Chapter II: Part 2

One night as the Cogia was lying in his bed he perceived a thief moving upon the housetop. Now, the Cogia's wife was lying at his side, and he said to her, 'O wife, last night wishing to enter the house, I repeated this prayer and descended the chimney on the rays of the moon.' The thief above heard these words of the Cogia, and after a little time, repeating the prayer which the Cogia had repeated, essayed to go down the chimney upon the rays of the moon, but tumbled down headlong. The Cogia, who was not yet sleep, rising in haste, seized the thief by the collar and cried out, 'O wife, be quick and light a candle, for I have caught a thief!' hereupon the thief exclaimed humorously, 'O Cogia Efendi, don't be in a hurry; the virtue in that prayer being in me was rather too much for me, and so I tumbled down here.'

Nasr Eddin Efendi had an old ox which had exceedingly great horns, and so far apart, that it was possible for a person to sit between them. Every time that the ox drew nigh the Cogia was in the habit of saying to himself, 'How I should like to sit between his horns,' and calculating as to the possibility of doing so. One day the ox came and laid himself down before the house. Cries the Cogia, 'Now is my time!' and mounting, he took his seat betwixt the ox's two horns. Presently, however, the ox, rising upon his legs, flung the Cogia upon the ground, where he lay for some time quite senseless. His wife coming and seeing him lying motionless, began to lament. After some time, the Cogia, recovering a little, on seeing his wife weeping by his side, exclaimed, 'O wife, do not weep, I have suffered a great deal, but I have had my desire.'

One day a thief got into the Cogia's house. Cries his wife, 'O Cogia, there is a thief in the house.' 'Don't make any disturbance,' says the Cogia. 'I wish to God that he may find something, so that I may take it from him.'

One day the Cogia's wife said to him, 'Go and lie down yonder, a little way off.' The Cogia, getting up, forthwith took his shoes in his hand, and walked during two days; at the end of which, meeting a man, he said, 'Go and ask my wife whether I have gone far enough, or must go yet farther.'

One night as the Cogia was lying with his wife, he said, 'O wife, if you love me, get up and light a candle, that I may write down a verse which has come into my head.' His wife, getting up, lighted the candle, and brought him pen and inkstand. The Cogia wrote, and his wife said, 'O Efendi of my soul, won't you read to me what you have written?' Whereupon the Cogia read, 'Amongst the green leaves methinks I see a black hen go with a red bill.'

One day the Cogia being ill, a number of women came to inquire about his health. One of the women said, 'God knows whether you will die; but if you do, what shall we say when we lament over you?' 'Say this,' said the Cogia, 'when you lament over me, "Notwithstanding all he did, he could never understand everything."'

Cogia Efendi, every time he returned to his house, was in the habit of bringing a piece of liver, which his wife always gave to a common woman, placing before the Cogia leavened patties to eat when he came home in the evening. One day the Cogia said, 'O wife, every day I bring home a liver: where do they all go to?' 'The cat runs away with all of them,' replied the wife. Thereupon the Cogia getting up, put his hatchet in the trunk and locked it up. Says his wife to the Cogia, 'For fear of whom do you lock up the hatchet?' 'For fear of the cat,' replied the Cogia. 'What should the cat do with the hatchet?' said the wife. 'Why,' replied the Cogia, 'as he takes a fancy to the liver, which costs two aspres, is it not likely that he will take a fancy to the hatchet, which costs four?'

One day the wife of the Cogia wanted to go to the bath. Now the Cogia had a little money which he kept in a corner hid from his wife. As she went out of the door she looked back. 'Stay,' said the Cogia, 'I am just dead, and here's a little money I have left behind me.'

One day the Cogia and his wife went to the side of a pool, in order to wash their linen. As they were making a beginning with their linen by beating it upon the plain and using soap to it, a raven coming seized the soap and flew away with it. 'O Cogia,' shrieked the wife, 'the raven has taken away the soap.' 'Say nothing, wife,' said the Cogia, 'it was dirty enough after our using it; let him take it and wash it.'

