Chapter I: Front Matter

The Idiot at Home

By John Kendrick Bangs

Illustrated by F. T. Richards

NEW YORK AND LONDON HARPER & BROTHERS _Publishers_ 1900

BY THE SAME AUTHOR.

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THE BOOMING OF ACRE HILL. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, $1.25.

THE ENCHANTED TYPEWRITER. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

COFFEE AND REPARTEE and THE IDIOT. 1 vol. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

THE DREAMERS: A CLUB. Illustrated by EDWARD PENFIELD. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

A REBELLIOUS HEROINE, A Story. Illustrated by W. T. SMEDLEY. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, Uncut Edges, $1.25.

A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

PASTE JEWELS. Being Seven Tales of Domestic Woe. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.00.

GHOSTS I HAVE MET, AND SOME OTHERS. With Illustrations by NEWELL, FROST, and RICHARDS. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

THE BICYCLERS, AND THREE OTHER FARCES. Illustrated, 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

PEEPS AT PEOPLE. Illustrated by EDWARD PENFIELD. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

MR. BONAPARTE OF CORSICA. Illustrated by H. W. MCVICKAR. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.

THE WATER GHOST, AND OTHERS. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental $1.25.

THREE WEEKS IN POLITICS. Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, Ornamental, 50 cents.

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NEW YORK AND LONDON: HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.

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Copyright, 1900, by JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.

TO "MISS BANGS OF LONDON"

FROM "MR. BARNES OF NEW YORK"

CONTENTS

PAGE
I. BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION 1
II. A LITTLE DINNER TO SOME OLD FRIENDS 21
III. IN THE LIBRARY 43
IV. AS TO A SMALL DINNER 63
V. ON THE MAINTENANCE OF AN ATTIC 84
VI. THE IDIOT'S GARDEN 105
VII. HOUSEHOLD POETRY 125
VIII. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE HIRED MAN 145
IX. ON SOCIAL ACCOUNTS 165
X. AS TO SANTA CLAUS 185
XI. AS TO NEW-YEAR'S DAY 205
XII. SOME DOMESTIC INTENTIONS 228
XIII. A SUBURBAN COMPLICATION 249
XIV. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE MOTH 269
XV. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE BURGLAR 288
XVI. CONCLUSION 301

ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS _Frontispiece_
"POSSESSED A LIBRARY OF FIRST EDITIONS" 5
"'THEY NEVER HAD THE FUN OF BUYING THEM'" 9
"'GUARANTEED TO HANG ONTO A GARMENT IN A GALE'" 13
"'AND SOME PEOPLE SAY WAGNER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT'" 17
"TOMMY AND MOLLIE GAVE THE COOK A GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE" 23
"'LET THE FATHERS LOOK AFTER THE CHILDREN AT NIGHT'" 29
"A LITTLE FIGURE CLAD IN WHITE" 35
"'I'D RATHER BE SPANKED THAN NOT NOTICED AT ALL'" 39
"'I DID NOT SMOKE UNTIL I WAS FIFTY'" 45
"'SMOKING KEEPS INSECTS FROM THE PLANTS'" 49
"THE BIBLIOMANIAC WAS INVESTIGATING THE CONTENTS OF THE LOWER
SHELVES" 53
"'I PREFERRED TO PAY THE $49.50'" 57
"THE COOK HAD TAKEN WINGS ONTO HERSELF" 65
"'TWO BIG BOXES OF POTATOES, A CAN OF FRENCH PEASE, AND A BOTTLE
OF SARSAPARILLA'" 69
"'THE PEOPLE DOWN-STAIRS BORROWED OUR DINING-ROOM CHAIRS'" 75
"'WHO WAS IT?' ASKED MRS. IDIOT" 79
"'I SET OFF A GIANT CRACKER UNDER HIS CHAIR'" 87
"'WOULD HANG THAT PORTRAIT UPON THE WALL OF MY BEDROOM'" 91
"'STARTED TO PREACH WITH THE RECIPE FOR A WASHINGTON PIE'" 95
"'A LITTLE BUNDLE OF MY OWN LETTERS'" 101
"'WE SPRINKLED IT IN PERSON'" 107
"'HE DISCOVERED THE ONE PERFECT STALK'" 111
"'IT WOULD DE DEUCEDLY AWKWARD ... IF THEY WOULD EXPLODE IN THE
MOUTH OF THE PERSON WHO WAS EATING THEM'" 115
"SHE COULD SLAM THEM DOWN ON THE HEARTH-STONES LIKE TORPEDOES'" 119
"'THE JOYS AND WOES OF THE TOILERS WHO MINED IT'" 127
"'FOR THOUGH I'M BUT A CARPET-TACK,'" ETC. 131
"'I SHOULD HESITATE TO TRY TO DRIVE A CANAL-BOAT'" 137
"'I HAVEN'T EVER HAD A HOME; I'VE ALWAYS BOARDED'" 141
"'I FEEL THAT I COULD GO OUT AND MOW THREE ACRES OF GRASS'" 147
"'HE WOULD GO OUT DAY AFTER DAY AND SIT DOWN BESIDE IT'" 151
"'HE SHOVELS OFF A FOOT-PATH'" 155
"'SPEND A WHOLE DAY ON ONE WINDOW'" 161
"'WELL, I'M FOND OF GOLF'" 167
"'AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL TEA'" 171
"'THE BABY IS ROCKED TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT'" 175
"'POOR DICK DAWKINS ISN'T TAKEN CARE OF AT ALL'" 179
"'DR. PREACHLY ONLY GOT EIGHT PAIRS LAST XMAS'" 189
"'A CHINA DOLL TO THE DAUGHTER OF A CARPENTER'" 193
"'HULLO, SONNY! HAD A GOOD TIME?'" 197
"'I GAVE MY DOLLY AWAY TO-DAY'" 201
"'I DON'T QUITE CATCH YOUR DRIFT'" 207
"'I FELT AS IF I HAD SWALLOWED AN OVERSHOE'" 213
"'I FOUND EIGHT SANDWICHES AND A PINT OF SALTED ALMONDS'" 219
"'THEY WERE FOUND SOME DAYS LATER WHEN THE ROOM WAS PUT IN
ORDER'" 223
"'THERE'S NOT MUCH MONEY IN STOCKS'" 231
"'A NICE LITTLE BASKET-HAT ON HER HEAD TO HOLD THE PINS IN'" 235
"'AN ELECTRIC NOTICE TO QUIT'" 239
FINDING OUT WHAT IS BEING COOKED FOR DINNER 245
"'COURTING HIS BEST GIRL ON SOME OTHER FELLOW'S STONE WALL'" 251
"'HOLDING UP A GREAT OSAGE ORANGE'" 255
"'THE PICTURE OF A HEART WITH AN ARROW DRAWN THROUGH IT'" 259
"'IT TOOK MY HIRED MAN TWO WEEKS TO SCRUB IT OUT'" 265
"'AN UNPAID GROCER'S BILL BECOMES AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE'" 271
"'THE LION, THE ELEPHANT, THE TIGER, ALL HAVE THEIR WORK TO DO'" 275
"'THEY EAT UP MY NEW CLOTHES'" 279
"'WASTED MY ENERGY UPON THE UNRESPONSIVE AIR'" 283