Chapter I: Preface (1)

The books which most please while instructing the reader, are those which mingle the lively and gay with the sedate spirit in the narration of important facts. The verdict of the reader of this work must be (it is modestly suggested), that the author has luckily hit the happy vein in its construction.

Of all facts which bear upon human happiness or sorrow, those which serve to increase the former, and alleviate or banish the latter, are most desirable for everybody to know; and of all professions which most intimately concern the personal well-being of the public at large, that of the physician is most important. The author of this book has spared no pains of research to collect the facts of which he discourses, and has endeavored to cover the whole ground embraced by his subject with pertinent and important suggestions, statements, scientific discoveries, incidents in the career of great physicians, etc., and to fix them in the reader's mind by _apt anecdotes, which will be found in abundance throughout the work_.

There is no better man in the world than the true physician, and no more base wretch than the ordinary "Quack," or medical charlatan. If the author has spared no pains of study to make his book acceptable, he may be said, also, to have as unsparingly visited his indignation upon the quacks who have all along the line of historic medicine disgraced the physician's and the surgeon's profession.

The general public but little understand what a vast amount of ignorance has at times been cunningly concealed by medical practitioners, and how grossly the people of every city and village are even nowadays trifled with by some who arrogate to themselves the honorable title of Doctor of Medicine.

Herein not only the base and the good physician, but the honorable and the trifling apothecary, receive their due reward, or well-merited punishment, so far as the pen can give them. The reader will be utterly surprised when he comes to learn how the quacks of the past and the present have brought themselves into note by tricks and schemes very similar and equally infamous. The wanton trifling with the health and life of their patients, the greed of gain, and the perfect destitution of all moral nature, which some of these men have exhibited in their career, are astounding.

The apothecaries, as well as physicians, are descanted on, and the miserable tricks to which the large majority of them resort, exposed. The public will be astonished to find what trash in the matter of drugs it pays for; how filthy, vile, and often poisonous and hurtful materials people buy for medicines at extortionate prices; how even the syrups which they drink in soda drawn from costly and splendid fountains are often made from the most filthy materials, and are not fit for the lower animals, not to say human beings, to drink. And this fact is only illustrative of hundreds of others set forth in this work.

This work not only exposes the multifold frauds of quacks, apothecaries, travelling doctors, soothsayers, fortune-tellers, certain clairvoyants, and "spiritual mediums," and the like, who "practise medicine" to a more or less extent, or profess to discover and heal diseases,--but it points out to the reader the most approved rules for protecting the health, and recovering it when lost. In short, it is a work embodying the most sound advice, founded upon the judgment of the best physicians of the past and present, as tested in the Author's experience for a period of twenty years' active practice. In other words, it is a compendium of sound medical advice, as well as a racy, lively, and incisive dissection and exposure of the villanies of quacks and other medical empirics, etc.

Persons of all ages will find the work not only interesting to read, but most valuable in a practical sense. To the young who would shun the crafts and villanies to which they must be exposed as they grow up,--for all are liable to be more or less ill at times,--it will prove invaluable, enabling them to detect the spurious from the reliable in medicine, and how to judge between the pretentious charlatan (even enjoying a large ride) and the true physician. And none are so old that they may not reap great advantages from the work.

CONTENTS.

I. MEDICAL HUMBUGS.

ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF "HUMBUG."--A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.--
JOB'S OPINION OF DOCTORS.--EARLY PHYSICIANS.--PRIESTS AS
DOCTORS.--WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.--A "CAPITAL" OPERATION.--A
WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.--ANECDOTE.--ROBIN HOOD'S LITTLE
JOKE.--TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH HUMBUGS.--FRENCH DITTO.--A
FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.--AMERICAN HUMBUGS.--A FIRST CLASS
"DODGE."--A FREE RIDE.--A SHARP INTERROGATOR.--DOCTOR
PUSBELLY.--A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER'S STORY.--"OLD PILGARLIC"
TAKES A BATH.--LUDICROUS SCENE.--PROFESSOR BREWSTER. 19

II. APOTHECARIES.

FIRST MENTION OF.--A POOR SPECIMEN.--ELIZABETHAN.--KING JAMES
I. [VI.].--ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.--
WAR.--PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.--IGNORANCE.--STEALING A
TRADE.--A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.--"CASTER ILE."--MODERN DRUG
SWALLOWING.--MISTAKES.--"STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO."--
SUBSTITUTES.--"A QUID."--A "SMELL" OF PATENT MEDICINES.--"A
SAMPLE CLERK." 61

III. PATENT MEDICINES.

PATENT MEDICINES.--HOW STARTED.--HOW MADE.--THE WAY IMMENSE
FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.--SPALDING'S GLUE.--SOURED SWILL.--
SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.--S. P. TOWNSEND.--"A DOWN EAST FARMER'S
STORY."--"WILD CHERRY" EXPOSITIONS.--"CAPTAIN WRAGGE'S PILL"
A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE WHOLE.--HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.--A
SLIP OF THE PEN.--"GRIPE PILLS."--SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.--H. W.
B. "FRUIT SYRUP."--HAIR TONICS.--A BALD BACHELOR'S
EXPERIENCE.--A LUDICROUS STORY.--A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. 78

IV. MANUFACTURED DOCTORS.

A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.--A BARBER "GONE TO POT."--FOOLS MADE
DOCTORS.--BAKERS.--BARBERS.--"A LUCKY DOG."--TINKERS.--ROYAL
FAVORS.--"LITTLE CARVER DAVY."--A BUTCHER'S BLOCKHEAD.--A
SWEEPING VISIT.--HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.--PEDAGOGUES TURN
DOCTORS.--ARBUTHNOT.--"A QUAKER."--"WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR."--
WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.--A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M.
D.'S TO KILL HIM.--MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.--A MERRY PARSON.--
BLACK MAIL.--POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC. 99

V. WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN.

HER "MISSION."--NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.--ONE OF THEM.--
MRS. STEPHENS.--"CRAZY SALLY."--RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.--RUNS IN
THE FAMILY.--ANECDOTES.--"WHICH GOT THRASHED?"--A WRETCHED
END.--AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.--A PIONEER.--A LAUGHABLE
ANECDOTE.--"THREE WISE MEN."--"A SHORT HORSE," ETC.--BOSTON
AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.--A STORY.--"LOVE AND
THOROUGHWORT."--A GAY BEAU.--UP THE PENOBSCOT.--DYING FOR
LOVE.--"IS HE MAD?"--THOROUGHWORT WINS. 123

VI. QUACKS.

ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.--DERIVATION.--FATHER OF QUACKS.--A
MEDICAL "BONFIRE."--THE "SAMSON" OF THE PROFESSION.--SIR
ASTLEY.--U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.--HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS,
ETC.--A MUDDLED DEFINITION.--"STOP THIEF!"--CRIPPLED FOR
LIFE!--TWO POUNDS CALOMEL.--VICTIMS.--WASHINGTON, JACKSON,
HARRISON.--THE COUNTRY QUACK.--A TRUE AND LUDICROUS
ANECDOTE.--DYEING TO DIE!--A SCARED DOCTOR.--DROPSY!--A HASTY
WEDDING!--A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.--"SCENES FROM WESTERN
PRACTICE."--"TWIST ROOT."--A JOLLY TRIO.--NEW "BUST" OF
CUPID.--AN UNWILLING LISTENER. 157

