Chapter II: Part 2

“No, there’s nothing to stop us.” It was easy to say. It was easy to believe all of it, and just as easy not to believe any of it. But if it were all true, if the job were real, the play a success, and she could go to France with at least a single achievement behind her—Suddenly, Therese reached out for Richard’s arm, slid her hand down it to his fingers. Richard was so surprised, he stopped in the middle of a sentence.

The next afternoon, Therese called the Watkins number that Phil had given her. A very efficient sounding girl answered. Mr. Cortes was not there, but they had heard about her through Phil McElroy. The job was hers, and she would start work December twenty-eighth at fifty dollars a week. She could come in beforehand and show Mr. Cortes some of her work, if she wanted to, but it wasn’t necessary, not if Mr. McElroy had recommended her so highly.

Therese called up Phil to thank him, but nobody answered the telephone. She wrote him a note, in care of the Black Cat Theatre.

chapter three

Roberta Walls, the youngest D.S. in the toy department, paused just long enough in her midmorning flurry to whisper to Therese, “If we don’t sell this twenty-four ninety-five suitcase today, it’ll be marked down Monday and the department’ll take a two-dollar loss!” Roberta nodded at the brown pasteboard suitcase on the counter, thrust her load of gray boxes into Miss Martucci’s hands, and hurried on.

Down the long aisle, Therese watched the salesgirls make way for Roberta. Roberta flew up and down counters and from one corner of the floor to the other, from nine in the morning until six at night. Therese had heard that Roberta was trying for another promotion. She wore red harlequin glasses, and unlike the other girls, always pushed the sleeves of her green smock up above her elbows. Therese saw her flit across an aisle and stop Mrs. Hendrickson with an excited message delivered with gestures. Mrs. Hendrickson nodded agreement, Roberta touched her shoulder familiarly, and Therese felt a small start of jealousy. Jealousy, though she didn’t care in the least for Mrs. Hendrickson, even disliked her.

“Do you have a doll made of cloth that cries?”

Therese didn’t know of such a doll in stock, but the woman was positive Frankenberg’s had it, because she had seen it advertised. Therese pulled out another box, from the last spot it might possibly be, and it wasn’t.

“Wotcha lookin’ fuh?” Miss Santini asked her. Miss Santini had a cold.

“A doll made of cloth that cries,” Therese said. Miss Santini had been especially courteous to her lately. Therese remembered the stolen meat. But now Miss Santini only lifted her eyebrows, stuck out her bright red underlip with a shrug, and went on.

“Made of cloth? With pigtails?” Miss Martucci, a lean, straggly haired Italian girl with a long nose like a wolf’s looked at Therese. “Don’t let Roberta hear you,” Miss Martucci said with a glance around her. “Don’t let anybody hear you, but those dolls are in the basement.”

“Oh.” The upstairs toy department was at war with the basement toy department. The tactics were to force the customer into buying on the seventh floor, where everything was more expensive. Therese told the woman the dolls were in the basement.

“Try and sell this today,” Miss Davis said to her as she sidled past, slapping the battered imitation alligator suitcase with her red-nailed hand.

Therese nodded.

“Do you have any stiff-legged dolls? One that stands up?”

Therese looked at the middle-aged woman with the crutches that thrust her shoulders high. Her face was different from all the other faces across the counter, gentle, with a certain cognizance in the eyes as if they actually saw what they looked at.

“That’s a little bigger than I wanted,” the woman said when Therese showed her a doll. “I’m sorry. Do you have a smaller one?”

“I think so.” Therese went farther down the aisle, and was aware that the woman followed her on her crutches, circling the press of people at the counter, so as to save Therese walking back with the doll. Suddenly Therese wanted to take infinite pains, wanted to find exactly the doll the woman was looking for. But the next doll wasn’t quite right, either. The doll didn’t have real hair. Therese tried in another place and found the same doll with real hair. It even cried when it bent over. It was exactly what the woman wanted. Therese laid the doll down carefully in fresh tissue in a new box.

“That’s just perfect,” the woman repeated. “I’m sending this to a friend in Australia who’s a nurse. She graduated from nursing school with me, so I made a little uniform like ours to dress a doll in. Thank you so much. And I wish you a merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas to you!” Therese said, smiling. It was the first merry Christmas she had heard from a customer.

“Have you had your relief yet, Miss Belivet?” Mrs. Hendrickson asked her, as sharply as if she reproached her.

Therese hadn’t had it. She got her pocketbook and the novel she was reading from the shelf under the wrapping counter. The novel was Joyce’s _Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man_, which Richard was anxious for her to read. How anyone could have read Gertrude Stein without reading any Joyce, Richard said, he didn’t know. She felt a bit inferior when Richard talked with her about books. She had browsed all over the bookshelves at school, but the library assembled by the Order of St. Margaret had been far from catholic, she realized now, though it had included such unexpected writers as Gertrude Stein.

The hall to the employees’ rest rooms was blocked by big shipping carts piled high with boxes. Therese waited to get through.

“Pixie!” one of the shipping cart boys shouted to her.

Therese smiled a little because it was silly. Even down in the cloakroom in the basement, they yelled “Pixie!” at her morning and night.

“Pixie, waiting for me?” the raw-edged voice roared again, over the crash and bump of the stock carts.

She got through, and dodged a shipping cart that hurtled toward her with a clerk aboard.

