Chapter II: Part 2

Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.

[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.]

[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.]

SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam
of the sea."

(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of
too many "schooners."
MONDAY

TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools.
General opening of Oysters.

WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the
colonial troops.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established
in England. Marriage encouraged.

SATURDAY

SEPTEMBER

That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.

HEALTH HINTS

To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ashore.

* * * * *

Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.

* * * * *

Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.

* * * * *

For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep.

* * * * *

To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow.

* * * * *

Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.

[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.]

[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.

]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a
submarine.

TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo
Cristofori. His assassination soon
follows.

SATURDAY

SEPTEMBER

It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.

LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY

_How to Trim Rich Relations._

This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.

Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.

Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.]

SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in
Boston. Patti opened theater with first
farewell performance.

MONDAY

TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm
sure I can't imagine where they buy such long
stockings."
--Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted
Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.

SATURDAY

SEPTEMBER

Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves accordingly.

RARE RECIPES

_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.

_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.

* * * * *

_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church affairs.

[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.]

[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.]

SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers"
established by John, of Biabaut.

(1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of
New York.

MONDAY

TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal
without having to read it."
--Kudyard Ripling.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic
friendship to Adonis.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a
game of bridge.

OCTOBER

There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip.

YOU NEVER CAN TELL

Sons of great men oft remind us
That no matter what our fame,
Offspring that we leave behind us
May be lobsters, just the same.

[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then opening the bottle.]

SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw.

(1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of
the Senate.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council
of Bishops.

(1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council
of Muck-rakers.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be
taken out by one of those fresh young men who
doesn't know how to paddle?

SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me.

SATURDAY

OCTOBER

There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every neck.

HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER

If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from us to touch a tender spot.

* * * * *

She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?

He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the limit.

[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very good pair of slippers.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.]

SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis
Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis,
A habit he learned
When his medals he earned
In the fight at Manila with Douis!

MONDAY

TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no
nightie." --Hindoo Proverb.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

OCTOBER

The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way.

TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR

Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,
That classic face of thine
I feared would never look on me,
Much less be wholly mine!
And now that thou art mine indeed--
In fact my last resource--
There comes, alas, through direful need,
The time for our divorce!

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.]

SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER

"When I can read my title clear
To mansions in the skies,"
I will not care for riches here,
And cease to advertise.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height.

(1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London.

(1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member.

SATURDAY

OCTOBER

The eye is the window of the soul.

The mouth is the subway of the face.

RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE

THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE

(Copyrighted)

First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.

[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster," try yawning.

]

SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS!

There was a young man from Calais
Who saw a soubrette at a plais.
Her beauty all fled
When her make-up was shed,
And his idol proved nothing but clais!

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists.

(60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc.

(1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist
in September.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

OCTOBER

The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in A flat.

HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER

Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the brandy, we mean.

We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie breath.

* * * * *

HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH

First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.

If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.

[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.

]

SUNDAY EVOLUTION

"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow,"
Said the poor mule, lank and old,
"But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow,
Than my father was, I'm told."

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for
President. He went down easily.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was
nominated June "23."

(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third
term.

SATURDAY

NOVEMBER

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.

FAMILY TREES

Men are luckless farmers,
Their Family Trees will show,
For many who grafted Peaches
Are ruined by their Blow.

CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD GOODS WEAR

_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_

Do your brains fit you? Are they of an inferior quality? Do they make you a living?

... USE ... OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS!

We have reached the highest perfection point in the manufacture of brains and can supply you with canned brains at reasonable prices. Put up only in pints and quarts. Prices on application.

BRAINS ON TRIAL!

Send us your name and we will ship you direct a complete set of our brains on trial. Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that period, you find them not all we claim, return them to us at our expense.

SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN EXCHANGE!

THE WISE GRAY MATTER CO.

Boston, Mass.

[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while driving, the stroke counts against him.]

[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.]

SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE

Any low-browed, brindle rooster
Can kerdoodle if he choose ter
And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!"
But an incubator chicken
Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un'
If it's wise enough to recognize its ma.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England.

(1906) Corsets still worn.

FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.

SATURDAY

NOVEMBER

Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa pillows.

FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER

The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.

* * * * *

Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.

[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" can sleep on the roof.]

SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL

MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer,"
Still, 'tis clear to all
That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff
Are certain to make a fall.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the
snow at Valley Forge, swore that it
would, later on, whip the British
"out of their boots."

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who
introduced "There's only one girl in the
world for me!"

SATURDAY

NOVEMBER

Circumstances open cases.

HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE

To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others.

* * * * *

If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.

* * * * *

And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.]

SUNDAY WHO DARES?

MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war,
But the iron-nerved rip-snorter
Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car
And refuses to tip the potter.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented.

Same date--Breakfast food introduced.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament,
refuses to take the oath.

