Chapter II: Part 2

RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples:

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Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved?

Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be when the book gets back?

Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor. Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth?

Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which train did James take and when does Ann expect him back?

Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the clerks swearing at after Ann went out?

Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter. Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head. Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube?

Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the grocer?

Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill?

Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour. Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers. Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she received a seat?

Some people's talk is too cheap at any price.

Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time.

Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it.

Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love.

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### S: The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant, because it makes a hissing sound like a goose. ###

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SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to start a church.

SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man.

SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women.

SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss.

SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day, according to the mood the landlord is in.

SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned.

SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting till you get it.

STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for personal reasons.

SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments.

SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers. Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough.

SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are parted.

SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a corner-stone.

SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are chosen. For instance:

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Riding down town on the "L."
He jumped to his feet
Gave a lady his seat--
I'm a liar, but don't it sound well.

--Oliver Goldsmith, page 34.

SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars.

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Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"--see page 946--as follows:

The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers.

The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers run edgeways, and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars coming.

The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has ever been invented.

The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the passengers out with a can-opener.

Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards and inquire feebly for a sanitarium.

To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had.

The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung.

To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to get out again is an assassination.

One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once touching the floor with my feet.

Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a windy day.

Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all winter to act the part of a refrigerator.

It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars.

In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs.

That is because this country is young and impulsive.

The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often follow a stranger all the way home.

Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, I did not reach down and kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the dumb brutes of the field.

Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of condensed milk.

The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a lemon squeezer.

When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your knee to lean over.

Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation.

A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four to carry.

The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by one of these sardine-cars.

The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars, but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the rebellious standing on the corner.

We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called after a cocktail.

This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us into insensibility.

Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an alarm clock.

For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages, but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of strangers he never met before.

One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a two-year-old, full of health and happiness.

During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up in front of me and removed the scenery.

One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to show how sorry he was to leave me.

One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my lap.

When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him.

Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap.

During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares I ever rode behind.

The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he started to play the overture from _William Tell_ until I yelled "W'at'ell!"

That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from standing on my feet.

Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home.

If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a sardine-car is alive he should have a monument.

My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare.

Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime.

The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke he finds he has burned most of them.

The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills.

The mud slinger never has clean hands.

The way of the transgressor is hard on his family.

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### T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author of the alphabet always drank coffee. ###

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TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See _gambling_. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't see you first.

TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke.

TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment.

TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may hand it back to you with a short-arm jab.

TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip.

THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow.

TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.

THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the purpose of driving humanity to drink.

TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it.

TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full.

TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never figures in politics because it forgets to register.

Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed.

Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives talking about home industry.

Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.

Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his pocketbook runs dry.

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### U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some scandal because it is always tagging after Q. ###

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UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game.

UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to.

UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she spent forty cents for baby's new shoes.

UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.

Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.

Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.

Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.

Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.

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### V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for a five-dollar bill. ###

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VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.

VACANT. The top story of a snob.

VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.

VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose smile at the same time.

VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's feet at the head of the bed. See _Jag_ and _Soused_.

VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a small amount.

VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, noise.

When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.

Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man look like 30 cents.

When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always turns him down.

When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.

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### W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very well in the matter of a name. ###

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WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful weapon in the hands of a steady spender.

WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.

WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace that kills.

WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow, with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the truth, but I don't need the money."

WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son.

WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.

Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night school.

Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good fashion.

Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance.

Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over again.

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### X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in that very few words are fastened to it. ###

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X. That ten dollars you loaned some time ago.

XTRACTOR. The fellow you loaned it to.

XCITEMENT. What happened when you tried to get it back.

X-RAYS. A machine you'll have to use to find your X.

You shouldn't look a gift automobile in the price tag.

Yea, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend.

Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never get rich.

You may take my word for it, that whatever a man hopes to be he will be, unless he gets on the wrong car.

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### Y: The twenty-fifth letter of the alphabet, which is of a bibulous nature because it's always in rye. (Mercy!) ###

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YAP. The real thing on the farm, but an awful thing on Broadway.