“No smoking here!” shouted a man’s voice, the very growly voice of an executive, and the girls ahead of Therese who had lighted cigarettes blew their smoke in the air and said loudly in chorus just before they reached the refuge of the women’s room, “Who does he think _he_ is, Mr. Frankenberg?”

“Yoo-hoo! Pixie!”

“Ah’m juss bahdin mah tahm, Pixie!”

A shipping cart skidded in front of her, and she struck her leg against its metal corner. She went on without looking down at her leg, though pain began to blossom there, like a slow explosion. She went on into the different chaos of women’s voices, women’s figures, and the smell of disinfectant. Blood was running to her shoe, and her stocking was torn in a jagged hole. She pushed some skin back into place, and feeling sickened, leaned against the wall and held to a water pipe. She stayed there a few seconds, listening to the confusion of voices among the girls at the mirror. Then she wet toilet paper and daubed until the red was gone from her stocking, but the red kept coming.

“It’s all right, thanks,” she said to a girl who bent over her for a moment, and the girl went away.

Finally, there was nothing to do but buy a sanitary napkin from the slot machine. She used a little of the cotton from inside it, and tied it on her leg with the gauze. And then it was time to go back to the counter.

Their eyes met at the same instant, Therese glancing up from a box she was opening, and the woman just turning her head so she looked directly at Therese. She was tall and fair, her long figure graceful in the loose fur coat that she held open with a hand on her waist. Her eyes were gray, colorless, yet dominant as light or fire, and caught by them, Therese could not look away. She heard the customer in front of her repeat a question, and Therese stood there, mute. The woman was looking at Therese, too, with a preoccupied expression as if half her mind were on whatever it was she meant to buy here, and though there were a number of salesgirls between them, Therese felt sure the woman would come to her. Then Therese saw her walk slowly toward the counter, heard her heart stumble to catch up with the moment it had let pass, and felt her face grow hot as the woman came nearer and nearer.

“May I see one of those valises?” the woman asked, and leaned on the counter, looking down through the glass top.

The damaged valise lay only a yard away. Therese turned around and got a box from the bottom of a stack, a box that had never been opened. When she stood up, the woman was looking at her with the calm gray eyes that Therese could neither quite face nor look away from.

“That’s the one I like, but I don’t suppose I can have it, can I?” she said, nodding toward the brown valise in the show window behind Therese.

Her eyebrows were blond, curving around the bend of her forehead. Her mouth was as wise as her eyes, Therese thought, and her voice was like her coat, rich and supple, and somehow full of secrets.

“Yes,” Therese said.

Therese went back to the stockroom for the key. The key hung just inside the door on a nail, and no one was allowed to touch it but Mrs. Hendrickson.

Miss Davis saw her and gasped, but Therese said, “I need it,” and went out.

She opened the show window and took the suitcase down and laid it on the counter.

“You’re giving me the one on display?” She smiled as if she understood. She said casually, leaning both forearms on the counter, studying the contents of the valise, “They’ll have a fit, won’t they?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Therese said.

“All right. I’d like this. That’s C.O.D. And what about clothes? Do these come with it?”

There were cellophane wrapped clothes in the lid of the suitcase, with a price tag on them. Therese said, “No, they’re separate. If you want doll clothes—these aren’t as good as the clothes in the dolls’ clothing department across the aisle.”

“Oh! Will this get to New Jersey before Christmas?”

“Yes, it’ll arrive Monday.” If it didn’t, Therese thought, she would deliver it herself.

“Mrs. H. F. Aird,” the woman’s soft, distinct voice said, and Therese began to print it on the green C.O.D. slip.

The name, the address, the town appeared beneath the pencil point like a secret Therese would never forget, like something stamping itself in her memory forever.

“You won’t make any mistakes, will you?” the woman’s voice asked.

Therese noticed the woman’s perfume for the first time, and instead of replying, could only shake her head. She looked down at the slip to which she was laboriously adding the necessary figures, and wished with all her power to wish anything, that the woman would simply continue her last words and say, “Are you really so glad to have met me? Then why can’t we see each other again? Why can’t we even have lunch together today?” Her voice was so casual, and she might have said it so easily. But nothing came after the “will you?” nothing to relieve the shame of having been recognized as a new salesgirl, hired for the Christmas rush, inexperienced and liable to make mistakes. Therese slid the book toward her for her signature.

Then the woman picked up her gloves from the counter, and turned, and slowly went away, and Therese watched the distance widen and widen. Her ankles below the fur of the coat were pale and thin. She wore plain black suede shoes with high heels.

“That’s a C.O.D. order?”

Therese looked into Mrs. Hendrickson’s ugly, meaningless face. “Yes, Mrs. Hendrickson.”

“Don’t you know you’re supposed to give the customer the strip at the top? How do you expect them to claim the purchase when it comes? Where’s the customer? Can you catch her?”

“Yes.” She was only ten feet away, across the aisle at the dolls’ clothing counter. And with the green slip in her hand, she hesitated a moment, then carried it around the counter, forcing herself to advance, because she was suddenly abashed by her appearance, the old blue skirt, the cotton blouse—whoever assigned the green smocks had missed her—and the humiliating flat shoes. And the horrible bandage through which the blood was probably showing again.

“I’m supposed to give you this,” she said, laying the miserable little scrap beside the hand on the edge of the counter, and turning away.