Same date--First and only time on record a
politician ever refused to take anything.

SATURDAY

NOVEMBER

The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a push.

HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER

Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.

NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS

_EYES TESTED AT HOME_

It is a deplorable fact that human vision is falling below the normal standard day by day. A great many people weaken their eyes by looking for work, others in trying to see a joke where there is no joke.

Our patent home eye tester is presented herewith. Why pay good money to an oculist when you can test your eyes yourself?

DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER

Hold black disc and parallel lines 18
inches in front of your eyes. Close
your eyes and look at diagram intently.
If, then, any one line in the diagram
seems to you to be more alike than any
other line, or if any one line looks to
be more parallel than two lines, you
ought to wear spectacles.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.]

[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cushion, will rise again.]

SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT

"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she
And I thought (and I guess it was pat)
If she gets them, on next Sunday morning
we'll see
The two of them pinned on her hat.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United
States--many magazines have hot-air
explosions, shattering scores of
reputations.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock.

(1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud--
first Keeley cure on record.

SATURDAY

DECEMBER

All things come to him who goes after them.

FARMING IN ALASKA

It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.

* * * * *

Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this year.

[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two by two.]

[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an umbrella.]

SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT

The eternal feminine has not changed much since
the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex
to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail.

(1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most
popular man in history of the country.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever
that is.

(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is
no use "beefing about it."

SATURDAY

DECEMBER

Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook.

THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT

ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS

Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and is now three years old.

This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. "Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."

Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and established himself in business. He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.

There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.

But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is going to be a President of the Common Council.

[Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.

]

SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted
Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted
the stab wounds they found Brutus had
enumerated correctly.

MONDAY

TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights
and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat.
"I am glad it isn't breakfast food,"
said George.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta
joins the Achean league--it was easy to
slide in Greece.

FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR

The colicky baby's father,
As he croons his soothing song,
His thanks should give that he doesn't live
Where the nights are six months long.

SATURDAY

DECEMBER

"Even those who can't read like to look at the pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed

(Politically)?

ADVICE TO PARENTS

It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, has a most important influence in the work of shaping his life and fortune.

* * * * *

No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched polls.

* * * * *

It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," Timothy.

* * * * *

The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to the end of the chapter.

[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but is always in bad odor.]

SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from
Cromwell, wins record of being most
difficult man in the world to subpoena.

(1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II.

MONDAY

TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little
Mayflower.

(1906) Records show that little Mayflower
brought over 38,000,000 carloads of
ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc.

WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened.

(Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make
new ones for home.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest
day in the year if you are expecting any
presents.

SATURDAY

DECEMBER

Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have departed.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS

DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him arrested.

ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are laundered.

HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual holder of watered stock during his age.

SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.

WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept counterfeit money from admirers.

SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan.

* * * * *

RECENT INVENTIONS

A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.

* * * * *

Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.

[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.]

[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink milk out of pail.]

SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna.

(1895) Automobile born in France.

MONDAY

TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his
son Rupert for the benefit of modern
novelists.

WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England.

(1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of
Representatives.

THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED

Editor Foolish Almanack:--
What ails my hens? Every morning I
find two or three lying on their backs, toes
curled up, never to rise again.

CONSTANT READER.
Skowhegan, Me.

Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

DECEMBER

Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the change.

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_by_ GIDEON WURDZ

_Author of "Foolish Finance"_

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A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR

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JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY BOSTON _and_ LONDON

_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_

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_by_ GIDEON WURDZ

_Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"_

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Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.

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JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY BOSTON _and_ LONDON

ADDITIONAL TITLES _from_ JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY'S LIST

THE GIRL IN WAITING, by Archibald Eyre. "A very unusual novel." [$1.50

ALL BY WIRE A love episode told in 100 fac-simile telegrams. [$1.00

THE MISFIT CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS, by the Consolation Club. A Christmas Story, beautifully illustrated by Wallace Goldsmith. [$1.25

THE CANTERVILLE GHOST, by Wilde. An inimitable satire, and grotesquely amusing. [$1.00 Illustrated by Wallace Goldsmith.

A BACHELOR'S CUPBOARD, by A. Lyman Phillips. Everything a bachelor should know. [$1.00

THE FOOLISH ALMANACK (1st). If you like one you will like the other. [$ .75

LOVE LETTERS OF HENRY VIII to Anne Boleyn. Genuine copies, exquisitely bound in full leather. [$1.50

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW; HIS PLAYS. A critical analysis by Henry L. Mencken. [$1.00

ON GOING TO CHURCH, by George Bernard Shaw. [$ .75

EPIGRAMS AND APHORISMS, by Oscar Wilde. Sparks from a brilliant mind. [$1.50

Any of the above books will be sent by the publishers, postage prepaid, on receipt of price.

JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY 31 BEACON STREET BOSTON