Chapter IX

It was with her mind utterly made up as to what course to take that she went to her ordeal. She was going to offer herself a little, white offering before the altar of the fetish which decrees that we shall keep our promises. Herding her to this doom were all the cruel things which we teach our young girls. In New England in my day we did not joke about engagements. In her innocence, having given her lover her mouth to be kissed and her hand to be held, and having promised to be his, she had definitely decided that in the sight of God she was his, and so she dressed herself in her best that she might please him.

I suppose that had I made up my mind to do what Ellen did at that age, I should have gone through to the iniquitous end, shut my eyes and quieted my rebellious spirit with sophistries. I should have done according to whichever part of the strange anomalous teaching which we give young girls that I believed in most. Had I believed most that it is the crime of crimes to marry without love, I should have frankly made up my mind to break the engagement, but had I believed that one may love but once, and that an engagement is a marriage of the spirit, and that in giving this I had given so much to one man that I had nothing left for any other,--it is strange, but this is still taught to girls to-day,--I should have traveled that terrible road. For girls as young as Ellen have to find their way around through a world that is hung with a cobweb of lies, which is put there to screen us from the real world. The suffering that the unlearning of these lies has given to girls of our class from all time is greater than the suffering through which we must pass to come to a wider religious belief.

Ellen might make up her mind as to what to do, but she lived by instincts. She writes about it:--

"I couldn't. All day I pretended to myself that I was glad he
was coming, and that as soon as I saw him everything would be
all right, but it is a terrible, awful thing. He cares. He put
his arms out toward me and said: 'Ellen, oh, Ellen!' All I could
say--I was so cruel, so stupid--was, 'Don't, don't'; and I meant
I didn't want him to touch me. And then he said, and it was
worse because he has grown much older looking, 'I don't
understand. What's the matter, Ellen?' I said, 'I can't marry
you; I don't love you.' He said: 'Why, what have I done?' What
could I tell him? It was just that he was he and I was I, and
that's no reason, and yet it is the only reason in the world
that you can't change, and that's why you love people and that's
why you don't love them. We both stood and just stared at each
other. While I looked at him all the color went out of his face
and it grew gray. 'When did it happen, Ellen?' he said. 'I don't
know,' I told him; 'it just went out.' 'You might have told me.'
'I meant never to tell you,' I said; and then his color all came
back to his face and this was worse than before. 'You meant to
marry me just the same? Then you _do_ care for me; it's just an
idea you've gotten; it's just because we have been apart so
long. Let's just go on just as you meant to, Ellen, if there is
no one else.' He opened his arms as if he wanted to hide me from
myself in them, but I don't know what happened to me. I just
said, 'No-no-no-no,' and ran out of the room, and out of the
house up into the orchard. I didn't notice, but threw myself
down under the tree and cried and cried. I don't know how long I
was there, but I heard my mother saying: 'Ellen, Ellen,' and the
sound of her footsteps coming toward me, but I couldn't stop
sobbing so that she wouldn't find me like that. She heard me and
came to me and said, 'Why, Ellen darling! Child, it is as wet as
a river here.' She felt my dress and at first it seemed to me
that it must be wet with my tears, but it was just the grass.
'What is it, Ellen?' she said to me, and I told her that we had
been engaged and that I had just seen Edward, and told him that
I didn't want to marry him; and she just folded me in her arms
and said, 'Why, darling, you needn't'; and she comforted me, and
I felt all safe from everything and just like a very little
girl. Not many people can feel like that with their mothers,
but I don't think unless you can that your mother's a mother to
you really. I couldn't go on feeling safe and rested forever.
I've broken faith with myself. I can't count on myself any more.
It's a terrible thing not to be able to count on people you
love, but it's worse not to be able to count on yourself. I
couldn't do what I thought was right; how do I know I will be
able to keep from doing what's wrong? I think I will try and
give up being good, because most of the things people think are
good I don't understand why. I might have saved myself all that
suffering and been happy and low-minded, comfortable and
contented, and I think I will be from now on."

I well remember this epoch in Ellen's life; she must have been between eighteen and nineteen when she gave up hope of herself and went out to be comfortable, low-minded, and happy, for she told me about this spiritual change in her. It was a crisis with Ellen, a spiritual crisis as important as the time in a boy's life when he makes a breach in the "Thou Shalt Nots" that have guarded him around, and surrenders himself to the heady wine of living and says to himself: "I am a sinner; now let's see what there is in sin."

Just about the time Ellen broke her engagement, a boy named Landry lay heavily on my conscience. At this time, also, Ellen was engaged and yet was unhappy, and yet all I knew about Ellen was that there was something weighing heavily on her mind, and all she knew about me was my outward principles in this matter and none of my inward storm and stress. I can remember very well the never-ending conversations we had at this time. I suppose all young girls who are not on terms of familiarity with their own souls thus cloak their real feelings from each other. For there is happily nothing more usual than that shivering, shrinking, spiritual modesty which can tell of no event in life that implicates another human being. Later the weaker women outgrow it shamefully, or the finer ones among us replace it with a beautiful frankness. There are some happy girls who have been so simply brought up that they have never felt the need for the ambiguities of life as Ellen and myself did. The facts of the case were these: Released from the torturing thought of Edward Graham, the breath of life blew through Ellen in a storm, while I was being discreetly courted by George Landry. I had never had a tumultuous suitor, on account of my being matter-of-fact in my attitude toward the boys I knew or instinctively withdrawing myself from any sentimental approach. But now this sentimentally inclined youth had called on me and shown a recurring disposition to try and hold my hand when we were alone together. We read a great deal of poetry also and with deep emphasis. Thus does Satan trick the unwary. I, Roberta, the straightforward; I, the hater of philandering, and who sincerely felt that a self-respecting woman should be proposed to only by a man she would willingly accept as her husband, read verses far-gazing at distant horizons and with gentle underscorings whose audacity set my heart to beating. That I had gone into this slow-moving and decorous little flight of sentiment seemed so contrary to my ideals that I felt I must give up my friend and his poetry-reading and forego the heart-throbbing performance of having my hand gently captured and as gently withdrawing it again, both of us apparently blankly unaware of the actions of our respective hands. Ellen and I would discuss our affairs in ambiguities like this:--

"There's a doom threatening me," Ellen would confess.

"A doom?" asked I, impressed by the sinister darkness of the word.

"Fate has tangled up my life," Ellen averred. "I have been deceived in myself, and now that I know what I am, I don't care."

"What sort of fate?" I then made bold to ask.

"One that will influence my whole life because it has made me glad I'm not good like I tried to be. I love the feeling of having gotten rid of goodness, Roberta"; and Ellen flashed me the smile of a naughty angel, and turned from me to wipe the nose of the youngest Sylvester baby, Prudentia, who accompanied us on our woodsy rambles. "Can you always decide everything in your life?"

"Indeed I cannot," I answered quickly. "I must give up a thing that's sweetest and dearest in life to me, and I can't decide to do it--I am not strong."

"Oh, Roberta!" Ellen cried out. "You are so much stronger than I, for I decided and did the opposite thing."

"What did you want to do?"

"The thing I did do," poor Ellen cried, tears welling up to her sweet eyes. "I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and yet before I so wanted to do what was right." Then, with her little fists pounding on the moss on which we were sitting, she said: "And mighty often, Roberta Hathaway, what people want to do seems to me the really right thing to do."

As I grow older, it seems to me so very often that what people want is really the right thing. There are so many needless sacrifices made in life,--sacrifices that do good to no one and cripple and maim one.

* * * * *

I might have saved myself the worry of giving up the "sweetest and dearest thing in life," for I had an experience which showed me what a solemn young fool I was.

If Ellen and I had this intense spiritual modesty, Janie Acres was not so afflicted. She was always prolific in detail of any sentimental adventure which she had, and was generally only quiet when she had nothing to tell. Ellen summed this characteristic up in her observation on Janie's character:--

"When Roberta and I don't say anything it is because we have too
much to say, but when Janie acts as if she knew how God made the
world, it is a sure sign she has nothing to tell."

Poor Janie Acres! Through all this long stretch of years I can see her perpetually heart-hungry, wishing for experiences her very eagerness denied her; longing for sympathy, companionship, and love, and when such things came her way, killing them. She had a curious jealousy which was kept from its full bloom by her confidence in herself. When Janie hadn't sufficient sentimental experiences she would invent them. And it was because of her inventions that my little experience which I was taking so seriously was turned to ashes before me.

This trait of Janie's was an incredible one to me. I, who so diligently hid all trace of any sentiment in my life, could never comprehend a temperament that would not only share all its secrets with its friends, but who also invented them; and it was only when Janie had repeatedly emphasized George Landry's attentions to her at moments when I had been reading poetry with him that I realized this. I listened with the gravest feeling of superiority to Janie's artless prattle. If George Landry walked up the street with her, it was an event. I think if she had refused to have him accompany her to a Sunday-School picnic she would have recounted it to us as the refusal of a proposal of marriage.

