Chapter I: Part 1

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE

This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow" about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been replaced with the right (») and left («) double-angle symbols from the ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have been corrected as follows:

someting > something, p. 63
catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71
veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99
who'se > who's, p. 99
turkies > turkeys, p. 110
potatoe > potato, p. 121
knowlege > knowledge, p. 155
lagest > largest, p. 177
pass > past, p. 190
develope > develop, p. 249
ot > not, p. 257
governer > governor, p. 257
handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261
poverity > poverty, p. 279
reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281
himsesf > himself, p. 288
peaking > peeking, p. 311
sponser > sponsor, p. 313
aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336
mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376
woful > woeful, p. 400
domicils > domiciles, p. 400
Amercian > American, p. 409
lubago > lumbago, p. 412
somethiug > something, p. 420

* * * * *

* * * * *

HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE

HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:

A COLLECTION OF
HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.

BY

JONATHAN F. KELLEY.

Philadelphia:
T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.

[Library stamp: Univ. of California]

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by

T. B. PETERSON,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States,
in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.

* * * * *

TO
ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,
OF MASSACHUSETTS,

AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,

AS WELL AS FOR

YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;

AND MORE THAN ALL,

FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,

I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,

Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.

FRATERNALLY YOURS,

FALCONBRIDGE.

* * * * *

A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.

The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.

It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal. They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust, understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him.

Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August, A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school, where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then in Third street above Walnut.

In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time, and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires, he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he was married.

This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild, bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati, where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled "The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis, if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued. He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial, "The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass., entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr. Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child. Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct "The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.

The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling, with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements, and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man. The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability. Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can be bought with gold.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33
Don't you believe in 'em, 37
The old Black Bull, 38
Dobbs makes "a Pint," 42
Used up, 43
The greatest Moral Engine, 50
The Story of Capt. Paul, 51
Hereditary Complaints, 58
Nights with the Caucusers, 59
Affecting Cruelty, 64
The Wolf Slayer, 65
The Man that knew 'em All, 74
A severe Spell of Sickness, 79
The Race of the Aldermen, 80
Getting Square, 85
People do differ, 89
Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience, 90
A-a-a-in't they Thick? 96
A desperate Race, 101
Dodging the Responsibility, 107
A Night Adventure in Prairie Land, 108
Roosting Out, 114
Rather Twangy, 119
Passing around the Fodder, 120
A Hint to Soyer, 123
The Leg of Mutton, 124
A Chapter on Misers, 129
Dog Day, 133
Amateur Gardening, 138
The two Johns at the Tremont, 139
The Yankee in a Boarding School, 144
A dreadful State of Excitement, 149
Ralph Waldo Emerson, 154
Humbug, 158
Hotel keeping, 159
"According to Gunter," 164
Quartering upon Friends, 165
Jake Hinkle's Failings, 174
What's going to Happen, 176
The Washerwoman's Windfall, 177
We don't Wonder at it, 181
Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon, 182
Getting into the "Right Pew," 187
A circuitous Route, 192
Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga, 193
Old Jack Ringbolt, 198
Who killed Capt. Walker? 199
Practical Philosophy, 203
Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl, 204
Legal Advice, 209
Wonders of the Day, 213
"Don't know you, Sir!" 214
A circumlocutory Egg Pedler, 219
Jolly old Times, 223
The Pigeon Express Man, 224
Jipson's great Dinner Party, 229
Look out for them Lobsters, 236
The Fitzfaddles at Hull, 241
Putting me on a Platform! 247
The exorbitancy of Meanness, 251
"Taking down" a Sheriff, 252
Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire, 257
Sure Cure, 261
Chasing a fugitive Subscriber, 262
Ambition, 266
Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer, 267
Penalty of kissing your own Wife, 272
Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping, 274
Miseries of a Dandy, 279
A juvenile Joe Miller, 284
"Selling" a Landlord, 285
Scientific Labor, 288
Who was that poor Woman? 289
Infirmities of Nature, 293
Andrew Jackson and his Mother, 294
Snaking out Sturgeons, 299
Mixing Meanings--Mangling English, 301
Waking up the wrong Passenger, 302
Genius for Business, 306
Have you got any old Boots? 307
The Vagaries of Nature, 312
A general disquisition on "Hinges," 317
Miseries of Bachelorhood, 321
The Science of Diddling, 322
The re-union; Thanksgiving Story, 324
Cabbage _vs._ Men, 330
Wanted--A young Man from the Country, 331
Presence of Mind, 336
The Skipper's Schooner, 337
Philosophy of the Times, 340
The Emperor and the Poor Author, 341
The bigger fool, the better Luck, 352
An active Settlement, 356
A Yankee in a Pork-house, 357
German Caution, 361
Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell, 362
The Perils of Wealth, 367
Nursing a Legacy, 372
The Troubles of a Mover, 377
The Question Settled, 382
How it's done at the Astor House, 383
The Advertisement, 387
Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life, 400
A Distinction with a Difference, 408
Pills and Persimmons, 409
Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor, 414
The Tribulations of Incivility, 415
The Broomstick Marriage, 420
Appearances are Deceitful, 427
Cigar Smoke, 431
An everlasting tall Duel, 432

* * * * *

THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.

