Chapter II: Part 2

Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which was the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made him go through all his stunts—jump through rings, growl at me, etc. Then I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made them juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot of other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display of the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a wash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.—Mrs. Ham gave a lyre solo. She struck several false notes.—Mrs. Japheth sang “Auld Lang Syne.”—Ham did a hornpipe.—Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to me. It was so full of sentiment I’m going to learn it by heart even if I’m not much of a hand at poetry.—Mrs. Noah took up a collection for the wives of the seamen.—I don’t like these ship entertainments. I’d rather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily newspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief, Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the cartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.—We have another camel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.—One of the crickets has a sore chirp.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

First edition of our paper came out today. We call it the _Diluvian Times_. Price ½ shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.—Played solitaire tonight to kill time.—The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.—Am glad our paper is such a success.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

The _Diluvian Times_ was again for sale at the news-stand. Ham’s cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’s _Diluvian Times_. I laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance. They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. I boxed up the storks.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

There wasn’t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s a cartoon of me in today’s _Diluvian Times_. That impertinent Ham did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil everything.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

No _Diluvian Times_ today. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in 479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes a lot of fuss over the puppy.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Roof began to crack.—We let the microbes play in the smoke room this morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective cages.—That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is fond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He’s fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind legs.—One of the lap dogs has the colic.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn’t have minded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but—oh!—that corn.—The alligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for them. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole trip.—My back tooth still hurts and we’re a long way from a good dentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham’s faith cure. Still it throbs.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

Made up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine home-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the tooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted somebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there all day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some practical joker had tacked up a “no admittance” sign. I’ll bet it was Ham.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the string to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it overboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don’t care, I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me—I lost that anchor.

SUNDAY.

REMARKS:

100th day of voyage.—Services. I preached about the dangers young people encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my warnings.—Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was not much fun working for the governor as I didn’t pay him anything. He wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem took my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth reminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land because labor will be so cheap.

Ham said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of his fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for them.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard. Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to make rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I’m not going to let them die.—Engineer complains the crows are all the time in the engine room. He’s afraid they will get mixed up in the machinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered him to make a scarecrow.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters. Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score 100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was steady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.—A little mammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.—After tea the ladies patched the sails.—The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent evening looking at the family album.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

Today all the dog licenses expired, but we’re not liable to run into any dog-catchers out here.—We played a new game tonight. Ham painted a donkey without a tail on a sheet. We all had little tails made out of cloth, and took turns being blindfolded, and trying to pin them on the place where the donkey’s tail commences. I know I would have hit the spot because I took a good look before they tied up my eyes, but that villain Ham started me off in the opposite direction to the painting.—Mrs. Ham says she does not like to ride on a ship with patched sails.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

Am tired of these continental breakfasts, and this condensed milk.—Wish I had saved the library. I have read everything on board with the exception of the old time-table, and I’ll finish that tomorrow.—Mrs. Shem gave a tea in the music room this afternoon.—Have stopped playing shuffleboard. Nobody will let me beat them at the game.—The two crows like to roost in the lookout’s barrel. The crew now call the place the crows’ nest. Put the scarecrow up there to keep them from interfering with the work of the sailors.

SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

REMARKS:

We are spending the week-end painting the ship. I must live up to the traditions of the sea.—Ham reported seeing a sea-serpent during his watch last night. I don’t know about the serpent but I do know he was in the buffet a long time before he went on the bridge.—The company that sold me the coal cheated me. Their slate won’t burn.—This clear weather is awfully monotonous.—We officers have worn a rut in the bridge where we walk.—One of the big rabbits with a long tail and a pouch appeared on deck today with a youngster.—Finished the time-table this afternoon.—Took my bath.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

Held a lifeboat drill this afternoon. The crew were not very rapid. It took 1¾ hours to get the boat in the water. All the ropes were tangled.—Had a talking machine concert this evening. Am tired of the records. Wish I could get some new ones.—Not a very interesting day. Did not take my watch this A.M. It was cloudy, and the sun-dial alarm never went off.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Another lifeboat drill today. Such a blockhead crew!—Still painting ship.—Tonight I made out a new will. I’m leaving the Ark, my insurance and bank account to my widow, provided she never marries again. Shem gets my spy-glass, the charts, and this log-book. I’m giving my evening robes, the engines, and the fish-worms to Ham. Japheth is to have my razor, top hat, and other personal effects. I willed the beautiful, plush-covered family album, some stock in the Damascus-Bagdad Oriental Rug Weaving Company, and my mining stock to the girls. The animals and the earth I divide equally among the family.

