Chapter II

1824-1825.

Extracts from my diary of 1824 and 1825.

The foregoing sketch of my early life may be properly followed by extracts from my diary; pourtraying my mental and spiritual exercises and labours during a few months before and after I commenced the work of an itinerant Methodist Preacher.

The extracts are as follow, and are very brief in comparison to the entire diary, which extends over eight years from 1824, to 1832, after which time I ceased to write a daily diary, and wrote in a journal the principal occurrences and doings in which I was concerned.[3]

_Hamilton, August 12th, 1824._--I arrived here the day after I left
home. Mr. John Law (with whom I am to study) received me with all
the affection and kindness of a sincere and disinterested friend.
Even, without expecting it, he told me that his library was at my
service; that he did not wish me to join any class, but to read by
myself, that he might pay every attention, and give me every
assistance in his power. Indeed he answered my highest expectation.
I am stopping with Mr. John Aikman. He is one of the most
respectable men in this vicinity. I shall be altogether retired. At
the Court of Assize, the Chief-Justice and the Attorney-General
will stop here, which will make a very agreeable change for a few
days. To pursue my studies with indefatigable industry, and ardent
zeal, will be my set purpose, so that I may never have to mourn the
loss of my precious time.

_Aug. 16th._--This day I commenced my studies by reading Latin and
Greek with Mr. Law. I began the duties of the day in imploring the
assistance of God; for without Him I cannot do anything. God has
been pleased to open my understanding, to enlighten my mind, and to
show me the necessity and blessedness of an unreserved and habitual
devotion to his heavenly will. I have heard Bishop Hedding preach,
also Rev. Nathan Bangs. I am resolved to improve my time more
diligently, and to give myself wholly to God. Oh, may his
long-suffering mercy bear with me, his wisdom guide, his power
support and defend me, and may his mercy bring me off triumphant in
the dying day!

_Aug. 17th._--I have been reading Virgil's Georgics. I find them
very difficult, and have only read seventy lines. In my spiritual
concerns I have been greatly blessed; and felt more anxiously
concerned for my soul's salvation, have prayed more than usual, and
experienced a firmer confidence in the blessed promises of the
Gospel. I have enjoyed sweet intercourse with my Saviour, my soul
resting on his divine word, with a prayerful acquiescence in his
dispensations. But alas! what evil have I done, how much time have
I lost, how many idle words have I spoken; how should these
considerations lead me to watch my thoughts, to husband my time
with judgment, and govern my tongue as with a bridle! Oh, Lord
bless me and prosper me in all my ways and labours, and keep me to
thyself!

_Aug. 18th._--The Lord has abundantly blessed me this day both in
my spiritual and classical pursuits. I have been able to pursue my
studies with facility, and have felt his Holy Spirit graciously
enlightening my mind, showing me the necessity of separating myself
from the world, and being given up entirely to his service.

_Aug. 19th._--I have this day proved that, with every temptation,
the Lord makes a way for my escape. I have enjoyed much peace. Oh,
Lord, help me to improve my precious time, so as to overcome the
assaults and escape the snares of the adversary!

_Aug. 20th._--In all the vicissitudes of life, how clearly is the
mysterious providence and superintending care of Jehovah
manifested! how strikingly can I observe the divine interposition
of my heavenly Father, and how sensibly do I realize his
benevolence, kindness, and mercy in the whole moral and blessed
economy of his equitable and infinitely wise government! On no
object do I cast my eyes without observing an affecting instance of
a benevolent and overruling power; and, while in mental
contemplations my mind is absorbed, my admiration rises still
higher to the exalted purposes and designs of Almighty God. I
behold in the soul noble faculties, superior powers of imagination,
and capacious desires, unfilled by anything terrestrial, and wishes
unsatisfied by the widest grasp of human ambition. What is this but
immortality? Oh, that my soul may feed on food immortal!

Another week is gone, eternally gone! What account can I give to my
Almighty Judge for my conduct and opportunities? Has my improvement
kept pace with the panting steeds of unretarded time? Must I give
an account of every idle word, thought, and deed? Oh, merciful God!
if the most righteous, devoted, and holy scarcely are saved, where
stall I appear? How do my vain thoughts, and unprofitable
conversation, swell heaven's register? Where is my watchfulness!
Where are my humility, purity, and hatred of sin? Where is my zeal?
Alas! alas! they are things unpractised, unfelt, almost unknown to
me. How little do I share in the toils, the labours, or the sorrows
of the righteous, and consequently how little do I participate in
their confidence, their joys, their heavenly prospects? Oh, may
these awful considerations drive me closer to God, and incite to a
more diligent improvement of my precious time, so that I may bear
the mark of a real follower of Christ!

_Aug. 22nd.--Sabbath._--When I arose this morning I endeavoured to
dedicate myself afresh to God in prayer, with a full determination
to improve the day to his glory, and to spend it in his service.
Accordingly, I spent the morning in prayer, reading, and
meditation; but when I came to mingle with the worldly-minded, my
devotions and meditations were dampened and distracted, my thoughts
unprofitable and vain. I attended a Methodist Class-meeting where I
felt myself forcibly convinced of my shortcomings. Sure I am that
unless I am more vigilant, zealous, and watchful, I shall never
reach the Paradise of God. I must be willing to bear reproach for
Christ's sake, confess him before men, or I never can be owned by
him in the presence of his Father, and the holy angels.

Merciful God! forbid that I should barter away my heavenly
inheritance for a transient gleam of momentary joy, and the empty
round of worldly pleasure:

"Help me to watch and pray,
And on thyself rely,
Assured if I my trust betray,
I shall forever die."

