Chapter VI: Front Matter (6)

By this romantic sense of things, all the natural relations and duties of life are forgotten, and our female part of mankind are bred and treated, as if they were designed to inhabit the happy fields of Arcadia, rather than be wives and mothers in old England. It is indeed long since I had the happiness to converse familiarly with this sex, and therefore have been fearful of falling into the error which recluse men are very subject to, that of giving false representations of the world from which they have retired, by imaginary schemes drawn from their own reflections. An old man cannot easily gain admittance into the dressing-room of ladies; I therefore thought it time well spent, to turn over Agrippa, and use all my occult art, to give my old cornelian ring the same force with that of Gyges, which I have lately spoken of.[123] By the help of this, I went unobserved to a friend's house of mine, and followed the chamber-maid invisibly about twelve of the clock into the bed-chamber of the beauteous Flavia, his fine daughter, just before she got up.

I drew the curtains, and being wrapped up in the safety of my old age, could with much pleasure, without passion, behold her sleeping with Waller's poems, and a letter fixed in that part of him, where every woman thinks herself described. The light flashing upon her face, awakened her: she opened her eyes, and her lips too, repeating that piece of false wit in that admired poet:

_Such Helen was, and who can blame the boy,
That in so bright a flame consumed his Troy?_[124]

This she pronounced with a most bewitching sweetness; but after it fetched a sigh, that methought had more desire than languishment, then took out her letter, and read aloud, for the pleasure, I suppose, of hearing soft words in praise of herself, the following epistle:

"MADAM,

"I sat near you at the Opera last night; but knew no entertainment
from the vain show and noise about me, while I waited wholly intent
upon the motion of your bright eyes, in hopes of a glance, that
might restore me to the pleasures of sight and hearing in the midst
of beauty and harmony. It is said, the hell of the accursed in the
next life arises from an incapacity to partake the joys of the
blessed, though they were to be admitted to them. Such I am sure
was my condition all this evening; and if you, my deity, cannot
have so much mercy as to make me by your influence capable of
tasting the satisfactions of life, my being is ended, which
consisted only in your favour."

The letter was hardly read over, when she rushed out of bed in her wrapping-gown, and consulted her glass for the truth of his passion. She raised her head, and turned it to a profile, repeating the last lines, "my being is ended, which consisted only in your favour." The goddess immediately called her maid, and fell to dressing that mischievous face of hers, without any manner of consideration for the mortal who had offered up his petition. Nay, it was so far otherwise, that the whole time of her woman's combing her hair was spent in discourse of the impertinence of his passion, and ended, in declaring a resolution, if she ever had him, to make him wait. She also frankly told the favourite gipsy that was prating to her, that her passionate lover had put it out of her power to be civil to him, if she were inclined to it; "for," said she, "if I am thus celestial to my lover, he will certainly so far think himself disappointed, as I grow into the familiarity and form of a mortal woman."

I came away as I went in, without staying for other remarks than what confirmed me in the opinion, that it is from the notions the men inspire them with, that the women are so fantastical in the value of themselves. This imaginary pre-eminence which is given to the fair sex, is not only formed from the addresses of people of condition; but it is the fashion and humour of all orders to go regularly out of their wits, as soon as they begin to make love. I know at this time three goddesses in the New Exchange;[125] and there are two shepherdesses who sell gloves in Westminster Hall.[126]

[Footnote 123: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 124: "Under a Lady's Picture" (Waller's Poems: "Epigrams, Epitaphs," &c.).]

[Footnote 125: See No. 26.]

[Footnote 126: See No. 145. Part of Westminster Hall was devoted to shopkeepers' stalls, where toys, books, &c., could be brought. Tom Brown ("Amusements," &c. 1700) says: "On your left hand you hear a nimble-tongued painted sempstress with her charming treble invite you to buy some of her knick-knacks, and on your right a deep-mouthed crier, commanding impossibilities, viz., silence to be kept among women and lawyers."]

No. 140. [STEELE.

From _Tuesday, Feb. 28_, to _Thursday, March 2, 1709-10_.

----Aliena negotia centum
Per caput, et circa saliunt latus--
HOR., 2 Sat. vi. 33.

* * * * *

_Sheer Lane, March 1._

Having the honour to be by my great-grandmother a Welshman, I have been among some choice spirits of that part of Great Britain, where we solaced ourselves in celebration of the day of St. David. I am, I confess, elevated above that state of mind which is proper for lucubration: but I am the less concerned at this, because I have for this day or two last past observed, that we novelists have been condemned wholly to the pastry-cooks, the eyes of the nation being turned upon greater matters.[127] This therefore being a time when none but my immediate correspondents will read me, I shall speak to them chiefly at this present writing. It is the fate of us who pretend to joke, to be frequently understood to be only upon the droll when we are speaking the most seriously, as appears by the following letter to Charles Lillie:

"MR. LILLIE, "London, _February 28, 1709/10_.

