Chapter I

THE GIBSON BOOK

A COLLECTION OF THE PUBLISHED WORKS OF

CHARLES DANA GIBSON

IN TWO VOLUMES
Vol. II

NEW YORK: CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS
R. H. RUSSELL
1906

Acknowledgment is here made to Messrs. Harper & Brothers (the publishers of seven of Mr. Gibson’s books), by special arrangement with whom this work is made possible.

Copyright, 1894, by R. H. Russell & Son.

Copyright, 1894, 1898, 1899, 1900, 1901, 1902, by Robert Howard Russell.

Copyright, 1897, 1903, 1904, 1905, 1906, by Charles Scribner’s Sons.

_ELEVEN_
GIBSON BOOKS
_IN_
TWO VOLUMES]

MISS BABBLES BRINGS A COPY OF A MORNING PAPER, AND EXPRESSES HER
INDIGNATION AND SYMPATHY OVER A SCURRILOUS ARTICLE. MEANWHILE OTHER
FRIENDS ARE CALLING UPON THE EDITOR.
]

I CAN HEAR NOTHING.]

_She_: I AM SO ANXIOUS TO HAVE THESE THEATRICALS A SUCCESS. IF THE MEMBERS ARE ONLY ENTHUSIASTIC, IT WILL BE.

_He_: HAVE NO FEAR. EVERY MAN IN IT IS TO MAKE LOVE TO ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE.]

IF YOU ARE DULL YOURSELVES, DON’T HAVE YOUR DINNER TOO LONG.]

_She_: WE ARE TOO POOR TO MARRY.

“BUT I AM WORTH A MILLION, BAH JOVE!”

“TRUE. BUT IF YOU WERE WORTH TWO MILLIONS, WE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF THAN THOSE WHO HAVE ONLY ONE.”]

“WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? WE BOTH BELIEVED THEM.”]

MRS. BOUNDERS KEPT HER HUSBAND UP LATE ONCE TOO OFTEN.

HE IS NOW TAKING HIS EASE IN A SANITARIUM.]

“ISN’T SHE CHARITABLE?”

“NO, SHE REFUSED ME.”]

“OF WHAT?”

“THAT YOU MAY BE SINCERE.”]

_He_: YOU’LL HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY BEFORE YOU WILL MEET ANYONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE THAN I.

_She_: WELL, I’M WILLING TO.]

FROM THE SUSCEPTIBLE PARSON’S POINT OF VIEW.]

FOR LITTLE HOPKINS, WHO THOUGHT SHE MEANT IT FOR HIM.]

“BUT SOMETHING MIGHT BE MADE OF HIM.”

“NO, HE LISTENS WITH HIS MOUTH.”]

AS THE LAST GUEST GOES--THANK HEAVEN!]

AN IMITATION OF THE LADY OF THE HOUSE.]

_Time: Any morning at 4:15._

MR. MEEKER, HAVING BEEN KEPT UP LATE FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS AND REBUKED FOR HIS LACK OF INTEREST, DEVELOPS A SUDDEN ENTHUSIASM. MRS. MEEKER AND THE GIRLS NOW DO THE WAITING.]

AT A DRAMATIC AGENCY.]

AT THE LAST MOMENT, SEVERAL WHO WERE INVITED SEND THEIR REGRETS.]

_He_: WOULD YOU MIND IF I JOINED ANOTHER CLUB?

“OH, NO, DEAR! WILL IT KEEP YOU AWAY FROM HOME ANY MORE?”]

“MOTHER, DEAR MOTHER, COME HOME WITH ME NOW.”]

SHE CANNOT TALK, SHE CANNOT SING,
SHE LOOKS A FRIGHT; BUT FOLKS AVER
TEN MILLIONS HAVE BEEN SET APART
TO TALK AND SING AND LOOK FOR HER.
]

HAVE PLATE GLASS FRONTS TO THE OPERA BOXES? THE OCCUPANTS COULD STILL BE SEEN, BUT NOT HEARD.]

_Mrs. Innittor Dedd’s maid reads_: “AMONG THOSE PRESENT WAS MRS. INNITTOR DEDD, WHOSE LOVELY FACE AND SPLENDID FIGURE WERE ENHANCED BY A TIARA OF DIAMONDS AND THREE ROPES OF PEARLS. SHE WORE HER FAMOUS RUBIES AND WAS EVEN MORE REGAL THAN AT THE BULLYON’S BALL THE NIGHT BEFORE,” ETC., ETC.]

