only associated with the idea of such partial encomiums and kind criticisms as had hitherto met my ear from the friendly circle in Mrs. Nesbit’s drawing-room.

“Once having made up my mind, I determined to consult the great actor, whom I have before mentioned, upon the best manner of putting my project into execution. He seemed much embarrassed at the nature of my appeal. It appeared as if it never had occurred to him, from the sort of society in which he had heard me give specimens of my abilities, that it was likely I should ever be called upon thus to exert them professionally.

“He told me, that he should be deficient in candour, if he did not repeat what he had formerly said, ‘that he thought me eminently qualified to succeed should I really be determined to try the stage; but,’ he added, ‘in spite of those brilliant prospects, he could never dispassionately advise any one so young and unprotected to take such a step; and if the advice which I sought from him was not as to the best means of doing that upon which I had already decided, but that I would consult him as to the expediency of doing so at all, he would do all in his power to dissuade me, at least at present, from thinking of such a thing.’ I thanked him sincerely for his kindness, and expressed no more gratitude than I felt towards him, but still adhered to my determination, representing to him how little I knew what else to do with myself, and how sanguine I felt at being able and willing to surmount all the difficulties and inconveniences of the first steps of the profession. Seeing me determined, he gave me letters of introduction and recommendation to some connexions of his, then in the management of one of the first provincial circuits.

“By them I was, in consequence, most cordially received, and offered a choice of any character I chose for my _debut_. Long before that night arrived, I found out how differently my exertions were likely to be estimated here, and at Mrs. Nesbit’s. There, in the absence of all competition, praise excited no envy, and captious criticism would have been avoided as ill-breeding. Here my arrival had disturbed long-established claims to admiration, and had excited, first dismay, and then dislike. I had chosen Juliet for my first appearance, a choice most young ladies have made before me, and probably will do as long as ‘debutantes’ of eighteen each season succeed one another. I was not aware of the offence this was likely to give till after it was all settled; when I found I had displaced a majestic-looking widow lady, whose name appeared upon the prompter’s books as having been in undisputed possession of the part for nearly twenty years; a prescriptive right upon which she rested her claims, perhaps rather technically than judiciously. Had it been a young girl, like myself, with whom I interfered, she might have relied upon the anticipation of my failure, and upon the part then reverting to her; but this lady felt that her hitherto uninterrupted tenure once broken in upon, it was not likely it would ever be revived.

“Under her auspices, therefore, was organized a party to cry down my inexperienced attempts, and, with my eyes thus officiously opened to my own defects, I felt, as much as they could impress upon me, how very far from perfect I then was.

“It was all so different to me from the dining-room of Mrs. Nesbit--the mere walking the stage was a difficulty which I thought I should never get over, particularly when, at each of the wings, I always found during my rehearsals, some of my new friends to explain to me, solely for my good, how ridiculous something which I had done had been. The contrast between my present mortified feelings and my previously over-sanguine expectations was so great, that I should have been completely disheartened, and, perhaps, abandoned the stage in despair, but for the good-natured encouragement of many others of the company. All the effect, therefore, which this attempt had upon me, was to determine me to defer, till we removed to the next town in the circuit, my first appearance; and in the mean time, to study hard to acquire technical facilities, and to conquer those defects, of which I ought to thank my rival for having taken such pains to make me aware. The play had been announced, and therefore was not withdrawn, but an apology was made for the non-appearance of the _debutante_, and my matronly substitute once more “strutted and fretted” with ill-concealed triumph through the childish sorrows of Juliet. This exhibition was also a useful preparation for me, as it taught me many practical tricks to avoid.

“The company removed to a fashionable watering-place, then in full season, and at length my first appearance was positively fixed. And here let me do justice to the general kindly feelings of fellowship which I found to exist amongst the members of a profession, which by no means creates evil passions, though it may occasionally concentrate into a strong focus the causes which usually excite their display. That constant and close collision of pretensions, in which self-love must receive daily wounds, may naturally have a tendency to produce that envy and spirit of detraction, from which no society is free, not even that, where the contests of vanity are for the most unimportant objects, and between the most independent persons. But amongst my brethren of the stage, I generally found these feelings as fleeting as the passing pageant which had excited them; and in all essentials they might challenge a comparison with any of those whose own means were most assured, in their eagerness to extend from their own precarious provision, encouraging sympathy to the efforts of the inexperienced, and substantial support to the decay of the aged.

