Chapter XX: Act THE THIRD

SCENE I.--_Outside_ Sir DAVY DUNCE's _House in Covent Garden_.

_Enter_ SYLVIA.

Sylv. To fall in love, and to fall in love with a soldier! nay,
a disbanded soldier too; a fellow with the mark of Cain upon
him, which everybody knows him by, and is ready to throw stones
at him for.

_Enter_ COURTINE.

_Cour._ Damn her! I shall never enjoy her without ravishing; if
she were but very rich and very ugly, I would marry her. Ay,
'tis she; I know her mischievous look too well to be mistaken
in it.--Madam.

_Sylv._ Sir.

_Cour._ 'Tis a very hard case, that you have resolved not to
let me be quiet.

_Sylv._ 'Tis very unreasonably done of you, sir, to haunt me
up and down everywhere at this scandalous rate; the world will
think we are acquainted, shortly.

_Cour._ But, madam, I shall fairly take more care of my
reputation, and from this time forward shun and avoid you most
watchfully.

_Sylv._ Have you not haunted this place these two hours?

_Cour._ 'Twas because I knew it to be your ladyship's home,
then, and therefore might reasonably be the place you
least of all frequented; one would imagine you were gone
a-coxcomb-hunting by this time, to some place of public
appearance or other; 'tis pretty near the hour; 'twill be
twilight presently, and then the owls come all abroad.

_Sylv._ What need I take the trouble to go so far a-fowling,
when there's game enough at our own doors?

_Cour._ What, game for your net, fair lady?

_Sylv._ Yes, or any woman's net else, that will spread it.

_Cour._ To show you how despicably I think of the business, I
will here leave you presently, though I lose the pleasure of
railing at you.

_Sylv._ Do so, I would advise you; your raillery betrays your
wit, as bad as your clumsy civility does your breeding.

_Cour._ Adieu!

_Sylv._ Farewell!

_Cour._ Why do not you go about your business?

_Sylv._ Because I would be sure to be rid of you first, that
you might not dog me.

_Cour._ Were it but possible that you could answer me one
question truly, and then I should be satisfied.

_Sylv._ Any thing for composition to be rid of you handsomely.

_Cour._ Are you really very honest? look in my face, and tell
me that.

_Sylv._ Look in your face and tell you! for what? to spoil my
stomach to my supper?

_Cour._ No, but to get thee a stomach to thy bed, sweetheart; I
would if possible be better acquainted with thee, because thou
art very ill-natured.

_Sylv._ Your only way to bring that business about effectually,
is to be more troublesome; and if you think it worth your
while to be abused substantially, you may make your personal
appearance this night.

_Cour._ How? where? and when? and what hour, I beseech thee?

_Sylv._ Under the window, between the hours of eleven and
twelve exactly.

_Cour._ Where shall these lovely eyes and ears
Hear my plaints, and see my tears?

_Sylv._ At that kind hour thy griefs shall end,
If thou canst know thy foe from thy friend. [_Exit._

_Cour._ Here's another trick of the devil now; under that
window between the hours of eleven and twelve exactly! I am a
damned fool, and must go: let me see; suppose I meet with a
lusty beating: pish, that's nothing for a man that's in love;
or suppose she contrive some way to make a public coxcomb of
me, and expose me to the scorn of the world, for an example to
all amorous blockheads hereafter? why, if she do, I'll swear
I have lain with her; beat her relations, if they pretend to
vindicate her; and so there's one love-intrigue pretty well
over. [_Exit._

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE _and_ VERMIN.

_Sir Dav._ Go, get you in to your lady now, and tell her I am
coming.

_Ver._ Her ladyship, right worshipful, is pleased not to be at
home.

_Sir Dav._ How's that? my lady not at home! Run, run in and ask
when she went forth, whither she is gone, and who is with her;
run and ask, Vermin.

_Ver._ She went out in her chair presently after you this
afternoon.

