Chapter XVIII: Kirkyard Humour

“God’s acre” should be about the last place in the world to which any mind blessed with an average sense of consistency, not to employ a stronger term, would turn with deliberate purpose in search of entertainment of a frivolous and amusing character. And yet, paradoxical as it may appear, the most serious of all events, solemn of all ordinances, and weird of all situations—death, burial, and the grave—have been the subjects of the most mirth-provoking puns and jokes; whilst some of the wittiest and most audaciously sarcastic of epigrammatic compositions are among those which have been discovered among the tombs in the silent cities of the dead. Like the dry and caustic humour of the Scottish beadles, to which, in essence and order they are nearly related, humorous and curious epitaphs no longer prevail amongst us. This is not to be regretted, for they have yielded to a more decorous, if perhaps less truthful and enlivening order of things. The wonder is that they ever obtained favour at all, here or elsewhere. I say elsewhere, because eccentricities of the kind under notice have not been peculiar to the kirkyards of the North. In England the punning and eccentric epitaph has prevailed to a greater extent even than in Scotland. Every representative collection of tombstone literature reveals this fact. Scotland alone, however, has produced an abundant crop. So much, indeed, as to form quite a distinct and interesting department of the humour of the country. The utter unpreparedness of the mind for the reception of humour in such a place as a kirkyard has occasionally, no doubt, helped what was incongruous to pass for humorous, as from the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step; but the following, which is still “to the fore,” though more than two hundred years old, and may be seen and read of all men in the Reid kirkyard, in the parish of Gairtney, in Annandale, is sufficiently ludicrous in itself to tickle the risible sensibilities of any rightly organized person independently of circumstance or association:—

“I, Jocky Bell o’ Brakenbrow, lyes under this stane,
Five of my awn sons laid it on my wame;
I liv’d aw my deyes, but sturt or strife
Was man o’ my meat, and master o’ my wife;
If you’ve done better in your time than I did in mine,
Take the stane aff my wame, and lay it on thine.”

The same may be said of the next.

Many years ago a strolling musician, of remarkable appearance, of the name of Abercromby, or “Crummy,” as he was usually called, was well known throughout the north of Scotland. He supported himself and his partner by his penny whistle, with which he had no difficulty in charming the musical of any village. He was buried in the churchyard of Cruden, in Aberdeenshire. He composed his own epitaph in these words:—

“Here Crummy lies, enclosed in wood,
Full six feet one and better,
When tyrant Death grim o’er him stood,
He faced him like a hatter.
Now lies he low without a boot,
Free from a world of bustle,
And silent now is Crummy’s flute,
And awful dry his whustle.”

The following is copied from a tombstone in the East Neuk o’ Fife—Crail, I think:—

“Here lies my good and gracious Auntie,
Wham Death has packed in his portmanty,
Threescore and ten years God did gift her,
And here she lies, wha de’il daurs lift her?”

On a tombstone in the old churchyard of Peterhead there was wont to appear this interrogatory inscription:—

“Wha lies here?
John Sim, ye needna’ spier.
Hullo, John, is that you?
Ay, ay, but I’m deed noo.”

This is from Haddington kirkyard:—

“Underneath this stone doth lie
As much beauty as could die,
Which while it lived did vigour give
To as much virtue as could live.”

The next is from the same place:—

“Hout, Atropos, hard-hearted Hag,
To cut the sheugh of Jamie Craig;
For had he lived a wheen mae years,
He had been owre tough for all your sheirs;
Now Jamie’s deed, sua man we a’,
And for his sake I’ll say this sa,
In Heiven Jamie be thy saul!”

Mr. Pryse Gordon relates, in his _Autobiography_, that a sailor having thought proper to enclose the parish churchyard of Deskford, near Cullen, in order to keep it decent, his executor placed a tombstone over him after death, on which was the following:—

“Hic jacet Joannes Anderson, Aberdoniensis,
Who built this churchyard dyke at his own expenses.”

That suggests another which is like unto it:—

“Here lies the laird o’ Lundie,
_Sic transit gloria Mundi_.”

The following curious specimen of sepulchral literature is said to be copied from an old tombstone which marks the grave of a soldier in the kirkyard of Dumfries:—

“Here lies Andrew M’Pherson,
Who was a peculiar person;
He stood six foot two
Without his shoe,
And was slew
At Waterloo.”

