Chapter XVI: Preparations for Festivities

While the two friends spent their time making love to the pretty goatherd, while Monsieur Férulus placed his grammars and his dictionaries on the dusty shelves of the library, while Mademoiselle Cheval exercised her talents in the kitchen and Cunette in the cellar, while the gardener was digging up the garden and the workmen were repairing the whole domain of La Roche-Noire, Robineau passed his time at the dinners and other parties which were given him at Saint-Amand, whither he went every day. Like all small provincial towns, the little town of Saint-Amand contained its proportion of originals, gossips, pretentious folk, and heads of families who had daughters to marry. Robineau was rich, he had just purchased a château, and he proposed taking a wife; that was more than was necessary for him to be fêted, made much of and invited everywhere.

Robineau created a sensation in every house that he visited; people said to themselves: "That is Monsieur de la Roche-Noire, the new owner of the château; he is rich and he means to marry; he told his notary, who told his clients, who told the rest of the town." All the young ladies glanced furtively at Robineau and assumed pretty little airs to attract that gentleman, who was not particularly fascinating; but it is so cruel to remain unmarried, and on the other hand so pleasant to have a château, and to be called Madame de la Roche-Noire, that those young ladies were very excusable for trying to captivate the newcomer. Their mammas also heaped attentions upon him; they applauded what he said and smiled at what he did. Even the widows darted at the new landed proprietor an occasional flashing or tender glance, accompanied by a stifled sigh; for many widows are not at all sorry to contract a second marriage, in order to divert their minds from their grief, if they have had a good husband; to recompense themselves, if they have had a bad one; or to draw distinctions, if they have had a passable one. Amid all these allurements, Robineau hardly knew where he was; he considered the soirées at Saint-Amand far preferable to the balls in Paris; he deemed himself at once an Apollo and a Voltaire, and did not reflect that it was his twenty-five thousand francs a year, which, in the eyes of many people, endowed him with charm, wit and learning; whereas in reality he was still as dull and as great a fool as ever! Bridoison declares that that is the sort of thing which people say to themselves; but there are many people still, who never do.

Robineau, thus fawned upon, flattered and courted as an oracle, and at a loss to know in which direction to throw the handkerchief, determined meanwhile to return the courtesies which he had received from the society of the town; he spurred the workmen on when he was at the château, and when he left it, he instructed his librarian to take his place and to hurry the work along. The librarian, who had as yet succeeded in collecting only twenty-three volumes in the library, was not sorry to have another position to fill and to be monseigneur’s man of business as well. Through his efforts, two young Auvergnats were placed under Mademoiselle Cheval’s orders, as scullions; for the scholar began his improvements in the culinary department. Next he inspected the cellars, and required the keys to be placed in his hands, to the intense disgust of Monsieur Cunette. But Monsieur Férulus had read somewhere that the great noblemen had _officiers de bouche_, and he declared that butlers were just that; consequently, he took that position upon himself also. He hired two new servants, who were to act as coachman and as footman; he suggested to Robineau to purchase a small horse and a chaise, in which he made his daily visits to the town. Lastly, a stout girl of twenty years was retained as assistant to Monsieur Vincent, who was forever saying that he could not do everything; and the new gardener was expected, when she should be called upon, to warm the beds and warm Monsieur de la Roche-Noire’s feet. This clause was expressly stipulated by Monsieur Férulus when he engaged the peasant girl; "for," said he, "servants used to do that for their masters, when they needed it; and Monsieur de la Roche-Noire and I have agreed to reëstablish the praiseworthy customs of ancient times."

The stout girl, who had engaged to do everything,--like the young ladies who advertise in the Petites-Affiches,--promised to do whatever was wanted, and the librarian-man of business-butler installed Jeannette at the château.

After a few days, the château assumed a much more attractive aspect; one could ascend the staircase without the risk of falling; the walls were repaired, and fresh papers replaced those blackened by time; the windows were provided with glass, the doors could be closed, and the wind could not be felt in every corner. Robineau concluded that he could safely give the party which he had promised to the swell society of the town. His household was established, his cellar supplied, the servants had their livery, the garden was despoiled of beets in a large measure, and embellished with new flowers; and lastly, Monsieur Férulus had written some poetry for the occasion. Robineau fixed the day, and despatched his invitations, and everything was made ready at the château for that grand event, in which the new proprietor proposed to demonstrate at once his good taste, his refinement and his magnificence.

