Chapter I: Break My Musket (10)

"Well," said he, "continue to think so; that will do no harm."

He went away, but soon returned--I say soon, but I may be wrong in that.

"How do you get on with that dream of yours?" he asked; "what have you dreamed while I wan gone?"

"Confusion," said I; "nothing but confusion."

"If a man is dreaming, will a sharp pain awake him?"

"I suppose so."

"Well, let me try it," and he opened his lancet.

I shrank, and he laughed.

"You are beginning to understand that many things have happened since you were in Aiken?"

I made a motion of my head--moaning half assent.

"You will end by remembering your broken experience," he said, "but it may take some time. Your case is more stubborn than I thought."

"How did I get hurt?" I asked.

"You were knocked down," said he.

"Who did it?" I asked.

"Don't precisely know," said he; "but it makes no difference which one did it; we all know that you were in the right."

"There was a quarrel?" I asked.

"A big one," said he; "I think it best to relieve your curiosity at once by telling you what has happened in the world. If I did not, you would make yourself worse by fancying too much, and you would become more and more bewildered. I can put you right. But can you make up your mind to accept the situation as it is, and bear up in the hope that you will come right in the end?"

I did not reply. I do not know what feeling was uppermost in my mind. It was not anxiety, for my interest in others was pure blank. It was not fear, for he had assured me that my physical condition was more favourable.

"Yes," he continued; "it is best to tell you the truth, and the whole truth, lest your fancy conjure up things that do not exist. After all, there is nothing in it but what you might have reasonably expected when you were in Aiken in eighteen fifty-nine."

"How long have I been in this condition?" I asked.

"This condition? Only since yesterday morning."

"Then why do you say eighteen fifty-nine?"

"Your present condition began yesterday; but it is also true--or at least seems to be true--that you do not remember your experience from October eighteen fifty-nine until yesterday."

"You mean for me to believe that eighteen fifty-nine has all gone?"

"Yes--all gone--in fact, this is summer weather."

I remembered the heat of the past day, and the thunder. Yet it was hard for me to believe that I had been unconscious for six months--but, no; he was not saying I had been unconscious for six months--nobody could live through such a state--he was telling me that I could not remember what I had known six months ago.

"What month is this?" I asked.

"June," said he; "June 4th."

"From October to June is a long time," I said.

"Yes, and many things have happened since October eighteen fifty-nine," said he.

"Doctor, are you serious?" I asked.

"On my honour," said he.

"And I have lost eight months of my life?"

"Oh, no; only the memory of the past, and that loss is but temporary. You will get right after a while."

"And what have I been doing for the past eight months?"

"That is what I've been trying to find out," said he; "I am trying now to find your regiment."

"There you go again about my regiment. Do you expect me to accept that?"

"You said you could trust me," he replied; "why should I deceive you? Tell me why you think I may be deceiving you."

"Because--" said I.

"Because what?"

"I fear that you are hiding a worse thing in order to do me good."

"But I gave you my word of honour, and I give it again. These hills around you are covered by an army."

"Where are we?" I asked, in wonder.

"We are near Richmond; within five miles of it."

"What Richmond?"

"In Virginia."

"And what brought _me_ here? Why should I be here?"

"You came here voluntarily, while you were in good health, no doubt, and while your mind acted perfectly."

"But why should I have come?"

"Because your regiment was ordered to come."

"And why should there be an army?"

"Because your country was invaded. You volunteered to defend your country, and your regiment was ordered here."

"Country invaded? Volunteered?"

"Yes."

"Then we are at war?"

"Yes."

"With England?"

"No; not with England, with the United States."

I laughed gayly, perhaps hysterically.

"Now I know that this is a dream," said I.

"Why?"

"The idea of the United States being at war with itself!" I laughed again.

"Take this," said he, and he gave me another potion. He waited a few minutes for the medicine to affect me. Then he said, "Can you remember how many states compose the United States?"

"Thirty-three, I believe," said I.

"There were thirty-three, I suppose, in eighteen fifty-nine," said he; "but now there are not so many. Eleven of the states--the most of the Southern states--have seceded and have set up a government of their own. We call ourselves the Confederate States of America. Our capital is Richmond. The Northern states are at war with us, trying to force us back into the Union, as they call it. War has been going on for more than a year."

"What!"

"Yes," said he; "all these great events required more than eight months."

"More than a year!" I exclaimed; "what year is this?"

"Here is my record," said he; "here is yesterday's record."

He opened it at a page opposite which was a blank page. The written page was headed June 3,1862. Below the heading were written some eight or ten names,--Private Such-a-one, of Company A or B, such a regiment; Corporal Somebody of another regiment, and so on. Upon one line there was nothing written except _B. Jones_.

Then the doctor brought me a newspaper, and showed me the date. The paper was the Richmond _Examiner_; the date, Wednesday, June 4, 1862.

"This is to-day's paper," said the doctor.

I laughed.

He continued: "Yes, war has been going on for more than a year. The great effort of the United States army is to take Richmond, and the Confederates have an army here to defend Richmond. Here," he added, "I will show you."

