Chapter V: Part 5

We moved around the room slowly, Mr. Gooch sometimes pointing to weapons which hung high above our heads, and sometimes taking them down so I could examine them closely. In this more satisfactory fashion he now showed me a remarkable axe. The haft was of rhinoceros horn, wound with copper wire. This handle was over a yard long. The head was of steel. As I had suspected, the axe had belonged to Umslopogaas, the Zulu warrior. With this axe he had terrorized the French cook Alphonse, and with it he fought his great fight at the head of the stairway. It had numerous nicks in the horn handle--each nick representing a man killed with it in battle.

"Here is another knife which figured in a murder," said Mr. Gooch. "Tess killed Alec D'Urberville with it. And this is the unsheathed sword that lay between Tristram and Iseult."

On a shelf in a corner was a piece of some red stone. I inquired about it, remarking that it did not seem to belong to the collection,

"No, it does not," Mr. Gooch agreed, "but it served very effectively on a certain occasion. That was the meeting of the scientific society on the Stanislow. If I can quote correctly, the incident is described as follows:

"'Then Peleg Jones of Angels raised a point of order, when
A chunk of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen--
And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor,
And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more.'

"I remember now," said I, "it was the beginning of a serious battle."

"Yes; events followed fast and furious--

"'In less time than it takes to tell it, every member did engage
In a battle with those remnants of a paleozoic age,
And the way they hurled those fossils in their anger was a sin--
Till the skull of an old mammoth caved the head of Thompson in.'"

Mr. Gooch then showed me Bob Acres' dueling pistols. They gave no signs of having been used, and it is doubtful if they would have been very deadly at forty paces--Bob's favorite fighting distance. Here was also the cross-bow, with which the Ancient Mariner killed the albatross. I found, hanging from a hook, two curious weapons which resembled light darts, or spears. My host reached them down for me, and I looked them over closely. Their composition was apparent--the halves of a pair of scissors had been tied to two wands.

"They look much more harmless than Bob Acres' pistols, do they not? As a matter of fact, they were used in a duel, and one of them killed its man. The duel was fought in Edinburgh Castle between two French prisoners,--one of whom was St. Ives."

"And the lasso that hangs above them?"

"Employed in a tournament by a Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court,--until Merlin stole it. This is the sword with which Sergeant Troy displayed his dexterity before Bathsheba Everdene. And this blade you have heard celebrated in song a good many times--it is the Sword of Bunker Hill. And with this Miles Standish stirred the posset. Here is the revolver with which Sherlock Holmes used to amuse himself in his room on Baker street--sitting in his chair, and making a patriotic 'V. R.' in bullet pocks on the wall, much to the annoyance of the good Dr. Watson. These daggers are rather odd--four of them, and two swords, you see. They came from 'The Critic' where the two Nieces draw their two daggers to strike Whiskerandos, the two Uncles point their swords at Whiskerandos, and he draws two daggers and holds them to the two Nieces' bosoms. So they would have stood forever, if the Beefeater hadn't come in and commanded them, in the queen's name, to drop their weapons. There's the Beefeater's halberd, too. Doubtless you've wondered at this naval gun. It fired the shot that did the business for the 'Haliotis,' and gave Kipling a chance to air his knowledge of engines and machinery in general. You can read about it in 'The Devil and the Deep Sea' This sword is in its sheath, you see,

'His sword was in its sheath,
His fingers held the pen,
When Kempenfelt went down
With twice four hundred men.'

"I've plenty of swords--here's the one that pierced the Master of Ballantrae, when he and his brother fought together by candle-light. This pretty little pair of scissors? They helped in the Rape of the Lock. This stone-headed club is my oldest specimen--it belonged to Ab--you know his story, no doubt? And the big axe was carried by the Executioner when the Queen of Hearts went about shouting, 'Off with their heads!'"

"That is a beautiful dagger," I remarked.

"Isn't it? It was brought by some Italian twins to a village in Missouri, where it had an exciting history. Look at the finger prints in blood on the handle. They betrayed a murderer, and he was denounced in court by Pudd'nhead Wilson."

We had finished our circuit of the room, and it was time for me to bid Mr. Gooch good-night. I started to thank him for showing me his collection, but he interrupted.

"Oh, that's all right; but," he added, laying his hand on my shoulder in a paternal fashion, "one last request: if you write it up for the 'Transcript,' don't try to be funny! I do hate to have books, and libraries, and literature treated flippantly. Now, I read your column--oh! very often--"

"No!"

"Yes, I do," he persisted, "I _really_ do! After I have finished the Genealogical Department, of course, and all those other fellows--The Bee-Keeper, and The Bishop Afloat, and all the rest of 'em, I read The Librarian _frequently_."

I blushed slightly.

"And I wish," continued my host, "that you would treat my collection seriously."

"Mr. Gooch," I promised, "I will be as solemn as--as--oh, as your brother's annual reports. I can say no more than that."

And we shook hands on it.

INDEX

A. L. A. Book List, 21.

Æneid, The, indigestible to a goat, 127.

Amanda (colored cook of librarian), 27.

Ancestor Worship, _see_ Genealogists.

Animals, library classification of, impossible, 170.

Authors, Young, hectic vanity of, 8.

Baxter Public Library, _see_ Ezra Beesly Free Public Library.

Bibliomaniacs (in Hell), 205.

Bilkins, Benj. S., heroic sacrifice of, 57.

Bird, Peculiar, observed by Mrs. Mayo, 65.

