Chapter II: Part 2

What does the fellow want?

ANOTHER

Where has he sprung from?

GUSTAVE

He won’t go away. It’s another of Virginie’s blunders. As soon as she catches sight of a beggar, she loses her head. It’s really too silly. She let this madman in; and he insists on seeing Aunt Hortense and raising her from the dead.

A GUEST

You should send for the police. Why don’t you?

GUSTAVE

No, no; no scandal! I don’t want the police in the house on a day like this.

ACHILLE

(_Changing his tone._) Gustave.

GUSTAVE

Well?

ACHILLE

Have you noticed that two or three of the flags are cracked, over there on the left, at the end of the hall?

GUSTAVE

Yes, I know. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to have a mosaic floor to take the place of the flags.

ACHILLE

That’ll look more cheerful....

GUSTAVE

And, better still, more modern. Instead of that door, with the lace curtains, I thought of having a painted window illustrating Hunting, Industry and Progress, with a garland of fruit and game.

ACHILLE

Yes, that will be very nice.

GUSTAVE

As for my office, I intend to have it in there (_pointing to the folding-doors_), with the clerks’ office opposite.

ACHILLE

When shall you move in?

GUSTAVE

A few days after the funeral. It would not do to come in the very next day.

ACHILLE

No. But meanwhile we must get rid of this chap.

GUSTAVE

He’s made himself quite at home.

ACHILLE

(_To SAINT ANTHONY._) Won’t you have a chair?

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Naïvely._) No, thank you. I’m not tired.

ACHILLE

Leave him to me. I’ll soon dispose of him. (_Approaching the SAINT, in a friendly tone._) Come, my friend, tell us who you are.

SAINT ANTHONY

I am Saint Anthony.

ACHILLE

Yes, yes, you’re right. (_To the others._) He sticks to it, but he’s quite harmless. (_Noticing the RECTOR among the GUESTS who have crowded around SAINT ANTHONY and giving him an artful and chaffing look._) And here’s the Rector; he knows you, and wants to pay you his respects. Saints are your business, Father: I know more about ploughs and traction-engines. Here’s an emissary from heaven, Father, great Saint Anthony in person, who would like a word with you. (_Under his breath to the RECTOR._) We want to get him quietly to the door, without letting him know. Once he is outside, good-bye.

THE RECTOR

(_In an unctuously paternal tone._) Great Saint Anthony, your humble servant bids you welcome to this world, which you have deigned to honour with your celestial presence. What does your Holiness wish?

SAINT ANTHONY

To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.

THE RECTOR

It’s true that she’s dead, poor lady! Well, the miracle should present no difficulty to the greatest of our saints. The dear departed had a particular devotion to you. I will take you to her, if your Holiness will be good enough to come with me. (_He goes to the street-door and beckons to SAINT ANTHONY._) This way, please.

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Pointing to the folding-doors._) No, that way, in there....

THE RECTOR

(_Still more unctuously._) Your Holiness will pardon me if I venture to contradict you, but the corpse, because of the influx of visitors, has been removed to the house opposite, which, I may mention, also belonged to the dear departed.

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Pointing to the folding-doors._) She is in there.

THE RECTOR

(_More and more unctuously._) Let me beg your Holiness, in order to convince yourself to the contrary, to accompany me for a moment into the street, where you will see the candles and the black hangings....

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Imperturbably, still pointing to the folding-doors._) That is where I shall go.

A GUEST

Did you ever hear any one like him?

GUSTAVE

He’s going a trifle too far.

A GUEST

Let us open the door and all of us push him out together.

GUSTAVE

No, no; no scene! He might lose his temper. He’s very dangerous; he’s enormously strong. Keep your hands off him. Joseph and I, who are no weaklings, either of us, couldn’t make him move an inch. It’s funny, but he seems rooted to the soil.

ACHILLE

But who told him that the corpse was in there?

GUSTAVE

Virginie, of course; she’s been babbling for all she’s worth.

VIRGINIE

Me, sir? Excuse me, sir, not me; I was attending to my work. I answered yes and no, nothing else.... Didn’t I, Saint Anthony? (_The SAINT makes no reply._) Well, can’t you answer when you’re asked a civil question?

SAINT ANTHONY

She did not tell me.