I gave some explicit instructions regarding my funeral. I want to become a real fine mummy, bound in A No. 1, four ply tire tape, and tattooed by a good undertaker. The case is to be waterproof. I make a special request that I shall never be exhibited in a museum. But—I don’t want to be a mummy for a few centuries.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Tomorrow I’ll be a rich man. We are going to have a rabbit and turtle race. Bet all the officers 5 to 1 on the turtle. I saw all the officers winking, but they don’t know I got a tip from Æsop’s animal book. It may be wrong to bet on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the family anyway.—Held another lifeboat drill today. The boat was in the ocean in one hour. That was a big improvement. Everything went all right, only we couldn’t find the oars.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

Held the derby today. I’m a ruined man. Threw that nature-faker’s book overboard. He was either like most authors, or he had a different kind of a turtle. By jove, my turtle hadn’t reached the first hurdle before the rabbit was under the wire.—Insisted on another lifeboat drill. I don’t know what’s the matter with that crew of mine. Two hours were spent in getting the boat in the sea. I’m not going to let them practise any more.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

The ice machine broke today. Engineer spent the whole day trying to repair it. I tried also, but the engine was like a Chinese puzzle to me.—The poor polar bears are suffering. Ordered the women folks to take turns fanning them.—I am greatly worried.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Still Ham couldn’t fix that machine. Wish I had brought a good engineer along. He says it works perfectly with the exception of making ice. The ladies threaten a strike on the fanning business. The water in the seals’ tank is getting warm. The seals and sea-lions are shedding their fur. Have decided to take the Ark to the polar regions until the engine is repaired. Of course, I couldn’t find the north pole chart. Shem’s astronomy came in to good advantage. He suggested heading for the north star. I just knew his education would come in handy some day.—Tonight we are sailing northward and I wish we were there. This worry is liable to drive me to an asylum.—Postponed my bath.

SUNDAY.

REMARKS:

No time for services.—That ice machine still stays out of commission. Ham blames me. It seems the rule book was thrown overboard the night of the storm.—Shem tried to fix the machine this afternoon. He had several good repair theories, but it won’t make ice.—Mrs. Noah complains of two sore wrists. Mrs. Ham declares she never did like polar bears. I think she would like to see the seals die, and then she would ask for their skins.—We are going like the wind. Ordered a forced draught for the engines.—Passed lots of stars. At this rate we ought to get to the pole in a hurry.—Cooler.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

No washing today. The ladies had to stay in the bear pits.—Gave the seals an extra fish to keep them quiet.—Ham nearly drives me mad. He has taken the machine apart scores of times, and puts it together different every time.—Weather much cooler.—Mrs. Noah took our furs out of the moth-ball chest.—Tonight we saw the aurora borealis. To me it looked like a kaleidoscope.—The old Ark is certainly flying. We’ll be at the pole before you can say Jack Robinson.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Cold! The thermometer was frozen when I got up this morning.—We are in the ice fields, and getting near the pole. The bears are relieved. Don’t have to fan them any more. The seals are again contented.—Mrs. Ham said she wished she had never seen the Ark. I wish she had her wish. She is as much bother as an old maid. And I’m glad there weren’t any good old maids to transport.—We are all wearing our furs.—Thank goodness, I can sleep tonight and not worry about those bears.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Ice cold! My beard was frozen today.—At noon we passed over the pole. Thought I would see something, but I was disappointed. Nothing there but ice and water. I wonder who will say they discovered the place? At last, Ham repaired the ice machine. I overheard him telling his wife he had forgotten to turn on some valve. I am going to discharge him as soon as we get on land.—Those bears actually smiled today. They seem to enjoy the attention they have been paid of late.—Too cold to promenade the deck or stand on the bridge, so I gave the officers a night off.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

What the Medes and Persians say about trouble coming in bunches is true. Now, the heating apparatus won’t work. Nothing like that ever happened when we were down south. At 2.20 the hippo began shivering. At 2.30 the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking. At 3.00 the elephants shivered. At 4.00 the bothriospondylus madagascariensis began shaking. At 4.15 the Ark shook.—We drove the birds to the boiler room, and put the butterflies into the thermo bottle.—Surely poor Job won’t have more troubles than poor me.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

No time for remarks. Busy hot-water bottling the tropical animals.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

The Noah family slept in the boiler room last night. I do love the fire this weather.—The Ark looks like an iceberg.—We’re going downhill just as fast as those old engines will take us. Passed over Spitzbergen this afternoon.—I can’t get down south too soon to please me. I’m going to cruise around the Tropic of Cancer until I get thawed out.—The women folks are dead tired. It does them good to work once in a while. This is the first time they have done anything to pay for their passage, and they shouldn’t complain. If that fool python would only coil up, he wouldn’t take half so many hot-water bags.—Can’t spare the hot-water for my bath.