VII. CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.

DEFINITION.--ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.--CITY IMPOSTORS.--FALSE
NAMES.--"ADVICE FREE."--INTIMIDATIONS.--WHOLESALE ROBBERY.--
VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.--PASSING THE CERBERUS.--
WINDINGS.--INS AND OUTS.--THE IRISH PORTER.--QUEER "TWINS,"
AND A "TRIPLET" DOCTOR.--A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.--BOOT-BLACK
AND BOTTLE-WASHER.--PERQUISITES.--PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.--
"INSTITUTES."--WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.--FEMALE
HARPIES.--A BOSTON HARPY.--WHERE OUR "LOST CHILDREN" GO.--
END OF A WRETCH. 180

VIII. ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.

A WANT SUPPLIED.--ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.--A LIVE
IRISHMAN.--MADAM ROTHSCHILD.--LARGE FEET.--A SHANGHAI
ROOSTER.--SPREADING HERSELF.--KEROSENE.--"SALERATUS."--HIS
LAST JOKE.--AN ASTONISHED DARKY.--OLD DR. K.'S MARE.--A
SCARED CUSTOMER.--"WHAT'S TRUMPS?"--"LET GO THEM HALYARDS."--
MEDICAL TITBITS.--MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.--"I WANT TO BE AN
ANGEL."--TOOTH-DRAWING.--DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.--
STEALING TIME.--CHOLERA FENCED IN.--"A JOKE THAT'S NOT A
JOKE."--A DRY SHOWER-BATH.--PARBOILING AN OLD LADY. 200

IX. FORTUNE-TELLERS.

PAST AND PRESENT.--BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.--
ARABIAN.--EASTERN.--ENGLISH.--QUEEN'S FAVORITE.--LILLY.--A
LUCKY GUESS.--THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.--HOW.--OUR
"TIDAL WAVE" AND AGASSIZ.--A HALL OF FORTUNE-TELLERS.--
PRESENT.--VISIT EN MASSE.--"FILLIKY MILLIKY."--"CHARGE
BAYONETS!"--A FOWL PROCEEDING.--FINDING LOST PROPERTY.--THE
MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSÉ.--"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE."--PROCURESSES.--
BOSTON MUSEUM.--"A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN."--MONEY DOES IT.--
GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.--"LOVE POWDER" EXPOSÉ.--HASHEESH.--"DOES
HE LOVE ME?" 227

X. EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.

THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.--DOCTORS ARE
PUBLIC PROPERTY.--DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.--DR. PARKER.--A
"PLOUGH-BOY."--THE FARMER'S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.--SCENE IN
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.--"LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED
ÆSCULAPIAN."--FIRST PATIENT.--"NONPLUSSED!"--ALL RIGHT AT
LAST.--PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.--A HARD START.--"FOOTING
IT."--ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD.--"OLD SQUEERS."--SPARE THE BOY AND
SPOIL THE ROD.--A DIGRESSION.--SKIRTING A BOG.--AN AGREEABLE
TURN.--PROFESSOR HOLMES.--A HOMELESS STUDENT. 253

XI. GHOSTS AND WITCHES.

FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.--WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.--A
TRUE STORY.--THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.--A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.--A
MYSTERY.--THE NAGLES FAMILY.--RAISING THE DEAD.--A LIVELY
STAMPEDE.--HOLY WATER.--CÆSAR'S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.--LORD
BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.--GHOST OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.--
"JOCKEYING A GHOST."--THE WOUNDED BIRD.--A BISHOP SEES A
GHOST.--MUSICAL GHOSTS.--A HAUNTED HOUSE.--ABOUT WITCHES.--
"WITCHES IN THE CREAM."--HORSE-SHOES.--WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A
WITCH.--WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.--THERE ARE NO
GHOSTS, OR WITCHES. 278

XII. MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS.

OLD AND NEW.--THE SIGN OF JUPITER.--MODERN IDOLATRY.--ORIGIN
OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.--HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.--
SINGULAR FACT.--CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.--"OLD NICK."--
RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS.--GOLDEN HERB.--HOUSE CRICKETS.--A
STOOL WALKS.--THE BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.--HOUSE
SPIDERS.--THE HOUSE CAT.--SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.--
WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.--NAUGHTY BOYS.--ERRORS RESPECTING
CATS.--SANITARY QUALITIES.--OWLS.--A SCARED BOY.--HOLY
WATER.--UNLUCKY DAYS.--THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.--A KISS. 307

XIII. TRAVELLING DOCTORS.

PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).--THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.--A BAD
SPECIMEN.--"REMARKABLE TUMOR."--"THE SINGING DOCTOR."--CAUGHT
IN A STORM.--BIG PUFFING.--A SPLENDID "TURNOUT."--WHO WAS
HE?--A SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.--THE "SPANKING DOCTOR."--A FAIR
VICTIM.--LOOSE LAWS.--DR. PULSEFEEL.--IMPUDENCE.--A FIDDLING
DOCTOR.--AN ENCORE.--"CHEEK."--VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING. 341

XIV. SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE.

THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.--MY MIDNIGHT
CALL.--THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.--"OLD SEROSITY."--THE
ILLEGITIMATE CHILD.--DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.--WHO IS THE
HEIR?--A TOUCHING SCENE.--FATE OF THE "BEGGAR BOY."--THE
TERRIBLE CALLER.--AN IRISH SCENE, FROM DR. DIXON'S BOOK.--
BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.--TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.--THE STOMACH
PUMP.--BIDDY WON'T, AND SHE WILL.--THE BETRAYED AND HER
BETRAYER.--"IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?"--THE HUSBANDLESS
MOTHER.--THE CRISIS AND COURT.--ANSWER.--THERE IS A "GOD IN
ISRAEL." 362

XV. DOCTORS' FEES AND INCOMES.

ANCIENT FEES.--LARGE FEES.--SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.--A PIG ON
PENANCE.--SMALL FEES.--A "CHOP" POSTPONED.--LONG FEES.--SHORT
FEES.--OLD FEES.--A NIGHT-CAP.--AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.--A
BLACK FEE.--"HEART'S OFFERING."--A STUFFED CAT.--THE "GREAT
GUNS" OF NEW YORK.--BOSTON.--ROTTEN EGGS.--"CATCH WHAT YOU
CAN."--FEMALE DOCTORS' FEES.--ABOVE PRICE.--"ASK FOR A
FEE."--"PITCH HIM OVERBOARD."--DELICATE FEES.--MAKING THE
MOST OF THEM. 386

XVI. GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.

THE WORLD UNMASKED.--A ROUGH DIAMOND.--DECAYED GENTILITY.--
"THREE FLIGHT, BACK."--SEVERAL ANECDOTES.--THE OLD
FOX-HUNTER.--"STAND ON YOUR HEAD."--KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.--
RARE CHARITY.--OLD AND HOMELESS.--THE "O'CLO'" JEW.--DR.
HUNTER'S GENEROSITY.--"WHAT'S THE PRICE OF BEEF?"--A SAD
OMISSION.--INNATE GENEROSITY.--A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.--AN
EYE-OPENER.--AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.--ROBBING THE DEAD. 410

XVII. LOVE AND LOVERS.

XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.--A FIRST LOVE.--BLASTED HOPES.--A
DOCTOR'S STORY.--THE FLIGHT FROM "THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW."--
THE EXILE AND RETURN.--DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.--ESCAPES WITH
HIS LOVE.--ENGLISH BEAUS.--YOUNG COQUETTES.--A GAY AND
DANGEROUS BEAU.--HANDSOME BEAUS.--LEAP YEAR.--AN OLD BEAU.--
BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.--OFFENDED ROYALTY.--YOUTH AND AGE.--A
STABLE BOY.--POET-DOCTOR. 438