He went to the door of the tent and held back the canvas on both sides.

"Look!"

I looked with all my eyes. My vision was limited to a narrow latitude. I could see tents, their numbers increasing as perspective broadened the view. I could see many men passing to and fro.

"You see a little of it," said he; "the lines extend for miles."

I did not laugh. My hands for the first time went up to my face; I wanted to hide my eyes from a mental flash too dazzling and too false; at once my hands fell back.

I had found a beard on my face, where there had been none before.

XXI

ONE MORE CONFEDERATE

"Thy mind and body are alike unfit
To trust each other, for some hours, at least;
When thou art better, I will be thy guide--
But whither?"--BYRON.

I awoke from an uneasy sleep, superinduced, I thought, by the surgeon's repeated potions. My head was light and giddy, but the pain had almost gone. My stomach was craving food.

It was night. Candles were burning on a low table in the middle of the tent. The pallets, other than mine, had disappeared; my dream had changed; the tent seemed larger.

The doctor and two strange men were sitting by the table. I had heard them talking before I opened my eyes.

"I should like to have him, Frank."

Then the doctor's voice said: "I have made inquiry of every adjutant in the brigade, and no such man seems to be missing. But he knows that he is from South Carolina--in fact, his buttons are sufficient proof of that. Then the diary found in his pocket shows the movements of no other brigade than Gregg's. Take him into your company, Captain."

"Can I do that without some authority?"

"You can receive him temporarily; when he is known, he will be called for, and you can return him to his company."

"What do you think of it, Aleck?"

"I think it would be irregular, or perhaps I should say exceptional," said another voice; "the regulations cannot provide for miraculous contingencies."

"The whole thing's irregular," said the doctor; "it's impossible to make it regular until his company is found. What else can you suggest?"

"I don't know. Can't we wait?"

"Wait for what?"

"Wait till we find his people."

"He'll be fit for duty in two days. What'll we do with, him then?--turn him loose? He wouldn't know what to do with himself. I tell you we can't find his regiment, or, at least, we haven't found it, and that he is fit for duty, or will be in a few days; he is not a fit subject for the general hospital, and I wouldn't risk sending him there; Powell would wonder at me."

"Can't you keep him a while longer?"

"I can keep him a few days only; I tell you there is nothing the matter with him. If I discharge him, what will he do? He ought to be attached--he must be attached, else he cannot even get food. It will all necessarily end in his being forced into the ranks of _some_ company, and I want to see him placed right."

"I will not object to taking him if I can get him properly."

"Somebody'll get him. Besides, we can't let him leave us before he has a place to go to. I think I have the right, in this miraculous contingency, as Aleck calls it, to hand him over to you, at least temporarily. Of course you can't keep him always. Sooner or later we'll hear of some regiment that is seeking such a man. His memory will return to him, so that he'll know where he belongs."

"Yes--I suppose so. I am willing to receive him. When his company is found, of course I shall be compelled to let him go."

"If provision is not made for him, he must suffer. I shall fear for him unless we can settle him in some way such as I propose. Am I not right, Aleck?"

"Can't you keep him with you as some sort of help?"

"I would not propose such a thing to him. There could be nothing here for him except a servant's place. He is my man, and I'm going to treat him better than that. By the way, I believe he is awake."

My eyes were wide open. The doctor turned to me and said, "How do you feel now, Jones?"

"Am I here yet?" I muttered.

"Yes. Did you expect to be in two places at once?"

"Where are the others?"

"What others?"

"The five men."

"What five men?"

"The five men on the pallets."

"Oh!--been sent to the general hospital."

"Yes," said I, mournfully; "everything that comes goes again."

"Sound philosophy," said he; "you are getting strong and well. Don't bother your head about what happened last century or last year."

He went to the door and called William.

The negro man came. "Some soup," said the doctor.

The soup was good. I felt better--almost strong. The doctor's friends sat by, saying nothing. The doctor smiled to see me take the soup somewhat greedily.

"Talk to him, Captain," said the doctor.

"My friend," said one of the men, "allow me to ask if you know where you are."

"I know what I've been told," said I.

"You must be good enough to believe it," said he; "you believe it or you doubt it. Do you still doubt it?"

"Yes," I said boldly.

"I can't blame you," said he. His voice was low and firm--a gentleman's voice; a voice to inspire confidence; a voice which I thought, vaguely, I had heard before.

"Yet," he continued, "to doubt it you must be making some theory of your own; what is it, please?"

He spoke with a slight lisp. I noticed it, and felt pleased that I had got to a stage in which, such a trifle was of any interest.

"The only possible theories are that I am dreaming and--"

"Be good enough to tell me another."

He had not interrupted me; I had hesitated.

"I know!" exclaimed the doctor; "he thinks I am concealing worse by inventing a war with all its _et ceteras_. His supposition does me credit in one way, but in another it does me great injury. Although I have given him my word of honour that I am concealing nothing, he still hangs to his notion that I am lying to him in order to keep from him a truth that might be dangerous to his health. I shall be compelled to call him out when he gets well. Will you act for me, Aleck?"