One day the Cogia and his wife made an agreement to copulate every Friday night. The wife was perfectly satisfied with the arrangement; 'But,' said the Cogia, 'let us agree upon a sign by which I may know that the time for doing my duty is come.' The wife said, 'When Friday night is come I will hang your turban above the alcove; you will know by that that it is Friday night.' 'Good, good!' said the Cogia. One night, however, which was not Friday night, the Cogia's wife being desirous for copulation, as soon as she arose to go to bed, placed the Cogia's turban above the alcove. Said the Cogia, 'O wife, this is not Friday night!' 'It is Friday night,' said the wife. Whereupon the Cogia said, 'O wife, in this house either let Friday night keep the reckoning, or let me.'

One day the Cogia's wife went with the wife of a neighbour to wash at a pool. It happened that the Governor of the country, who was taking a walk, came up and looked at them. Said the wife of the Cogia, 'Pray, man, what are you looking at?' 'Who is that woman?' said the Governor to some one who was standing by. 'She is the wife of Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi,' replied the individual. On the following day the Governor, sending for the Cogia, said to him, 'Is such and such a woman your wife?' 'Yes,' said the Cogia, 'she is my wife.' Said the Governor, 'Go and bring her to me.' 'What do you want with her?' said the Cogia. 'I have a question to ask her,' said the Governor. 'Do you only tell me the question,' said the Cogia, 'and I will go and put it to her.'

One day some people said to the Cogia's son, 'What is padligean?' 'It is a little deaf thing which walks without opening its eyes,' said the child. 'It did not know that of itself: I taught it,' said the Cogia.

One day a chariot departed for the Castle of Siouri. The Cogia also set off for that place, running quite naked. The drivers, on arriving at the town, having given information of the Cogia's coming, all the people came out to meet him, who, on seeing him quite naked, said, 'O Cogia Efendi, why do you come in this manner?' 'From the love I bore you,' said the Cogia. 'I was in such a hurry in dressing, that I forgot my clothes.'

The Cogia had a scalt head. Once he went to the barber, had his head shaved, paid an aspre, and went away. The following week he went again, was shaved, and had a looking-glass placed before him. 'As the half of my head is scalt,' said the Cogia, 'is not an aspre for shaving it too much by half?'

One day the Cogia went with some men a-fishing. They cast the net into the sea, and the Cogia cast himself into the net. 'O Cogia,' said they, 'what are you about?' 'I imagined myself a fish,' said the Cogia.

One day the boys of the town said to one another, 'Come, let us get the Cogia to climb a tree, and we will steal away his sandals.' The boys coming to the foot of a tree stopped, and said, 'No one can climb this tree.' The Cogia coming up, said, 'I can climb it.' 'No, you can't,' said they. Forthwith the Cogia tied the skirts of his robe about his loins and put his sandals in his bosom. 'O Cogia Efendi,' said the boys, 'what will you do with your slippers in the tree?' Said the Cogia, 'If I find a road when I am above there, I shall have my slippers ready to put on.'

One day a man coming from the country brought the Cogia a hare. The Cogia, with much politeness and civility, gave him some broth to eat. At the end of a week he came again; but the Cogia appearing to have forgot him, said, 'Who may you be?' 'I am the person who brought the hare,' said the man; whereupon the Cogia again entertained him. After some days a number of men made their appearance and wanted to be entertained. 'Who may you be?' said the Cogia. 'We are the neighbours of the man who brought you the hare,' said they. A few days after a whole troop of men arriving, the Cogia asked them who they were? 'We are the neighbours of the neighbours of the man who brought the hare,' said they. 'You are quite welcome,' said the Cogia, and placed before them a large jar of pure water; on seeing which they said, 'What is this?' 'The water of the water of the hare is what it is,' said the Cogia.

One day the Cogia, whilst labouring in the field, found a tortoise, and, seizing hold of it, tied a string round its neck and hung it to his spade. The tortoise beginning to cry and squeal, 'It is of no use crying,' said the Cogia, 'you must now learn to work.'

One day the Cogia, being on the point of death, called his neighbours about him. The neighbours coming, began to eat and make merry, without saying to the Cogia, 'Come and partake.' The Cogia incensed, got up and went out. After a little time they sought for the Cogia, and could not find him; so dispersing themselves about, they went after him, and at last found him. 'Ho, Cogia,' said they, 'come, where have you got to?' Said the Cogia, 'He who this day supplies the bridal meats has, surely, a right to go into the bridal chamber.'