VIRGINIE

There, you see! He’s a saint; he knew it all beforehand. I tell you, there’s nothing he doesn’t know.

ACHILLE

(_Going to the SAINT and tapping him amicably on the shoulder._) Now then, my fine fellow, come on; put your best foot forward, what!

THE GUESTS

Will he go, or won’t he?

ACHILLE

I have an idea.

GUSTAVE

What’s that?

ACHILLE

Where’s the doctor?

A GUEST

He’s still at table; he’s finishing up the trout....

GUSTAVE

(_To JOSEPH._) Go and fetch him. (_Exit JOSEPH._) You’re right, he’s a madman; it’s the doctor’s business. (_Enter JOSEPH and the DOCTOR._)

THE DOCTOR

(_Appears with his mouth full and his napkin tucked under his chin._) What’s up? Is he mad? Is he ill? Is he drunk? (_Looking the SAINT over._) Why, it’s a beggar! I’m of no use in his case. Well, my friend, are things going badly? Is there something we want?

SAINT ANTHONY

I want to raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.

THE DOCTOR

Ah, I see you’re not a medical man! May I have your hand? (_Feels the SAINT’S pulse._) Any pain?

SAINT ANTHONY

No.

THE DOCTOR

(_Feeling his head and forehead._) And here? Does it hurt when I press my finger?

SAINT ANTHONY

No.

THE DOCTOR

Excellent, excellent! Do you ever feel giddy?

SAINT ANTHONY

Never.

THE DOCTOR

And in the past ... no accident, at any time? Let’s have a look at your chest. Say “Ah!” That’s right. Once more; deep breath. Deeper, deeper. That’s right.... And what is it you want, my man?

SAINT ANTHONY

To go into that room.

THE DOCTOR

What for?

SAINT ANTHONY

To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.

THE DOCTOR

She’s not there.

SAINT ANTHONY

She is there. I see her.

GUSTAVE

He sticks to it.

ACHILLE

Couldn’t you give him a hypodermic injection?

THE DOCTOR

What for?

ACHILLE

To send him to sleep. Then we would put him in the street.

THE DOCTOR

No, no; no nonsense. Besides, it’s dangerous.

ACHILLE

That’s his look out, not ours. We’re not paid to take care of madmen, tramps or drunkards.

THE DOCTOR

Shall I give you my opinion?

GUSTAVE

I wish you would.

THE DOCTOR

We have to do with a madman, a rather feeble-minded and quite harmless monomaniac, who may become dangerous, however, if we thwart him. I know the type.... We are among ourselves; moreover, strange though the experiment which he proposes may seem, it involves no lack of respect for the dear departed.... That being so, I don’t see why, in order to avoid any scandal and since he’s asking such a simple thing, we shouldn’t allow him to go into the room for a moment.

GUSTAVE

Never! What’s the world coming to, if the first person that comes along can force his way like this into a respectable household, under the ridiculous pretext of bringing back to life a dead woman who has never done him any harm?

THE DOCTOR

As you please; it’s for you to decide. On the one hand, you have an inevitable scandal, for nothing will make him give up his idea; on the other, a small concession which costs you nothing.

ACHILLE

The doctor’s right....

THE DOCTOR

There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll take the whole responsibility. Besides, we shall all be there and we shall go in with him.

GUSTAVE

Very well, then, let’s have done with it.... But, whatever happens, don’t let this ludicrous incident get about, will you?

ACHILLE

Aunt Hortense’s jewels are put out on the mantelpiece....

GUSTAVE

I know. I’ll keep an eye on them, for I confess that I don’t trust him. (_To SAINT ANTHONY._) It’s this way, come in. But be quick about it; we haven’t lunched yet.

(_GUSTAVE opens the folding-doors, revealing the drawing-room,
in which is a large four-poster, with MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE’S
body laid out upon it. Two lighted candles, a crucifix, a
branch of palm, wreaths. At the back, a glass door leading to
the garden. ALL go in, SAINT ANTHONY and GUSTAVE last._)

GUSTAVE

Here is the body of the dear departed. As you see, she’s quite dead. Are you satisfied?... And now leave us. Let us cut short the experiment. (_To JOSEPH._) Show the gentleman out by the garden-door.