XVIII. MIND AND MATTER.

IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE
EXPLAINED.--"THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY."--YET ROOM FOR
DISCOVERIES.--A "GASSY" SUBJECT.--DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.--
HE "CAN'T SEE IT."--THE ROYAL TOUCH.--GASSNER.--"THE DEVIL
KNOWS LATIN."--ROYALTY IN THE SHADE.--THE IRISH PROPHET; HE
VISITS LONDON.--A COMICAL CROWD.--MESMERISM.--A FUNNY
BED-FELLOW.--CLAIRVOYANCE.--THE GATES OF MOSCOW.--THE DOCTOR
OF ANTWERP.--THE OLD LADY IN THE POKE-BONNET.--VISIT TO A
CLAIRVOYANT.--"FORETELLING" THE PAST.--THE OLD WOMAN OF THE
PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.--A SECRET KEPT.--CUI BONO?--VISITS TO
SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.--A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.--A BOUNCER.--
RIDICULOSITY. 461

XIX. ECCENTRICITIES.

A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.--A NEW EDIBLE.--"HAVE THEM
BOILED."--"BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."--A LOVELY STAMPEDE.--AN
ECCENTRIC PHILADELPHIAN.--THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND
SCIPIO.--SILENT ELOQUENCE.--CONSISTENT TO THE END.--WHEN
DOCTORS DISAGREE.--FOUR BLIND MEN.--DIET AND SLEEP.--SAXE AND
SANCHO PANZA.--MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR'S BOOK.--THE TABLES
TURNED ON THE DOCTORS. 495

XX. PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS.

FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.--SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.--THEY
SLIGHTLY DISAGREE.--HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.--BAXTER VS. THE
DOCTOR.--A CURE FOR "RHEUMATIZ."--OLD ENGLISH DOSES.--CURE
FOR BLUES.--FOR HYSTERIA.--HEROIC DOSES.--DROWNING A FEVER.--
AN EXACT SCIENCE.--SULPHUR AND MOLASSES.--A USE FOR POOR
IRISH.--MINERAL SPRINGS.--COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.--THE OLD LADY
AND THE AIR-PUMP.--SAVED BY HER BUSTLE.--COUNTRY
PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.--ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOBER? 517

XXI. SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP.

"HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL."--A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.--
ADMINISTERING ANGELS.--"WATER! WATER!"--THE SOLDIER-BOY'S
DYING MESSAGE.--THE WELL-WORN BIBLE.--WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN
BODIES.--"PUDDING AND MILK."--THE POETICAL AND AMUSING
SIDE.--"TO AMELIA."--MY LOVE AND I.--A SCRIPTURAL
CONUNDRUM.--MARRYING A REGIMENT. 538

XXII. GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS.

GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.--A MODERN SILENUS.--A SAD
WRECK.--DELIRIUM TREMENS.--FATAL ERRORS.--"EATING LIKE A
GLUTTON."--STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.--A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A
COOK.--A HUNGRY DOCTOR.--THE MODERN GILPIN.--A CHANGE! A SOW
FOR A HORSE!--A DUCK POND.--THE FORLORN WIDOW.--A SCIENTIFIC
GORMAND.--ANOTHER.--"DOORN'T GO TO 'IM," ETC.--DR. BUTLER'S
BEER AND BATH.--CASTS HIS LAST VOTE. 550

XXIII. THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN.

OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.--SOME WRITERS.--SOME BLUNDERS.--AN
OLD SMOKER.--OLD GREEKS.--A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY
MISS.--THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.--"LITTLE DAISY."--"CASA
WAPPA!"--FINE POETRY.--MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.--
NAPOLEON'S AND WASHINGTON'S PHYSICIANS.--A FRENCH
"BUTCHER."--A DIF. OF OPINION.--SOME EPITAPHS.--DR. HOLMES'
"ONE-HOSS SHAY."--HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.--SAVED BY
MUSIC.--A GERMAN TOUCH-UP.--MUSIC ON ANIMALS.--"MUSIC AMONG
THE MICE."--MUSIC AND HEALTH. 571

XXIV. ADULTERATIONS.

BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.--"JACK ASHORE."--BUCKWHEAT
CAKES ARE GOOD.--WHAT'S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.--
BUTTER.--HOW TO TELL GOOD AND BAD.--MILK.--ANALYSIS OF GOOD
AND "SWILL MILK."--WHAT'S IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?--THE COW
WITH ONE TEAT.--"LOUD" CHEESE.--TEA AND COFFEE.--TANNIN,
SAWDUST, AND HORSES' LIVERS.--ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.--CHURCH WINE
AND BREAD.--BEER AND BITTER HERBS.--SPANISH FLIES AND
STRYCHNINE.--"NINE MEN STANDIN' AT THE DOOR."--BURTON'S ALE;
AN ASTONISHING FACT.--FISHY.--"FISH ON A SPREE."--TO REMEDY
IMPURE WATER.--CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.--HOG-ISH.--PORK AND
SCROFULA.--NOTICES OF THE PRESS. 599

XXV. ALL ABOUT TOBACCO.

"HOW MUCH?"--AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.--"SIAMESE TWINS."--A MIGHTY
ARMY.--ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.--A DONKEY RIDE.--LITTLE
BREECHES.--WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM
SMOKE.--TOM'S LETTER.--"PURE SOCIETY."--HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS
"TOOK IN."--DELICIOUS MORSELS.--THE STREET NUISANCE.--A
SQUIRTER.--ANOTHER.--IT BEGETS LAZINESS.--NATIONAL RUIN.--
BLACK EYES.--DISEASE AND INSANITY.--USES OF THE WEED.--GETS
RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.--TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.--THE
OLD FARMER'S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.--"WHAT KILLED HIM." 633

XXVI. DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS.

GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.--COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.--THE
GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.--ADDRESS NECESSARY.--"THIS IS A
BONE."--DRESS NOT NECESSARY.--COUNTRY DOCTORS' DRESS.--HOW
THE DEACON SWEARS.--A GOOD MANY SHIRTS.--ONLY WASHED WHEN
FOUND DRUNK.--LITTLE TOMMY MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY
THE COW.--AN INSULTED LADY.--DOCTORS' WIGS.--"AIN'T SHE
LOVELY?"--HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.--THE DOCTOR AND THE
VALET.--A BIG WIG.--BEN FRANKLIN.--JENNER'S DRESS.--AN
ANIMATED WIG; A LAUGHABLE STORY.--A CHARACTER.--"DOSH, DOSH." 659

XXVII. MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS.

HOW MANY.--WHO THEY ARE.--HOW THEY DIE.--HOW MUCH RUM THEY
CONSUME.--HOW THEY LIVE.--OLD AGE.--WHY WE DIE.--GET
MARRIED.--OLD PEOPLE'S WEDDING.--A GOOD ONE.--THE ORIGIN OF
THE HONEYMOON.--A SWEET OBLIVION.--HOLD YOUR TONGUE!--MANY
MEN, MANY MINDS.--"ALLOPATHY."--LOTS OF DOCTORS.--THE ITCH
MITE.--A HORSE-CAR RIDE.--KEEP COOL!--KNICKKNACKS.--HUMBLE
PIE.--INCREASE OF INSANITY.--A COOL STUDENT.--HOW TO GET RID
OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW. 680

XXVIII. BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS.

BLEEDING IN 1872.--EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.--A ROYAL
SURGEON.--A DRAWING JOKE.--THE PRETTY COQUETTE.--TINKERS AS
BLEEDERS.--WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.--THE BARBERS OF SOUTH
AMERICA.--OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.--A FRENCH BUTCHER.--CUR?--
ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.--THE MISFORTUNES OF A
BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLASS JERROLD); JOB
PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED
AND JOB DRESSED. 695