One day the Cogia, being out on a journey, encamped along with a caravan, and tied up his horse along with the others. When it was morning the Cogia could not find his horse amongst the rest, not knowing how to distinguish it; forthwith taking a bow and arrow in his hand, he said, 'Men, men, I have lost my horse.' Every one laughing, took his own horse; and the Cogia looking, saw a horse which he instantly knew to be his own. Forthwith placing his right foot in the stirrup, he mounted the horse, so that his face looked to the horse's tail. 'O Cogia,' said they, 'why do you mount the horse the wrong way?' 'It is not my fault,' said he, 'but the horse's, for the horse is left-handed.'

The Cogia had a disciple, who was an Abyssinian, black, of the name of Hamet. One day Hamet having inadvertently broken a bottle of ink over the Cogia, 'What is this, Cogia?' said the others. 'Don't you think a few good kicks would be a useful lesson to our Hamet?' 'Let him be. He got into a sweat by running,' said the Cogia, 'and melted over me.'

One day the Cogia having mounted up into the pulpit, said, 'O Mussulmen, I have a piece of advice to give you. If you have sons, take care that you do not give them the name of Eiioub (Job).' 'Why, O Cogia?' cried the people. 'Lest the quality should accompany the name,' he replied, 'and they should all become ips (ropes).'

One day as the Cogia was performing ablution, he found he had not sufficient water. When the hour of prayer came on, he stood like a goose on one foot. 'O Cogia Efendi,' said the people, 'why do you do so?' 'Because,' said the Cogia, 'this foot has not performed ablution.'

One day a man arriving, became the guest of the Cogia. It happened at night, some time after they had lain down, that the light went out. 'O Cogia Efendi,' said the guest, 'the taper is gone out. But there is a taper on your right side; pray bring it, and let us light it.' 'Surely you must be a fool,' said the Cogia. 'How should I know my right side in the dark?'

One day they said to the Cogia, 'Pray what may be your horoscope?' Said the Cogia, 'I was born under the sign of the He-goat.' 'O Cogia,' said they, 'there is no such sign as the He-goat.' Said the Cogia, 'When I was a child my mother had my horoscope taken, and at that time the Kid was in the ascension.' 'O Cogia,' said they, 'that's all right; but a kid is one thing and a he-goat is another.' Said the Cogia, 'O you simpletons! Forty or fifty years have passed since then. Must not the kid have become an old goat?'

One day whilst the Cogia was holding an oration at the Castle of Siouri, he was contradicted by the Soubashi or Superintendent. Shortly after, it happened that the Soubashi died and was buried; whereupon they said, 'Come, Efendi, preach a sermon over him.' 'You must find some one else,' said the Cogia. 'He won't mind my words, for he always contradicts me.'

One day two men were sitting together in a shop before their houses, engaged in discourse. Their houses abutted upon each other, and it so happened that a dog came and deposited his dirt on the ground in the middle of the street before their houses. Said one, 'It is nigh your house.' 'Nay, my good friend,' said the other, 'it is nearest to your house, so you must go and take it up.' So they got into a dispute; and not being able to settle it, they went before the Tribunal. Now it happened that the Cogia had come that day to pay a visit to the Cadi, and sat beside him. Said the Cadi to the Cogia, 'Do you decide upon their dispute.' Thereupon the Cogia said to them, 'Is not that street a public way?' 'It is,' said they. 'Then,' said he, 'one half of the perfumery belongs to you two and the other half to the Cadi.'

One day the Cogia put a yoke upon a calf which he had; the calf ran here and there. Forthwith the Cogia, seizing a stick, fell to banging his ox. 'O Cogia,' said the people, 'why do you beat the ox; how can he be in fault?' 'All the fault is his,' said the Cogia, 'if he had taught him the calf would have known how to turn.'

One day as the Cogia was travelling in the Derbend he met a shepherd. Said the shepherd to the Cogia, 'Art thou a faquir?' 'Yes,' said the Cogia. Said the shepherd, 'See these seven men who are lying here, they were men like you whom I killed because they could not answer questions which I asked. Now, in the first place let us come to an understanding; if you can answer my questions let us hold discourse, if not, let us say nothing.' Says the Cogia, 'What may your questions be?' Said the shepherd, 'The moon, when it is new, is small, afterwards it increases, until it looks like a wheel; after the fifteenth, it diminishes, and does not remain; then again, there is a little one, of the size of Hilal, which does remain. Now what becomes of the old moons?' Says the Cogia, 'How is it that you don't know a thing like that? They take those old moons and make lightning of them; have you not seen them when the heaven thunders, glittering like so many swords?' 'Bravo, Faquir,' said the shepherd. 'Well art thou acquainted with the matter, I had come to the same conclusion myself.'