SAINT ANTHONY

Allow me. (_He walks into the middle of the room and stands at the foot of the bed. Turning to the corpse and speaking in a loud, grave voice._) Arise!

GUSTAVE

There, that’ll do! We can’t stand by and allow a stranger to outrage our most sacred feelings; and I ask you once more, for the last time....

SAINT ANTHONY

Allow me, please! (_He goes nearer the bed and raises his voice more authoritatively._) Arise!

GUSTAVE

(_Losing his patience._) That’s enough! We’ll end by quarrelling.... Come, this way: the door’s over here.

SAINT ANTHONY

Allow me!... She is very far away. (_In a deeper and more commanding tone._) Mademoiselle Hortense, return and arise from the dead.

(_To the general amazement, the dead woman first makes
a slight movement and then opens her eyes, unfolds her
hands, raises herself slowly to a sitting posture, puts her
night-cap straight and looks round the room with a crabbed
and discontented air. Next she begins quietly to scratch at a
bit of candle-grease which she has discovered on the sleeve
of her night-gown. There is a moment of overpowering silence;
then VIRGINIE starts from the bewildered group, runs up to the
bed and flings herself into the arms of the woman restored to
life._)

VIRGINIE

Mademoiselle Hortense! She’s alive! Look, she’s scratching at a bit of candle-grease; she’s feeling for her glasses.... Here they are! Here they are!... Saint Anthony! Saint Anthony!... A miracle! A miracle!... On your knees! On your knees!

GUSTAVE

Come, come, be still!... Don’t talk nonsense!... This is no time for....

ACHILLE

There’s no denying it, she’s alive.

A GUEST

But it’s not possible! What has he done to her?

GUSTAVE

You can’t take it seriously. She’ll have a relapse.

ACHILLE

No, no, I assure you. Just see how she’s staring at us.

GUSTAVE

I don’t believe it yet. What are we coming to? Where are the laws of nature? Doctor, what do you say?

THE DOCTOR

(_Embarrassed._) What do I say? What would you have me say? It doesn’t concern me, it’s not my business. It’s absurd and, at the same time, quite simple. If she’s alive, then she was never dead. There’s no reason to be amazed and proclaim a miracle.

GUSTAVE

But you yourself said....

THE DOCTOR

I said, I said.... To begin with, I said nothing positive; and I would have you observe that I have not signed the death-certificate. I even had very serious doubts, but I would not tell you of them, lest I should raise false hopes.... In any case, all this proves nothing; and it is very unlikely that she will live long.

ACHILLE

Meanwhile we must accept the evidence, the happy evidence, of our senses.

VIRGINIE

Yes, yes, we must believe it! There’s not a doubt left! I told you he was a saint, a great saint! Just look at her! She’s alive and as fresh as a rose in June!

GUSTAVE

(_Going to the bed and kissing MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE._) Aunt, my dear aunt, is it really you?

ACHILLE

(_Going to the bed._) Do you know me, aunt? I am Achille, your nephew, Achille.

LÉONTINE

And me, auntie? I am your old niece Léontine.

VALENTINE

And me, my dear godmother, do you know me? I am little Valentine, to whom you left all your silver.

GUSTAVE

She’s smiling.

ACHILLE

Not at all, she looks displeased.

GUSTAVE

But she recognizes us all.

ACHILLE

(_Seeing MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE open her mouth and move her lips._) Listen! She’s going to speak.

VIRGINIE

Heavenly Father!... And she has seen God!... She’ll tell us about the delights of Paradise!... On your knees! On your knees!

ACHILLE

Listen! Listen!

MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE

(_Eyeing SAINT ANTHONY with scorn and disgust. In a shrill and angry voice._) Who is this person? Who has dared to let a bare-footed tramp into my drawing-room? He’s dirtied all the carpets as it is!... Put him out at once!... Virginie, how often have I told you not to let beggars....

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Raising his hand imperiously._) Silence!

(_The AUNT stops suddenly in the middle of her sentence, and
sits up open-mouthed, unable to utter a sound._)

GUSTAVE

You must forgive her, she does not yet know how much she owes you. But we, we know. There’s no question but that what you have done was more than most people could have done. It may have been an accident or ... something else; upon my word, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am proud and happy to shake you by the hand.

SAINT ANTHONY

I should like to go, please. I have work to do.