SUNDAY.

REMARKS:

Ham burst into my cabin early this morning and said he had repaired the heat. Ordered the hot-water-bottle brigade to stop.—I want to sleep in peace tonight.—Services this A.M. Everybody went to sleep.—Reached our regular course this afternoon.—I’m thankful for lots of things today.—I’m thankful we are back here in the warm weather, that I wasn’t left ashore, that the Ark doesn’t leak, and that I haven’t had a mutiny.—Now, I’m going to bed. Put the alarm-sundial in the trunk.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

This warm weather is fine.—We had more excitement on board today. The foxes broke out of their cages. We held a hurried council of war. I was elected M. F. H. Shem and I put up the hurdles along the promenade deck, and then I took the hounds out of their kennels. Mrs. Noah and I rode the horses, while the others came along on whatever they could find. My wife complained because she did not bring her riding habit. To quiet her I let her wear my top hat.

We had a pleasant ride before the dogs took up the scent. Then the chase began. The barking of the dogs was deafening. We finally saw the foxes jumping over the hatches and rainwater barrels. Had a hard time keeping up with the hounds, and I think we would have done better if Yorick had kept out of the way. At last, we treed them in an air funnel. Shem went below and smoked them out, and then we chased them back to their dens. I was sorry I couldn’t get the tails for the ladies. We all had a fine breakfast in the saloon after the hunt.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Stiff today. Guess I had too much exercise yesterday. I’m not as young a man as I was a few centuries ago.—The goose laid an egg. It wasn’t gold. I must have brought the wrong goose.—Tonight we held a parlour entertainment in the _salon_. Ham did some tricks. I never knew he was clever before. He took a rabbit, a gold-fish bowl, a pair of pigeons, two white rats, and a guinea pig out of my top hat. It was most extraordinary. I don’t see why I brought all the animals along if Ham can bring them out of a hat like that.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Had a narrow escape today. While I was dusting the cow stable the cow’s husband went for me. I didn’t do anything to make him angry. I was only standing there wiping the perspiration from my forehead with my bandanna. I didn’t study running for nothing when I went to school. He chased me around the boat eleven times before I discovered it was my bandanna that offended him. Wonder if that fool bull thinks I’m going to carry my white Sunday handkerchief on working days?

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

Began taking soundings today—15 cubits of water.—We are just sailing along in our own sweet way.—Escorted the ladies through the steerage this afternoon.—Judging from the manner the dogs are scratching there must be some baby fleas aboard. Won ship’s pool.

SATURDAY. SOUNDING—14-9/10 cubits.

REMARKS:

One of the sponges was quite ill during the night. I soaked him in some castor oil.—This morning I took a piece of parchment. On it I wrote my name and address and a note asking the fellow who finds it to drop me a line. Put it in a bottle and threw it overboard.—Fourteen more kittens today.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. SOUNDING—same.

REMARKS:

Today is Easter. Held a special service this morning. Later Mrs. Noah and the girls dressed in their new spring clothes and their new bonnets. Those hats were sights. The ladies marched about the deck, while we males had to admire them as they passed. I must say Mrs. Noah looked a couple of hundred years younger than usual.—She gave me a lecture because I wore my bedroom slippers on deck.—Oh! I’ll be glad to get ashore.

NEXT FRIDAY. SOUNDING—12 cubits.

REMARKS:

Have not written in the log-book for the past week. It’s a nuisance. The company will probably haul me over the coals.—Weather, animals, and family just the same.—Today I thought I would send out a bird to see if there was any land afloat. Tossed up a coin to see whether I would use a red or black raven. Black won. When I opened the window, the raven quoth “never more” and flew away. Expected her back tonight at supper time, but up until now (11.30 P.M.) she has not put in an appearance.—Terribly worried.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Confound that raven. She hasn’t showed up yet. That bird has either found land or she is some flyer.—Put the egg she laid in the incubator.—This afternoon Mrs. Ham told fortunes with cards. Had her tell mine. She said I soon would travel to a strange land, and that I should beware of a tall, striking blonde. She declared I would inherit large tracts of land. She also fortuned I would have family trouble, and that I should curb my passion for beverages. That was a mean fortune, but I don’t take much stock in these soothsayings.—Ham had a worse fortune than mine. According to his wife, he has dark days before him, and he has to travel to a hot country and work like the old Nick.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. SOUNDING—could not touch bottom with the lead line. We must be over some ocean.