The following is a copy of an epitaph on an old tombstone at Logiepert, in the neighbourhood of Montrose:—

“Here lies the Smith—to wit—Tam Gouk,
His Faither and his Mither,
Wi’ Tam, and Jock, and Joan, and Noll,
And a’ the Gouks thegither.
When on the yird Tam and his wife
Gree’d desprate ill wi’ ither,
But noo, without e’en din or strife,
They tak’ their Nap thegither.”

In Bothwell there appears:—

“Erected by Margaret Scott in memory of her husband, Robert
Stobo, late smith and farrier, Goukthrapple, who died, May
1834, in the 70th year of his age.

“My sledge and hammer lies declined
My bellows-pipe has lost its wind;
My forge’s extinct; my fire’s decayed;
And in the dust my vice is laid.
My coals is spent; my iron is gone;
My nails are drove; my work is done.”

In Cullen churchyard, in Banffshire, there is this graphic verse:—

“Here lies interred a man o’ micht,
His name was Malcolm Downie:
He lost his life ae market nicht
By fa’in aff his pownie.
Aged 37 years.”

In the churchyard of Newtyle, Ruthven, Perthshire, is the following, bearing date 1771:—

“Here lies the body of Robert Small,
Who, when in life, was thick not tall;
But what’s of greater consequence,
He was endowèd with good sense.”

The following sublimely confused inscription will be found on the headstone, No. 41,242, of the Old Howff in Dundee:—

“1830.
In memory of James
and another son
and five other friends
Who died in infancy.
Erected by
James Stewart,
spirit merchant, Dundee,
and his spouse
and three other children.”

Here is another Dundee epitaph:—

“J. P. P.,
Provost of Dundee—
Hallelujah,
Hallelujee.”

Again:—

“Here lie the banes o’ Tammy Messer,
Of Tarry woo’ he was a dresser;
He had some fau’ts and mony merits,
And died o’ drinking ardent spirits.”

And again:—

“Here lies old John Hildibrodd
Have mercy on him, good God,
As he would do if he was God,
And Thou wert old John Hildibrodd.”

Marion Scott died at Dunkeld, November 21, 1727, aged 100, and was buried in the Abbey. She lived in the reigns of James VI., Charles I., Oliver Cromwell (Commonwealth), Charles II., James II., William III., and Mary II., Anne, George I., and George II. Her tombstone bears this inscription:—

“Stop, passenger, until my life you’ve read;
The living may get knowledge by the dead.
Five times five years I liv’d a virgin life;
Five times five years I was a virtuous wife;
Ten times five years I liv’d a widow chaste
Now, tir’d of this mortal life, I rest.
I, from my cradle to my grave, have seen
Eight mighty kings of Scotland and a queen.
Full twice five years the Commonwealth I saw;
Ten times the subjects rose against the law.
Twice did I see old prelacy pull’d down!
And twice the cloak was humbled by the gown.
An end of Stuart’s race I saw: nay more!
I saw my country sold for English ore.
Such desolations in my time have been;
I have an end of all perfection seen.”

Thomas Tyre, pedlar, died on the 2nd day of January, 1795, and was buried in the graveyard of West Kilbride, where his monument, with the following descriptive lines, may any time be seen. He was over 72 years of age:—

“Here lye the banes of Thomas Tyre,
Wha lang had drudg’d through dub and mire
In carrying bundles and sic like,
His task performing wi’ small fyke.
To deal his snuff Tam aye was free,
And served his friends for little fee.
His life obscure was naething new,
Yet we must own his faults were few,
Although at Yule he sip’d a drap,
And in the kirk whiles took a nap.
True to his word in every case,
Tam scorned to cheat for lucre base.
Now he is gone to taste the fare,
Which none but honest men will share.”

At Redkirk, in the parish of Gretna, Dumfriesshire, there was formerly a churchyard, which the sea has completely swept away. The only vestige of it is a monumental stone, lying about 150 feet within high water mark, and which will no doubt be soon sanded up. The inscription upon it merits preservation:—

“Here lieth I—N. Bell, who died in ye yhere
MDX., and of his age cxxx. years.
Here bluidy Bell, baith skin and bane,
Lies quietly styll aneath this stane;
He was a stark mosstrooper shent
As ever drave a bow on bent.
He brynt ye Lockwood tower and hall,
An’ flang ye lady o’er ye wall;
For whilk ye Johnstone, stout and wyte,
Set Blacketh a’ in low by nyght,
Whyle cryed a voice, as if frae hell,
‘Haste, open ye gates for _bluidy_ Bell.’”

An eccentric character named John So, a native of Inverkip, bequeathed his property to a friend, on the condition that he would get engraved on his tombstone the following epitaph written by himself:—

“Here lies John So,
So so did he so,
So did he live,
So did he die,
So so did he so,
So let him lie.”

