Chapter II: Front Matter (2)

So thoroughly astonished was the whole company at this ascent, that a dead
silence, of about a minute’s duration, ensued. It was broken by just such
a low, harsh, grating sound, as had before attracted the attention of the
king and his councillors when the former threw the wine in the face of
Trippetta. But, on the present occasion, there could be no question as to
whence the sound issued. It came from the fang-like teeth of the
dwarf, who ground them and gnashed them as he foamed at the mouth, and
glared, with an expression of maniacal rage, into the upturned
countenances of the king and his seven companions.

“Ah, ha!” said at length the infuriated jester. “Ah, ha! I begin to see
who these people are now!” Here, pretending to scrutinize the king more
closely, he held the flambeau to the flaxen coat which enveloped him, and
which instantly burst into a sheet of vivid flame. In less than half a
minute the whole eight ourang-outangs were blazing fiercely, amid the
shrieks of the multitude who gazed at them from below, horror-stricken,
and without the power to render them the slightest assistance.

At length the flames, suddenly increasing in virulence, forced the jester
to climb higher up the chain, to be out of their reach; and, as he made
this movement, the crowd again sank, for a brief instant, into silence.
The dwarf seized his opportunity, and once more spoke:

“I now see distinctly,” he said, “what manner of people these maskers are.
They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors,—a king who
does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors
who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the
jester—and this is my last jest.”

Owing to the high combustibility of both the flax and the tar to which it
adhered, the dwarf had scarcely made an end of his brief speech before the
work of vengeance was complete. The eight corpses swung in their chains, a
fetid, blackened, hideous, and indistinguishable mass. The cripple hurled
his torch at them, clambered leisurely to the ceiling, and disappeared
through the sky-light.

It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof of the saloon, had
been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that,
together, they effected their escape to their own country; for neither was
seen again.

THE MAN OF THE CROWD.

Ce grand malheur, de ne pouvoir être seul.—_La Bruyère_.

It was well said of a certain German book that “_er lasst sich nicht
lesen_”—it does not permit itself to be read. There are some
secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. Men die nightly in
their beds, wringing the hands of ghostly confessors and looking them
piteously in the eyes—die with despair of heart and convulsion of
throat, on account of the hideousness of mysteries which will not suffer
themselves to be revealed. Now and then, alas, the conscience of man takes
up a burthen so heavy in horror that it can be thrown down only into the
grave. And thus the essence of all crime is undivulged.

Not long ago, about the closing in of an evening in autumn, I sat at the
large bow window of the D—— Coffee-House in London. For some
months I had been ill in health, but was now convalescent, and, with
returning strength, found myself in one of those happy moods which are so
precisely the converse of _ennui_—moods of the keenest
appetency, when the film from the mental vision departs—the
αχλυξ η πριυ
επῆευ—and the intellect, electrified,
surpasses as greatly its every-day condition, as does the vivid yet
candid reason of Leibnitz, the mad and flimsy rhetoric of Gorgias. Merely
to breathe was enjoyment; and I derived positive pleasure even from many
of the legitimate sources of pain. I felt a calm but inquisitive interest
in every thing. With a cigar in my mouth and a newspaper in my lap, I had
been amusing myself for the greater part of the afternoon, now in poring
over advertisements, now in observing the promiscuous company in the
room, and now in peering through the smoky panes into the street.

This latter is one of the principal thoroughfares of the city, and had
been very much crowded during the whole day. But, as the darkness came on,
the throng momently increased; and, by the time the lamps were well
lighted, two dense and continuous tides of population were rushing past
the door. At this particular period of the evening I had never before been
in a similar situation, and the tumultuous sea of human heads filled me,
therefore, with a delicious novelty of emotion. I gave up, at length, all
care of things within the hotel, and became absorbed in contemplation of
the scene without.

At first my observations took an abstract and generalizing turn. I looked
at the passengers in masses, and thought of them in their aggregate
relations. Soon, however, I descended to details, and regarded with minute
interest the innumerable varieties of figure, dress, air, gait, visage,
and expression of countenance.

By far the greater number of those who went by had a satisfied
business-like demeanor, and seemed to be thinking only of making their way
through the press. Their brows were knit, and their eyes rolled quickly;
when pushed against by fellow-wayfarers they evinced no symptom of
impatience, but adjusted their clothes and hurried on. Others, still a
numerous class, were restless in their movements, had flushed faces, and
talked and gesticulated to themselves, as if feeling in solitude on
account of the very denseness of the company around. When impeded in their
progress, these people suddenly ceased muttering, but re-doubled their
gesticulations, and awaited, with an absent and overdone smile upon the
lips, the course of the persons impeding them. If jostled, they bowed
profusely to the jostlers, and appeared overwhelmed with confusion.—There
was nothing very distinctive about these two large classes beyond what I
have noted. Their habiliments belonged to that order which is pointedly
termed the decent. They were undoubtedly noblemen, merchants, attorneys,
tradesmen, stock-jobbers—the Eupatrids and the common-places of
society—men of leisure and men actively engaged in affairs of their
own—conducting business upon their own responsibility. They did not
greatly excite my attention.

