Chapter II: Part 2

Dinner was served up, when the Vintner and all his Servants were at their Stations, in close and diligent Attendance upon the Company. The Discourse turn'd chiefly upon the niggardly Dispositions of some, whom Fortune had favour'd in the same Manner, and the various Humours and Tempers of Mankind: what unaccountable Successes attended on some People, and the Misfortunes that others were visibly destin'd to. In the Evening, the Reckoning was call'd for, together with three or four peremptory Bottles: the Bill came to five Pounds; the _Master_ of the _Feast_, perusing it, excepted to one of the _Articles_, as being an exorbitant Charge; and as he said, _making a Property of Good-Nature_. All the Company join'd with much Warmth in the Complaint; upon which, he said he would go down and _give_ it the Landlord in his Bar. When he was got below Stairs, in a careless Manner, with a Pipe in his Mouth, and without his Hat; he saunter'd about for a Minute or two, and then found an Opportunity to slip away, leaving the Reck'ning to be paid by his Companions above stairs. The Master of the House had the more reason to be shock'd when he heard of the Imposture, because he had not only paid the three Guineas for the Steeple-Musick, but had lent him ten Guineas more out of his Pocket for pretended Exigencies. The Gentlemen could not afterwards pass through the Hall without being insulted; one unlucky Rogue bawling out, _What was the Reck'ning at the Tavern?_ and another answering, FIVE POUNDS _principal Money_.

We have had instances of Jurymen, who have had their Pockets pick'd when they have been sitting upon Trials of Life and Death; and whilst a Prosecutor has been giving Evidence against one Rogue, another has at that very instant robb'd him of his Snuff-Box and Handkerchief.

There are eight Sessions of _Oyer_ and _Terminer_ and Jail-Delivery usually holden in _London_ in a Year, many of which, through the great Number of Prisoners try'd, continue four or five Days successively; during which time, the _Old-Bailey-Yard_ is crouded with an idle disorderly Crew of Persons of both Sexes, who have no other Business but to obstruct those who have any unwish'd for Avocation to the Place----In one Corner stands a Circle, compos'd of, perhaps, a Baker's-Boy, a Journeyman-Shoemaker, a Butcher's-'Prentice, and a Bailiff's-Follower, telling _how it was_; By what _means such a Robber was taken_; _Who his Relations are_; One boasting of _being his near Neighbour_; and another of an intimate _Acquaintance with him_, &c.----In another, a heap of Earthen-ware Women, with Straw Hats, and their black and blue Eyes and swoln Faces, lamenting the Fate of _poor Bob_, or _Jemmy_, _hoping the L--d will deliver him out of the Hands of his Adversaries_; meaning the Laws of his Country----In a third, is a row of _Spittle-field Weavers_, with the Lice passing in Review over their Shoulders, before two or three lazy Silver-button'd Alehouse Fellows at their Elbows; near whom, are four or five old Women, shaking their Heads _at the Wickedness of the Times_, and what _a likely young Fellow pass'd just now to his Trial_, wondering _that Youth won't take warning_, &c.----A Yard farther, two or three Grenadiers together, with a red-faced Serjeant or Corporal of the Foot Guards, ready to rap a Reputation for some offending Brother. These, together with two or three Dozen of Whores and Thieves from _Rosemary-lane_ and St. _Giles's_, and a Company of idle Sailors from _Wapping_, resolve themselves into Committees of threes, fours, and fives, all over the Sessions-house-yard, and there debate on the Fates and Circumstances of the Criminals, till the latest Hour of the Court's sitting, be the Season ever so rigorous, or their Affairs at home ever so pressing. But sometimes, by the sudden and hasty turning in of a Coach, these Committees are all suspended, and squeez'd up against the Walls, or else oftentimes, through their being a little too verbose and vociferous; the Court, by their Officer upon the Leads, calls them to Peace and Order.

Nor are the Taverns, Ale-houses, and Brandy-shops in the Neighbourhood less fill'd with idle Spectators: for, besides the Prosecutors and their Witnesses, (which must necessarily attend) there are infinite Numbers of _Watch-makers_, _Barbers_, _Poulterers_, _Engravers_, and other Artizans and Handicraft Tradesmen, who have no other Business there, but to hearken to the Stories of the _Newgate_ Solicitors and their Companions, and so neglecting their Callings and Families at home, sit tippling one half Pint after another, till they become as fuddled as a _Beef-Eater_ at a _Tavern_ on a _Sunday_ Morning, and go home mightily edified with the particulars of a Trial for a Rape, or a Highway Robbery.

That Figure which the _Sextons_ of Parishes has made in the World of late Years, is an evident Token of the flourishing State of the _Worshipful Corporation_ of _Corps-stealers_. There seldom passes a Night, but we hear of some Defunct _Plebeian_ eloping out of one Church-yard or other: nor are those of _better Blood_ more secure, for all their Bolts and Barricadoes. This felonious _Commodity_, I am told, is sold by _Weight_, and that the _Purchasers_ generally consider and weigh well what they are about, before they strike a Bargain. The Corpse of a plain _Milk-Maid_ is said to fetch at least 7_d._ in the Pound more than that of a _Countess_; and, notwithstanding the highest feeding and fattening, a common _Joiner_'s has had vastly the preference of a _Major General_'s in the Market. But, however, this _Calling_ is liable to many Hazards and Losses as well as others, for oftentimes the Dealers meet with _Crosses_, which they are oblig'd, though very unwillingly, to _bear on their Backs_.

