Chapter I: Front Matter

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. OLD MAN. A WOMAN. A MAN
FIRST YOUNG MAN. SECOND YOUNG MAN
MURIEL RAUB. LORD BELVOIR. PARLOURMAID

LADY OLIVIA, daughter of the Marquis of Beaufort

SIR SOLOMON RAUB, millionaire Jewish financier, head of Raub Bros,
China & East India merchants

LADY PHAORON, a woman of fifty, wife of Sir Philo

SIR PHILO PHAORON, famous Egyptologist, small, and about 60–65

HARRINGHAM, butler to Sir Solomon Raub

NOSEGAY, valet to Lord Belvoir, a simple stolid fellow of 28

HON. RUPERT CLAVELLY

CAPTAIN ANTHONY, a creation of Belvoir’s imagination, made up exactly
to resemble the Old Man of Act I, but with a white beard

The Man who Ate the Popomack

SCENE:—_A room on a Saturday morning at a London Picture Gallery. There is an ottoman facing a picture on a side wall, its end facing the audience. A man about middle-age, well-groomed, enters. He looks at a huge landscape and then at his catalogue._

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Humph! Never saw anything like that in my life!

[_Another old man enters, his clothes of beautifully soft material,
but hanging loosely about him. He stares at the same picture._

OLD MAN. Mountains of the Imagination!

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. A diseased imagination, sir.

OLD MAN. Quite so; the imagination is a disease.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. I hate this modern fantastic stuff; it’s morbid.

OLD MAN. It’s the work of young men who cannot control their feelings.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Exactly; they might as well print their family secrets
on the outside of their houses to amuse the milkman and the
butcher-boy.

OLD MAN. Are you the milkman?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_taken aback_]. What do you mean?

OLD MAN. Then I am the butcher-boy. [_Reflectively_] I thank you. I
did not know it, but I _am_ the butcher-boy.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. I don’t understand you.

OLD MAN. I am a critic. I came here to slaughter these so-called
artists, and as a butcher I tell you they make poor mincemeat.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_interested_]. Really! You are a critic, and what is
your honest opinion of modern art?

OLD MAN. Modern art has always been bad.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_chuckling_]. Ha, ha! Excellent! Splendid!

OLD MAN. But it is always more interesting than ancient art. You, sir,
go to every exhibition?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Almost all.

OLD MAN. How often do you go to the National Gallery?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Whenever I hear of some interesting addition.

OLD MAN. Yes, the National Gallery is visited only by tourists.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. You don’t say so!

OLD MAN. It is so calm there; they are glad to get out of the traffic.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Of course there is something stimulating about this
modern stuff, I must say.

OLD MAN. As a milkman, would you call at an empty house to read what
was chalked upon the door?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_chuckling_]. I see what you mean. I suppose not.

OLD MAN. Most modern paintings are mere chalk-marks on the door, _but
the house is inhabited_, that makes all the difference. There is a
human being inside. Have you ever travelled in the desert?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. No.

OLD MAN. Well, when you travel in the desert, and you have been
hundreds of miles without meeting a soul and you come to some great
stone tomb beautifully carved, and alongside it a miserable mud and
willow hut, you find that you take no notice of the tomb but go
eagerly up to the hut, for it may be inhabited. Well, that is why
people look at modern pictures; we are really looking for the man
who painted them, and if we heard that he was dead we should pass on
to the next.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. That’s very interesting. I never thought of that, but
I believe...

[_They pass out of sight. The room is empty. Presently a
fashionably-dressed couple enter. They stop before the same
landscape._

THE WOMAN. That’s rather striking!

THE MAN. I suppose it is—queer, though, isn’t it? I wonder where that
is, or if it’s any real place at all?

THE WOMAN. Look in the catalogue.

THE MAN. It says simply ‘A Landscape.’

THE WOMAN. Whom is it by?

THE MAN. Oliver Bath—ever heard of him?

THE WOMAN [_interested_]. Oliver Bath.

THE MAN. I see he’s dead; he died last year.

THE WOMAN [_her interest evaporating_]. Oh!

[_She turns away and they pass on out of sight. The room is again
empty. Presently two young men enter._

FIRST YOUNG MAN [_with a gesture round the room_]. Why are all these
things painted? What does it mean?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Poor devils. They are unhappy in love.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. Say unhappy in life, and you’ve hit it, but perhaps
it’s the same thing.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Of course it is.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. I don’t know, but does one never work from joy?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Well, one wouldn’t work long, would one?

FIRST YOUNG MAN. One might work better.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. I should think equally badly. Men who are either
happy or unhappy are not artists.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. Well; you must be one or the other, if you are a
human being.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Artists are not human beings. Look at this fellow
now [_pointing to a picture and affecting an American accent_].
Isn’t he just too human?

FIRST YOUNG MAN. I grant you that nearly all bad art has the human
touch. Still the artist and the man must meet somewhere, or a
masterpiece, like a good hand at bridge, would be a sheer accident.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. And so it is—the accident that brought the artist’s
father and mother together. Life is full of accidents, and some of
them are masterpieces.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. What of?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Design.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. Whose design?