Behind the counter again, Therese faced the stock boxes, sliding them thoughtfully out and back, as if she were looking for something. Therese waited until the woman must have finished at the counter and gone away. She was conscious of the moments passing like irrevocable time, irrevocable happiness, for in these last seconds, she might turn and see the face she would never see again. She was conscious, too, dimly now and with a different horror, of the old, unceasing voices of customers at the counter calling for assistance, calling to her, and of the low, humming rrrrr of the little train, part of the storm that was closing in and separating her from the woman.

But when she turned finally, she looked directly into the gray eyes again. The woman was walking toward her, and as if time had turned back, she leaned on the counter again and gestured to a doll and asked to see it.

Therese got the doll and dropped it with a clatter on the glass counter, and the woman glanced at her.

“Sounds unbreakable,” the woman said.

Therese smiled.

“Yes, I’ll get this, too,” she said in the quiet slow voice that made a pool of silence in the tumult around them. She gave her name and address again, and Therese took it slowly from her lips, as if she did not already know it by heart. “That really will arrive before Christmas?”

“It’ll come Monday at the latest. That’s two days before Christmas.”

“Good. I don’t mean to make you nervous.”

Therese tightened the knot in the string she had put around the doll box, and the knot mysteriously came open. “No,” she said. In an embarrassment so profound there was nothing left to defend, she got the knot tied under the woman’s eyes.

“It’s a rotten job, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Therese folded the C.O.D. slips around the white string, and fastened them with a pin.

“So forgive me for complaining.”

Therese glanced at her, and the sensation returned that she knew her from somewhere, that the woman was about to reveal herself, and they would both laugh then, and understand. “You’re not complaining. But I know it’ll get there.” Therese looked across the aisle, where the woman had stood before, and saw the tiny slip of green paper still on the counter. “You really are supposed to keep that C.O.D. slip.”

Her eyes changed with her smile now, brightened with a gray, colorless fire that Therese almost knew, almost could place. “I’ve gotten things before without them. I always lose them.” She bent to sign the second C.O.D. slip.

Therese watched her go away with a step as slow as when she had come, saw her look at another counter as she passed it, and slap her black gloves across her palm twice, three times. Then she disappeared into an elevator.

And Therese turned to the next customer. She worked with an indefatigable patience, but her figures on the sales slips bore faint tails where the pencil jerked convulsively. She went to Mr. Logan’s office, which seemed to take hours, but when she looked at the clock, only fifteen minutes had passed, and now it was time to wash up for lunch. She stood stiffly in front of the rotating towel, drying her hands, feeling unattached to anything or anyone, isolated. Mr. Logan had asked her if she wanted to stay on after Christmas. She could have a job downstairs in the cosmetic department. Therese had said no.

In the middle of the afternoon, she went down to the first floor and bought a card in the greeting-card department. It was not a very interesting card, but at least it was simple, in plain blue and gold. She stood with the pen poised over the card, thinking of what she might have written—“You are magnificent” or even “I love you”—finally writing quickly the excruciatingly dull and impersonal: “Special salutations from Frankenberg’s.” She added her number 645-A in lieu of a signature. Then she went down to the post office in the basement, hesitated at the letter drop, losing her nerve suddenly at the sight of her hand holding the letter half in the slot. What would happen? She was going to leave the store in a few days, anyway. What would Mrs. H. F. Aird care? The blond eyebrows would perhaps lift a little, she would look at the card a moment, then forget it. Therese dropped it.

On the way home, an idea came to her for a stage set, a house interior with more depth than breadth, with a kind of vortex down the center, from which rooms would go off on either side. She wanted to begin the cardboard model that night, but at last she only elaborated on her pencil sketch of it. She wanted to see someone—not Richard, not Jack or Alice Kelly downstairs, maybe Stella, Stella Overton, the stage designer she had met during her first weeks in New York. Therese had not seen her, she realized, since she had come to the cocktail party Therese had given before she left her other apartment. Stella was one of the people who didn’t know where she lived now. Therese was on her way down to the telephone in the hall, when she heard the short quick rings of her doorbell that meant there was a call for her.

“Thank you,” Therese called down to Mrs. Osborne.

It was Richard’s usual call around nine o’clock. Richard wanted to know if she felt like seeing a movie tomorrow night. It was the movie at the Sutton they still hadn’t seen. Therese said she wasn’t doing anything, but she wanted to finish a pillow cover. Alice Kelly had said she could come down and use her sewing machine tomorrow night. And besides, she had to wash her hair.

“Wash it tonight and see me tomorrow night,” Richard said.

“It’s too late. I can’t sleep if my head’s wet.”

“I’ll wash it tomorrow night. We won’t use the tub, just a couple of buckets.”

She smiled. “I think we’d better not.” She had fallen into the tub the time Richard had washed her hair. Richard had been imitating the tub drain with writhings and gluggings, and she had laughed so hard, her feet slipped on the floor.

“Well, what about that art show Saturday? It’s open Saturday afternoon.”

“But Saturday’s the day I have to work to nine. I can’t get away till nine thirty.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll stay around school and meet you on the corner about nine thirty. Forty-fourth and Fifth. All right?”

“All right.”

“Anything new today?”

“No. With you?”

“No. I’m going to see about boat reservations tomorrow. I’ll call you tomorrow night.”

Therese did not telephone Stella at all.