GUSTAVE

Oh, don’t be in such a hurry! We can’t let you go like this. You shall not leave empty-handed. I don’t know what my aunt will give you: that’s her affair: I cannot promise anything in her name. But, for my part, I will consult my brother-in-law; and, whether it be a coincidence or ... something else, we will pay for the coincidence without quibbling about the amount; and you shall have no reason to regret what you have done. That’s so, Achille, isn’t it?

ACHILLE

Certainly, you will not regret it, on the contrary.

GUSTAVE

We are not tremendously well off; we have wives and children and we have had our disappointments; but, after all, we know how to recognize a kindness; and, if it were only for the honour of the family, it would never do to have it said that a stranger, however poor, came and did us a service without receiving a reward, a decent reward, the best reward that in us lies, a reward in proportion to our means, which, I repeat, are limited.... Oh, I know, there are services which nothing can repay and which are not paid for: you need not tell me that! I know it, I know it: don’t interrupt me. But that’s no reason why we should not do something.... Come, what do you think we owe you? Name your own figure. Of course, you must not ask for anything excessive; we couldn’t give it you; but whatever seems reasonable you shall have.

ACHILLE

My brother-in-law is right: but, while the matter is arranging, I propose to make a little collection among ourselves. That won’t prejudice you in any way and will keep you going for a time.

SAINT ANTHONY

I want to go away, please. I have other work to do.

GUSTAVE

Other work to do! Other work to do! What work can you have to do?... No, I can’t have that; and it’s not nice of you to suggest it. What would people say if they heard that we let you go like this after restoring the dear departed to us? If you won’t take money—and I understand your delicacy of feeling and approve of it—at least you will do us the pleasure of accepting a little keepsake? Oh, don’t be afraid: just a trifle, a cigar-holder, or a tie-pin, or a meerschaum pipe. I could have your name and address and the date engraved on it.

SAINT ANTHONY

No, thank you. I can accept nothing.

GUSTAVE

Do you mean that?

SAINT ANTHONY

I do.

ACHILLE

(_Taking out his cigar-case._) At any rate, you will do us the pleasure of smoking a cigar with us. You can’t refuse that.

SAINT ANTHONY

Thank you, I do not smoke.

GUSTAVE

You’re most discouraging. Still, what would you like? You must have a wish of some sort. You have only to speak, for everything is yours in this house, which you have filled with gladness. It’s all yours. I can’t say more than that. At least, all that one can honestly part with.... Why, it’s an insult to leave us like this!

ACHILLE

Look here, I have an idea that’s not half bad. As our friend won’t accept anything—and, like my brother-in-law, I understand his delicacy, of which, I am sure, we all approve; for life can’t be paid for and has no price—well, since he has shown a disinterested nature which at once makes him our equal, what I want to know is this: why should he not do us the honour of sitting down with us and helping us finish a luncheon which he has so happily interrupted!... What do you all say?... (_Murmurs of restrained approval._)

GUSTAVE

That’s it! The very thing! That settles everything! How clever of you to think of it!... (_To SAINT ANTHONY._) Well, what do you say?... By squeezing a bit, we can easily make room for you. You shall have the seat of honour. The partridges will be cold, but no matter: you have a good appetite, I feel sure!... Well, that’s arranged, eh? There will be no ceremony: we’re decent people and easy-going, as you see....

SAINT ANTHONY

No, really. You must excuse me. I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m expected elsewhere.

GUSTAVE

Oh, come, you can’t refuse us this! Besides, who’s expecting you?

SAINT ANTHONY

Another corpse.

GUSTAVE

A corpse! Another corpse! It won’t run away! Surely you’re not going to put a corpse before us! To throw us over for a corpse!

ACHILLE

No, I see what it is. You would rather go down to the kitchen, wouldn’t you? You’d feel more comfortable there.

GUSTAVE

Then he can come up afterwards for coffee.

ACHILLE

Ah, he’s not refusing! He prefers that! I understand. Virginie, leave your mistress—she doesn’t need you now—and take the gentleman down to your kitchen. Give him some of everything. (_He taps the SAINT familiarly on the stomach._) Ha, ha! You and Virginie are going to have a jolly good time together! I guessed right, didn’t I, you old rogue you! You old sly-boots!