_Aug. 23rd._--I have been abundantly prospered in my studies
to-day; and have been enabled to maintain an outward conformity in
my conduct. But alas! how blind to my own interest, to deprive
myself of the highest blessings and exalted honours the Almighty
has to bestow. Oh, Lord! help me henceforth to be wise unto
salvation. May I be sober and watch unto prayer! Amen.

_Aug. 24th._--Through the mercy of God I have been enabled in a
good degree to overcome my besetments, and have this day maintained
more consistency in conversation and conduct. Still I feel too much
deterred by the fear of man, and thirst too ardently for the
honours of the world. Merciful God! give me more grace, wisdom, and
strength, that I may triumphantly overcome and escape to heaven at
last!

I shall finish the first book of the Georgics to-day, which is the
seventh day since I commenced them. I expect to finish them in four
weeks from this time. My mind improves, and I feel much encouraged.
My labour is uniform and constant, from the dawn of day till near
eleven at night. I have not a moment to play on the flute.

_Aug. 25th._--There is nothing like implicit trust in the Almighty
for assistance, protection, and assurance! His past dispensations
and dealings with me leave not the least suspicion of his
inviolable veracity, and his efficacious promises cheer the
sadness, calm the fears of every soul that practically reposes in
and seeks after him. The truth of this, blessed be God, I have in
some measure experienced to-day. Help me, O Lord, with increasing
grace to attain still more sublime enjoyments and triumphant
prospects!

_Aug. 26th._--I feel a growing indifference to worldly pleasures,
and increasing love to God, to holiness, and heaven. Entire
confidence in a superintending Providence heals the wounded heart
of even the disconsolate widow, and gives the oil of joy for
sorrow, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

_Aug. 27th._--This day I attended a funeral; those connected with
it were very ignorant; how strikingly this showed to me the
advantages of a good education. God forbid that I should idle away
my golden moments. Help me to choose the better part, and honour
God in all things!

_Aug. 28th._--The labours of another week are ended; during it I
have enjoyed much of the presence of God; surely the religion of
Christ dazzles all the magnificence of human glory; were I only to
regard the happiness of this life, I would embrace its doctrines,
practice its laws, and exert my influence for its extension.

_Aug. 29th.--Sabbath._--The blessings of the Lord have abundantly
surrounded me this day, and my heart has been enlarged.

_Aug. 30th._--In observing my actions and words this day, I find I
have done many things that are culpable; and yet, blessed be God,
his goodness to me is profuse. Help me to watch and pray that I
enter not into temptation.

_Aug. 31st._--How many youths around me do I see trifling away the
greatest part of their time, and profaning their Maker's name? My
soul magnifies His name that I have decided to be on the Lord's
side; how many evils have I escaped; how many blessings obtained;
what praise enjoyed, through the influence of this religion. To God
be all the glory!

_September 1st._--In no subject can we employ our thoughts more
profitably than on the atonement of Christ, and justification
through his merits. With wonder we gaze on the love of Deity; with
profound awe we behold a God descending from heaven to earth.
Unbounded love! Unmeasured grace! And while in deep silence his
death wraps all nature; while his yielding breath rends the temple
and shakes earth's deep foundations; may my redeemed soul in silent
rapture tune her grateful song aloft; and fired by this
blood-bought theme, may I mend my pace towards my heavenly
inheritance!

I generally close up the labours of the day by writing a short
essay or theme on some religious subject. In doing this I have two
objects in view: the improvement of my mind and heart. And what
could be more appropriate than to close the day by reflection upon
God, and heaven, and time, and eternity? No private employment,
except that of prayer, have I found more pleasing and profitable
than this. Youth is the seed-time of the life that now is, as well
as of that which is to come. Youthful piety is the germ of true
honour, lawful prosperity, and everlasting blessedness. One day of
humble, devotional piety in youth will add more to our happiness at
the last end of life than a year of repentance and humiliation in
old age. I have no intention of entering the ministry, and yet I
prefer religious topics. To-day I have chosen the atonement of our
Lord, and have written a few thoughts on it.

_Sept. 2nd._--Implicit trust in a superintending Providence is a
constant source of comfort and support to me.

_Sept. 3rd._--God has blessed me to-day in my studies. I have also
felt the efficacy of Divine aid. Help me still, most merciful God!

_Sept. 4th._--In the course of the past week I have experienced
various feelings, especially with respect to the dealings of Divine
Providence with me; but in all I have had this consolation, that
whatever happens, "the will of the Lord be done." It is my duty to
perform and obey.

_Sept. 5th._--This morning I attended church and heard a sermon on
Ezekiel xviii. 27. When we consider the importance of repentance,
its connection with our eternal happiness, surely every feeling
heart, and ministers especially, should exhibit with burning zeal
the conditions of salvation, the slavery of vice, the heinousness
of sin, the vanity of human glory, and the uncertainty of life.

_Sept. 6th._--When I laid aside my studies to commit my evening
thoughts to paper, my mind wandered on various subjects, until much
time was lost; the best antidote against this is, not to put off to
the next moment what can be done in this. We should be firm and
decided in all our pursuits, and whatever our minds "find to do, do
it with all our might."

_Sept. 7th._--The mutual dependence of men cements society, and
their social intercourse communicates pleasure. If we are called to
endure the pains and inconveniences of poverty, possessing this we
forget all; and in the pleasant walks of wealth, it adds to every
elegance a charm. Friendship associated with religion, elevates all
the ties of Christian love and mutual pleasure.