YACHT. A device which eats up money and yells for more.

YOKE. The way a Swede says joke.

YESTERDAY. The day upon which our ship should have arrived.

Zum men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl.

Zum men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience.

Zumhow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties concerned.

Zum say that money isn't everything in this world, but it takes a man with money to believe it.

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### Z: The twenty-sixth and last letter of the alphabet, and I'm glad of it. ###

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ZEAL. The ardor with which we manage other people's affairs.

ZEBRA. An animal used principally to illustrate the letter Z.

ZERO. The place where the cold waves come from.

ZIP. The same as _Zow_.

ZOW. The same as _Zip_.

ZOO. A garden scented by wild animals.

ZABO. A contraction of Gonzabo, which means a Fiff.

APPENDIX.

(This part of the book may be cut out.)

AUTOMOBILES.

A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By All Automobile Societies.

The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser.

It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void.

Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the _Chauffeur_, because he knows which way to jump out.

_Chauffeur_ is the name of the man who points the machine at you and dares you to get out of the way.

We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a horseless wagon when it goes real fast.

That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the French.

_Chauffeur_ was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should give it back at the first opportunity.

The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's Delight," because it lived up to its name.

Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be composed which would help the general public to die easier when automobo-annihilated.

Here are the rules:

1.--One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's bills.

2.--Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely, and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely.

3.--Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest, doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, tried, convicted and sent to Siberia.

4.--Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees, statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over.

5.--Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the meaning of vicinage.

6.--Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage and compel them to drink gasoline.

7.--One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction.

8.--Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells, and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban part of the head of the offending coal cart director.

9.--If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of pleasure and a joy forever.

LITTLE BLASTS OF HOT AIR.

Life is a tragedy, and that's the best reason why it should be well acted.

What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people along.

A fault-finder is a home-made knocker.

Every woman jumps quickly from mice and at conclusions.

"Don't be a clam," must be wisdom on the half shell.

The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker.

Hot air is mighty, and will prevail in politics.

A fool and his money is the root of much laughter.

INSOMNIA.

How to Effect a Permanent and Lasting Cure.

1.--Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner. By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight, and you will be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed.

2.--Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special attention to a lobster salad, welsh rarebit and hard-boiled eggs. This will, no doubt, give you delirium tremens, night-mare, St. Vitus' dance and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept the rest of the household awake as well as yourself.

3.--Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset the centre table and stepped on six assorted tacks, you will realize what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become so acute that you will want to sit up and read the Family Story Paper during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing.

4.--Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia.

5.--Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavor to breathe pronouncedly and with exaggeration, like a freight engine climbing a grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighborhood, but you will be enabled to while the remaining hours of the night away by listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the other members of the household.

6.--Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before retiring. If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and you may then go about your daily labor with the happy consciousness that you have saved the bed clothes a great deal of wear and tear.

7.--Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular care to come home late and allow the watch dog to mistake you for a tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next country side. It is also calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies with an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place, is a pleasant diversion in a sleepless night.

8.--Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle; if you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence; if you feel the folding bed closing up let it close and go on with your counting; if you know that burglars are in the room pay no attention to them and let them burgle--you have business of your own to attend to. A man with a thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling details.

WISDOM IS AS WISDOM DOES.

All is not cold that shivers.

Success never shakes hands with a lazy man.

An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign Dukes in the divorce court.

The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his brains.

Before marriage a woman is an angel; after marriage she is still an angel, but her husband is now from Missouri, and she has to show him.

If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many times a day would we be insulted.

WHIST.

Being a Few Hints How to Play the Game.

Whist is a well known game with cards. It requires close attention and silence. Some people learn to play whist in fifteen minutes, but their partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never learn to play the game, but, unfortunately for humanity, they never fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it, however, but politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide world.