The tribe of clerks was an obvious one and here I discerned two remarkable
divisions. There were the junior clerks of flash houses—young
gentlemen with tight coats, bright boots, well-oiled hair, and
supercilious lips. Setting aside a certain dapperness of carriage, which
may be termed deskism for want of a better word, the manner of these
persons seemed to me an exact fac-simile of what had been the perfection
of bon ton about twelve or eighteen months before. They wore the cast-off
graces of the gentry;—and this, I believe, involves the best
definition of the class.

The division of the upper clerks of staunch firms, or of the “steady old
fellows,” it was not possible to mistake. These were known by their coats
and pantaloons of black or brown, made to sit comfortably, with white
cravats and waistcoats, broad solid-looking shoes, and thick hose or
gaiters. They had all slightly bald heads, from which the right
ears, long used to pen-holding, had an odd habit of standing off on end. I
observed that they always removed or settled their hats with both hands,
and wore watches, with short gold chains of a substantial and ancient
pattern. Theirs was the affectation of respectability—if indeed
there be an affectation so honorable.

There were many individuals of dashing appearance, whom I easily
understood as belonging to the race of swell pick-pockets with which all
great cities are infested. I watched these gentry with much
inquisitiveness, and found it difficult to imagine how they should ever be
mistaken for gentlemen by gentlemen themselves. Their voluminousness of
wristband, with an air of excessive frankness, should betray them at once.

The gamblers, of whom I descried not a few, were still more easily
recognisable. They wore every variety of dress, from that of the
desperate thimble-rig bully, with velvet waistcoat, fancy neckerchief,
gilt chains, and filagreed buttons, to that of the scrupulously inornate
clergyman, than which nothing could be less liable to suspicion. Still
all were distinguished by a certain sodden swarthiness of complexion, a
filmy dimness of eye, and pallor and compression of lip. There were two
other traits, moreover, by which I could always detect them: a guarded
lowness of tone in conversation, and a more than ordinary extension of
the thumb in a direction at right angles with the fingers. Very often, in
company with these sharpers, I observed an order of men somewhat
different in habits, but still birds of a kindred feather. They may be
defined as the gentlemen who live by their wits. They seem to prey upon
the public in two battalions—that of the dandies and that of the
military men. Of the first grade the leading features are long locks and
smiles; of the second, frogged coats and frowns.

Descending in the scale of what is termed gentility, I found darker and
deeper themes for speculation. I saw Jew pedlars, with hawk eyes flashing
from countenances whose every other feature wore only an expression of
abject humility; sturdy professional street beggars scowling upon
mendicants of a better stamp, whom despair alone had driven forth into the
night for charity; feeble and ghastly invalids, upon whom death had placed
a sure hand, and who sidled and tottered through the mob, looking every
one beseechingly in the face, as if in search of some chance consolation,
some lost hope; modest young girls returning from long and late labor to a
cheerless home, and shrinking more tearfully than indignantly from the
glances of ruffians, whose direct contact, even, could not be avoided;
women of the town of all kinds and of all ages—the unequivocal
beauty in the prime of her womanhood, putting one in mind of the statue in
Lucian, with the surface of Parian marble, and the interior filled with
filth—the loathsome and utterly lost leper in rags—the
wrinkled, bejewelled and paint-begrimed beldame, making a last effort at
youth—the mere child of immature form, yet, from long association,
an adept in the dreadful coquetries of her trade, and burning with a rabid
ambition to be ranked the equal of her elders in vice; drunkards
innumerable and indescribable—some in shreds and patches, reeling,
inarticulate, with bruised visage and lack-lustre eyes—some in whole
although filthy garments, with a slightly unsteady swagger, thick sensual
lips, and hearty-looking rubicund faces—others clothed in materials
which had once been good, and which even now were scrupulously well
brushed—men who walked with a more than naturally firm and springy
step, but whose countenances were fearfully pale, whose eyes hideously
wild and red, and who clutched with quivering fingers, as they strode
through the crowd, at every object which came within their reach; beside
these, pie-men, porters, coal-heavers, sweeps; organ-grinders,
monkey-exhibitors, and ballad mongers, those who vended with those who
sang; ragged artizans and exhausted laborers of every description, and all
full of a noisy and inordinate vivacity which jarred discordantly upon the
ear, and gave an aching sensation to the eye.

As the night deepened, so deepened to me the interest of the scene; for
not only did the general character of the crowd materially alter (its
gentler features retiring in the gradual withdrawal of the more orderly
portion of the people, and its harsher ones coming out into bolder relief,
as the late hour brought forth every species of infamy from its den,) but
the rays of the gas-lamps, feeble at first in their struggle with the
dying day, had now at length gained ascendancy, and threw over every thing
a fitful and garish lustre. All was dark yet splendid—as that ebony
to which has been likened the style of Tertullian.

The wild effects of the light enchained me to an examination of individual
faces; and although the rapidity with which the world of light flitted
before the window, prevented me from casting more than a glance upon each
visage, still it seemed that, in my then peculiar mental state, I could
frequently read, even in that brief interval of a glance, the history of
long years.

