Chapter M: Maurice Boissard

We have with us today the entrails of a mother!

AN AUTHOR WHO HAS A PLAY ACCEPTED BY THE COMEDIE-FRANÇAISE

My friend, you do not look very confident today. I am going to explain the meaning of several words from the theatrical vocabulary. Listen attentively and remember them if you can.

_Acheron_ (ch hard)--A river of Hades, not of hell.

_Artists_ (two types)--Is never used except in speaking of a comedian or a comedienne.

_Brother_--Avoid using this substantive together with "little." The adjective "young" is more proper.

NOTA BENE--This phrase does not apply to operettas.

"_High Life_"--This very French expression is translated in English as "_fashionable people._"

_Liaisons_--They are always dangerous in the theatre.

_Papa_--Two negatives are equal to an affirmative.

_Cooked Potatoes_--(never used in the singular)--A crudity that is deleterious to the stomach.

_Tut-tut_--This worn expression...

Would you like to have some titles for plays also? They are very important in order to succeed. Here are some sure ones:

THE CONTOUR; _The Circumference_; THE CONDOR; _Hurry up Harry_; THE TOWER; _Louise, your shirt is coming out_; STEP ALONG; _The Mysterious Bar_; HUNDREDTH TO THE RIGHT; _The Magician_; THE GUELF; _I am going to kill you_; MY PRINCE; _The Artichoke_; THE SCHOOL FOR LAWYERS; _The Torch-bearer!_

Good-bye, sir, don't thank me.

A GREAT CRITIC

Gentlemen, I have come to give you a report of the triumph, last night. Are you ready? I begin:

GRIT AND GRIP

A play in three acts by Messrs. Julien Tandis, Jean de la Fente, Prosper Mordus and Mmes Nathalie de l'Angoumois, Jane Fontaine and the countess M. Des Etangs, etc. Sets by Messrs. Alfred Mone, Leon Minie, Al. de Lemere. Costumes by Jeanette, hats by Wilhelmine, properties by the MacTead Company, phonographs by Hernstein and Company, sanitary napkins by Van Feuler Brothers.

I recall the captive who dared to p... before Sesostris. I never saw a more poignant scene than this from the play of Messrs, and Mmes etc. I must speak of the scene which made such a great hit at the opening night and in which the financier Prominoff bursts into a fit of rage against the coroner.

The play, which was very good, otherwise, did not accomplish all that was expected of it. The courtesan wife who feathers her nest out of the green old age of a vulgar brewer, remains, however, an unforgettable and touching figure which leaves in the shadow that of Cleopatra and Mme de Pompadour. M. Layol is an excellent comedian. He acted the father of a family in every sense of the expression. Mlle Jeannine Letrou, a young star of tomorrow, has very pretty legs. But the real revelation was Mme Perdreau whose sensitive nature we know so well. She acted the scene of the reconciliation with the most perfect naturalism. In short a great evening and prospects for a hundred night run.[10]

THE THEATRE

Young man we are going to give some subjects for plays. If they were signed by famous names we would play them, but they are masterpieces by unknowns which were given to us and which we are generously turning over to you because of your nice face.

PLAY WITH A THESIS--The prince of San Meco finds a louse on his wife's head and makes a scene. The princess has not slept with the viscount of Dendelope for the past six months. The couple make a scene before the viscount, who, not having slept with anyone but the princess and Mme Lafoulue, wife of a Secretary of State, causes the ministry to fall and overwhelms Mme Lafoulue with his scorn.

Mme Lafoulue makes a scene with her husband. Everything becomes clear, however, when Monsieur Bibier, the Deputy, arrives. He scratches his head. He is stripped. He accuses his electors of being lousy. Finally everything is in order once more. Title: _Parliamentarism._

COMEDY OF MANNERS--Isabelle Lefaucheux promises her husband that she will be faithful to him. Then she remembers that she has promised the same thing to Jules, the boy who works in their store. She suffers from not being able to grant her faith and her love.

However, Lefaucheux fires Jules. This event precipitates a dramatic triumph of love, and we soon find Isabelle cashier in a department store where Jules is salesman. Title: _Isabelle Lefaucheux._

HISTORICAL PLAY--The famous novelist Stendhal is the ringleader of a Bonapartist plot which ends in the heroic death of a young singer during a presentation of _Don Juan_ at the Scala Theatre in Milan. Since Stendhal had hidden his identity under a pseudonym, he withdraws from the affair admirably. Grand marches, procession of historical personages.

OPERA--Buridan's ass hesitates to satisfy his hunger and his thirst. The she-ass of Balaam prophesies that the ass will die. The golden ass comes, eats and drinks. The Wild-Ass's-Skin comes and displays his nudity to this asinine herd. Passing by, Sancho's ass thinks that he can prove his robustness by carrying off the child, but the traitor, Melo, warns the Genius of la Fontaine. He proclaims his jealousy and beats the golden ass. Metamorphoses. The Prince and the Infant make their entrance on horseback. The King abdicates in their favor.

PATRIOTIC PLAY--The Swedish government lays suit against the French Government for manufacturing an imitation of "Swedish matches." In the last act they exhume the remains of an alchemist of the XIVth Century who invented these matches, at La Ferté-Gaucher, a village in France, not far from Paris.

COMEDY----

_The handsome chauffeur Cried to his neighbor If you will show me your salon I wilt show you my kitchen._

Here is enough to nourish a whole career of playwriting, sir.