The next day was Friday, the last Friday before Christmas, and the busiest day Therese had known since she had been working at Frankenberg’s, though everyone said tomorrow would be worse. People were pressed alarmingly hard against the glass counters. Customers she started to wait on got swept away and lost in the gluey current that filled the aisle. It was impossible to imagine any more people crowding onto the floor, but the elevators kept emptying people out.

“I don’t see why they don’t close the doors downstairs!” Therese remarked to Miss Martucci, when they were both stooping by a stock shelf.

“What?” Miss Martucci answered, unable to hear.

“Miss Belivet!” somebody yelled, and a whistle blew.

It was Mrs. Hendrickson. She had been using a whistle to get attention today. Therese made her way toward her past salesgirls and through empty boxes on the floor.

“You’re wanted on the telephone,” Mrs. Hendrickson told her, pointing to the telephone by the wrapping table.

Therese made a helpless gesture that Mrs. Hendrickson had no time to see. It was impossible to hear anything on a telephone now. And she knew it was probably Richard being funny. He had called her once before.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hello, is this coworker six forty-five A, Therese Belivet?” the operator’s voice said over clickings and buzzings. “Go ahead.”

“Hello?” she repeated, and barely heard an answer. She dragged the telephone off the table and into the stockroom a few feet away. The wire did not quite reach, and she had to stoop on the floor. “Hello?”

“Hello,” the voice said. “Well—I wanted to thank you for the Christmas card.”

“Oh. Oh, you’re—”

“This is Mrs. Aird,” she said. “Are you the one who sent it? Or not.”

“Yes,” Therese said, rigid with guilt suddenly, as if she had been caught in a crime. She closed her eyes and wrung the telephone, seeing the intelligent, smiling eyes again as she had seen them yesterday. “I’m very sorry if it annoyed you,” Therese said mechanically, in the voice with which she spoke to customers.

The woman laughed. “This is very funny,” she said casually, and Therese caught the same easy slur in her voice that she had heard yesterday, loved yesterday, and she smiled herself.

“Is it? Why?”

“You must be the girl in the toy department.”

“Yes.”

“It was extremely nice of you to send me the card,” the woman said politely.

Then Therese understood. She had thought it was from a man, some other clerk who had waited on her. “It was very nice waiting on you,” Therese said.

“Was it? Why?” She might have been mocking Therese. “Well—since it’s Christmas, why don’t we meet for a cup of coffee, at least? Or a drink.”

Therese flinched as the door burst open and a girl came into the room, stood right in front of her. “Yes—I’d like that.”

“When?” the woman asked. “I’m coming in to New York tomorrow in the morning. Why don’t we make it for lunch? Do you have any time tomorrow?”

“Of course. I have an hour, from twelve to one,” Therese said, staring at the girl’s feet in front of her in splayed flat moccasins, the back of her heavy ankles and calves in lisle stockings, shifting like an elephant’s legs.

“Shall I meet you downstairs at the Thirty-fourth Street entrance at about twelve?”

“All right. I—” Therese remembered now she went to work at one sharp tomorrow. She had the morning off. She put her arm up to ward off the avalanche of boxes the girl in front of her had pulled down from the shelf. The girl herself teetered back onto her. “Hello?” she shouted over the noise of tumbling boxes.

“I’m sow—ry,” Mrs. Zabriskie said irritatedly, plowing out the door again.

“Hello?” Therese repeated.

The line was dead.

chapter four

“Hello,” the woman said, smiling.

“Hello.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.” At least, the woman had recognized her, Therese thought.

“Do you have any preference as to restaurants?” the woman asked on the sidewalk.

“No. It’d be nice to find a quiet one, but there aren’t any in this neighborhood.”

“You haven’t time for the East Side? No, you haven’t, if you’ve only got an hour. I think I know a place a couple of blocks west on this street. Do you think you have time?”

“Yes, certainly.” It was twelve fifteen already. Therese knew she would be terribly late, and it didn’t matter at all.

They did not bother to talk on the way. Now and then the crowds made them separate, and once the woman glanced at Therese, across a pushcart full of dresses, smiling. They went into a restaurant with wooden rafters and white tablecloths, that miraculously was quiet, and not half filled. They sat down in a large wooden booth, and the woman ordered an old-fashioned without sugar, and invited Therese to have one, or a sherry, and when Therese hesitated, sent the waiter away with the order.

She took off her hat and ran her fingers through her blond hair, once on either side, and looked at Therese. “And where did you get the nice idea of sending me a Christmas card?”

“I remembered you,” Therese said. She looked at the small pearl earrings, that were somehow no lighter than her hair itself, or her eyes. Therese thought her beautiful, though her face was a blur now because she could not bear to look at it directly. She got something out of her handbag, a lipstick and compact, and Therese looked at her lipstick case—golden like a jewel, and shaped like a sea chest. She wanted to look at the woman’s mouth, but the gray eyes so close drove her away, flickering over her like fire.

“You haven’t been working there very long, have you?”

“No. Only about two weeks.”

“And you won’t be much longer—probably.” She offered Therese a cigarette.

Therese took one. “No. I’ll have another job.” She leaned toward the lighter the woman was holding for her, toward the slim hand with the oval red nails and a sprinkling of freckles on its back.

“And do you often get inspired to send post cards?”

“Post cards?”

“Christmas cards?” She smiled at herself.

