Chapter LVI: Fresh Attempts to Amuse the Queen. Wave of Justifiable Wars

Owing to the inability of the Queen’s ministers to amuse the Crown, superhuman attempts were now made by her Majesty’s generals at home and abroad to provide military diversions. These took the form of a wave of Justifiable Wars, including:

1. _War with China._ Fought on moral grounds, because the Chinese
government were disposed to impede the importation of Empire Opium
into China. The British thus became indispensable to the Chinese
and, after several bloody engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of
China, was ceded to the British Throne.

2. _War with Afghanistan._ Owing to the size, direction, etc., of
Russia, it was imperative that the King of Afghanistan, whose name
was Just Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly attitude.
The King, however, (Just) declined to do this and the British Army
was cut to pieces in the Pippa Passes to such an extent that Dr.
Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians, half
dead) into Jallallaballad. After this, however, several bloody
battles were fought, and the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to
sit in a more friendly attitude.

3. _Sheikh War._ Cause: Death of Ranji Tsinji (a huge Sheikh). The
Sheikhs were very tall men on the frontier of India who obscured
the Imperial outlook. A bloody strife ensued. Sir Hew Golf
annihilated the Sheikhs, subsequently compelling them to present
the Queen with a huge pencil called the Koh-in-Oor. The Sheikhs
were thus reduced in every way and were afterwards on our side and
a Good Thing.

4. _2nd Burmese War._ Cause: there had only been one Burmese war.
Burmese cut to pieces. Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.

5. _War against Abyssinia._ Object: to release the Europeans in
Abyssinia, all of whom had been incarcerated by the King, Theodore,
who was a Christian and would not see their point of view. The war
was divided into two parts (1) Sir Robert Rapier demands release of
prisoners. Prisoners released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia.
King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the capital of Abyssinia.
Theodore commits suicide. Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of
Magnesia. Peace with Abyssinia.

6. _War against A Shantee._ Coffee, King of a Shantee, worsted and
burnt by Sir Garment Wolsee, who becomes Viscount Coffee. Peace
with the Shantee.

7. _War against Zulus._ Cause: the Zulus. Zulus exterminated. Peace
with Zulus.

All these attempts having failed, news was brought to the Queen that the Fiji Islands were annexed to the British “by the desire of the inhabitants.” At this point, according to some (seditious) historians, Her Majesty’s lip was observed to tremble.

SPHERES OF INTERFERENCE. EGYPT

It was during these wars that Spheres of Interference were discovered: these were necessary in all Countries inhabited by their own natives.

The first of the Spheres was Egypt which now became memorable for the first time since Potiphar, the well-known Egyptian Pharaoh.

Egypt was put under the Duel Control of England and France and was thus declared bankrupt; Alibaba, the Mowhgli, and other Pasha-Beziques were therefore immediately exterminated by Sir Garment Wolsey and subsequently by Kitchener of Kartoon at the terrible French battle of Homme de Man. This was because of Chinese Gordon (leader of the famous Gordon Riots[11] in Pekin) and was called the Pagoda Incident and is remarkable as being the only (memorable) _Incident_ in History.

FOOTNOTES:

[11] Due to the justifiable looting of Pekin by the Allies.