With my brow to the glass, I was thus occupied in scrutinizing the mob,
when suddenly there came into view a countenance (that of a decrepid old
man, some sixty-five or seventy years of age,)—a countenance which
at once arrested and absorbed my whole attention, on account of the
absolute idiosyncrasy of its expression. Any thing even remotely
resembling that expression I had never seen before. I well remember that
my first thought, upon beholding it, was that Retzch, had he viewed it,
would have greatly preferred it to his own pictural incarnations of the
fiend. As I endeavored, during the brief minute of my original survey, to
form some analysis of the meaning conveyed, there arose confusedly and
paradoxically within my mind, the ideas of vast mental power, of caution,
of penuriousness, of avarice, of coolness, of malice, of blood
thirstiness, of triumph, of merriment, of excessive terror, of intense—of
supreme despair. I felt singularly aroused, startled, fascinated. “How
wild a history,” I said to myself, “is written within that bosom!” Then
came a craving desire to keep the man in view—to know more of him.
Hurriedly putting on an overcoat, and seizing my hat and cane, I made my
way into the street, and pushed through the crowd in the direction which I
had seen him take; for he had already disappeared. With some little
difficulty I at length came within sight of him, approached, and followed
him closely, yet cautiously, so as not to attract his attention.

I had now a good opportunity of examining his person. He was short in
stature, very thin, and apparently very feeble. His clothes, generally,
were filthy and ragged; but as he came, now and then, within the strong
glare of a lamp, I perceived that his linen, although dirty, was of
beautiful texture; and my vision deceived me, or, through a rent in a
closely-buttoned and evidently second-handed roquelaire which enveloped
him, I caught a glimpse both of a diamond and of a dagger. These
observations heightened my curiosity, and I resolved to follow the
stranger whithersoever he should go.

It was now fully night-fall, and a thick humid fog hung over the city,
soon ending in a settled and heavy rain. This change of weather had an odd
effect upon the crowd, the whole of which was at once put into new
commotion, and overshadowed by a world of umbrellas. The waver, the
jostle, and the hum increased in a tenfold degree. For my own part I did
not much regard the rain—the lurking of an old fever in my system
rendering the moisture somewhat too dangerously pleasant. Tying a
handkerchief about my mouth, I kept on. For half an hour the old man held
his way with difficulty along the great thoroughfare; and I here walked
close at his elbow through fear of losing sight of him. Never once turning
his head to look back, he did not observe me. By and by he passed into a
cross street, which, although densely filled with people, was not quite so
much thronged as the main one he had quitted. Here a change in his
demeanor became evident. He walked more slowly and with less object than
before—more hesitatingly. He crossed and re-crossed the way
repeatedly without apparent aim; and the press was still so thick that, at
every such movement, I was obliged to follow him closely. The street was a
narrow and long one, and his course lay within it for nearly an hour,
during which the passengers had gradually diminished to about that number
which is ordinarily seen at noon in Broadway near the park—so vast a
difference is there between a London populace and that of the most
frequented American city. A second turn brought us into a square,
brilliantly lighted, and overflowing with life. The old manner of the
stranger re-appeared. His chin fell upon his breast, while his eyes rolled
wildly from under his knit brows, in every direction, upon those who
hemmed him in. He urged his way steadily and perseveringly. I was
surprised, however, to find, upon his having made the circuit of the
square, that he turned and retraced his steps. Still more was I astonished
to see him repeat the same walk several times—once nearly detecting
me as he came round with a sudden movement.

In this exercise he spent another hour, at the end of which we met with
far less interruption from passengers than at first. The rain fell fast;
the air grew cool; and the people were retiring to their homes. With a
gesture of impatience, the wanderer passed into a by-street comparatively
deserted. Down this, some quarter of a mile long, he rushed with an
activity I could not have dreamed of seeing in one so aged, and which put
me to much trouble in pursuit. A few minutes brought us to a large and
busy bazaar, with the localities of which the stranger appeared well
acquainted, and where his original demeanor again became apparent, as he
forced his way to and fro, without aim, among the host of buyers and
sellers.

During the hour and a half, or thereabouts, which we passed in this place,
it required much caution on my part to keep him within reach without
attracting his observation. Luckily I wore a pair of caoutchouc
over-shoes, and could move about in perfect silence. At no moment did he
see that I watched him. He entered shop after shop, priced nothing, spoke
no word, and looked at all objects with a wild and vacant stare. I was now
utterly amazed at his behavior, and firmly resolved that we should not
part until I had satisfied myself in some measure respecting him.

A loud-toned clock struck eleven, and the company were fast deserting the
bazaar. A shop-keeper, in putting up a shutter, jostled the old man, and
at the instant I saw a strong shudder come over his frame. He hurried into
the street, looked anxiously around him for an instant, and then ran with
incredible swiftness through many crooked and people-less lanes, until we
emerged once more upon the great thoroughfare whence we had started—the
street of the D—— Hotel. It no longer wore, however, the same
aspect. It was still brilliant with gas; but the rain fell fiercely, and
there were few persons to be seen. The stranger grew pale. He walked
moodily some paces up the once populous avenue, then, with a heavy sigh,
turned in the direction of the river, and, plunging through a great
variety of devious ways, came out, at length, in view of one of the
principal theatres. It was about being closed, and the audience were
thronging from the doors. I saw the old man gasp as if for breath while he
threw himself amid the crowd; but I thought that the intense agony of his
countenance had, in some measure, abated. His head again fell upon his
breast; he appeared as I had seen him at first. I observed that he now
took the course in which had gone the greater number of the audience—but,
upon the whole, I was at a loss to comprehend the waywardness of his
actions.

