Chapter XXVIII (2)

_Answ._ An old friend, _cæteris paribus_, is to be preferred before a new one, and is not to be cast off without desert and necessity. But for all that, 1. If an old friend prove false, or notably unfit, 2. Or if we meet with another that is far more able, fit, and worthy, no doubt but we may prefer the latter; and may value, love, and use men as they are for goodness, worth, and usefulness.

_Quest._ VIII. What love is due to a minister that hath been the means of our conversion? And can such a one be loved too much?

_Answ._ 1. There is a special love due to such a one, as the hand by which God did reach out to us his invaluable mercies; and ingratitude, and sectarian, proud contempt of such as have been our fathers in Christ, is no small sin.

2. But yet another that never did us good, who is much wiser, and better, and more serviceable to the church, must be better loved, than he by whom we were converted. Because we are to love men more for the sake of God and his image and service, than for ourselves.

3. And it is a very common thing, for passionate women and young people, when they are newly converted, to think that they can never too much value, and honour, and love those that converted them; and to think that all such love is holy and from God; whereas the same love may be of God as to the principle, motives, and ends, in the main, and yet may have great mixtures of passionate weakness, and sinful excess, which may tend to their great affliction in the end. Some that have been converted by the writings of a minister a hundred or a thousand miles off, must needs go see the author: some must needs remove from their lawful dwellings and callings, to live under the ministry of such a one; yea, if it may be, in the house with him: some have affections so violent, as proveth a torment to them when they cannot live with those whom they so affect: some by that affection are ready to follow those that they so value into any error. And all this is a sinful love by this mixture of passionate weakness, though pious in the main.

_Quest._ IX. Why should we restrain our love to a bosom friend (contrary to Cicero's doctrine)? And what sin or danger is in loving him too much?

_Answ._ All these following: 1. It is an error of judgment and of will, to suppose any one better than he is, (yea, perhaps than any creature on earth is,) and so to love him.

2. It is an irrational act, and therefore not fit for a rational creature, to love any one further than reason will allow us, and beyond the true causes of regular love.

3. It is usually a fruit of sinful selfishness: for this excess of love doth come from a selfish cause, either some strong conceit that the person greatly loveth us, or for some great kindness which he hath showed us, or for some need we have of him, and fitness appearing in him to be useful to us, &c. Otherwise it would be purely for amiable worth, and then it would be proportioned to the nature and measure of that worth.

4. It very often taketh up men's minds, so as to hinder their love to God, and their desires and delights in holy things: while Satan (perhaps upon religious pretences) turneth our affections too violently to some person, it diverteth them from higher and better things: for the weak mind of man can hardly think earnestly of one thing, without being alienated in his thoughts from others; nor can hardly love two things or persons fervently at once, that stand not in pure subordination one to the other: and we seldom love any fervently in a pure subordination to God; for then we should love God still more fervently.

5. It oft maketh men ill members of the church and commonwealth. For it contracteth that love to one overvalued person, which should be diffused abroad among many; and the common good, which should be loved above any single person, is by this means neglected (as God himself): which maketh wives, and children, and bosom friends become those gulfs that swallow up the estates of most rich men; so that they do little good with them to the public state, which should be preferred.

6. Over-much friendship engageth us in more duty than we are well able to perform, without neglecting our duty to God, the commonwealth, and our own souls. There is some special duty followeth all special acquaintance; but a bosom friend will expect a great deal. You must allow him much of your time in conference, upon all occasions; and he looketh that you should be many ways friendly and useful to him, as he is or would be to you. When, alas, frail man can do but little: our time is short; our strength is small; our estates and faculties are narrow and low. And that time which you must spend with your bosom friend; where friendship is not moderated and wisely managed, is perhaps taken from God and the public good, to which you first owed it. Especially if you are magistrates, ministers, physicians, schoolmasters, or such other as are of public usefulness. Indeed if you have a sober, prudent friend, that will look but for your vacant hours, and rather help you in your public service, you are happy in such a friend. But that is not the excess of love that I am reprehending.