This, to be seen on the south wall of Elgin Cathedral, is repeated in various churchyards throughout the country:—

“The world is a city full of streets,
And death the mercat that all men meets,
If lyfe were a thing that monie could buy,
The poor could not live, and the rich would not die.”

The next is found near Rob Roy’s grave, in Balquhidder:—

“Beneath this stane lies Shanet Roy,
Shon Roy’s reputed mother;
In all her life save this Shon Roy
She never had another.

’Tis here or hereabout, they say,
The place no one can tell;
But when she’ll rise at the last day,
She’ll ken the stane hersel’.”

Andrew Sharpe, who practised the arts of the drawing-master and poet, and enjoyed some reputation as a flute-player, is thus celebrated in the churchyard of Kinnoul, Perth:—

“Halt, for a moment,
Passenger, and read—
Here Andrew dozes
In his daisied bed.
Silent his flute,
Torn off its key,
His genius scattered
And the Muse set free.”

This curious example is found in Arbroath:—

“Here lyes Alexander Peter, present treasurer of Arbroath, who died
12th January, 1630.
Such a Treasurer was not since, nor yet before,
For common work, calsais,[4] brigs,[5] and schoir;[6]
Of all others he did excel;
He devised our school and he hung our bell.”

[4] Causeway.

[5] Bridges.

[6] Sewers.

The following lines are said to be in the churchyards of Stirling, Ordiquhill, Dundee (Old Howff), Fort Augustus, and Hamilton:—

“Our life is but a winter day
Some only breakfast and away,
Others to dinner stay and are full fed,
The oldest man but sups and goes to bed,
Large is his debt that lingers out the day,
He that goes soonest has the least to pay.”

Close by St. Regulus Tower, St. Andrews, the ashes of a sea captain and his spouse have anchored safely in their last haven, which is marked by a simple tombstone with these words:—

“Here we lie
In horizontal position,
Like a ship laid up
Stript of her mast and riggin’.”

Captain Hill, who rests in the kirkyard of Cleish, has his virtues thus pithily extolled on the stone which marks the spot:—

“At anchor now in Death’s dark road,
Rides honest Captain Hill,
Who served his king and feared his God,
With upright heart and will.
In social life sincere and just,
To vice of no kind given;
So that his better part, we trust,
Hath made the Port of Heaven.”

The following quaint inscription, copied from the Abbey of Melrose, consecrated in 1146, is of much historical value. From it, it would appear that one John Murdo superintended most of the ancient ecclesiastical edifices in Scotland:—

“John Murdo some tym callit was I,
And born in Parysse certainly,
And had in kepying all mason werk
Of Sanctandroys, the hye kyrk
Of Glasgu, Melros, and Paslay,
Of Nyddysdale, and of Galway,
Pray to God, and Mari baith,
And sweet St. John, keep this holy kyrk fra skaith.”

In Forfar cemetery we find:—

“’Tis here that Tibby Allan lies,
’Tis here, or here about,
But no one till the Resurrection day,
Shall the very spot dispute.”

Loch Ranza has this:—

“Here lies Donald and his wife,
Janet M’Fee;
Aged 40 hee,
Aged 30 shee.”

In the Necropolis of Glasgow, which is separated from the Cathedral and its olden cemetery by the Molendinar Burn, stands a plain stone with the grave warning:—

“Stranger, as you pass o’er the grass,
Think seriously, with no humdrumming,
Prepare for death, for judgment’s coming.”

In the same place may be seen:—

“Here lies Mess Andrew Gray,
Of whom ne muckle good can i say
He was ne Quaker, for he had ne spirit;
He was ne Papist, for he had ne merit;
He was ne Turk, for he drank muckle wine;
He was ne Jew, for he eat muckle swine;
Full forty years he preached and leed,
For which God doomed him when he deed.”

The subject of the next epitaph, owing to her bravery at the battle of Ancrum Moor, is celebrated in heroic verse still to be seen in a country churchyard in Roxburghshire:—

“Fair Maiden Lilliard lies under this stane,
Little was her stature, but great was her fame;
Upon the English louns she laid many thumps,
And when her legs were cutted off she fought upon her stumps.”

In the churchyard of Hoddam is found:—

“Here lyes a man, who all his mortal life
Past mending clocks, but could not mend his wyfe,
The ’larum of his bell was ne’er sae shrill
As was her tongue—aye clacking like a mill.
But now he’s gane—oh! whither nane can tell—
I hope beyond the sound o’ Mally’s bell.”