_Sir Dav._ Then I may be a cuckold still for aught I know: what
will become of me? I have surely lost, and ne'er shall find her
more; she promised me strictly to stay at home till I came back
again; for aught I know she may be up three pair of stairs in
the Temple now.

_Ver._ Is her ladyship in law then, sir?

_Sir Dav._ Or it may be taking the air as far as Knightsbridge,
with some smooth-faced rogue or another. 'Tis a damned house,
that Swan: that Swan at Knightsbridge is a confounded house,
Vermin.

_Ver._ Do you think she is there then?

_Sir Dav._ No, I do not think she is there neither; but such a
thing may be, you know: would that Barn-Elms was under water
too! there's a thousand cuckolds a year made at Barn-Elms by
Rosamond's Ponds:[40] the devil! if she should be there this
evening my heart's broke.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY.

_Sir Jol._ That must be Sir Davy; ay, that's he, that's he,
ha, ha, ha; was ever the like heard of? was ever anything so
pleasant?

_Sir Dav._ I'll lock her up three days and three nights without
meat, drink, or light; I'll humble her in the devil's name.

_Sir Jol._ Well, could I but meet my friend Sir Davy, it would
be the joyfullest news for him--

_Sir Dav._ Who's there that has anything to say to me?

_Sir Jol._ Ah, my friend of friends, such news, such tidings!

_Sir Dav._ I have lost my wife, man.

_Sir Jol._ Lost her! she's not dead, I hope?

_Sir Dav._ Yes. Alas, she's dead, irrecoverably lost!

_Sir Jol._ Why, I parted with her within this half-hour.

_Sir Dav._ Did you so? are you sure it was she? where was it?
I'll have my lord chief-justice's warrant and a constable
presently.

_Sir Jol._ And she made the purest sport now with a young
fellow, man, that she met withal accidentally.

_Sir Dav._ O Lord, that's worse and worse! a young fellow!--my
wife making sport with a young fellow! O Lord! here are doings,
here are vagaries! I'll run mad. I'll climb Bow-steeple
presently, bestride the dragon, and preach cuckoldom to the
whole city.

_Sir Jol._ The best of all was, too, that it happened to be an
idle coxcomb that pretended to be in love with her, neighbour.

_Sir Dav._ Indeed! in love with her! who was it? what's his
name? I warrant you won't tell a body--I'll indict him in the
Crown-office; no, I'll issue warrants to apprehend him for
treason upon the statute of Edward 19. Won't you tell me what
young fellow it was? was it a very handsome young fellow, ha?

_Sir Jol._ Handsome? yes, hang him; the fellow's handsome
enough: he is not very handsome neither, but he has a devilish
leering black eye.

_Sir Dav._ O Lord!

_Sir Jol._ His face too is a good riding face; 'tis no soft
effeminate complexion indeed, but his countenance is ruddy,
sanguine, and cheerful; a devilish fellow in a corner, I'll
warrant him.

_Sir Dav._ Bless us! what will become of me? Why the devil
did I marry a young wife? Is he very well shaped too, tall,
straight, and proportionable, ha?

_Sir Jol._ Tall? no, he's not very tall neither, yet he is tall
enough too: he's none of your overgrown, lubberly Flanders
jades, but more of the true English breed, well-knit, able, and
fit for service, old boy; the fellow is well shaped truly, very
well proportioned, strong and active. I have seen the rogue
leap like a buck.

_Sir Dav._ Who can this be? Well, and what think you, friend,
has he been there? Come, come, I'm sensible she's a young
woman; and I am an old fellow--troth, a very old fellow,
I signify little or nothing now. But do you think he has
prevailed? am I cuckold, neighbour?

_Sir Jol._ Cuckold! what, a cuckold in Covent-garden! no, I'll
assure you, I believe her to be the most virtuous woman in the
world; but if you had but seen--

_Sir Dav._ Ay, would I had! what was it?