I must say something to those People who have introduced a kind of Fraud of late Years, which now and then runs through the Town like a Contagion: It is call'd _Auctioneering_, or vending various kinds of Goods by way of Cant or Auction. Soon after a Man of any Note has obtained a _Mors Janua Vitæ_ against his Wife, and publish'd it over his Door, or a Woman has done the same thing by her Husband; a Gang of People, call'd _Bughunters_, take possession of the House, by displaying their Standard, a huge rotten Carpet, and wage War against all the good Housewives in the Town. _Moor-fields_ and _Knaves-acre_ are drain'd of their Lumber, and scarce a thirtieth Part of the deceased Person's real Furniture is on the Premisses. Next, a News-paper proclaims the Goods of Lady _Good-for-nothing lately deceased_, to be sold, or rather given away to such as shall take the trouble to fetch them. All the thrifty Ladies take the Hint, and away to the place of Auction; the _Orator_, or _Mouth_ of the Sale, surrounded by his _Puffs_ and _Setters_, shows away. One Fellow is professing his Astonishment at the _low Prices_ the things go at, while a Hussey dress'd out for the Day, is bidding against a Woman of Quality, with no intention to buy, but to bring up those that are come thither for no other Purpose to a Price far beyond the real Value. A third Person in the same Circumstance pretends to raise a Dispute, and rails at the _Rostrum_ in behalf of the Company, as a Disguise that he may either decoy or postpone, as occasion shall require. The Ladies return home mightily pleased and satisfied with their fine _Pennyworths_, and their Judgments are sure to be admired by their _Women_, and every poor _dependant Cousin_. The Auctioneers and their Setters retire to the next Tavern, where they drink their Healths, and join in a _Chorus_ for getting rid of their crazy Furniture, _&c._ such that, perhaps, nothing but a _Fire_ or an _Execution_ besides could have moved out of their Shops.

A Set of gay young Fellows, who have been reduced by Play, and other common Accidents of the Town, have discover'd a Means of obtaining a Livelyhood within a Year past, that cannot but fail of meeting with the Approbation of the ingenious Mr. _Roger Johnson_: They dress exceeding well, and have a Chair attending them every Evening to such Taverns and Coffee-Houses as they have pitch'd upon in the Day, as most proper for the execution of their Designs. They enquire for one another, and People that they are sure not to meet with; and after taking out a fine Snuff-Box, and displaying a pretty Ring, with several other Airs, call for a Pint of Wine, if it be in a Tavern; and for a Glass of Arrack, be it in a Coffee-House, the Chairmen waiting the mean time in the Passage. After the Beau has turned himself about in the Glass, and asked a number of insignificant Questions, he desires Change for a _Guinea_, or perhaps some other large Piece of _Gold_, which he carelessly throws upon the Bar, and then leaps again towards the Glass or the Fire. Presently the Bar-keeper cries _Laud, Sir, this is not a good one!_ The Man or Woman is answer'd by a Volley of Oaths, and the Words run vastly high, till the Chairmen, by peeping through the Windows, perceive their Master has the worst of the Dispute; and then come in bowing with their Heads as crooked as Dolphins, to know if _his Honour_ has any Commands? The Place is all silent upon the appearance of the Fellows with their Straps; and a Customer, in kindness to the House, interferes in the Dispute, and bids the Bar-keeper not be too rash; for, to be sure, the Mistake must be in her: for, that a Gentleman of such an Appearance, and so attended, must certainly be in the right on't. The Fellow receives a good Piece for his bad one, and not content with that alone, insists upon their publick acknowledging their _Error_, and begging his Pardon for the Affront; to which the People readily comply, and away he is gone in his Chair, to serve as many more Houses as he can in the same manner.

There are at least thirty People that I have my Eye upon every Day who dress in Pig-tail Perriwigs and Velvet Breeches, and appear at Plays and Operas, that have not a Shilling in the World but what they get by these Practices.

A sober _Citizen_, who had been yoked about fourteen Years, and had several _Children_ by his Wife, happen'd to have a Call to the Town of _Northampton_ to transact some Business of Importance to his Family. In the course of his Life he had not exceeded the Bounds of _Highgate_ or _Greenwich_, though some say he once ventured to make the Tour of _Epsom_; however, be that as it will, the dreadful Day for his Departure is come, his _Will_ has been made in due Form, and his Affairs entirely settled before he undertook so tedious and hazardous a _Journey_. Had the poor Creature been going to _Babylon_ or _Damascus_, the Wife could not have shed more Tears, and shewn more Grief than she did on the Occasion; she fainted several times, and the People, that were about her, had much ado to keep Life in her; all Endeavours to comfort her not availing, she remain'd inconsolable, telling them, _It was fine Talking for those that had never felt the Pain of parting with a Husband_. The _last tender_ parting Kiss is given an hundred times over, and her Tears bring his Handkerchief out of his Pocket, in deep Sorrow to leave his _dear Betty_ and his _poor Babes_. In a Flood of briny Tears he is beseeched not to fail writing by every Post, and every other Opportunity which shall offer: she promising faithfully not to omit doing the like on her part. At last he is mounted, and the Eyes of the whole Family continue upon him till his Horse and he are quite out of sight.

