Chapter XI: Views of Matrimony

There is no subject connected with education which has so important a bearing on human happiness as the views young people are taught to entertain with regard to matrimonial connexions. The dreams of silly romance, half vanity, and half passion, on the one hand, and selfish calculation on the other, leave but precious little of just thinking and right feeling on the subject. The greatest and most prevailing error in education consists in making lovers a subject of such engrossing and disproportionate interest in the minds of young girls. As soon as they can walk alone, they are called ‘little sweet-heart,’ and ‘little wife;’ as they grow older, the boyish liking of a neighbor, or school-mate, becomes a favorite jest; they often hear it said how lucky such and such people are, because they ‘_married off_’ all their family so young; and when a pretty, attractive girl is mentioned, they are in the habit of hearing it observed, ‘She will be married young. She is too handsome and too interesting to live single long.’

I have frequently said that such sort of accidental remarks do in fact _educate_ children, more than direct maxims; and this applies with peculiar force to the subject of matrimony. Such observations as I have quoted, give young girls the idea that there is something degrading in not being married young; or, at least, in not having had offers of marriage. This induces a kind of silly pride and restless vanity, which too often ends in ill-assorted connexions. I had a sweet young friend, with a most warm and generous heart, but a giddy, romantic brain. Her mother was weak-minded and indulgent, and had herself been taught, in early life, to consider it the chief end and aim of existence to get married. She often reminded her daughters, that she was but sixteen when she was married, and had then refused two or three lovers. Of course, when my charming, sentimental little friend was sixteen, she began to feel uneasy under a sense of disgrace; her pride was concerned in having a beau as early as her mother had one; and this feeling was a good deal strengthened by the engagement of two or three young companions. It unluckily happened that a dashing, worthless young man was introduced to her about this time. A flirtation began, which soon ended in an offer of his hand. He said he was in good business, and she saw that he wore a handsome coat, and drove a superb horse; and, more than all, she thought what a triumph it would be to be engaged at sixteen. She married him. It was soon discovered that he was careless, dissipated, and very poor. In no respect whatever had he sympathy with my sensitive, refined, but ill-educated friend. She discovered this too late. She would have discovered it at first, had her mind been _quiet_ on the subject of matrimony. A wretched life might have been spared her, if her mother had left her heart to develope naturally, under the influences of true affection, as the lily opens its petals to the sunshine. Her marriage was called a _love-match_; and as such was held up by ambitious parents as a salutary warning. But there never was a greater misnomer. She had not a particle of love for the man. She married him because he happened to be the first that offered, and because she felt ashamed not to be engaged as soon as her companions.

But heedless vanity and silly romance, though a prolific source of unhappy marriages, are not so disastrous in their effects as worldly ambition, and selfish calculation. I never knew a marriage expressly for money, that did not end unhappily. Yet managing mothers, and heartless daughters, are continually playing the same unlucky game. I look upon it as something more than bad policy for people to marry those to whom they are, at best, perfectly indifferent, merely for the sake of wealth; in my view it is absolutely unprincipled. Happiness cannot result from such connexions, because it ought not. A mother who can deliberately advise a daughter thus to throw away all chance of domestic bliss, would, were it not for the fear of public opinion, be willing to sell her to the Grand Sultan, to grace his seraglio. Disguise the matter as we may, with the softening epithets of ‘prudent match,’ ‘a good establishment,’ &c., it is, in honest truth, a matter of bargain and sale.

I believe men more frequently marry for love, than women; because they have a freer choice. I am afraid to conjecture how large a proportion of women marry because they think they shall not have a better chance, and dread being dependent. Such marriages, no doubt, sometimes prove tolerably comfortable; but great numbers would have been far happier single. If I may judge by my own observation of such matches, marrying for a home is a most tiresome way of getting a living.