_Sept. 8th._--I have found myself too much mingled with the common
crowd, and like others, too indifferent to the subject of all
others the chief.

_Sept. 9th._--We "cannot serve God and Mammon." May I be firm in my
attachment to the Saviour, remembering that "godliness has the
promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come."

_Sept. 12th._--I heard a practical sermon on making our "calling
and election sure," which closed with these words, "He that calleth
upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." I felt condemned on
account of my negligence, and resolved, by God's help, to gain
victory over my tendency to inconsistencies of life and conduct.

_Sept. 14th._--I observe men embarked on the stream of time, and
carried forward with irresistible force to that universal port
which shall receive the whole human family. Amongst this passing
crowd, how few are there who reflect upon the design and end of
their voyage; surfeited with pleasure, involved in life's busy
concerns, the future, with its awful realities, is forgotten and
time, not eternity, is placed in the foreground.

_Sept, 15th._--In a letter to my brother George, to-day, I
said:--It would be superfluous for me to tell you that the letter I
received from you gave me unspeakable pleasure. Your fears with
respect to my injuring my health are groundless, for I must confess
I don't possess half that application and burning zeal in these
all-important pursuits that I ought to have. For who can estimate
the value of a liberal education? Who can sufficiently prize that
in which all the powers of the human mind can expand to their
utmost and astonishing extent? What industry can outstretch the
worth of that knowledge, by which we can travel back to the
remotest ages, and live the lives of all antiquity? Nay, who can
set bounds to the value of those attainments, by which we can, as
it were, fly from world to world, and gaze on all the glories of
creation; by which we can glide down the stream of time, and
penetrate the unorganized regions of uncreated futurity? My heart
burns while I write. Although literature presents the highest
objects of ambition to the most refined mind, yet I consider
health, in comparison with other temporal enjoyments, the most
bountiful, and highest gift of heaven.

I have read three books of the Georgics, and three odes of Horace,
but this last week I have read scarcely any, as I have had a great
deal of company, and there has been no school. But I commence again
to-day with all my might. The Attorney-General stops at Mr.
Aikman's during Court. I find him very agreeable. He conversed with
me more than an hour last night, in the most sociable, open manner
possible.

_Sept. 16th._--There is nothing of greater importance than to
commence early to form our characters and regulate our conduct.
Observation daily proves that man's condition in this world is
generally the result of his own conduct. When we come to maturity,
we perceive there is a right and a wrong in the actions of men;
many who possess the same hereditary advantages, are not equally
prosperous in life; some by virtuous conduct rise to
respectability, honour, and happiness; while others by mean and
vicious actions, forfeit the advantages of their birth, and sink
into ignominy and disgrace. How necessary that in early life useful
habits should be formed, and turbulent passions restrained, so that
when manhood and old age come, the mind be not enervated by the
follies and vices of youth, but, supported and strengthened by the
Divine Being, be enabled to say, "O God, thou hast taught me from
my youth, and now when I am old and grey-headed, O God, thou wilt
not forsake me!"

_Sept. 21st._--I have just parted with an old and faithful friend,
who has left for another kingdom. How often has he kindly reproved
me, and how oft have we gone to the house of God together! We may
never meet again on earth, but what a mercy to have a good hope of
meeting in the better land!

_Sept. 23rd._--When I reflect on the millions of the human family
who know nothing of Christ, my soul feels intensely for their
deliverance. What a vast uncultivated field in my own country for
ministers to employ their whole time and talents in exalting a
crucified Saviour. Has God designed this sacred task for me? If it
be Thy will, may all obstacles be removed, my heart be sanctified
and my hands made pure.

_Sept. 26th._--I have been much oppressed with a man-fearing
spirit, but what have I to fear if God be for me? Oh, Lord, enable
me to become a bold witness for Jesus Christ!

_Sept. 28th._--In all the various walks of life, I find
obstructions and labours, surrounded with foes, powerful as well
as subtle; although I have all the promises of the Gospel to
comfort and support me, yet find exertion on my own part absolutely
necessary. When heaven proclaims victory, it is only that which
succeeds labour. I consider it a divine requisition that my whole
course of conduct, both in political and social life, should be
governed by the infallible precepts of revelation; hypocrisy is
inexcusable, even in the most trifling circumstances.

_Sept. 29th._--I find difficulties to overcome in my literary
pursuits, I had never anticipated; and it is only by the most
indefatigable labour I can succeed. I am much oppressed by the
labours of this day. I need Divine aid in this as well as in
spiritual pursuits.

_Sept. 30th._--I have been enabled to study with considerable
facility. Prayer I find the most profitable employment, practice
the best instructor, and thanksgiving the sweetest recreation. May
this be my experience every day!

_October, 2nd._--I am another week nearer my eternal destiny! Am I
nearer heaven, and better prepared for death than at its
commencement? Do I view sin with greater abhorence? Are my views of
the Deity more enlarged? Is it my meat and drink to do his holy
will? Oh, my God, how much otherwise!

_From the 3rd to the 9th Oct._--During this period the afflicting
hand of God has been upon me; thank God, when distressed with
bodily pain, I have felt a firm assurance of Divine favour, so that
all fear of death has been taken away. My soul is too unholy to
meet a holy God, and mingle with the society of the blest. Oh, God,
save me from the deceitfulness of my own heart!