“Of course not,” Therese said.

“Well, here’s to Christmas.” She touched Therese’s glass and drank. “Where do you live? In Manhattan?”

Therese told her. On Sixty-third Street. Her parents were dead, she said. She had lived in New York the past two years, and before that at a school in New Jersey. Therese did not tell her that the school was semireligious, Episcopalian. She did not mention Sister Alicia whom she adored and thought of so often, with her pale-blue eyes and her ugly nose and her loving sternness. Because since yesterday morning, Sister Alicia had been thrust far away, far below the woman who sat opposite her.

“And what do you do in your spare time?” The lamp on the table made her eyes silvery, full of liquid light. Even the pearl at her earlobe looked alive, like a drop of water that a touch might destroy.

“I—” Should she tell her she usually worked on her stage models? Sketched and painted sometimes, carved things like cats’ heads and tiny figures to go in her ballet sets, but that she liked best to take long walks practically anywhere, liked best simply to dream? Therese felt she did not have to tell her. She felt the woman’s eyes could not look at anything without understanding completely. Therese took some more of her drink, liking it, though it was like the woman to swallow, she thought, terrifying, and strong.

The woman nodded to the waiter, and two more drinks arrived.

“I like this.”

“What?” Therese asked.

“I like it that someone sent me a card, someone I didn’t know. It’s the way things should be at Christmas. And this year I like it especially.”

“I’m glad.” Therese smiled, wondering if she were serious.

“You’re a very pretty girl,” she said. “And very sensitive, too, aren’t you?”

She might have been speaking of a doll, Therese thought, so casually had she told her she was pretty. “I think you are magnificent,” Therese said with the courage of the second drink, not caring how it might sound, because she knew the woman knew anyway.

She laughed, putting her head back. It was a sound more beautiful than music. It made a little wrinkle at the corner of her eyes, and it made her purse her red lips as she drew on her cigarette. She gazed past Therese for a moment, her elbows on the table and her chin propped up on the hand that held her cigarette. There was a long line from the waist of her fitted black suit up to the widening shoulder, and then the blond head with the fine, unruly hair held high. She was about thirty or thirty-two, Therese thought, and her daughter, for whom she had bought the valise and the doll, would be perhaps six or eight. Therese could imagine the child, blond haired, the face golden and happy, the body slim and well proportioned, and always playing. But the child’s face, unlike the woman’s with its short cheeks and rather Nordic compactness, was vague and nondescript. And the husband? Therese could not see him at all.

Therese said, “I’m sure you thought it was a man who sent you the Christmas card, didn’t you?”

“I did,” she said through a smile. “I thought it just might be a man in the ski department who’d sent it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m delighted.” She leaned back in the booth. “I doubt very much if I’d have gone to lunch with him. No, I’m delighted.”

The dusky and faintly sweet smell of her perfume came to Therese again, a smell suggestive of dark-green silk, that was hers alone, like the smell of a special flower. Therese leaned closer toward it, looking down at her glass. She wanted to thrust the table aside and spring into her arms, to bury her nose in the green and gold scarf that was tied close about her neck. Once the backs of their hands brushed on the table, and Therese’s skin there felt separately alive now, and rather burning. Therese could not understand it, but it was so. Therese glanced at her face that was somewhat turned away, and again she knew that instant of half-recognition. And knew, too, that it was not to be believed. She had never seen the woman before. If she had, could she have forgotten? In the silence, Therese felt they both waited for the other to speak, yet the silence was not an awkward one. Their plates had arrived. It was creamed spinach with an egg on top, steamy and buttery smelling.

“How is it you live alone?” the woman asked, and before Therese knew it, she had told the woman her life story.

But not in tedious detail. In six sentences, as if it all mattered less to her than a story she had read somewhere. And what did the facts matter after all, whether her mother was French or English or Hungarian, or if her father had been an Irish painter, or a Czechoslovakian lawyer, whether he had been successful or not, or whether her mother had presented her to the Order of St. Margaret as a troublesome, bawling infant, or as a troublesome, melancholy eight-year-old? Or whether she had been happy there? Because she was happy now, starting today. She had no need of parents or background.

“What could be duller than past history!” Therese said, smiling.

“Maybe futures that won’t have any history.”

Therese did not ponder it. It was right. She was still smiling, as if she had just learned how to smile and did not know how to stop. The woman smiled with her, amusedly, and perhaps she was laughing at her, Therese thought.

“What kind of a name is Belivet?” she asked.

“It’s Czech. It’s changed,” Therese explained awkwardly. “Originally—”

“It’s very original.”

“What’s your name?” Therese asked. “Your first name?”

“My name? Carol. Please don’t ever call me Carole.”

“Please don’t ever call me Thereese,” Therese said, pronouncing the “th.”

“How do you like it pronounced? Therese?”

“Yes. The way you do,” she answered. Carol pronounced her name the French way, Terez. She was used to a dozen variations, and sometimes she herself pronounced it differently. She liked the way Carol pronounced it, and she liked her lips saying it. An indefinite longing, that she had been only vaguely conscious of at times before, became now a recognizable wish. It was so absurd, so embarrassing a desire, that Therese thrust it from her mind.

“What do you do on Sundays?” Carol asked.

“I don’t always know. Nothing in particular. What do you do?”