One of the worst effects resulting from _managing_ about these things, is the disappointment and fancied disgrace attendant upon a failure; and with the most artful manœuvring, failures in such schemes are very frequent. Human policy sketches beautiful patterns, but she is a bad weaver; she always entangles her own web. I am acquainted with two or three managing mothers, who have pretty children; and in the whole circle of my acquaintance, I know of none so unfortunate in disposing of their daughters. The young ladies would have married very well, if they had not been taught to act a part; now, they will either live single, or form ill-assorted, unhappy connexions. If they live single, they will probably be ill-natured and envious through life; because they have been taught to attach so much importance to the mere circumstance of getting married, without any reference to genuine affection. A woman of well-regulated feelings and an active mind, may be very happy in single life,--far happier than she could be made by a marriage of expediency. The reason old maids are proverbially more discontented than old bachelors, is, that they have generally so much less to occupy their thoughts. For this reason, it is peculiarly important, that a woman’s education should furnish her with abundant resources for employment and amusement. I do not say that an unmarried woman can be as happy as one who forms, with proper views and feelings, a union, which is unquestionably the most blessed of all human relations; but I am very certain that one properly educated need not be unhappy in single life.

The great difficulty at the present day is, that matrimony is made a subject of pride, vanity, or expediency; whereas it ought to be a matter of free choice and honest preference. A woman educated with proper views on the subject could not be excessively troubled at not being married, when in fact she had never seen a person for whom she entertained particular affection; but one taught to regard it as a matter of pride, is inevitably wretched, discontented, and envious, under the prospect of being an old maid, though she regards no human being with anything like love.

Some mothers are always talking about the cares, and duties, and sacrifices incident to married life; they are always urging their daughters to ‘enjoy themselves while they are single’--‘to be happy while they have a chance,’--but at the same time that they give such a gloomy picture of domestic life, (making it a frightful bugbear to the young imagination,) they urge upon them the necessity of getting married for respectability’s sake. They _must_ be ‘well settled,’ as the phrase is. The victim must be sacrificed, because the world’s opinion demands it.

I once heard a girl, accustomed to such remarks, say, with apparent sincerity, ‘I should like of all things to be married, if I could be sure my husband would die in a fortnight; then I should avoid the _disgrace_ of being an old maid, and get rid of the restraint and trouble of married life.’ Strange and unnatural as such a sentiment may appear, it was just what might have been expected from one accustomed to such selfish views of a relation so holy and blessed in its nature. It is all-important that charming pictures of domestic life should be presented to the young. It should be described as,--what it really is,--the home of woman’s affections, and her pleasantest sphere of duty. Your daughter should never hear her own marriage speculated or jested upon; but the subject in general should be associated in her mind with everything pure, bright, and cheerful.

I shall be asked if I do not think it extremely desirable that daughters should marry well; and whether the secluded, domestic education I have recommended is not very unfavorable to the completion of such wishes,--for how can they be admired, when they are not seen? It certainly is very desirable that daughters should marry well, because it wonderfully increases their chance of happiness. The unchangeable laws of God have made reciprocated affection necessary to the human heart; and marriage formed with proper views is a powerful means of improving our better nature. But I would not say, or do anything, to promote a union of this sort. I would have no scheming, no managing, no hinting. I would never talk with girls about the beaux, or suffer them to associate with those who did. I would leave everything to nature and Divine Providence--with a full belief that such reliance would do more and better for me than I could effect by my own plans. I do not think a secluded, domestic education is unfavorable to chances of happy matrimonial connexions. A girl with a good heart, a full mind, and modest, refined manners, cannot fail to be attractive. Make her a delightful companion to her own family; teach her to be happy at home; and trust Divine Providence to find her a suitable partner. If she has been taught to think the regulation of her own heart and mind of greater importance than anything else, she cannot be unhappy whatever may be her lot in life; and her chance for a happy marriage will be abundantly greater than it could be made by the most adroit management.