Nasr Eddin Efendi, now with God, had a sum of money. One day, when all was quiet in the house, he dug in the earth and buried it; then going to the door he looked out and said, 'I'll suppose myself a thief, and that I find this, and forthwith take it away and bury it in another place, and my heart is no more troubled about it.' Thus saying, he came and took up his treasure. Now before the house there was a height, and the Cogia going to the garden of the house, cut a pole, and putting the money in a sack, tied the sack to the top of the pole, and bringing the pole, stuck it up on the top of the height; then going down he looked upwards and said, 'Unless a man is a bird he cannot fly up to that, I have surely chosen a good place,' and having said this, he went away. Now it happened that a thief saw all that Cogia did, and no sooner was the Cogia gone, than he climbed up the height and took down the money, and putting upon the top of the pole a quantity of bullock's dung, he stuck up the pole again and went his way. Some time afterwards the Cogia being in need of money, came to the foot of the pole and saw that all the money was gone, and that a quantity of bullock's dung was on the pole. Said he, 'I said that no man could mount this pole and take away the money, but how bullock's dung should get to the top of the pole is a very strange matter indeed. So,' said the Cogia, 'may the Lord have mercy upon him.'

One day as the Cogia was going to his house, he met a number of students, and said to them, 'Gentlemen, pray this night come to our house and taste a sup of the old father's broth.' 'Very good,' said the students, and following the Cogia, came to the house. 'Pray enter,' said he, and brought them into the house; then going up to where his wife was, 'O wife,' said he, 'I have brought some travellers that we may give them a cup of broth.' 'O master,' said his wife, 'is there oil in the house or rice, or have you brought any that you wish to have broth?' 'Bless me,' said the Cogia, 'give me the broth pan,' and snatching it up, he forthwith ran to where the students were, and exclaimed, 'Pray, pardon me, gentlemen, but had there been oil or rice in our house, this is the pan in which I would have served the broth up to you.'

One day the Cogia going into the kitchen of his house, laid himself down; presently the Cogia's daughter entering into the kitchen to fetch something, saw her father lying hidden behind a cask. 'O my lord and father, what do you do here?' said she. 'What could I better do to get out of your mother's way than come into this foreign country,' said the Cogia.

One day when the Cogia was in his chamber, a man knocked at the door of the house. 'What do you want?' said the Cogia from above. 'Come down,' said the man, who was a beggar. The Cogia forthwith came down and said, 'What do you want?' 'I want your charity,' said the man. 'Come upstairs,' said the Cogia. When the beggar had come up, the Cogia said, 'God help you.' 'O master,' said the other, 'why did you not say so below?' Said the Cogia, 'When I was above stairs, why did you bring me down.'

Once upon a time the wife of the Cogia was in labour; one day, two days, she sat upon the chair but could not bring forth; the women who attended her cried from the interior apartment to the Cogia: 'O master, do you know no prayer by means of which the child may be brought into the world?' 'I know a specific,' said the Cogia, and forthwith running to a grocer's shop he procured some walnuts, and bringing them he said, 'Make way,' and going into the room he spread the walnuts under the chair, and said: 'Now that the child sees the walnuts he will come out to play with them.'

One day the Cogia's wife, in order to plague the Cogia, boiled some broth exceedingly hot, brought it into the room and placed it on the table. The wife then, forgetting that it was hot, took a spoon and put some into her mouth, and, scalding herself, began to shed tears. 'O wife,' said the Cogia, 'what is the matter with you; is the broth hot?' 'Dear Efendi,' said the wife, 'my mother, who is now dead, loved broth very much; I thought of that, and wept on her account.' The Cogia thinking that what she said was truth, took a spoonful of the broth, and burning his mouth began to cry and bellow. 'What is the matter with you?' said his wife; 'why do you cry?' Said the Cogia, 'You cry because your mother is gone, but I cry because her daughter is here.'