“Nothing—lately. If you’d like to visit me sometime, you’re welcome to. At least there’s some country around where I live. Would you like to come out this Sunday?” The gray eyes regarded her directly now, and for the first time, Therese faced them. There was a measure of humor in them, Therese saw. And what else? Curiosity and a challenge, too.

“Yes,” Therese said.

“What a strange girl you are.”

“Why?”

“Flung out of space,” Carol said.

chapter five

Richard was standing on the street corner, waiting for her, shifting from foot to foot in the cold. She wasn’t cold at all tonight, she realized suddenly, even though other people on the streets were hunched in their overcoats. She took Richard’s arm and squeezed it affectionately tight.

“Have you been inside?” she asked. She was ten minutes late.

“Of course not. I was waiting.” He pressed his cold lips and nose into her cheek. “Did you have a rough day?”

“No.”

The night was very black, in spite of the Christmas lights on some of the lampposts. She looked at Richard’s face in the flare of his match. The smooth slab of his forehead overhung his narrowed eyes, strong looking as a whale’s front, she thought, strong enough to batter something in. His face was like a face sculpted in wood, planed smooth and unadorned. She saw his eyes open like unexpected spots of blue sky in the darkness.

He smiled at her. “You’re in a good mood tonight. Want to walk down the block? You can’t smoke in there. Like a cigarette?”

“No, thanks.”

They began to walk. The gallery was just beside them, a row of lighted windows, each with a Christmas wreath, on the second floor of the big building. Tomorrow she would see Carol, Therese thought, tomorrow morning at eleven. She would see her only ten blocks from here, in a little more than twelve hours. She started to take Richard’s arm again, and suddenly felt self-conscious about it. Eastward, down Forty-third Street, she saw Orion exactly spread in the center of the sky between the buildings. She had used to look at him from windows in school, from the window of her first New York apartment.

“I got our reservations today,” Richard said. “The _President Taylor_ sailing March seventh. I talked with the ticket fellow, and I think he can get us outside rooms, if I keep after him.”

“March seventh?” She heard the start of excitement in her voice, though she did not want to go to Europe now at all.

“About ten weeks off,” Richard said, taking her hand.

“Can you cancel the reservation in case I can’t go?” She could as well tell him now that she didn’t want to go, she thought, but he would only argue, as he had before when she hesitated.

“Oh, of course, Terry!” And he laughed.

Richard swung her hand as they walked. As if they were lovers, Therese thought. It would be almost like love, what she felt for Carol, except that Carol was a woman. It was not quite insanity, but it was certainly blissful. A silly word, but how could she possibly be happier than she was now, and had been since Thursday?

“I wish we could share one together,” Richard said.

“Share what?”

“Share a room!” Richard boomed out, laughing, and Therese noticed the two people on the sidewalk who turned to look at them. “Should we have a drink somewhere just to celebrate? We can go in the Mansfield around the corner.”

“I don’t feel like sitting still. Let’s have it later.”

They got into the show at half price on Richard’s art school passes. The gallery was a series of high-ceilinged, plush carpeted rooms, a background of financial opulence for the commercial advertisements, the drawings, lithographs, illustrations, or whatever that hung in a crowded row on the walls. Richard pored over some of them for minutes at a time, but Therese found them a little depressing.

“Did you see this?” Richard asked, pointing to a complicated drawing of a lineman repairing a telephone wire that Therese had seen somewhere before, that tonight actually pained her to look at.

“Yes,” she said. She was thinking of something else. If she stopped scrimping to save money for Europe—which had been silly anyway because she wasn’t going—she could buy a new coat. There would be sales right after Christmas. The coat she had now was a kind of black polo coat, and she always felt drab in it.

Richard took her arm. “You haven’t enough respect for technique, little girl.”

She gave him a mocking frown, and took his arm again. She felt very close to him suddenly, as warm and happy with him as she had been the first night she met him, at the party down on Christopher Street where Frances Cotter had taken her. Richard had been a little drunk, as he had never been since with her, talking about books and politics and people more positively than she had ever heard him talk since, too. He had talked with her all evening, and she had liked him so very much that night for his enthusiasms, his ambitions, his likes and dislikes, and because it was her first real party and he had made it a success for her.

“You’re not looking,” Richard said.

“It’s exhausting. I’ve had enough when you have.”

Near the door, they met some people Richard knew from the League, a young man, a girl, and a young colored man. Richard introduced Therese to them. She could tell they were not close friends of Richard’s, but he announced to all of them, “We’re going to Europe in March.”

And they all looked envious.

Outside, Fifth Avenue seemed empty and waiting, like a stage set for some dramatic action. Therese walked along quickly beside Richard, her hands in her pockets. Somewhere today she had lost her gloves. She was thinking of tomorrow, at eleven o’clock. She wondered if she would possibly still be with Carol this time tomorrow night.

“What about tomorrow?” Richard asked.

“Tomorrow?”

“You know. The family asked if you could come out this Sunday and have dinner with us.”

Therese hesitated, remembering. She had visited the Semcos four or five Sunday afternoons. They had a big dinner around two o’clock, and then Mr. Semco, a short man with a bald head, would want to dance with her to polkas and Russian folk music on the phonograph.

“Say, you know Mamma wants to make you a dress?” Richard went on. “She’s already got the material. She wants to measure you for it.”