As he proceeded, the company grew more scattered, and his old uneasiness
and vacillation were resumed. For some time he followed closely a party of
some ten or twelve roisterers; but from this number one by one dropped
off, until three only remained together, in a narrow and gloomy lane
little frequented. The stranger paused, and, for a moment, seemed lost in
thought; then, with every mark of agitation, pursued rapidly a route which
brought us to the verge of the city, amid regions very different from
those we had hitherto traversed. It was the most noisome quarter of
London, where every thing wore the worst impress of the most deplorable
poverty, and of the most desperate crime. By the dim light of an
accidental lamp, tall, antique, worm-eaten, wooden tenements were seen
tottering to their fall, in directions so many and capricious that scarce
the semblance of a passage was discernible between them. The paving-stones
lay at random, displaced from their beds by the rankly-growing grass.
Horrible filth festered in the dammed-up gutters. The whole atmosphere
teemed with desolation. Yet, as we proceeded, the sounds of human life
revived by sure degrees, and at length large bands of the most abandoned
of a London populace were seen reeling to and fro. The spirits of the old
man again flickered up, as a lamp which is near its death hour. Once more
he strode onward with elastic tread. Suddenly a corner was turned, a blaze
of light burst upon our sight, and we stood before one of the huge
suburban temples of Intemperance—one of the palaces of the fiend,
Gin.

It was now nearly day-break; but a number of wretched inebriates still
pressed in and out of the flaunting entrance. With a half shriek of joy
the old man forced a passage within, resumed at once his original
bearing, and stalked backward and forward, without apparent object, among
the throng. He had not been thus long occupied, however, before a rush to
the doors gave token that the host was closing them for the night. It was
something even more intense than despair that I then observed upon the
countenance of the singular being whom I had watched so pertinaciously.
Yet he did not hesitate in his career, but, with a mad energy, retraced
his steps at once, to the heart of the mighty London. Long and swiftly he
fled, while I followed him in the wildest amazement, resolute not to
abandon a scrutiny in which I now felt an interest all-absorbing. The sun
arose while we proceeded, and, when we had once again reached that most
thronged mart of the populous town, the street of the D——
Hotel, it presented an appearance of human bustle and activity scarcely
inferior to what I had seen on the evening before. And here, long, amid
the momently increasing confusion, did I persist in my pursuit of the
stranger. But, as usual, he walked to and fro, and during the day did not
pass from out the turmoil of that street. And, as the shades of the
second evening came on, I grew wearied unto death, and, stopping fully in
front of the wanderer, gazed at him steadfastly in the face. He noticed
me not, but resumed his solemn walk, while I, ceasing to follow, remained
absorbed in contemplation. “This old man,” I said at length,
“is the type and the genius of deep crime. He refuses to be alone.
_He is the man of the crowd._ It will be in vain to follow; for I
shall learn no more of him, nor of his deeds. The worst heart of the
world is a grosser book than the ‘Hortulus Animæ,’ {*1} and
perhaps it is but one of the great mercies of God that ‘_er lasst
sich nicht lesen._’”

{*1} The “_Hortulus Animæ cum Oratiunculis Aliquibus Superadditis_”
of Grünninger.

NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD

A Tale With a Moral.

“_Con tal que las costumbres de un autor_,” says Don Thomas de las
Torres, in the preface to his “Amatory Poems” _“sean puras y castas,
importo muy poco que no sean igualmente severas sus obras”_—meaning,
in plain English, that, provided the morals of an author are pure
personally, it signifies nothing what are the morals of his books. We
presume that Don Thomas is now in Purgatory for the assertion. It would be
a clever thing, too, in the way of poetical justice, to keep him there
until his “Amatory Poems” get out of print, or are laid definitely upon
the shelf through lack of readers. Every fiction should have a moral; and,
what is more to the purpose, the critics have discovered that every
fiction has. Philip Melanchthon, some time ago, wrote a commentary upon
the “Batrachomyomachia,” and proved that the poet’s object was to excite a
distaste for sedition. Pierre la Seine, going a step farther, shows that
the intention was to recommend to young men temperance in eating and
drinking. Just so, too, Jacobus Hugo has satisfied himself that, by
Euenis, Homer meant to insinuate John Calvin; by Antinous, Martin Luther;
by the Lotophagi, Protestants in general; and, by the Harpies, the Dutch.
Our more modern Scholiasts are equally acute. These fellows demonstrate a
hidden meaning in “The Antediluvians,” a parable in Powhatan, “new views
in Cock Robin,” and transcendentalism in “Hop O’ My Thumb.” In short, it
has been shown that no man can sit down to write without a very profound
design. Thus to authors in general much trouble is spared. A novelist, for
example, need have no care of his moral. It is there—that is to say,
it is somewhere—and the moral and the critics can take care of
themselves. When the proper time arrives, all that the gentleman intended,
and all that he did not intend, will be brought to light, in the “Dial,”
or the “Down-Easter,” together with all that he ought to have intended,
and the rest that he clearly meant to intend:—so that it will all
come very straight in the end.

There is no just ground, therefore, for the charge brought against me by
certain ignoramuses—that I have never written a moral tale, or, in
more precise words, a tale with a moral. They are not the critics
predestined to bring me out, and develop my morals:—that is the
secret. By and by the “North American Quarterly Humdrum” will make them
ashamed of their stupidity. In the meantime, by way of staying execution—by
way of mitigating the accusations against me—I offer the sad history
appended,—a history about whose obvious moral there can be no
question whatever, since he who runs may read it in the large capitals
which form the title of the tale. I should have credit for this
arrangement—a far wiser one than that of La Fontaine and others, who
reserve the impression to be conveyed until the last moment, and thus
sneak it in at the fag end of their fables.

