Chapter I: Front Matter

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.

Some minor changes are noted at the end of the book.

THE LAUGHING WILLOW

OLIVER HERFORD

THE
LAUGHING WILLOW

VERSES AND PICTURES

BY

OLIVER HERFORD

Author of “Artful Antics,” “The Child’s Primer of Natural
History,” “Overheard in a Garden,” “Fairy Godmother-in-Law,”
“Astonishing Tale of a Pen and Ink
Puppet,” “The Confessions of a
Caricaturist,” etc.

NEW YORK
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY

_Copyright, 1918,
By George H. Doran Company_

_Printed in the United States of America_

TO PEG

_Oh, should some power the giftie gie her
To see hersel’ as ithers see her,
I’m thinking Peg would grow sae vain
He’d take the giftie back again._

CONTENTS

THE LAUGHING WILLOW

PAGE
EPITAPHS 9

THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA 11

THE WEDDING FEAST 11

A MUJIK 12

THE COSSACK 13

THE THREE S’S 14

THE AIR RAID 15

VALE DIABOLE 18

THE WRONG FLOOR 21

MARCHING TO BERLIN 23

TARGET PRACTICE 26

THE SAUSAGE BALLOON 27

CONCERNING THE CROWN PRINCE 28

CAMOUFLAGE 31

THE TANK 32

THE BIRD-MAN 33

FRENZYLOGICAL CHART 34

BRITANNIA SALVATRIX 35

FATHER WILHELM 37

THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS 40

AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE 45

THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAISAM 52

WAR RELIEF 57

SUMMER MASS 58

ABOUT PEOPLE I HAVE MET

J. M. BARRIE 61

THE HORSE 63

THE TOWN CAT 65

TOWSER 68

THE OYSTER 70

THE MOUSE 71

PEOPLE I HAVE NOT MET

THE TURTLE 77

MICHAEL O’LEARY 79

CLORINDA 82

ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER 85

EVE 90

THE HIGHBROW HEN 91

SIR IPPYKIN 92

THE PSYCHOLOGY COP 95

PHYLLIS LEE 97

MRS. SEYMOUR FENTOLIN 99

THE DEVIL AMONG THE LADIES 101

SPRING 105

THE CATFISH 108

THE PRODIGAL CENTIPEDE 109

A BALLADE OF BLACK SOCKS 111

OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING MARK TWAIN

THE GENTLEMEN OF LETTERS 115

THE WOMEN OF THE BETTER CLASS 118

MARK TWAIN 121

PRINCE POMPOM 124

THE SERIAL 126

THE CLOUD 130

THE LAUGHING WILLOW

_To see the Kaiser’s epitaph
Would make a weeping willow laugh._

THE LAUGHING WILLOW

EPITAPHS

Willy Nilly

Here lies Willy’s mortal clay
In its Mother Earth’s caresses.
Willy’s soul has flown away--
Where it is you have two guesses.

Here lies Bill

Here lies Bill, the son of Fred.
He lied alive; he now lies dead.

Tears, Idle Tears

Oh, stranger, dry the starting tear!
Kaiser Bill is buried here.

Pax

’Neath this stone lies Kaiser Bill.
He sought for peace--he seeks it still.

Requiescat

Here Wilhelm sleeps. For Mercy’s sake,
Tread softly, friend, lest he should wake!

Ashes to Ashes

Swallow him, O Earth, for he,
Did his best to swallow thee.

THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA

_THE WEDDING FEAST_

This is a Russian Wedding Feast;
Counting the Groom, there are at least
A hundred sitting down to dine,
Or let us call it ninety-nine:
For more than that there is no room,
And no one ever counts the Groom!

_A MUJIK_

The Mujik wears a costume weird
Consisting of a fuzzy beard,
A sheep-skin blouse (the wool inside)
And breeks astonishingly wide,
Made from the fur of North sea Whales,
And Yak-hide boots with big brass nails.

_THE COSSACK_

The Cossack is so much at home
Upon his horse, that though he roam
From Vladivostok to Odessa,
His wife has only to address a
Letter to Ivan “care his Horse”
To catch her Spouse, unless of course,
As sometimes happens, Ivan may
Have swapped addresses on the way.

_THE THREE S’S_

Without a doubt the _Samovar_
The _Steppes_ and _Russian Sables_ are
Of all things Russian the best known;
So in this picture I have shown

A Sable sitting on a flight
Of Russian Steppes, before a bright
New Samovar, calm as can be,
Brewing a cup of Russian Tea.

THE AIR RAID

I

Come into the cellar, Maud.
Get a move on! Goodness gracious,
There is nothing to applaud
In bravado ostentatious!
Still Maud lingered, all unheeding,
As the Siren sounded twice;
Above the din her voice came pleading,
“Are you _sure_ there’s no mice?”

II

Above the pandemonium
Of Siren shrill and warning Drum
And Aircraft Gun is heard the roar
Of little Freddy, ætat four;
The cellar dark and dank and dim
No fascination has for him,
The little darling wants to be
Upstairs upon the roof and see
The “fireworks!” “If you ask me--”
Aunt Kate was overheard to say,
“I’d let the dear child have his way!”

III

A hidden Crime, however slight,
Is sure some day to see the light;
Oh, why did Auntie come to stay
With us upon an Air-raid day!
Why did we never think to tell her
That there were Lizards in the cellar
Or Spiders or an Open Drain!
How shall we ever now explain
That “Antique Vase” we said was lost,
That Nile green horror, gold embossed,
Her Wedding Present--there it lay
Before her eyes, as plain as day!
We _almost_ wished a bomb would fall
Upon the house and end it all!

IV

Who is that cowardly Jack Horner
Crouching there in the darkest corner,
Behind the furnace? Look again,
That is no cringing coward, when
Your eyes become accustomed to
The darkness of the cellar, you
Will see it is no other than
Philander Jones and Marian;
Make no mistake, Philander’s dread
Is not a Zeppelin overhead,
But that rude moment when he’ll hear
The beastly Siren sound “All’s clear!”