SECOND YOUNG MAN [_shrugging his shoulders_]. The Lord knows!

FIRST YOUNG MAN [_pointing to the pictures_]. What are these then?

SECOND YOUNG MAN [_with deliberation_]. Carefully planned mistakes.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. Well, we come back again to the question: Why do they
do it?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. If you are happy or unhappy you must do something.
Have you never noticed that? That’s why men marry, go into business,
become bus conductors, or taxi-drivers, or politicians, paint
pictures, start wars, or try to reform something—anything to forget
their feelings! It is unnatural to have feelings as well as being
uncomfortable. No cow is unhappy, no tree is miserable, and a stone
doesn’t even feel the cold.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. So art is just an occupation like any other?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. But immensely more occupying!

FIRST YOUNG MAN. But why is it so satisfying?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Because it makes us forget our pain. It’s like
holding up a bright banana to a hungry elephant: it arrests his
attention even if it doesn’t fill him.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. There’s more in it than that.

SECOND YOUNG MAN [_ironically_]. Heaps more!

FIRST YOUNG MAN. That landscape, for instance.

[_They sit and stare at the picture._

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Wilde was right: paint is much more interesting than
real scenery. That’s good, because it hasn’t any cows in it.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. That man could have painted a cow without reminding
us of milk.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Yes, there are no clichés. Just look at it!
Extraordinary! Don’t you feel as if you were there—and yet it’s like
nothing on earth!

FIRST YOUNG MAN [_slowly_]. One feels it’s not going to rain, and the
sun’s not going to come out either.

SECOND YOUNG MAN [_passionately_]. No, nothing is ever going to
happen, and yet one wouldn’t go away for anything. [_After a long
pause_]. By God! I’ve never seen anything so good! Whose is it?

FIRST YOUNG MAN [_looking at the catalogue_]. Oliver Bath—I see he’s
dead.

SECOND YOUNG MAN [_rising_]. He’s not dead, he’s there! Let’s go.

[_They get up and pass out. The room is empty. Presently a tall
young woman with dark hair and eyes enters, accompanied by a young
man. It is_ MURIEL RAUB, _the daughter of_ SIR SOLOMON RAUB. _The
man is_ LORD BELVOIR.

BELVOIR. Let’s sit down.

[_They sit down opposite the same picture._

MURIEL. What do you think of that?

BELVOIR. It’s queer—all those mountains! I feel nothing lives there.
It’s rather fine.

MURIEL. It’s depressing!

BELVOIR. It’s very strange; don’t you feel that you’ve been there?

MURIEL. No.

BELVOIR [_looking straight in front of him_]. When I look at you I
feel that I am far away, travelling in a country into which I have
never been. It is a country like that, uninhabited but full of
passion; where the mountains hang over the streams as if they were
the invisible silence which surrounds the world charmed into huge
blocks of stone by those toneless voices falling into the abyss of
time. Like those mountains whose melancholy is carved upon the air,
I sit listening to your voice which seems to come, clear but very
small and faint, as if it had barely struggled up from the very
foundations of life to call me out of oblivion, and then to vanish
away.

MURIEL [_moved, after a slight pause_]. How romantic you are! One
would think we were sitting out a dance.

BELVOIR [_vexed_]. I never feel like this at dances. If I like my
partner I simply kiss her.

MURIEL. Really! And does she let you?

BELVOIR. Why not? What else is there to do?

MURIEL [_ironically_]. How nice to have someone so practical! What a
charming partner you must be.

BELVOIR. Have you never been kissed at a dance?

MURIEL. If it is a custom, I suppose I must have been. I’ve never
really noticed.

BELVOIR [_biting his lip_]. Really you are a maddening little devil!

MURIEL. Only a moment ago I was a voice from—I forget where, but
somewhere deep and wonderful.

BELVOIR. So you are, you’re everything, you’ve taken complete
possession of my senses. When I shave I cut myself thinking of you,
when I eat I don’t notice what I’m eating; I gulp down blindly
everything that’s put before me. Half the time I simply don’t know
what I’m doing, for I’m thinking of you, of when I last saw you, of
when I shall see you again. Muriel, I adore you, I cannot live
without you, I....

MURIEL [_putting her hand softly upon his mouth_]. Ssh!

[_The_ MAN-ABOUT-TOWN _and the_ OLD MAN _re-enter_.

OLD MAN [_taking no notice of the couple_]. Of all the follies of
which mankind is capable, love is the most absurd!

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_impressed_]. Really! Is that your serious opinion?

OLD MAN. No, sir, it is not my serious opinion. I have no serious
opinions. I gave them up long ago.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. Still, you think love is absurd.

OLD MAN. It is absurd, because it is never reciprocated. The poets
tell us of couples who have loved equally—couples long ago in the
prehistoric past, but no one has ever met such couples. Love is like
hunger: whoever heard of a reciprocated hunger? You might as well
expect a mutton chop to desire to be eaten!

