Chapter XIX: Act II: Scene I

_A Room in_ VALERIA’S _House_.

_Enter_ VALERIA _and_ SERVELLIO.

VAL. Servellio!
SER. Mistress?
VAL. If that fellow come again,
Answer him without me; I’ll not speak with him.
SER. He in the nutmeg-colour’d band, forsooth?
VAL. Ay, that spic’d coxcomb, sir: ne’er may I marry
again, [_Exit_ SERVELLIO.
If his right worshipful idolatrous face
Be not most fearfully painted; so hope comfort me,
I might perceive it peel in many places;
And under’s eye lay a betraying foulness,
As maids sweep dust o’ th’ house all to one corner;
It shew’d me enough there, prodigious pride,
That cannot but fall scornfully. I’m a woman;
Yet, I praise heaven, I never had th’ ambition
To go about to mend a better workman:
She ever shames herself i’ th’ end that does it.
He that likes me not now, as heaven made me,
I’ll never hazard hell to do him a pleasure;
Nor lie every night like a woodcock in paste
To please some gaudy goose in the morning:
A wise man likes that best that is itself,
Not that which only seems, though it look fairer.
Heaven send me one that loves me, and I’m happy!
Of whom I’ll make great trial ere I have him,
Though I speak all men fair, and promise sweetly:
I learn that of my suitors; ’tis their own,
Therefore injustice 'twere to keep it from 'em.

_Enter_ RICARDO, _followed by_ FRANCISCO _and_ ATTILIO
_who conceal themselves_.
RIC. And so as I said, sweet widow——
VAL. Do you begin where you left, sir?
RIC. I always desire, when I come to a widow, to begin
i’ th’ middle of a sentence; for I presume she has a bad
memory of a woman that cannot remember what goes before.

VAL. Stay, stay, sir; let me look upon you well;
Are not you painted too?
RIC. How, painted, widow?
VAL. Not painted widow; I do not use it, trust me,
sir.
RIC. That makes me love thee.
VAL. I mean painted gentleman,
Or if you please to give him a greater style, sir:
Blame me not, sir; it’s a dangerous age, I tell you;
Poor simple-dealing women had need look about 'em.
RIC. But is there such a fellow in the world, widow,
As you are pleas’d to talk on?
VAL. Nay, here lately, sir.
RIC. Here? a pox, I think I smell him! ’tis vermilion
sure; ha, oil of ben![611] Do but shew him me, widow,
and let me never hope for comfort, if I do not
immediately geld him, and grind his face upon one o’ th’
stones.

VAL. Suffices you’ve express’d me your love and
valour,
And manly hate 'gainst that unmanly pride:
But, sir, I’ll save you that labour; he ne’er comes
Within my door again.
RIC. I’ll love your door the better while I know’t,
widow; a pair of such brothers were fitter for
posts[612] without door indeed, to make a shew at a
new-chosen magistrate’s gate, than to be used in a
woman’s chamber. No, sweet widow, having me, you’ve the
truth of a man; all that you see of me is full mine own,
and what you see, or not see, shall be yours: I ever
hated to be beholding[613] to art, or to borrow any
thing but money.
VAL. True, and that you never use to pay again.
RIC. What matter is’t? if you be pleased to do’t for me,
I hold it as good.
VAL. O, soft you, sir, I pray!
RIC. Why, i’faith, you may, and[614] you will.
VAL. I know that, sir.
RIC. Troth, and I would have my will then, if I were as
you: there’s few women else but have.[615]
VAL. But since I cannot have it in all, signor,
I care not to have it in any thing.
RIC. Why, you may have’t in all, and[614] you will,
widow.
VAL. Pish! I’d have one that loves me for myself, sir,
Not for my wealth; and that I cannot have.
RIC. What say you to him that does the thing you wish
for?
VAL. Why, here’s my hand, I’ll marry none but him
then.
RIC. Your hand and faith?
VAL. My hand and faith.
RIC. ’Tis I, then.
VAL. I shall be glad on’t, trust me; ’shrew my heart
else!
RIC. A match!
[FRANCISCO _and_ ATTILIO _come forward_.
FRAN. Give you joy, sweet widow!
ATT. Joy to you both!
VAL. How?
RIC. Nay, there’s no starting now, I have you fast,
widow.—
You’re witness, gentlemen.
FRAN. } We’ll be depos’d on’t.
ATT. }
VAL. Am I betray’d to this, then? then I see
’Tis for my wealth: a woman’s wealth’s her traitor.
RIC. ’Tis for love chiefly, I protest, sweet widow;
I count wealth but a fiddle to make us merry.
VAL. Hence!
RIC. Why, thou’rt mine.
VAL. I do renounce it utterly.
RIC. Have I not hand and faith?
VAL. Sir, take your course.
RIC. With all my heart; ten courses, and[616] you
will, widow.
VAL. Sir, sir, I’m not so gamesome as you think me;
I’ll stand you out by law.
RIC. By law? O cruel, merciless woman,
To talk of law, and know I have no money!
VAL. I will consume myself to the last stamp,[617]
Before thou gett’st me.
RIC. 'Life, I’ll be as wilful then, too:
I’ll rob all the carriers in Christendom,
But I’ll have thee, and find my lawyers money.
I scorn to get thee under _forma pauperis_;
I have too proud a heart, and love thee better.
VAL. As for you, gentlemen, I’ll take course against
you;
You came into my house without my leave;
Your practices are cunning and deceitful;
I know you not, and I hope law will right me.
RIC. It is sufficient that your husband knows 'em:
’Tis not your business to know every man;
An honest wife contents herself with one.
VAL. You know what you shall trust to. Pray depart,
sir,
And take your rude confederates along with you,
Or I will send for those shall force your absence:
I’m glad I found your purpose out so soon.
How quickly may poor women be undone!
RIC. Lose thee? by this hand, I’ll fee fifteen
counsellors first, though I undo a hundred poor men for
'em; and I’ll make 'em yaul one another deaf, but I’ll
have thee.
VAL. Me?
RIC. Thee.
VAL. Ay, fret thy heart out. [_Exit_ RICARDO.
FRAN. Were I he now,
I’d see thee starve for man before I had thee.
VAL. Pray, counsel him to that, sir, and I’ll pay you
well.
FRAN. Pay me? pay your next husband.
VAL. Do not scorn’t, gallant; a worse woman than I
Has paid a better man than you.
[_Exeunt_ ATTILIO _and_ FRANCISCO.