_Oct. 10th, Sabbath._--I am rapidly recovering health and strength.
The Lord is my refuge and comfort. Surrounded by temptations, the
applause of men is often too fascinating, and my treacherous heart
dresses things in false colours. But, bless God, in his goodness
and mercy he recalls my wandering steps, and invites me to dwell in
safety under the shadow of his wing.

_Oct. 11th._--No graces are of more importance than patience and
perseverance. They give consistency and dignity to character. We
may possess the most sparkling talents and the most interesting
qualities, but without these graces, the former lose their lustre,
and the latter their charms. In religion their influence is more
important, as they form the character, by enabling us to surmount
difficulties and remove obstacles. I am far from thinking them
constitutional virtues, with a little additional cultivation, but I
consider them the gift of heaven, less common than is generally
imagined, though sometimes faintly counterfeited. They differ from
natural or moral excellence in this being the proper and consistent
exercise of those virtues.

_Oct. 12th._--It is two weeks to-day since I first wrote home. A
week ago I received a kind letter from my brother George, but was
too ill with fever to read it, or to write in reply until to-day. I
said: "I feel truly thankful to you for the tender concern and warm
interest which you express in your letter. Tell my dear Mother that
I share with her her afflictions, and that I am daily more forcibly
convinced that every earthly comfort and advantage is transient and
unsatisfactory, that this is not our home, but that our highest
happiness amidst these fluctuating scenes, is to insure the favour
and protection of him who alone can raise us above afflictions and
calamities."

_November 20th._--More than a month has elapsed since I recorded my
religious feelings and enjoyments on paper. During this period, I
have sometimes realized all the pleasures of health; at other
times, borne down with pain and sickness, the spirit would be cast
down. At such seasons of depression, religion would come in as my
only comfort, and with the Psalmist I would exclaim, "Hope thou in
God, for I shall yet praise him who is the light of my countenance,
and my God." Thus I find from blessed experience, that in every
state and condition, union and intercourse with God brings true
peace, joy, trust, and praise. If there be any honour, here it is.
If there be any wealth, this is it. "I would rather be a
door-keeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of
wickedness." O Lord, give me more of the mind of Christ!

_Nov. 25th._--In entering on the field of life, I find my mind much
perplexed with the variety of objects presented to my view. The
comforts and tranquility of domestic happiness attract my
attention, and excite warm desires in my heart. Am I not to taste
the pleasures which two hearts reciprocally united in one, mutually
communicate? or must I give up the home of domestic enjoyment to
the calls of duty, and the salvation of men? Has heaven designed
that I should spend my days in seeking the lost sheep of the House
of Israel? May divine wisdom direct me, and suffer me not to follow
the dictates of my own will!

_Nov. 26th._--By taking a retrospective view of what is past, we
learn to ask more wisely in the time to come. The cool dictates of
reason, assisted by that inward monitor, conscience, placed within
the breast of every individual, strongly condemns every deviation
from propriety, justice, or morality. By mingling with society we
learn human nature, and the scenes of public resort afford us a
field for useful observation, yet retirement is the place to
acquire the most important knowledge--_the knowledge of ourselves_.
What would it avail us to dive into the mysteries of science, or
entertain the world with new discoveries, to acquaint ourselves
with the principles of morality, or learn the whole catalogue of
Christian doctrines, if we are unacquainted with our own hearts,
and strangers to the business of self-government?

_February 12th, 1825._--During the long period since I last penned
my religious meditations, my feelings, hopes, and prospects have
been extremely varied. While I was promising myself health and many
temporal pleasures, God saw fit to show me the uncertainty of
earthly things, and the necessity and wisdom of submission to his
will, by the rod of affliction. During my sickness I have derived
much pleasure and profit from the visits of pious friends, so that
I have felt it is good to be afflicted.[4]

_Feb. 13th._--I am resolved, by God's assisting grace, to keep the
following resolutions:--(1) Endeavour to fix my first waking
thoughts on God; (2) By rising early to attend to my devotions, and
reading the Scriptures; (3)By praying oftener each day, and
maintaining a more devotional frame of mind; (4) By being more
circumspect in my conduct and conversation; (5) By improving my
time more diligently in reading useful books, and study; (6) By
watching over my thoughts, and keeping my desires within proper
bounds; (7) By examining myself more closely by the scripture rule;
(8) By leaving myself and all that concerns me to God's disposal;
(9) By reviewing every evening the actions of the day, and
especially every Sabbath, examining wherein I have come short, or
have kept God's precepts.

_Feb. 16th._--I have lately been closely employed in reading Bishop
Burnet's History of the Reformation. How sad to reflect on the
cruelties that were then practised against the professors of true
religion! What a reason for thankfulness that the sway of papal
authority can no longer inflict papal obligations on the
consciences of men! But after careful research into this highly
authentic history, I find but few vestiges of that apostolic purity
which churchmen so boastfully attribute to that memorable period of
Christian history. Great allowance, is, however, to be made when
we consider that they were just emerging out of the superstitions
of popery. That doctrines, discipline, and ceremonies, cannot be
established without the royal assent, even when they are approved
both by ecclesiastical and legislative authority, is a practice so
different from anything that the Primitive Church authorizes, it
seems to me to originate from quite a different source; that a
whole nation should be bound in their religious opinions by a
single individual, savours so much of popery, I think it may
properly be called its offspring. Pretentions to regal supremacy in
church affairs were never made till a late period, although this
interference of papal authority in matters entirely spiritual, does
not annul any ecclesiastical power, or prove its doctrines to be
corrupt, or its ordinations illegal. It may be justly ranked among
the invasions of modern corruption.