KEEP YOUR ENTERTAINMENT WITHIN THE MENTAL GRASP OF YOUR GUESTS.]

AN INTERESTING DISCUSSION BETWEEN THE AUTHOR OF “THE BARENNESS OF UNKISSED KISSES” AND A FAMOUS DRAMATIST.]

_Professor Bung_: A BEAUTY? WELL, PERHAPS SHE IS.

_Mr. Rattles_: WHY, MAN, HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED THE DIVINE WAY SHE SMILES?

“OH, I’M NOT ALTOGETHER UNOBSERVANT. I HAVE MADE A CALCULATION, IN FACT, THAT THE ENERGY EXPENDED ON HER SMILES, IF SCIENTIFICALLY APPLIED, WOULD RUN AN AUTOMOBILE.”]

“I DON’T, EH? HAVEN’T I BEEN TO EVERY PLAY, READ EVERY POPULAR NOVEL IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS, GOT INTO DEBT HOPELESSLY, HAD MY APPENDIX REMOVED, AND ALL FOR YOUR SAKE?”]

SHOWING THAT A MAN MAY BE A HERO IN HIS OWN HOUSE.]

BASKING IN THE GOLDEN SUNSHINE.]

FOR ILL-ASSORTED PAIRS.]

THERE WAS A CROOKED MAN,
WHO MADE A CROOKED DEAL,
AND GOT A CROOKED FORTUNE
BY A VERY CROOKED STEAL;
HE HAD A CROOKED WIFE,
WITH A VERY CROOKED NAME,
AND NOW THEY LIVE APART
IN VERY CROOKED FAME.]

WHILE A SPANISH-AMERICAN HERO DESCRIBES THE HORRORS OF WAR.]

“BUT IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE WHEN YOUR HEART ISN’T IN YOUR WORK.”]

“WHERE DO YOU GO ON YOUR WEDDING TRIP?”

“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WONDERING.”]

WHILE UNCLE JOE HAS HIS TIE FIXED.]

WHILE THE HOSTESS WHISPERS TO JONES, “REMEMBER, NOW, WE ARE COUNTING ON YOU TO MAKE US LAUGH.”]

THE AUTHOR AND THE SOUBRETTE.]

“MAMMA WILL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.”]

THE FIRST DRAWING OF THIS SERIES GIVES A NECESSARILY IMPERFECT PORTRAIT OF THE HERO, SINCE HE IS DISCOVERED IN THE ACT OF CARRYING ON TWO CONVERSATIONS AT A TIME.]

THE SECOND DRAWING GIVES US NO BETTER PORTRAIT OF THE HERO THAN THE FIRST. WE MAY CONJECTURE, HOWEVER, THAT, BEING A BACHELOR, THE EXPERIENCE DEPICTED IN THE FIRST DRAWING HAS IMPAIRED THE YOUNG MAN’S SLEEP. HE PROBABLY IMAGINES HIMSELF THE LATEST VICTIM OF SOME FAIR ENTOMOLOGIST.]

IN THE THIRD DRAWING OF THIS SERIES WE GET A PORTRAIT OF THE HERO. BUT HE IS AGAIN IN A DISTRESSING DILEMMA. JUST AS HE IS ADVISED BY HIS PHYSICIAN TO AVOID ALL EXCITEMENT, A YOUNG PERSON ENTERS AND HE DEVELOPS FURTHER ALARMING SYMPTOMS, WHEREUPON AN IMMEDIATE CHANGE OF SCENE IS PRESCRIBED.]

IN PURSUANCE OF THE ADVICE OF HIS PHYSICIANS, OUR HERO STARTS ON HIS JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF REST, BUT AT THE VERY OUTSET FINDS HIMSELF CONFRONTED BY ANOTHER DISTRESSING CIRCUMSTANCE: HIS SEAT IN THE PARLOR CAR IS NEXT TO MISS PEACHEM, FOR WHOM HE HAS ALWAYS HAD THE MOST PROFOUND REGARD.]