“In my own case, the interested attempt to crush a young beginner, excited in many of the company a strong feeling in my favour; and the interval which had elapsed had certainly been of considerable service to me, perhaps not a little in destroying that ill-grounded feeling of self-confidence, in which the partial panegyrics of friends had previously nursed me. But the want of this very much increased the terrors of the awful approaching trial.

“Perhaps the time I had now unassumingly passed amongst them had predisposed the company in my favour; but during the last day or two before my attempt, it is impossible to do justice to the almost paternal interest shown for me by nearly every member, from the amiable manager himself, down to the apothecary of the night. Still, nothing could alleviate the overpowering sensation which I experienced when the anxious moment I so long anticipated actually arrived. The house was crowded in every part. The cheering welcome with which I was received upon my first entrance did not dispel my fears, as I felt that it was only so much advanced in trust that, by my exertions, I would afterwards repay it. But as the play proceeded, and I recovered my confidence, the first spontaneous burst of applause which rang from every part of the house caused a consciousness of triumph, quite unlike any thing I had ever before experienced. It proclaimed a mysterious command over the unsuspecting sympathies of a mixed multitude, which was immeasurably superior to the finest compliment that had ever gratified my ear in Mrs. Nesbit’s drawing-room. My success was complete; I may now, without vanity, refer to it as unparalleled.

“Amongst the most enthusiastic of my supporters was a party of officers in the stage-box. The period to which I refer was that during the late war, when the militia was quartered about the country, the officers of which often contained in their number many men of rank and fortune; of this party the greater number were uniform in their acclamations. But even on that night of agitating triumph I could not help remarking the evident admiration of one officer, who did not join in the vehement demonstrations of his companions, but sat in the corner nearest the stage, with his speaking eyes fixed upon me with an expression which, perhaps, derived some of its intensity from the strong glare of the foot lights, which cast a pale hue over the rest of his features. Overpowered with congratulations on all sides, I retired to rest after my triumph, and slept soundly, only that in a confused dream of happiness the one distinct object that presented itself was the expressive countenance in the stage-box.

“My _debut_ had been so beyond expectation successful, and the crowded houses every night I played was such an unquestionable proof of increasing attraction, that the very excess of my triumph destroyed at once every spirit of rivalry, as it became obvious that my stay there could not extend beyond the little probationary practice, and that before many months elapsed I should be on the metropolitan boards. Even my _ci-devant_ rival, whose term was just up, accepted a re-engagement, subject to the condition of her exchanging for the present the girlish white satin of Juliet for the motherly black velvet of Lady Capulet.

“Still, upon every succeeding night of my appearance, the same young officer, sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied, was always in the same corner of the stage-box.

“This had continued for some weeks without our ever becoming acquainted, and thus his admiration appeared purely professional. The fame I had acquired, and whatever personal attractions I then at eighteen could boast, caused me, whenever I stirred out, to be much followed by many of the idlers of the public walks, but never by him; and the wise regulations of the manager, considering the mixed nature of the company at a watering-place, put many difficulties in the way of the intrusion of strangers into the green-room.

“One evening, however, under some pretence or other, two of the brother officers of my unknown admirer had contrived to introduce themselves there in a state that evidently showed they had rendered themselves unfit for any society. But, at the period to which I refer, it was not so well established, as now I hear it is, that, to appear drunk, was ‘unbecoming the character of an officer and a gentleman.’ The most noisy of these made me the object of his loathsome addresses; the disturbance he created had reached the front of the house, and my brother actors were endeavouring, by quiet remonstrances, to induce him to withdraw, when my unknown friend entered the room, and seizing him by the arm, with an authoritative movement of the head, motioned him to retire with him.

“The offender seemed awed for the moment, and did as he was desired. Being called at that moment to the wing, I overheard, at the distance of a few paces from me, the continuance of their conference.

“‘What d----d nonsense,’ said the offender, ‘why, she’s only an actress.’