_Enter two Suitors._

FIRST SUIT. Why, how now, sweet widow?
VAL. O kind gentlemen, I’m so abus’d here!
BOTH SUIT. Abused? [_Drawing their swords._
VAL. What will you do, sirs? put up your weapons.
SEC. SUIT. Nay, they’re not so easily drawn, that I must
tell you; mine has not been out this three years; marry,
in your cause, widow, 'twould not be long a-drawing.
Abused! by whom, widow?
VAL. Nay, by a beggar.
SEC. SUIT. A beggar? I’ll have him whipt then, and sent
to the House of Correction.
VAL. Ricardo, sir.
SEC. SUIT. Ricardo? nay, by th’ mass, he’s a
gentleman-beggar; he’ll be hanged before he be whipt.
Why, you’ll give me leave to clap him up, I hope?
VAL. ’Tis too good for him; that’s the thing he’d
have,
He would be clapt up, whether I would or no, methinks;
Plac’d two of his companions privately,
Unknown to me, on purpose to entrap me
In my kind answers, and at last stole from me
That which I fear will put me to some trouble,
A kind of verbal courtesy, which his witnesses
And he, forsooth, call by the name of contract.
FIRST SUIT. O politic villain!
VAL. But I’m resolv’d, gentlemen,
If the whole power of my estate can cast him,
He never shall obtain me.
SEC. SUIT. Hold you there, widow;
Well fare your heart for that, i’faith.
FIRST SUIT. Stay, stay, stay;
You broke no gold between you?
VAL. We broke nothing, sir.
FIRST SUIT. Nor drunk to one another?
VAL. Not a drop, sir.
FIRST SUIT. You’re sure of this you speak?
VAL. Most certain, sir.
FIRST SUIT. Be of good comfort, wench: I’ll undertake
then,
At mine own charge, to overthrow him for thee.
VAL. O, do but that, sir, and you bind me to you!
Here shall I try your goodness. I’m but a woman,
And, alas, ignorant in law businesses:
I’ll bear the charge most willingly.
FIRST SUIT. Not a penny;
Thy love will reward me.
VAL. And where love must be,
It is all but one purse, now I think on’t.
FIRST SUIT. All comes to one, sweet widow.
SEC. SUIT. Are you so forward? [_Aside._
FIRST SUIT. I know his mates, Attilio and Francisco;
I’ll get out process, and attach 'em all:
We’ll begin first with them.
VAL. I like that strangely.
FIRST SUIT. I have a daughter run away, I thank her;
I’ll be a scourge to all youth for her sake:
Some of 'em has got her up.
VAL. Your daughter? what, sir, Martia?
FIRST SUIT. Ay, a shake wed her!
I would have married her to a wealthy gentleman,
No older than myself; she was like to be shrewdly hurt,
widow.
VAL. It was too happy for her.
FIRST SUIT. I’m of thy mind.
Farewell, sweet widow; I’ll about this straight;
I’ll have 'em all three put into one writ,
And so save charges.
VAL. How I love your providence!
[_Exit First Suitor._
SEC. SUIT. Is my nose bor’d? I’ll cross ye both for
this,
Although it cost me as much o’ th’ other side:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
I may get out of her what may undo her too. [_Aside._
Hark you, sweet widow, you must now take heed
You be of a sure ground, he’ll o’erthrow you else.
VAL. Marry, fair hope forbid!
SEC. SUIT. That will he: marry, le’ me see, le’ me
see;
Pray how far past it 'tween you and Ricardo?
VAL. Farther, sir,
Than I would now it had; but I hope well yet.
SEC. SUIT. Pray let me hear’t; I’ve a shrewd guess o’
th’ law.
VAL. Faith, sir, I rashly gave my hand and faith
To marry none but him.
SEC. SUIT. Indeed!
VAL. Ay, trust me, sir.
SEC. SUIT. I’m very glad on’t; I’m another witness,
And he shall have you now.
VAL. What said you, sir?
SEC. SUIT. He shall not want money in an honest cause,
widow;
I know I’ve enough, and I will have my humour.
VAL. Are all the world betrayers?
SEC. SUIT. Pish, pish, widow!
You’ve borne me in hand[618] this three months, and now
fobb’d me:
I’ve known the time when I could please a woman.
I’ll not be laugh’d at now; when I’m crost, I’m a tiger:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
VAL. This only shews your malice to me, sir;
The world knows you ha’ small reason to help him,
So much in your debt already.
SEC. SUIT. Therefore I do’t,
I have no way but that to help myself;
Though I lose you, I will not lose all, widow;
He marrying you, as I will follow’t for him,
I’ll make you pay his debts, or lie without him.
VAL. I look’d for this from you.
SEC. SUIT. I ha’ not deceiv’d you then: [_Exit_
VALERIA.
Fret, vex, and chafe, I’m obstinate where I take.
I’ll seek him out, and cheer him up against her:
I ha’ no charge at all, no child of mine own,
But two I got once of a scouring-woman,
And they’re both well provided for, they’re i’ th’
hospital.
I have ten thousand pound to bury me,
And I will have my humour. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