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. That’s a novel idea. I must say it never occurred to
me before.

OLD MAN. It wouldn’t, sir. Ideas don’t occur to people in this
country. The question in every love-affair is which is the mutton
chop? [_He suddenly sees the couple on the settee and stares
abstractedly at them for the moment. Then he turns and repeats
aloud._] Which is the mutton chop?

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN [_embarrassed_]. Well, what is your opinion, sir, of
this show as a whole?

OLD MAN. My opinion, sir, is that they are all mutton chops; never a
spark of life among them—except that fellow! [_He points to the
landscape_.

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN. What do you think is the reason of the low level of
modern art?

OLD MAN. The reason, sir, is that Nature produces too many fools.

[_They move away and slowly go out._ BELVOIR _and_ MURIEL _wait
until their footsteps are out of hearing_.

MURIEL. Now go on!

BELVOIR. What was I saying?

MURIEL. You were proposing to me.

BELVOIR. Was I? I didn’t know it.

MURIEL [_teasingly_]. Do you mean to say you weren’t going to propose
to me after all that preparation?

BELVOIR. What preparation? Do be serious, Muriel. I love you, I adore
you; it is impossible for me to say what you mean to me.

[_He takes one of her hands._

MURIEL [_mischievously_]. Are you proposing now?

BELVOIR [_throwing aside her hand_]. Damn it, Muriel, you really are
heartless! You don’t care a rap!

MURIEL [_smiling at him_]. How do you know? You’ve never asked me!

BELVOIR [_moodily_]. Does one need to be asked? Did you ever ask me? I
love you! I can’t help loving you! I want to shout it aloud from the
housetops! I want to take every man by the shoulder and say to him,
‘I love Muriel! Poor fellow, _you_ don’t know her!’ I go about all
day with your name on my lips. I am always frightened it will come
out before I can stop it when anyone speaks to me. When I am in the
country, absolutely alone, I can then say your name aloud. It is
wonderful to hear it in that stillness among the hedges and the
clouds.

MURIEL [_softly_]. But don’t you want to know whether I love you?

BELVOIR [_passionately_]. Muriel! My darling! Do you?

MURIEL [_teasing him_]. Well, I might do worse than marry you.

BELVOIR [_rising_]. Really, Muriel, you are the limit! I can’t stand
much more of this sort of thing!

MURIEL [_taking him by the arm and making him sit down_]. I never said
I didn’t love you.

BELVOIR. Well, do you?

MURIEL. It’s possible.

BELVOIR. Possible be damned! Muriel, do you or do you not love me?

MURIEL. I don’t dislike you.

BELVOIR. My God! you really are impossible!

MURIEL [_provokingly_]. Well, why have anything to do with me? I
didn’t ask you to make love to me.

BELVOIR. How can I help it when I look at you? You shouldn’t let me
see you. You are a cold-blooded devil: I am going to leave you!

MURIEL. Very well.

BELVOIR [_despairingly_]. Muriel, you don’t mean it!

MURIEL. Mean what?

BELVOIR [_slowly_]. I am going to ask you once more. Muriel, do you
love me or not? If you don’t answer me, I shall go, and you’ll never
see me again.

MURIEL. How absurd! I shan’t answer it.

BELVOIR [_rising_]. Very well, I’m going.

MURIEL [_taking his arm and drawing him to her, softly_]. Kiss me!

BELVOIR. Muriel! [_They embrace passionately._

[_The_ TWO YOUNG MEN _re-enter_.

SECOND YOUNG MAN. I want to look at that landscape again before we go.

[_He observes_ BELVOIR _who is busy buttoning_ MURIEL’S _unfastened
glove and turns away. They stand regarding the picture in silence
for a few minutes._

I am not so sure that nothing is going to happen. That picture gives
me a most curious sensation. It’s like the feeling that you are
standing in the midst of a scene but that at any moment the whole of
it may crack and give way, and you will fall right through.

FIRST YOUNG MAN. Where to?

SECOND YOUNG MAN. Oh, God knows! Come on, let’s go!

[_They go out. As soon as they are out_, MURIEL _and_ BELVOIR _turn
and kiss passionately_.

MURIEL [_rising_]. Let’s go and have lunch.

BELVOIR [_rising and kissing her hand_]. Muriel darling, do you love
me much?

MURIEL [_gaily_]. Oh, infinitely! Come on, let’s go.

BELVOIR. Wait a minute. I want to buy that picture. I feel it has
something to do with this. [_They look at it._] Don’t you like it?

MURIEL [_with a slight shadow on her gaiety_]. It’s depressing.

BELVOIR. It’s very fine. It has exactly the feeling I should have if I
lost you. What’s its number in the catalogue?

MURIEL. Eighty-seven.

BELVOIR. Let’s find the fellow in charge.

MURIEL [_as they are going_]. Reggie!

[_He takes her in his arms and kisses her. They go out. The room is
empty. Presently an attendant comes in, goes up to the picture and
affixes in its corner on the glass the little red seal signifying
that the picture is sold._

CURTAIN