Over the last lair of a Glasgow magistrate there is written:—

“Here lyes—read it with your hats on—
The bones of Bailie William Watson,
Who was famous for his thinking,
And moderation in his drinking.”

The following has been deciphered from an inscription on a tombstone in Skye:—

“Here lie the bones
O’ Tonald Jones,
The wale o’ men
For eating scones.
Eating scones
And drinking yill,
Till his last moans
He took his fill.”

In the kirkyard of Horncliffe, on the Tweed, may be seen:—

“Here lies the Horner of Horncliffe,
Puir Tam Gordon, cauld and stiff,
Wha in this narrow hole was puttin
For his lawless love of wedder mutton.”

There is a neatly expressed compliment to the memory of a dead wife in these lines, said to be copied from a gravestone in Meigle:—

“She was—but words are wanting,
To say what.
Think what a wife should be—
She was that.”

The writer of William Mathieson’s epitaph, in the West Churchyard, Tranent, was not nearly so happy in his diction. It runs limpingly thus:—

“William Matthison here lies,
Whose age was forty-one;
February seventeenth he dies,
Went Is’bel Mitchell from.
Who was his married wife,
The fourth part of his life.
The soul it cannot die,
Tho’ th’ body be turn’d to clay;
Yet meet again must they
At the last day.
Trumpets shall sound, archangels cry,
Come forth Is’bel Mitchell and meet
William Matthison in the sky.”

Seldom has there been a better excuse for an epitaph than appears in the following, from the burial-place of Inchchapel, near Montrose:—

“Janet Milne, spouse to James Lurie, her Monument.
We do this for no other end
But that our Burial may be ken’d.”

These, though the choicest specimens of their kind, form not more than a tithe of the humorous and curious epitaphs which are readily accessible to the writer. But—though we have not laughed once irreverently—perhaps, my reader, we have laughed long enough over the “cauld clay biggin’s” of gloomy Death, where rests in awful solemnity much that is sainted and sacred to us both. No more, then.

INDEX

A.

A’ a’e oo, 16

Aberdeenshire woman’s affliction, 38

A dangerous case o’ _typhus_, 83

A day in the desk, 160

A fearfu’ sermon, 95

A fisher of men, 98

Ainslie, Hew, quoted, 27

Airlie, Earl of, 62, 238

Alexander, Dr. William Lindsay, 138

_Also_, but not _likewise_, 292

Anderson, Dr. William, 57, 80, 84

And the Lord said unto Moses, 60

Another glass and then, 62

An awfu’ fricht, 175

A pig in the bed, 213

Arbroath epitaph, 448

Are yer aits muckle bookit? 214

As it is in the original, 94

A _week_ before the sun went doon, 209

A well-corrected mistake, 155

Auld, Dr., 378

Auld lang syne, 15
dune up in tartan, 245

Awfu’ wark; they’re just killin’ ane anither ower there, 35

Aytoun, Professor, 267, 269

B.

Ballantyne, Mrs., 260

Balquhidder epitaph, 448

Balnamoon and the brock, 49

Banffshire epitaph, 444

Bannockburn, Story of the battle of, 201

Baptismal customs, 346

Baptisms, Stories about, 86, 107, 108

Barbour, Sheriff, 297

Bargaig, Lord, 295

Barebones’ first day in the desk, 158

Barrie, J. M., 30
quoted, 51

Barty, Rev. Mr., of Ruthven, 136

Beadle on Disestablishment, 130
drawing an inference, 132

Begg, Rev. Dr., 47

Betty’s courtship and marriage, 336

Bishop Irving of Argyll, 81

Bishop though he be, 107

Blackie, Professor, 29

Blacklock, Dr. Thomas, 90

Bleakie, Sir Robert, of Blair Athol, 205

Bluidy Bell’s epitaph, 447

Bonar, Rev. Dr. A. A., 360

Bonnie House o’ Airlie, The, 239

Boston, Rev. Mr., and Daft Jock Amos, 379

Boswell, Sir Alexander, 287

Bothwell epitaph, 444

Boyd, Hugh, quoted, 226

Boyd, Rev. Zachary, 273

Braxfield, Lord, 285, 286

Breadalbane, Marquis, 107
Lady, 107

Brewster, Sir David, 352

Brougham, Lord, 288

Brown, Rev. John of Haddington, 120

Brown, Dr. John, 105

Bruce and Strang, 296

Buchanan, Robert, 183

Burial customs, 349

Burke and Hare Trial, 304

Burns’ letter to William Nicol, 21

Burns quoted, 21, 27, 146, 169, 356, 363

Burns’ Poems, Cockney Edition, 210
Epigrams by, 249, 250, 251
Anecdotes of, 251, 252, 253, 254
and Scott, Meeting of, 255

Burns of Castle Wemyss, 83

C.

Caird, Principal, 145

Cameron, W. C., 272

Canna ye boo, ye brute? 113

Campbell, Thomas, 275

Campbell and Leyden, 276

Cameronian’s cat, The, 283

Carle, and the King come, 264

Carlyle family described, 334

_Cia mar a tha thu an duidh?_, 236

Chalmers, Dr., 158, 335

_Chevy Chase_ in the Psalms, 151

Clank, clankin’ through heaven, 38

Clan pride, 238

Classon, Dr., 346

Clerk, John, of Eldin, 291, 292, 294

Coals of fire on his enemy’s head, 40

Coat, sir! whaur got I the coat? 307

Cockburn, Lord, 23, 28, 285, 290, 299, 302

Cockburn, Mrs., 258

Colquhoun, Sir James, 288, 294

“Come awa, Mr. Horner, an’ help us to hang thae damned scoondrels,”
286

Congregation needing a rest, 100

Consolation, 38

Conveeviality that plays the plisky, 180

Cranston, Mr., 353

Craig, Willie, and the Earl of Mansfield, 322

Cringletie, Lord, 293

Crockett, S. R., 30

Crossmichael, Minister of, 60

Curing the Coo, 47

_Curator Bonus_, 295

“Crummy’s” epitaph, 442

Cullen epitaph, 444

Cruden ” 442

Crail ” 384

D.

Daft Jock Amos, 379-380

Daft Jock Gordon, 371

Daft Rab Hamilton, 377-379

Daft Willie Law, 369

Daft Will Speir, 381-384

_Daoine Shi_, 362

Davie’s no a son, Davie’s the cuddie, 103

Dead flea in John’s sowl, 64

Deans’, Jeanie, plea to the Queen, 19

“Deevil choke ye,” 67

Deil’s Reply to Robert Burns, The, 277

Deskford epitaph, 433

Devil, definition of the word, 60

Dews of Hermon, 293

Dick’s edition of Burns, 210

Dinna snore sae loud, Bailie Broon, 75

Dinna bury me like a beast, 400

Doin’ brawly in Perth, 178

Dod, sir, that psalm’ll no sing ava, 162

Donald and his great relations, 207

Don’t call me a soldier, 298

Doon wi’ the ither shillin’ or up she comes, 137

Dow, Rev. Dr., of Errol, 78

“Dowie in the Hint o’ Hairst,” 27

Dram be hang’d: it’s no a bit o’ use, 185

“Drinkin’ Drams,” 192

Dry enough, 78

Dumfries epitaph, 443

Duff, Rev. Dr., of Kilspindie, 78

Dundas, Mr. Henry, 206, 296

Dundee Parish Church beadle and the session, 129

Dundee epitaph, 445

Dunkeld epitaph, 446

Dunlop, Rev. Walter, 56, 67-69

E.

Earl of Eglinton and Will Speir, 383

Earl of Mansfield, 322

Eatin’ amang the brutes, 77

E’enin’s orts mak’ gude mornin’ fodder, 15

Elgin epitaph, 448

Eldin, Lord, 293

Eldon, Lord, 293

Epitaphs, 440

Erskine, Mr., of Alva, 295

Erskine, Sir Henry, 294

Erskine, Rev. Ralph, and the blacksmith, 119

Eskgrove, Lord, 287-289

Every ane has his ain draff-pock, 76

Everybody has his ain bubblyjock, 372

“Evil Eye,” 348

F.

Fa’s feel are ye? 391

Fa’ fuppit the loonie? 13

Fairservice, Andrew, 20

Fairgrieve, Robert, beadle of Ancrum, 124

Family worship: the time o’ year o’t, 37

Far abune the mune, 185

Fashed wi’ a set o’ deein’ men, 115

Fat ’ill tak’ it aff, 14

Fechtin’ wi’ cawnil licht, 37

Fifer more _Fifish_ than his fellows, 370

Finlay, William, quoted, 419

Fleeman, the Laird of Udny’s fool, 386
resists temptation, 390
in Edinburgh, 390
in Perth, 395
shak’-a-fa’s the soldiers, 383
confounds the guilty ploughman, 397

Flype yer stockin’, 15

Flype her, Peety ye couldna, 48

Following a good example, 120

Forfar cobbler, A canny, 43

Forfar epitaph, 450

Forfarshire beadle, 147

Fou! Fou! Fou! 79

Foxes’ tails, Story about the, 166

Fraser, Dr. Alexander, 332

Freits, 343-347

Freedom and whisky, 170

Fun at the Soutar’s, 49

G.