_Sir Jol._ How like a rogue she used him: first of all comes me
up the spark to her. "Madam," says he--and then he bows down,
thus. "How now," says she, "what would the impertinent fellow
have?"

_Sir Dav._ Humph! ha! well, and what then?

_Sir Jol._ "Madam," says he again, bowing as he did before, "my
heart is so entirely yours, that except you take pity on my
sufferings I must here die at your feet."

_Sir Dav._ So, and what said she again, neighbour? ha!

_Sir Jol._ "Go, you are a fop."

_Sir Dav._ Ha, ha, ha! did she indeed? Did she say so indeed? I
am glad on't, troth, I am very glad on't. Well, and what next?
And how, and well, and what? ha!

_Sir Jol._ "Madam," says he, "this won't do; I am your humble
servant for all this; you may pretend to be as ill-natured as
you please, but I shall make bold."

_Sir Dav._ Was there ever such an impudent fellow?

_Sir Jol._ With that, "Sirrah," says she, "you are a saucy
jackanapes, and I'll have you kicked."

_Sir Dav._ Ha, ha, ha! Well, I would not be unmarried again to
be an angel.

_Sir Jol._ But the best jest of all was, who this should be at
last.

_Sir Dav._ Ay, who indeed! I'll warrant you some silly fellow
or other, poor fool!

_Sir Jol._ E'en a scandalous rakehell, that lingers up and down
the town by the name of Captain Beaugard; but he has been a
bloody cuckold-making scoundrel in his time.

_Sir Dav._ Hang him, sot, is it he? I don't value him this, not
a wet finger, man. To my knowledge she hates him, she scorns
him, neighbour; I know it, I am very well satisfied in the
point; besides, I have seen him since that, and out-hectored
him: I am to tell her from his own mouth, that he promises
never to affront her more.

_Sir Jol._ Indeed!

_Sir Dav._ Ay, ay--

_Enter_ Lady DUNCE, _paying her_ Chairman.

_Chair._ God bless you, madam, thank your honour!

_Sir Jol._ Hush, hush! there's my lady. I'll be gone, I'll not
be seen; your humble servant, God b'w'ye.

_Sir Dav._ No faith, Sir Jolly, e'en go into my house now, and
stay supper with me, we ha'n't supped together a great while.

_Sir Jol._ Ha! say you so? I don't care if I do, faith, with
all my heart; this may give me an opportunity to set all things
right again. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ My dear!

_L. Dunce._ Sir!

_Sir Dav._ You have been abroad, my dear, I see.

_L. Dunce._ Only for a little air; truly I was almost stifled
within doors; I hope you will not be angry, Sir Davy, will you?

_Sir Dav._ Angry, child! no, child, not I; what should I be
angry for?

_L. Dunce._ I wonder, Sir Davy, you will serve me at this rate.
Did you not promise to go in my behalf to Beaugard, and correct
him according to my instructions for his insolence?

_Sir Dav._ So I did, child; I have been with him, sweetheart;
I have told him all to a tittle; I gave him back again the
picture too: but, as the devil would have it, I forgot the
ring--faith, I did.

_L. Dunce._ Did you purpose, Sir Sodom, to render me ridiculous
to the man I abominate? what scandalous interpretation, think
you, must he make of my retaining any trifle of his, sent me on
so dishonourable terms!

_Sir Dav._ Really, my lamb, thou art in the right; yet I went
back afterwards, dear heart, and did the business to some
purpose.

_L. Dunce._ I am glad that you did, with all my heart.

_Sir Dav._ I gave him his lesson, I'll warrant him.

_L. Dunce._ Lesson! what lesson had you to give him?

_Sir Dav._ Why, I told him as he liked that usage he might come
again; ha, ha, ha!

_L. Dunce._ Ay, and so let him.