_Defuncti injuriâ ne afficiantur_ was a law of the twelve tables, and _De
mortuis nil nisi bonum_ is an excellent injunction—even if the dead
in question be nothing but dead small beer. It is not my design,
therefore, to vituperate my deceased friend, Toby Dammit. He was a sad
dog, it is true, and a dog’s death it was that he died; but he himself was
not to blame for his vices. They grew out of a personal defect in his
mother. She did her best in the way of flogging him while an infant—for
duties to her well-regulated mind were always pleasures, and babies,
like tough steaks, or the modern Greek olive trees, are invariably the
better for beating—but, poor woman! she had the misfortune to be
left-handed, and a child flogged left-handedly had better be left
unflogged. The world revolves from right to left. It will not do to whip a
baby from left to right. If each blow in the proper direction drives an
evil propensity out, it follows that every thump in an opposite one knocks
its quota of wickedness in. I was often present at Toby’s chastisements,
and, even by the way in which he kicked, I could perceive that he was
getting worse and worse every day. At last I saw, through the tears in my
eyes, that there was no hope of the villain at all, and one day when he
had been cuffed until he grew so black in the face that one might have
mistaken him for a little African, and no effect had been produced beyond
that of making him wriggle himself into a fit, I could stand it no longer,
but went down upon my knees forthwith, and, uplifting my voice, made
prophecy of his ruin.

The fact is that his precocity in vice was awful. At five months of age he
used to get into such passions that he was unable to articulate. At six
months, I caught him gnawing a pack of cards. At seven months he was in
the constant habit of catching and kissing the female babies. At eight
months he peremptorily refused to put his signature to the Temperance
pledge. Thus he went on increasing in iniquity, month after month, until,
at the close of the first year, he not only insisted upon wearing
moustaches, but had contracted a propensity for cursing and swearing, and
for backing his assertions by bets.

Through this latter most ungentlemanly practice, the ruin which I had
predicted to Toby Dammit overtook him at last. The fashion had “grown with
his growth and strengthened with his strength,” so that, when he came to
be a man, he could scarcely utter a sentence without interlarding it with
a proposition to gamble. Not that he actually laid wagers—no. I will
do my friend the justice to say that he would as soon have laid eggs. With
him the thing was a mere formula—nothing more. His expressions on
this head had no meaning attached to them whatever. They were simple if
not altogether innocent expletives—imaginative phrases wherewith to
round off a sentence. When he said “I’ll bet you so and so,” nobody ever
thought of taking him up; but still I could not help thinking it my duty
to put him down. The habit was an immoral one, and so I told him. It was a
vulgar one—this I begged him to believe. It was discountenanced by
society—here I said nothing but the truth. It was forbidden by act
of Congress—here I had not the slightest intention of telling a lie.
I remonstrated—but to no purpose. I demonstrated—in vain. I
entreated—he smiled. I implored—he laughed. I preached—he
sneered. I threatened—he swore. I kicked him—he called for the
police. I pulled his nose—he blew it, and offered to bet the Devil
his head that I would not venture to try that experiment again.

Poverty was another vice which the peculiar physical deficiency of
Dammit’s mother had entailed upon her son. He was detestably poor, and
this was the reason, no doubt, that his expletive expressions about
betting, seldom took a pecuniary turn. I will not be bound to say that I
ever heard him make use of such a figure of speech as “I’ll bet you a
dollar.” It was usually “I’ll bet you what you please,” or “I’ll bet you
what you dare,” or “I’ll bet you a trifle,” or else, more significantly
still, “I’ll bet the Devil my head.”

This latter form seemed to please him best;—perhaps because it
involved the least risk; for Dammit had become excessively parsimonious.
Had any one taken him up, his head was small, and thus his loss would have
been small too. But these are my own reflections and I am by no means sure
that I am right in attributing them to him. At all events the phrase in
question grew daily in favor, notwithstanding the gross impropriety of a
man betting his brains like bank-notes—but this was a point which
my friend’s perversity of disposition would not permit him to comprehend.
In the end, he abandoned all other forms of wager, and gave himself up to
“I’ll bet the Devil my head,” with a pertinacity and exclusiveness of
devotion that displeased not less than it surprised me. I am always
displeased by circumstances for which I cannot account. Mysteries force a
man to think, and so injure his health. The truth is, there was something
in the air with which Mr. Dammit was wont to give utterance to his
offensive expression—something in his manner of enunciation—which
at first interested, and afterwards made me very uneasy—something
which, for want of a more definite term at present, I must be permitted to
call queer; but which Mr. Coleridge would have called mystical, Mr. Kant
pantheistical, Mr. Carlyle twistical, and Mr. Emerson hyperquizzitistical.
I began not to like it at all. Mr. Dammits soul was in a perilous state. I
resolved to bring all my eloquence into play to save it. I vowed to serve
him as St. Patrick, in the Irish chronicle, is said to have served the
toad,—that is to say, “awaken him to a sense of his situation.” I
addressed myself to the task forthwith. Once more I betook myself to
remonstrance. Again I collected my energies for a final attempt at
expostulation.