It is evident that the greatest safeguard against improper attachments consists in the character you have given your daughter, by the manner of educating her. A refined young lady will not naturally be in love with vulgarity; nor will a pure mind have any sympathy with the vicious and unprincipled. But as vice often wears the garb of virtue, and as youth is, from its very innocence, unsuspecting, it is incumbent upon parents to be extremely careful with what sort of young men they allow their daughters to associate. Acquaintance with any particular person should not be expressly forbidden, because such restraint is likely to excite the very interest you wish to avoid; but, without saying anything on the subject, do not encourage your daughter in going to places where she will meet a fascinating young man, to whom you have decided objections; and if you discover the smallest symptoms of mutual interest between the parties, remove her from home, if possible, to some place where her mind will soon become interested in new occupations. A prudent parent will always remember that it is extremely natural for young people to get deeply interested in those they see frequently; and that it is far easier, and better, to prevent an attachment, than it is to conquer it after it is formed. I would never, even by the most trifling expression, lead my daughter to think of her acquaintances as future lovers; but I should myself recollect the possibility of such a circumstance, and would not therefore encourage an acquaintance with any man, whom I should be very unwilling to see her husband. ‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.’

In affairs of this kind strong opposition is very impolitic. It rarely effects its purpose; and if it does, it is through much misery and trouble. I doubt whether parents have a right to forbid the marriage of their children, after they are old enough to think and decide for themselves; but while they are quite young, I do think they have an undoubted right to prevent marriage, until the laws of the land render them free from parental authority. But where this is done, it should be with great mildness and discretion: it should be resorted to only from a desire to leave young people a perfect freedom of choice, at an age when they are more capable of feeling deeply and judging wisely.

Where there is any immorality of character, it becomes an imperative duty for parents to forbid an engagement while the parties are young. If it is persisted in, after they are old enough to be as discreet as they ever will be, there is no help for it; but I do not believe one, whose heart and mind had been properly educated, would ever persist in such a course.

The three great questions to be asked in deciding whether a union is suitable and desirable, is, 1st, Has the person good principles? 2d, Has he, or she, a good disposition? 3d, Is there a strong, decided, deeply-founded preference? Connexions which are likely to lead a woman into a sphere of life to which she has been unaccustomed, to introduce her to new and arduous duties,--and to form a violent contrast to her previous mode of life,--should not be entered into, except at mature age, and with great certainty that affection is strong enough to endure such trials. But where there is deep, well founded love, and an humble reliance on Divine Providence, all things will work right in the end.

CONCLUDING CHAPTER.

It has been jestingly said, that ‘they who have no children, always know how to manage them well;’ and the assertion is sustained by the fact that nearly all books on education have been written by those who never were parents. This was the case with Locke, Edgeworth, Hamilton, and Barbauld. If their wise words are less valuable on this account, what plea can I urge for my own imperfect suggestions? Childless myself, I can only plead my strong love for children, and my habitual observation of all that concerns them. I offer this little book in all humility, happy in the conviction that it inculcates no evil, if it does not attain to the highest truths.

It was published fourteen years ago, and is now republished at the request of a few friends. Were I to write it now, it would not be precisely as it is; but on comparing this stereotyped record with my present views, I find that I have not _changed_, I have only _grown_.

On one subject, this growth has sufficiently modified my opinions, to make some recantation necessary; I mean on the subject of punishment. I have, throughout the work, alluded to whipping as sometimes, and to a moderate degree, necessary. I now believe otherwise. Such measures may, of course, secure a more prompt obedience, by exciting fear; but I believe this can never be done without injury to the child.