"It being professed by 'Squire Bickerstaff, that his intention is
to expose the vices and follies of the age, and to promote virtue
and goodwill amongst mankind; it must be a comfort, to a person
labouring under great straits and difficulties, to read anything
that has the appearance of succour. I should be glad to know
therefore, whether the intelligence given in his _Tatler_ of
Saturday last,[128] of the intended charity of a certain citizen of
London, to maintain the education of ten boys in writing and
accounts till they be fit for trade, be given only to encourage and
recommend persons to the practice of such noble and charitable
designs, or whether there be a person who really intends to do so.
If the latter, I humbly beg Squire Bickerstaff's pardon for making
a doubt, and impute it to my ignorance; and most humbly crave, that
he would be pleased to give notice in his _Tatler_, when he thinks
fit, whether his nomination of ten boys be disposed of, or whether
there be room for two boys to be recommended to him; and that he
will permit the writer of this to present him with two boys, who,
it is humbly presumed, will be judged to be very remarkable objects
of such charity.

"Sir,
"Your most humble Servant."

I am to tell this gentleman in sober sadness, and without jest, that there really is so good and charitable a man as the benefactor inquired for in his letter, and that there are but two boys yet named. The father of one of them was killed at Blenheim, the father of the other at Almanza. I do not here give the names of the children, because I should take it to be an insolence in me to publish them, in a charity which I have only the direction of as a servant, to that worthy and generous spirit who bestows upon them this bounty, without laying the bondage of an obligation. What I have to do is to tell them, they are beholden only to their Maker, to kill in them as they grow up the false shame of poverty, and let them know, that their present fortune, which is come upon them by the loss of their poor fathers on so glorious occasions, is much more honourable, than the inheritance of the most ample ill-gotten wealth.

The next letter which lies before me is from a man of sense, who strengthens his own authority with that of Tully, in persuading me to what he very justly believes one cannot be averse:

"MR. BICKERSTAFF, "London, _Feb. 27, 1709_.

"I am so confident of your inclination to promote anything that is
for the advancement of liberal arts, that I lay before you the
following translation of a paragraph in Cicero's oration in defence
of Archias the poet, as an incentive to the agreeable and
instructive reading of the writings of the Augustan age. Most vices
and follies proceed from a man's incapacity of entertaining
himself, and we are generally fools in company, because we dare not
be wise alone. I hope, on some future occasions, you will find this
no barren hint. Tully, after having said very handsome things of
his client, commends the arts of which he was master as follows:

"'If so much profit be not reaped in the study of letters, and if
pleasure only be found; yet, in my opinion, this relaxation of the
mind should be esteemed most humane and ingenuous. Other things are
not for all ages, places and seasons. These studies form youth,
delight old age, adorn prosperity, and soften, and even remove
adversity, entertain at home, are no hindrance abroad; don't leave
us at night, and keep us company on the road and in the country.' I
am,

"Your humble Servant,
"STREPHON."

The following epistle seems to want the quickest despatch, because a lady is every moment offended till it is answered; which is best done by letting the offender see in her own letter how tender she is of calling him so:

"SIR,

"This comes from a relation of yours, though unknown to you, who,
besides the tie of consanguinity, has some value for you on the
account of your lucubrations, those being designed to refine our
conversation, as well as cultivate our minds. I humbly beg the
favour of you, in one of your _Tatlers_ (after what manner you
please), to correct a particular friend of mine, for an indecorum
he is guilty of in discourse, of calling his acquaintance, when he
speaks of them, 'Madam': as for example, my cousin Jenny Distaff,
'Madam Distaff'; which I am sure you are sensible is very unpolite,
and 'tis what makes me often uneasy for him, though I cannot tell
him of it myself, which makes me guilty of this presumption, that I
depend upon your goodness to excuse; and I do assure you, the
gentleman will mind your reprehension, for he is, as I am,

"Sir,
"Your most humble
"Servant and Cousin,
"DOROTHY DRUMSTICK.

"I write this in a thin under-petticoat,[129] and never did or will
wear a farthingale."

I had no sooner read the just complaint of Mrs. Drumstick, but I received an urgent one from another of the fair sex, upon faults of more pernicious consequence:

"MR. BICKERSTAFF,

"Observing that you are entered into a correspondence with
Pasquin,[130] who is, I suppose, a Roman Catholic, I beg of you to
forbear giving him any account of our religion, or manners, till
you have rooted out certain misbehaviours even in our churches;
among others, that of bowing, saluting, taking snuff, and other
gestures. Lady Autumn made me a very low curtsy the other day from
the next pew, and, with the most courtly air imaginable, called
herself 'Miserable sinner.' Her niece soon after, in saying,
'Forgive us our trespasses,' curtsied with a gloating look at my
brother. He returned it, opening his snuff-box and repeating yet a
more solemn expression. I beg of you, good Mr. Censor, not to tell
Pasquin anything of this kind, and to believe this does not come
from one of a morose temper, mean birth, rigid education, narrow
fortune, or bigotry in opinion, or from one in whom Time had worn
out all taste of pleasure. I assure you, it is far otherwise, for I
am possessed of all the contrary advantages; and hope, wealth, good
humour, and good breeding, may be best employed in the service of
religion and virtue; and desire you would, as soon as possible,
remark upon the above-mentioned indecorums, that we may not longer
transgress against the latter, to preserve our reputation in the
former.

"Your humble Servant,
"LYDIA."

The last letter I shall insert is what follows. This is written by a very inquisitive lady; and I think, such interrogative gentlewomen are to be answered no other way than by interrogation. Her billet is this:

"DEAR MR. BICKERSTAFF,

"Are you quite as good as you seem to be?

"CHLOE."