"With great pleasure," said the man addressed; "but perhaps your friend will make the _amende_ when he knows the injustice of his suspicions."

"Have I told either of you what I have said to Jones about the war?" asked the doctor.

"Certainly not; so far as I have the right to speak," said the Captain. The other man shook his head.

"Then tell Jones the conditions here."

"Oh, Doctor, don't be so hard on me! I accept all you say, although it is accepting impossibilities."

"Then, about your dream theory," said the Captain; "would you object to my asking if you have ever had such a dream--so vivid and so long?"

"Not that I know of," said I.

"You think that Dr. Frost and my brother and I are mere creatures of your fancy?"

The candles did not give a great light. I could not clearly see his features. He came nearer, moving his stool to my side. My head was below him, so that I was looking up at his face. He was a young man. His face was almost a triangle, with its long jaw.

"I believe that dreams are not very well understood, even by the wisest," he said. "Do me the kindness to confess that your present experience, if a dream, is more wonderful than any other dream you have had."

Though my head was dizzy, I thought I could detect a slight tinge of irony in this excessively polite speech.

"I think it must be," I replied; "although I cannot remember any other dream."

"Then, might not one say that the only dream you are conscious of is not a dream?"

"That contradicts itself," said I.

"And you find yourself unable to accept the word of three men that you are not dreaming?"

"Not if they are men of my dream," said I.

"A good retort, sir," he said. "Do me the kindness to tell me your notion of a dream. Do you think it should be consistent throughout, or should there be strong intrinsic proof of its own unrealness?"

"Captain," I said, "I cannot tell. I know nothing. I doubt my own existence."

"Pardon me," said he; "you know the test--you think, therefore you exist. Are you not sure that you think?"

"I think, or I dream that I think."

"Well said, sir; an excellent reasoner while dreaming. But suppose you dream on; what will be the result?"

"Dream and sleep till I awake," said I.

"May I ask where you will awake?"

"In Aiken."

"I know a little of Aiken," said the Captain; "I was there not a year ago."

Naturally the remark was of interest to me.

"When was it?" I asked.

"It was in August, of last year. You remember, Frank, I was recruiting for the reorganized First."

"August of what year?" I asked.

"August eighteen sixty-one, very naturally."

"Gentlemen," said I, "bear with me, I beg you. I am not myself. I am going through deep waters, I know nothing."

"We know," said the doctor; "and we are going to see you through." Then he added: "Captain Haskell came from Abbeville. He has men in his company from several of the districts; possibly some of them would know you, and you might know them."

I did not want to know them. I said nothing. The doctor's suggestion was not to my liking. Why should I join these men? What, to me, was this captain? What was I to him? So far as I know, I had no interest in this war. So far as I could know myself, my tastes did not seem to set strongly in the direction of soldiering. Those men could get along without my help. Why could I not find a different occupation? Anything would be better than getting killed in a cause I did not understand. Then, too, I was threatened with the wretched condition of an object of common curiosity. If I was going to be gazed at by this officer and his men,--if I was to be regarded as a freak,--my way certainly did not lie with theirs.

"Frank," said the Captain's brother, "would it hurt Jones to go out of the tent for a moment?"

"Not at all," said the doctor; "a good suggestion."

"Why should I go out?" I asked.

"Only to look about you," he replied.

The doctor helped me to my feet. I was surprised to find myself so strong. Dr. Frost took my arm; all of us went out.

I looked around. Near us but little could be seen--only a few fires on the ground. But far off--a mile or so, I don't know--the whole world was shining with fires; long lines of them to the right and the left.

We returned into the tent. Not a word had been spoken.

Captain Haskell now said to me: "Pardon me for now leaving you. Command me, if I can be of any help; I trust you will not think me too bold in advising you to make no hasty decision which you might regret afterward; good-by."

"Good-by, Captain," I replied; "I must trust the doctor."

The Captain's brother lingered. Dr. Frost was busy with him for a while, over some writing; I inferred that the surgeon was making a report. When this matter was ended the doctor said to me, "This officer also is a Captain Haskell; he is assistant adjutant-general of Gregg's brigade, and is a brother of Captain William Haskell."

The adjutant now came nearer and sat by me. "Yes," said he; "but I was in my brother's company at first. We all shall be glad to help you if we can."

"Captain," said I, "your goodness touches me keenly. I admire it the more because I know that I am nothing to you gentlemen."

"Why," said he, "your case is a very interesting one, especially to Dr. Frost, and we are all good friends; the doctor was in Company H himself--was its first orderly sergeant. Frank called our attention to your case in order that we might try to help you, and we should be glad to help."

"Jones," said Dr. Frost, "it is this way: The army may move any day or any hour. You cannot be sent to the general hospital, because you are almost well. Something must be done with you. What would you have us do?"

"I have no plans," said I; "it would be impossible for me to have any plan. But I think it would be wrong for me to commit myself to something I do not understand. You seem to suggest that I enlist as a soldier. I feel no desire to go to war, or to serve as a soldier in any way. Possibly I should think differently if I knew anything about the war and its causes."