XXIX. THE OMNIUM GATHERUM.

EX-SELL-SIR!--"THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED."--A NOTORIOUS
FEMALE DOCTOR.--A WHITE BLACK MAN.--SQUASHY.--MOTHER'S
FOOL.--WHO IT WAS.--THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.--
EDUCATION AND GIBBERISH.--SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.--THE OLD LADY
WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER STOMACH.--STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.--
THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN HIM.--CASE OF SMALL-POX.--NOT MUCH
TO LOOK AT.--FUNERAL ANTHEMS. 709

XXX. THE OTHER SIDE.

PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.--STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.--
ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.--INGRATES.--A NIGHT ROW.--"SAVING
AT THE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG."--SHOPPING PATIENTS.--
AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.--RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.--THE
PHYSICIAN'S WIDOW AND ORPHAN, THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE
INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL FATHER,
HOW THEY DIED, THE END.--A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.--SELLING OUT. 727

XXXI. "THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH."

THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.--NO BLESSING IN
COMPARISON.--MEN AND SWINE.--BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.--"BABY ON
THE PORCH."--IN A STRAIT JACKET.--"TWO LITTLE SHOES."--
YOUTH.--IMPURE LITERATURE AND PASSIONS.--"OUR GIRLS."--BARE
ARMS AND BUSTS.--HOW AND WHAT WE BREATHE.--"THE FREEDOM OF
THE STREET."--KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH CLOSED.--THE
LUNGS AND BREATHING.--A MAN FULL OF HOLES.--SEVEN MILLION
MOUTHS TO FEED.--PURE WATER.--CLEANLINESS. SOAP VS.
WRINKLES.--GOD'S SUNSHINE. 748

XXXII. HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE.

CHEERFULNESS.--GOOD ADVICE.--REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON
CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS.--WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.--WHINING.--
LOVE AND HEALTH.--AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.--SEPARATING THE
SHEEP AND GOATS.--THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.--SIXTEEN AND
SIXTY.--ACTION AND IDLENESS.--IDLENESS AND CRIME.--BEAUTY AND
DEVELOPMENT.--SLEEP.--DAY AND NIGHT.--"WHAT SHALL WE EAT?"--A
STOMACH-MILL AND A STEWING-PAN.--"FIVE MINUTES FOR
REFRESHMENTS."--ANCIENT DIET.--COOKS IN A "STEW."--THE
GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.--CABBAGES AND ARTICHOKES.--
ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET. 769

XXXIII. CONSUMPTION.

CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!--UNIVERSAL REIGN.--SIGNS OF HIS
APPROACH.--WARNINGS.--BAD POSITIONS.--SCHOOL-HOUSES.--ENGLISH
THEORY.--PREVENTIVES.--AIR AND SUNSHINE.--SCROFULA.--A JOLLY
FAT GRANDMOTHER.--"WASP WAISTS."--CHANGE OF CLIMATE.--"TOO
LATE!"--WHAT TO AVOID.--HUMBUGS.--COD LIVER OIL.--STRYCHNINE
WHISKEY.--A MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.--SWALLOWING A
PRESCRIPTION.--SIT AND LIE STRAIGHT.--FEATHERS OR CURLED
HAIR.--A YANKEE DISEASE.--CATARRH AND COLD FEET, HOW TO
REMEDY.--"GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR."--OTHER THINGS TO
AVOID.--A TENDER POINT. 790

XXXIV. ACCIDENTS.

RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES
OF ACCIDENT.--HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.--
DROWNING; TO RESTORE.--SUN-STROKE.--AVOID ICE.--"ACCIDENTS
WILL HAPPEN."--WHAT TO HAVE IN THE HOUSE.--BRUISES.--BURNS.--
DO THE BEST YOU CAN AND TRUST GOD FOR THE REST. 811

ILLUSTRATIONS.

1. A. D. CRABTRE, M. D., Frontispiece.

2. DR. ANGLICUS PONTO, 31

3. MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY, 33

4. THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF, 38

5. COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK, 47

6. GRACE BEFORE MEAT, 48

7. OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH, 55

8. PROFESSOR BREWSTER, 55

9. AN INFANTRY CHARGE, 60

10. THE "FREE PASS" PRESCRIPTION, 69

11. THE WRONG PATIENT, 71

12. A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY, 77

13. UNDER FULL SAIL, 77

14. "IT'S ALL A HUMBUG," 82

15. "BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD," 93

16. OLD "SANDS OF LIFE," 96

17. REFRESHMENTS, 98

18. THE EYE DOCTOR, 103

19. THE YOUNG SURGEON'S FIRST EXPERIENCE, 105

20. HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE, 111

21. THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE "CONGREGATION," 120

22. A JUVENILE BACCHUS, 122

23. "DON'T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?" 128

24. THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS, 134

25. "POH! YOU'RE A GIRL," 141

26. "HERE WE GO UP-UP-UPPY," 148

27. "LOVE AMONG THE ROSES," 156

28. THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN, 161

29. CURIOUS EFFECTS OF A FEVER, 171

30. MARRYING A FAMILY, 173

31. 'OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION, 175

32. A "HYPO" PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN, 178

33. TOO MUCH HAT, 179

34. CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY, 181

35. "AN' WHO'LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?" 183

36. A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT, 189

37. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, 199

38. DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL, 202

39. AN EXTENSIVE SET, 205

40. "O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I'VE PIZENED ME BOY," 207