_Feb. 17th._--Since I drew up, four days since, several resolutions
for amendment, I bless God I have reason to believe I have made
some improvement. I have applied myself more closely to study,
prayed oftener, and governed my thoughts with more rigour.

_Feb. 27th._--I am now emerging into life, surrounded by blessings
and opportunities for usefulness and improvement; but, alas! where
is my gratitude, my love to God, my zeal for his cause, and for the
salvation of those who are ignorant of the great truths of the
Gospel? If, O God, thou hast designed this awfully important work
for me, qualify me for it; increase and enlarge my desires for the
salvation of immortal souls!

_March 15th._--This day I have recommenced my studies with Mr. John
Law, at Hamilton. How necessary that I should be very careful in my
conduct for the credit of religion and Methodism!

_March 24th._--I have this day finished twenty-two years of my
life. I have decided this day to travel in the Methodist Connexion
and preach Jesus to the lost sons of men. Oh, the awful importance
of this work! How utterly unfit I am for the undertaking! How
little wisdom, experience, and, above all, grace do I possess for
the labours of the ministry! Blessed Jesus, fountain of wisdom, God
of power, I give myself to thee, and to the Church, to do with me
according to thy will. Instruct and sanctify me, that whether I
live, it may be to the Lord, and when I die it may be to the Lord!

_April 3rd.--Easter Sunday._--I this day commenced my ministerial
labours. Bless the Lord, he has given me a heart to feel. He hears
my prayer. Oh, my soul, hang all thy hopes upon the Lord! Forbid I
should seek the praise of men, but may I seek their good and God's
glory.

In the morning I endeavoured to speak from Ps. cxxvi. 5, and in the
evening from Acts ii. 24--a subject suitable for the day; bless the
Lord, I felt something of the power of my Saviour's resurrection
resting on my soul.

_April 8th._--The Lord being my helper, my little knowledge and
feeble talents shall be unreservedly devoted to his service. I do
not yet regret giving up my worldly pursuits for the welfare of
souls. I want Christ to be all in all.

_April 10th.--Sabbath._--I endeavoured this morning to show the
abundant provisions, the efficacy, and the triumphs of the Gospel
from Isaiah xxv. 6, 7, 8, and in the afternoon I described the
righteous man and his end from Prov. xiv. 32. I felt much of the
presence of the Lord, and I do bless the Lord he has converted one
soul in this place to-day. I feel encouraged to go on.

_April 13th._--I have been depressed in spirit on account of having
no abode for domestic retirement, and becoming exposed to all the
besetments of public life.

_April 15th._--So bowed down with temptation to-day, I almost
resolved to return to my native place. But, in God's strength, I
will try to do my best during the time I have engaged to supply my
brother William's place.

_April 16th._--In reading Rollin's account of the conquest of
Babylon, I conceive more exalted ideas of the truth of the Word of
God, whose predictions were so exactly fulfilled in the destruction
of that city.

_April 17th.--Sabbath._--My labours this day have been excessive,
having delivered three discourses. In the morning my mind was dull
and heavy, in the afternoon warm and pathetic, in the evening clear
and fertile. I feel encouraged to continue on.

_April 23rd._--I feel nothing but condemnation in reviewing the
actions of the past week. Would it not be better for me to return
home until I gain better government over myself. Oh, Lord, I throw
myself upon thy mercy! "Take not thy Holy Spirit from me! Restore
unto me the joy of thy salvation!"

_April 25th and 26th._--And thus I go on, depressed and refreshed;
almost discouraged because of the way, and then cheered by the kind
and fatherly conversation of Rev. Thomas Madden.

_April 29th._--In travelling to-day a tree fell across the road
four or five rods before me, and another not far behind, but I
escaped unhurt. My heart glowed with gratitude; I felt that the
Lord was indeed my protector. But whilst so narrowly escaping
myself, two persons, a woman and her son, who were travelling a
short distance behind me, were suddenly killed by the falling of a
tree, and thus in an instant hurried into eternity.

_May 4th._--I watched to-day a large concourse of people assembled
to witness horse-racing. I stood at a distance that I might observe
an illustration of human nature. Curiosity and excitement were
depicted in every countenance. What is to become of this
thoughtless multitude? Is there no mercy for them? Surely there is.
Why will they not be saved? Because they will not come to Him.

_May 5th._--During the day I preached once, to a listening but
wicked assembly. In the afternoon I heard my brother William. I was
affected by the force of his reasoning, and the power of his
eloquence. I hope the Lord will help me to imitate his piety and
zeal.

_May 7th._--A camp-meeting was commenced this afternoon on Yonge
Street, near the town of York. Rev. Thomas Madden preached from,
"Lord help me!" Every countenance indicated interest, and every
heart appeared willing to receive the word. In the evening a pious,
aged man spoke (Mr. D. Y.) His discourse was full of God. Several
were converted and made very happy.