"You are already a Confederate soldier," said Dr. Frost. "I think, Frank," said Adjutant Haskell, "that if the causes of the war were explained to your friend, he would be better prepared to agree to your wishes. Suppose you take time to-morrow and give him light; I know he must be full of curiosity."

"Right!" said the doctor; "I'll do it. Let him know what is going on. Then he'll see that we are right. He'd have it to do, though, in the end."

"Yes; but let him understand fully; then he'll be more cheerful; at any rate, it can do no harm."

"But why should I be compelled to serve?" I asked.

"Jones, my dear fellow, you seem determined not to believe that you are already a soldier," said the doctor.

"If I am a soldier, I belong somewhere," said I.

"Of course you do," said Adjutant Haskell; "and all that we propose is to give you a home until you find where you belong; and the place we propose for you is undoubtedly the best place we know of. Company H is a fine body of men; since I am no longer in it I may say that they are picked men; the most of them are gentlemen. Let me mention some good old Carolina names--you will remember them, I think. Did you never hear the name of Barnwell?"

"Yes, of course," I said; "I've been to Barnwell Court-House. I believe this place--I mean Aiken--is in Barnwell district."

"Well, John G. Barnwell is the first lieutenant in Company H. Do you know of the Rhetts?"

"Yes, the name is familiar as that of a prominent family."

"Grimké Rhett is a lieutenant in Company H. Then there are the Seabrooks and the Hutsons, and Mackay, and the Bellots[6], and Stewart, and Bee, and Fraser Miller, and many more who represent good old families. You would speedily feel at home."

[6] The Bellots were of a French Huguenot family, which settled in Abbeville, S.C. (in 1765?). The name gradually came to be pronounced _Bellotte_. [ED.]

"Gentlemen," said I, "how I ever became a soldier I do not know. I am a soldier in a cause that I do not understand."

"And you have done many other things that you could not now understand if you were told of them," said the doctor.

"But, Jones," said the adjutant, "a man who has already been wounded in the service of his country ought to be proud of it!"

"What do you mean, Captain?" I asked.

"Hold on!" said Dr. Frost. "Well, I suppose there is no harm done. Tell him how he was hurt, Aleck."

"How did you suppose you received your hurt?" asked the adjutant.

"I was told by Dr. Frost that somebody knocked me down," said I, with nervous curiosity.

"Yes, that's so; somebody did knock you down," said the doctor.

"You were struck senseless by a bursting shell thrown by the enemy's cannon," said the adjutant, "and yet you refuse to admit that you are a soldier!"

To say that I was speechless would be weak. I stared back at the two men.

"You have on the uniform; you are armed; you are in the ranks; you are under fire from the enemy's batteries, where death may come, and does come; you are wounded; you are brought to your hospital for treatment. And yet you doubt that you are a soldier! You must be merely dreaming that you doubt!"

While speaking Adjutant Haskell had risen, a sign that he was getting angry, I feared; but no, he was going to leave. "Jones, good-by," he said; "hold on to that strong will of yours, but don't let it fall into obstinacy."

The doctor came nearer. "You are stronger than you thought," said he.

"Yes, I am. I was surprised."

"You remind me of horses I have seen fall between the shafts; they lie there and seem to fancy that they have no strength at all. I suppose they think that they are dreaming."

At this speech. I laughed aloud--why, I hardly know, unless it was that my own mind recalled one such ludicrous incident; then, too, it was pleasant to hear the doctor say that I was strong.

"Yes, Jones; all you need is a little more time. Two or three days will set you up."

"Doctor, I cannot understand it at all; this talk about armies, and war, and wounds, and adjutants--what does it all mean?"

"You must not try to know everything at once. I think you are now convinced that there is a war?"

"Yes."

"You will learn all about it very soon, perhaps to-morrow; it ought to be enough for you to know that your country is in danger. Are you a patriot?"

"I trust so."

"Well, of course you are. Now you must go to sleep. You have talked long enough. Good night. I will send William to give you a night-cap."

* * * * *

The next morning Dr. Frost expressed great satisfaction with my progress, and began, almost as soon as I had eaten, to gratify my curiosity.

"I believe that you confess to the charge of being a patriot," said he.

"I trust I am," said I.

"We are invaded. Our homes are destroyed. Our women are insulted. Our men are slain. The enemy is before our capital and hopes to conquer. Can you hesitate?"

"I should not hesitate if I understood as you understand. But how can you expect me to kill men when I know nothing of the merits of the cause for which I am told to fight?"

"Jones, so far as I am concerned, and so far as the government is concerned, your question is hardly pertinent. You are already a Confederate soldier by your own free act. Your only chance to keep from serving is to get yourself killed, or at least disabled; I will not suggest desertion. For your sake, however, I am ready to answer any question you may ask about the causes of the war. You ought to have your mind satisfied, if it be possible."

"What are they fighting about?"

"Do you recall the manner in which the United States came into existence?"

"Yes, I think so," said I.

"Tell me."

"The colonies rebelled against Great Britain and won their independence in war," said I.

"Well; what then?"

"The colonies sent delegates to a convention, and the delegates framed a constitution."