By that time he had reach'd the Town of _Barnet_, his Horse chanced to fall lame, and himself was so disorder'd, having not rid for many Years before, that he found himself altogether unable to proceed any further, and therefore waited till the Evening, when he got Passage in a Coach that was coming from the North to _London_. When he came into his Shop at about Twelve at Night, the first thing he met with was his 'Prentice with his Pockets largely stuffed out with Goods to the Value of Twenty Pounds, which he was going to sell for his own Benefit; the House-Maid and Nursery-Maid, with a jovial Company, had got an elegant Supper before them with some of his best Wines on the Table; the Journeyman and his Cook he found upon a Pack in the Warehouse in the most tender Embraces. Next, to his Wife's Chamber, that he found fast lock'd on the Inside, and for all his kicking and swearing for half an Hour together, he could not find Admittance. Presently the Street was in an Uproar with the Cry of _Thieves! Thieves!_ a good-sized Animal being seen sliding by a white Sheet down from the Chamber-Window by a Watchman who had laid hands on him; and when he was brought into the House by a number of People with only his Breeches and Shoes on, he appeared to be an Attorney of _Furnival's-Inn_, who had been constantly employed in doing this _Citizen's Business_, and was now doing _Business_ for his Wife.

A young Gentleman, that had made his Addresses for a long time to the only Daughter of a Widow-Lady, and every one looking upon the thing that it would one Day be a _Match_, they were permitted to be together frequently alone; to which _Opportunity_ he joined those pressing and prevailing _Importunities_, that were too hard for a young innocent Creature to withstand. In a word, she granted all that was in her power to give, and surrendred at Discretion the last Favour. A Maid-Servant, who had kept a watchful Eye upon the Conduct of these two _Lovers_, as knowing by Experience what it was for a young Girl to be left alone with a pretty Fellow, peep'd thro' a Key-Hole, and saw them very fairly go _sans Ceremony_ to bed together. The Maid having now pretty well secured her Game, steals privately up to her old Mistress's Chamber, and gave her an Account of the hopeful way her young Lady was in. The old Lady causes her Brother, who lodg'd in the House with her, and was a resolute Sea-Officer, to be call'd up, to give her his Advice and Assistance in so nice and critical a _Conjuncture_. The Captain, as well as his Sister, were warm'd with the highest Resentment for so horrid a Violation of the Laws of Honour and Hospitality; the one declared he would do the Business of the Man, and the other was resolv'd to turn her Daughter out into the Street, altho' it was more than Midnight. In this Disposition they both came to Miss's Chamber-Door, and demanded Entrance. It may be easy to imagine what an Interruption this sudden and unexpected Accident gave to the Joys of the amorous Couple, and the Terror that it laid them under. The young Fellow begg'd his _dear Creature_ to recover her Surprize, to be directed by his Conduct, and follow the Example he should give her; which would extricate them both out of the Difficulty, into which their rash Loves had involv'd them. Both leap'd out of the Bed in their Shifts, and called out to the Assailants on the other side of the Chamber-Door, he bidding them to offer no farther Disturbance at their Peril, for that he would protect and defend his _lawful Wife_ to the last Extremity; but that, if they had a mind to enter civilly, and hearken to Reason, he would not give them the trouble of breaking open the Door. The Words _lawful Wife_ deeply affected the old Woman, who began to compose herself, upon hearing so comfortable an Expression; her Passion and Violence being abated, she cry'd _Dear_ Molly, _open the Door, 'tis none but your Uncle and my self_. As soon as they enter'd, both the young People went on their Knees, and ask'd the old Lady Blessing; she could give them no Answer till she had given vent to her Tears, and then said, _She had not been so unkind a Parent, but that she might have been acquainted with the Thing: but, since it was done, she wished them both well together_, and intreated them to return into Bed again; _for, that she could not bear to see them stand in that manner in the Cold_. The Uncle saluted his _Niece_ and _Nephew_, giving them his Compliments on their Nuptials, and then retired with his _Sister_. The young Folks soon got to Bed again. The Fellow lay till five in the Morning, and then found an Opportunity to get out of the House before the Family was stirring; so that when the good old Lady arose, she saw no more of her _quondam Son-in-law_.

A Man who keeps an Half-Crown or Twelve-penny Ordinary, looks not more for Money from his Customers, than a _Footman_ does from every Guest that dines or sups with his Master; and I question whether the one does not often think a Shilling or Half a Crown, according to the Quality of the Person, his Due as much as the other. I have seen a decay'd Gentleman of as antient and honourable a Family as any in the Kingdom, sit in great pain at a Person of Quality's Table for want of Half a Crown in his Pocket to _pay_ the _Butler_ and _Footman_ for his Dinner. And if a Person is known to fail in this respect, the next time he comes to the House, he is sure to have the _Look_ which a Court Table-keeper bestows upon a hungry Poet or an Officer in Half-pay, who shall be invited by any Gentleman-Waiter to Dinner, fix'd on him all the time he is eating.

People in the middle Station of Life must pay as regularly for their Admission to the Persons of the Great, as those do who enter into beneficial Offices and Places. I have been informed, that there is affix'd up in several Ale-houses and other publick Places where Servants resort to at the other End of the Town, a List or Table of Fees to be taken by Noblemen's _Porters_, _Footmen_, and _Valets de Chambre_, for People's having Access to their Masters, _viz_.