41. "LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!" 209

42. NOT A STOMACH PUMP, 213

43. "LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE," 217

44. THE FARMER'S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA, 223

45. TOO MUCH VAPOR, 224

46. A DRY SHOWER BATH, 225

47. GRAPES AND WINE, 226

48. CHARGE, INFANTRY! 239

49. AFTER THE BATTLE, 240

50. THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S MAGIC MIRROR, 244

51. CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER, 251

52. THE HUNTRESS, 252

53. THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY, 256

54. THE POLITE QUADRUPED, 265

55. YOUNG ABERNETHY, 266

56. "PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY," 274

57. THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN, 276

58. THE INDIAN WARRIOR, 277

59. BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS, 278

60. "HARK! THERE'S A FEARFUL GUST!" 280

61. A GRAVE SENTRY, 282

62. A GHOST IN CAMP, 285

63. OLD NAGLES, 286

64. THE NAGLES BOYS, 287

65. CHIEF MOURNERS, 288

66. THE CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE, 290

67. PREPARE TO DIE, 293

68. THE BISHOP'S GHOSTLY VISITOR, 295

69. THE MUSICAL PUSS, 301

70. A DARKEY BEWITCHED, 301

71. BOYLSTON STATION, 303

72. WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD, 305

73. PASSING THE FORT, 306

74. THE GOD OF RECIPES, 308

75. SUN-SUNDAY, 310

76. MOON-MONDAY, 313

77. TUISCO-TUESDAY, 313

78. WODEN-WEDNESDAY, 314

79. THOR-THURSDAY, 315

80. FRIGA-FRIDAY, 315

81. SEATER-SATURDAY, 316

82. GATHERING THE MANDRAKE, 321

83. "WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW," 323

84. SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH TO THE CAT, 329

85. "WHO-A'-YOO?" 333

86. THE PROPER USE OF "HOLY WATER," 334

87. THE MODEST KISS, 339

88. HOLDING THE PLOW, 340

89. THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE, 343

90. MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR, 345

91. THE SINGING DOCTOR, 349

92. THE SANATORIAN'S TURNOUT, 351

93. A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE, 354

94. A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER, 355

95. DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN, 356

96. THE MUSICAL DOCTOR, 358

97. ENTHUSIASM, 359

98. ALL WOOL, 361

99. CHARITY THROWN AWAY, 363

100. THE BEGGAR BOY, 366

101. REMORSE, 368

102. THE LOST HEIR, 373

103. A MORNING CALLER, 375

104. "WHY DID I TAZE YE?" 376

105. SUCCESS OF TERRY'S COURTSHIP, 379

106. THE BETRAYED, 382

107. SAILING INTO PORT, 385

108. A SAN BENITO PIG, 388

109. AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY, 390

110. THE KING'S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER, 393

111. A SLIPPER-Y FEE, 397

112. A LIVING FEE, 399

113. STUFFED PETS, 400

114. A PIONEER OF HOMOEOPATHY, 403

115. A SHARP MULE TRADE, 405

116. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, 409

117. PHYSICIAN'S CHARITY, 411

118. SEARCH FOR A PATIENT, 412

119. AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT, 417

120. A WOMAN'S REBUKE, 417

121. AFRAID OF A POLYPUS, 418

122. ABERNETHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION, 420

123. RECKONING A DOCTOR'S FEES, 424

124. PATIENT NUMBER FIVE, 425

125. THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER, 427

126. MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY, 431

127. CHARITY NOT SOLICITED, 431

128. CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL, 433

129. DEATH'S FEE, 436

130. THE AMERICAN SAILOR, 437

131. MY FIRST LOVE, 439

132. TEN YEARS LATER, 441

133. FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR, 443

134. THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER, 447

135. FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS, 447

136. AN AGED PUPIL, 453

137. BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE, 457

138. "POPPING THE QUESTION," 460

139. LOVE'S LINKS, 460

140. THE LION MAGNETIZED, 466

141. A HARD SUBJECT, 467

142. GASSNER HEALING "BY THE GRACE OF GOD," 471

143. NO LACK OF PATIENTS, 475

144. "A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN," 477

145. EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE, 483

146. A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER, 483

147. THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET, 488

148. "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE," 492

149. THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS, 494

150. A "HORSE-SLAYER" INDULGING HIS OPINION, 499

151. NO TIME TO LOSE, 500

152. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, 503

153. DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION, 504

154. THE RUSSIAN GENERAL'S DRILL, 506

155. WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE, 511

156. A DOCTOR'S SOLACE, 511

157. HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION, 525

158. DOSE--ONE QUART EVERY HOUR, 526

159. PUMPING AN OLD LADY, 537

160. A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION, 537

161. THE FARMER'S EMBLEMS, 537

162. THE DYING MESSAGE, 541

163. STUCK! 547

164. COMMERCE, 549

165. A GOOD LIVER, 551

166. A DOCTOR "KILLING THE DEVILS," 555

167. PAYING FOR HIS WINE, 555

168. A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR, 555

169. "THE DOCTOR ON A SOW!" 565

170. RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR, 565

171. "ONLY IRISH BEER," 568

172. CURE FOR THE AGUE, 569

173. PLAYING THE REEDS, 570

174. AN EMBRYO APOLLO, 572

175. THE PILGRIM CHEAT, 577

176. FRANKLIN'S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER, 585

177. END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HOSS SHAY, 591

178. "MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE," 597

179. THE MUSICAL MICE, 597

180. FOUNTAIN, 598

181. SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION, 603

182. SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED), 605

183. PURE MILK (MAGNIFIED), 606

184. WATERED MILK (MAGNIFIED), 606

185. "WHAT'S IN THE MILK?" 606

186. A CHAMPAGNE BATH, 611

187. MOTHER'S MILK--PURE AND HEALTHY, 612

188. MOTHER'S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKY, 612

189. WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE, 617

190. A CONFECTIONERY STORE, 619

191. TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER, 629

192. A STREET CANDY STAND, 629

193. THE NEWSBOY'S MOTHER, 630

194. THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS, 634

195. PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK, 638

196. SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS, 639

197. "I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER," 641

198. YOUNG SMOKERS, 642

199. EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER, 643

200. PURIFYING HIS BLOOD, 644

201. CLEANSING HIS BONES, 645

202. THE SMOKER, 647

203. THE CHEWER, 648

204. SIGN OF THE TIMES, 648

205. MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND, 650

206. "SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?" 653

207. WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS, 653

208. WHAT KILLED THE DOG? 657

209. THE NEWSBOY, 658

210. THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD, 661

211. A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR, 663

212. PHYSICIANS' COSTUME IN 1790, 664

213. HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST, 666

214. BRIDGET'S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS, 667

215. THE UNDERTAKERS' ARMS, 671

216. DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET, 671

217. A WIG MOUSE, 674

218. THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED, 675

219. MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE, 679

220. DOCTOR CANDEE, 679

221. A GERMAN BEER GIRL, 681

222. AN INDIGNANT BRIDE, 686

223. THE ITCH MITE, 689

224. THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT, 693

225. HARVESTED, 694

226. ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON, 696

227. PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON, 697

228. JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO, 703

229. "BLEED HIM," 704

230. A BORROWED WATCH, 706

231. JOB'S DECISION, 708

232. SQUASHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION, 715

233. "WILL YE TAK' A BLAST, NOO?" 720

234. REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH, 722

235. "IT ISN'T CATCHIN'," 724

236. FUNERAL OF THE CANARY, 725

237. MY FRONT STREET PATIENT, 731

238. A SHOPPING PATIENT, 733

239. CALL AT THE TENEMENT, 737

240. THE WIDOW'S OCCUPATION, 739

241. THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER, 742

242. THE PETER FUNK PHYSICIAN, 745

243. VIRTUE, 747

244. THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK, 761

245. "IT COSTS NOTHING," 766

246. A NATURAL POSITION, 792

247. AN UNNATURAL POSITION, 792

248. CORRECT POSITION, 796

249. INCORRECT POSITION, 796

250. HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE, 799

251. A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, 800

252. NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, 800

253. A HEALTHY POSITION, 804

254. POSITION OF ARTERY IN ARM, 811

255. COMPRESSING AN ARTERY IN ARM, 812

256. POSITION OF ARTERY IN LEG, 812

257. THE DOCTOR'S QUEUE, 816

I.

MEDICAL HUMBUGS.

_Marina._ ... Should I tell my history,
'Twould seem like lies disdained in the reporting.

_Pericles._ Pray thee, speak.--_Shakspeare._

ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF "HUMBUG."--A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.--JOB'S
OPINION OF DOCTORS.--EARLY PHYSICIANS.--PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.--WIZARDS
COME TO GRIEF.--A "CAPITAL" OPERATION.--A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE
PIECES.--ANECDOTE.--ROBIN HOOD'S LITTLE JOKE.--TIT FOR TAT.--ENGLISH
HUMBUGS.--FRENCH DITTO.--A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.--AMERICAN
HUMBUGS.--A FIRST CLASS "DODGE."--A FREE RIDE.--A SHARP
INTERROGATOR.--DOCTOR PUSBELLY.--A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER'S STORY.--"OLD
PILGARLIC" TAKES A BATH.--LUDICROUS SCENE.--PROFESSOR BREWSTER.

Medical humbugs began to exist with the first pretenders to the science of healing. Quacks originated at a much later period. So materially different are the two classes, that I am compelled to treat of them separately.

The word _humbug_ is a corruption of _Hamburg_, Germany, and seems to have originated in London. The following episode is in illustration of both its origin and meaning:--

"O, Bridget, Bridget!" exclaimed the fashionable mistress of a brown stone front in Fifth Avenue, New York, to her surprised servant girl, "what have you been doing at the front door?"