_Sir Dav._ With all my heart, I'll give him free leave, or
hang me; though thou wouldst not imagine how the poor devil's
altered. La you there now, but as certainly as I stand here,
that man is troubled that he swears he shall not rest day nor
night till he has satisfied thee; pr'ythee be satisfied with
him if 'tis possible, my dear, pr'ythee do. I promised him,
before I left him, to tell thee as much: for the poor wretch
looks so simply, I could not choose but pity him, I vow and
swear, ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Jol._ Now, now, you little witch! now, you chitsface!
Odd, I could find in my heart to put my little finger in your
bubbies.

_L. Dunce._ Sir Davy, I must tell you, that I cannot but resent
your so soon reconcilement with a man that I hate worse than
death, and that if you loved me with half that tenderness which
you profess, you would not forget an affront so palpably and so
basely offered me.

_Sir Dav._ Why, chicken, where's the remedy? What's to be done?
How wouldst thou have me deal with him?

_L. Dunce._ Cut his throat.

_Sir Dav._ Bless us for ever! cut his throat! what, do murder?

_L. Dunce._ Murder! yes, anything to such an incorrigible enemy
of your honour, one that has resolved to persist in abusing of
you. See here this letter, this I received since I last parted
with you; just now it was thrown into my chair by an impudent
lackey of his, kept o' purpose for such employments.

_Sir Dav._ Let me see: a letter, indeed!--"For the Lady Dunce":
damned rogue, treacherous dog, what can he say in the inside
now? here's a villain!

_L. Dunce._ Yes, you had best break it open, you had so; 'tis
like the rest of your discretion.

_Sir Dav._ Lady, if I have an enemy, it is best for me to know
what mischief he intends me; therefore, with your leave, I will
break it open.

_L. Dunce._ Do, do, to have him believe that I was pleased
enough with it to do it myself: if you have the spirit of a
gentleman in you, carry it back, and dash it, as it is, in the
face of that audacious fellow.

_Sir Jol._ What can be the meaning of this now?

_Sir Dav._ A gentleman! yes, madam, I am a gentleman, and the
world shall find that I am a gentleman.--I have certainly the
best woman in the world. [_Aside._

_L. Dunce._ What do you think must be the end of all this? I
have no refuge in the world but your kindness: had I a jealous
husband now, how miserable must my life be!

_Sir Jol._ Ah, rogue's nose! ah, devil! ah, toad! cunning
thief, wheedling slut, I'll bite her by and by.

_Sir Dav._ Poor fool! No, dear, I am not jealous, nor never
will be jealous of thee; do what thou wilt, thou shalt not
make me jealous: I love thee too well to suspect thee.

_L. Dunce._ Ah, but how long will you do so?

_Sir Dav._ How long? as long as I live, I warrant thee,
I--don't talk to a body so: I cannot hold if thou dost, my eyes
will run over, poor fool! poor birdsnies! poor lambkin!

_L. Dunce._ But will you be so kind to me to answer my desires?
will you once more endeavour to make that traitor sensible that
I have too just an esteem of you not to value his addresses as
they deserve?

_Sir Dav._ Ay, ay, I will.

_L. Dunce._ But don't stay away too long, dear; make what haste
you can; I shall be in pain till I see you again.

_Sir Dav._ My dear, my love, my babby, I'll be with thee in a
moment. How happy am I above the rest of men! Neighbour, dear
neighbour, walk in with my wife, and keep her company till
I return again. Child, don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be
troubled.--Was there ever such a wife? well, da, da, da: don't
be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be
troubled, da, da. [_Exeunt_ Sir DAVY _and_ VERMIN.

_L. Dunce._ Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol._ Don't be troubled, pr'ythee don't be troubled, da,
da.

_L. Dunce._ But, Sir Jolly, can you guess whereabout my
wandering officer may be probably found now?

_Sir Jol._ Found, lady? he is to be found, madam--he is to be
at my house presently, lady; he's certainly one of the finest
fellows in the world.

_L. Dunce._ You speak like a friend, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol._ His friend, lady? no, madam, his foe, his utter
enemy; I shall be his ruin, I shall undo him.