For a Tradesman to be heard } _l._ _s._ _d._ _vivâ voce_, upon the Subject of a } 0 10 6 large Debt of a long standing, }

For a poor Clergyman supplicating } a Chaplainship, or any other } 0 5 0 Ecclesiastical Preferment. }

For a Poet to present a Dedication 0 2 6

For a Mercer or Draper to } exhibit a choice new Pattern. } 0 2 0

For a Person's obtaining the } _Promise_ of a Place. } 0 5 0

For every Tradesman's Bill that } is suffered to lie upon the Table for } 0 1 0 my Lord and Lady's Perusal. }

For every paid-off Bill above Ten } Pounds } 0 10 0

If any Tradesman has been injuriously treated by the _Steward_ or the _House-keeper_, who seldom stand high in the Esteem of these lower Domesticks, the Fees are then dispensed with, and they are admitted _gratis_, or more properly in _forma Pauperis_, because the Complaint may prove of such a nature, as to bring about a Change in the Ministry of the House, and be the Means of an insolent, haughty, over-bearing Spirit being dismiss'd the Family, and _Te Deum_ sung in the _Kitchen_ and the other lower Offices for a Revolution _above-stairs_.

A Man stone-blind may as soon attempt to view the Sun, as a _Tradesman_ or a _Pauper_ to attempt the sight of a Great Man without paying the above Dues; for my Lord shall at one time be _very ill_, and at another _just gone out_: one Day he is _indisposed_, and _rested badly_, and another Day _better_, but _sees no Company_; and have these constant regular Intermissions of _Sickness_ and _Health_ for three or four Months together.

Sometimes _Credit_ has indeed been given in these Cases, but then they have known, and been pretty sure of their Men. A Gentleman, who had many times met with these _Put-offs_ at the Door of a Nobleman, came one day to the Porter with two Half-Crown Pieces, chinking them from one Hand to the other, upon which his Lordship happened to be _at home_. Having got his Pass to him, and done his Business, he return'd thro' the Hall with the Money in his Pocket, smiling upon the Porter, who he had thus decently deceiv'd.

A Widow, who had once sold a Fan of Half a Guinea Price to a Person of Quality, the Porter refused to let her go out of the Door without paying _her Fee_, and kept her in durance. She desired to know his Demands; he told her, a Shilling: Upon this, she gave him a Crown, bidding him give her Change, which he did. It happen'd to be a Brass Piece, which he not perceiving, the Woman got out in haste, to avoid being detected; but when she came to look on her Money, she found the Fellow had given her four Leaden Shillings in the change of it.

The Duties of Tonnage and Poundage, which the _Upper Servants_, as they call themselves, have imposed upon Tradesmen who serve the Families that entertain them, are very far from being thought sufficient and satisfactory. For besides a Butcher, Poulterer, or Fishmonger's being at the constant beck of the Clerk to a Kitchin, or the Groom of a Chamber, to follow him to a Tavern in the Morning, and bring something that's _pretty_, to compose a Breakfast for two or three hungry Fellows out of Business, as he shall have in his Company, they must, I say, moreover learn the Art of Brewing, and keep constantly a Cup of good nappy Ale in their Houses, to entertain the Cook, and all the other Gentry of the Kitchen, when they shall please to make a _Visit_. A Tradesman must lend his Money, pass his Word, stand Bail for Arrests, and Sponsor at Christenings, and now and then be a Surety to the Parish for a Bastard Child. He must do all this, and a great deal more, or else every thing he furnishes shall be found fault with: They shall tell him what application has been made by others for the Custom, what pains they have taken to defeat it, and how often they are forc'd to stand in the Gap for him, when his Goods have been complain'd of, and his Discharge actually order'd.

A Coachmaker once assured me, that he seldom made a Coach or Chariot for any Person of great Quality, but that what with the chief of the Men-servants running after himself, and the Women-servants after his Wife, he has been put to such an Expence, as would have fairly bought a pair of Horses to have drawn the Equipage.

As _many_ of our News-Papers are charged with playing _Tricks_ with the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are chiefly these, _Falsity_, _Absurdity_, and _Trifling_. We are frequently amused with the _Lives_ and _Actions_ of Persons that were never _born_; and with the _Deaths_ of those that never _liv'd_; and large Estates devis'd by People that never enjoy'd them, nor indeed ever claim'd any Right so to do.

An Author, in the _Morning_, gives us an Account of the Death of a Person of Note and Eminence, whose Condition hath entitled him to a Place in his Paper; he tells us the Place, Day, Hour, and the Minute he expir'd, with a long detail of the Fortune and Merit he was possessed of. A Writer for the _Evening_ enters his _Caveat_ against some Particulars of the _Fact_, and declares his Brother hath had an _ill Information_; for that the Party did not depart at the Time mention'd in his Paper, and that himself only is in possession of the truth; and avers, that it happen'd above half an Hour after that Time, and at a different Place than what the other has reported it. The next Day a Third starts up, with a grievous Complaint of the _Town's being impos'd upon_, and triumphs in a more genuine and exact Account than either of 'em. He insists upon it, that he did not fairly leave the World till full fourteen Minutes and fifty nine Seconds after the time both the others have brought it down to; and moreover maintains, that the Demise in dispute happen'd at a Seat in the Country, and not at an House in the Town, _as has been falsly publish'd in the other Papers_.