Gairtney epitaph, 441

Gallopin’ consumption, 374

Galt, John, 30

Gey weel sattled doon by this time, 201

Ghost o’ Mause, 351

Ghosts, stories of, 349-355

Giff-gaff, 43

Gilfillan, Rev. George, 80, 85, 86, 276

Gillan, Dr., of Inchinnan, 80

Gillies, Lord, 309

Gin the tail breaks, you’ll see what’s the maitter, 232

Glasgow Cathedral, Account of, 20

Glasgow epitaphs, 450, 451

Gordon, Duchess of, 29

Gordon, Pryse, 443

Gouk’s, Tam, epitaph, 444, 296

Gow, Neil, 177

Gowdie, Isobel, 356

Gown made to fit any party, 296

Gowpen o’ glaur, A, 15

Grace of God, 74

Grave joke, 40

Grat, an’ swat, an’ spat like the very mischief, 125

Green as leeks at the Shotts, 66

Guthrie, Dr., 81, 317

H.

Hackstoun of Rathillet, 121

Haddington epitaphs, 442, 443

Hallowe’en, 363-366

Hamilton, Daft Rab, 377-379

Hay, Sir John, 306

Hammon’s no hanged yet, 75

Harewood’s, Lord, dinner party, 204

Harry at it again, 295

“Hawkie’s” account of himself, 405
autobiography, 403
first public appearance, 405
wanderings, 406-408
debt to the British Government, 410
lodgings, 415
profession—a collector of taxes, 411
opinion of Perth, 413
retorts to the police, 414
retort to Bishop Murdoch, 416
politics, 417
health, 419
“fir jacket,” 419
street oratory, 419

Hermand, Lord, 288-290

Highlandman’s prayer, 225

Highland sermon, 226
letter, 229
lesson in music, 230
apology, 242

Hill, Captain, Epitaph on, 449

Hirsle yont, 15

History of Jonah, 274

Hoddam epitaph, 451

Hogg, James, 24, 260

Hogg quoted, 24, 361

Hoo the streets o’ Jerusalem were keepit clean, 128

Horncliffe epitaph, 452

Hotch-potch, Story of, 212

How long a man may live without brains, 368

I.

I couldna but win, 302

I dinna think ower muckle o’ _him_ for’t either, 315

Ill, vile, evil, devil, 60

Imlah, John, 418

I’m the lad that lowses the graavats, 173

Inglis, James, quoted, 95, 333, 334

Insisting in prayer, 66

Intill’t, what’s intill’t? 212

Inveraray proclamation, 225

Irving, Edward, 69

Is’t a general risin’? 69

It’s dowie in the hint o’ hairst, 27

It’ll no do chaps: we’ll need to try’t a wee thocht laicher, 162

It’ll tak’ it a’ to ser’ the fouk at the funeral, 327

It’s a solemn thing marriage, 112

I wad hang ye a’ at the same price, 203

I wadna lippen him wi’ a bull stirk, 304

J.

J—a—jay—fal-de-riddle—cob, 154

Janet Davidson and the seventh commandment, 118

Jeffrey, Lord, 30, 298

Jessie, my woman, aye dance, 105

Jock and his parritch, 35

“Johnny Gibb,” 30

Johnson, Dr., 199, 329

Johnnie Bell o’ Brakenbrow, 441

John Knox never askit for a stove in his kirk, 88

Jonah and the “whawl,” 64

Jummlin’ the joodgement, and confoondin’ the sense, 125

Just a hint to the Englishers, 202

Just an unco fykieness i’ the mind, 335

K.

Kennedy, David, 151, 196

Killin’ ane anither ower there, 36

Kilmun bellman, 241

Kilspindie story, 103

“Kinnoull Hill,” 155

Kittlin’ in the paup o’ his hass, 162

Knox, John, 204

L.

Lady Greensleeves, 351

Lang time afore it mak’s up for Flodden, 201

Law, Rev. Mr., 74

Lawson, Dr., of Selkirk, 72-73

“Land o’ the Leal,” English ideas of, 210

Leighton, Robert, 212

Left to my ain oath, 302

Leyden and Campbell, 276

Liberals or Conservatives, 54

Line upon line, 158

Loch Ranza epitaph, 450

Logiepert epitaph, 444

Lord, Tam, I wad gie a pound for half an oor o’ thae witnesses, 302

London journalists, 29

Lord Elgin’s burial, 369

Lord’s Prayer intill Auld Scottis, 18
ye just mak’ a dishclout o’t, 71

“Lord Preserve Us!” 291

Love defined, 335

Lundie’s, Laird of, epitaph, 443

Lykewake, 349

M.