VIRGINIE

(_In a voice of alarm._) Sir!

GUSTAVE

What is it?

VIRGINIE

I don’t know, but Mademoiselle Hortense has lost her speech again.

GUSTAVE

What? She’s lost her speech?

VIRGINIE

Yes, sir, look.... She’s opening her mouth and moving her lips and working her hands but her voice has gone.

GUSTAVE

What is it, aunt? Is there something you want to tell us? (_She nods assent._) And you can’t? There, there, make an effort; it’s a temporary paralysis, that’s all. It will soon pass. (_She makes a sign that she can no longer speak._) What’s the matter with you? What do want? (_To SAINT ANTHONY._) What’s the meaning of this?

SAINT ANTHONY

She will never speak again.

GUSTAVE

She will never speak again? But she has been speaking. You heard her. She even gave you a piece of her mind.

SAINT ANTHONY

It was an oversight on my part. She won’t have her voice again.

GUSTAVE

Can’t you restore it to her?

SAINT ANTHONY

No.

GUSTAVE

And when will it come back?

SAINT ANTHONY

Never.

GUSTAVE

What! Will she remain dumb to the end of her days?

SAINT ANTHONY

Yes.

GUSTAVE

Why?

SAINT ANTHONY

She has beheld mysteries which she may not reveal.

GUSTAVE

Mysteries? What mysteries?

SAINT ANTHONY

The mysteries of the dead.

GUSTAVE

The mysteries of the dead? This is a fresh joke. What do you take us for? No, no, my lad, this won’t do! She spoke; we all heard her; we have witnesses. You have, of malice prepense, deprived her of her power of speech, with an object which I am beginning to see through. You’ll just restore it at once, or....

ACHILLE

It was really not worth while bringing her back to life, to give her to us in this condition.

GUSTAVE

If you could not give her back to us as she was before your stupid and clumsy interference, you would have done better not to have meddled.

ACHILLE

It was a bad action.

GUSTAVE

An abuse of confidence.

ACHILLE

An abuse of confidence: that’s what it was. There is no excuse for it.

GUSTAVE

You’re expecting to blackmail us, perhaps?

ACHILLE

I suppose you think you’re dealing with a pack of fools?

GUSTAVE

Who asked you to come? I hate saying it, but I would rather see her dead than have her back in this state. It’s too cruel, too painful for those who love her. You can’t come like this, under the pretence of working a miracle, and disturb the peace of the people who have done you no harm, bringing unhappiness upon them! A nice thing. But he laughs best who laughs last!

THE DOCTOR

Allow me. Calm yourselves. The man has done wrong, there’s no doubt of that; but we must not blame him: he is probably unaccountable for his actions. (_Going up to SAINT ANTHONY._) Just let me examine your eyes, my friend. That’s it: I knew it! I would not interfere while everybody was thanking him, much too cordially, for the miraculous resurrection which he had wrought. I did not wish to appear to meddle with what does not concern me. I knew what was what; and you see, as I do, that she was not dead at all. There is nothing supernatural or mysterious about all this. It simply means that the fellow possesses rather unusual hypnotic powers; and he has abused them, in order to indulge in a hoax which may be self-interested and which, in any case, is out of place. He came at the right moment, that is all; and it is highly probable that, had he not been here, you and I would have worked the miracle, if miracle there be.

GUSTAVE

Well, what are we to do?

THE DOCTOR

Why, prevent him from doing further mischief by having him locked up! The man’s dangerous!

GUSTAVE

You’re right; we must put a stop to this; besides, I’ve had enough of it.... Joseph!

JOSEPH

Sir?

GUSTAVE

Run to the police-station at the corner; fetch two policemen; tell them to bring a pair of handcuffs with them. He’s a dangerous fellow and capable of everything, as he has shown us only too plainly.

JOSEPH

Very well, sir. (_He runs out._)

SAINT ANTHONY

I beg leave to withdraw.

GUSTAVE

That’s right, old chap, play the innocent. It’s time you did. Yes, you can withdraw; and with a first-class escort. You just wait and see.

(_Enter JOSEPH, followed by a SERGEANT OF POLICE and a
POLICEMAN._)

THE SERGEANT

(_Pointing to SAINT ANTHONY._) Is this the criminal?

GUSTAVE

That’s the man.