They are now all together by the ears about settling of the _Will_, and disposing of the _Estate_. After a great deal of wrangling upon those Heads, they begin to consider that the _Corpse_ must have Christian Burial; they turn their Thoughts to that Point, and begin to settle the _Funeral_. One Author is for _its lying in State_; another will not come into it, but declares for a _private Interment_. At last a Writer _buries it in a most magnificent manner_, in a Church some Miles distant from _London_; and his Antagonist performs the _Funeral_ at another Church fifty Miles farther than that, and in a more _decent way_. Next a Paper gives us the Names of those that supported the _Pall_, together with who was the _chief Mourner_. This is so provoking to him who could not lay hold on this _Intelligence in time_, that he is resolv'd to be even with his Rival; so that the next News we hear, are the Heads of the _Sermon_ that was preach'd at the _Funeral_.

The Friends and Acquaintance of the _Deceas'd_, that may be remote from the Town, and have nothing else to govern them but these _Advices_, believe the main of them; and notwithstanding their Perplexities and Variation, all credit the _Death_ of their old _Friend_, and begin to descant on the Actions of his _Life_, some conjecturing what he must have _died worth_, and what a Man he might have been, was it not for such a Failing; and others, how long they had remembred and been acquainted with him, _&c._

When the Story has gone this length, and begins to be old, and almost obliterated, the News-Paper that was most forward in publishing it, to the astonishment of all Mankind, cries out _peccavi_, and confesses how he was _imposed on_; acknowledges _his Sorrow and Contrition_, and _heartily begs Pardon of the Publick_, _and the Person_, whom he now maintains to be _alive, and in good health_; and says, that _the Report of his Death, as publish'd in his, and_ OTHER PAPERS, is entirely _false, groundless, and without any manner of Foundation_.

There have been Instances of Women who have been frighten'd into _Miscarriages_, and some even to _Death_, at the unexpected Visits of their Friends, (whom, upon the _Credit_ of the Papers) they have verily believed to have been as really dead as their great Grandmothers were. A Lady of Quality, that is become superannuated, is not to confine herself to Books of Devotion alone; People are not born for themselves only; no, no, as ancient as she is, she must yet do some Service to the Society. Says an Author, what, Shall _her Grace_ fancy herself as hail at Fourscore as she was at Forty? Accordingly, he lends her his Hand, and she is led _very dangerously ill_ into his Paper. The next Morning he is obliged to retract it, and so the Publick are Gainers _two_ Paragraphs by it.

Nor shall a Lord _Spiritual_ or _Temporal_, that has attain'd his Grand Climacterical Year, and yet remains in a good state of Mind and Body, lie idle, but must occasionally be _extremely ill, attended by sundry Physicians_, and _given over_; when a Dearth of Tales and Tidings shall cause a Chasm in the Paper. The Persons so mention'd, read these Relations themselves, and oftentimes with much pleasure, because they receive a real Benefit by 'em: for they divert the Spleen and Vapours, natural to old Age, and so prove a happy Means of preserving them alive, much longer than some People perhaps may care for.

A noble Lord, in a high Station, that is pretty far advanced in Years, never rises from his Bed, but asks, _Am I in the Papers?_ For it has been an Observation made by most People, that his Name has been made use of for being _greatly indispos'd_; _finely mended_; _dangerously relaps'd_; _in a fair way of Recovery_; _going to, and returning from the Country_; and being _sent for by Expresses to assist at Councils_, that have not been held, and _Boards_ that have not met, _on Business of great Importance_, constantly _de Die in Diem_, in one Paper or other, for several years together.

A Man may better venture to take a Purse from a Merchant upon _Change_, than a _Judge_ to take an airing in his Coach, without being taken into _Custody_ of a News-Writer for it. I have known them give such minute Accounts of the times of the Judges _setting out_ for this Place and from that Place in their private Capacities, that some of them have actually suspended their Journeys, to prevent Highway-mens taking the Hint, and lying in ambush for them on the Roads.

I am told of a certain _Great Man_ who hath been most grosly affronted and vilify'd by _certain Papers_ from Week to Week, Month to Month, and from Year to Year, for a very long Series of Time; and who hath publickly declar'd, that nothing shall provoke him to depart from a Maxim which he has long laid down, _viz. That 'tis better one Man be perpetually abus'd, than Thousands perish_.

About _Michaelmas_, an Author has told us in _Print_, he was _assured_ that _Christmas-Day would be on the 25th of_ December _following_. If the Man has not been starv'd before the time, but surviv'd to St. _Stephen_'s Day, and seen his wonderful Prediction happen and come to pass; 'tis pleasant to observe, how he glories and exults in his next Paper, telling us, _It is agreeable to what was formerly publish'd in his, and in no other Paper_; and sets a high value on his Judgment for anticipating his Brethren, the other Writers, who look like Fools at one another, to see themselves thus jockey'd out of so _remarkable_ a piece of _Intelligence_.

One Day we are told of a _Reform_ of the _Army_, and the next of a _Promotion_ of _General Officers_. 'Tis merry enough to see a Colonel of a Regiment in a Coffee-House, reading a News-Paper, that informs him of a Gentleman being made _Lieutenant-Colonel to a Company of Foot_; and of a _General_ of _Horse_ being promoted to the Rank of _Captain-Lieutenant_ in his own Regiment; of which the Papers extant have afforded us numberless Instances. We often read of some _Duke_, who is called eldest Son and Heir apparent to a _Viscount_ or _Baron_, going to, or returning from his Travels.

