Chapter I: Front Matter

Transcriber's Note: This sentence is incomplete, as printed:

Wheelwright, hoping that he was the bearer of agreeable tidings from his estates, threw him all but his last quarter, and Thady took his leave with,

UPS AND DOWNS

IN THE LIFE OF

A DISTRESSED GENTLEMAN.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "TALES AND SKETCHES, SUCH AS THEY ARE."

WILLIAM L. STONE

If fortune wrap thee warm, Then friends about thee swarm, Like flies about a honey pot; But if fortune frown, And cast thee down, Thou mayest lie and rot.

NEW-YORK:

LEAVITT, LORD & CO. 180 BROADWAY.

BOSTON:--CROCKER & BREWSTER.

1836.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, by LEAVITT, LORD & Co., in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and thirty-six, in the Clerk's office of the southern district of New-York.

WEST & TROW, PRS.

TO
ALL DOATING PARENTS,
WHO IMAGINE THAT
WISDOM WILL DIE WITH THEIR OWN CHILDREN,
THIS LITTLE RECORD OF THE
LIFE AND MISFORTUNES OF A GENIUS,
IS AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED,
BY THEIR FRIEND AND WELL WISHER,

THE AUTHOR.

BILL OF LADING.

INTRODUCTION.

How to keep a secret--Unique illustration of the way to do it--Historical truth--Anecdote of a Chinese Emperor 9

CHAPTER I.

Wherein the Author discourses of cycles, of which he enumerates a great variety, illustrates the uses of some, and speaks of the genesis of others. As to the intent or application of this chapter, the reader will be kept in the dark for a time 13

CHAPTER II.

Of pedigree--Introduction to a beautiful section of country--Birth of the hero--The secret of obtaining the root of all evil 20

CHAPTER III.

Genius in its juvenility--Indulgent mothers--Women sure to carry their points--Preparation for the university--How he gets in 27

CHAPTER IV.

Intellectual development--Learned societies--The progress of genius--Idleness and incompetency no bar to academic advancement--Literary exercises--A bit of knotty and doubtful metre--The hill of science--The crowning honor 33

CHAPTER V.

The learned professions--Why a man should not be a lawyer--Contention respecting the birthplace of Homer--Any body can be a doctor--_Bas bleus_--Medical studies and lectures--A studious genius in New-York--Gallantry--Sad effects of choosing the wrong profession 46

CHAPTER VI.

Easy methods of pulpit preparation--Revival of ancient pulpit eloquence--Style of living--The mercantile profession not incompatible with genius--Parallel between Burke and the last man that would be thought of in Rhode-Island--The art of sinking capital--A profitable clerk--A fire--And a mercantile catastrophe 57

CHAPTER VII.

A claim upon the public treasury--Amy Darden--Mr. Whittlesey--Life in Washington--Swells and _attaches_--Fortune's frolics--Difficulty of getting rich by lotteries--Pockets to let 69

CHAPTER VIII.

Ancient edifice--Brief lecture upon the arts--of architecture in particular--Summons from a gentleman in distress--Poppy Lownds--Prison discipline--Not improved since the days of the Vicar of Wakefield--Unexpected meeting with a genius--A scene in limbo--The bastile--An aged prisoner--Illiberality of a landlord--Paying debts by the assistance of the Record 80

CHAPTER IX.

Unexpected morning scene at the foot of Courtlandt-street--An agreeable surprise--Some things can be done as well as others--Fashionable travelling--Touches of the sublime and beautiful--Ancient history of Lake George--Darkness visible--Ludicrous situation of the hero--A skeleton dance which did not take place--Fire works, and a midnight view of mountain, wood, and water scenery 95

CHAPTER X.

The yellow fever--The Genius appearing by the side of a mysterious lady--Unsatisfied curiosity--Fortune-hunting--Bright prospects ahead--Obscured by a little cloud of dubiousness 111

CHAPTER XI.

Mistake of Mr. Pope--Anticipation--Value of editorial assistance in the march of mind--Female education--Model of a modern prospectus--Advantages of travel in the art of imparting female embellishments, mental and physical 124

CHAPTER XII.

Village excitement and ambition--A pattern seminary--Beautiful embroidery and blending of languages--Flight of a flock of girls--A touch of the brogue--An explosion--Miss Fortune turns out to be a humbug--A sad development 139

CHAPTER XIII.

Reflections on poverty--Mistakes of country people concerning the supposed wealth and comfort of every body that lives in town--The narrative resumed--Visit from the hero in a snow-storm--Evidences of misfortune, with a colloquy thereon--Hard way to earn a living--Destitution--Relief therefrom--Miss Edgeworth's tale of Murad, the Unlucky--Seneca--Closing moralities of the chapter 155

CHAPTER XIV.

Visit to the abode of Famine--Unexampled state of destitution--A spectacle that would have melted the heart of Shylock--Singular affection of a wife who loved her husband too well to keep him from starvation--Charitable character of New-Yorkers--Visit to the Lombards--Painful scenes--Frauds and oppression of those establishments--Avarice--How it chills the current of sympathy--Chapter breaks off unfinished 171

CHAPTER XV.

Continuation of the subject--Pawn-brokers' shops good schools of study for the philosopher--Illustration of intemperance--A loving husband--How to provide for one's household--A young man about town--A benevolent gambler--A shark in trouble--Unexpected development--An interesting stranger--Gems--How to embezzle a jewel--The lady's history--Ship of war going to sea--Forebodings--West India climate and scenery--Venus and her glittering train--A hurricane and a shipwreck in which the hero has no concern--Return from the digression--Bedstead timber 183

CHAPTER XVI.

Dilemma of Garrick and the author hereof--Evils of prosperity--Message from a gentleman in Bridewell--Account of a domestic civil war--Tribulations of matrimony--Gallantry of a husband in defence of his wife--Accident to a nose with a woman behind it--Scene in the police, the actors in which were unhappily born in exile from their native land--Clemency of the magistrate--What sad care some people take of their virtue--How to divide a quarrelsome house--COMPLETION OF THE CIRCLE--THE MORAL 207