_May 8th._--The people rose at 5 a.m. After prayers and breakfast,
there was a prayer meeting, daring which God was especially
present. At 8 a.m. I preached from Hosea xiii. 3. This was followed
by two exhortations; then Rev. Rowley Heyland preached from, "Buy
the truth, and sell it not." About two o'clock the people were
again assembled to hear the Rev. James Richardson (formerly a
lieutenant in the British Navy) from the words, "Be ye reconciled
to God." His style was plain but unadorned, his reasoning clear,
and his arguments forcible. The services concluded with the
celebration of the Lord's Supper. About three hundred communicated,
sixty-two professed to have obtained the pardon of their sins, and
forty-two gave their names as desirous of becoming members of the
Methodist Society. After this, a concluding address was delivered
by the Rev. Wm. Ryerson, in which he gave particular directions to
the Methodists as subjects under the civil constitution, as members
of the Church of Christ, as parents, as children, as individuals.
He animadverted on the groundless and disingenuous aspersions that
had been thrown out through the press against Methodism, on account
of the suspected loyalty of its constitutional principles. He
warmly insisted on a vigorous observance, support, and respect for
the Civil Government, both from the beneficence of its laws and the
equity of its administration, as well as from the authority of God.
The concluding ceremony was the most affecting I ever witnessed,
especially in the affection which the people showed for their
ministers.

_May 12th._--I have this day ridden nearly thirty miles, preached
three times, and met two classes. I felt very much fatigued, yet
the Lord has given me "strength equal to my day."

_May 19th._--I have been much blessed in the society of pious
friends. A part of the week I felt very sick, but was greatly
comforted by the conversation and affectionate treatment of my
kindest friend, Mrs. Smith. Since I commenced labouring for my
Master I have found fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, all
ready to supply my every want.

_May 24th._--A Camp-meeting commenced at Mount Pleasant. The
presence of both Mississauga and Mohawk Indians added greatly to
the interest of the meeting. Peter Jones addressed his people in
their own tongue; although I did not understand, I was much
affected by his fervency and pathos. He spoke in English in a
manner that astonished all present.

Another Indian Chief addressed his brethren in the Mohawk tongue. I
could not understand a word of it, but was carried away with his
pathos and energy. These Indians thanked the white people for
sending them the Gospel. He said that upwards of sixty Indians had
been converted, and could testify that God had power to forgive
sin. He, _i.e._, a young Chippewa said that the most earnest desire
and prayer of the Christian Indians was that God would drive the
horrid whiskey from their nation. It was truly affecting to see
this young man arise and testify in the presence of God and this
large assembly, that "he had the witness in his own soul, that God
for Christ's sake had forgiven all his sins." The congregation was
much moved, and prayers and praises were heard in every part of the
assembly. At the close of the exercises, on the following day, the
Mohawk Chief said, "They considered that they belonged to the
Methodist Church, as they had done all for them."

_May 29th._--For many days I have been cast down by a weight of
care. My Father is exceedingly anxious that I should return home,
and remain with him during his lifetime. A position in the Church
of England has presented itself, and other advantageous attractions
with regard to this world, offer themselves.[5] It makes my heart
bleed to see the anxiety of my parents. But is it duty? If they
were in want I would return to them without hesitation, but when I
consider they have everything necessary, can it be my duty to
gratify them at the expense of the cause of God? Surely if a man
may leave father and mother to join himself to a wife, how much
more reasonable _to leave all_ to join himself to the Christian
ministry. My parents are dear to me, but my duty to God is dearer
still. One thing do I desire, that I may live in the House of the
Lord for ever!

And shall I leave a Church through whose faithful instructions I
have been brought to know God, for any advantages that the entrance
to another might afford me? No, far be it from me; as I received
the Lord Jesus, so I will walk in him. Earthly distinctions will be
but short; but the favour of God will last forever. Besides, is it
a sacrifice to do my duty? Is it not rather a cause of gratitude
that I know my duty, and am allowed to perform it? My heart is
united with the Methodists, my soul is one with theirs; my labours
are acceptable, and they are anxious that I should continue with
them. I believe in their Articles, I approve of their Constitution,
and I believe them to be of the Church of Christ.

_Saltfleet, May 30th._--[Amongst Dr. Ryerson's papers I find the two following letters. The first addressed from Saltfleet, on this day, to his brother George; the second to his Mother on the following day.--J. G. H.]

[To his brother, Rev. George Ryerson, he said: I suppose your first inquiry is to know my spiritual condition and prospects. As to my religious enjoyments, I think that I have reason to believe I am daily blessed with the divine presence to enlighten, to instruct, and to assist me in my researches and meditations, and in the other arduous duties I have to discharge. Never did I so sensibly feel the importance of the work in which I am now engaged, as I have these few days past. I feel that I am altogether inadequate to it; but God has in a very special manner, at different times, been my wisdom and strength. I do not feel sorry that I have commenced travelling as a preacher. I think I feel more deeply the worth of souls at heart. I feel willing to spend my all, and be spent in the cause of God, if I may become the unworthy instrument in doing some good to the souls of men. The greatest assistance I receive in my public labours, is that which results from a firm dependence on God for light, life, and power. When I forget this I am visited with that barrenness of mind, and hardness of heart which are always the companions of those who live at a distance from God. In discharging every public duty, my prayer to God is, to renew my commission afresh, and give me wisdom and energy, and I do not find him slack concerning his promise. I am striving to pursue my studies with unabating ardour. My general practice is to retire at ten o'clock, or before, and rise at five. When I am travelling, I strive to converse no more than is necessary and useful, endeavouring at all times to keep in mind the remark of Dr. Clarke, that a preacher's whole business is to save souls, and that that preacher is the most useful who is the most in his closet. On my leisure days I read from ten to twenty verses of Greek a day, besides reading history, the Scriptures, and the best works on practical divinity, among which Chalmers' has decidedly the preference in my mind, both for piety and depth of thought. These two last studies employ the greatest part of my time. My preaching is altogether original. I endeavour to collect as many ideas from every source as I can; but I do not copy the expression of any one. For I do detest seeing blooming flowers in dead men's hands. I think it my duty, and I try to get a general knowledge, and view of any subject that I discuss before-hand; but not unfrequently I have tried to preach with only a few minutes previous reflection. Remember me to my dear Mother, and give her this letter to read, and tell her that I will write soon.]