A dignify'd Clergyman, who had given a few Sacks of Coals amongst some poor People in hard Weather, happen'd to come into _Brown_'s Coffee-House in _Spring-Garden_, where some of the Gentlemen cry'd out, _Doctor, you're in the Papers_. The Gentleman seem'd to be greatly surprized at the thing: _What impudent Rascal has made free with my Character?_ answers the Priest. Upon which one, with an audible Voice, read out the Paragraph, which contained nothing more than a fine Encomium on his Charity. The Doctor said, indeed there was some _Truth_ in it; but then, _how impertinent it was in any Fellow to make such a trifling Affair the Burden of his Paper_. This gave occasion for various Reflections on the Papers in general. The _Printer_ happen'd to be present, and heard himself, and others of his Fraternity abused, in this manner for some time. Several Gentlemen that were his Acquaintance, thought it far better to be silent, than to interfere in his favour, because that might tend to expose him to the Doctor's farther Clamour and Resentment. After the _Divine_ had harangued the Company with a long _Discourse_ upon the Insolence of Authors, Printers, and Publishers; the _Printer_ pull'd out of his Pocket the _Copy_ from which this _injurious Article_ had been printed, and which appear'd, to the entire Satisfaction of every one present, to be the Doctor's own Hand-Writing. The Printer further declar'd, that he knew no more of the matter, than that his Servants, in his absence, receiv'd the usual Price of three Shillings and Six-pence, for its being inserted in his Paper.

The Tricks which have been put upon the weak and credulous part of Mankind during the Drawing of the late State-Lottery by letting out what were called _Horses_ and _Chances_ to Women and Children, are wonderful. There was a Gentlewoman, not far from St. _Dunstan_'s Church in _Fleet-Street_, who having the Misfortune to fall in with the Opinion of many, that the Tickets would still come down to _Par_, had therefore neglected to provide herself till the Premiums were got so high that she chose rather than purchase a _Ticket_, to put herself _in Fortune's Way_ by _Riding_. Being recommended to the _honestest Broker_ in the _Alley_, she got _mounted_ upon a very _odd Number_, and one which had been successful in a former Lottery. She grew more familiar with Morning and Evening Prayers than ever. One day she fasted, another day feasted, and when a sturdy Beggar ask'd her Assistance, they were not put off with _You're able to work_, but were sure of Relief. Her Maids were treated as though they had been her nearest Relations, and her Children could do nothing to ruffle her Temper. In a word, she declared for nothing but Acts of Charity and Piety, and never had such a Harmony been seen before in the Family. If anyone knocked at the Door in haste, she grew pale, and was all over in a Trembling, expecting it to be the _joyful News_; and, by way of Precaution, she had spoke to a _Surgeon_ to be ready upon a short Notice, because she intended to lose _a few Ounces_, to prevent the Consequence of a _Surprize_. She kept _de die in diem_ renewing her Ticket, upon the Information of a little blind Office whither the Broker carried her, that it remain'd _undrawn_. Three Weeks past, and she could hear no Tales or Tidings of either of the _Ten Thousands_, notwithstanding the many thousand good things she vow'd to do, if Madam _Fortune_ would but for once vouchsafe to become her humble Servant; resolving not to be discouraged, because her _Dreams_ still assured that there was some good thing in store for her in the _Wheel_. She continued renewing her Ticket till the last Week of the Drawing, when being advised to consult the Register at the Lottery-Office in _Whitehall_, she had the sorrowful Satisfaction to find how she had been abused, the _Ticket_ which she had hired for thirty-two Days at the different Prices the _Horses_ bore, having been drawn a _Blank_ the second day of the _Lottery_.

A little Lottery _of all Prizes and no Blanks_, for disposing of a few Trifles, being put up by a Tradesman in the City, the highest Prize was a _Pint Silver Mug_: any one might become an Adventurer for Six-pence, and the Adventurers were to put their Hands in the Glass, and draw the Tickets themselves. A Sharper having got amongst the Croud, contrived a Ticket like those in the Glass, and wrote upon it a _Pint Silver Mug_, and then dextrously concealing it in the Palm of his Hand, put in to draw the Lot: the Ticket being opened, the Master of the Lottery called him all the vile cheating Rogues, saying, he would go before a Magistrate, and make Oath, that the Prize of the _Silver Mug_ had never been put into the Glass.

There are many Persons subsisted merely by frequenting the most noted _Ordinaries_ and _Eating-Houses_ where the second-hand sort of Gentlemen resort; and there, when they find a better Sword, Hat or Cane, than their own at leisure, make no scruple to bring them away, and are oftentimes so ungenerous as not to leave their old ones in lieu of them. The Persons who fall into this _Way of Life_, I have observed, are for the most part of pretty voluble Tongues, and are generally well versed in the Politicks and Histories of their own Times, so as to be able to harangue a Company into a good opinion of their Parts and Capacity; so that when they are taking Leave, to go away, the Company may not regard the Pegs on which those Moveables hang. They also appear decently dress'd, so as to avoid being suspected of making a _Trade_ instead of a _Mistake_ when they are detected in these Practices. I have known a large Number of People, after they have heartily filled their Bellies with Beef and Pudding, do notable Services to their Country; two or three have made Reprisals upon the _Spanish Guard la Costa's_ in the _West-Indies_. Others have reduced the Army, and added to the Sinking-Fund. Some have made a safe and honourable Peace, and brought us all to rights at last; and after all this Merit, be rewarded with the loss of their Hats, Canes and Swords, and be forced to march out of a Cook's Shop like a Garrison that has surrendred Prisoners at Discretion, when some of the _Gentlemen_ of this _Profession_ have been amongst them.