To which I can only answer:

"DEAR CHLOE,

"Are you quite as ignorant as you seem to be?

"I. B."

[Footnote 127: The trial of Dr. Sacheverell, which extended from February 27 to March 23, 1710. A Tory pamphlet, "A Letter to the Rev. Dr. Henry Sacheverell, by Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.," 1709, appeared in January 1710. Another pamphlet was called "The Character of Don Sacheverello, Knight of the Firebrand, in a Letter to Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great Britain."]

[Footnote 128: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 129: See No. 136.]

[Footnote 130: See No. 129.]

No. 141. [STEELE.

From _Thursday, March 2_, to _Saturday, March 4, 1709-10_.

* * * * *

_Sheer Lane, March 3._

While the attention of the town is drawn aside from the reading us writers of news, we all save ourselves against it is at more leisure. As for my own part, I shall still let the labouring oar be managed by my correspondents, and fill my paper with their sentiments, rather than my own, till I find my readers more disengaged than they are at present.[131] When I came home this evening, I found several letters and petitions, which I shall insert with no other order, than as I accidentally opened them, as follows:

"SIR, _March 1, 1709-10._

"Having a daughter about nine years of age, I would endeavour she
might have education; I mean such as may be useful, as working
well, and a good deportment. In order to it, I am persuaded to
place her at some boarding-school, situate in a good air. My wife
opposes it, and gives for her greatest reason, that she is too much
a woman, and understands the formalities of visiting and a
tea-table so very nicely, that none, though much older, can exceed
her; and with all these perfections, the girl can scarce thread a
needle: but however, after several arguments, we have agreed to be
decided by your judgment; and knowing your abilities, shall manage
our daughter exactly as you shall please to direct. I am serious in
my request, and hope you will be so in your answer, which will lay
a deep obligation upon,

"Sir,
"Your humble Servant,
"T. T.

"Sir, pray answer it in your _Tatler_, that it may be serviceable
to the public."

I am as serious on this subject as my correspondent can be, and am of opinion, that the great happiness or misfortune of mankind depends upon the manner of educating and treating that sex. I have lately said, I design to turn my thoughts more particularly to them and their service: I beg therefore a little time to give my opinion on so important a subject, and desire the young lady may fill tea one week longer, till I have considered whether she shall be removed or not.[132]

"Chancery Lane, _February 27, 1709_.
"MR. BICKERSTAFF,

"Your notice in the advertisement in your _Tatler_ of Saturday
last[133] about 'whetters' in and about the Royal Exchange, is
mightily taken notice of by gentlemen who use the coffee-houses
near the Chancery office in Chancery Lane; and there being a
particular certain set of both young and old gentlemen that belong
to and near adjoining to the Chancery office, both in Chancery Lane
and Bell Yard, that are not only 'whetters' all the morning long,
but very musically given about twelve at night the same days, and
mightily taken with the union of the dulcimer, violin, and song; at
which recreation they rejoice together with perfect harmony,
however their clients disagree: you are humbly desired by several
gentlemen to give some regulation concerning them; in which you
will contribute to the repose of us, who are

"Your very humble Servants,
"L. T., N. F., T. W."

These "whetters" are a people I have considered with much pains, and find them to differ from a sect I have heretofore spoken of, called "snuff-takers,"[134] only in the expedition they take in destroying their brains: the "whetter" is obliged to refresh himself every moment with a liquor, as the "snuff-taker" with a powder. As for their harmony in the evening, I have nothing to object, provided they remove to Wapping or the Bridge-Foot,[135] where it is not to be supposed that their vociferations will annoy the studious, the busy, or the contemplative. I once had lodgings in Gray's Inn, where we had two hard students, who learned to play upon the hautboy; and I had a couple of chamber fellows over my head not less diligent in the practice of backsword and single-rapier. I remember these gentlemen were assigned by the benchers the two houses at the end of the Terrace Walk, as the only places fit for their meditations. Such students as will let none improve but themselves, ought indeed to have their proper distances from societies.

The gentlemen of loud mirth above mentioned I take to be, in the quality of their crime, the same as eavesdroppers; for they who will be in your company whether you will or no, are to as great a degree offenders, as they who hearken to what passes without being of your company at all. The ancient punishment for the latter, when I first came to this town, was the blanket, which I humbly conceive may be as justly applied to him that bawls, as to him that listens. It is therefore provided for the future, that (except in the Long Vacation) no retainers to the law, with dulcimer, violin, or any other instrument, in any tavern within a furlong of an inn of court, shall sing any tune, or pretended tune whatsoever, upon pain of the blanket, to be administered according to the discretion of all such peaceable people as shall be within the annoyance. And it is further directed, that all clerks who shall offend in this kind shall forfeit their indentures, and be turned over as assistants to the clerks of parishes within the bills of mortality, who are hereby empowered to demand them accordingly.

* * * * *

I am not to omit the receipt of the following letter, with a nightcap, from my valentine;[136] which nightcap I find was finished in the year 1588, and is too finely wrought to be of any modern stitching. Its antiquity will better appear by my valentine's own words:

"SIR,

"Since you are pleased to accept of so mean a present as a nightcap
from your valentine, I have sent you one, which I do assure you has
been very much esteemed of in our family; for my
great-grandmother's daughter who worked it, was maid of honour to
Queen Elizabeth, and had the misfortune to lose her life by
pricking her finger in the making of it, of which she bled to
death, as her tomb now at Westminster will show: for which reason,
myself, nor none of my family, have loved work ever since;
otherwise you should have had one as you desired, made by the hands
of,

"Sir,
"Your affectionate
"VALENTINE."

