Chapter VI

Wilt thou, MONIMIA, shed a gracious tear
On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
Wilt thou strew flow'rs, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie light upon my breast!

A

PANEGYRIC

ON

OXFORD ALE.

BY A GENTLEMAN OF TRINITY COLL.

------------_Mea nec Falernæ
Temperant vites, neque Formiani
Pocula colles._ HORAT.

Balm of my cares, sweet solace of my toils,
Hail JUICE benignant! O'er the costly cups
Of riot-stirring wine, unwholsome draught,
Let Pride's loose sons prolong the wasteful night;
My sober ev'ning let the tankard bless,
With toast embrown'd, and fragrant nutmeg fraught,
While the rich draught with oft-repeated whiffs
Tobacco mild improves. Divine repast!
Where no crude surfeit, or intemperate joys
Of lawless Bacchus reign; but o'er my soul
A Calm Lethean creeps; in drowsy trance
Each thought subsides, and sweet oblivion wraps
My peaceful brain, as if the leaden rod
Of magic Morpheus o'er mine eyes had shed
Its opiate influence. What tho' sore ills
Oppress, dire want of chill-dispelling coals
Or chearful candle, (save the make-weight's gleam
Haply remaining) heart-rejoicing ALE
Chears the sad scene, and every want supplies.
Meantime, not mindless of the daily task
Of Tutor sage, upon the learned leaves
Of deep SMIGLECIUS much I meditate;
While ALE inspires, and lends its kindred aid,
The thought-perplexing labour to pursue,
Sweet Helicon of Logic! But if friends
Congenial call me from the toilsome page,
To pot-house I repair, the sacred haunt,
Where ALE, thy votaries in full resort,
Hold rites nocturnal. In capacious chair
Of monumental oak and antique mould,
That long has stood the rage of conquering years
Inviolate, (nor in more ample chair
Smoaks rosy Justice, when th' important cause,
Whether of hen-roost, or of mirthful rape,
In all the majesty of paunch he tries)
Studious of ease, and provident, I place
My gladsome limbs; while in repeated round
Returns replenish'd, the successive cup,
And the brisk fire conspires to genial joy:
While haply, to relieve the ling'ring hours
In innocent delight, amusive Putt
On smooth joint-stool in emblematic play
The vain vicissitudes of fortune shews.
Nor reck'ning, name tremendous, me disturbs,
Nor, call'd for, chills my breast with sudden fear;
While on the wonted door, expressive mark,
The frequent penny stands describ'd to view,
In snowy characters and graceful row.----
Hail, TICKING! surest guardian of distress!
Beneath thy shelter pennyless I quaff
The chearful cup, nor hear with hopeless heart
New oysters cry'd:--tho' much the poet's friend,
Ne'er yet attempted in poetic strain,
Accept this tribute of poetic praise!----
Nor Proctor thrice with vocal heel alarms
Our joys secure, nor deigns the lowly roof
Of pot-house snug to visit: wiser he
The splendid tavern haunts, or coffee-house
Of JAMES or JUGGINS, where the grateful breath
Of loath'd tobacco ne'er diffus'd its balm;
But the lewd spendthrift, falsely deem'd polite,
While steams around the fragrant Indian bowl,
Oft damns the vulgar sons of humbler ALE:
In vain----the Proctor's voice arrests their joys;
Just fate of wanton pride and loose excess!
Nor less by day delightful is thy draught,
All-pow'rful ALE! whose sorrow-soothing sweets
Oft I repeat in vacant afternoon,
When tatter'd stockings ask my mending hand
Not unexperienc'd; while the tedious toil
Slides unregarded. Let the tender swain
Each morn regale on nerve-relaxing tea,
Companion meet of languor-loving nymph:
Be mine each morn with eager appetite
And hunger undissembled, to repair
To friendly buttery; there on smoaking crust
And foaming ALE to banquet unrestrain'd,
Material breakfast! Thus in ancient days
Our ancestors robust with liberal cups
Usher'd the morn, unlike the squeamish sons
Of modern times: Nor ever had the might
Of Britons brave decay'd, had thus they fed
With British ALE improving British worth.
With ALE irriguous, undismay'd I hear
The frequent dun ascend my lofty dome
Importunate: whether the plaintive voice
Of laundress shrill awake my startled ear;
Or barber spruce with supple look intrude;
Or taylor with obsequious bow advance;
Or groom invade me with defying front
And stern demeanour, whose emaciate steeds
(Whene'er or Phoebus shone with kindlier beams,
Or luckier chance the borrow'd boots supply'd)
Had panted oft beneath my goring steal.
In vain they plead or threat: All-powerful ALE
Excuses new supplies, and each descends
With joyless pace, and debt-despairing looks:
E'en SPACEY with indignant brow retires,
Fiercest of duns! and conquer'd quits the field.
Why did the gods such various blessings pour
On hapless mortals, from their grateful hands
So soon the short-liv'd bounty to recall?----
Thus, while improvident of future ill,
I quaff the luscious tankard unrestrain'd,
And thoughtless riot in unlicens'd bliss;
Sudden (dire fate of all things excellent!)
Th' unpitying Bursar's cross-affixing hand
Blasts all my joys, and stops my glad career.
Nor now the friendly pot-house longer yields
A sure retreat, when night o'ershades the skies;
Nor SHEPPARD barbarous matron, longer gives
The wonted trust, and WINTER ticks no more.
Thus ADAM, exil'd from the beauteous scenes
Of Eden griev'd, no more in fragrant bow'r
On fruits divine to feast, fresh shade or vale,
No more to visit, or vine-mantled grot;
But, all forlorn, the dreary wilderness,
And unrejoicing solitudes to trace:
Thus too the matchless bard, whole lay resounds
The SPLENDID SHILLING'S praise, in nightly gloom
Of lonesome garret pin'd for chearful ALE;
Whose steps in verse Miltonic I pursue,
Mean follower, like him with honest love
Of ALE divine inspir'd, and love of song.
But long may bounteous heav'n with watchful care
Avert his hapless lot! Enough for me
That burning with congenial flame I dar'd
His guiding steps at distance to pursue,
And sing his favorite theme in kindred strains.