A Gentleman-like Person being on a _Christmas-Day_ taking a Walk in _Queen-Square_ near _Ormond-Street_, and observing a handsome Table decked out with the best Damask Linnen, and a Side-Board richly cover'd with Plate, _&c._ he concluded that an elegant Dinner must not be very distant from those Preparations. Immediately a Coach, containing two Ladies and a Gentleman, stopt at the Door: with an Air of Vivacity he steps forward, and assists the Ladies in coming out of the Coach, and after the mutual Civilities, they all enter the House together, and are received and conducted by the Gentleman of the Family into the Dining-Room; his Lady, Sisters, Daughters, and Nieces are saluted by the _Gentlemen_ in the usual manner. Dinner is called, and served up; and the _Stranger_ calls about him for Water, Wine, and every thing he wanted, as though he had been intimately acquainted with the Table. From the Discourse which passed, he became Master of every one's Name present, and made use of them on proper Occasions; and then by a short Story relating to a Rencounter, which he said he was engaged in at _Paris_, the Company laid hold of his Name likewise, and every one became jocose, free, and obliging to each other. When he was called upon for his Toast, he named the most celebrated Beauties of the Age, and the Healths of such Gentlemen as he found were agreeable to the Ladies. In a word, he acquitted himself as became a Man of Mode, and one who kept the best Company. Towards the Evening the Conversation breaks up, and the Gentlemen with the two Ladies take Leave, after a great many Compliments for their Entertainment; and the strange Gentleman having helped to conduct the Ladies into their Coach in the same manner as he had handed them out of it, they in Civility desire to set him down, which he accepted of, and they heard no more of him till they went again to dine at their Friend's House in _Queen's-Square_, when the Gentleman of the House and all the Ladies roundly rallied them for not bringing their Friend, the well-bred Mr. ---- with them to Dinner. They were more surprized, as supposing him to have been an Intimate of the Family's, and had not seen him before the time he had imposed himself upon all the Company for a Dinner.

A certain small Portion of the People obtain Food and Raiment by plying closely the Avenues that lead into _St. James's Park_, and the other privileged Places within the Verge of the Court; they appear like Porters and Chairmen, and some like Operators for the Feet; and have had such Experience in their Business, and are so well skill'd in Physiognomy, that they know an _insolvent Person_ upon the first sight. The severe Usage his Apparel has met with from the Bristles, or else his conscious Countenance in the shy and suspicious Look he casts over his Shoulder upon every one he hears treading behind him, are the infallible Tokens by which they form their Judgment. Having pitch'd upon their Man, they pursue him at a proper Distance, till they find an Opportunity to speak with him alone, and then tell him a Person has hired them to watch diligently the Route he shall take for that Day, and upon giving notice thereof, they are to be rewarded; but that, being an unfortunate Man himself, and owing much Money, he would not for his Right-hand set a Gentleman into the hands of a Bailiff. The Information carrying such an honest Face with it, cannot fail of being received with due Gratitude. The Insolvent is now obliged to look to himself, and instead of stealing to _Chelsea_ or _Kensington_ for a little Air, is forced to confine himself to bad Punch and worse Wine at some blind Hedge Coffee-house or Tavern within the Verge of the Court. The Rascal by whom he has thus been impudently imposed upon and terrified, never meets him but begs a Shilling or Six-pence; and having brought, perhaps, a dozen unfortunate Gentlemen more under the same Apprehensions, makes a comfortable Livelyhood of them.

Sometimes they are really employ'd by the Bailiffs to keep a Look-out upon a Gentleman that is appointed to be unharboured; then they betray their Masters by giving him timely Notice of what is intended, and so get more by the Discovery than the Officer would have done by executing the Writ.

A Gentleman had once taken Sanctuary in the Verge, but such pressing Importunities were made to the _Green-Cloth_, that he was left to the Mercy of his Creditors, if they could get him into their Power: As his Debts were large, so large Rewards were offered to any Officer who should undertake his Reprizal. A Bailiff for the Sum of Twenty Guineas at last undertook the Job. The Insolvent confined himself close to his Chamber, and had all his Eatables dressed at a Tavern: Having one Night ordered an elegant Supper for a few Ladies at his Lodgings, the Bailiffs got Intelligence of the Hour it was directed to be ready; and having equipp'd himself with a black Callimanco-Waistcoat and Napkin-Cap like a Cook, and his two Followers like Drawers, and furnish'd themselves with cover'd Dishes, Plates, and every thing necessary for Eating: A few Minutes before the time appointed they were all admitted into the Chamber, the Ladies were all in a Hurry to get themselves seated, crying _Supper was come_; but the Gentleman perceiving the Cheat, was for taking to his Pistols, but they secured and brought him off Prisoner to the County-Jayl immediately.

A Foreigner of Distinction, who had formerly made the Tour of _England_, and during his Stay, had contracted very large Debts with several Trades-People, happened a few Months since to return to _London_: he chose to lodge privately, and seldom appeared abroad; but, having purchased some Tickets in the State-Lottery, and entered them at an Office in the City for an Account of their Success to be transmitted to him; his Creditors got knowledge of his Arrival, and the Place of his Abode. One Morning, when he was in a _Dishabilié_, and playing with his Dog, a Sheriff's Officer _sans Ceremonie_ entered the Room, and taking a Writ out of his Pocket, shew'd it to the _Count_, telling him, _he arrested him in an Action for Five Hundred Pounds_. The _Foreigner_ understanding but very little _English_, fell to hugging the Bailiff in his Arms, and thrust eight Guineas into his Hand as a Reward, thinking he had brought him the News of a Five Hundred Pound Prize in the Lottery; and then capered about the Room like a Dancing-Master, calling in _French_ to his _Valet_ and _Interpreter_, who were in an adjacent Room, to come to partake of his Joy. By this time three dirty Ruffians like Street-Robbers were at the Chamber-door, and the whole House in an Uproar. The _Count_ was soon convinced of his Error, and obliged to find Bail to the Action; and there being none in the Room but the Bailiff and himself when the Writ was executed, the Rascal absolutely denied the Present of _Eight Guineas_, and got three more for his _Civility_, in not carrying him out of the House.