On returning from the valley of Chadrat, Alfred and Edouard were not a little surprised to find everything up in arms at the château; servants were running hither and thither, setting up in the courtyard posts upon which lamps were fixed; stringing cords, with colored lanterns attached, along the garden paths; and in the midst of it all, Monsieur Férulus, holding a book in one hand and a corkscrew in the other, went from this person to that person, issuing orders and wiping his brow with the end of his sleeve, because, presumably, he had not yet taken charge of the handkerchief department.

"Bless my soul! what is going to happen here?" asked Alfred.

"Can it be that Monsieur Jules de la Roche-Noire is going to be married?" said Edouard.

"Messieurs," said Férulus, "I have read in some Italian author--as he said this he waved his corkscrew--‘_Lontano dagli occhi, lontano dal cuore!_’ You, messieurs, are away from the château all day, and consequently you cannot know what is in preparation here. But here is Monseigneur de la Roche-Noire, who will inform you."

Robineau was in fact coming toward the young men at that moment.

"Upon my word, messieurs," he said, "you are very agreeable! I never see you now; you start off in the morning to go--I have a shrewd idea where! If I had not had Monsieur Férulus, this estimable scholar who has established my household upon a magnificent footing, I should never have got through with it. I hope that to-morrow at least you will be kind enough not to absent yourselves. I am giving a party--a magnificent dinner, a ball, and games of all sorts; the entertainment will begin at noon precisely; is that not so, Monsieur Férulus?"

"Yes, monseigneur; at noon the cannon, that is to say, three muskets fired spontaneously, will give the signal for the party."

"Mon Dieu! it is after the style of the Tivoli at Paris," said Alfred.

"First of all," continued Férulus, "a foot race in the gardens, followed by homage to the ladies."

"What is this homage to the ladies to be, Monsieur Férulus?"

"A bouquet presented to each one of them, monseigneur, in which there will be a little compliment in verse, of my composition."

"That will be very gallant."

"In order that there may be no jealousy, I shall put the same compliment in each bouquet. Next, a foot race through the apartments of the château."

"Ah! Monsieur Férulus," said Alfred, "you should have made it a horse race; it would have been more exciting."

"Next, refreshments of all sorts, consisting of red wine and water, distributed to all the company; then a little concert, performed under the windows of the balcony."

"Monsieur Férulus," said Robineau, "I won’t have bagpipes. The villagers hereabout are very obliging, but I remember my first party, and I don’t propose that those fellows shall dance here again."

"Never fear, monseigneur, they will not dance; they will come into the courtyard simply to be present at the games and to see the greased pole."

"Ah! We are to have a greased pole, are we?"

"Yes, monseigneur, we shall have two, in fact; I thought that it would be courteous to have one for the men and one for the ladies."

"Parbleu!" said Alfred, "I have never yet seen women climbing a greased pole; but it cannot fail to be very amusing. You will supply them with drawers, I presume, Monsieur Férulus?"

"I have not gone into those details, monsieur; but in order that it may be easier for the ladies to reach the top, I have conceived rather a happy idea: while the men’s pole will be greased and rubbed with soap, I shall have the ladies’ pole rubbed with honey from top to bottom; in that way, they will be able to ascend as easily as if it were a ladder."

"That is altogether novel!" said Robineau; "and what are the prizes to be?"

"Superb, monseigneur! a _Syntax_ and the _De Viris Illustribus_ for the men; the _Explanation of Participles_ and the _Cuisinière Bourgeoise_ for the ladies."

"The Auvergnats who win those will be well pleased!" said Edouard.

"What next, my dear friend?" said Robineau.