"_To the Right Worshipful Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great
Britain, and Governor of the Hospital erected, or to be erected, in
Moorfields._

"The petition of the inhabitants of the parish of Goatham in the
county of Middlesex;

"HUMBLY SHEWETH,

"That whereas 'tis the undoubted right of your said petitioners to
repair on every Lord's Day to a chapel of ease in the said parish,
there to be instructed in their duties in the known or vulgar
tongue; yet so it is (may it please your Worship) that the preacher
of the said chapel has of late given himself wholly up to matters
of controversy, in no wise tending to the edification of your said
petitioners; and in handling (as he calls it) the same, has used
divers hard and crabbed words; such as, among many others, are
'orthodox' and 'heterodox,' which are in no sort understood by your
said petitioners; and it is with grief of heart that your
petitioners beg leave to represent to you, that in mentioning the
aforesaid words or names (the latter of which, as we have reason to
believe, is his deadly enemy), he will fall into ravings and
foamings, ill-becoming the meekness of his office, and tending to
give offence and scandal to all good people.

"Your petitioners further say, that they are ready to prove the
aforesaid allegations; and therefore humbly hope, that from a true
sense of their condition, you will please to receive the said
preacher into the hospital, until he shall recover a right use of
his senses.

"And your petitioners," &c.

[Footnote 131: The whole attention of the town in March 1710 was devoted to the Sacheverell trial. See Nos. 140, 142, 157.]

[Footnote 132: See No. 145.]

[Footnote 133: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 134: See No. 35.]

[Footnote 135: The foot of London Bridge. There was a tavern, famous in the seventeenth century, called "The Bear at the Bridge-foot," below London Bridge.]

[Footnote 136: See No. 137.]

No. 142. [STEELE.

From _Saturday, March 4_, to _Tuesday, March 7, 1709-10_.

* * * * *

_Sheer Lane, March 6._

All persons who employ themselves in public, are still interrupted in the course of their affairs: and it seems, the admired Cavalier Nicolini himself is commanded by the ladies, who at present employ their time with great assiduity in the care of the nation, to put off his day till he shall receive their commands, and notice that they are at leisure for diversions.[137] In the meantime it is not to be expressed, how many cold chickens the fair ones have eaten since this day sennight for the good of their country. This great occasion has given birth to many discoveries of high moment for the conduct of life. There is a toast of my acquaintance told me, she had now found out, that it was day before nine in the morning;[138] and I am very confident, if the affair holds many days longer, the ancient hours of eating will be revived among us, many having by it been made acquainted with the luxury of hunger and thirst.

There appears, methinks, something very venerable in all assemblies: and I must confess, I envied all who had youth and health enough to make their appearance there, that they had the happiness of being a whole day in the best company in the world. During the adjournment of that awful court, a neighbour of mine was telling me, that it gave him a notion of the ancient grandeur of the English hospitality, to see Westminster Hall a dining-room.[139] There is a cheerfulness at such repasts, which is very delightful to tempers which are so happy as to be clear of spleen and vapour; for to the jovial to see others pleased, is the greatest of all pleasures.

But since age and infirmities forbid my appearance at such public places, the next happiness is to make the best use of privacy, and acquit myself of the demands of my correspondents. The following letter is what has given me no small inquietude, it being an accusation of partiality, and disregard to merit, in the person of a virtuoso, who is the most eloquent of all men upon small occasions, and is the more to be admired for his prodigious fertility of invention, which never appears but upon subjects which others would have thought barren. But in consideration of his uncommon talents, I am contented to let him be the hero of my next two days, by inserting his friends' recommendation of him at large:

"DEAR COUSIN, "Nando's,[140] _Feb. 28, 1709_.

"I am just come out of the country, and upon perusing your late
Lucubrations, I find Charles Lillie to be the darling of your
affections, that you have given him a place, and taken no small
pains to establish him in the world; and at the same time have
passed by his namesake[141] at this end of the town, as if he was a
citizen defunct, and one of no use in a commonwealth. I must own,
his circumstances are so good, and so well known, that he does not
stand in need of having his fame published to the world; but being
of an ambitious spirit, and an aspiring soul, he would be rather
proud of the honour, than desirous of the profit, which might
result from your recommendation. He is a person of a particular
genius, the first that brought toys in fashion, and baubles to
perfection. He is admirably well versed in screws, springs, and
hinges, and deeply read in knives, combs or scissors, buttons or
buckles. He is a perfect master of words, which, uttered with a
smooth voluble tongue, flow into a most persuasive eloquence;
insomuch that I have known a gentleman of distinction find several
ingenious faults with a toy of his, and show his utmost dislike to
it, as being either useless, or ill-contrived; but when the orator
behind the counter had harangued upon it for an hour and a half,
displayed its hidden beauties, and revealed its secret
perfections, he has wondered how he had been able to spend so great
a part of his life without so important an utensil. I won't pretend
to furnish out an inventory of all the valuable commodities that
are to be found at his shop.