_L. Dunce._ You may, if you please, then come both and play
at cards this evening with me for an hour or two; for I have
contrived it so, that Sir Davy is to be abroad at supper
to-night; he cannot possibly avoid it; I long to win some of
the captain's money strangely.

_Sir Jol._ Do you so, my gamester? Well, I'll be sure to bring
him, and for what he carries about him, I'll warrant you--odd,
he's a pretty fellow, a very pretty fellow, he has only one
fault.

_L. Dunce._ And what is that I beseech you, sir?

_Sir Jol._ Only too loving, too good-natured, that's all; 'tis
certainly the best-natured fool breathing, that's all his fault.

_L. Dunce._ Hist, hist, I think I see company coming; if you
please, Sir Jolly, we'll go in.

_Enter_ BEAUGARD, _followed by_ Sir DAVY _and_
VERMIN.

_Sir Jol._ Mum, mum, mum, 'tis he himself, the very same; odds
so, Sir Davy after him too! Hush, hush, hush, let us be gone,
let us retire. Do but look upon him now, mind him a little;
there's a shape, there's an air, there's a motion! Ah, rogue,
ah, devil, get you in, get you in, I say. There's a shape for
you! [_Exit_ Lady DUNCE.

_Beau._ What the devil shall I do to recover this day's loss
again? my honourable pimp too, my pander knight has forsaken
me; methinks I am quandaried, like one going with a party to
discover the enemy's camp, but had lost his guide upon the
mountains. Curse on him, old Argus is here again; there can be
no good fortune towards me when he's at my heels.

_Sir Dav._ Sir, sir, sir, one word with you, sir! Captain,
captain, noble captain, one word, I beseech you.

_Beau._ With me, friend?

_Sir Dav._ Yes, with you, my no-friend.

_Beau._ Sir Davy, my intimate, my bosom-physician!

_Sir Dav._ Ah, rogue! damned rogue!

_Beau._ My confessor, my dearest friend I ever had!

_Sir Dav._ Dainty wheedle, here's a fellow for ye!

_Beau._ One that has taught me to be in love with virtue, and
shown me the ugly inside of my follies.

_Sir Dav._ Sir, your humble servant.

_Beau._ Is that all? if you are as cold in your love as you are
in your friendship, Sir Davy, your lady has the worst time on't
of any one in Christendom.

_Sir Dav._ So she has, sir, when she cannot be free from the
impudent solicitations of such fellows as you are, sir.

_Beau._ As me, sir! why, who am I, good Sir Domine Doddlepate?

_Sir Dav._ So, take notice he threatens me; I'll have him
bound to the peace instantly. Will you never have remorse of
conscience, friend? have you banished all shame from your soul?
Do you consider my name is Sir Davy Dunce? that I have the most
virtuous wife living? do you consider that? Now how like a
rogue he looks again! what a hang-dog leer was that!

_Beau._ Your virtuous wife, sir! you are always harping upon
that string, Sir Davy.

_Sir Dav._ No, 'tis you would be harping upon that string,
sir: see you this? cast your eyes upon this, this letter, sir.
Did you not promise, this very day, to abandon all manner of
proceedings of this nature, tending to the dishonour of me and
my family?

_Beau._ Letter, sir! What the devil does he mean now? Let me
see, "For the Lady Dunce"; this is no scrawl of mine, I'll be
sworn; by Jove, her own hand! what a dog was I! forty to one
but I had played the fool, and spoiled all again. Was there
ever so charming a creature breathing!--Did your lady deliver
this to your hands, sir?

_Sir Dav._ Even her own self in person, sir, and bade me tell
you, sir, that she has too just an esteem of me, sir, not to
value such a fellow as you are as you deserve.

_Beau._ Very good: [_Reads_] "I doubt not but this letter will
surprise you"--in troth, and so it does extremely--"but reflect
upon the manner of conveying it to your hand as kindly as you
can."

_Sir Dav._ Ay, a damned thief, to have it thrown into the chair
by a footman.

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "Would Sir Davy were but half so kind to you
as I am!"

_Sir Dav._ Say you so, you insinuating knave?

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "But he, I am satisfied, is so severely
jealous, that except you contrive some way to let me see you
this evening, I fear all will be hopeless."

_Sir Dav._ Impudent traitor! I might have been a monster yet,
before I had got my supper in my belly.

_Beau._ [_Reads._] "In order to which, either appear yourself,
or somebody for you, half an hour hence in the Piazza, where
more may be considered of. Adieu."

_Sir Dav._ Thanks to you, noble sir, with all my heart; you
are come, I see, accordingly; but, as a friend, I am bound in
conscience to tell you the business won't do; the trick won't
pass, friend; you may put up your pipes, and march off. O Lord!
he lie with my wife! pugh--he make Sir Davy Dunce a cuckold!
poor wretch, ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Jol._ [_To_ BEAUGARD] Hist, hist, hist!

_Re-enter_ Lady DUNCE _and_ FOURBIN _disguised_.

_L. Dunce._ That's he, there he is: succeed, and be rewarded.

_Four._ Other people may think what they please; but, in my
own opinion, I am a very pretty fellow now; if my design but
succeed upon this old baboon, I'll be canonized. Sir, sir, sir.

_Sir Dav._ Friend, with me? would you speak with me, friend?

_Four._ Sir, my commands were to attend your worship.

_Sir Jol._ Beaugard, Beaugard, hist, hist, here, here, quickly,
hist. [_Exeunt_ Sir JOLLY _and_ BEAUGARD.

_Sir Dav._ Where do you live, sweetheart, and who do you belong
to?

_Four._ Sir, I am a small instrument of the city, I serve the
lord mayor in his office there.

_Sir Dav._ How, the lord mayor!

_Four._ Yes, sir, who desires you, by all means, to do him the
honour of your company at supper this evening.

_Sir Dav._ It will be the greatest honour I ever received in
my life. What, my lord mayor invite me to supper? I am his
lordship's most humble servant.

_Four._ Yes, sir, if your name be Sir Davy Dunce, as I have the
honour to be informed it is: he desires you moreover to make
what haste you can, for that he has some matters of importance
to communicate to your honour, which may take up some time.

_L. Dunce._ I hope it will succeed. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ Communicate with me! he does me too noble a favour;
I'll fly upon the wings of ambition to lay myself at his
footstool. My lord mayor sends himself to invite me to supper;
to confer with me too! I shall certainly be a great man.

_Four._ What answer will your worship charge me back withal?

_Sir Dav._ Let his lordship know that I am amazed and
confounded at his generosity; and that I am so transported
with the honour he does me, that I will not fail to wait on him
in the roasting of an egg.

_Four._ I am your worship's lowly slave. [_Exit._

_Sir Dav._ Vermin, go get the coach ready; get me the gold
medal too and chain, which I took from the Roman Catholic
officer for a popish relic [_Exit_ VERMIN.] I'll be fine, I'll
shine, and drink wine that's divine. My lord mayor invite me to
supper!

_L. Dunce._ My dearest, I'm glad to see thee returned in
safety, from the bottom of my heart: hast thou seen the traitor?

_Sir Dav._ Seen him! hang him, I have seen him: pox on him,
seen him!

_L. Dunce._ Well, and what is become of him? where is he?

_Sir Dav._ Why dost thou ask me where he is? What a pox care
I what becomes of him? Pr'ythee don't trouble me with thy
impertinence; I am busy.

_L. Dunce._ You are not angry, my dear, are you?

_Sir Dav._ No, but I am pleased, and that's all one; very much
pleased, let me tell you but that; I am only to sup with my
lord mayor, that's all; nothing else in the world, only the
business of the nation calls upon me, that's all; therefore,
once more I say, don't be troublesome, but stand off.