“A dress—but that’s so much work.” Therese had a vision of Mrs. Semco’s embroidered blouses, white blouses with rows upon rows of stitches. Mrs. Semco was proud of her needlework. Therese did not feel she should accept such a colossal labor.

“She loves it,” Richard said. “Well, what about tomorrow? Want to come out around noon?”

“I don’t think I want to this Sunday. They haven’t made any great plans, have they?”

“No,” Richard said, disappointed. “You just want to work or something tomorrow?”

“Yes. I’d rather.” She didn’t want Richard to know about Carol, or even ever meet her.

“Not even take a drive somewhere?”

“I don’t think so, thanks.” Therese didn’t like his holding her hand now. His hand was moist, which made it icy cold.

“You don’t think you’ll change your mind?”

Therese shook her head. “No.” There were some mitigating things she might have said, excuses, but she did not want to lie about tomorrow either, any more than she had already lied. She heard Richard sigh, and they walked along in silence for a while.

“Mamma wants to make you a white dress with lace edging. She’s going crazy with frustration with no girls in the family but Esther.”

That was his cousin by marriage, whom Therese had only seen once or twice. “How is Esther?”

“Just the same.”

Therese extricated her fingers from Richard’s. She was hungry suddenly. She had spent her dinner hour writing something, a kind of letter to Carol that she hadn’t mailed and didn’t intend to. They caught the uptown bus at Third Avenue, then walked east to Therese’s house. Therese did not want to invite Richard upstairs, but she did anyway.

“No, thanks, I’ll shove on,” Richard said. He put a foot on the first step. “You’re in a funny mood tonight. You’re miles away.”

“No, I’m not,” she said, feeling inarticulate and resenting it.

“You are now. I can tell. After all, don’t you—”

“What,” she prompted.

“We aren’t getting very far, are we?” he said, suddenly earnest. “If you don’t even want to spend Sundays with me, how’re we going to spend months together in Europe?”

“Well—if you want to call it all off, Richard.”

“Terry, I love you.” He brushed his palm over his hair, exasperatedly. “Of course, I don’t want to call it all off, but—” He broke off again.

She knew what he was about to say, that she gave him practically nothing in the way of affection, but he wouldn’t say it, because he knew very well that she wasn’t in love with him, so why did he really expect her affection? Yet the simple fact that she wasn’t in love with him made Therese feel guilty, guilty about accepting anything from him, a birthday present, or an invitation to dinner at his family’s, or even his time. Therese pressed her finger tips hard on the stone banister. “All right—I know. I’m not in love with you,” she said.

“That’s not what I mean, Terry.”

“If you ever want to call the whole thing off—I mean, stop seeing me at all, then do it.” It was not the first time she had said that, either.

“Terry, you know I’d rather be with you than anyone else in the world. That’s the hell of it.”

“Well, if it’s hell—”

“Do you love me at all, Terry? How do you love me?”

Let me count the ways, she thought. “I don’t love you, but I like you. I felt tonight, a few minutes ago,” she said, hammering the words out however they sounded, because they were true, “that I felt closer to you than I ever have, in fact.”

Richard looked at her, a little incredulously. “Do you?” He started slowly up the steps, smiling, and stopped just below her. “Then—why not let me stay with you tonight, Terry? Just let’s try, will you?”

She had known from his first step toward her that he was going to ask her that. Now she felt miserable and ashamed, sorry for herself and for him, because it was so impossible, and so embarrassing because she didn’t want it. There was always that tremendous block of not even wanting to try it, which reduced it all to a kind of wretched embarrassment and nothing more, each time he asked her. She remembered the first night she had let him stay, and she writhed again inwardly. It had been anything but pleasant, and she had asked right in the middle of it, “Is this right?” How could it be right and so unpleasant, she had thought. And Richard had laughed, long and loud and with a heartiness that had made her angry. And the second time had been even worse, probably because Richard had thought all the difficulties had been gotten over. It was painful enough to make her weep, and Richard had been very apologetic and had said she made him feel like a brute. And then she had protested that he wasn’t. She knew very well that he wasn’t, that he was angelic compared to what Angelo Rossi would have been, for instance, if she had slept with him the night he stood here on the same steps, asking the same question.

“Terry, darling—”

“No,” Therese said, finding her voice at last. “I just can’t tonight, and I can’t go to Europe with you either,” she finished with an abject and hopeless frankness.

Richard’s lips parted in a stunned way. Therese could not bear to look at the frown above them. “Why not?”

“Because. Because I can’t,” she said, every word agony. “Because I don’t want to sleep with you.”

“Oh, Terry!” Richard laughed. “I’m sorry I asked you. Forget about it, honey, will you? And in Europe, too?”

Therese looked away, noticed Orion again, tipped at a slightly different angle, and looked back at Richard. But I can’t, she thought. I’ve got to think about it sometime, because you think about it. It seemed to her that she spoke the words and that they were solid as blocks of wood in the air between them, even though she heard nothing. She had said the words before to him, in her room upstairs, once in Prospect Park when she was winding a kite string. But he wouldn’t consider them, and what could she do now, repeat them? “Do you want to come up for a while anyway?” she asked, tortured by herself, by a shame she could not really account for.