Macdonald, Dr. George, 30

Macgregor, Dr., of the Tron, 105

Mackie, M.P., Mr. John, 207

Macklin, Charles, 29

Macknight, Dr., 78

Macleod, Rev. Donald, 138

Macleod, Dr. Norman, 57, 81-83, 91
quoted, 240

Macnab, Laird of, 429-439

Maiden Lilliard’s epitaph, 451

Maistly a native, 47

Man, yon was an ill-faured trick; ye’ll surely tak’ a look o’ the
gudes noo? 216

Mansfield, Earl of, 322

“Mansie Wauch,” 30

Marriage anecdotes, 112-115
customs and superstitions, 347-348

Martin, Sir Theodore, 267, 269

Massacre of the Phairshon, 269

Matthison’s, William, epitaph, 452

Maybe they’ll say the Teevil was a Hielandman, 237

M’Cubbin, Rev. Dr., of Douglas, 77

M’Dougall, Rev. Mr., 99

M’Dougall, Rev. Mr., of Paisley, 164

M’Farlane, Dr., 74

Metaphysics defined, 37

M’Laughlan, Alexander, a Blairgowrie beadle, 128

M’Kenzie, Old Henry, 173

M’Leans before the Flood, 238

M’Laggan, Alexander, 336

M’Taggart quoted, 358

Meadowbank, Lord, 291, 292

Milking “Matthew Henry,” 318

Men of Peace, 362

Meigle epitaph, 452

Melrose epitaph, 450

Melville, Lord, 296

Mitchell, Rev. Mr., 142

Moncrieff, Rev. Sir Henry, 157

Moncrieff, Sir Harry, 291

Morrison, Rev. Walter, 70

Montrose epitaph, 453

Muckle He made o’ that, He was hangit, 286

My cuit’s yeukie, 15, 376

M’Pherson’s, Andrew, epitaph, 443

N.

Naturals, 367

Necessity and Cringletie, 293

Niagara Falls, Scotch idea of, 41

“Noctes Ambrosianæ,” 266

Nine-and-twenty knives that came back from Babylon, 380

No relation at all; but just an acquaintance like yersel’, 207

No soldier, 298

Nothing extraordinary, 50

O.

Oats, definition of, 199

Oh, for a man! 154

One way of rising at the Bar, 295

O’Rell, Max, on Cockney _versus_ Scotch humour, 33

Oliphant, Rev. James, 59

Omens, 343, 344

Oswald of Dunnikier, 369

_Our Ain Folk_, 95

Outram, George, quoted, 192, 265

“Owre the water to Charlie,” 306

P.

Patent machine for sowing turnips, 330

Pairtly they do, and pairtly they mind their ain business, 215

Paisley bodies, 41

Paul, Dr., 61

Perthshire worthies, 323-325

Perthshire farmers, 319-320

Perthshire blacksmith and the dram, 176

Pearlin’ Jean, 350

Pennant quoted, 354

Peterhead epitaph, 442

Picken, Ebenezer, of Paisley, 277

Plenty o’ milk for a’ the parritch, 35

Poacher’s prayer, A, 25

Pockfu’ o’ goats’ horns at the Broomielaw, Like a, 77

Proclamation, Old, 23

Prodigal son, when he came to himself, 63

Professor of Signs, 218

Proverbs, 15

Pitcairn quoted, 356

Pearson, Alison, 363

Plant it wi’ factors, Laird, 388

Prentice, John, beadle of Carnwath, 135

Prince Consort, Story of, 211

_Punch_ an offender, 29, 210

Purdie, Tom, Story of, 259

Put on the goun, sir, 140

Q.

Quadruped here, quadruped there, ye should hae clippit the brute’s
wings, 312

R.

Ramsay, Allan, 267

Ramsay, Dean, 34, 57, 71, 369

Ranting tantin’, tearin’ wind, 65

Rax a rung, and reeshil his rumple, 13

Readin’, the paltry fallow, 90

Repeating tunes, 152, 153

Rhyming Edinburgh shopkeepers, 46

Rin, Bookie, rin, 274

Ritchie, Rev. Dr., of Potterrow, 181

Robertson, Bailie, of Edinburgh, 312

Robertson, Rev. James, of Kilmarnock, 76

Rodger, Alexander, 224, 264

Rogers, Rev. Dr. Charles, 34, 72, 296, 306

Ross, Rev. John, Blairgowrie, 66

Russel of the _Scotsman_, 98

Rutherford, Lord, 296, 329

S.