When I had made an end of my lecture, Mr. Dammit indulged himself in some
very equivocal behavior. For some moments he remained silent, merely
looking me inquisitively in the face. But presently he threw his head to
one side, and elevated his eyebrows to a great extent. Then he spread out
the palms of his hands and shrugged up his shoulders. Then he winked with
the right eye. Then he repeated the operation with the left. Then he shut
them both up very tight. Then he opened them both so very wide that I became
seriously alarmed for the consequences. Then, applying his thumb to his
nose, he thought proper to make an indescribable movement with the rest of
his fingers. Finally, setting his arms a-kimbo, he condescended to reply.

I can call to mind only the heads of his discourse. He would be obliged to
me if I would hold my tongue. He wished none of my advice. He despised all
my insinuations. He was old enough to take care of himself. Did I still
think him baby Dammit? Did I mean to say any thing against his character?
Did I intend to insult him? Was I a fool? Was my maternal parent aware, in
a word, of my absence from the domiciliary residence? He would put this
latter question to me as to a man of veracity, and he would bind himself
to abide by my reply. Once more he would demand explicitly if my mother
knew that I was out. My confusion, he said, betrayed me, and he would be
willing to bet the Devil his head that she did not.

Mr. Dammit did not pause for my rejoinder. Turning upon his heel, he left
my presence with undignified precipitation. It was well for him that he
did so. My feelings had been wounded. Even my anger had been aroused. For
once I would have taken him up upon his insulting wager. I would have won
for the Arch-Enemy Mr. Dammit’s little head—for the fact is, my
mamma was very well aware of my merely temporary absence from home.

But Khoda shefa midêhed—Heaven gives relief—as the Mussulmans
say when you tread upon their toes. It was in pursuance of my duty that I
had been insulted, and I bore the insult like a man. It now seemed to me,
however, that I had done all that could be required of me, in the case of
this miserable individual, and I resolved to trouble him no longer with my
counsel, but to leave him to his conscience and himself. But although I
forebore to intrude with my advice, I could not bring myself to give up
his society altogether. I even went so far as to humor some of his less
reprehensible propensities; and there were times when I found myself
lauding his wicked jokes, as epicures do mustard, with tears in my eyes:—so
profoundly did it grieve me to hear his evil talk.

One fine day, having strolled out together, arm in arm, our route led us
in the direction of a river. There was a bridge, and we resolved to cross
it. It was roofed over, by way of protection from the weather, and the
archway, having but few windows, was thus very uncomfortably dark. As we
entered the passage, the contrast between the external glare and the
interior gloom struck heavily upon my spirits. Not so upon those of the
unhappy Dammit, who offered to bet the Devil his head that I was hipped.
He seemed to be in an unusual good humor. He was excessively lively—so
much so that I entertained I know not what of uneasy suspicion. It is not
impossible that he was affected with the transcendentals. I am not well
enough versed, however, in the diagnosis of this disease to speak with
decision upon the point; and unhappily there were none of my friends of
the “Dial” present. I suggest the idea, nevertheless, because of a certain
species of austere Merry-Andrewism which seemed to beset my poor friend,
and caused him to make quite a Tom-Fool of himself. Nothing would serve
him but wriggling and skipping about under and over every thing that came
in his way; now shouting out, and now lisping out, all manner of odd
little and big words, yet preserving the gravest face in the world all the
time. I really could not make up my mind whether to kick or to pity him.
At length, having passed nearly across the bridge, we approached the
termination of the footway, when our progress was impeded by a turnstile
of some height. Through this I made my way quietly, pushing it around as
usual. But this turn would not serve the turn of Mr. Dammit. He insisted
upon leaping the stile, and said he could cut a pigeon-wing over it in the
air. Now this, conscientiously speaking, I did not think he could do. The
best pigeon-winger over all kinds of style was my friend Mr. Carlyle, and
as I knew he could not do it, I would not believe that it could be done by
Toby Dammit. I therefore told him, in so many words, that he was a
braggadocio, and could not do what he said. For this I had reason to be
sorry afterward;—for he straightway offered to bet the Devil his
head that he could.

I was about to reply, notwithstanding my previous resolutions, with some
remonstrance against his impiety, when I heard, close at my elbow, a
slight cough, which sounded very much like the ejaculation “ahem!” I
started, and looked about me in surprise. My glance at length fell into a
nook of the frame—work of the bridge, and upon the figure of a
little lame old gentleman of venerable aspect. Nothing could be more
reverend than his whole appearance; for he not only had on a full suit of
black, but his shirt was perfectly clean and the collar turned very neatly
down over a white cravat, while his hair was parted in front like a
girl’s. His hands were clasped pensively together over his stomach, and
his two eyes were carefully rolled up into the top of his head.

Upon observing him more closely, I perceived that he wore a black silk
apron over his small-clothes; and this was a thing which I thought very
odd. Before I had time to make any remark, however, upon so singular a
circumstance, he interrupted me with a second “ahem!”

To this observation I was not immediately prepared to reply. The fact is,
remarks of this laconic nature are nearly unanswerable. I have known a
Quarterly Review non-plussed by the word “Fudge!” I am not ashamed to say,
therefore, that I turned to Mr. Dammit for assistance.