ARRIVING AT HIS JOURNEY’S END, HE MEETS AN OLD FRIEND WHO INSISTS ON TAKING HIM HOME AND INTRODUCING HIM TO HIS DAUGHTERS.]

AFTER A VAIN SEARCH FOR REST AND QUIET, HE FALLS INTO A MOST SENSITIVE CONDITION AND SUFFERS FROM THE COLD.]

HE TAKES A HAND AT BRIDGE AND HAS DIFFICULTY IN KEEPING HIS MIND ON THE GAME, WITH THE RESULT THAT HE REPEATEDLY TRUMPS HIS PARTNER’S TRICKS.]

HE GOES TO THE PLAY, BUT FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BECOME INTERESTED IN THE PIECE.]

HE SUDDENLY LOSES ALL INTEREST IN FOOT-BALL.]

HAVING DETERMINED TO SETTLE DOWN, WE LEAVE HIM IN THE ACT OF DECIDING UPON AN OBJECT FOR AFFECTION.]

WHEN SHE REFUSED HIM HE VOWED HE WOULD NEVER MARRY.]

ALMOST IN.]

WHEN WOMEN ARE JURORS.]

_Miss New York_: “NO: FOR IF I DID MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER LET ME READ IT.”]

“WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?”

“NEXT WEEK.”]

WHEN A DEBUTANTE MEETS THE ELIGIBLE YOUNG MEN OF HER MOTHER’S ACQUAINTANCE.]

JUST BEFORE HE AWOKE.]

“ISN’T ONE AS GOOD AS THE OTHER?”

“YES, BUT SHE CAN’T TELL IN ADVANCE WHICH IS THE CHEAPER.”]

“BUT I HAD YOU IN MIND ALL THE TIME.”]

_Young Tutter_ (_to Hostess_): “I HAVE HAD A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. BUT THEN I ALWAYS MANAGE TO ENJOY MYSELF, NO MATTER WHERE I AM.”]

WHILE AN OLD GENTLEMAN LISTENS TO SOME OF HIS SON’S CLASSMATES.]

ANOTHER COLLISION WITH SERIOUS RESULTS.]

A POSSIBILITY OF THE FUTURE WHEN SOCIETY SHALL HAVE BECOME THOROUGHLY UNIONIZED.]

“IT’S NO LAUGHING MATTER TO BE REJECTED BY A MILLION DOLLARS!”

“WELL, I DON’T KNOW. YOU SEE, OLD MAN, SHE’S JUST ACCEPTED ME.”]

“BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HIM.”

“GOOD! YOU’RE JUST THE MAN.”]

“ADVISE ME, UNCLE JACK.”

“OF COURSE; WHAT IS IT?”

“SHALL I ASK YOU FOR TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS, OR FOR FIFTY?”]

_Ethel_ (_ecstatically_): “OH, CHARLIE, WOULD YOU JUST AS LEAVE PROPOSE ALL OVER AGAIN, AND DO IT INTO THIS PHONOGRAPH?”

_Cholly_: “WHY?”

_Ethel_: “WHY, I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER YOU BY AFTER YOU HAVE GONE IN AND SPOKEN TO PAPA ABOUT IT.”]

THE MAN BEHIND THE PAPER VENTURED THE OPINION THAT SHE MIGHT DO.]

A FRIEZE FOR AN OLD GENTLEMAN’S ROOM.]

_To the company_: “I beg you to excuse our maid. These accidents happen to her somewhat overfrequently. She was bred, I believe, a dairymaid, but had to leave that employment because of her inability to handle the cows without breaking off their horns.”]

IF YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR PRESENCE FELT BY YOUR BRAINS, DO IT WITH YOUR FEET.]

WHEN SPEAKING TO YOUR FIANCÉE’S FATHER ASSUME AN EASY POSTURE AND ADOPT A FRIENDLY MANNER.]

DAUBSON SHOWS HIS LATEST WORK.]

COMPLICATIONS OFTEN ARISE THAT NO AMOUNT OF MEDICINE WILL CURE.]

“HELLO! HELLO! BIG STRIKE IN CONSOLIDATED CATAMOUNT--CAN MARRY--WANT THREE DAYS’ OPTION HAND AND HEART.”

_She_: WILL GIVE REFUSAL.]