"Och, murther! Nothin', ma'am."

"Nothing!" repeated the mistress.

"Yes'm--that is--" stammered Bridget, greatly embarrassed.

"What were you doing at the front door but a moment since?"

"Nothin', ma'am, but spakin' to me cousin; he's a p'leeceman, ma'am, if ye plaze, ma'am," replied Bridget, dropping a low courtesy to the mistress.

"No, no; I did not mean that. But haven't you been cleaning the door-knob and the bell-pull?"

"Yes'm," replied Bridget, changing from embarrassment to surprise.

"Why, Bridget, didn't I tell you never to polish the front door-knobs during the warm season? Now my friends will think that I have returned from Saratoga--"

"And is it to Saratogy ye've been, ma'am?" exclaimed Bridget.

"No, you dunce; but was not the front of the house closed, and the servants forbidden to polish the plates and glass, that my friends might be led to believe we had all gone to the watering-place?"

That was true humbug. Double humbuggery! for the servant girl was humbugging her mistress by pretending to polish the door-knobs, while she was really coqueting with a policeman; and the mistress was humbugging her friends into the belief that the house was closed, and the family gone to Saratoga.

So, Hamburg, on the Elbe, being a fashionable resort of the upper-ten-dom of London, those who would ape aristocracy, yet being unable to bear the expense of a trip to the Continent, closed the front of their dwellings, moved into the rear, giving out word that they had gone to _Hamburg_.

When a house was observed so closed, with a notice on the door, the passers by would wag their heads, and exclaim, questionably, "Ah, gone to Hamburg!" or, "All gone to Hamburg!" "It's all Hamburg!" and so on. And, like a thousand other words in the English language, this became corrupted, and "humbug" followed. Hence, taking the sense from the derivation of the word, humbug means "an imposition, under fair pretences;" cheat; hoax; a deception without malicious intent. Webster says it is "a low word."

The humbugs in medicine, we assert, began to exist with the first persons of whom we have any account in the history of the healing art. Among the early Egyptian physicians, Æsculapius was esteemed as the most celebrated. He was the first humbug in his line. However, nearly all the accounts we have of him are mythological. If we are to credit the early writers, this great healer restored so many to life, that he greatly interfered with undertaker Pluto's occupation, who picked a quarrel with Æsculapius, and the two referred the matter to Jupiter for adjudication.

But we may go back of this "god of medicine." If he was physician to the Argonauts, we must fix the date of his great exploits at about the year B. C. 1263. It is claimed by good authority that the Book of Job dates back to B. C. 1520, and is the oldest book extant. Herein we find Job saying, "Ye are forgers of lies; ye are all physicians of no value." Since his friends were trying their best to humbug him, Job certainly intimates that physicians--some of them, at least--were looked upon as humbugs. But, then, Job was only an Arab prince; not an Israelite, at all; nor does he condescend to mention that "peculiar people" in his book. And besides, what reliance can be based upon the opinion of a man respecting physicians, whose only surgical instrument consisted of a "piece or fragment of a broken pot"?

Therefore, leaving the "Arab prince," we will turn for a moment to the early Jewish physicians. Josephus does not enlighten us much respecting them. The Old Testament makes mention of physicians in three instances,--the last figuratively.

The first instance--a rather amusing one--where physicians are mentioned in the sacred writings, is in 2 Chron. xvi. 12: "And Asa, in the thirty-ninth year of his reign, was diseased in his feet, until the disease was exceeding great; yet in his disease he sought not to the Lord, but to the physicians." The compiler adds, very coolly, as though a natural consequence, "_And Asa slept with his fathers_!" This reminds us of an anecdote by the late Dr. Waterhouse. An Irishman obtained twenty grains of morphine, which, instead of quinine, he took at one dose, to cure the chills. The doctor, in relating it long afterwards, added, laconically, "He being a good Catholic, his funeral was numerously attended."

For generations nearly all the pretensions to healing were made by the priests and magicians, who humbugged and "bamboozled" the ignorant and superstitious rabble to their hearts' content. Kings and subjects were alike believers in the Magi. Saul believed in the magic powers of the "witch of Endor." The wicked king Nebuchadnezzar classed Daniel and his three companions with the magicians, although Daniel (chap. xi. 10) denied the imputation. Joseph laid claim to the power of divination; for, having caused the silver cup to be placed in the sack of corn, and after having sent and brought his brother back, he said (Gen. xliv. 15), "What deed is this that ye have done? Wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?" It seemed necessary to deal with the people according to their belief. It was useless to dispute with them. As late as the preaching of Paul and Barnabas, the whole nations of Jews and Greeks were so tinctured with belief in magic and enchantment in healing, taught and promulgated by the priesthood, that when the apostles healed the cripple of Lystra, the rabble, headed by the priests, cried out, "The gods are come down to us in the likeness of men." And they called Barnabas Jupiter, and Paul Mercurius.

The town clerk in the theatre said to the excited crowd, "These men are neither robbers of churches, nor yet blasphemers of your goddess."

Diana was appealed to for women in childbirth; Mercurius for the healing of cutaneous diseases (_herpes_), probably because he carried a _herpe_, or short sword, also, at times, the caduceus; and Jupiter for various diseases. But to return to the times of Saul and David.

It seems that the business became overcrowded, and the vilest and most degraded of both sexes swelled the ranks of sorcerers, astrologers, and spiritualists, until every class and condition of people became impregnated with these beliefs, from kings to the lowest subject. Finally, the strong arm of the law laid hold of them, and the edict went forth that "a witch shall not live," that "a wizard shall be put to death," and that "the soothsayer be stoned."

Nevertheless, the wretches continued to practise their deceptions, but less openly for a time, and they are made mention of throughout the sacred writings, until "the closing of the canon."

But the Scriptures are almost totally silent on surgery, and the remedies resorted to by those pretending to the science--as also by physicians and priests--were such as to lead us to believe that their _materia medica_ was very limited. Under the head of Ridiculous Prescriptions, we shall mention these remedies:--

The earliest record we find of surgical operations in the Old Testament is in Judges xix. 29,--a "capital operation," we may judge, for the account informs us that the patient, a woman, "was divided into twelve pieces."

Turning to the profane writers for information, we plunge into an abyss of uncertainty, with this exception; that the practice of medicine--it could not be called a science--was still in the hands of the priesthood, and partook largely of the fabulous notions of the age, being connected almost entirely with idolatries and humbuggeries. The cunning priests caused the rabble, from first to last, to believe that all disease was inflicted, not from the violation of the laws of nature, but by some angry and outraged divinity, whose wrath must be appeased by bribes (_paid to the priests_), by incantations, and absurd ceremonies, or else the afflicted victim must die a painful death, and forever after suffer a more horrible eternity. The priests' receiving the pay reminds us of the following little anecdote.

A very pious man, recently congratulating a convalescing patient upon his recovery, asked his friend who had been his physician.

"Dr. Blank brought me safely through," was his reply.

"No, no," said the friend, "God brought you out of this affliction, and healed you,--not the doctor."

"Well," replied the man, "may be he did; but I am sure that the doctor will charge me for it."