THE

PROGRESS OF DISCONTENT.

BY THE SAME.

When now, mature in classic knowledge,
The joyful youth is sent to college,
His father comes, an humble suitor,
With bows and speeches to his tutor,
"Sir, give me leave to recommend him,
"I'm sure you cannot but befriend him;
"I'll warrant that his good behav'our
"Shall justify your future favour;
"And for his parts, to tell the truth,
"My son's a very forward youth;
"He's young indeed, but has a spirit,
"And wants but means, to shew his merit;
"Has _Horace_ all by heart,--you'd wonder,
"And mouths out _Homer_'s greek like thunder.
"If you'd but venture to admit him,
"A scholarship would nicely fit him;
"That he succeeds 'tis ten to one,
"Your vote and interest, Sir,--'tis done."
Our candidate at length gets in,
A hopeful scholar of Coll. Trin.
A scholarship not half maintains,
And college-rules are heavy chains;
So scorning the late wish'd-for prize,
For a fat fellowship he sighs.
When, nine full tedious winters past,
His utmost wish is crown'd at last;
That utmost wish no sooner got,
Again he quarrels with his lot.--
"These fellowships are pretty things,
"We live indeed like petty kings;
"But who can bear to spend his whole age
"Amid the dullness of a college;
"Debarr'd the common joys of life,
"And what is worse than all--a wife!
"Would some snug benefice but fall,
"Ye feasts, and gaudies, farewell all!
"To offices I'd bid adieu
"Of Dean, Vice-Præs,--nay Bursar too;
"Come tithes, come glebe, come fields so pleasant,
"Come sports, come partridge, hare and pheasant."
Well--after waiting many a year,
A living falls,--two hundred clear.
With breast elite beyond expression,
He hurries down to take possession;
With rapture views the sweet retreat,--
"What a convenient house! how neat!
"The garden how compleatly plann'd!
"And is all this at my command!
"For fuel here's good store of wood,--
"Pray god, the cellars be but good!
Continuing this fantastic farce on,
He now commences country parson;
To make his character entire,
He weds a----cousin of the 'squire;
Not over-weighty in the purse;
But many doctors have done worse.
Content at first,--he taps his barrel,
Exhorts his neighbours not to quarrel;
Finds his church-wardens have discerning
Both in good liquor and good learning;
With tythes his barns replete he sees,
And chuckles o'er his surplice-fees;
Studies to find out latent dues,
Smokes with the 'squire,--and clips his yews;
Of Oxford pranks, facetious tells,
And, but on sundays, hears no bells.
But ah! too soon his thoughtless breast
By cares domestic is opprest;
Each day some scene of woe commences
By new and unforeseen expences;
And soon the butcher's bill, and brewing,
Threaten inevitable ruin;
For children more expences yet,
And Dickey now for school is fit.
"Why did I sell my college life
(He cries) "for benefice and wife!
"Oh could the days once more but come,
"When calm I smoak'd in common room,
"And din'd with breast untroubled, under
"The picture of our pious founder;
"When, for amusement, my tyrannic
"Sway could put freshmen in a pannic;
"When impositions were supplied
"To light my pipe--or sooth my pride!
"No cares of family oppress'd me,
"Nor wife by day--nor night distress'd me.
"Each day receiv'd successive pleasure,
"Or spent in reading, or in leisure;
"And every night I went to bed
"Without a christ'ning in my head."