IF YOU WISH TO GET ON, DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THOSE WHO ENTERTAIN.]

SUITABLE FOR A BACHELOR APARTMENT.]

THE “CHORUS GIRL’S” VISIT HOME.]

FOLLOW YOUR CARD UPSTAIRS AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY REALLY THINK OF YOU.]

THE OTHER MAN SHOULD REMEMBER THAT HE IS A CROWD.]

THESE YOUNG GIRLS WHO MARRY OLD MILLIONAIRES SHOULD STOP DREAMING.]

“ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME.”]

IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.]

SEQUEL TO AN UNPROFITABLE THEATRICAL SEASON.]

“STOUT? OH, DEAR, NO!!!”]

_Cousin Kate_: “NOW THAT YOU ARE WELL OFF, CHARLIE, YOU MUSTN’T LET THEM SAY OF YOU, ‘A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED.’”

_Cousin Charles_: “NO, YOU BET I WON’T. I’LL SHOW THEM THAT I AM AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.”]

MR. TAGG GRACEFULLY SUBMITS TO AN INTERVIEW.]

ASSISTED BY HIS INSTRUCTOR, “PATSY, THE PUGG,” HE DEMONSTRATES TO SOME TITLED FOREIGNERS THE FINE POINTS OF THE GAME.]

MR. TAGG, AS HOST, WISHES TO BECOME PERMANENTLY IDENTIFIED WITH CERTAIN IMPORTANT PEOPLE OF FASHION.]

MR. TAGG GIVES A MUSICALE AND TAKES PLEASURE IN INTRODUCING TWO RIVAL TENORS.]

MR. TAGG IS FASCINATED BY WASHINGTON SOCIETY AND DECIDES TO GO INTO POLITICS. HE ENJOYS A VISION OF HIMSELF AT THE COURT OF ST. JAMES.]

MR. TAGG IS PERSUADED TO RUN FOR OFFICE.]

MR. TAGG FINDS IT EXPENSIVE AND AFTER ALL WONDERS IF IT HELPS HIM SOCIALLY.]

MISS TAGG EXPLAINED THE GAME TO HER UNCLE, WHO IS GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE EXERCISE.]

MR. TAGG LEARNS THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MARRY AN AMERICAN.]

UNCLE TAGG MAKES A NEW WILL.]

EVEN NATURE RESPONDS.]

“BUT THAT’S MY REGULAR BUSINESS.”]

SHOWING A NEWLY ENGAGED COUPLE AT A LARGE DINNER PARTY.]

“WELL, GOVERNOR, IT WAS WORTH IT.”]

“NO, MOTHER, THIS BOOK IS NOT AT ALL FIT FOR YOU TO SEE.” “BUT YOU ARE READING IT!” “AH, BUT WE WERE BROUGHT UP SO DIFFERENTLY.”]

“OH, VERY. I AM GOING, IF POSSIBLE, TO GET OUT OF MARRYING HER.”]

“I’M SO TIRED. LET’S DANCE.”]

“_I have persuaded your daughter to marry me._”]

_Stage Manager_: “THE AUDIENCE.”]

A DESCRIPTION OF THE EVENT BY AN EYE-WITNESS.]

“ABOUT WHAT TIME WAS IT?”]

_Mr. Eubeedee_: “YES, I’VE CHANGED A GOOD DEAL SINCE THEN, MRS. JONES.”

“AND FOR THE BETTER, I TRUST.”

“THEY USED TO CALL ME A WILD YOUTH, YOU REMEMBER; BUT NOW---- ”

“NOW?”

“NOW THEY CALL ME AN OLD REPROBATE.”]

“DON’T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SEND OUR BELOVED PASTOR ABROAD?”

“BUT HE WOULDN’T STAY.”]

“INDEED IT DOES. IF I ACCEPTED YOU, YOU _might_ REFORM.”]

DEDICATED TO THE EMPLOYERS OF CHILDREN.]

“DEAR ME, NO. ONLY IN A BUSINESS WAY. I MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER.”]

_Mrs._: “HOW DID YOU MANAGE IT?”

“I TOLD HER IT WOULD BE COWARDLY TO LEAVE ME ALONE.”]

“BUT SUPPOSE NOTHING DOES HAPPEN TO YOU?”]

