Chapter VIII: Jessie’s Diary

“July 24th.—The richest thing has happened; the best joke I ever heard of; and I give myself great credit for having been the direct cause of its happening! If there is any one thing which father hates more than another, it is a homœopathic physician.

“‘Quacks, humbugs, impositions, loggerheads, ignoramuses!’

“These are very mild names compared with what I’ve heard him call them, declaring he would show the door to the first one who should ever come round him with their two goblets, two spoons, two little plates for covers, and one pill dissolved in a hogshead of water, half a drop to be taken once in six hours! That’s the way he talked, submitting to any amount of blistering, bleeding, drugging, and torturing, and thinking it felt nice. But I’ve played him a trick which will do him good for the remainder of his natural life.

“When I came home last night from Mr. Randall’s, I found him groaning, sweating, and almost swearing with the colic, brought on by too much fruit at dinner, followed by two saucers of cream. He never was in such pain in his life; he should die, he knew he should; and somebody must go for the doctor. Of course every servant was out of sight and hearing, and so I went myself for Dr. Lincoln, who was off in the country miles away, and would not be home for hours. Here was a dilemma; and as I was wondering what to do next, I saw that paragon of M.D.’s, Dr. West, coming down the street. Instantly my decision was made; and looking as anxious as I could, I accosted him at once, begging him to go and prescribe for my father, Judge Verner. He looked at me a little curiously, but acceded to my request, and in less than five minutes I had ushered him into the room, where father was enacting a round of _colicky_ gymnastics, and where Bell looked up in wonder, actually starting to her feet when I introduced _Dr. West_.

“‘Dr. Lincoln was gone, and I brought this one,’ I whispered to father, who was in too much pain to notice particularly, and who thought it Dr. Lincoln’s student.

“‘I shall need some water, a spoon, and two goblets,’ the doctor said, and I hastened to execute the orders, watching father as the stirring process went on, and almost screaming when he swallowed the first spoonful.

“‘I’m afraid it ain’t strong enough, doctor. It hasn’t much taste,’ he said, smacking his lips, as he missed the flavor of Dr. Lincoln’s bottles.

“‘We’ll see what effect it has,’ was the doctor’s reply; and in a few moments down went another drop of the sweetened water; then another, and another, until the groaning and flouncing ceased, and father lay upon his pillow as well-behaved a patient as one would wish to see.

“He was very quiet, and after waiting half an hour the doctor said he did not think he was needed any longer, and would leave.

“‘Should the paroxysms return,’ he said to Bell, ‘give him six of these pills,’ and he placed upon the table a tiny phial, which at once caught father’s eye and set him to raving like a madman.

“‘Bell! Jessie!’ he gasped, as the gate closed after the doctor, ‘who was that chap?—what persuasion, I mean? Was he a rascally—’

“He was in too great a rage to say the words, and so I said it for him.

“‘He was a homœopathist, father. Didn’t he help you quick? You never groaned a groan after the third swallow.’

“‘Third swallow be—no, I won’t swear, but I will say Thunder and Mars!’ he roared; ‘have I been insulted in my own house? I won’t stand it! I’ll gag, I’ll heave, I’ll puke, but what I’ll get rid of the stuff! Give _me_ water for the colic,—_me!_’

“‘But if the water answered the purpose, why do you care?’ Bell asked, and father gave her a look very like, ‘_Et tu Brute_.’

“He could not deny that he was better,—that something had helped him; but it wasn’t sweetened water; no indeed; and I might heave it out of the window.

“I took up the goblet to do so, when he yelled:

“‘Don’t be a fool because you made one of me! Set that glass down and bring me that phial.’

“I obeyed, and he read on the little yellowish paper: ‘For Colic. For an adult, take six every hour. For children from two to three, according to age. Prepared by R. West, M.D., Beechwood.’

“He read it aloud twice, then asked, ‘Who the —— was _R. West, M.D._, and how the plague came he there?’

“The hurricane was over, and I ventured to explain, asking if he were not very gentlemanly and pleasant.

“‘He’s well enough for a _fool_!’ he replied, declaring he should have been better without the truck; that had nothing to do with it.

“This morning I missed the little phial, and when I asked where it was, father told me to mind my business, and then I knew he had it safe in his vest pocket, a charm against future attacks of colic. How Bell scolded when we were alone, and how I rolled on the floor and laughed. Bell is smitten; I can see it in her face and manner. She does nothing but think of Dr. West, who has returned to Beechwood. Will I ever see him again? and does Dora Freeman hate or like him, which?”