"Well; what then?"

"The colonies agreed to abide by the constitution."

"That is to say, the Colonies, or States, ratified the action of the constitutional convention?" he asked.

"Yes; that is what I mean," said I.

"Then do you think the States created the general government? Think a little before you answer."

"Why should I think? It seems plain enough."

"Yet I will present an alternative. Did the States create the Federal government, or did the people of the whole United States, acting as a body-politic, create it?"

"Your alternative seems contradictory," said I.

"In what respect?"

"It makes the United States exist before the United States came into existence," said I.

"Then what would your answer be?"

"The people of each colony, or each State rather, sent delegates. The delegates, representing the respective States, framed the constitution. The people, if I mistake not, ratified the constitution, each State voting separately. Therefore I think that the United States government is a creature of the States and not of the people as a body-politic; for there could have been no such body-politic."

"Jones, my dear fellow, you are a constitutional lawyer; you ought never to have entered military service."

"Besides," said I, "Rhode Island and North Carolina refused for a time to enter into the agreement."

"And suppose they had refused finally. Would, the other States have compelled them to come in?" he asked.

"I cannot say as to that," said I.

"Do you think they would have had the moral right to coerce them?"

"The question is too hard for me to answer, Doctor; I cannot very well see what ought to have been done."

"The two States would have had some rights?"

"Certainly."

"What rights would the United States have had over the two States?"

"I do not think the Federal government would have had any; but the people would have had some claim--what, I cannot say. I do not think that Rhode Island had the moral right to endanger the new republic by refusing to enter it. But there may have been something peculiar in Rhode Island's situation; I do not remember. I should say that the question should have been settled by compromise. Rhode Island's objections should have been considered and removed. A forced agreement would be no agreement."

"When the States formed the government, did they surrender all their rights?"

"I think not."

"What rights did they retain?"

"They retained everything they did not surrender."

"Well, then, what did they surrender? Did they become provinces? Did they surrender the right of resistance to usurpation?"

"I think not."

"Would you think that the States had formed a partnership for the general good of all?"

"Of course, Doctor; but I am not quite sure that the word 'partnership' is the correct term."

"Shall we call it a league? A compact? A federation? A confederacy?"

"I should prefer the word 'union' to any of those," I said. "The title of the republic means a union."

"What is the difference between a union and a confederacy?"

"I don't know that there is any great difference; but the word 'union' seems to me to imply greater permanence."

"You think, then, that the United States must exist always?"

"I think that our fathers believed that they were acting for all time--so far as they could," said I; "but, of course, there were differences, even among the framers of the constitution."

"Suppose that at some time a State or several States should believe that their interests were being destroyed and that injustice was being done."

"The several branches of government should prevent that," said I.

"But suppose they knew that all the branches of the government were united in perpetrating this injustice."

"Then I do not know what such States ought to do," said I.

"Suppose Congress was against them; that the majority in Congress had been elected by their opponents; that the President and the judges were all against them."

"The will of the majority should rule," said I.

"Even in cases where not only life and liberty but honour itself must be given up or defended?"

"Then I don't know what they ought to do," I repeated.

"Ought they to endure tamely?"

"No; but what their recourse would be I cannot justly see; it seems that the constitution should have provided some remedy."

"You believe in the right to revolt against tyranny?"

"Yes."

"Well, suppose your State and other States, her neighbours, should conclude that there was no remedy against injustice except in withdrawing from the partnership, or union."

"I should say that would be a very serious step to take, perhaps a dangerous step, perhaps a wrong step," said I. "But I am no judge of such things. It seems to me that my mind is almost blank concerning politics."

"Yes? Well, suppose, however, that your State should take that step, in the hope that she would be allowed to withdraw in peace; would her citizens be bound by her action?"

"Of course. South Carolina, you say, has withdrawn; that being the case, every citizen of the State is bound by her act, as long as he remains a citizen."

"South Carolina has withdrawn, but her hope for a peaceable withdrawal is met by United States armies trying to force her back into the Union. Under these circumstances, what is the duty of a citizen of South Carolina?"

"I should say that so long as he remains a citizen of the State, he must obey the State. He must obey the State, or get out of it."

"And if he gets out of it, must he join the armies that are invading his State and killing his neighbours and kinsmen?"

"I think no man would do that."

"But every one who leaves his State goes over to the enemies of his State, at least in a measure, for he deprives his State of his help, and influences others to do as he has done. Do you think that South Carolina should allow any of her citizens to leave her in this crisis?"

"No; that would be suicidal. Every one unwilling to bear arms would thus be allowed to go."

"And a premium would be put upon desertion?"

"In a certain sense--yes."

"Can a State's duty conflict with the duty of her citizens?"

"That is a hard question, Doctor; if I should be compelled to reply, I should say no."

"Then if it is South Carolina's duty to call you into military service, is it not your duty to serve?"

"Yes; but have you shown that it is her duty to make me serve?"

"That brings up the question whether it is a citizen's duty to serve his country in a wrong cause, and you have already said that a man should obey her laws or else renounce his citizenship."

"Yes, Doctor, that seems the only alternative."