"I shall content myself with giving an account of what I think most
curious. Imprimis, his pocket-books are very neat, and well
contrived, not for keeping bank bills or goldsmiths' notes,[142] I
confess; but they are admirable for registering the lodgings of
Madonnas, and for preserving letters from ladies of quality: his
whips and spurs are so nice, that they'll make one that buys them
ride a fox-hunting, though before he hated noise and early rising,
and was afraid of breaking his neck. His seals are curiously
fancied, and exquisitely well cut, and of great use to encourage
young gentlemen to write a good hand. Ned Puzzlepost had been
ill-used by his writing-master, and writ a sort of a Chinese, or
downright scrawlian: however, upon his buying a seal of my friend,
he is so much improved by continual writing, that it is believed in
a short time one may be able to read his letters, and find out his
meaning, without guessing. His pistols and fusees are so very good,
that they are fit to be laid up among the finest china. Then his
tweezer-cases are incomparable: you shall have one not much bigger
than your finger, with seventeen several instruments in it, all
necessary every hour of the day, during the whole course of a man's
life. But if this virtuoso excels in one thing more than another,
it is in canes; he has spent his most select hours in the knowledge
of them, and is arrived at that perfection, that he is able to hold
forth upon canes longer than upon any one subject in the world.
Indeed his canes are so finely clouded, and so well made up, either
with gold or amber heads, that I am of the opinion it is impossible
for a gentleman to walk, talk, sit or stand as he should do,
without one of them. He knows the value of a cane, by knowing the
value of the buyer's estate. Sir Timothy Shallow has two thousand
pounds per annum, and Tom Empty one. They both at several times
bought a cane of Charles: Sir Timothy's cost ten guineas, and Tom
Empty's five. Upon comparing them, they were perfectly alike. Sir
Timothy surprised there should be no difference in the canes, and
so much in the price, comes to Charles. 'Damn it, Charles,' says
he, 'you have sold me a cane here for ten pieces, and the very same
to Tom Empty for five.' 'Lord, Sir Timothy,' says Charles, 'I am
concerned that you, whom I took to understand canes better than any
baronet in town, should be so overseen;[143] why, Sir Timothy,
yours is a true jambee, and Squire Empty's only a plain
dragon.'[144]

"This virtuoso has a parcel of jambees now growing in the East
Indies, where he keeps a man on purpose to look after them, which
will be the finest that ever landed in Great Britain, and will be
fit to cut about two years hence. Any gentleman may subscribe for
as many as he pleases. Subscriptions will be taken in at his shop
at ten guineas each joint. They that subscribe for six, shall have
a dragon gratis. This is all I have to say at present concerning
Charles' curiosities; and hope it may be sufficient to prevail
with you to take him into your consideration, which if you comply
with, you will oblige,

"Your humble Servant.

"N.B. Whereas there came out last term several gold snuff-boxes and
others: this is to give notice, that Charles[145] will put out a
new edition on Saturday next, which will be the only one in fashion
till after Easter. The gentleman that gave fifty pounds for the box
set with diamonds, may show it till Sunday night, provided he goes
to church; but not after that time, there being one to be published
on Monday which will cost fourscore guineas."

[Footnote 137: See No. 137. In No. 140 there was the following advertisement: "At the request of all the ladies of quality, who are at present engaged in politics, the benefit night for Cavalier Nicolini is put off to Tuesday the 7th instant."]

[Footnote 138: Cf. "Wentworth Papers," p. 113. "Sacheverell will make all the Ladys good huswis, they goe att seven every mornin'," says Lady Wentworth.]

[Footnote 139: The spectators brought their lunch with them.]

[Footnote 140: A coffee-house in Fleet Street, at the east corner of Inner Temple Lane.]

[Footnote 141: Charles Mather, the toyman (see Nos. 27, 113).]

[Footnote 142: Goldsmiths' receipts for coin lodged with them as bankers were sometimes transferred from hand to hand, but this was always limited to a few merchants.]

[Footnote 143: Deceived.]

[Footnote 144: A dragon is a small malacca cane, so called from its blood-red colour. It comes from Penang, Singapore, and other islands in the Straits of Malacca. A jambee, on the contrary, is a knotty bamboo of a pale brown hue. As an article of commerce it is now extinct. The "clouded cane" of Sir Plume was a large malacca artificially coloured (Dobson).]

[Footnote 145: Charles Mather.]

No. 143. [STEELE.

From _Tuesday, March 7_, to _Thursday, March 9, 1709-10_.

* * * * *

_Sheer Lane, March 8._

I was this afternoon surprised with a visit from my sister Jenny, after an absence of some time. She had, methought, in her manner and air, something that was a little below that of the women of first breeding and quality, but at the same time above the simplicity and familiarity of her usual deportment. As soon as she was seated, she began to talk to me of the odd place I lived in, and begged of me to remove out of the lane where I have been so long acquainted; "for," said she, "it does so spoil one's horses, that I must beg your pardon if you see me much seldomer, when I am to make so great a journey with a single pair, and make visits and get home the same night." I understood her pretty well, but would not; therefore desired her to pay off her coach, for I had a great deal to talk to her. She very pertly told me, she came in her own chariot. "Why," said I, "is your husband in town? And has he set up an equipage?" "No," answered she, "but I have received L500 by his order; and his letters, which came at the same time, bade me want for nothing that was necessary." I was heartily concerned at her folly, whose affairs render her but just able to bear such an expense. However I considered, that according to the British custom of treating women, there is no other method to be used in removing any of their faults and errors, but conducting their minds from one humour to another, with as much ceremony as we lead their persons from one place to another. I therefore dissembled my concern, and in compliance with her, as a lady that was to use her feet no more, I begged of her, after a short visit, to let me persuade her not to stay out till it was late, for fear of catching cold as she went into her coach in the dampness of the evening. The Malapert knew well enough I laughed at her, but was not ill-pleased with the certainty of her power over her husband, who, she knew, would support her in any humour he was able, rather than pass through the torment of an expostulation, to gainsay anything she had a mind to. As soon as my fine lady was gone, I writ the following letter to my brother:

"DEAR BROTHER,

"I am at present under very much concern at the splendid appearance
I saw my sister make in an equipage which she has set up in your
absence. I beg of you not to indulge her in this vanity; and desire
you to consider, the world is so whimsical, that though it will
value you for being happy, it will hate you for appearing so. The
possession of wisdom and virtue (the only solid distinctions of
life) is allowed much more easily than that of wealth and quality.
Besides which, I must entreat you to weigh with yourself, what it
is that people aim at in setting themselves out to show in gay
equipages, and moderate fortunes. You are not by this means a
better man than your neighbour is; but your horses are better than
his are. And will you suffer care and inquietude, to have it said
as you pass by, 'Those are very pretty punch nags!'[146] Nay, when
you have arrived at this, there are a hundred worthless fellows who
are still four horses happier than you are. Remember, dear brother,
there is a certain modesty in the enjoyment of moderate wealth,
which to transgress, exposes men to the utmost derision; and as
there is nothing but meanness of spirit can move a man to value
himself upon what can be purchased with money, so he that shows an
ambition that way, and cannot arrive at it, is more emphatically
guilty of that meanness. I give you only my first thoughts on this
occasion, but shall, as I am a censor, entertain you in my next
with my sentiments in general upon the subject of equipage; and
show, that though there are no sumptuary laws amongst us, reason
and good sense are equally binding, and will ever prevail in
appointing approbation or dislike in all matters of an indifferent
nature, when they are pursued with earnestness. I am,

"Sir," &c.

ADVERTISEMENTS.

To all Gentlemen, Ladies, and others, that delight in soft lines.

These are to give notice, that the proper time of the year for writing pastorals now drawing near, there is a stage-coach settled from the One Bell in the Strand to Dorchester, which sets out twice a week, and passes through Basingstoke, Sutton, Stockbridge, Salisbury, Blandford, and so to Dorchester, over the finest downs in England. At all which places, there are accommodations of spreading beeches, beds of flowers, turf seats, and purling streams, for happy swains; and thunderstruck oaks, and left-handed ravens, to foretell misfortunes to those that please to be wretched; with all other necessaries for pensive passion.

And for the convenience of such whose affairs will not permit them to leave this town, at the same place they may be furnished, during the season, with opening buds, flowering thyme, warbling birds, sporting lambkins, and fountain water, right and good, and bottled on the spot, by one sent down on purpose.

* * * * *

N.B. The nymphs and swains are further given to understand, that in those happy climes, they are so far from being troubled with wolves, that for want of even foxes, a considerable pack of hounds have been lately forced to eat sheep.

* * * * *

Whereas on the 6th instant at midnight, several persons of light honour and loose mirth, having taken upon them in the shape of men, but with the voice of the players belonging to Mr. Powell's[147] company, to call up surgeons at midnight, and send physicians to persons in sound sleep, and perfect health: this is to certify, that Mr. Powell had locked up the legs of all his company for fear of mischief that night; and that Mr. Powell will not pay for any damages done by the said persons. It is also further advised, that there were no midwives wanted when those persons called them up in the several parts of Westminster; but that those gentlewomen who were in the company of the said impostors, may take care to call such useful persons on the 6th of December next.

* * * * *

The Censor having observed, that there are fine wrought ladies' shoes and slippers put out to view at a great shoemaker's shop towards St. James's end of Pall Mall, which create irregular thoughts and desires in the youth of this nation; the said shopkeeper is required to take in those eyesores, or show cause the next court-day why he continues to expose the same; and he is required to be prepared particularly to answer to the slippers with green lace and blue heels.

* * * * *

It is impossible for me to return the obliging things Mr. Joshua Barnes[148] has said to me upon the account of our mutual friend Homer. He and I have read him now forty years with some understanding, and great admiration. A work to be produced by one who has enjoyed so great an intimacy with an author, is certainly to be valued more than any comment made by persons of yesterday: therefore, according to my friend Joshua's request, I recommend his[149] work; and having used a little magic in the case, I give this recommendation by way of amulet or charm, against the malignity of envious backbiters, who speak evil of performances whereof themselves were never capable. If I may use my friend Joshua's own words, I shall at present say no more, but that we, Homer's oldest acquaintance now living, know best his ways; and can inform the world, that they are often mistaken when they think he is in lethargic fits, which we know he was never subject to; and shall make appear to be rank scandal and envy that of the Latin poet:

"_----Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus._"[150]

[Footnote 146: A punch nag is a horse well set and well knit, having a short back and thin shoulders, with a broad neck, and well lined with flesh ("Farrier's Dictionary").]