The following series of "Don'ts" may help you to understand some of the intricacies of the delightful game of whist. If they do not help you the only thing to do is to try pinochle:--

Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick. It is in very bad taste, unless you are a good dancer, and even then your opponents may feel deeply chagrined.

Don't smile sweetly your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear you, and scowl darkly at you.

Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or she hasn't followed suit, being very careful to select a loud and resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had sense enough to mind your own business.

Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The limit used to be twenty-six times, but the best authorities on whist now say eighteen.

Don't have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption fits are very bad form, and they delay the game.

Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table, especially if you are in a strange house.

Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. It has a much better effect, particularly if your selection is something lively, like "El Capitan" or "The Maiden's Prayer."

Don't talk politics while playing whist. Either whist or politics will suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that 34,647,932 times out of 34,647,933 it is whist that suffers.

Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular arrangement of your features, and if they happen to be in a bad humor your facial expression may be ruined for life.

Don't labor under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac for so doing.

Don't make an earnest endeavor to split the table asunder when playing a winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honor.

Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps, and then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air. Besides, you might fall and hurt yourself and the neighborhood.

Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game, and it makes the other players admire your elocutionary powers.

Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws uncomplimentary remarks from your opponents and sometimes occasions the use of a club.

Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts your ace to sleep with a little trump. Trumps were invented for that purpose, and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty.

A FEW HARMLESS GERMS.

How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time.

A Miss is as good as a mile of Misses--if you love the girl.

The horseshoe is always lucky--when the horse wins.

A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time.

One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the earth.

Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get your name in the papers so often.

BASEBALL.

Being a Guide for the Grouchy Grandstandee.

These "do nots" have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery climbs out over his collar, and who shows symptoms of being dazed and disorderly during the progress of a game.

Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting you had better get up on the back of the seat also.

Don't stop to make a careful selection of the English language before addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking. Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be glad to get out.

Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself.

Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to the game especially to hear your views on this subject.

Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at times, and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterbeerean voice.

Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening--and, if your voice is as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the Western Hemisphere will have to listen--that you know more about the game than Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother, Methuselah. Under certain circumstances modesty is a crime; therefore, you should not commit a crime by withholding this information.

Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will notice it if you do, and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's ears as the sweet strains of a whiskey-trimmed voice ringing softly on the evening air: "Hey, red-light, youse is a robber an' a thief!" Umpires love to be criticised in this manner. With every criticism they brace up wonderfully, and their straying sense of justice returns. You've noticed this fact, of course.

Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember, it is very hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides, if he does, and jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your slats, you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and come to your assistance.

Don't forget to use the most blood-curdling and decorative style of language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all quarters, and will stamp you as a gentleman of the aber-nit style of architecture.

Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they cannot enjoy you and your lung-power exhibit, they should stay at home. Keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into his cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in witch hazel, and get ready for the morrow.

BURSTS OF CONFIDENCE.

A trouble-hunter always makes a success of his job.

The girl who hesitates is left at the hitching post.

The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous.

The wise man saves up for a rainy day, and always stays in the house when it storms.

It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances.

Some men are like a phonograph--they talk when you start them, but they have no originality.

THE POOR MAN'S COOK BOOK.

(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.)

This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs the money.

The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us begin with the soup:

MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.--Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side.

BEEF TEA.--Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon in the finger bowl.

MOCK BEEFSTEAK.--Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in the family use both shoes.

IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust has ever invented for the poor man.

MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.

IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids digestion.

OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to suggest it.

MOCK GIBLETS.--Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is only for the wealthy.

IMITATION PRUNE PIE.--Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them.

BREAKFAST BACON.--Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the griddle.

SARATOGA CHIPS.--The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side.

MOCK BAKED BEANS.--Take as many buttons as the family can afford and remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the location you find yourself living on the map.

OATMEAL PUDDING.--Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust.

HAMBURGER STEAK.--Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes closed tight.

APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"

IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish. Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese napkins.

MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the northwestern end.

MOCK CLAMS.--Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.

THE FINISH.