"Then you are going to serve again, or get out of the country?"

"You are putting it very strongly, Doctor; can there be no exception to rules?"

"The only exception to the rule is that the alternative does not exist in time of war. The Confederate States have called into military service all males between eighteen and forty-five. You could not leave the country--excuse me for saying it; I speak in an impersonal sense--even if you should wish to leave it. Every man is held subject to military service; as you have already said, the State would commit suicide if she renounced the population from which she gets her soldiers. But, in any case, what would you do if you were not forced into service?"

"I am helpless," I said gloomily.

"No; I don't want you to look at it in that way; you are not helpless. What I have already suggested will relieve you. We can attach, you to any company that you may choose, with the condition that as soon as your friends are found you are to be handed over to them--I mean, of course, handed over to your original company. It seems to me that such a course is not merely the best thing to do, but the only thing to do."

"Doctor," said I, "you and your friends are placing me under very heavy obligations. You have done much yourself, and your friends show me kindness. Perhaps I could do no better than to ask you to act for me. I know the delicacy of your offer. Another man might have refused to discuss or explain; he had the power to simply order me back into the ranks."

"No," said he; "I am not so sure that any such power could have been exercised. To order you back into the ranks is not a surgeon's duty to his patient. There seems to be nothing whatever in the army regulations applying to such a case as yours. You have been kept here without authority, except the general authority which empowers the surgeon to help the wounded. But I have no control over you whatever. If you choose, nobody would prevent you from leaving this hospital. I cannot make a report of your case on any form furnished me. It was this difficulty, in your case, that made me beg the brigade adjutant to visit you; while the matter is irregular, it is, however, known at brigade headquarters, so that it is in as good a shape as we know how to put it. I cannot order you back into the ranks; you would not know what to do with yourself; what I suggest will relieve you from any danger hereafter of being supposed a deserter; we keep trace of you and can prove that you are still in the service and are obeying authority."

"That settles it!" I exclaimed; "I had not thought of the possibility of being charged with desertion."

"To tell you the truth, no more had I until this moment. We must get authority from General Hill in this matter, in order to protect you fully. At this very minute no doubt your orderly-sergeant and the adjutant of your regiment are reporting you absent without leave. I must quit you for a while."

* * * * *

What had seemed strangest to me was the lack of desire, on my part, to find my company. I had tried, from the first moment of the proposition to join Company H, to analyze this reluctance in regard to my original company, and had at last confessed to myself that it was due to exaggerated sensitiveness. Who were the men of my company? should I recognize them? No; they would know me, but I should not know them. This thought had been strong in holding me back from yielding to the doctor's views; I had an almost morbid dread of being considered a curiosity. So, I did not want to go back to my company; and as for going into Captain Haskell's company, I considered that project but a temporary expedient--my people would soon be found and I should be forced back where I belonged and be pointed out forever as a freak. So I wanted to keep out of Company H and out of every other company; I wanted to go away--to do something--anything--no matter what, if it would only keep me from being advertised and gazed upon.

Such had been my thoughts; but now, when Dr. Frost had brought before me the probability of my being already reported absent without leave, and the consequent possibility of being charged with desertion, I decided at once that I should go with Captain Haskell. Whatever I might once have been, and whatever I might yet become, I was not and never should be a deserter.

When I next saw Dr. Frost I asked him when I should be strong enough for duty.

"You are fit for duty now," said he; "that is, you are strong enough to march in case the army should move. I do not intend, however, to let you go at once, unless there should be a movement; in that case I could not well keep you any longer."

I replied that if I was strong enough to do duty, I did not wish to delay. To this he responded that he would ask Captain Haskell to enroll me in his company at once, but to consider me on the sick list for a few days, in order that I might accustom myself gradually to new conditions.

XXII

COMPANY H

"In strange eyes
Have made me not a stranger; to the mind
Which is itself, no changes bring surprise;
Nor is it hard to make, nor hard to find
A country with--ay, or without mankind."--BYRON.

In the afternoon of the day in which occurred the conversation recounted above, I was advised by the doctor to take a short walk.

From a hill just in rear of the hospital tents I could see northward and toward the east long lines of earthworks with tents and cannon, and rows of stacked muskets and all the appliances of war. The sight was new and strange. I had never before seen at one time more than a battalion of soldiers; now here was an army into which I had been suddenly thrust as a part of it, without experience of any sort and without knowledge of anybody in it except two or three persons whom, three days before, I had never heard of. The worthiness of the cause for which this great army had been created to fight, was not entirely clear to me; it is true that I appreciated the fact that in former days, before my misfortune had deprived me of data upon which to reason, I had decided my duty as to that cause; yet it now appealed to me so little, that I was conscious of struggling to rise above indifference. I reproached myself for lack of patriotism. I had read the morning's _Dispatch_ and had been shocked at the relation of some harrowing details of pillage and barbarity on the part of the Yankees; yet I felt nothing of individual anger against the wretches when I condemned such conduct, and my judgment told me that my passionless indignation ought to be hot. But this peculiarity seemed so unimportant in comparison with the greater one which marked me, that it gave me no concern.

