Chapter II: Part 2

“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.”

“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.”

“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize with the tailor.”

* * * * *

Did you hear about Waters the iceman?

No! what about him?

Why, he went on the stage.

Was he a success?

No, he was a frost.

* * * * *

“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You acted like a fish out of water.”

“Yes, I was a sucker.”

* * * * *

“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine to-day?”

“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.”

* * * * *

“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.”

“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”

* * * * *

“My, but you have large ears!”

“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.”

* * * * *

“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?”

“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.”

* * * * *

“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”

“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the rest.”

* * * * *

“What are you crying about?”

“Oh, they are not regular tears.”

“What are they, then?”

“They’re just volunteers.”

* * * * *

I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots of dust.

Yes, he was a street-sweeper.

* * * * *

“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?”

“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”

* * * * *

“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”

“Yes, husband.”

“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”

* * * * *

“We had short-cake for tea.”

“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”

* * * * *

“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?”

“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!”

* * * * *

Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him to drink. How different it is with men!

* * * * *

_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?”

_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he punched the ticket.”

* * * * *

_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies?

_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.”

* * * * *

Do you like corn on the ear?

I never had one there.

* * * * *

_Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong.

_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is.

* * * * *

“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.”

“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?”

“What good would it do?”

“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the reward.”

* * * * *

A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch in a roll of yer butter.”

* * * * *

“What is your brother doing?”

“Six months.”

* * * * *

“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”

“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.”

* * * * *

_Bill_--That man is a horrible liar.

_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.

* * * * *

“My landlord is a checker-player.”

“What makes you think so?”

“He told me it was my move.”

“Yes?”

“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.”

* * * * *

“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.”

“He did, but she dyed.”

* * * * *

You ought to learn violin.

Why?

It will give your chin a rest.

* * * * *

“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man, “seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.”

“With my heart?”

“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”

“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t her name at all.”

* * * * *

“Do you know what it is to love a woman?”

“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married.” [Sadly.]

“Whom did she marry?”

“Me.”

* * * * *

_He_--Why has he put her picture in his watch?

_She_--Because he thinks she will love him in time.

* * * * *

_She_--My but I was shy when the parson asked me my age.

_He_--Yes, about ten years shy.

* * * * *

“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.”

“Did you leave him there?”

* * * * *

_Jack_--“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked up for stealing kisses?”

_Flo_--“Well, I think he ought to be _tied_ up.”

* * * * *

_Young Wife_--“How do you like my cooking? Don’t you think I’ve begun well?”

_Husband_--“Um--yes. I’ve often heard that well begun is half done.”

* * * * *

“He is a dealer in drawing materials.”

“Crayons?”

“No, mustard plasters.”

* * * * *

_Harry_--Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened to me the other day--I was riding on a Sixth Avenue car when a very fine young lady entered the car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my seat.

_Charlie_--That was proper, perfectly proper.

_Harry_--Well, I only done it to see how I stood.

* * * * *

They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the skylight of one of the skyscrapers.

“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came through and landed on the floor.

“Scotland.”

“How do you know?”

“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!”

* * * * *

“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach last night, only for one thing.”

“What was that--some one take you out for dinner?”

“No, I slept on my back.”

* * * * *

“Where were you?”

“Down on Wall Street.”

“Well, what were you doing down there?”

“Buying wall paper.”

* * * * *

_She_--Yes, my husband run away and shook me when I was forty-five.

_He_--That’s not a bad shake.

* * * * *

Are they twins?

They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl.

* * * * *

“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?”

“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house keeping.”

* * * * *

When does the bank cashier buy a yacht?

When he’s going to be a skipper.

* * * * *

“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you get it twisted.”

“What is that?”

“A corkscrew.”

* * * * *

“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little Archie at dinner, on the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh was present as the guest of honor.

“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?”

“Why, you told mamma this morning that you were going to bring a ‘muttonhead’ home for dinner this evening.”