“Dammit,” said I, “what are you about? don’t you hear?—the gentleman
says ‘ahem!’” I looked sternly at my friend while I thus addressed him;
for, to say the truth, I felt particularly puzzled, and when a man is
particularly puzzled he must knit his brows and look savage, or else he is
pretty sure to look like a fool.

“Dammit,” observed I—although this sounded very much like an oath,
than which nothing was further from my thoughts—“Dammit,” I
suggested—“the gentleman says ‘ahem!’”

I do not attempt to defend my remark on the score of profundity; I did not
think it profound myself; but I have noticed that the effect of our
speeches is not always proportionate with their importance in our own
eyes; and if I had shot Mr. D. through and through with a Paixhan bomb, or
knocked him in the head with the “Poets and Poetry of America,” he could
hardly have been more discomfited than when I addressed him with those
simple words: “Dammit, what are you about?—don’t you hear?—the
gentleman says ‘ahem!’”

“You don’t say so?” gasped he at length, after turning more colors than a
pirate runs up, one after the other, when chased by a man-of-war. “Are you
quite sure he said that? Well, at all events I am in for it now, and may
as well put a bold face upon the matter. Here goes, then—ahem!”

At this the little old gentleman seemed pleased—God only knows why.
He left his station at the nook of the bridge, limped forward with a
gracious air, took Dammit by the hand and shook it cordially, looking all
the while straight up in his face with an air of the most unadulterated
benignity which it is possible for the mind of man to imagine.

“I am quite sure you will win it, Dammit,” said he, with the frankest of
all smiles, “but we are obliged to have a trial, you know, for the sake of
mere form.”

“Ahem!” replied my friend, taking off his coat, with a deep sigh, tying a
pocket-handkerchief around his waist, and producing an unaccountable
alteration in his countenance by twisting up his eyes and bringing down
the corners of his mouth—“ahem!” And “ahem!” said he again, after a
pause; and not another word more than “ahem!” did I ever know him to say
after that. “Aha!” thought I, without expressing myself aloud—“this
is quite a remarkable silence on the part of Toby Dammit, and is no doubt
a consequence of his verbosity upon a previous occasion. One extreme
induces another. I wonder if he has forgotten the many unanswerable
questions which he propounded to me so fluently on the day when I gave him
my last lecture? At all events, he is cured of the transcendentals.”

“Ahem!” here replied Toby, just as if he had been reading my thoughts, and
looking like a very old sheep in a revery.

The old gentleman now took him by the arm, and led him more into the shade
of the bridge—a few paces back from the turnstile. “My good fellow,”
said he, “I make it a point of conscience to allow you this much run. Wait
here, till I take my place by the stile, so that I may see whether you go
over it handsomely, and transcendentally, and don’t omit any flourishes of
the pigeon-wing. A mere form, you know. I will say ‘one, two, three, and
away.’ Mind you, start at the word ‘away.’” Here he took his position by
the stile, paused a moment as if in profound reflection, then looked up
and, I thought, smiled very slightly, then tightened the strings of his
apron, then took a long look at Dammit, and finally gave the word as
agreed upon—

_One—two—three—and—away!_

Punctually at the word “away,” my poor friend set off in a strong gallop.
The stile was not very high, like Mr. Lord’s—nor yet very low, like
that of Mr. Lord’s reviewers, but upon the whole I made sure that he would
clear it. And then what if he did not?—ah, that was the question—what
if he did not? “What right,” said I, “had the old gentleman to make any
other gentleman jump? The little old dot-and-carry-one! who is he? If he
asks me to jump, I won’t do it, that’s flat, and I don’t care who the
devil he is.” The bridge, as I say, was arched and covered in, in a very
ridiculous manner, and there was a most uncomfortable echo about it at all
times—an echo which I never before so particularly observed as when
I uttered the four last words of my remark.

But what I said, or what I thought, or what I heard, occupied only an
instant. In less than five seconds from his starting, my poor Toby had
taken the leap. I saw him run nimbly, and spring grandly from the floor of
the bridge, cutting the most awful flourishes with his legs as he went up.
I saw him high in the air, pigeon-winging it to admiration just over the
top of the stile; and of course I thought it an unusually singular thing
that he did not continue to go over. But the whole leap was the affair of
a moment, and, before I had a chance to make any profound reflections,
down came Mr. Dammit on the flat of his back, on the same side of the
stile from which he had started. At the same instant I saw the old
gentleman limping off at the top of his speed, having caught and wrapt up
in his apron something that fell heavily into it from the darkness of the
arch just over the turnstile. At all this I was much astonished; but I had
no leisure to think, for Dammit lay particularly still, and I concluded
that his feelings had been hurt, and that he stood in need of my
assistance. I hurried up to him and found that he had received what might
be termed a serious injury. The truth is, he had been deprived of his
head, which after a close search I could not find anywhere; so I
determined to take him home and send for the homœopathists. In the
meantime a thought struck me, and I threw open an adjacent window of the
bridge, when the sad truth flashed upon me at once. About five feet just
above the top of the turnstile, and crossing the arch of the foot-path so
as to constitute a brace, there extended a flat iron bar, lying with its
breadth horizontally, and forming one of a series that served to
strengthen the structure throughout its extent. With the edge of this
brace it appeared evident that the neck of my unfortunate friend had come
precisely in contact.