_He_: “YES, I REMEMBERED YOU AT ONCE AS THE GIRL I WAS ENGAGED TO IN THE MOUNTAINS SOME SEASONS AGO.”

“WHAT A REMARKABLE MEMORY FOR FACES YOU HAVE, HAVEN’T YOU?”

“NO--FOR RINGS.”]

“I HAVE NO SET RULE. I MERELY TRY, WITH ALL THE POWER THERE IS IN ME, TO MAKE AS BIG AN ASS OF MYSELF AS POSSIBLE.”]

IT ISN’T ALWAYS THE GIRL THAT IS THOUGHTLESS.]

BRIDGET ANNOUNCES THAT SHE IN ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.]

DEDICATED TO PEOPLE LIVE IN FLATS.]

DEDICATED TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN LONG ENGAGEMENTS.]

_Gabberley_: “SINCE I BOUGHT MY PLACE HERE, PROPERTY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS DEPRECIATED TERRIBLY.”

“THAT’S NATURAL.”]

“THAT’S JUST LIKE A WOMAN, TO DISCUSS OUR PRIVATE AFFAIRS. IT WILL BE IN THE PAPERS NEXT.”]

SINCE HER ARRIVAL UNCLE TOM SPENDS CONSIDERABLE TIME IN THE NURSERY.]

“YOU ARE GOING ON A LONG, LONG JOURNEY.”]

A YOUNG LAWYER ARGUING HIS FIRST IMPORTANT CASE]

“WHO IS IT’S BROUGHT US HERE, I ASK YOU? WHO’S A-GRINDIN’ US UNDER THE IRON HEEL O’ DESPOTISM? I SAY TO YOU THE TIME HAS COME, WHEN---- ”]

“NO, MADAM, NOT _your_ PAST. YOU WILL HAVE TO HIRE ME BY THE DAY.”]

IF THE WOMEN WEAR CROWNS, WHY SHOULDN’T THE MEN?]

SEE ELDERLY BACHELOR IN HIS GREAT DOUBLE ROLE, MORE PARTICULAR AND LESS DESIRABLE IN “CHOOSING A WIFE”]

“NO, SIR! I’VE BEEN TRYING _not_ TO.”]

“IS YOUR HUSBAND VERY CONFIDENTIAL WITH YOU?”

“VERY! HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING HE SUSPECTS I’VE FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM.”]

“YES. I WANT HIM TO LEARN ENOUGH ABOUT THE BUSINESS TO LET IT ALONE AFTER I DIE.”]

MR. MASHER AS CAPT. IRRESISTIBLE IN THE LADY KILLER]

AN OLD GENTLEMAN DESCRIBES HIS GRANDCHILDREN]

“I SHOULD SAY SO! MY WIFE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THEIR ABSENCE TO DRESS ABOUT TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN SHE REALLY IS.”]

“I SAID, MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN INDULGENTLY BROUGHT UP, AND WAS USED TO LUXURY, AND I COULD NOT CONSENT TO HER BECOMING THE WIFE OF A LITERARY MAN. AND HE SAID, DAMME, HIS LAST BOOK HAD SOLD A MILLION COPIES AND BROUGHT HIM IN OVER THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! WHAT’S A MAN TO DO A CASE LIKE THAT? HE’S GOT MORE BOOKS MAKING, HE SAYS. I SHALL HAVE TO LET THE FOOLISH GIRL THROW HERSELF AWAY ON HIM, IF SHE WANTS TO.”]

A CANDIDATE FOR POST-GRADUATE HONORS]

“MAKE THE BEST BARGAIN YOU CAN, MY DEAR.”]

“What’s that for?”

“He wants to complete his education.”]

(SCENE IN ANY HOTEL CORRIDOR)]

“I’M WILLING TO, POP, IF YOU WILL GET ANY PLEASURE OUT OF IT.”]

“I’LL BE A SISTER TO YOU”]

“NO, I’M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THEY COME BACK FROM THEIR HONEYMOON AND GET SETTLED DOWN.”]

WIFE: THE ICE DOESN’T LOOK VERY STRONG DOES IT?

PERHAPS YOU’D BETTER TRY IT; YOU KNOW YOU WEIGH MORE THAN I DO.]