The offices of priest and physician were united among the Jews, Heathens, Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans. The Druids (from _draoi_, magician) ruled and ruined the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. The people of these nations looked up to the priests as though life and death and immortality hung only upon their lips. Among our aborigines we have also examples of the double office of priest and "medicine man." And it is an astonishing fact, that notwithstanding the ignorance of the pretenders to healing, or the ridiculousness of the prescriptions, or the exorbitant fees, the rabble of the age relied upon them with the most implicit confidence. If the patient recovered, the priests--embodying the gods--had restored them by their great skill and the favor of some particular divinity, and so were worshipped, and again rewarded with other fees to offer sacrifices to the individual god who was supposed to favor the priest or wizard. If he died it was the will of the gods that it should so be, and the friends lost none of their faith in the abilities of their medical and spiritual advisers.

The priests could not be disposed of so easily as the witches and wizards were supposed to have been, for they kept the people under greater fear, and held the balance of power in their own hands. The only difference between the priests and wizards was, that the former _claimed_ to exercise their arts by the power of the gods, while the latter were said to be assisted by the evil spirits. The priests claimed this in the times of Christ, and tried to persuade the rabble that he was assisted by Beelzebub. While the grasping priesthood professed poverty and self-denial, they were continually enriching themselves by robberies and extortions upon the ignorant and superstitious common people.

A mirth-provoking anecdote is told of Robin Hood and two friars, which we cannot forbear relating here as illustrative of the above assertion. If our readers regard stories from such a source as very uncertain, we have only to reply that we are now dealing with "uncertainties."

"One day, Robin disguised himself as a friar, and went out on the highway. Very soon he met two priests, to whom he appealed for charity in the blessed Virgin's name.

"'That we would do, were it in our power,' they replied.

"'I fear you are so addicted to falsehood, I cannot believe that you have no money, as you say. However, let us all down on our marrow bones, and pray the Virgin to send us some money.'

"'No, no,' replied the priests; 'it is of no use.'

"'What! have you no faith in your patron saint? Down, I say, and pray.'

"In fear, down fell the two priests, and Robin by their side, and all prayed most lustily.

"'Now feel in your pockets,' said Robin, rising.

"'There is nothing,' they replied, plunging their hands deep into their cloaks.

"'Down again, and pray harder,' shouted Robin, drawing his sword.

"Down they fell, and mumbled over their Latin, but declared the gods had sent them nothing.

"'I do not believe you,' said Robin; 'you ever were a pack of liars. Let each stand a search, that we deceive not each other.' So Robin turned his own empty pockets wrong side out, then compelled the friars to follow suit, when lo! out fell five hundred pieces of gold.

"When Robin saw this glorious sight, he berated the priests soundly, and taking the gold, went away to Sherwood, and made merry at the expense of the church."

About 1185 B. C. we find among the Grecians some traces of what was termed the healing art. But fact and fable, history and mythology, are so mixed and blended, that it is impossible to gain any reliable information so far back.

Chiron is made mention of as having acquired much celebrity as a physician. It is claimed that he was learned in the arts and sciences, that he taught astronomy to Hercules, music to Apollo, and medicine to Æsculapius, who came from Egypt. From what can be gleaned, of reliability, it seems that he employed simple medicines, and possessed some knowledge of dressing wounds and reducing fractures and dislocations; but no doubt he pretended to greater things than the times would warrant, for, when shot by an arrow from the bow of Hercules, his former pupil, he was unable to heal the wound, and begged Jupiter to "set him up" among the stars, which request was complied with, and Chiron was translated to the heavens, where he still shines in the constellation Sagittarius, represented as a centaur, with drawn bow, driving before him the other eleven signs of the zodiac.

We have alluded to Æsculapius, and, passing over all others of his class, we come to the times of Hippocrates.

Hippocrates is rightly called the "Father of Medicine," for he was the first to raise medicine to a science. We mention him without classing him with humbugs; but Menecrates, who flourished about the same time, arrived at great notoriety by ruse and deception. He was "famous for vanity and arrogance." He went about accompanied by some patients, whom he claimed to have cured, as proofs of his great ability. One he disguised as Apollo, another he arrayed in the habit of Æsculapius, and sent them abroad to sound his praise, while he took upon himself the garb, and assumed the character, of Jupiter.

Pliny says that medicine was the last of the sciences introduced into Rome, and that the Septimont City was six hundred years without a regular physician. Archagathus, a Grecian, settled in Rome about 300 B. C., and if he was a fair sample of those who followed him, it had been better for Rome that it had remained another six hundred years "without a regular physician." He introduced cruel and painful escharotics, and made free use of the knife and the lancet. He was a humbug of the first water, and a quack besides, and as such he was banished in a few years.

The Christian era introduced some light into the medical, as well as the religious world; yet we learn, by both sacred and profane writers, that truth and knowledge were the exceptions, and ignorance and humbug were the rule by which medicine was practised by those who pretended to the art. Names changed, characters remained the same.

The priests still held their own, and were not, as already shown, to be gotten rid of, as the witches and wizards, their rivals and imitators, by litigation, nor was their power broken until the Decree of the Council of Tours in 1163 A. D., which prohibited priests and deacons from performing certain surgical operations.

After the Reformation the vocations of spiritual and medical adviser diverged wider and wider, until now a priest or minister is seldom consulted for bodily infirmities, and only by persons of the most ignorant and superstitious denominations.

Setting the priesthood aside did not suppress humbugs in medicine. In fact the profession went into disrepute, which the priests hastened, and a lower order of people took upon themselves the practice of deceiving the sick and afflicted. Now and then a greater humbug than common would spring up, and for a time draw the rabble after him, till the next arose to eclipse him.

From the discovery of America to about 1600, ambitious upstarts, humbugs, and seekers of fame and fortune were drawn away from the old world, and either for this reason, or because the biographers were attracted to a more interesting field, accounts of medical celebrities are very meagre; but from the latter period to the present day there has been no lack of records from which to draw our material.

During the 17th and 18th centuries medical impostors had things all their own way. Ignorance was no hinderance to advancement, socially or pecuniarily. Some men published, in their own names, voluminous works, in both English and Latin, which they themselves could not read. By soft words and cunning arts others gained high positions, and, without knowledge of the first branch of medical science, became "court physicians."

From the lowest walks, they rose up on every side: from the cobbler's bench, and the tailor's board; from cutting up meat in the butcher's shop, to "cutting up" naughty boys in a pedagogue's capacity; from shaving the unwashed rabble behind the striped barber's pole, to shaving their wives behind counters, where they measured the cloth of the weaver, they became cobblers of poor healths, butchers of men, and shavers of the invalided public. But these will be discoursed of under another head.

We here offer one proof of this state of affairs by a quotation from the original charter of the first College of Physicians, granted by Henry VIII., which reads, "Before this period a great multitude of ignorant persons, of which the greater part had no insight into physic, _nor into any other kind of learning_,--some could not even read the Book,--so far forth that common artificers, as smiths, weavers, and women boldly and accustomedly took upon themselves great cures, to the high displeasure of God, great infamy of the faculty, and the grievous hurt, damage, and destruction of many of the king's liege people."

The meetings of this august body (College of Physicians) were held at the house of Dr. Linacre. "He was a gentleman of distinction, both as a physician and scholar." He became disgusted with physic, and took "holy orders" five years before his death. He was one of the original petitioners of the charter, which complained that the above rabble of doctors could not read the Book (Bible). Now see the ignorance--the hypocrisy of the man!

Dr. Caius, who wrote his epitaph, says of Linacre, "He certainly was not a very profound theologian, for a short time before his death he read the New Testament for the first time, when, so greatly was he astonished at finding the rules of Christianity so widely at variance with their practice, that he threw down the sacred volume in a passion, saying, 'Either this is not gospel, or we are not Christians.'" This was just prior to 1600.

This Dr. Caius is supposed to be the same character whom Shakspeare introduced in his "_Merry Wives of Windsor_;" and as it is a fact patent to all that the great poet had no very exalted opinion of doctors, and would "throw physic to the dogs," it has been suggested that Caius was produced by him on that ground.