THE SERGEANT

(_Touching SAINT ANTHONY on the shoulder._) Where are your papers?

SAINT ANTHONY

What papers?

POLICEMAN

You haven’t any? I knew it. What’s your name?

SAINT ANTHONY

Saint Anthony.

THE SERGEANT

Saint what? Saint Anthony? That’s no name for a Christian. I want the other, your real name.

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Very gently._) I have no other.

THE SERGEANT

Keep a civil tongue in your head, will you? Where did you steal that dressing-gown?

SAINT ANTHONY

I didn’t steal it. It’s mine.

THE SERGEANT

Then it’s I who am lying? Is that what you mean? Say it; don’t mind me!

SAINT ANTHONY

I don’t know. I think.... Perhaps you are mistaken.

THE SERGEANT

I’m making a note of your impertinent observations.... Where do you hail from?

SAINT ANTHONY

From Padua.

THE SERGEANT

Padua? Where’s that? What department?

GUSTAVE

It’s in Italy.

THE SERGEANT

I know, I know. I wanted to make him say it. So you’re an Italian. I thought as much. Where did you last come from?

SAINT ANTHONY

From Paradise.

THE SERGEANT

What Paradise? Where is that land of malefactors?

SAINT ANTHONY

It is the place to which the souls of those who have died in the Lord ascend after their death.

THE SERGEANT

I see, I see, I understand! You’re coming the artful over me! You’re pulling my leg! First you’re impudent and now you’re being clever! Very well, your case is quite clear: we’ll soon settle it.... (_To GUSTAVE._) Let’s hear what he has done. What has he stolen?

GUSTAVE

I can’t yet say for certain that he has stolen anything; I haven’t had time to take stock of things; and I don’t like to accuse him without being sure. We must be just before all things. But he has done something more serious.

THE SERGEANT

I never doubted it.

GUSTAVE

You know the loss which we have suffered. While we were mourning the dear departed and finishing our lunch, he made his way into the house under some pretext or other, with intentions which you can easily guess. He took advantage of the maid’s simplicity and credulousness to have the door opened of the room where the body was laid out. He obviously hoped to turn our disorder and grief to account in order to fish in troubled waters and make a haul. He may have learnt through an accomplice that our aunt’s jewels and silver were put out on the mantelpiece. Unfortunately for him, our aunt was not dead. And, suddenly, seeing this repellent figure in her room, she woke up, cried out and spoke to him roundly and pluckily. Then, to take revenge for his discomfiture, I don’t know how—the doctor will explain—he deprived her of the use of her speech; and, notwithstanding our entreaties, he refuses to restore it to her, naturally hoping to make us pay through the nose. Mind you, I am making no accusations; I am simply stating the facts. As for the rest, you can ask the doctor.

THE DOCTOR

I will furnish all the necessary explanations before the Commissary; if he wishes it, I will draw up a report.

ACHILLE

Meanwhile, there’s no mistake about it: he’s either a criminal or a madman, perhaps both. In any case, he’s a dangerous person who must absolutely be locked up.

THE SERGEANT

That’s quite clear. We’ll get rid of him for you. (_To the POLICEMAN._) Rabutteau!

POLICEMAN

Yes, Sergeant.

THE SERGEANT

The handcuffs.

GUSTAVE

Sergeant, it was very good of you and your mate to come round. Before leaving us, you must do us the pleasure of taking a glass of something with us.

THE SERGEANT

We won’t say no to that, eh, Rabutteau? Especially as the prisoner looks like a tough customer.

GUSTAVE

Joseph, bring a bottle and some glasses. (_Exit JOSEPH._) We will all drink to my aunt’s recovery.

THE SERGEANT

It’ll do us no harm in this weather.

GUSTAVE

Is it still raining?

THE SERGEANT

In torrents. I’ve only come the length of the street; look at my cape.

POLICEMAN

You can’t tell if it’s raining or snowing, but it’s worse than either.

(_Enter JOSEPH with a tray filled with glasses, which he hands round._)

THE SERGEANT

(_Raising his glass._) Ladies and gentlemen, your very good health!

GUSTAVE

(_Touching glasses with the SERGEANT._) Sergeant, your health! (_They all touch glasses with the SERGEANT._) Have another?