One day the Cogia's wife went to the hall of preaching; and, after listening to the sermon, came home. Said the Cogia, 'O wife, what did the preacher say?' 'He said,' replied the wife, 'that if any one has a night's copulation with his lawful wife the Almighty God will build for him a mansion in paradise.' After they had gone to bed the Cogia said, 'Come, let us build a house in paradise.' Thereupon they copulated. Shortly afterwards the wife said, 'O Cogia, you have built a house for yourself, pray now build a house for me!' Said the Cogia, 'I could easily build a house for you, but I fear that I should have to build houses for your father and mother, and not only for them, but for all your family and relations, so that the Master Builder above would become angry. Come, one house must suffice for us two.'

One day the Cogia met a company of young students and said unto them, 'Pray come along with me to our house.' So he led them to the door of the house and then said, 'Pray stay here a little, whilst I go in.' Then going in he said, 'O wife, pray go and send those people away.' Whereupon the wife went and said, 'The Cogia is not come home.' Said the students, 'What do you mean by talking so? The Cogia came hither in our company.' 'He did not come,' said the wife. 'But he did,' said the students, and made a great outcry. The Cogia hearing a noise from above, thrust his head out of the window, exclaiming, 'Holloa, my men: what is all this dispute for? You must know that this house has two doors. No sooner did I come in by one than I left the house by the other.'

One day the son of the Cogia said, 'O Father, I know that I was begotten by you.' His mother becoming very angry, said, 'What nonsense is the brat talking that he calls himself the son of a whore?' Said the Cogia, 'O wife, don't be angry, he is a wise son if he knows what he says he does.'

Once on a time there was a drunken Governor of Siouri Castle. It happened one day that he lay in a state of drunkenness in the garden; and the Cogia taking a walk in the garden with Amad, came up and found him lying drunk and insensible. The Cogia instantly stripped him of his feradje or upper coat, and putting it on his own back, walked away. On the other hand, the Governor, on getting up, saw that he had lost his feradje, and going to his officers gave them the following command, 'Whomsoever you find with my feradje upon him, lay hold on and bring him before me.' The officials seeing the feradje on the back of the Cogia, made him their prisoner, and brought him before the Governor, who said to him, 'Ho, Cogia, where did you find that feradje?' 'As I was taking a walk with Amad,' said the Cogia, 'we saw a fellow lying drunk; whereupon Amad twice uncovered his breech, and I, taking off his feradje, went away with it. If it is yours, pray take it.' 'Oh no, it does not belong to me,' said the Governor.

One day the Cogia having lain down to sleep on the bank of a river imagined himself dead. An individual coming up said, 'I wonder where one could cross this water.' Said the Cogia, 'When I was alive I crossed over here, but now I can't tell you where you should cross.'

One day a Persian barber was shaving the Cogia's head. At every stroke of his razor he cut his head, and to every place which he cut he applied a piece of cotton. Said the Cogia to the barber, 'My good fellow, you had better sow half of my head with cotton and let me sow the other half with flax.'

One time the Cogia went to the well to draw water, but seeing the face of the moon reflected in the well, he exclaimed, 'The moon has fallen into the well, I must pull it out.' Then going home, he took a rope and hook, and returning, cast it into the well, where the hook became fastened against a stone. The Cogia, exerting all his might, pulled at the rope, once, twice, but at the second pulling the rope snapped, and he fell upon his back, and looking up into the heaven, saw the moon, whereupon he exclaimed, 'O praise and glory, I have suffered much pain, but the moon has got to its place again.'

One day the Cogia going into a person's garden climbed up into an apricot- tree and began to eat the apricots. The master coming said, 'Cogia, what are you doing here?' 'Dear me,' said the Cogia, 'don't you see that I am a nightingale sitting in the apricot-tree?' Said the gardener, 'Let me hear you sing.' The Cogia began to warble. Whereupon the other fell to laughing, and said, 'Do you call that singing?' 'I am a Persian nightingale,' said the Cogia, 'and Persian nightingales sing in this manner.'

The Cogia, now with God, was master of all learning, and perfect in every art. If some people should now say, 'We were in hope of receiving instruction from his sayings, but have read nothing but the ravings of madness'; and if they should require some other book of his utterances, we must tell them that he uttered nothing beyond what is noted here. Some people say that, whilst uttering what seemed madness, he was, in reality, divinely inspired, and that it was not madness but wisdom that he uttered. The mercy of God be upon him, mercy without bounds.