Chapter X: If, Without Serious Inconvenience to Yourself, You Can

MANAGE TO REMAIN AT HOME, PLEASE DO.

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Never apologise before the offence is a good rule, and in certain circumstances a still better rule is, do not apologise at all. I have not the smallest intention of regretting anything that has been written in the foregoing chapters. But I am informed by a Scotchman who has been kind enough to read them in proof that there is some likelihood of their being misunderstood. This, of course, would be a thousand pities. So that I shall venture on what may be termed, for the want of a better phrase, an explanation. When Dr. Johnson was asked to explain his reasons for disliking the Scotch, his reply was of the vaguest. Lamb also did not quite know why he disliked them; and, on the whole, it is difficult to say flatly why one cannot get on with the simple child of Caledonia. As a matter of fact, my own antipathy always amuses me. Whether it will amuse the Scotch is another matter. But for the sake of their own peace of mind I should like to ask them not to jump to foolish conclusions about various hard things I have said. Since the time of Burns, Scotchmen appear to have yearned for some one who should show them their faults:

Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oorsels as ithers see us!

is as frequent on their lips as “The best laid schemes o’ mice and men,” “A man’s a man for a’ that,” and the rest of them. And, in this instance, I have simply done my best to play the rôle of “some power.” To put an ugly man in front of a mirror is not, perhaps, to do him the most tender of services, especially if you comment upon his style of beauty the while. For all that, I am hoping that in some small measure I may be doing great and useful things for the Scotch as a nation. If they would only be at a little pains to discover their faults and at a little more pains to correct them, one could encourage hopes for Scotland. “Much may be done with the Scotchman,” said Dr. Johnson, “if you catch him young,” or words to that effect. I am afraid that to all Scotchmen who have passed the age of forty the present volume will be a wasted lesson. But there appear to be a very large number of Scots who have not yet attained the prime of life, and it is among these that I expect my counsel to have effect. They really cannot do themselves the smallest hurt by taking to heart the warnings and advice which, as a result of great labour, are here put before them. Oh, my dear young Scottish friends, let me implore you to be wise in time. If I have beaten you with clubs, be assured that it is as much for your good as for my emolument. If you have bought this book, you never spent a few sixpences to better advantage in your life. If you have borrowed it, as I expect most of you have, you are forgiven, providing you will really try to mend. For all things to which I have set my hand that may cause you pain I am truly sorry. Yet, as the chastisers of one’s youth were wont to say, the punishment hurts me far more than it hurts you. I know you will believe me and do your best to love me. Whether you do or not, I shall ever continue to take a kindly interest in you and to pray for your general reform.

THE END

FOOTNOTES

[1] In a booklet entitled _The Kilt and How to Wear It_, the Hon. Stuart Erskine assures us that “in Scotland every man is a gentleman.” On the other hand, in England quite a number of Scotchmen seem to be doctors. I trust that I shall not be considered wanting in respect if I prefix the august, abdominal “Dr.” to the names of all Scotch gentlemen whom I have occasion to mention.

[2] _Vide_ that piece of arrant Jeromeism, _My Lady Nicotine_.

[3] Andrew Lang, “Magic Mirrors and Crystal-gazing,” _Monthly Review_, February, 1902.

[4] The Free University Education Scheme of Dr. Andrew Carnegie (many times millionaire, beloved of the American steel worker, and author of a book called _Triumphant Democracy_, if you please) will no doubt change all this.

[5] George Lockhart, _Memoirs Concerning the Affairs of Scotland from Queen Anne’s Accession to May, 1707_.

[6] John Hill Burton, D.C.L., LL.D., _The Scot Abroad_.

[7] “English and Scotch,” _The British Weekly_, January 16, 1902.

[8] “English and Scotch,” _The British Weekly_, January 16, 1902.

[9] “The Battle of Bannockburn was won by the Scotch in 1314. Here’s tae us, wha’s like us?”—_Scotch Toast._

[10] George Vivian Poore, _A Treatise on Medical Jurisprudence_, 1901.

[11] There are some people who think they sufficiently acquit themselves, and entertain their company, with relating facts of no consequence, but at all out of the road of such common incidents as happen every day; and this I have observed more frequently among the Scots than any other nation, who are very careful not to omit the minutest circumstances of time or place; which kind of discourse, if it were not a little relieved by the uncouth terms and phrases, as well as accent and gesture peculiar to that country, would be hardly tolerable.—Jonathan Swift, _Hints towards an Essay on Conversation_.

[12] Charles Lamb, _Essays of Elia_.

[13] Mr. Spielman has assured us that seventy-five per cent. of the jokes accepted from outsiders by _Punch_ come from Scotland; this, however, only tends to show that Lamb and Smith knew what they were talking about, for it is everywhere admitted that if you want humour, you must make a point of avoiding _Punch_.

[14] “It may be surely counted not without significance among ethnical phenomena that, though France has all along shown in her language the predominance of the Latin race, three infusions of northern blood had been successively poured into the country: first, the Franks; then the Normans; and, lastly, the Scots. It seems not unreasonable that these helped to communicate to the vivacity and impetuosity of the original race those qualifications of enterprise and endurance which were needed to make up the illustrious history of France.”—_The Scot Abroad._

[15] In the Embankment Gardens, London, there is a statue of Burns, on the pedestal of which appears the appended inscription:

“The Poetic Genius of my country found me at the plough and threw her inspiring mantle over me. She bade me sing the loves, the joys, the rural scenes, and rural pleasures of my native soil in my native tongue. I tuned my wild, artless notes as she inspired.”

Now any poet who can babble about his wild, artless notes is beyond praying for. I think this particular monument ought to be taken down.

[16] Albert Leffingwell, M.D., _Illegitimacy: Two Studies in Demography_.