_Saltfleet, May 31st._--[To his Mother he writes: My dear Mother, I am thankful to say that I am well, and am trying in a weak way to serve the Lord, and persuading as many others to do so as I can. I feel that I am almost destitute of every necessary qualification for so important a work. The Lord has blessed me in a very special manner at many different times. Our prospects are very favourable in some places. Our congregations are generally large, and still increasing. We have twenty-four appointments in four weeks. I have formed some very useful and pious acquaintances since I left home. The Lord seems to be with me, and renders my feeble efforts acceptable in general. My acquaintance seems to be sought by all classes, and I try to improve such advantages in spreading, by my example and conversation, the blessed religion of Christ among all ranks. I have many temptations to contend with, and many trials to weigh me down at times. Some of these arise from a sense of the injustice which I have done to important subjects, on account of my ignorance, which drives me to a throne of grace, and a closer application to my studies. My situation is truly a state of trial, and none but God could support and direct me. And I do feel the comforting and refreshing influence of his divine power at times very sensibly. I am determined, by his assistance, never to rest contented until he not only becomes my wisdom, but my sanctification, and my full redemption. And blessed be the Lord, my dear Mother, I do feel a hope, and a confidence that the same divine power and goodness which supports and comforts you in your ill state of health, and which gives you victory over your trials, and consolation in your distress, will conduct me, too, through this stormy maze, and we shall yet have the blessedness of meeting at our Father's table in Heaven. And God being my helper, my dear Mother, when you have gone home to rest with God, I am determined to pursue the same path, which you have strewn with prayers, with tears, and living faith, until I reach the same blessed port. I hope that you will pray that the Lord would help and save me forever! If I had no other inducement to serve God, and walk in the path of religion, but your comfort, I would try and devote my life to it while I live; but when Heaven's transcendant glory beams forth in prospective view, my soul burns to possess the kingdom, and my heart is enlarged for the salvation of others. I wish you would get George to write immediately, and let me know the state of your mind, and your opinion about my returning home, also his own opinion on that subject.--J. G. H.]

_July 2nd._--This week has been a season of trial. I have left my
Father's house once more, and arrived on my Circuit.

_July 3rd.--Sabbath._--I have preached twice to-day in Niagara for
the first time; felt very embarrassed, but my trust was in God, and
my prayer to Him for assistance.

_July 4th._--This evening I have been distressed in mind on account
of leaving my parents. My heart melts within me when I think of my
Father's faltering voice, when lying on his bed he said, "Good-bye,
Egerton," and reached forth his trembling hand, saying by his
countenance that he never expected to see his son a resident in his
house again. He laid himself back in his bed in apparent despair,
no more to enjoy the society of the child he loved. Oh, my God! is
it not too much for humanity? Nature sinks beneath the weight. It
is only God that can sustain. May I endure manfully to the end!

_July 6th and 7th._--I have been much interested in reading Dr.
Coke's discourses, also Wesley's sermons on "The Kingdom of God."

_July 9th._--I have crossed the river to the United States to-day
for the first time. The manners of the people are not pleasant to
me.

_July 10th--Sabbath._--The Lord has greatly blessed me this day. I
have preached three times. My heart overflowed with love for
immortal souls. Many wept, and God's people seemed stirred up to
engage afresh in His service. In the evening, I preached to very a
wicked congregation, from Matt. xvi. 24. My mind was clear,
particularly in argument, but they seemed to be unaffected.

_July 14th._--I have been afflicted with illness, but the Lord has
comforted me. Again had to mourn over light conversation, still I
think I have gained some victory. I am determined to watch and pray
until I obtain a triumph over this trying besetment.

_July 17th._--I felt so ill this morning that I could not attend my
appointment, but recovered so as to preach feebly in the afternoon.
The Word seemed to rest with power on the people.

_July 21st._--For several days I have been much interested in
reading Fletcher's "Portrait of St. Paul." When I compare my
actions and feelings with the standard there laid down, I blush on
account of my ignorance in the duties and labours connected with my
calling. Did the ministers of the Gospel obtain and possess a
deeper communion with God? Did they cultivate primitive piety in
their lives, and Gospel simplicity in their preaching, surely the
power of darkness could not stand before them! How many learned
discourses are entirely lost in the wisdom of words, whereas plain
and simple sermons, delivered with power and demonstration of the
Spirit, have been attended with astonishing success.

_July 27th._--I have been considerably agitated in my mind for the
last two days, having lost my horse. The fatigue in searching for
her has been considerable. Thank God she is found!

_July 31st--Sabbath._--Greatly blessed in attending a Quarterly
meeting in Hamilton; also in hearing an interesting account of the
Indians receiving their presents at York. Peter Jones had written
to Col. Givens to enquire just what time they must be there,
stating that as many of them had become Christianized and
industrious, they did not want to lose time. The Colonel was
surprised at the news, and replied, giving the necessary
information. Peter Jones' letter was shown to Rev. Dr. Strachan and
His Excellency the Governor. It excited great curiosity. When the
Indians arrived, the Colonel had, as usual, brought liquor to treat
them, but as Peter Jones informed him the Christian Indians would
not drink, he very wisely said "the others should not have it
either," and sent it back. How the Lord honours those who honour
Him. Rev. Dr. Strachan and several ladies and gentlemen assembled
to see the distribution of presents. The Christian Indians were
requested to separate from the others, that they might read and
sing. The company was much pleased, and Dr. Strachan prayed with
them. On the following Sabbath, the Dr. visited the Credit
settlement, and attended one of the meetings which was addressed by
Peter Jones. Dr. Strachan proposed their coming under the
superintendence of the Church of England; but after holding a
council, they declined, deciding to remain under the direction of
the Methodists. May the Lord greatly prosper his work amongst them,
preserve them from every delusive snare, and may their happy souls
be kept blameless unto the day of Jesus Christ!