REMARKS:

Services. Ham spilled the collection plate.—I wonder what is keeping that raven?—Guess I should have sent the old cat. They always come back.—Wish it would rain.

MONDAY. SOUNDING—hit ground again—11 cubits.

REMARKS:

No raven!—Today is the 500th anniversary of my marriage. These have been 500 long, long years. That’s quite a while to live with one woman. It’s our radium anniversary. Did not receive any presents.—By this time I know all her faults. My, I’ve learned a lot in these years. I’ve found that Mrs. Noah never makes a mistake, that I am always wrong, and that everything has always been my fault. It’s funny how these women have their own way. Grandpa used to say it was just the same when he was young.—Just to think—everybody who attended our wedding—preacher and all—have passed away.

Mrs. Noah dressed in her wedding gown tonight. It has come into style again. It made me think how crazy I used to be about her. I was a young skylarker then. She used to sing in the temple choir. Tonight she reminded me of a few pet names I used to call her. If what she said was true, I must have been foolish. I had to tell her that I love her more and more as each century rolls by.

SATURDAY. Five days later. SOUNDING—9 cubits.

REMARKS:

The pigeon left on schedule time. I tied a message to her feet giving my name and nautical position. She first tacked a bit to starboard, and then took a crow’s course to land. At 5.32 P.M. she came back with muddy feet and an olive branch in her mouth. Hurrah! the waters are evaporating from off the face of the earth.—I don’t care whether that raven comes back or not. Her egg hatched.—We had fresh olives for supper.—Bath. COURSE—toward that tree.

THE NEXT SATURDAY. SOUNDING—7 cubits. Everything will soon be mud.

REMARKS:

Let the pigeon have another fly. She has either gone with the raven or found another tree. Perhaps someone shot her.—My observations show we are approaching land.—Ham is planning an expedition to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.—The women folks spent most of the day answering their steamer letters, and reading guide-books. I’ve been thinking those Peruvian llamas are going to have a long journey before they get home.—The purser has sold all the postage stamps. The postcards are also having a great sale.—Took a bath.

SUNDAY. SOUNDING—5 cubits.

REMARKS:

Services.—Have been reading about Ararat. It’s a mountain 16,964 feet high. Some authors say there is snow on the top. There must be some mistake because olives don’t grow in snow.—Am not sure of the docking facilities. Ham thinks it would be easier to stop the Ark in the harbour instead of at the regular wharf.—I will be relieved when the cargo pass the quarantine.—Got my money changed by the purser. Now, I have to think about tips.—The women folks are bothering me about the time of landing.—Some queer things are happening on the Ark these days. I see the ladies sewing lace where lace doesn’t belong. Mrs. Noah wants me to wear her necklace day after tomorrow. She never would let me do that before.—Slipped two boxes of cigars in Mrs. Noah’s trunk. No officer will ever think of looking there for them.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

The ladies are bothering me about the custom regulations, just as though I hadn’t enough troubles of my own.—Spent the morning packing and making out my reports.—Gave the captain’s dinner tonight. It was a swell affair. We all came in our evening robes. Ham drew the menus. We only saved enough food for tomorrow. I opened some of the wine grandpa made. Um!! We drank each others’ health all evening. Japheth made a fine speech in which he congratulated me on the safe passage. He said I was the greatest captain afloat, and that he would tell all his friends about the line. Mrs. Shem spoke for the ladies. She thanked me for the attention I had paid them during the trip. Ham tried to speak, but he forgot it. He upset the flower dish.—In replying I said the passengers were the finest who had ever sailed under me. Then I delivered the regular captain’s address. I thought their expressions might have taken a tangible form, but I was disappointed. We ended by singing, “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” That meant me.—Sighted the Ararat lighthouse.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Passed quarantine at 9.15. At anchor. Ararat just ahead. Fine big mountain, but very muddy.—Saw the raven and the pigeon roosting on the olive tree.—We’re all anxious to get ashore. Guess we will feel the motion of the boat for a few days.—I have decided to retire from the sea, and go in for real estate. Business will be dull for a while, but it will pick up in time.—I’m getting along in years to do this pioneering work, but it must be done. Posterity worries me a great deal. Why should it? What has posterity ever done for me?

The animals are making a lot of noise? They smell the green grass.—The ladies are on deck admiring the rainbow.—We expect to land late this afternoon.—I must stop writing, and get up on the bridge to whistle for the pilot.

Well, if we ever have another flood, I’ll know just what to do.

LAND.