"Next, monseigneur, to take the place of tournaments, which we could not give for lack of knights, it occurred to me that you would not be sorry to have an imitation of the gymnastic games, as they used to be performed at the festival of Eleusis, and even before the Roman Emperors. Consequently, some Auvergnats, to whom I have given full instructions, will execute in the courtyard such sports as throwing the discus, foot-races, wrestling and boxing."

"You won’t serve them with anything to drink beforehand, I trust!"

"No, monseigneur! Next, flourishes, executed by the three musicians whom I have hired in the town, will announce that the banquet is served. At dessert, I shall sing couplets in your honor, and you will be kind enough to encore the last--that is always done."

"Very well, that is understood."

"Next, monseigneur, we shall go to the ball room, which will be decorated as the Greeks used to decorate the places devoted to such assemblages: flowers, garlands, and mottoes everywhere."

"You will have the mottoes written in French, won’t you, Monsieur Férulus?"

"No, monseigneur, in Latin and Greek, that is more dignified."

"Never mind, do me the favor to write them in French; otherwise, if the ladies should ask me for their meaning, it might embarrass me."

"If you absolutely insist upon it----"

"Yes, I insist upon it. What next?"

"Next, monseigneur, a bomb, fired in your courtyard, will announce the fireworks, which will crown that beautiful day by a rain of fire."

"A rain of fire! The deuce! You will take care that it doesn’t rain on the company."

"I will answer for everything, monseigneur; I, myself, shall handle the fireworks, and I am as expert at it as if I had invented powder."

"Well, messieurs, what do you think of this fête?" said Robineau, rubbing his hands in high glee.

"I hope that you will distribute programmes," said Alfred. "But who are to be your guests to-morrow, pray?"

"All the best people of Saint-Amand: nobles, people of great wealth, and men of great merit. You will see, messieurs, that all the agreeable people are not in Paris. And the women too! Dieu! you will see women of all colors!"

"What! do you mean that you expect to have Africans, mulattoes?"

"No, not that; I mean that you will see beauties of all types; and such wit! and such style! It’s a pity that we haven’t adopted the custom of Turkey; if we had, I would marry twelve wives instead of one, for upon my word, there are more than twelve of whom I have made the conquest. But above all, there is a certain Mademoiselle de la Pincerie. Ah! as for her, I believe that I have dealt her the fatal blow, and she has excited my imagination considerably, too!"

"Who is this Mademoiselle de la Pincerie?"

"She is a charming young lady: tall, well-built and stately, and dances like a fairy! In short, she is Mademoiselle Cornélie de la Pincerie, daughter of Monsieur le Marquis de la Pincerie, of one of the oldest families in Poitou, who settled in Auvergne because they found that butter was cheaper here. It was the father who told me that; he is a very profound thinker, a great political economist. For forty-three years he has been working at a philanthropic project, tending to prove that one can make soup with nothing but a calf’s foot, which would effect a great saving in soup stock!"

"Deuce take it! It is very unfortunate for the oxen that he has not finished that work yet!"

"There’s another daughter too, but she is a widow: very good-looking still, but rather a flirt, I am inclined to think. And then there is a brother of the marquis; and he is good nature personified! However, messieurs, you will see the whole family to-morrow; indeed, I intend to ask them to pass some time at my château."

The young men were about to leave the courtyard, when Monsieur Férulus, who had disappeared for a moment, ran back and detained Robineau, saying:

"You know, Monseigneur de la Roche-Noire, that I have engaged a full staff of servants; but you have not yet had the opportunity to see them all. By the way, I have deemed it proper to give them names more befitting their employment than those which they formerly bore. I have just called your household together in the large gallery; do you care to pass them in review?"

"It seems to me that that is the correct thing to do," said Robineau; "I ought at least to know all the people who are in my pay. Let us go to pass my servants in review."

They went to the gallery, where all the domestics of the château were assembled. Monsieur Férulus, who was very fond of ceremonials, had drawn up all the servants in a line, ordering each of them to hold in his hand some implement of his profession. The concierge had his keys, the gardener a spade, François a switch for beating clothes, the coachman a whip, the groom a cap, the scullions larding-needles, Mademoiselle Cheval a saucepan, and Jeannette, who had found no warming pan in the château, held a foot-warmer under her arm.