7. This inordinate friendship prepareth for disappointments, yea, and for excess of sorrows. Usually experience will tell you that your best friends are but uncertain and imperfect men, and will not answer your expectation; and perhaps some of them may so grossly fail you, as to set light by you, and prove your adversaries. I have seen the bonds of extraordinary dearness many ways dissolved: one hath been overcome by the flesh, and turned drunkard and sensual, and so proved unfit for intimate friendship (who yet sometime seemed of extraordinary uprightness and zeal). Another hath taken up some singular conceits in religion, and joined to some sect where his bosom friend could not follow him. And so it hath seemed his duty to look with strangeness, contempt, or pity on his ancient friend, as one that is dark and low, if not supposed an adversary to the truth, because he espouseth not all his misconceits. Another is suddenly lifted up with some preferment, dignity, and success, and so is taken with higher things and higher converse, and thinks it is very fair, to give an embrace to his ancient friend, for what he once was to him, instead of continuing such endearedness. Another had changed his place and company, and so by degrees grown very indifferent to his ancient friend, when he is out of sight, and converse ceaseth. Another hath himself chosen his friend amiss, in his unexperienced youth, or in a penury of wise and good men, supposing him much better than he was; and afterwards hath had experience of many persons of far greater wisdom, piety, and fidelity, whom therefore reason commanded him to prefer. All these are ordinary dissolvers of these bonds of intimate and special friendship.

And if your love continue as hot as ever, its excess is like to be your excessive sorrow. For, 1. You will be the more grieved at every suffering of your friend, as sicknesses, losses, crosses, &c. whereof so many attend mankind, as is like to make your burden great. 2. Upon every removal, his absence will be the more troublesome to you. 3. All incongruities and fallings-out will be the more painful to you, especially his jealousies, discontents, and passions, which you cannot command. 4. His death, if he die before you, will be the more grievous, and your own the more unwelcome, because you must part with him. These and abundance of sore afflictions are the ordinary fruits of too strong affections; and it is no rare thing for the best of God's servants to profess, that their sufferings from their friends who have overloved them, have been ten times greater than from all the enemies that ever they had in the world.

And to those that are wavering about this case, Whether only a common friendship with all men according to their various worth, or a bosom intimacy with some one man, be more desirable? I shall premise a free confession of my own case, whatever censures for it I incur. When I was first awakened to the regard of things spiritual and eternal, I was exceedingly inclined to a vehement love to those that I thought the most serious saints, and especially to that intimacy with some one, which is called friendship; by which I found extraordinary benefit, and it became a special mercy to my soul. But it was by more than one or two of the aforementioned ways, that the strict bond of extraordinary friendship hath been relaxed, and my own excessive esteem of my most intimate friends confuted. And since then I have learned to love all men according to their real worth, and to let out my love more extensively and without respect of persons, acknowledging all that is good in all; but with a double love and honour to the excellently wise and good; and to value men more for their public usefulness, than for their private suitableness to me; and yet to value the ordinary converse of one or a few suitable friends, before a more public and tumultuary life, except when God is publicly worshipped, or when public service inviteth me to deny the quiet of a private life: and though I more difference between man and man than ever, I do it not upon so slight and insufficient grounds as in the time of my unexperienced credulity; nor do I expect to find any without the defects, and blots, and failings of infirm, imperfect, mutable man.

_Quest._ X. What qualifications should direct us in the choice of a special bosom friend?

_Answ._ 1. He must be one that is sincere and single-hearted, and not given to affectation, or any thing that is much forced in his deportment; plain, and open-hearted to you, and not addicted to a hiding, fraudulent, or reserved carriage.

2. He must be one that is of a suitable temper and disposition; I mean not guilty of all your own infirmities, but not guilty of a crossness or contrariety of disposition. As if one be in love with plainness of apparel, and frugality in diet and course of life, and the other be guilty of curiosity, and ostentation, and prodigality; if one be for few words, and the other for many; if one be for labour, and the other for idleness, and frequent interruptions; if one be for serving the humours of men, and the other for a contempt of human censure, in the way of certain duty; these disparities make them unfit for this sort of bosom friendship.

3. He must not be a slave to any vice; for that which maketh him false to God, and to betray his own soul, may make him false to man, and to betray his friend.

4. He must not be a selfish person; that is, corruptly and partially for himself, and for his own carnal ends and interest. For such a one hath no true love to others, but when you seem cross to his own interest, his pleasure, wealth, or honour he will forsake you; for so he doth by God himself.

5. He must be humble, and not notably proud. For pride will make him quarrelsome, disdainful, impatient, and quite unsuitable to a humble person.

6. He must be one that is thoroughly and resolvedly godly: for you will hardly well centre any where but in God; nor will he be useful to all the ends of friendship, if he be not one that loveth God, and holy things, and is of a pious conversation: nor can you expect that he that is false to God, and will sell his part in him for the pleasure or gain of sin, should long prove truly faithful unto you.

7. He must be one that is judicious in religion; that is, not of an erroneous, heretical wit; nor ignorant of those great and excellent truths, which you should oft confer about; but rather one that excelleth you in solid understanding, and true judgment, and a discerning head, that can teach you somewhat which you know not; and is not addicted to corrupt you with false opinions of his own.

8. He must be one that is not schismatical and embodied in any dividing sect; for else he will be no longer true to you, than the interest of his party will allow him; and if you will not follow him in his conceits and singularities, he will withdraw his love, and despise you; and if he do not, yet he may endanger your stedfastness, by the temptation of his love.

9. He must be one that hath no other very intimate friend, unless his friend be also as intimate with you as with him; because else he will be no further secret and trusty to you, than the interest or will of his other friend will allow him.

10. He must be one that is prudent in the management of business, and especially those which your converse is concerned in; else his indiscretion in words or practice, will not suffer your friendship to be long entire.

11. He must be one that is not addicted to loquacity, but can keep your secrets; otherwise he will be so untrusty as to be uncapable of doing the true office of a friend.

12. He must have a zeal and activity in religion and in all well-doing; otherwise he will be unfit to warm your affections, and to provoke you to love and good works, and to do the principal works of friendship, but will rather cool and hinder you in your way.

13. He must be one that is not addicted to levity, unconstancy, and change; or else you can expect no stability in his friendship.

14. He must not much differ from you in riches, or in poverty, or in quality in the world. For if he be much richer, he will be carried away with higher company and converse than yours, and will think you fitter to be his servant than his friend. And if he be much poorer than you, he will be apt to value your friendship for his own commodity, and you will be still in doubt whether he be sincere.

15. He must be one that is like to live with you or near you, that you may have the frequent benefit of his converse, counsel, example, and other acts of friendship.

16. He must be one that is not very covetous, or a lover of riches or preferment; for such a one will no longer be true to you, than his mammon will allow him.

17. He must be one that is not peevish, passionate, and impatient; but that can both bear with your infirmities, and also bear much from others for your sake, in the exercise of his friendship.

18. He must be one that hath so good an esteem of your person, and so true and strong a love to you, as will suffice to move him, and hold him to all this.

19. He must be yet of a public spirit, and a lover of good works, that he may put you on to well-doing, and not countenance you in an idle self-pleasing and unprofitable life. And he ought to be one that is skilful in the business of your calling, that he may be fit to censure your work, and amend it, and direct you in it, and confer about it; and it is best for you if he be one that excelleth you herein, that he may add something to you (but then you will not be such to him, and so the friendship will be unequal.)

20. Lastly, There must be some suitableness in age and sex. The young want experience to make them meet for the bosom friendship of the aged (though yet they may take delight in instructing them, and doing them good). And the young are hardly reconcilable to all the gravity of the aged. And it must not be a person of a different sex, unless in case of marriage. Not but that they may be helpful to each other as christians, and in a state of distant friendship; but this bosom intimacy they are utterly unfit for, because of unsuitableness, temptation, and scandal.

_Directions for the Right Use of Special Bosom Friendship._

_Direct._ I. Engage not yourself to any one as a bosom friend, without great evidence and proof of his fitness in all the foregoing qualifications. By which you may see that this is not an ordinary way of duty or benefit, but a very unusual case. For it is a hard thing to meet with one among many thousands, that hath all these qualifications; and when that is done, if you have not all the same qualifications to him, you will be unmeet for his friendship, whatever he be for yours. And where in an age will there be two that are suited in all those respects? Therefore our ordinary way of duty is, to love all according to their various worth, and to make the best use we can of every one's grace and gifts, and of those most that are nearest us; but without the partiality of such extraordinary affection to any one above all the rest. For young persons usually make their choice rashly, of one that afterwards proveth utterly unmeet for the office of such a friend, or at least, no better than many other persons; nay, ten to one, but after-experience will acquaint them with many that are much wiser, and better, and fitter for their love. And hasty affections are guilty of blind partiality, and run men into sin and sorrow, and often end in unpleasant ruptures. Therefore be not too forward in this friendship.

_Direct._ II. When you do choose a friend, though he must be one that you have no cause to be suspicious of, yet reckon that it is possible that he may be estranged from you, yea, and turn your enemy. Causeless jealousies are contrary to friendship on your part; and if there be cause, it is inconsistent with friendship on his part. But yet no friendship should make you blind, and not to know that man is a corrupt and mutable creature; especially in such an age as this, wherein we have seen, how personal changes, state changes, and changes in religion, have alienated many seeming friends. Therefore love them, and use them, and trust them, but as men, that may possibly fail all your expectations, and open all your secrets, and betray you, yea, and turn your enemies. Suspect it not, but judge it possible.

