Chapter II: Introduction: 17

BREAKING INTO THE WRITING GAME 27

SETTLING THE CORSET PROBLEM OF THIS COUNTRY 39

HOW TO TELL A BUTLER, AND OTHER ETIQUETTE 47

DEFENDING MY SOUP PLATE POSITION 57

HELPING THE GIRLS WITH THEIR INCOME TAXES 69

THE GREATEST DOCUMENT IN AMERICAN LITERATURE 77

PROSPECTUS FOR “THE REMODELED CHEWING GUM CORPORATION” 87

INSIDE STUFF ON THE TOTAL ECLIPSE 99

IT’S TIME SOMEBODY SAID A WORD FOR CALIFORNIA 111

PROMOTING THE OCEANLESS ONE-PIECE SUIT 121

WARNING TO JOKERS: LAY OFF THE PRINCE 131

SPRING IS HERE, WITH POEMS AND BATH TUBS 141

MY FORD AND OTHER POLITICAL SELF-STARTERS 151

WILSON COULD LAUGH AT A JOKE ON HIMSELF 159

A JOB WITH THE JAMES FAMILY 171

LET’S TREAT OUR PRESIDENTS LIKE HUMAN BEINGS 181

WHAT WITH FRUIT JUICE AND CONSOMME, IT WAS A WILD PARTY 193

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE FRED STONES 203

ONE OIL LAWYER PER BARREL 217

ANOTHER CONFESSION IN THE OIL SCANDAL 227

THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH 237

WELL, WHO IS PRUNES? 249

POLITICS GETTING READY TO JELL 261

TWO LONG-LOST FRIENDS FOUND AT LAST 269

THEY NOMINATED EVERYBODY BUT THE FOUR HORSEMEN 279

IN THE MIDST OF A 7-YEAR HITCH 287

“WILL ROGERS, JR.” REPORTS THE CONVENTION FOR HIS
FATHER, WORN OUT BY LONG SERVICE 297

ROPING A CRITIC 305

“THE WORLD TOMORROW,” AFTER THE MANNER OF GREAT
JOURNALISTS[A] 313

SETTLING THE AFFAIRS OF THE WORLD IN MY OWN WAY 323

A SKINNY DAKOTA KID WHO MADE GOOD 333

TAKING THE CURE, BY THE SHORES OF CAT CREEK 345

FOOTNOTES:

[A] With apologies to Arthur Brisbane.

ILLUSTRATIONS

The Illiterate Digest Office _Frontispiece_

PAGE

You Are Going to Get the Low-Down on Some of Those Birds
Who Are Sending Home the Radish-Seed 26

They Are Carpeting All the Halls of the Senate So in Case
of a Fall There Will Be No Serious Loss 31

As I Opened the Door to Let Her in 2 of Our Dogs and 4 Cats
Came In 46

Birds That Never Can Tell the Servants from the Guests 53

I Would Invent a Triangle Shape Slide That Could Be Pushed
Under the Plate 56

Song Writers Should Be Segregated and Made to Sing Their
Songs to Each Other 76

Why Can’t I Do Something With Second-Hand Gum? 86

The More Glasses You Used the More Eclipse You Could See 98

I Just Happened to Remember That No One Had Said a Word
for California 110

I Want to Do Something for the Home Town Girl So She Can
Stay at Home and Show How and What She Is Made Of 120

So I Got Me Some of Those Long-Handled Wooden Hammers and
Started in at Polo 130

The Family Wash-Tub Was Dragged Up By the Fire 140

Finally a Warden Knocked at My Dressing Room and Said:
“You Die in 5 More Minutes for Kidding Your Country” 158

I Could Just Sorter Nonchalantly Step on the Bride’s
Train 170

If Mr. Ford Had Been Elected We Would
Have Been the Mouthpiece of the Administration 192

He Started at Four or Five Years of Age and Has Worked on
New Stunts Every Day of His Life 202

If a Rider Hit on His Head, It Was Me 211

It’s a Bigger Thing for Washington Than the Shriners’
Convention 216

They Not Only Have to Be Lawyers, But Political Lawyers 219

They Are from Tulsa. I Will Be Right Out 226

I Object to the Senator from Massachusetts’ Slurring
Remarks 236

“There’s a Bellboy at My Hotel and He Just Got It From the
Chauffeur of a Prominent Oil-Man” 248

They Rehearsed Their Old Act Here Yesterday 268

“You Wasn’t Here and You Know Them as Well as I Do” 278

Well, I Guess You Heard About My Presidential Boom 286

The Deaths from Old Age Among the Delegates Is About
Offset by the Birthrate 291

“If They Haven’t Got Enough Water in There to Fill the
Harbor, We Will Have to Ask the Neighbors to Drain Their
Corn Liquor” 322

“If You Don’t Get Well and Throw Away Your Crutches I Get
Nothing Out of It” 344