“‘If you had any of your senses left,’ retorted the other, in an impassioned tone which went to my heart, ‘you would see that there could be no reason that a person who, by the display of every grace, and the exercise of consummate talent, commands the sympathies of the most refined, should, on that very account, tolerate the disgusting approaches of such a beast as you have made of yourself.’

“‘A very fine sermon for a soldier; so, amen! and I shall go back to my beauty.’

“‘Hold!’ said my defender, stopping him, ‘I am most serious--if you will listen to my advice, so much the better; but I am determined by foul means, if I cannot by fair, to prevent your returning.’

“A short scuffle, and but a short one, ensued; for my defender, though much the slighter of the two, was perfectly steady, an advantage of which the other had deprived himself, and, seizing his athletic antagonist by the nape of the neck, with one push he sent him from the top of the stairs to the bottom.

“Persons, in the state in which he then was, are said not to be easily hurt, or else I should have thought he must have been killed; however, he rose without injury, and departed, very angry, and determined to take ulterior measures.

“Just at the moment this occurred, I was obliged to appear upon the stage, which I did in a state of agitation that was afterwards remarked upon. The consequence of this altercation was a meeting between the two officers; my champion received a ball through his right arm; but his antagonist, from his conduct in the whole brawl, suffered, like Cassio, such a wound in his reputation, that his brother officers visited his fault with the same punishment as Othello did that of his lieutenant, and compelled him to quit the regiment.

“That all this could not occur in a small gossiping watering-place, without being recounted in a thousand different ways, and not all to my advantage, you may well imagine;--though when I say _you_ may well imagine, I forget my poor dear child, that, up to this moment, you are happily ignorant how peculiarly prone that ever-changing compound, called the world, is to decry any one who has previously excited its admiration. Many stories that were then circulated never wounded my ears; but they had been widely diffused: for one morning, some days after this had happened, I was sitting in my room with my fellow-lodger, an excellent elderly lady, the DUENNA on the stage, but off it the Lady Bountiful of our company, with whom I had arranged to keep house, as a sort of protectress to my youth, when the maid brought in a card with the name of Captain Somers, who begged to be admitted. The publicity which had been given to the late affair, had, of course, made me acquainted with the name of my declared defender and previously unknown admirer. Gratitude, of course, required that I should admit him. He looked dangerously interesting, with the arm which had been wounded in a black sling over his uniform, and his countenance still showing traces of his late confinement. He appeared embarrassed at first, as he apologized for his intrusion, which he said was to hope I would excuse any unpleasant construction which might be put upon his unauthorised interference in my behalf, which, he said, had arisen unintentionally out of the circumstances of the case: that he felt at the time he could not do otherwise; but that he much regretted the publicity of the whole affair. I could not do less than thank him most warmly for his generous interposition to save me from insult; and I, in my turn, felt embarrassed in doing so: an awkwardness which was not diminished by my fellow lodger taking advantage of that opportunity to rise and leave the room.

“If Captain Somers and I then were lovers, we were not perfect in our parts, for the conversation was by no means easy or animated, now we were left alone; indeed it was many weeks before he spoke of love, and so imperceptibly did we arrive at that point, that when he first pleaded his passion, so far from falling strangely on my ears, it seemed to me as if he had never previously spoken on any other subject. But where is the woman who requires to be told she is beloved? and how much more precious are the moments, when that consciousness is derived from any other source than that of the tongue?

“The innocent intercourse which from this time subsisted between us, so far from detracting from my profession, gave me an additional stimulus to exertion. Somers was an accomplished critic; and no indifferent praise, however unqualified, is half so sweet as little improving suggestions softly hinted by an admiring lover. Yet ignorant as I then was of the world, and wrapped up in my own day-dreams of love and fame, I had my misgivings that Somers’s was not an unmingled happiness; indeed, sometimes it was with pain I beheld the occasional fits of despondency to which he seemed subject, without my being able to divine the cause. During all this time he never mentioned his family, and I knew nothing of it beyond the reports amongst the company, to which I listened little, and did not attach much credit. Months passed over, and the time arrived when we were to remove to our next quarters, a large seaport town in the south, whilst the ****shire militia were to continue in their present station.”