[Footnote 147: The puppet-show man.]

[Footnote 148: "The learned and ingenious Mr. Joshua Barnes has lately writ an eulogium (after the manner of learned men to each other) upon me; and after having made me his compliments in the behalf of his beloved Homer, and thanked me for the justice I have done him, in the 'Table of Fame,' has desired me to recommend the following advertisement: 'Whereas Mr. Joshua Barnes, B.D., her Majesty's Greek professor in the University of Cambridge, hath some time since published proposals for printing a new and accurate edition of all Homer's "Works," enlarged, corrected, and amended, by the help of ancient MSS. the best editions, scholiographers, &c.: These are to certify, that the "Iliad" and "Odyssey" are now both actually printed off, only a small part of the hymns, other poems, and fragments remaining, with the indexes, Life of Homer, and Prolegomena, which are carried on with all possible expedition. All gentlemen therefore, scholars and masters of great schools, that are willing to reap the benefit of subscription, being ten shillings down, and on the delivery of the two volumes in sheets twenty shillings more, are desired to make their first payment to the said Mr. Barnes, now lodging at the printing house at Cambridge, before the end of March; after which time no more single subscriptions to be admitted'" (_Tatler_, orig. folio, No. 139). Joshua Barnes (1654-1712), Greek scholar and antiquary, was educated at Christ's Hospital and Emanuel College, Cambridge. He was appointed professor of Greek at Cambridge in 1695. The expenses incurred in the production of his "Homer" involved him in considerable difficulties. Bentley paid a doubtful compliment to Barnes when he said that Barnes knew as much Greek as a Greek cobbler. See the _Spectator_, No. 245.]

[Footnote 149: Mr. Joshua Barnes' new and accurate edition of all Homer's Works, &c. (Steele).]

[Footnote 150: Horace, "Ars Poet." 359 ("Quandoque bonus," &c.).]

No. 144. [STEELE.

From _Thursday, March 9_, to _Saturday, March 11, 1709-10_.

* * * * *

_Sheer Lane, March 10._

In a nation of liberty, there is hardly a person in the whole mass of the people more absolutely necessary than a censor. It is allowed, that I have no authority for assuming this important appellation, and that I am censor of these nations, just as one is chosen king at the game of questions and commands:[151] but if, in the execution of this fantastical dignity, I observe upon things which do not fall within the cognisance of real authority, I hope it will be granted, that an idle man could not be more usefully employed. Among all the irregularities of which I have taken notice, I know none so proper to be presented to the world by a censor, as that of the general expense and affectation in equipage. I have lately hinted, that this extravagance must necessarily get footing where we have no sumptuary laws, and where every man may be dressed, attended, and carried, in what manner he pleases. But my tenderness to my fellow subjects will not permit me to let this enormity go unobserved.

As the matter now stands, every man takes it in his head, that he has a liberty to spend his money as he pleases. Thus, in spite of all order, justice, and decorum, we the greater number of the Queen's loyal subjects, for no reason in the world but because we want money, do not share alike in the division of her Majesty's high-road. The horses and slaves of the rich take up the whole street, while we peripatetics are very glad to watch an opportunity to whisk across a passage, very thankful that we are not run over for interrupting the machine, that carries in it a person neither more handsome, wise, nor valiant than the meanest of us. For this reason, were I to propose a tax, it should certainly be upon coaches and chairs: for no man living can assign a reason why one man should have half a street to carry him at his ease, and perhaps only in pursuit of pleasures, when as good a man as himself wants room for his own person to pass upon the most necessary and urgent occasion. Till such an acknowledgment is made to the public, I shall take upon me to vest certain rights in the scavengers of the cities of London and Westminster, to take the horses and servants of all such as do not become or deserve such distinctions into their peculiar custody. The offenders themselves I shall allow safe conduct to their places of abode in the carts of the said scavengers, but their horses shall be mounted by their footmen, and sent into the service abroad: and I take this opportunity in the first place to recruit the regiment of my good old friend the brave and honest Sylvius,[152] that they be as well taught as they are fed. It is to me most miraculous, so unreasonable an usurpation as this I am speaking of should so long have been tolerated. We hang a poor fellow for taking any trifle from us on the road, and bear with the rich for robbing us of the road itself. Such a tax as this would be of great satisfaction to us who walk on foot; and since the distinction of riding in a coach is not to be appointed according to a man's merit or service to their country, nor that liberty given as a reward for some eminent virtue, we should be highly contented to see them pay something for the insult they do us in the state they take upon them while they are drawn by us.

Till they have made us some reparation of this kind, we the peripatetics of Great Britain cannot think ourselves well treated, while every one that is able is allowed to set up an equipage.

As for my part, I cannot but admire how persons, conscious to themselves of no manner of superiority above others, can out of mere pride or laziness expose themselves at this rate to public view, and put us all upon pronouncing those three terrible syllables, Who is that? When it comes to that question, our method is to consider the mien and air of the passenger, and comfort ourselves for being dirty to the ankles, by laughing at his figure and appearance who overlooks us. I must confess, were it not for the solid injustice of the thing, there is nothing could afford a discerning eye greater occasion for mirth, than this licentious huddle of qualities and characters in the equipages about this town. The overseers of the highway and constables have so little skill or power to rectify this matter, that you may often see the equipage of a fellow whom all the town knows to deserve hanging, make a stop that shall interrupt the Lord High Chancellor and all the judges on their way to Westminster.