He did not long survive his terrible loss. The homœopathists did not give
him little enough physic, and what little they did give him he hesitated
to take. So in the end he grew worse, and at length died, a lesson to all
riotous livers. I bedewed his grave with my tears, worked a bar sinister
on his family escutcheon, and, for the general expenses of his funeral,
sent in my very moderate bill to the transcendentalists. The scoundrels
refused to pay it, so I had Mr. Dammit dug up at once, and sold him for
dog’s meat.

THOU ART THE MAN

I will now play the Oedipus to the Rattleborough enigma. I will expound to
you—as I alone can—the secret of the enginery that effected
the Rattleborough miracle—the one, the true, the admitted, the
undisputed, the indisputable miracle, which put a definite end to
infidelity among the Rattleburghers and converted to the orthodoxy of the
grandames all the carnal-minded who had ventured to be sceptical before.

This event—which I should be sorry to discuss in a tone of
unsuitable levity—occurred in the summer of 18—. Mr. Barnabas
Shuttleworthy—one of the wealthiest and most respectable citizens of
the borough—had been missing for several days under circumstances
which gave rise to suspicion of foul play. Mr. Shuttleworthy had set out
from Rattleborough very early one Saturday morning, on horseback, with the
avowed intention of proceeding to the city of ——, about fifteen miles
distant, and of returning the night of the same day. Two hours after his
departure, however, his horse returned without him, and without the
saddle-bags which had been strapped on his back at starting. The animal
was wounded, too, and covered with mud. These circumstances naturally gave
rise to much alarm among the friends of the missing man; and when it was
found, on Sunday morning, that he had not yet made his appearance, the
whole borough arose en masse to go and look for his body.

The foremost and most energetic in instituting this search was the bosom
friend of Mr. Shuttleworthy—a Mr. Charles Goodfellow, or, as he was
universally called, “Charley Goodfellow,” or “Old Charley Goodfellow.”
Now, whether it is a marvellous coincidence, or whether it is that the
name itself has an imperceptible effect upon the character, I have never
yet been able to ascertain; but the fact is unquestionable, that there
never yet was any person named Charles who was not an open, manly, honest,
good-natured, and frank-hearted fellow, with a rich, clear voice, that did
you good to hear it, and an eye that looked you always straight in the
face, as much as to say: “I have a clear conscience myself, am afraid of
no man, and am altogether above doing a mean action.” And thus all the
hearty, careless, “walking gentlemen” of the stage are very certain to be
called Charles.

Now, “Old Charley Goodfellow,” although he had been in Rattleborough not
longer than six months or thereabouts, and although nobody knew any thing
about him before he came to settle in the neighborhood, had experienced no
difficulty in the world in making the acquaintance of all the respectable
people in the borough. Not a man of them but would have taken his bare
word for a thousand at any moment; and as for the women, there is no
saying what they would not have done to oblige him. And all this came of
his having been christened Charles, and of his possessing, in consequence,
that ingenuous face which is proverbially the very “best letter of
recommendation.”

I have already said that Mr. Shuttleworthy was one of the most respectable
and, undoubtedly, he was the most wealthy man in Rattleborough, while “Old
Charley Goodfellow” was upon as intimate terms with him as if he had been
his own brother. The two old gentlemen were next-door neighbours, and,
although Mr. Shuttleworthy seldom, if ever, visited “Old Charley,” and
never was known to take a meal in his house, still this did not prevent
the two friends from being exceedingly intimate, as I have just observed;
for “Old Charley” never let a day pass without stepping in three or four
times to see how his neighbour came on, and very often he would stay to
breakfast or tea, and almost always to dinner, and then the amount of wine
that was made way with by the two cronies at a sitting, it would really be
a difficult thing to ascertain. “Old Charleys” favorite beverage was
Chateau-Margaux, and it appeared to do Mr. Shuttleworthy’s heart good to
see the old fellow swallow it, as he did, quart after quart; so that, one
day, when the wine was in and the wit as a natural consequence, somewhat
out, he said to his crony, as he slapped him upon the back—“I tell
you what it is, ‘Old Charley,’ you are, by all odds, the heartiest old
fellow I ever came across in all my born days; and, since you love to
guzzle the wine at that fashion, I’ll be darned if I don’t have to make
thee a present of a big box of the Chateau-Margaux. Od rot me,”—(Mr.
Shuttleworthy had a sad habit of swearing, although he seldom went beyond
“Od rot me,” or “By gosh,” or “By the jolly golly,”)—“Od rot me,”
says he, “if I don’t send an order to town this very afternoon for a
double box of the best that can be got, and I’ll make ye a present of it,
I will!—ye needn’t say a word now—I will, I tell ye, and
there’s an end of it; so look out for it—it will come to hand some
of these fine days, precisely when ye are looking for it the least!” I
mention this little bit of liberality on the part of Mr. Shuttleworthy,
just by way of showing you how very intimate an understanding existed
between the two friends.

Well, on the Sunday morning in question, when it came to be fairly
understood that Mr. Shuttleworthy had met with foul play, I never saw any
one so profoundly affected as “Old Charley Goodfellow.” When he first
heard that the horse had come home without his master, and without his
master’s saddle-bags, and all bloody from a pistol-shot, that had gone
clean through and through the poor animal’s chest without quite killing
him; when he heard all this, he turned as pale as if the missing man had
been his own dear brother or father, and shivered and shook all over as if
he had had a fit of the ague.