I have a very judicious friend, the mother of a fine family. With her first two children, she acted upon the commonly received idea that it was sometimes necessary to slap them, when they were naughty. She observed, however, that this never failed to excite some degree of resentment, and more or less diverted their attention from the wrong they had done, to the injury they suffered. With her younger children, she discontinued whipping, and substituted milder forms of punishment, such as shutting them up in a room by themselves, making them go to bed supperless, &c. This excited their evil feelings less; but, in some degree, this likewise turned their attention from their own fault to the punishment inflicted. The accusation, which should have fallen with its whole weight on themselves, was partially bestowed on the parent. Something of resistance and rebellion was always roused, though its outward manifestation might be restrained by the fear of additional punishment. My friend was a wise woman, and she knew that it was far better to avoid contests with her children, than to come off victorious in them. The less the combative principle is roused into activity, before reason and conscience are mature enough to regulate it, the better. Habits of the mind, whether good or bad, are strengthened in this way, as the muscles of a gold-beater’s arm grow stout by constant use. If a child is of an obstinate temper, it is therefore better to treat any little matter of difference lightly, than to rouse his besetting sin by compulsory efforts to subdue him. It is better to keep his obstinacy as quiescent as possible, till he is old enough to be reasoned with, and thus taught to employ his perseverance for worthy and noble ends.

Acting upon this principle of not arousing evil feelings, if possible to avoid it, my friend resolved to try, with her youngest girl, the effect of sorrow instead of penalty. She was very volatile, and her mother had many doubts whether the experiment would prove successful. The first time she tried it was on the occasion of visiting a relative. The child was extremely desirous to accompany her parents, but was told that it was unsuitable for her to be out so late as they intended to stay. Habitual firmness had taught her that teasing was of no avail; and she soon gave up the effort. At parting, her mother bade her be a good girl, and go quietly to bed at eight o’clock, and in the morning she should hear all about the visit. At ten o’clock, her parents returned, and seated themselves at the parlor fire, chatting over the events of the evening. Presently, they heard a timid, half-suppressed giggle; and, looking round, they saw little Mary peeping from under the table. ‘My daughter, how is it that you are not in bed?’ said her mother, calmly. The little rogue stole forth from her hiding-place, and looked very sheepish, as she answered, ‘Why, mother, I wanted to sit up till you came back.’ ‘But I told you to go to bed at eight. My little daughter knows she has done very wrong.’ The culprit stood a while in perplexity. She expected to be ordered instantly to bed, or at least to be reproved. But her parents went on talking with each other, as if she were not in the room; and at last, she hesitatingly drew up her little stool, and seated herself at her mother’s side. After a while, she plucked up courage to ask about the visit. Who was there? Did anybody say anything about me? &c. Her mother answered all her questions, very kindly, though somewhat sadly. At length, she said, ‘Mother, I think it is time for me to go to bed.’ ‘Well, Mary. Let me unpin your clothes. It is bright moonlight, and you will need no lamp. Do not waken Elizabeth.’

The child lingered and hesitated, and at last said, ‘May I kiss you and father?’ They drew her toward them, imprinted a kiss on her lips, and bade her an affectionate good night.

After she had gone, they queried with each other whether this mode of treatment would make her think lightly of her fault, and more prone to be disobedient in future. She was such a frolicksome, thoughtless child, that they were not without fears that it might be so. They were even doubtful whether she noticed the sadness of their tones, when they kissed her and bade her good night; for she went away smiling, and tripped lightly up stairs. But when her mother retired for the night, she had scarcely placed her head on the pillow, before she heard little bare feet padding across the entry floor; and a moment after, a little curly head was on her bosom, sobbing out, ‘Oh, mother dear, I can’t go to sleep. Forgive me. I know I did very wrong.’ Sweet moments of reconciliation passed between parents and child in the still moonlight; and then the little one went to her pillow, and slept as the lambs sleep.

The perfect kindness with which she had been treated, while she felt that her parents were grieved by her conduct, left no work for her heart to do, but to accuse herself; and only by confession and repentance could she be at peace.

Whether such a course would always produce similar results, I will not venture to say; but every day of my life I become more and more convinced of the omnipotence of love in subduing all evil. It is indeed absolutely necessary that gentleness should be united with uncompromising firmness. Children should never be allowed to gain their point, in opposition to any rule that has been established for them. To be at once gentle and unyielding, requires a strong effort. Hence, many people, who dislike severity, fall into the opposite extreme of injudicious indulgence; and their example is often quoted in favor of the old-fashioned rigidity of discipline.