_Direct._ III. Be open with your approved friend, and commit all your secrets to him, still excepting those, the knowledge of which may be hurtful to himself, or the revealing of them hereafter may be intolerably injurious to yourself, to the honour of religion, to the public good, or to any other. If you be needlessly close, you are neither friendly, nor can you improve your friend enough to your own advantage. But yet if you open all without exception, you may many ways be injurious to your friend and to yourself; and the day may come which you did not look for, in which his weakness, passion, interest, or alienation, may trouble you by making all public to the world.

_Direct._ IV. Use as little affectation or ceremony with your friend as may be; but let all your converse with him be with openness of heart, that he may see that you both trust him, and deal with him in plain sincerity. If dissimulation and forced affectation be but once discovered, it tendeth to breed a constant diffidence and suspicion. And if it be an infirmity of your own which you think needeth such a cover, the cloak will be of worse effect, than the knowledge of your infirmity.

_Direct._ V. Be ever faithful to your friend, for the cure of all his faults; and never turn friendship into flattery: yet still let all be done in love, though in a friendly freedom, and closeness of admonition. It is not the least benefit of intimate friendship, that what an enemy speaketh behind our backs, a friend will open plainly to our faces. To watch over one another daily, and be as a glass to show our faces or faults to one another, is the very great benefit of true friendship. Eccles. iv. 9-11, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up." It is a flatterer and not a friend, that will please you by concealing or extenuating your sin.

_Direct._ VI. Abhor selfishness as most contrary to real friendship. Let your friend be as yourself, and his interest as your own. If we must love our neighbour as ourselves, much more our dearest bosom friends.

_Direct._ VII. Understand what is most excellent and useful in your friend, and that improve. Much good is lost by a dead-hearted companion, that will neither broach the vessel and draw that out which is ready for their use; nor yet feed any good discourse, by due questions or answers, but stifle all by barren silence. And a dull, silent hearer, will weary and silence the speaker at the last.

_Direct._ VIII. Resolve to bear with each other's infirmities: be not too high in your expectations from each other; look not for exactness and innocence, but for human infirmities, that when they fall out, you may not find yourselves disappointed. Patience is necessary in all human converse.

_Direct._ IX. Yet do not suffer friendship to blind you, to own or extenuate the faults of your dearest friend. For that will be sinful partiality, and will be greatly injurious to God, and treachery against the soul and safety of your friend.

_Direct._ X. And watch lest the love, estimation, or reverence of your friend, should draw you to entertain his errors, or to imitate him in any sinful way. It is no part of true friendship to prefer men before the truth of Christ, nor to take any heretical, dividing, or sensual infection from our friend, and so to die and perish with him; nor is it friendly to desire it.

_Direct._ XI. Never speak against your friend to a third person; nor open his dishonourable weakness to another. As no man can serve two masters, so no man can well please two contrary friends: and if you whisper to one the failings of another, it tendeth directly to the dissolution of your friendship.

_Direct._ XII. Think not that love will warrant your partial, erroneous estimation of your friend. You may judge him fittest for your intimacy; but you must not judge him better than all other men, unless you have special evidence of it, as the reason of such a judgment.

_Direct._ XIII. Let not the love of your friend draw you to love all, or any others, the less, and below their worth. Let not friendship make you narrow-hearted, and confine your charity to one: but give all their due, in your valuation and your conversation, and exercise as large a charity and benignity as possibly you can; especially to societies, churches, and commonwealth, and to all the world. It is a sinful friendship, which robbeth others of your charity; especially those to whom much more is due than to your friend.

_Direct._ XIV. Exercise your friendship in holiness and well-doing: kindle in each other the love of God and goodness, and provoke each other to a heavenly conversation. The more of God and heaven is in your friendship, the more holy, safe, and sweet, and durable it will prove. It will not wither, when an everlasting subject is the fuel that maintaineth it. If it will not help you the better to holiness and to heaven, it is worth nothing. Eccles. iv. 11, "If two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone." See that your friendship degenerate not into common carnal love, and evaporate not in a barren converse, instead of prayer and heavenly discourse, and faithful watchfulness and reproof.

_Direct._ XV. Prepare each other for suffering and death, and dwell together in the house of mourning, where you may remember your nearer everlasting friendship; and not only in the house of mirth, as if it were your work to make each other forget your latter end.

[171] Lege quam plurima veterum testimonia in D. Gatakero contra Davenantium de Baptismo.

[172] "Disputations of Right to Sacraments."