“No,” Richard said with a soft laugh that shamed her all the more for its tolerance and its understanding. “No, I’ll go on. Good night, honey. I love you, Terry.” And with a last look at her, he went.

chapter six

Therese stepped out into the street and looked, but the streets were empty with a Sunday morning emptiness. The wind flung itself around the tall cement corner of Frankenberg’s as if it were furious at finding no human figure there to oppose. No one but her, Therese thought, and grinned suddenly at herself. She might have thought of a more pleasant place to meet than this. The wind was like ice against her teeth. Carol was a quarter of an hour late. If she didn’t come, she would probably keep on waiting, all day and into the night. One figure came out of the subway’s pit, a splintery thin hurrying figure of a woman in a long black coat under which her feet moved as fast as if four feet were rotating on a wheel.

Then Therese turned around and saw Carol in a car drawn up by the curb across the street. Therese walked toward her.

“Hi!” Carol called, and leaned over to open the door for her.

“Hello. I thought you weren’t coming.”

“Awfully sorry I’m late. Are you freezing?”

“No.” Therese got in and pulled the door shut. The car was warm inside, a long dark-green car with dark-green leather upholstery. Carol drove slowly west.

“Shall we go out to the house? Where would you like to go?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Therese said. She could see freckles along the bridge of Carol’s nose. Her short fair hair that made Therese think of perfume held to a light was tied back with the green and gold scarf that circled her head like a band.

“Let’s go out to the house. It’s pretty out there.”

They drove uptown. It was like riding inside a rolling mountain that could sweep anything before it, yet was absolutely obedient to Carol.

“Do you like driving?” Carol asked without looking at her. She had a cigarette in her mouth. She drove with her hands resting lightly on the wheel, as if it were nothing to her, as if she sat relaxed in a chair somewhere, smoking. “Why’re you so quiet?”

They roared into the Lincoln Tunnel. A wild, inexplicable excitement mounted in Therese as she stared through the windshield. She wished the tunnel might cave in and kill them both, that their bodies might be dragged out together. She felt Carol glancing at her from time to time.

“Have you had breakfast?”

“No, I haven’t,” Therese answered. She supposed she was pale. She had started to have breakfast, but she had dropped the milk bottle in the sink, and then given it all up.

“Better have some coffee. It’s there in the thermos.”

They were out of the tunnel. Carol stopped by the side of the road.

“There,” Carol said, nodding at the thermos between them on the seat. Then Carol took the thermos herself and poured some into the cup, steaming and light brown.

Therese looked at the coffee gratefully. “Where’d it come from?”

Carol smiled. “Do you always want to know where things come from?”

The coffee was very strong and a little sweet. It sent strength through her. When the cup was half empty, Carol started the car. Therese was silent. What was there to talk about? The gold four-leaf clover with Carol’s name and address on it that dangled from the key chain on the dashboard? The stand of Christmas trees they passed on the road? The bird that flew by itself across a swampy looking field? No. Only the things she had written to Carol in the unmailed letter were to be talked about, and that was impossible.

“Do you like the country?” Carol asked as they turned into a smaller road.

They had just driven into a little town and out of it. Now on the driveway that made a great semicircular curve, they approached a white two-story house that had projecting side wings like the paws of a resting lion.

There was a metal door mat, a big shining brass mailbox, a dog barking hollowly from around the side of the house, where a white garage showed beyond some trees. The house smelled of some spice, Therese thought, mingled with a separate sweetness that was not Carol’s perfume either. Behind her, the door closed with a light, firm double report. Therese turned and found Carol looking at her puzzledly, her lips parted a little as if in surprise, and Therese felt that in the next second Carol would ask, “What are you doing here?” as if she had forgotten, or had not meant to bring her here at all.

“There’s no one here but the maid. And she’s far away,” Carol said, as if in reply to some question of Therese’s.

“It’s a lovely house,” Therese said, and saw Carol’s little smile that was tinged with impatience.

“Take off your coat.” Carol took the scarf from around her head and ran her fingers through her hair. “Wouldn’t you like a little breakfast? It’s almost noon.”

“No, thanks.”

Carol looked around the living room, and the same puzzled dissatisfaction came back to her face. “Let’s go upstairs. It’s more comfortable.”

Therese followed Carol up the white wooden staircase, past an oil painting of a small girl with yellow hair and a square chin like Carol’s, past a window where a garden with an S-shaped path, a fountain with a blue-green statue appeared for an instant and vanished. Upstairs, there was a short hall with four or five rooms around it. Carol went into a room with green carpet and walls, and took a cigarette from a box on a table. She glanced at Therese as she lighted it. Therese didn’t know what to do or say, and she felt Carol expected her to do or say something, anything. Therese studied the simple room with its dark-green carpet and the long green pillowed bench along one wall. There was a plain table of pale wood in the center. A game room, Therese thought, though it looked more like a study with its books and music albums and its lack of pictures.

“My favorite room,” Carol said, walking out of it. “But that’s my room over there.”

Therese looked into the room opposite. It had flowered cotton upholstery and plain blond woodwork like the table in the other room. There was a long plain mirror over the dressing table, and throughout a look of sunlight, though no sunlight was in the room. The bed was a double bed. And there were military brushes on the dark bureau across the room. Therese glanced in vain for a picture of him. There was a picture of Carol on the dressing table, holding up a small girl with blond hair. And a picture of a woman with dark curly hair, smiling broadly, in a silver frame.

“You have a little girl, haven’t you?” Therese asked.

Carol opened a wall panel in the hall. “Yes,” she said. “Would you like a coke?”