Whipping is, however, coming more and more into disrepute; and before long, no wise parent will practise it, or allow his child to attend a school where it is practised. To attain the difficult habit of being both mild and firm, of studying in all things the permanent good of the child, rather than present convenience to self, requires a humble and self-denying spirit. The moral atmosphere which emanates from a parent’s habitual state of mind greatly affects the children. If they are quiet, gentle, and refined, it will be reflected in the habits and manners of the family. If they are rough, impatient, or noisy, the children will be little bedlamites, however much good advice they may give, in opposition to their own example.

It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of the spiritual atmosphere of home; of the thousand little things done and said without calculation of results; of the daily and hourly emanations from our own characters. It has been beautifully said,

‘Education does not commence with the alphabet. It begins with a mother’s look--with a father’s nod of approbation, or a sigh of reproof--with a sister’s gentle pressure of the hand, or a brother’s noble act of forbearance--with handfuls of flowers in green and daisy meadows--with birds’ nests admired but not touched--with creeping ants and almost imperceptible emmets--with humming bees and glass bee-hives--with pleasant walks in shady lanes--and with thoughts directed, in sweet and kindly words, to nature, to beauty, to acts of benevolence, to deeds of all virtue, and to the source of all good, to God himself.’

Is not our Heavenly Father kind to entrust to our care these little innocent souls, that we ourselves may enter his kingdom, by the prayerful effort to keep them forever near their guardian angels?

PUBLISHED BY C. S. FRANCIS & CO., NEW-YORK.

Writings of L. Maria Child.

PHILOTHEA: A GRECIAN ROMANCE.

A New and Beautiful Edition, Revised and Corrected.

“This novel, as its title indicates, is an attempt to paint the manners and life of Grecian Classical times. Mrs. Child has some intellectual traits, which are well suited to success in this field of literary enterprize. She has a vigorous and exuberant imagination, and an accurate eye for beauty of form. She understands the harmonious construction of language, and can describe both nature and society with liveliness and truth. Her style, in its general character, is rich and eloquent; abounding in brilliant turns and fanciful illustrations. It is generally simple, energetic, and impressive; but sometimes it is too dazzling. The time selected by Mrs. Child is the most brilliant period in the history of Athens.

“We cannot leave the book, without expressing our persuasion that it will take a prominent place in our elegant literature. Every page of it breathes the inspiration of genius, and shows a highly cultivated taste in literature and art.”--_N. A. Rev._

LETTERS FROM NEW-YORK.

First and Second Series.

“Mrs. Child is a wonderful woman. It is not likely that all her thoughts will find currency in the world, at this day, and be received as the common-place of the mind; but those, who will regard her as visionary and enthusiastic, will yet admire her originality; and those who think the visionary to be weak in mind, will be startled by such boldness of thought, as none but the strong can conceive; yet visionary and enthusiastic as some may pronounce her, and bold to think what the present thinks itself unprepared for, there is nothing of harsh statement to be found in her expressions. So far from it, that her mind rather resembles the vine which hangs in graceful festoons upon the oak; and its visions remind one not of the splendours of a thunder-storm with gleams of lightning at night, but of the soft light of the morning, or the clouds which crowd around the west to see the sun go down. A gentler, purer, happier spirit, it has not been our fortune to meet with in print.”--_Bost. Cour._

THE MOTHER’S BOOK.

New Edition--Revised and Amended.

The value and usefulness of this little book is well known,--it having passed through eight editions in this country and twelve in England.