Bluffers, Literary, 202.

Books, One Hundred Best, 117 _et seq._

Boston Athenæum, Catalogue of, 64.

Boston Public Library, superior advantages of, 217.

Bunkum, Martha Matilda, 19.

Bureau of Education, _see_ Education, Bureau of.

Carnegie, Andrew, 227.

----, baffled again, 261.

Cat, Runcible, 177.

Children, Good, Parentage of, 48.

Children's Librarian, nefarious plot against a, 141.

Clam, Little Neck, how preferred, 116.

Colonel, Retired, favorite remark of, 43.

Congress, Library of, _see_ Library of Congress.

Crumpet, Mrs. Cornelia, 11.

----, Miss Hortense, 83.

Culture Clubs, _see_ Twenty Minute Culture Club.

Cut Worms, 270.

Darkness, Child of, 244.

Dufunnie, Prof. Samuel McK., 3.

Dying Maiden, _see_ Maiden, Dying.

Dyspepsia, Goat gets, 127.

Education, Bureau of, _see_ Bureau of Education.

Extra-illustrators, _see_ Snippers.

Ezra Beesly Free Public Library, 63, 109.

Falstaff, Sir John, as football center, 93.

Family Ghost, _see_ Ghost, Family.

Fassett, Prof. H. B., distressing adventures of, 110 _et seq._

Fat Woman, 211.

Feet, Pigs', not in public library, 85.

Flippancy of librarian, deplored, 300.

Fool Girls, punishment of, 187.

Football, Literary, 90.

Frugles, Prof. Milo P., 9.

----, exposed, 15.

Fuddy-dud, great work of Dr. Wurzberger on, 131.

Genealogists, 145, 196.

Ghost, Family, anæmic condition of, 50.

Gibbons, Cardinal, mistaken for historian, 135.

Goat, Wild, _see_ Wild Goat.

Good Children, _see_ Children, Good.

Grand Dames of Pequot War, 199, 214.

Gray Hairs, cause of, to librarians, _see_ Genealogists.

Gustafsen, Dr. Oscar, 6.

----, dryness of article by, 7.

Heroine, Learned, 46.

----, Modern, dissolute habits of, 47.

Highball, Scotch, as a life-saver, 36.

Historians, Scientific, 9, 158 _et seq._

Impossible Things, practice in believing, 282.

Indexes of gardening books, 25.

Interest Gauge, retail price of, 8.

Jasper, Dr. Nicholas, sufferings of, 149 _et seq._

"Jerusalem Delivered," weight of, 125-26.

Johnson, William DeGrift, cap belonging to, 232.

Kookle, Reginald (A.B., Cornell), 68.

Larkin, Miss Fritilla Lee, 13.

Learned Heroine, _see_ Heroine, Learned.

Library of Congress, _see_ Congress, Library of.

"Librarian at Play," price of, _see_ Any Book Dealer.

Librarian, _see also_ Children's Librarian.

Literary Bluffers, _see_ Bluffers, Literary.

Little Neck Clam, _see_ Clam, Little Neck.

Lobster Trap, how to sink a, 125-26.

Macbeth, unsuccessful golf match of, 97.

Maiden, Dying, 44.

Mayo, Mrs. Humphrey (_née_ Gookin), 65 _et seq._

Mike, love of, 33.

Misers, clinking habits of, 58.

Mongoose, story about a, 287.

Mysterious Man, 222.

Nature Books, child pretends fondness for, 14.

Nuisances, _see_ Genealogists.

"Old Librarian's Almanack," 63.

One Hundred Best Books, _see_ Books, One Hundred Best.

Oyster, Eldest, conservative temperament of, 279.

Patterson, Miss Pansy, 63.

Pests, _see_ Genealogists.

Pigs' Feet, _see_ Feet, Pigs'.

Ponsonby, Perks & Co. (publishers), 20.

Q, 23.

Reformed Spellers, _see_ Spellers, Reformed.

Retired Colonel, _see_ Colonel, Retired.

Runcible Cat, _see_ Cat, Runcible.

Russia, source of supply of villains, 55.

Scientific Historians, _see_ Historians, Scientific.

Scotch Highball, _see_ Highball, Scotch.

Simpleton, Village, 57.

Simplified Spellers, _see_ Spellers, Reformed.

Slithy Tove, _see_ Tove, Slithy.

Smith, Mrs. Pomfret, 76.

----, comes back, 80.

Snippers, post-mortem treatment of, 191.

Spellers, Reformed, eternal punishment of, 195.

Sunflowers, how deep to sow seeds of, 22 _et seq._

"Teacher," _see_ Children's Librarian.

Telephones, slowness of, when librarian is waiting in rain, 29.

Thorns in the Flesh, _see_ Genealogists.

Tove, Slithy, 176.

Twenty Minute Culture Club, 12.

Utilitarianism, 76.

Vanhoff, Amos, 64 _et seq._

Village Simpleton, _see_ Simpleton, Village.

Villains, degeneracy of, 52.

Who's Who in America, 63.

Wild Goat, _see_ Goat, Wild.

Wurzberger, Dr. Obadiah, soul-racking experience of, 131 _et seq._

Xenophon's Anabasis (perhaps in box), 119.

Young Crab, how to broil a, 123.

Zanesville, Ohio (birthplace of "excited person"), 227.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

--Obvious print and punctuation errors were corrected.

End of Project Gutenberg's The Librarian at Play, by Edmund Lester Pearson