_A Street._

_Enter_ FRANCISCO.

FRAN. A man must have a time to serve his pleasure,
As well as his dear friend: I’m forc’d to steal from
'em,
To get this night of sport for mine own use.
What says her amiable, witty letter here?
[_Reads letter._
’_Twixt nine and ten_,—now ’tis 'twixt six and seven;
As fit as can be; he that follows lechery
Leaves all at six and seven, and so do I, methinks:
Sun sets at eight, it’s 'bove an hour high yet;
Some fifteen mile have I before I reach her,
But I’ve an excellent horse; and a good gallop
Helps man as much as a provoking banquet.

_Enter First Suitor and Officers._

FIRST SUIT. Here’s one of 'em; begin with him first,
officers.
FIRST OFF. By virtue of this writ we attach your body,
sir.
[_Officers seize_ FRANCISCO.
FRAN. My body? 'life, for what?
FIRST SUIT. Hold him fast, officers.
FIRST OFF. The least of us can do’t, now his sword’s
off, sir;
We have a trick of hanging upon gentlemen,
We never lose a man.
FRAN. O treacherous fortune!—
Why, what’s the cause?
FIRST SUIT. The widow’s business, sir:
I hope you know me?
FRAN. For a busy coxcomb,
This fifteen year, I take it.
FIRST SUIT. O, you’re mad, sir;
Simple though you make me, I stand for the widow.
FRAN. She’s simply stood for then: what’s this to me,
sir,
Or she, or you, or any of these flesh-hooks?
FIRST SUIT. You’re like to find good bail before you
leave us,
Or lie till the suit’s tried.
FRAN. O my love’s misery!
FIRST SUIT. I’m put in trust to follow’t, and I’ll
do’t
With all severity; build upon that, sir.

_Enter_ RICARDO _and_ ATTILIO.