_Contents of the Chapters._--I. On the means of developing the bodily senses in earliest infancy.--II. Early development of the affections.--III. Early cultivation of intellect.--IV. Management in childhood.--V. Amusements and employments.--VI. Sunday. Religion. Views of Death. Supernatural appearances.--VII. Advice concerning books. List of good books for various ages.--VIII. Politeness.--IX. Beauty. Dress. Gentility.--X. Management during the teens.--XI. Views of Matrimony.--Concluding observations.

FLOWERS FOR CHILDREN.

A Series of volumes in Prose and Verse, for Children of various ages.

“These are flowers which have budded and blossomed for others beside children; and as none may now look upon the lilies of the field, bowing their heads in pure effulgence, or in gorgeous luxuriance of show, without remembering a lesson impressed upon every petal, by that mild look of the Saviour’s, which he gave them while observing that human hearts might be instructed by them, so these little flowers, gathered in the fields of Christian wisdom, in the company of the spirit of the Saviour, suggest lessons to instruct the minds of the wisest, and open the springs of pure emotion in the hearts of the best.”--_Boston Courier._

“Verily, we are delighted ourselves, and congratulate our readers who are blessed with the heritage of children, upon this accession to our juvenile libraries, and hope that Mrs. Child will not be chary of her volumes. These “Flowers” are so sweet and unfading that we would make our youngsters’ libraries redolent of their perfume and beauty.”--_Commercial Advertiser._

Interesting Games.

THE PICKWICK CARDS,

Invented by SAMUEL WELLER, for the Entertainment of his Friends, Old and Young.

Twenty-five cards, enclosed in a neat case; each card having on it a scene or character from the writings of Dickens; with directions for playing three different games, for the amusement of evening parties. Price 50 cents.

SHAKSPERE IN A NEW DRESS.

Thirty cards, containing fifty-two choice quotations from Shakspere, with a list of questions, to be answered from the cards. So arranged as to form an interesting round game, with forfeits. Price 50 cents.

NEW FORTUNE-TELLER.

THE ORACLE OF FORTUNE, and Guide to Wealth and Success.

“These interesting cards combine all the information necessary to secure Wealth, and Success in matters of Love or Money; they are constructed on the principles which the late Baron Rothschild found so eminently successful, and combine the requisite mixture of shrewd suggestions, wise calculations, and cautious admonitions, to direct any one in the way to good luck.” Price 50 cents.

THE BOY’S OWN BOOK.

A Complete Encyclopedia of all the Diversions, Athletic, Scientific, and Recreative, of Boyhood and Youth.

Including Games with Marbles, Tops, Balls, Sports of Agility and Speed, Toys, Archery, Cricket, Gymnastics, Swimming; Arithmetical, Optical and Chemical Amusements; Checkers, Cards, Legerdemain, Puzzles, Riddles, Angling, Fencing, &c. &c. &c., with very numerous engravings.

THE AMERICAN GIRL’S BOOK;

Or, OCCUPATION FOR PLAY HOURS. By Miss Leslie.

Including all the Sports and Pastimes suited to Girls; Plays with Toys, Games with Cards, Riddles, Amusing and Fancy Needle-Work, Card-Work, &c. &c.

PARLOUR MAGIC

Or, BOYS’ BOOK OF AMUSING EXPERIMENTS.

Containing Transmutations; Experiments in Sight and Sound; on Light and Heat; on Gas and Steam; on Fire, Water, and Air; Sleights and Subtleties; Miscellaneous Experiments.

GYMNASTIC EXERCISES.

Paul Preston’s Book of Gymnastics; or Sports for Youth to promote Health and Long Life.

Containing directions for Exercises on the Parallel Bars, Horizontal Pole, Horse Exercise, Running, Leaping, Throwing the Spear, Climbing, &c. &c. &c., with illustrative diagrams.

Transcriber’s Notes

Errors in punctuation have been fixed.

Page 72: “satfactorily” changed to “satisfactorily”

Page 92: “that Cinderilla” changed to “that Cinderella” “therfore it cannot” changed to “therefore it cannot”

In the ads, “combin the requisite” changed to “combine the requisite”