_L. Dunce._ You always think my company troublesome; you never
stay at home to comfort me; what think you I shall do alone by
myself all this evening, moping in my chamber? Pray, my joy,
stay with me for once.--I hope he won't take me at my word.
[_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ I say again and again, tempter, stand off; I will
not lose my preferment for my pleasure; honour is towards me,
and flesh and blood are my aversion.

_L. Dunce._ But how long will you stay then?

_Sir Dav._ I don't know; may be not an hour, may be all night,
as his lordship and I think fit; what's that to anybody?

_L. Dunce._ You are very cruel to me.

_Sir Dav._ I can't help it; go, get you in, and pass away the
time with your neighbour; I'll be back again before I die; in
the mean time, be humble and conformable, go.

_Re-enter_ VERMIN.

Is the coach ready?

_Ver._ Yes, sir.

_Sir Dav._ Well, your servant. What, nothing to my lady
mayoress? You have a great deal of breeding indeed, a great
deal! nothing to my lady mayoress?

_L. Dunce._ My service to her, if you please.

_Sir Dav._ Well, da, da--the poor fool cries, o' my conscience!
adieu, do you hear, farewell. [_Exit._

_L. Dunce._ As well as what I love can make me.

_Re-enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.

_Sir Jol._ Madam, is he gone?

_L. Dunce._ In post-haste, I assure you.

_Sir Jol._ In troth, and joy go with him!

_L. Dunce._ Do you then, Sir Jolly, conduct the captain hither,
whilst I go and dispose of the family, that we may be private.
[_Exeunt._

SCENE II.--_A Room in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.

_Sir Dav._ Troth, I had forgot my medal and chain, quite,
and clean forgot my relic; I was forced to come up these
back stairs, for fear of meeting my wife again; it is the
troublesomest loving fool! I must into my closet, and write a
short letter too; 'tis post-night, I had forgot that: well, I
would not have my wife catch me for a guinea. [_Exit._

_Enter_ BEAUGARD _and_ Lady DUNCE.

_Beau._ Are you very certain, madam, nobody is this way? I
fancy, as we entered, I saw the glimpse of something more than
ordinary.

_L. Dunce._ Is it your care of me, or your personal fears, that
make you so suspicious? Whereabouts was the apparition?

_Beau._ There, there, just at the very door.

_L. Dunce._ Fie for shame! that's Sir Davy's closet; and he,
I am satisfied, is far enough off by this time. I'm sure I
heard the coach drive him away. But to convince you, you shall
see now: Sir Davy, Sir Davy, Sir Davy. [_Knocking at the
closet-door._] Look you there, you a captain, and afraid of a
shadow! Come, sir, shall we call for the cards?

_Beau._ And what shall we play for, pretty one?

_L. Dunce._ E'en what you think best, sir.

_Beau._ Silver kisses, or golden joys? Come, let us make stakes
a little.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE, _unobserved_.

_Sir Jol._ Ah rogue, ah rogue! are you there? Have I caught you
in faith, now, now, now? [_Aside._

_L. Dunce._ And who shall keep them?

_Beau._ You, till Sir Davy returns from supper.

_L. Dunce._ That may be long enough; for our engine Fourbin has
orders not to give him over suddenly, I assure you.

_Beau._ And is't to yourself, then, I'm obliged for this blest
opportunity? Let us improve it to love's best advantage.

_Sir Jol._ Ah--ah! [_Aside._

_Beau._ Let's vow eternal, and raise our thoughts to
expectation of immortal pleasures: in one another's eyes let's
read our joys, till we've no longer power o'er our desires,
drunk with this dissolving. Oh!

_Re-enter_ Sir _Davy Dunce from his closet_.

_L. Dunce._ Ah! [_Squeaks._

_Beau._ By this light, the cuckold! Presto, nay, then halloo!
[_Gets up, and runs away._

_Sir Dav._ O Lord, a man--a man in my wife's chamber! Murder!
murder! Thieves! thieves! shut up my doors! Madam! madam! madam!

_Sir Jol._ Ay, ay! Thieves! thieves! Murder! murder! Where,
neighbour, where, where?