FRAN. How I could[619] curse myself!
RIC. Look, here’s Francisco:
Will you believe me, now you see his qualities?
ATT. ’Tis strange to me.
RIC. I tell you ’tis his fashion;
He never stole away in’s life from me,
But still I found him in such scurvy company.—
A pox on thee, Francisco! wilt never leave
Thy old tricks? are these lousy companions for thee?
FRAN. Pish, pish, pish!
FIRST SUIT. Here they be all three now; 'prehend 'em,
officers.
[_Officers seize_ RICARDO _and_ ATTILIO.
RI. What’s this?
FRAN. I gave you warning enough to make away;
I’m in for the widow’s business, so are you now.
RIC. What, all three in a noose? this is like a widow’s
business indeed.
FIRST SUIT. Sh’as catch’d you, gentlemen, as you
catch’d her.
The widow means now to begin with you, sir.
RIC. I thank her heartily, sh’as taught me wit; for had
I been any but an ass, I should ha’ begun with her
indeed. By this light, the widow’s a notable housewife!
she bestirs herself. I have a greater mind to her now
than e’er I had: I cannot go to prison for one I love
better, I protest; that’s one good comfort.—

And what are you, I pray, sir, for a coxcomb?[620]
FIRST SUIT. It seems you know me by your anger, sir.
RIC. I’ve a near guess at you, sir.
FIRST SUIT. Guess what you please, sir,
I’m he ordain’d to trounce you, and, indeed,
I am the man must carry her.
RIC. Ay, to me;
But I’ll swear she’s a beast, and[621] she carry thee.
FIRST SUIT. Come, where’s your bail, sir? quickly, or
away.
RIC. Sir, I’m held wrongfully; my bail’s taken
already.
FIRST SUIT. Where is’t, sir, where?
RIC. Here they be both. Pox on you, they were taken
before I’d need of 'em. And[621] you be honest officers,
let’s bail one another; for, by this hand, I do not know
who will else.—

_Enter Second Suitor._

'Ods light, is he come too? I’m in for midnight then; I
shall never find the way out again: my debts, my debts!
I’m like to die i’ th’ Hole[622] now.
FIRST SUIT. We have him fast, old signor, and his
consorts;
Now you may lay action on action on him.
SEC. SUIT. That may I, sir, i’faith.
FIRST SUIT. And I’d not spare him, sir.
SEC. SUIT. Know you me, officers?
FIRST OFF. Your bounteous worship, sir.
RIC. I know the rascal so well, I dare not look upon
him.
SEC. SUIT. Upon my worth, deliver me that gentleman.
FRAN. Which gentleman?
SEC. SUIT. Not you, sir, you’re too hasty;
No, nor you neither, sir, pray, stay your time.
RIC. There’s all but I now, and I dare not think he
means me.
SEC. SUIT. Deliver me Ricardo.
RIC. O, sure he lies,
Or else I do not hear well.
FIRST OFF. Signor Ricardo——
RIC. Well, what’s the matter?
FIRST OFF. You may go; who lets you?[623]
It is his worship’s pleasure, sir, to bail you.
RIC. Bail me?
SEC. SUIT. Ay will I, sir. Look in my face, man;
Thou’st a good cause; thou’lt pay me when thou’rt able?
RIC. Ay, every penny, as I’m a gentleman.
SEC. SUIT. No matter if thou dost not, then I’ll make
thee,
And that’s as good at all times.
FIRST SUIT. But, I pray, sir,—
You go against the hair there.[624]
SEC. SUIT. Against the widow you mean, sir;
Why, ’tis my purpose truly, and 'gainst you too:
I saw your politic combination;
I was thrust out between you. Here stands one
Shall do as much for you, and he stands rightest,
His cause is strong and fair; nor shall he want
Money, or means, or friends, but he shall have her:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
FIRST SUIT. Hang thee! I have a purse as good as
thine.
RIC. I think they’re much alike, they’re rich knaves
both.—
[_Aside._
Heart, and[625] I take you railing at my patron, sir,
I’ll cramp your joints!
SEC. SUIT. Let him alone, sweet honey;
I thank thee for thy love though.
RIC. This is wonderful!
FRAN. O Ricardo,
’Tis seven struck in my pocket! I lose time now.
RIC. What say’st, Francisco?
FRAN. I ha’ mighty business,
That I ne’er thought on; get me bail’d, I’m spoilt else.
RIC. Why, you know, ’tis such a strange miraculous
courtesy,
I dare not be too forward to ask more of him,
For fear he repent this, and turn me in again.
FRAN. Do somewhat, and[625] you love me!
RIC. I’ll make trial, faith.—
May’t please you, sir,—'life, if I should spoil all now!
SEC. SUIT. What say’st, Ricardo?
RIC. Only a thing by th’ way, sir;
Use your own pleasure.
SEC. SUIT. That I like well from thee.
RIC. 'Twere good, and[625] those two gentlemen were
bail’d too;
They’re both my witnesses.
SEC. SUIT. They’re well, they’re well:
And[625] they were bail’d, we know not where to find
'em.
Let 'em go to prison; they’ll be forthcoming the better:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
RIC. I knew there was no more good to be done upon
him:
’Tis well I’ve this; heaven knows I never look’d for’t.
FRAN. What plaguy luck had I to be ensnar’d thus!
FIRST OFF. O, patience!
FRAN. Pox o’ your comfortable ignorance!