THE SERGEANT

I don’t mind. (_Smacking his lips._) That’s good wine, that is!

SAINT ANTHONY

I’m thirsty. I should like a glass of water.

THE SERGEANT

(_Grinning._) A glass of water! D’ye hear him? You shall have some water, my lad; you wait till we’re outside; it’ll come pouring into your mouth.... Come, we’ve hung around long enough.... Rabutteau, the handcuffs; and you, put out your hands....

SAINT ANTHONY

But I haven’t....

THE SERGEANT

What! Resistance and protests! That’s the last straw! They’re all alike! (_A ring at the front-door._)

GUSTAVE

A ring at the bell! (_JOSEPH goes to the front-door._) What’s the time? Perhaps it’s the first guests.

ACHILLE

Hardly. It’s not three yet. (_Enter the COMMISSARY OF POLICE._) Hallo, it’s Monsieur Mitrou, the Commissary of Police!

THE COMMISSARY

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I heard... (_Catching sight of SAINT ANTHONY._) Why, I thought as much: it’s Saint Anthony himself, the great Saint Anthony of Padua!...

GUSTAVE

You know him, then?

THE COMMISSARY

Know him? I should think I did know him! It’s the third time that he’s escaped.... You know, he’s a little.... (_He taps his forehead with his finger._) And at each escape he does the same tricks: he cures the sick, heals cripples, practises medicine without a license—in short, commits a number of illegal actions.... (_Goes up to SAINT ANTHONY and examines him more attentively._) Yes, it’s he.... Or at least.... But he has changed a good deal since his last escapade.... Anyway, if it’s not he, it must be his brother.... There’s something that’s not quite clear to me. We’ll look into it at the police-station. Come along, I’m in a hurry; come along, lads, quick, to the station, to the station!

GUSTAVE

Better let him out this way, through the garden; it’ll attract less notice. (_JOSEPH opens the garden door, admitting a whirl of rain, sleet and wind._)

ACHILLE

Brrr, what weather! It’s raining, snowing, hailing! (_They push SAINT ANTHONY to the door._)

VIRGINIE

(_Running up._) But, sir, the poor man!... Look, he’s bare-footed!

GUSTAVE

Well, what of it? Do you want us to send for a carriage? Or a shrine, perhaps?

VIRGINIE

No, I’ll lend him my sabots. Take them, Saint Anthony; I have another pair.

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Putting on the sabots._) Thank you. (_His halo lights up._)

VIRGINIE

And are you putting nothing on your head? You’ll catch cold.

SAINT ANTHONY

I haven’t anything.

VIRGINIE

Take my little shawl. I’ll run and fetch you my umbrella. (_She hurries out._)

ACHILLE

The old fool.

GUSTAVE

This is all very well, but meanwhile we’re standing in the devil of a draught.... Come, take him to the station and let’s have an end of this.

VIRGINIE

(_Returning with an enormous umbrella, which she offers to SAINT ANTHONY._) Here’s my umbrella.

SAINT ANTHONY

(_Showing his hands._) They’ve fastened my hands.

VIRGINIE

I’ll hold it for you. (_Standing on the threshold, she opens the umbrella to shelter SAINT ANTHONY, who goes out between the two POLICEMEN, followed by the COMMISSARY. The SAINT’S halo shines under the umbrella; and the group moves away over the snow in the garden._)

GUSTAVE

(_Closing the door._) At last!

ACHILLE

A good riddance to bad rubbish!

GUSTAVE

(_Going to the bed._) Well, aunt?

ACHILLE

What’s the matter with her? She’s sinking, she’s falling back on the bed!

THE DOCTOR

(_Hurrying forward._) I don’t know.... I’m afraid....

GUSTAVE

(_Leaning over the bed._) Aunt, aunt!... Well?

THE DOCTOR

This time she is really dead. I told you so.

GUSTAVE

Impossible!

ACHILLE

But, doctor, look here! Is there nothing to be done?

THE DOCTOR

Nothing at all, I fear.

(_A pause during which all gather round the bed._)

GUSTAVE

(_The first to recover his self-possession._) What a day!...

ACHILLE

Hark to the storm!...

GUSTAVE

After all, we were a little unkind to the poor beggar. If you come to think of it, he really did us no harm!

CURTAIN