There are others of this and a later period, whom, though ranking amongst the greatest of humbugs, we defer mentioning here, but will notice in our chapter on quacks.

Mr. Jeaffreson, in his excellent work, "Book About Doctors," to which work I am indebted for several anecdotes, says,--

"The lives of three physicians--Sydenham, Sir Hans Sloane, and Heberden--completely bridge over the uncertain period between old empiricism and modern science."

The former, Dr. Thomas Sydenham, was born at Windford Eagle, Dorsetshire, England, in 1624, and was esteemed as an excellent physician and profound scholar of his day. Nothing is known of his boyhood. For a time he was a soldier. He was about forty years old when admitted a member of the College of Physicians. Dr. Richard Blackmore, his contemporary, who was but a pedagogue at the outstart himself, but afterwards knighted as Sir Richard, says of Dr. Sydenham, "He was only a disbanded officer, who entered upon the practice of medicine for a maintenance, without any preparatory learning." The fact of his possessing a diploma went for nothing, since Dr. Meyersbach obtained his about this time for a few shillings, and without the rudiments of an education, made a splendid living out of the credulity even of the most learned and fashionable classes of English society, and arrived at the height of honor and distinction.

The reader must admit that diplomas were cheap honors, when one was granted to a dog! A young English gentleman, for the sport of the thing, paid the price of a medical diploma soon after Dr. Meyersbach's was granted, and had it duly recorded in the archives of the college (Erfurth) as having been awarded to Anglicus Ponto.

"And who was Anglicus Ponto?"

"None other than the gentleman's dog--a fine mastiff."

But this question was not asked till too late to prevent the joke. It had the good effect, however, to raise at once the price of degrees.

Dr. Sydenham published several medical works, copies of which are now extant, but his pretensions to skill availed him but little in time of need. His prescriptions--some of them, at least--were very absurd, and during his latter years, while enjoying a lucrative practice, and possessing the utmost confidence of the _bon ton_, he suffered excruciating pains from the gout, which, with other complications, ended his days. "Physician, heal thyself."

Dr. Blackmore, an aspirant to medical fame, applied to Dr. Sydenham, while residing in Pall Mall, with the following inquiry:--

"What is the best course of study for a medical student?"

"Read Don Quixote," was Sydenham's reply. "It is a very good book. I read it yet." I find this in a biographical dictionary of 1779. While some biographers endeavor to pass this off as a joke, it is a well-known fact that the doctor was a sceptic in medicine, and those who knew him best believe that he meant just what he said.

On the arrival of Dr. Sloane in London, he waited on Dr. Sydenham, as being the great gun of the town at that time, and presented a letter of introduction, in which an enthusiastic friend had set forth Sloane's qualifications in glowing language, as being perfected in anatomy, botany, and the various branches of medicine. Sydenham finished the letter, threw it on the table, eyed the young man very sharply, and said,--

"Sir, this is all very fine, on paper--very fine; but it won't do. Anatomy! botany! Nonsense. Why, sir, I know an old woman in Covent Garden who better understands botany; and as for anatomy, no doubt my butcher can dissect a joint quite as well. No, no, young man; this is all stuff. You must go to the bedside; it is only there that you can learn disease."

In spite of this mortifying reception, however, Sydenham afterwards took the greatest interest in Dr. Sloane, frequently taking the young man with him in his chariot on going his rounds.

In "Lives of English Physicians," the author, in writing of Dr. Sydenham, says, "At the commencement of his practice, it is handed down to us, that it was his ordinary custom, when consulted by patients for the first time, to hear attentively their story, and then reply, "Well, I will consider your case, and in a few days will prescribe something for you;" thereby gaining time to look up such a case. He soon learned that this deliberation would not do, as some forgot to return after "a few days," and to save his fees he was obliged, _nolens volens_, to prescribe on the spot.

A further proof of his contemptible opinion of deriving knowledge from books, as expressed above to Dr. Blackmore, is exemplified and corroborated in an address to Dr. Mapletoft (1675).

"The medical art could not be learned so well and surely as by use and experience, and that he who would pay the nicest and most accurate attention to the symptoms of distempers, would succeed best in finding out the true means of cure."

"Riding on horseback," he says, in one of his books, "will cure all diseases except confirmed consumption." How about curing gout?

A very amusing, though painful picture, is drawn by Dr. Winslow, a reliable author of the seventeenth century, in his book, "Physic and Physicians:"--

"Dr. Sydenham suffered extremely from the gout. One day, during the latter part of his life, he was sitting near an open window, on the ground floor of his residence in St. James Square, inspiring the cool breeze on a summer's afternoon, and reflecting, with a serene countenance and great complacency on the alleviation of human misery that his skill enabled him to give. Whilst this divine man was enjoying this delicious reverie, and occasionally sipping his favorite beverage from a silver tankard, in which was immersed a sprig of rosemary, a sneak thief approached, and seeing the helpless condition of the old doctor, stole the cup, right before his eyes, and ran away with it. The doctor was too lame to run after him, and before he could stir to ring and give alarm the thief was well off."

This reminds one of a story of an old man who stood in a highway, leaning on his staff, and crying, in a feeble, croaking voice, "Stop thief! stop thief!"

"What is the matter, sir?" inquired a fellow, approaching.

"O, a villain has stolen my hat from my head, and run away."

"Your hat!" looking at the bare head; "why didn't you run after him?"

"O, my dear sir, I can't run a step. I am very lame."

"Can't run! then here goes your wig." And so saying, the fellow caught the poor old man's wig, and scampered away at the top of his speed.

Dr. Sydenham died December 29, 1689. He could not be termed a quack, but certainly he was a consummate humbug.

An author, before quoted, after copying a description of the "poor physician" of the age, adds,--

"How it calls to mind the image of Dr. Oliver Goldsmith, when, with a smattering of medical knowledge and a German diploma, he tried to pick out of the miseries and ignorance of his fellow-creatures the means of keeping soul and body together! He, too, poet and doctor, would have sold a pot of rouge to a faded beauty, or a bottle of hair dye, or a nostrum warranted to cure the bite of a mad dog."

"Set a rogue to catch a rogue." And to this principle we are indebted for the exposition of many fallacies and humbugs pursued by early physicians in order to gain practice.

"Dr. Radcliffe," says Dr. Hannes, "on his arrival in London, employed half of the porters in town to call for him at the coffee-houses (a famous resort of physicians of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries) and places of public resort, so that his name might become known."

On the other hand, Radcliffe accused Dr. Hannes of the same trick a few years later. Doctors were doctors' own worst enemies. Instead of standing by each other of the same school, in lip service, or passing by each other's errors and imperfections in silence, as they do nowadays, they quarrelled continually, accusing each other of the very tricks they practised themselves.

Of Dr. Meade it was confidently asserted, that without practice at first, he opened extensive correspondence with all the nurses and midwives in his vicinity, associated and conversed with apothecaries and gossips, who, hoping for his trade, would recommend him as a skilful practitioner. The ruse worked, and soon the doctor found his calls were _bona fide_. This is a trick that some American physicians we know of may have learned from Dr. Meade. Certainly they know and practise the deception.

When Dr. Hannes went to London, he opened the campaign with a coach and four. The carriage was of the most imposing appearance, the horses were the best bloods, sleek and high-spirited, the harnesses and caparisons of the richest mountings of silver and gold, with the most elegant trimmings.

"By Jove, Radcliffe!" exclaimed Meade, "Dr. Hannes' horses are the finest I have ever seen."