* * * * *

I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry Herring.” I went in and said, “Mister, do you keep dry herring?” The storekeeper said, “Yes.” I said, “Why don’t you give them a drink?”

* * * * *

“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?”

“Who?”

“The coal man.”

* * * * *

_Woods_--Who is the champion light-weight in your town?

_Lewis_--My grocer.

* * * * *

“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars and he gave her assent.”

“The mean thing!”

* * * * *

A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a club.

* * * * *

A young man asked a widow to marry him.

“What’s the difference between myself and Willard Pond’s Jersey cow?” asked the widow.

“I don’t know,” said the young man.

“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.”

* * * * *

“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?”

“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!”

* * * * *

My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.”

* * * * *

“Waitress, will that roll be long?”

“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.”

* * * * *

“The boss said I was too full of my business.”

“What’s your biz?”

“Whiskey traveller.”

* * * * *

_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow.

_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.

* * * * *

_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I use force.

_Boy_--Force?

_Boss_--Yes, force.

_Boy_--Ever tried Grape-Nuts?

* * * * *

_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”

_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”

* * * * *

“I want something striking for a wedding present.”

“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.”

* * * * *

“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”

“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”

* * * * *

A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand.

* * * * *

“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.”

“How much?”

“Two pints.”

* * * * *

Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak.

* * * * *

What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman?

When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?

When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days after.

* * * * *

_She_ (disgustedly)--Drunk again?

_He_--Hic, so am I.

* * * * *

The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of noise, his wooden leg pained him.

How could that be?

His wife hit him over the head with it.

* * * * *

_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch that all the trouble came about?”

_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it out.”

* * * * *

“How do you tell the age of a turkey?”

“By the teeth.”

“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!”

“No; but I have.”

* * * * *

B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he said: “Scouring the country for money.”

* * * * *

I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat there for two weeks.

When was that?

That was when he was in Chicago.

* * * * *

I always put my money under the mattress at night.

Why?

So I’ll have something to fall back on.

* * * * *

You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car to-day.

I don’t know, what did you see?

The conductor.

* * * * *

“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?”

“Bought ’em.”

“Does your wife choose your clothes?”

“No, she only picks the pockets!”

* * * * *

Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he?

Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy.

* * * * *

When did your teeth first begin troubling you?

When I was cutting them.

* * * * *

“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.”

“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.”

“Where?”

“At the circus.”

* * * * *

If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for ten years.

What did they do with him?

They hung him.

* * * * *

“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.” “Who is it?” “A blind man.”

* * * * *

_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?”

_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.”

_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”

* * * * *

“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.

* * * * *

“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.”

“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”

* * * * *

“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.”

“She must have changed since she married you.”

* * * * *

“Why is a kiss like the three graces?”

“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old maid.”

* * * * *

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s lying?”

* * * * *

Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do?

I would buy a fine comb.

* * * * *

A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often heard of the _fore_ quarters of the globe, but never heard any person say anything about the _hind_ quarters.

* * * * *

“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it stops, that’s no use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards without it?”

“Give it up.”

“The noise!”

* * * * *

“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.”

“Why?”

“Played poker with him last night, when I got up to get a drink he looked at my hand.”

* * * * *

I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I came before the judge he said: “Young man, you’re arrested for picking the pocket of an old man.” I said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as they came in the crowd.”

* * * * *

_She_--Do you believe there are microbes in kisses?

_He_--I never believe anything without investigation.

* * * * *

“My wife was very sick the other night and I thought she would die. She moaned and groaned and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off her.”

“Well, what then?”

“I put the covers back and then she recovered.”

* * * * *

“I want a dog-collar.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. “What size shirt do you wear?”

* * * * *

“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.”

“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!”

“That’s what I said.”

* * * * *

“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?”

“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves and they haven’t got the heart to laugh.”

* * * * *

“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.”

“Is it for your father?”

“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!”

* * * * *

“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?”

“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.”

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Transcriber’s Note:

Perceived printer errors have been changed.

End of Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous