Chapter I: Front Matter

THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY.

Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2

By George W. Peck

1883

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

VARIEGATED DOGS--THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE ROOF--A MAN DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT--THE OLD MAN WANTS SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER--THE DYER'S DOGS--PROCESSION OF THE DOGS--PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE--“WELL, I'M DEM'd”--HIS PA DON'T APPRECIATE.

CHAPTER II.

HIS PA PLAYS JOKES--A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE--THE MAGIC BOUQUET--THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN--HIS PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT CHURCH--ONE FOR THE OLD MAID--A FIGHT ENSUES--THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE GROCERY man--A COMPROMISE.

CHAPTER III.

HIS PA STABBED--THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN--A BOOM IN LINIMENT--HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW--THE BAD BOY TURNS BURGLAR--THE OLD MAN STABBED--HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY--A GOOD SINGLE HANDED LIAR.

CHAPTER IV.

HIS PA BUSTED--THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK--WHAT'S A BILK?--THE PIOUS BILK--THE OLD MAN INVESTS--THE DEACONS AND EVEN THE HIRED GIRLS INVEST--HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE--GETTING A MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES.

CHAPTER V.

HIS PA AND DYNAMITE--THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER STOCK--FENIAN SCARE--“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE--THE FENIAN BOOM--“GREAT GOD, MANNER! WE ARE BLOWED UP!”--HIS MA HAS LOTS OF SAND--THE OLD MAN USELESS IN TROUBLE--THE DOG AND THE FALSE TEETH

CHAPTER VI.

HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN--THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED--HE GETS HOT--BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE--THE OLD MAN WEARS ORANGE ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY--HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE--THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY SCHOOL--INGERSOLL AND BEECHER VOTED OUT--MARY HAD A LAMB

CHAPTER VII.

HIS MA DECEIVES HIM--THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON--“WELL, IT'S A GIRL, IF YOU MUST KNOW”--THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION-- “SH-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”--“BY LOW, BABY”--THAT SETTLED IT WITH THE CAT--A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES ME TIRED

CHAPTER VIII.

THE BABY AND THE GOAT. THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE A FIRE ENGINE--“OLD NUMBER TWO”--BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK--? THE GOAT IS FRISKY--TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES--THE OLD MAN, THE HIRED GIRL, AND THE GOAT--THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER IN A LIVERY STABLE

CHAPTER IX.

A FUNERAL PROCESSION--THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES--“YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE MINISTER”--AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL--THE MINISTER TAKES THE LINES--AN EARTHQUAKE--AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS OVER--THE POLICEMAN FANS THE MINISTER--A MINISTER SHOULD HAVE SENSE

CHAPTER X.

THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BAD BOY HAVE A FUSS--THE BOHEMIAN BAND--THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A SERENADE--“BABY MINE”--THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT--THE BOHEMIANS CREATE A FAMINE--THE Y. M. C. A. ANNOUNCEMENT

CHAPTER XI.

GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES--THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED--THE BAD BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING--GOES INTO THE COLORING BUSINESS--THE OLD MAN THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED--UNCLE TOM AND TOPSY--THE OLD MAN ARRESTED--WHAT THE GROCERY MAN THINKS--THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE--RESOLVES TO BE GOOD

CHAPTER XII.

THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER--THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A DIFFERENT LIFE--MURDER IN THE AIR--THE OLD MAN AND HIS FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY--DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR WICKED YOUTH--THE CHICKEN COOP INVADED--THE OLD MAN TO THE RESCUE--THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED

CHAPTER XIII.

THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED. THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE--A POOR FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY--PROVES HIMSELF A GALLANT KNIGHT--THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE--THE GROCERY MAN MORALIZES--FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE--THE TABLES TURNED--THE OLD MAN WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES

CHAPTER XIV.

ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES--THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT THE Y. M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN--THE DELEGATES FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA WATER--TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA--THE NIGHT KEY--THE FALL OF THE FLOWER STAND--DELEGATES IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT--THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS WORKING HIS REFORMATION

CHAPTER XV.

HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA--ENTERS THE DRAMATIC PROFESSION--“WHAT'S A SUPER”--THE PRIVILEGES OF A SUPE'S FATHER--BEHIND THE SCENES--THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC'CULLOUGH--“IWAS THE POPULACE.”--PLAYS IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--“I PRITHEE, AU RESERVOIR, I GO HENS!”

CHAPTER XVI.

UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT. UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO BACKSLIDE--UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS--THEIR RECORD IS AWFUL--KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE--THE BED SLATS FIXED--THE OLD MAN TANGLED UP--THIS WORLD IS NOT RUN RIGHT--UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM TIRED

CHAPTER XVII.

HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK--THE GARDEN OF EDEN--THE ANCIENT DUDE--ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON--“I'M A THINKER FROM THINKERSVILLE”--THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON--ELIJAH AND ELISHA--THE PRODIGAL SON--A VEAL POT PIE FOR DINNER

CHAPTER XVIII.

THE DEPARTED ROOSTER. THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH--THE DEAD ROOSTER--A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH--THE TENDERNESS BETWEEN THE ROOSTER AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN--THE HEN RETIRES TO SET--THE CHICKENS--THE PROUD ROOSTER DIES--THE FICKLE HEN FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE

CHAPTER XIX.

ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN--UNCLE EZRA RETURNS--THE BASKET ON THE STEPS--THE ANONYMOUS LETTER--“O, BROTHER THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY!”--AN UGLY DUTCH BABY--THE OLD MAN WHEELS THE BABY NOW--A FROG IN THE OLD MAN'S BED

CHAPTER XX.

FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES. TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET--THE GROCERY MAN'S CAT THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL--ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY--GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE SOLDIER'S HOME--TERRIBLE. FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES--THE GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING

CHAPTER XXI.

WORKING ON SUNDAY. TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY--“NOT ANY GRINDSTONE FOR HENNERY!”--THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT--ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD MAN--HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT MIXED--THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS--THE MINISTER APPEARS--THE BAD BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE

CHAPTER XXII.

THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED. THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING AGAIN--THINKS BETTING IS HARMLESS--HAD TO WALK HOME FROM CHICAGO--THE SPECTACLES CHANGED--A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES--THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED--“HENNERY, YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY SICK MAN”--THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN

CHAPTER XXIII.

THE GROCERY MAN AND THE GHOST. GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS--A GRAND REHEARSAL--THE MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET--THE WATER MELON KNIFE--THE OLD MAN WANTED TO REHEARSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE--NO HUGGING ALLOWED--HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS--“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN IDIOT?”

CHAPTER XXIV.

THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG--THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG AND A BLACK EYE--WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?--ANGELS DON'T BREAK DOGS' LEGS--A WOMAN WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH ST. PETER--ANOTHER BURGLAR SCARE--THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN SCARED

CHAPTER XXV.

THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL--WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?--KING SOLOMON A FOOL--THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND WIVES--HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION--300 BLONDES--600 BRUNETTES, ETC.--A THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE CREAM--“I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND”

CHAPTER XXVI.

FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON--HE KNOWS WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH--HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM FLAX AROUND--AND HOW HE MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON

CHAPTER XXVII.

DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR--THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT HENNERY'S RESIGNATION--HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES--HIS CHUM JOINS HIM--THE SKUNK IN THE CELLAR--THE POOR BOY GETS THE “AGER.”