In an open space near by, many soldiers were drilling. The drum and the fife could be heard in all directions. Wagons were coming and going. A line of unarmed men, a thousand, I guessed, marched by, going somewhere. They had no uniform; I supposed they were recruits. A group of mounted men attracted me; I had little doubt that here was some general with his staff. Flags were everywhere--red flags, with diagonal crosses marked by stars.

A man came toward me. His clothing was somewhat like my own. I started to go away, but he spoke up, "Hold on, my friend!"

He was of low stature,--a thick-set man, brown bearded.

When he was nearer, he asked, "Do you know where Gregg's brigade is?"

"No; I do not," said I; "but you can find out down there at the hospital tents, I suppose."

"I was told that the brigade is on the line somewhere about here," said he.

"I will go with you to the tent," said I.

"I belong to the First," he said, "I've been absent for some days on duty, and am just getting back to my company. Who is in charge of the hospital?"

"Dr. Frost," said I.

"Oh, Frank?" said he; "I'll call on him, then. He was our orderly-sergeant."

By this speech I knew that he was one of Captain Haskell's men, and I looked at him more closely; he had a very pleasant face. I wanted to ask him about Company H, but feared to say anything, lest he should afterward, when I joined the company, recognize me and be curious. However, I knew that my face, bound up as my head was, would hardly become familiar to him in a short time, and I risked saying that I understood that Dr. Frost had been orderly-sergeant in some company or other.

"Yes; Company H," said he.

"That must be a good company, as it turns out surgeons."

"Yes, and it turns out adjutants and adjutant-generals," said he.

"You like your company?"

"Yes, and I like its captain. I suppose every man likes his own company; I should hate to be in any other. Have you been sick?"

"Yes," said I; "my head received an injury, but I am better now."

"You couldn't be under better care," said he.

When we had reached the tent, Dr. Frost was not to be seen.

"I'll wait and see him," said the man; "he is not far off, I reckon, and I know that the brigade must be close by. What regiment do you belong to?"

The question was torture. What I should have said I do not know; to my intense relief, and before the man had seen my hesitation, he cried, "There he is now," and went up to the doctor; they shook hands. I besought the doctor, with a look, not to betray me; he understood, and nodded.

The man, whom Dr. Frost had called Bellot, asked, "Where is the regiment?"

"Three-quarters of a mile northwest," said the doctor, and Bellot soon went off.

"I'm a little sorry that he saw you," said the doctor; "for you and he are going to be good friends. If he remembers meeting you here to-day, he may be curious when he sees you in Company H; but we'll hope for the best."

"I hope to be very greatly changed in appearance before he sees me again," said I, looking down on my garments, which were very ragged, and seemed to have been soaked in muddy water, and thinking of my strange unshaven face and bandaged head; "I must become indebted to you for something besides your professional skill, Doctor."

"With great pleasure, Jones; you shall have everything you want, if I can get it for you. I've seen Captain Haskell; he says that he will not come again, but he bids you be easy; he will make your first service as light as possible and will ... wait! I wonder if you have forgotten your drill!"

"I know nothing about military drill," I said, "and never did know anything about it."

"You will be convinced, shortly, that you did," said he; "you may have lost it mentally, but your muscles haven't forgotten. In three days under old John Wilson, I'll bet you are ready for every manoeuvre. Just get you started on 'Load in nine times load,' and you'll do eight of 'em without reflection."

"If I do, I shall be willing to confess to anything," said I.

"Here, now; stand there--so! Now--_Right_--FACE!"

I did not budge, but stood stiff.

"When I say 'Right--Face,' you do _so_," said he.

"_Right_--FACE!"

I imitated the surgeon.

"FRONT!--that's right--_Left_--FACE! That's good--FRONT!--all right; now again--_Right_--FACE!--FRONT!--_Left_--FACE!--FRONT!--_About_--put your right heel so--FACE! Ah! you've lost that; well, never mind; it will all come back. I tell you what, I've drilled old Company H many a day."

I really began to believe that Surgeon Frost had an affection for me, though, of course, his affection was based on a sense of proprietorship acquired through discovery, so to speak.

After supper he said: "You are strong enough to go with me to Company H. W'ell drive over in an ambulance."

From points on the road we saw long lines of camp-fires. On the crest of a hill, the doctor pointed to the east, where the clouds were aglow with light. "McClellan's army," said he.

"Whose army?" I asked.

"McClellan's; the Yankee army under McClellan."

"Oh, yes! I read the name in the paper to-day," said I.

"He has a hundred and fifty thousand men," said he.

"And their camp-fires make all that light?"

"Yes--and I suppose ours look that way to them."

Captain Haskell's company was without shelter, except such, as the men had improvised, as the doctor said; here and there could be seen a blanket or piece of canvas stretched on a pole, and, underneath, a bed of straw large enough for a man. Brush arbours abounded. The Captain himself had no tent; we found him sitting with his back to a tree near which was his little fly stretched over his sleeping-place. Several officers were around him. He shook the doctor's hand, but said nothing to me. The officers left us.