Sabbath observance, Stories of, 314-317

Santa Claus, 46

Sandy and the shower bath, 45

“Sawney, now the King’s come,” 264

Savin’ the bawbees, 44

Scotland described by an enthusiast, 198

Scotland described by a critic, 199

Scott, Rev. John, 59

Scott, Adam, in Upper Dalgleish, 24

_Scots Magazine_, quoted, 23

Scott, Anecdotes of, 254-264, 331, 335, 370, 371

Scott, Margaret, 444

Scott, Marion, 445

Scott quoted, 19

Scunnered at them baith, 114

Scorin’ abune the breath, 360

_Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia_, 358

Seybo synd’t doon the syvor, 13

Shakespeare maist clever enough to be a Scotchman, 197

Sharpe, Andrew, 448

Sharpe, Charles, Kirkpatrick, quoted, 350

Sheep’s head that will sing, 203

Shepherd, The Ettrick, 232

Shirra, Rev. Robert, Kirkcaldy, 58

_Shi ich_, or men of peace, 362

“Shon M’Nab,” 224

Sittin’ up wi’ the corpse, 349

Skelton, Lord, 297

Skinner, Rev. John, 56, 71

Skirving, Adam, quoted, 270

Skye, epitaph from, 452

Singing before the Queen, 52

Small, Robert, 444

Snaw finds the sinners oot, 133

Snee-snaw-snow, 156

Snuff! snuff! snuff! 78

Snuff in the Sermon, 88

Soldier’s prayer, 36

Somerville, Dr., 353

So, John, 447

Soond! _no_ soond! _a_’ soond! 132

Spak’ o’ lowpin’ ower a linn, 15

Spoon is on the loom, The, 13

_Statistical Account_ quoted, 162, 349

Stick to the _forms_ of the Church, 80

Stuart: a curse on the name, 306

St. Andrews epitaph, 449

Stobo’s, Robert, epitaph, 444

Strang and Bruce, 297

Sydney Smith and Scotch “wut,” 32

T.

Tak’ a snuff, John, 88

Tamlane, The young, 363

“Tammas Bodkin,” 30

“Tandem,” 143

Taylor, the schoolmaster of Currie, 14

Teetotal story, 187

Thae fowk o’ Todhills—they havena broken grund yet, 147

The best redd wig, 73

The Peer of Aberdeen, 299

The Lord’s no deaf, 102

The man’s crackit, 70

The sweep’s dead, 55

There they go—three-a-penny, 84

There’s a chance for ye yet, 61

They’re seein’ noo, 53

The _Harangue_, 288

That man Broom, 288

Thom, Rev. Mr., of Govan, 56, 75, 76

Thomson, the author of “The Seasons,” 352

Thrummy Cap, 351

Trollope, Anthony, 83

Tranent epitaph, 452

To many I a wonder am, 157

Toom barrel aye sounds loudest, A, 77

“Tullochgorum”: story of the author, 71

Tyre’s, Thomas, epitaph, 446

V.

_Valet_ of the shadow of death, 81

Very good for hogs, 200

W.

Waddell, Dr. Hately, quoted, 17

Waggishness in the Inn of Glamis, 51

Wee Macgregor o’ the Tron, 106

We’ll pit ye in the Gorbals first, 39

What the devil he was roaring at, 227

Whaur in a’ the world did I get thae (hic) young deucks? 185

Whaur John Clerk lives, 294

“White Horse,” The, 92

Wheesht a minute, sir, I think I hear a cairt, 103

When the Lord repeats, we’ll repeat, 153

Wightman, Dr., of Kirkmahoe, 113, 371

Whistlin’ in Fife, 325

Wilberforce, Dr., 107

Wilson, Professor, 30, 266

With the author’s compliments, 267

Witches, 355-361

Witch of Fife, 360

Willie Wastle, 27

Woolie Ghost, 353

Y.

Yatterin’ creaturs, wha wad ken what they said, 36

Ye Banks and _Brays_ of Bonnie Doon, 210

Ye Chronicle of Saint Andrew, 188

Ye’re far ower lood, 89

Ye see what ye’ve dune noo wi’ yer _d—d—dawmed_ burial, 325

Ye wad be nane the waur o’ a hanging, 286

Young, Rev. Dr., of Perth, 66

Yule, Rev. Mr., 96