In some obscure way Janie's interest in George Landry quickened my own feeling and gave me emotions of vast superiority which were very bad for me. All this is brought vividly back to me by this page of Ellen's journal which recounts the final denouement:--

"We have been having an awful time this afternoon, and I don't
think that any of us will feel the same ever again. Roberta has
been crying in my arms and says she feels soiled, but she has
acted so nobly that it will be a comfort to her, because being
noble is always a comfort to Roberta--and to almost anybody
else. George Landry has been a friend of Roberta's for some
time, and when the other girls have joked her about it she has
been very stern, and I've believed everything Roberta has said
because I think it is horrid to do anything else. But Janie has
been talking about George, too, in the way she goes on about
anybody that notices her, only who could tell that Janie would
talk about those who don't notice her in the least? This
afternoon we were all talking together, and she began: 'Last
night George Landry came past my house and I pretended not to
notice him, and he stopped and said, "Can I come in?" And I
said, "No, it was too late."' 'What time was it?' asked Mildred
Dilloway. 'Oh, it was about eight o'clock, and he stayed and
talked and talked and leaned clear over the gate, and I kept
backing away, and if mother hadn't called me from the house,--'
Here Mildred broke in and said: 'Janie Acres! I don't see how
you can tell things like that! George Landry was at my house all
yesterday evening.' 'Well, it was the evening before that,' said
Janie. 'Well, it wasn't the evening before that,' said Mildred,
'because he was at my house all the evening before, too.' 'I
thought your mother was so particular,' began Janie; but Mildred
wouldn't let her change the subject the way Janie knows how to
do, and she said: 'The way you have gone on about George Landry
has almost made trouble between George and myself. It has made
me feel quite suspicious at times. But now I have caught you at
it.' Janie blushed very hard and said: 'You are very spiteful,
Mildred, about it. George Landry does like me and I haven't told
you anything that wasn't so. Perhaps it wasn't so late when he
leaned over my gate.' 'He wasn't anywhere near your old gate,'
said Mildred, 'and I might just as well tell you--' And here
Mildred, who is very soft when she loses her temper, and begins
to cry, did all these and made us all very much embarrassed.
'And I might as well tell you--and you can see how much you
have hurt me--he kissed me good-night. So you can see whether
it's nice of you to pretend that George Landry is interested in
you or not.' We were all perfectly quiet for a minute, and then
it was that Roberta made her great sacrifice. Mildred was still
crying from excitement and Janie was at a loss for something to
say for once, and looking very frowning-browed and jealous.
'Girls,' Roberta said, 'I have something to tell you. And you,
Mildred,--whether George has been attentive to Janie I don't
know, but--' 'He walked home with me yesterday afternoon,' said
Janie. 'He did not,' replied Roberta firmly; 'he did not. He was
at my house all yesterday afternoon, and we were reading poetry
and he held my hand.' If Roberta had been the least like
Mildred, she would have cried, too, but she stood there straight
and held her head up as beautiful as an avenging fate. What she
said stopped Mildred's tears, and she sprang to her feet and
stamped her foot, and said: 'Well, if he did that and then came
to my house and did what he did in the evening, he's a pig!' And
she stamped her foot again. 'I said the truth anyway'; and she
glared at Janie who now said, 'I was just trying to tease both
of you.' But Mildred snapped, 'You were trying to lie to both of
us.' And Janie stuck her head on one side in the most provoking
way and said, 'I don't want your horrid beau anyway.' It was all
very painful, especially to Roberta. She said: 'We must never
any of us speak to him again. He is unworthy of our notice.
Except to spare you more pain, Mildred, I would not have told
you about this at all, and I am very much ashamed of myself, and
it serves me right. I shall never let any one hold my hand again
as long as I live.' None of us knew that any boy could be so
double-faced, and we all have agreed, and Janie Acres, too, that
we shall act as though he did not exist at all, which will save
our dignity and we hope will teach him something."

When other people write our lives, they tell the dates of our births, marriages, and deaths; they note the year we went to college and when we left, and all the other irrelevant things; no one says that it was at such and such a moment that his soul was born, or that the baptism of fire that turned away the selfishness of this woman came at such a time. We keep these great and obscure birthdays and many minor ones to ourselves, and this droll little episode was the definite ending for us of little-girlhood. In our town we dawdled along in what the Germans call the "back fish" age until some such thing has happened, for we had no custom of girls coming out all of a sudden full-blown young ladies; we had to win our spurs in a way.

We thought of ourselves as grown up, to be sure. Mildred Dilloway had had a very melodramatic love-affair with one of the lads in the seminary who had gotten into some sort of a scrape and was expelled from school. He had urged Mildred to fly with him. Alas! that women should be so practical. Even young as she was, she asked, "Where?" and when he had no special place to propose beyond his parents' house, to which he was then repairing, she had laughed at him, but in spite of all our experiments in sentiment we had remained immature in spirit. Now, suddenly, through the actions of this soft youth, George Landry, we found ourselves in an absurd position. The grown woman in us came to life; we wanted to vindicate ourselves in our own eyes; and it was during the next few months that we found ourselves suddenly grown up and the world's attitude toward us suddenly changed. From being the little girls who accepted the casual kindnesses of older men in a panic of gratitude, suddenly our position was of those who are sought out.