"I have brought Jones over, Captain," said the surgeon, "that you may tell him personally of your good intentions in regard to his first service with you. He wishes to be enrolled."

"If Private Jones--" began the Captain.

"My name is Berwick--Jones Berwick," I said.

"There's another strange notion," said the doctor; "you've got the cart before the horse."

"No, Doctor," I insisted earnestly; "my name is Jones Berwick."

"We have it 'B. Jones,'" said the doctor; "and I am certain it is written that way in your diary. If you are Private Berwick instead of Private Jones, no wonder that nobody claims you."

"I know that my surname is Berwick, but I know nothing of Private Berwick," said I.

"Well," said Captain Haskell, "if you have got your name reversed, that is a small matter which will straighten itself out when you recover your memory. What I was going to say is, that you may be received into my company as a recruit, as it were, but to be returned to your original company whenever we learn what company that is. We will continue, through brigade headquarters, to try to find out what regiment you are from--and under both of your names. While you are with me I shall cheerfully do for you all that I can to favour your condition. You will be expected, however, to do a man's full duty; I can stand no shirking."

The Captain's tone was far different from that he had used toward me in the tent; his voice was stern and his manner frigid.

"We will take the best care of you that we can," he continued, "and will keep to ourselves the peculiar circumstances of your case; for I can well understand, although you have said nothing about it, sir, that you do not wish confidences."

His tone and manner were again those of our first interview.

"Captain," I said, "I know nothing of military life."

"So we take you as a new man," said he, adopting anew his official voice, "and we shall not expect more of you than of an ordinary recruit; we shall teach you. If you enroll with me, I shall at once make a requisition for your arms and accoutrements, your knapsack, uniform, and everything else necessary for you. You may remain in the hospital until your equipment is ready for you. Report to me day after to-morrow at noon, and I will receive you into my company. Now, Frank, excuse me; it is time for prayers."

The men gathered around us. Captain Haskell held a prayer-book in his hand. A most distinguished-looking officer, whose name the doctor told me was Lieutenant Barnwell, stood near with a torch. Some of the men heard the prayer kneeling; others stood with bowed heads.

The Captain began to read:--

"O God, from whom all holy desires, all good counsels, and all just works do proceed, give unto Thy servants that peace which the world cannot give; that our hearts may be set to do Thy commandments, and also that by Thee, we, being defended from the fear of our enemies, may pass our time in rest and quietness, through the merits of Jesus Christ our Saviour.

"O Lord, our heavenly Father, by whose almighty power we have been preserved this day; by Thy great mercy defend us from all perils and dangers of this night, for the love of Thy only Son, our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

"O Lord, our heavenly father, the high and mighty Ruler of the Universe, who dost from Thy throne behold all the dwellers upon earth, most heartily we beseech Thee with Thy favour to behold and bless Thy servant the President of the Confederate States, and all others in authority; and so replenish them with the grace of Thy Holy Spirit that they may always incline to Thy will, and walk in Thy way. Endue them plenteously with heavenly gifts, grant them in health, and prosperity long to live; and finally, after this life, to attain everlasting joy and felicity, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"O God, the Creator and Preserver of all mankind, we humbly beseech Thee for all sorts and conditions of men; that Thou wouldst be pleased to make Thy ways known unto them, Thy saving health to all nations. More especially we pray for Thy holy church universal, that it may be so guided and governed by Thy good Spirit, that all who profess and call themselves Christians may be led into the way of truth, and hold the faith in unity of spirit, in the bond of peace, and in righteousness of life. Finally, we commend to Thy fatherly goodness all who are in any ways afflicted or distressed in mind, body, or estate, that it may please Thee to comfort and relieve them, according to their several necessities, giving them patience under their sufferings, and a happy issue out of all their afflictions. And this we beg for Christ's sake. Amen."

While this impressive scene had lasted I stood in the darkness outside of the group of men, fearing to be closely observed.

Here was a man whom one could surely trust; he was strong and he was good. I began to feel glad that I was to be under him instead of another. I was lucky. But for Dr. Frost and Captain Haskell, I should be without a friend in the world. Another surgeon might have sent me to the general hospital, whence I should have been remanded to duty; and failing to know my regiment, I should have been apprehended as a deserter. At the best, even if other people had recognized the nature of my trouble, I should have been subjected then and always to the vulgar curiosity which I so greatly dreaded. Here in Company H nobody would know me except as an ordinary recruit.

The men of Company H scattered. I walked up to the Captain and said, "Captain Haskell, I shall be proud to serve under you."

"Jones," said he, "we will not conclude this matter until Dr. Frost sends you to me. It is possible that you will find your own company at any day, or you may decide to serve elsewhere, even if you do not find it. You are not under my orders until you come to me."

As we were returning to the hospital, the doctor asked me seriously, "You insist that your name is Jones Berwick?"

"Yes, Doctor; my surname is Berwick, and my first name is Jones. How did you get my name reversed?"

"On the diary taken from your pocket your name is written 'B. Jones,'" he said.

"Will you let me see the diary?"

"I will give it to you as soon as we get to our camp. I ought to have done so before."