A noted Town-Sharper being in Company with others of his Acquaintance, and tossing about his Purse with Fifty Guineas in it, swore he must make them an Hundred between Sun and Sun, or else he must be liable to an Arrest, and go to Jayl for the Money. He went to his Lodgings in _Westminster_, and taking off his Coat and Neckcloth, put on his Night-Gown, and stuck a Pen under his Perriwig, and laying aside his Hat, ordered a Hackney-Coach to be called to the Door; his Order was to be set down at _Stocks-Market_, from thence he walked into a Banker's Shop in _Lombard-Street_, and pointing towards one of the neighbouring Lanes, said, there was an old whimsical Lady at his Shop just come to Town, who had required him to get her fifty of _Queen Anne_'s Guineas in Change of others to carry home with her into the Country; and that, being an extraordinary good Customer, he could not fail obliging her. The Banker's Servant answered, they had, no doubt, a good number of them, but it would give him a great deal of Trouble to tumble over the Cash to find 'em. Upon this the Sharper threw him down three Half-Crowns as a Gratuity, and then several Bags of Gold opened their Mouths upon the Compter: while the Servant was busy in looking them out, the other was as busy to assist him, and every Minute was darting his Hand upon the Heaps, crying, _Here's one: there's another_, &c. and by the help of some Wax in the hollow of his Hand, he drew away several Guineas every time, which he conveyed into a Handkerchief he held in his Left-hand. When the Number was compleated, they parted, with much Complaisance on each side: but when the Banker came the next Morning to settle the Account of his Cash, he found in his _Gold_ a Deficiency of _Sixty Guineas_.

A most satyrical Pamphlet against some Persons in Power, having been ushered into the World by an unknown Hand, and being wrote with much Spirit and Vehemence, the Thing had a prodigious Run upon the Town, so that the Profits arising from the Sale were very considerable. A _Bookseller_ in the City, who happened to be the Proprietor of this _Lucky Hit_, being at his Shop-door one Evening, a Gentleman pretty humbly habited accosted him, and desired leave to exhibit to him a _Copy_ upon a curious Subject, which, he said, was his own Performance, and which he believed _wou'd do_; he told him of what _University_ he was, and by what Means his Merit had miss'd of it's Reward: He was going to apologize for the meanness of his Apparel, when the Bookseller interrupted him with a great Oath, and pointed to a Warehouse of Waste-Paper, which he said was, to his sorrow, the Production of Beaus and Blockheads of Quality; adding, it was a Maxim held by the whole Trade, that _a bad Coat always betoken'd a good Poet_; and that if he approv'd of his _Work_, his _Dress_ should be no Obstacle to a Bargain: but that withal he seem'd to be Master of too much Modesty, he fear'd, to undertake the Business of his Shop; but if he turn'd out otherwise, and had any tolerable hand at Defamation, he had a _Fifth Floor_, with other Favours at his Service. The Shopkeeper said it was not customary to treat of these Matters at home, and having carried him to his Tavern, he enquir'd the Hour of the _Poet_'s Appetite. A Bottle, with a monstrous Beef-Stake, were soon upon the Table. They now come to Business; the Bookseller was ask'd, _If he was a Man of Honour, and could keep a Secret?_ No Man, _he thank'd God, could say otherwise, for that he always endeavour'd to preserve the Character of as honest a Man as the Trade and Business would admit of_. The Poet then assur'd him, he was the real Author of that severe Pamphlet against the M--n--ry, which had made such a noise in the World. The Bookseller had not been acquainted with Books alone, he knew something of Men also, and had therefore the Presence of Mind to conceal his Surprize at the monstrous Impudence of the Fellow; and giving him a fast squeeze by the Hand, says, _Sir, you're my Man:_ and being willing to have some other Witness of this extraordinary Event, said, Then I must let you into another Secret; and gave him to understand that there was a private Contract between him and another Bookseller in the same Street, by which both their Interests were so consolidated, that the one durst not engross or monopolize to himself any Copy or Author, without the Knowledge and Consent of the other; and so desired he would give leave for his Partner to be sent for, which was readily comply'd with. The poor Man had now two upon his hands; the Bottle went briskly about, and the more merry, the more unmerciful they grew, for the Room was soon fill'd with more Booksellers, Printers, and Stationers, to see this Prodigy of Wit and Satyr: who were all recommended to him as _Friends_, and _Well-wishers to the Cause_. He became more unguarded, till at last they extorted from him the Profits accruing by the ingenious Pamphlet, for the writing of which he had set so high a Value upon himself. He was very particular and prolix on that Head, and so soon as he had ended his Relation, the first Bookseller produced, before all the Company, a Receipt, under the Hand of the true Author, for the Money he had paid him for the Copy.

FINIS.

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