O trifling head, and fickle heart!--
Chagrin'd at whatsoe'er thou art!
A dupe to follies yet untry'd,
And sick of pleasure's scarce enjoy'd;
Each prize obtain'd, thy rapture ceases,
And in the search alone it pleases.

ODE[14]

TO

ARTHUR ONSLOW, ESQ.

I.

This goodly frame what virtue so approves,
And testifies the pure etherial spirit
As mild Benevolence?
She with her sister Mercy still awaits
Beside th' eternal throne of Jove,
And measures forth with unwithdrawing hand
The blessings of the various year,
Sunshine or show'r, and chides the madding tempest.

II.

With her the heaven-bred nymph meek Charity,
Shall fashion ONSLOW forth in fairest portrait;
And with recording care
Weave the fresh wreath that flow'ring virtue claims.
But oh, what muse shall join the band?
He long has sojourn'd in the sacred haunts,
And knows each whisp'ring grot and glade
Trod by Apollo, and the light-foot Graces.

III.

How then shall awkward gratitude
And the presumption of untutor'd duty
Attune my numbers all too rude?
Little he recks the meed of such a song;
Yet will I stretch aloof,
And when I tell of Courtesy,
Of well-attemper'd Zeal,
Of awful Prudence soothing fell Contention,
Where shall the lineaments agree
But in thee, ONSLOW? You, your wonted leave
Indulge me, nor misdeem a Soldier's bold emprize;

IV.

Who in the dissonance of barb'rous war,
Long train'd, revisits oft the sacred treasures
Of antique memory;
Or where sage Pindar reins his fiery car,
Through the vast vault of heaven secure,
Or what the Attic muse that Homer fill'd,
Her other son, thy Milton taught,
Or range the flow'ry fields of gentle Spenser.

V.

And ever as I go, allurements vain
Cherish a feeble fire, and feed my idle
Fancy: O cou'd I once
Charm to their melody my shrilling reeds!
To HENRYS and to EDWARDS old,
Dread names! I'd meditate the faithful song;
Or tell what time BRITANNIA,
Whilom the fairest daughter of old Ocean,

VI.

In loathly disarray, dull eyes,
And faded cheek, wept o'er her abject sons:
Till WILLIAM, great deliverer,
Led on the comely train, gay Liberty,
Religion, matron staid,
With all her kindred goddesses;
Justice with steady brow,
Trim Plenty, laureat Peace, and green-hair'd Commerce,
In flowing vest of thousand hues.
Fain would I shadow out old Bourbon's pile
Tott'ring with doubtful weight, and threat'ning cumbrous fall;

VII.

Or trace our navy, where in tow'ring pride
O'er the wide-swelling waste it rolls avengeful.
As when collected clouds
Forth from the gloomy south in deep array,
Athwart the dark'ning landscape throng,
Fraught with loud storms, and thunder's dreadful peal,
At which the murd'rer stands aghast,
And wasting Riot ill dissembles terror.

VIII.

How headlong Rhone and Ebro erst distain'd
With moorish carnage, quakes thro' all her branches!
Soon shall I greet the morn,
When, Europe sav'd, BRITAIN and GEORGE'S name
Shall sound o'er Flandria's level field,
Familiar in domestic meriment;
Or by the jolly mariner
Be carol'd loud adown the echoing Danube.