_August 1st._--This day I have been admitted into the Methodist
Connexion, licensed as a Local Preacher, and recommended tn the
Annual Conference to be received on trial. How awful the
responsibility! How dreadful my condition if I violate my charge or
deal deceitfully with souls! Oh, God, assist me to declare Thy
whole counsel! and help me to instruct by example as well as
precept. How swiftly am I gliding down time's rapid stream! I am
daily reminded of the uncertainty and shortness of life. I went
to-day to visit a friend, and (as usual) smilingly came to the
door, when behold! all was mourning and sorrow! An infant son had
just taken its everlasting flight to the arms of Jesus. He was a
fine boy, active and promising, but he had suddenly gone to return
no more! The father's philosophy forsakes him now; parental feeling
has uncontrolled sway. I recommended religion as the only
sufficient support and comfort. I touched on the mysterious
government of God; that truly "Clouds and darkness are round about
him." yet "righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his
throne." I pointed out the happiness of the beloved babe, which
should lead us to devote our all to His service, that we might
eventually share in the unspeakable blessedness to which the lovely
infant is now raised.

_Aug. 10th._--My soul rejoices at the news I have heard from home,
that my eldest brother (George) has resolved to join the
Methodists, and become a missionary among the Indians. How
encouraging and comforting the thought that four of us are now
united in the same Church, and pursue the same glorious calling. My
Father has become reconciled, and my Mother is willing to part with
her sons for the sake of the Church of Christ.

_Aug. 14th--Sabbath._--Never did I feel my pride more mortified in
the discharge of public duty. I was desirous of delivering a
discourse, in Niagara, which would meet the approbation of all,
after carefully adjusting the subject, by the assistance of a
variety of authors; but through fatigue (having rode twelve miles),
and embarrassment, I was scarcely able to finish. My heart felt
hard and my mind barren, conscience reproached me that I had not
acted with a single eye to the glory of God. In the afternoon, I
threw myself on the mercy of God; my tongue was loosened and my
heart warmed. Surely, "They that trust in the Lord shall not be
confounded."

_Aug. 17th._--This morning a lady died with whom I had considerable
conversation on the subject of Methodism, and on the propriety of
her daughters joining the society contrary to her wish. She
appeared to be satisfied with my account of the principles and
nature of Methodism, but did not like to acknowledge the propriety
of her daughters' proceedings, although her judgment seemed
convinced as I adverted to the principles of her own church. I am
informed that yesterday she said, "The girls are right and I am
wrong." How comforting this must be to her daughters, who have
entirely overcome her opposition by their kindness, affection, and
gospel simplicity.

_Aug. 22nd._--Yesterday I delivered a discourse on the subject of
Missions, for the purpose of forming a Missionary Society in this
place (Niagara).

_September 3rd, 1825._--I took tea this afternoon at Youngstown,
U.S., for the first time.

_Sept. 6th._--Had the pleasure of meeting my brother to-day, whom I
have not seen for a year. How comforting to meet with those who are
not only near by the ties of nature, but much more by the changing
power of divine grace.

_Sept. 9th._--Have been greatly benefitted to-day by hearing Bishop
Hedding preach from Rev. iii. 5.

_Sept. 16th._--I bless God for what mine eyes hath seen, and mine
ears have heard to-day, being the first anniversary of the Canadian
Missionary Society. The Hon. John Willson, M.P.P., was requested to
take the chair. Several Indians, who had been brought to a
knowledge of the truth, through the efforts of this Society, were
present and spoke. How delightful to see the warlike Mohawk, and
the degraded Mississauga, exchanging the heathen war-whoop for the
sublime praise of the God of love! This is the commencement of
greater things which the Lord will do for the aboriginies of
Canada.

_Sept. 23rd._--I have this day received my appointment for York and
Yonge street. Never did I feel more sensibly the necessity of
Divine help. Help me, O God, to go forth in Thy strength, and
contend manfully under the banner of Christ! Amen.

FOOTNOTES:

[3] These voluminous diaries and journals are full of detail, chiefly of Dr. Ryerson's religious experience. They are rich in illustration of the severe mental and spiritual disciplinary process--self-imposed--through which he passed during these eventful years of his earlier life. They are singularly severe in their personal reflections upon his religious shortcomings, and want of watchfulness. They are tinged with an asceticism which largely characterized the religious experience of many of the early Methodist preachers of Mr. Wesley's time--an asceticism which strongly marked the Methodist biography and writings, which were almost the only religious reading accessible to the devoted Methodist pioneers of this country,--J. G. H.

[4] In a previous and subsequent chapter Dr. Ryerson refers more particularly to this illness (pp. 28, 39, and elsewhere). It was a turning point in his life, and decided him to enter the ministry on his twenty-second birthday.--J. G. H.

[5] Dr. Ryerson refers in another chapter to the overtures which were made to him at this time to enter the ministry of the Church of England.--J. G. H.