* * * * *

If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!

A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, who, casting his eye over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a cool C!

"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no doubt about it," says Don Cæsar.

"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the bills are unusually large, sir--"

"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"

"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I think," responds the clerk.

"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the realm.

"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk replies.

"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_."

"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow himself out of the room.

"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night, here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and 'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?"

"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.

"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished.

"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of the clerk, as they met at "the office."

"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the morning, sir," replies the clerk.

"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_."

That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsar--a servant carried up the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U. S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green, his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private parlor; and pretty soon the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don Cæsar was putting his friends through in the most approved style!

Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_ friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks "popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled the room.

Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked, he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make it all right in the morning!_"

And so Don Cæsar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely request that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.

"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears, and can't hear whispers."

"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant, in a sharp key.

"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want? Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all right--hic--_in the morning_."

Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too merry_, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins--

"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all right in the morning."

"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the credit of the house."

"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep; "Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This _gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room."

"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.

"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right, I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go to--hic--our pious--hic--rest."

Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar arose on his pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as the coach drove off, were:

"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the morning!_"

"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd lose my bill!_"

Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo! and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right, if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!"

Don't you believe in 'em?

We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers. Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you.

The Old Black Bull

It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then, from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently and happily as the case we have in point.

Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first _settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut. It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he was "looked up to," and abided by.

It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their _case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances.

"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation."

"So I say," says one of the _committee_.

"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.

"No case at all," responded the third.

"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.

"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.

"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of our small congregation."

"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson," spitefully returned number one.

"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage.

"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.

"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.

"Not me, anyway," number three replies.

"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.

"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--"

"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--"

"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and here's Deacon Potter, also."

"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"

"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is ridiculous,--"

"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.

"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.

This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing.

"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"

"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher.

"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like Deacon Potter--"

"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon.

"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."

"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.

"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--"

"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to await his issue.

Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning despatches them to their several destinations.

On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised, came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of the meeting.

"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and another pause followed.

"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.

The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles, wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and with a very broad _grin_, said:

"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the least of it!"

"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers.

"I will," and the moderator began:

"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_."

There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community; the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word.

"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.

"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.

"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting.

Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute mystery.

A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice with a hem, he spoke:

"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!"

The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and the church preserved its union!

Dobbs makes "a Pint."

Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs.

"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he.

"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."

"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_."

"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.

"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_.

"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth of yur stuffs!"

"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."

"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs.

"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk, "no how."

Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks!

Used Up.

I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted, if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world. Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow.

Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook.

Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut cheaper and sooner.

"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to smash!"

"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.

"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on hand; is it true?" continued the man.

"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up."

But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation, without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such "lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks, for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really "done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways.

As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_; one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in. Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_ house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks "hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character, and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction.

The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions, spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars----

"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me with a check until the middle of the week." It was done.

"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_ the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little _short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his "bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing.

"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby."

The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation, proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless, self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got nothing!

For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years, the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and manliness.

The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_, convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser man.

"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_"

"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.

"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in waiting.

"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.

"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you, Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_"

"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"

"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."

"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world, but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"

"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_"

If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good," and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual ability to make good!

It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_ of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_.

But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends" should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they deserted it!

"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said one.

"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.

"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a third.

"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent."

"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!"

But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation, but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr. Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_

"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_ have!"

"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins & Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations. But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_"

Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved, and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.

John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to.

We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and discerning jury brought out all right.

We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks "caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty, fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you ever saw!

Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure.

The Greatest Moral Engine.

Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law, logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he _has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a _roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a "bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him!

The Story of Capt. Paul.

I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so.

Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon, I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight, as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall, gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn, bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue.

"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"

I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man, half to himself and partly to me, sighed--

"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and no more thought of."

"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio Valley?"

"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods, goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."

"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite space for a century yet to come."

"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it."

"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear."

"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for life."

The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed, something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the foot.