"Excellent! this looks exceedingly well," said Robineau, halting in front of them; "nine servants, to say nothing of the horses and dogs; that is very nice."

"Allow me, monseigneur, to tell you the new name of each one," said Férulus; and taking his stand before one after another, and pointing to them with a stick, as if he were exhibiting wax figures, he began with the concierge.

"This, monseigneur, is your concierge. Instead of Cunette, an unseemly name, which suggests a rebus, we will call him, with your permission, Custos, which, as you well know, is the Latin for guardian;--you hear, your name is Custos."

"My name is Cunette," cried the concierge; "and I maintain that it is a better name than your Cudechausse."

"I tell you it is Custos, you ignoramus."

"But----"

"Silence!--This, monseigneur, who is your gardener, is named Olitor, the real name of his profession. Olitor, present your spade."

"What nonsense is that you are talking?" said the gardener angrily; "my name is Vincent. What have you to say against that name? Do you suppose that at my age you are going to stuff a new one into my ears?"

"Olitor, my dear fellow, is very easy to say."

"Catch me answer that name! It’s a dog’s name."

"It’s a gardener’s name; just look in the dictionary."

"Oh! let me alone! Do you suppose dictionaries grow in my garden?"

"I tell you that you are called Olitor by monseigneur’s orders."

"And I tell you that our master can’t order such silly nonsense as that!"

"Silly nonsense! The fruit of my long investigation!"

"My dear Férulus," said Robineau, stepping forward majestically, "I do justice to your learning, and I know that so far as erudition is concerned you could swallow all these fellows without winking; but I shall not give new names to my servants; it would be likely to mix me all up; so I shall simply call them by the name of their profession, that is to say, concierge, gardener, valet; I like that better."

"_Vive monseigneur!_" said Cunette, tossing his hat in the air; while Férulus turned away, muttering between his teeth:

"This is what comes of taking pains to establish a household with taste! This is the way learning is encouraged! _Numerus stultorum est infinitus!_"

Robineau, having made the acquaintance of all the rest of his new servants, came to Jeannette, who was the last in the line, and who presented the foot-warmer to him.

"What is that thing, my dear?" said Robineau, as he looked at it.

"Why, monseigneur, it is an _attribute_, as that gentleman all dressed in black called it, who engaged me to work for you."

"What, do you mean that you have entered my service to hand me foot-warmers? It seems to me that in summer you might find something better to do than that."

"Monseigneur de la Roche-Noire, that is a figure of speech," said Férulus, stepping forward; "this girl is here to do everything, and principally to warm the bed when you want it done; but as I could find no warming pan at the moment, she offers you the implement of her duties."

"Yes, monseigneur, I will warm you," said Jeannette with a curtsy.

"Monseigneur," continued Férulus, "Agar performed that service for Abraham, Ruth for Boaz, Bathsheba for David, and I do not see why Jeannette should not perform it for your lordship."

"I don’t see either," said Robineau, "and I highly approve the creation of this position in my château.--Well, my friends, be zealous and active, and above all things see to it that to-morrow you work with redoubled zest and do not get drunk."

As he said this, Robineau walked away with his two friends. The servants returned to their work, and Monsieur Férulus went to Jeannette and whispered in her ear:

"You will warm my bed this evening."

"What, monsieur, already? in such warm weather as this? it’s early in September."

"That proves nothing; it may be hot and still be damp."

"But, monsieur, I can’t find any warming pan."

"Never mind, my dear girl, at your age the centre of gravity should be warm enough to take the place of one."

"What’s the centre of gravity, monsieur?"

"What you sit down on, Jeannette."

"What, monsieur,--you want me to warm your bed with my----"

"Even so, my dear; that is the way beds were always warmed in ancient times, for in ancient times there were no warming pans."

"Then it’s all right, monsieur."

"Oh! by the way, Jeannette, you will be careful to leave the warming pan in the bed, so that I shall find it there when I retire."

Jeannette opened her eyes and curtsied, while Monsieur Férulus walked away playing with his corkscrew.