Chapter XIX: Letter XII

GIVING AN ABSTRACT OF A GREAT ORATOR'S FLAGGING SPEECH, AND RECORDING A DEATHLESS EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.

WASHINGTON, D.C., September 8th, 1861.

The weather in the neighborhood of Chain Bridge still continues to bear hard on fat men, my boy, and the man who carries a big stomach around with him will be a person in reduced circumstances before he gets to be a colonel. The Brigadier-General of the Mackerel Brigade observed, the other day, that he had been in hot water four weeks running, and ordered me to work six hours in the trenches for not laughing at the joke; he said that old Abe had people expressly to laugh at his jokes, and had selected his Cabinet officers because they all had large mouths, and could laugh easily; he said that he was resolved to have his own jokes appreciated, and if he didn't, he'd be perditionized. It's my impression--I say it's my impression, my boy, that the general got off his best joke when he promised the Mackerel Brigade to look after their interests as though they were his brothers. He may look after them, my boy, but it's after they're out of sight. I don't say that he takes advantage of us: but I know that just after a basket of champagne was sent to the camp, directed to me, yesterday, I saw him sitting on an empty basket in his tent, trying to wind up his watch with a corkscrew. I asked him what time it was, and he said the Conzstorshun must and shall be blockade--dade--did. I told him I thought so myself, and he immediately burst into tears, and said he should never see his mother again.

On Tuesday, there was a rumor that the Southern Confederacy had attacked at regiment at Alexandria, for the purpose of creating a confusion, so that it might pick the colonel's pockets, and Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, was ordered to go instantly to the rescue. Just as we were ready to march, a distinguished citizen of Washington presented a sword to the colonel from the ladies of the Capital, and made an eloquent speech. He spoke of the wonderful manner in which the world was called out of chaos at the creation, and spoke feelingly of the Garden of Eden, and the fall of our first parents; he then went on to review the many changes the earth had experienced since it was first created, and described the method of the ancients to cook bread before stoves were invented; he then spoke of the glories of Greece and Rome, giving a full history of them from the beginning to the present time; he then went on to describe the origin of the republican and democratic parties, reading both platforms, and giving his ideas of Jackson's policy; he then gave an account of the war of the Roses in England, and the cholera in Persia, attributing the latter to a sudden change in the atmosphere; he then went on to speak of the difficulties encountered by Columbus in discovering this country, and gave a history of his subsequent career and death in Europe; he then read an extract from Washington's Farewell Address; in conclusion, he said that the ladies of Washington had empowered him to present this here sword to that ere gallant colonel, in the presence of these here brave defenders of their country.

At the conclusion of this speech, starvation commenced to make great ravages in the regiment, and the colonel was so weak, for want of sleep, that he had to be carried to his tent. A private remarked to me, that, if we could only have one more such presentation speech as that, the regiment would be competent to start a grave-yard before it was finished. I believe him, my boy!

When the presentation was finished, the colonel announced from his camp-bedstead that the rumor of a fight at Alexandria was all a hum, and ordered us back to our tents. We hadn't been to our tents for such a long time, that some of us couldn't find them, and one of our boys actually wandered around until he found himself at home in New York.

The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, had a great engagement yesterday, and came very near repulsing the enemy. We were ordered to march forward in three columns, until we came within five miles of the enemy, Colonel Wobbles leading the first; Mr. Wobbles, the second; and Wobbles, the third. In the advance our lines presented the shape of a clam-shell, but as we neared the point of danger, they gradually assumed more of the form of a cone, the rear-guard being several times as thick as the advance guard. When within six miles of the seceshers, we planted our battery of four six pounders, and opened a horrible fire of shot and shell on the adjacent country. The seceshers replied with a hail of canister and shrapnell, and for eight hours the battle raged fearfully, but without hurting anybody, as the hostile forces were too far apart to reach each other with shot. Finally, Colonel Wobbles sent a messenger, by railroad, to ask the seceshers what they wanted, and they said they only wanted to be let alone. On receiving this reply, Colonel Wobbles was much affected, and ordered us to march back to camp, which we did.

This affair was really a great victory for the Union, my boy, and I cannot refrain from giving short biographical sketches of the leaders concerned in it, commencing with

COLONEL WOBBLES.

This gallant officer, on whom the eyes of the whole world are now
turned, was born at an exceedingly early age, in the place of his
nativity. When but a mere boy, he evinced a fondness for the law,
and his father, who was his mother's husband, placed him in the
office of the late Daniel Webster. He practised law for some years,
but failed to find any clients, and finally started a grocery store
under Jackson's administration. At this time, Calhoun's peculiar
views were agitating Christendom, and Mr. Wobbles married a
daughter of the late John Thomas, by whom he had no children. When
the war broke out in Mexico, he left the grocery business, and
opened a liquor store on the estate of the late J. Smith, and
accumulated sufficient money to send his family into the country.
Colonel Wobbles is now about eighty-five years old.

MR. WOBBLES.

This heroic young officer, now attracting so much attention, drew
his first breath among the peaceful scenes of home, from which the
captious might have augured anything but a soldier's destiny for
him. While yet very young, he was remarkable for his proficiency in
making dirt-pies, and went to school with the sons of the late Mr.
Jones. In 1846, he did not graduate at West Point; but when the war
broke out between Mexico and the United States, he married a niece
of the late Daniel Webster. It was also at this period of his
eventful career that he first became a husband, and shortly after
the birth of his eldest child, it was rumored that he had also
become a father. He entered the present war as a military man. He
is now but forty years old.

WOBBLES.

This noble patriot soldier, whose name is now a household word all
over the world, was reared from infancy in the village of his
birth, and took a prominent part in the meals of his family. While
yet a youth, the Florida war broke out, and he attended the
high-school of the late Mr. Brown. On arriving of age, he was just
twenty-one years old, and was not a student at West Point. Shortly
after this event, he married a cousin of the late Daniel Webster,
and during the Mexican War he had one child, who still bears his
father's name. Wobbles is now sixty years old.

You will observe, my boy, that these noble officers have merited the commissions of brigadier-generals, and if they don't get them they'll resign. Colonel Wobbles told me this morning, that if he resigned the army would all go to pieces. I believe him, my boy!--field pieces.

Yours, biographically,

ORPHEUS C. KERR.