For the better understanding of things and persons in this general confusion, I have given directions to all the coachmakers and coach-painters in town, to bring me in lists of their several customers; and doubt not, but with comparing the orders of each man, in the placing his arms on the doors of his chariot, as well as the words, devices and ciphers to be fixed upon them, to make a collection which shall let us into the nature, if not the history, of mankind, more usefully than the curiosities of any medallist in Europe.

But this evil of vanity in our figure, with many, many others, proceeds from a certain gaiety of heart, which has crept into men's very thoughts and complexions. The passions and adventures of heroes, when they enter the lists for the tournament in romances, are not more easily distinguishable by their palfreys and their armour, than the secret springs and affections of the several pretenders to show amongst us are known by their equipages in ordinary life. The young bridegroom with his gilded cupids, and winged angels, has some excuse in the joy of his heart to launch out into something that may be significant of his present happiness: but to see men, for no reason upon earth but that they are rich, ascend triumphant chariots, and ride through the people, has at the bottom nothing else in it but an insolent transport, arising only from the distinction of fortune.

It is therefore high time that I call in such coaches as are in their embellishments improper for the character of their owners. But if I find I am not obeyed herein, and that I cannot pull down these equipages already erected, I shall take upon me to prevent the growth of this evil for the future, by inquiring into the pretensions of the persons who shall hereafter attempt to make public entries with ornaments and decorations of his own appointment. If a man, who believed he had the handsomest leg in this kingdom, should take a fancy to adorn so deserving a limb with a blue garter, he would justly be punished for offending against the most noble order: and, I think, the general prostitution of equipage and retinue is as destructive to all distinction, as the impertinence of one man, if permitted, would certainly be to that illustrious fraternity.

ADVERTISEMENT.

The Censor having lately received intelligence, that the ancient simplicity in the dress and manners of that part of this island, called Scotland, begins to decay; and that there are at this time in the good town of Edinburgh, beaus, fops, and coxcombs: his late correspondent[153] from that place is desired to send up their names and characters with all expedition, that they may be proceeded against accordingly, and proper officers named to take in their canes, snuff-boxes, and all other useless necessaries commonly worn by such offenders.

[Footnote 151: Cf. Steele's "Lover," No. 13: "I might have been a king at questions and commands." This game is mentioned several times in the _Spectator_.]

[Footnote 152: General Cornelius Wood, son of the Rev. Seth Wood, was born in 1636. He served for four years as a private soldier, before he was advanced to be a sub-brigadier; after which his rise was rapid, owing entirely to his signal valour, his strict justice, and extensive humanity. The Prince of Orange, on his accession to the throne, gave him a troop of horse, in the regiment commanded by George Lord Huet; he was made a colonel of horse in 1693; and a brigadier-general in 1702. His conduct and conversation in Ireland rendered him very acceptable to Marshal Schomberg; his valour was conspicuous at the Battle of Blenheim, after which the Duke of Marlborough declared him a major-general; it was no less signally manifested at Ramillies in 1706; the year following he was made a lieutenant-general of horse, in which post he arrived to be the eldest. In 1708, he was Governor of Ghent, and honoured by the burghers, in testimony of their singular satisfaction, with a large piece of plate, which he left as a legacy to the Duke of Ormond, to evince his gratitude for services received, and his esteem for that nobleman's illustrious character. In 1709, he gathered fresh laurels in the bloody field of Tanieres, and next year was again appointed Governor of Ghent; but in his march to that garrison, an unruly horse on which he rode, reared on end, and fell backwards upon him; his collar-bone was broken, and his stomach so bruised by this accident, that he never was well after. He languished about two years, and died at the Gravel-pits near Kensington, on the 17th of May 1712, in the 75th year of his age. He never married (Nichols). Prior, in his poem on the Battle of Blenheim, says:

"Let generous Sylvius stand for honest Wood."
]

[Footnote 153: "Osyris"; see No. 143.]

No. 145. [STEELE.

From _Saturday, March 11_, to _Tuesday, March 14, 1709-10_.

Nescio quis teneros oculus mihi fascinat agnos.
VIRG., Eclog. iii. 103.

* * * * *

_White's Chocolate-house, March 13._

This evening was allotted for taking into consideration a late request of two indulgent parents, touching the care of a young daughter, whom they design to send to a boarding-school, or keep at home, according to my determination;[154] but I am diverted from that subject by letters which I have received from several ladies, complaining of a certain sect of professed enemies to the repose of the fair sex, called Oglers. These are, it seems, gentlemen who look with deep attention on one object at the playhouses, and are ever staring all round them in churches. It is urged by my correspondents, that they do all that is possible to keep their eyes off these ensnarers; but that, by what power they know not, both their diversions and devotions are interrupted by them in such a manner, as that they cannot attend either without stealing looks at the persons whose eyes are fixed upon them. By this means, my petitioners say, they find themselves grow insensibly less offended, and in time enamoured, of these their enemies. What is required of me on this occasion, is, that as I love and study to preserve the better part of mankind, the females, I would give them some account of this dangerous way of assault, against which there is so little defence, that it lays ambush for the sight itself, and makes them seeingly, knowingly, willingly, and forcibly go on to their own captivity.