_L. Dunce._ [_Catches up_ BEAUGARD's _sword, which he had
left behind him in the hurry, and presents it to_ Sir DAVY.]
Pierce, pierce this wretched heart hard to the hilts; dye this
in the deepest crimson of my blood; spare not a miserable
woman's life, whom Heaven designed to be the unhappy object of
the most horrid usage man e'er acted.

_Sir Dav._ What, in the name of Satan, does she mean now?

_L. Dunce._ Curse on my fatal beauty! blasted ever be these two
baneful eyes, that could inspire a barbarous villain to attempt
such crimes as all my blood's too little to atone for: nay, you
shall hear me--

_Sir Dav._ Hear you, madam! No, I have seen too much, I thank
you heartily; hear you, quoth-a!

_L. Dunce._ Yes, and before I die too, I'll be justified.

_Sir Dav._ Justified, O Lord, justified!

_L. Dunce._ Notice being given me of your return, I came with
speed to this unhappy place, where I have oft been blest with
your embraces, when from behind the arras out starts Beaugard;
how he came there Heaven knows.

_Sir Dav._ I'll have him hanged for burglary; he has broken my
house, and broke the peace upon my wife: very good.

_L. Dunce._ Straight in his arms he grasped me fast; with much
ado I plunged and got my freedom, ran to your closet-door,
knocked and implored your aid, called on your name; but all in
vain--

_Sir Dav._ Ha!

_L. Dunce._ Soon again he seized me, stopped my mouth, and,
with a conqueror's fury--

_Sir Dav._ O Lord! O Lord! no more, no more, I beseech thee;
I shall grow mad, and very mad! I'll plough up rocks and
adamantine iron bars; I'll crack the frame of nature, sally out
like Tamberlane upon the Trojan horse, and drive the pigmies
all like geese before me. O Lord, stop her mouth! Well, and
how? and what then? stopped thy mouth! well! ha!

_L. Dunce._ No, though unfortunate, I still am innocent; his
cursed purpose could not be accomplished; but who will live so
injured? No, I'll die to be revenged on myself: I ne'er can
hope that I may see his streaming gore; and thus I let out my
own-- [_Offers to run upon the sword._

_Sir Dav._ Ha, what wouldst thou do, my love? Pr'ythee don't
break my heart: if thou wilt kill, kill me; I know thou art
innocent, I see thou art; though I had rather be a cuckold a
thousand times, than lose thee, poor love, poor dearee, poor
baby.

_Sir Jol._ Alack-a-day! [_Weeps._

_L. Dunce._ Ah me!

_Sir Dav._ Ah, pr'ythee be comforted now, pr'ythee do; why,
I'll love thee the better for this, for all this, mun; why
shouldst be troubled for another's ill doings? I know it was no
fault of thine.

_Sir Jol._ No, no more it was not, I dare swear. [_Aside._

_Sir Dav._ See, see, my neighbour weeps too; he's troubled to
see thee thus.

_L. Dunce._ Oh, but revenge!

_Sir Dav._ Why, thou shalt have revenge; I'll have him
murdered; I'll have his throat cut before to-morrow morning,
child: rise now, pr'ythee rise.

_Sir Jol._ Ay, do, madam, and smile upon Sir Davy.

_L. Dunce._ But will you love me then as well as e'er you did?

_Sir Dav._ Ay, and the longest day I live too.

_L. Dunce._ And shall I have justice done me on that prodigious
monster?

_Sir Dav._ Why, he shall be crows'-meat by to-morrow night; I
tell thee he shall be crows'-meat by midnight, chicken.

_L. Dunce._ Then I will live; since so, 'tis something pleasant:

When I in peace may lead a happy life
With such a husband--

_Sir Dav._ I with such a wife. [_Exeunt._

FOOTNOTES:

[40] Rosamond's Pond (not Ponds) was at the S.W. side of St. James's Park. It was filled up more than a century ago.