_Enter_ BRANDINO _and_ MARTINO.
BRAN. Martino, we ride slow.
MAR. But we ride sure, sir;
Your hasty riders often come short home, master.
BRAN. Bless this fair company!
FRAN. Here he’s again too;
I am both sham’d and cross’d.
BRAN. Seest thou who’s yonder, Martino?
MAR. We ride slow, I’ll be sworn now, master.
BRAN. How now, Francisco, art thou got before me?
FRAN. Yes, thank my fortune, I am got before you.
BRAN. What, no, in hold?
RIC. Ay, o’ my troth, poor gentleman!
Your worship, sir, may do a good deed to bail him.
BRAN. Why do not you do’t then?
MAR. La, you, sir, now, my master has that honesty,
He’s loath to take a good deed from you, sir.
RIC. I’ll tell you why, I cannot, else I would, sir.
FRAN. Luck, I beseech thee!
If he should be wrought to bail me now, to go to
His wife, 'twere happiness beyond expression.
[_Aside._
BRAN. A matter but of controversy?
RIC. That’s all, trust me, sir.
BRAN. Francisco shall ne’er lie for’t; he’s my friend,
And I will bail him.
MAR. He’s your secret friend, master;
Think upon that.
BRAN. Give him his liberty, officers;
Upon my peril, he shall be forthcoming.
FRAN. How I am bound to you!
FIRST SUIT. Know you whom you cross, sir?
’Tis at your sister’s suit; be well advis’d, sir.
BRAN. How, at my sister’s suit? take him again then.
FRAN. Why, sir, do you refuse me?
BRAN. I’ll not hear thee.
RIC. This is unkindly done, sir.
FIRST SUIT. ’Tis wisely done, sir.
SEC. SUIT. Well shot, foul malice!
FIRST SUIT. Flattery stinks worse, sir.
RIC. You’ll ne’er leave till I make you stink as bad,
sir.
FRAN. O Martino, have I this for my late kindness?
MAR. Alas, poor gentleman, dost complain to me?
Thou shalt not fare the worse for’t.—Hark you, master,
Your sister’s suit, said you?
BRAN. Ay, sir, my wife’s sister.
MAR. And shall that daunt you, master? think again:
Why, were’t your mother’s suit,—your mother’s suit,
Mark what I say,—the dearest suit of all suits,
You’re bound in conscience, sir, to bail this gentleman.
BRAN. Yea, am I so? how prov’st thou that, Martino?
MAR. Have you forgot so soon what he did lately?
Has he not tried your wife to your hand, master,
To cut the throat of slander and suspicion?
And can you do too much for such a man?
Shall it be said, I serve an ingrateful master?
BRAN. Never, Martino; I will bail him now,
And[626] 'twere at my wife’s suit.
FRAN. ’Tis like to be so. [_Aside._
MAR. And I his friend, to follow your example, master.
FRAN. Precious Martino!
FIRST SUIT. You’ve done wondrous well, sir;
Your sister shall give you thanks.
RIC. This makes him mad, sir.
SEC. SUIT. We’ll follow’t now to th’ proof.
FIRST SUIT. Follow your humour out;
The widow shall find friends.
SEC. SUIT. And so shall he, sir,
Money and means.
RIC. Hear you me that, old huddle!
SEC. SUIT. Mind him not; follow me, and I’ll supply
thee;
[_Exeunt First Suitor and Officers._
Thou shalt give all thy lawyers double fees:
I’ve buried money enough to bury me,
And I will have my humour.
[_Exit with_ RICARDO _and_ ATTILIO.
BRAN. Fare thee well once again, my dear Francisco;
I prithee, use my house.
FRAN. It is my purpose, sir.
BRAN. Nay, you must do’t then; though I’m old, I’m
free.
[_Exit._
MAR. And when you want a warrant, come to me.
[_Exit._
FRAN. That will be shortly now, within this few hours.
This fell out strangely happy. Now to horse;
I shall be nighted: but an hour or two
Never breaks square in love; he comes in time
That comes at all; absence is all love’s crime.
[_Exit._