Chapter IV: Part 4

This rous’d my Curiosity to go to the Temple, and try whether I had orthodox Eyes or no. I examin’d the aforesaid Tablet with all the Eyes I had, and really it appear’d square to me. This I ingenuously told my Host, who at that Time had the Post of Ædile. With that he fetch’d a deep Sigh, and confess’d to me, that it appear’d square to him too, but that he dare not say so publickly, for fear of being dispossess’d of his Employment by the governing Tribe.

All pale and trembling I left this execrable City, fearing lest my Back must expiate the Crime of my Eyes, or lest branded with the Title of Heretick, I should be sent with Ignominy out of their Dominions. In Truth, no Institution ever appear’d more horrid, barbarous, and unjust, than this, where Hypocrisies and Perjuries alone are the Avenues to Preferment. And when I return’d to the _Potuans_, I took every Opportunity to express my Indignation against that detestable Race of People. But while I was in one of my angry Moods, and venting my Spleen according to Custom, a certain Juniper Tree, with whom I had liv’d in a good Degree of Intimacy, made me this Answer: “It is true, says he, that the Conduct of the _Nagiri_ will always appear absurd and iniquitous to the _Potuans_; but to you it should not seem at all strange, that this Diversity of Eyes should cause such Cruelties, because you have formerly assur’d me, that in most of the _European_ Dominions there are governing Tribes, which fall upon the rest with Fire and Sword, upon Account of some Defect, not of their Eyes indeed, but of their Reason; and you yourself extoll’d such a Proceeding as a pious Act, and of Advantage to the Government.” I presently understood the Drift of this Observation, and blusht for Shame. I left him soon, and was ever after a stanch Advocate for Toleration, and entertain’d milder Sentiments of People under Error.

_Kimal_, the next Principality, is accounted the most potent, by reason of its immense Wealth. For besides the Silver Mines, which are there in great Abundance, vast Quantities of Gold are gather’d from among the Sands of their Rivers. Their Seas too afford the most costly Pearls. And yet upon a due Examination of this Country, I could discover, that Happiness did not consist in Wealth alone. For as many Inhabitants, so many Divers and Diggers there were, who, bent upon Gain, seem’d condemn’d to perpetual Slavery, and such a Slavery as one would think was fit only for Criminals. Those who are rich enough to be exempted from these Toils, are oblig’d to keep constant Watch. The whole Country is so infested with Thieves and Robbers, that it is not safe to go without a Guard.

_Non tam festa dies, ut cesset prodere furem,
Perfidiam, fraudes, atq; omni ex crimine lucrum.
Vivitur ex rapto; non hospes ab hospite tutus,
Non socer a genero, fratrum quoque gratia rara est.
Filius ante diem patrios inquirit in annos;
Victa jacet pietas, & virgo cæde madentes
Ultima cœlestum terras Astræa reliquit._

Hence this Nation, beheld with envious Eyes by their Neighbours, drew Pity from me more than Envy. Fear, Jealousy, Suspicion, and Distrust, reign in every Mind, and each looks upon his Neighbour as a designing Enemy. So that endless Solicitude, wasting Cares, and pallid Complexions, are the Fruits of the boasted Felicity of this Province. It was not without Anxiety I travell’d over this Region; for in every Road, and upon every Frontier, I was oblig’d to give an Account of my Business, Name, and Country, to the Guards and Examiners, and I found myself expos’d to all those Vexations which Travellers experience in Countries that are jealous of Strangers. There is a Volcano, or burning Mountain, in this Province, from whence ascend perpetual Whirlwinds of Fire.

After having run over this Principality, and that with more Trouble than I experienc’d throughout my whole Journey, I pursued my Course full East. I every where found the Inhabitants sociable and well-behav’d, but extremely paradoxical. The Natives of the little Kingdom of _Quamboia_ surpriz’d me most. There the Order of Nature is inverted. The more the Natives advance in Years, the more wanton and voluptuous they grow; and Age produces such fantastic Vices, and such lascivious Freaks, as Youth alone, in every other Place, is guilty of. Here none are intrusted with the Cares of State, unless they are under forty Years of Age. When they exceed this Term, they are too giddy for Business, like Children,

_Quos dura premit custodia matrum_.

I saw here the Aged frisking and gamboling in the Streets like Boys, and spending their Time in puerile Diversions. They did, as the Poet says,

_Ædificare casas, plostello adjungere mures,
Ludere par impar, equitare in arundine longa_.

While on the other Hand the Youths took the Liberty to reprove them, and sometimes drive them home before them with a Whip. I saw an old decrepit Male Tree whipping a Top in the Market-Place, and was inform’d he was some Years ago a Person of very great Consequence, no less than President of the Grand Council. This inverted Order obtain’d also in the weaker Sex. Hence, when a certain Youth was to be marry’d to an old Lady, all were of Opinion he must undergo the Fate of _Actæon_; which is diametrically opposite to what happens among us, where if an old Man has a Mind for a young Bride, he has ample Reason to fear an Injury of that Sort. Once I remember I met two old Bald-Heads engag’d in a Duel. Amaz’d to find such Vigour at such an Age, I enquir’d the Cause of this Duel, and was told, that the Quarrel arose about a Mistress they had met with at one of their Haunts, and who had equally pleas’d them both. They who told me this, added, that if the Governors of these two old Sinners were to know of their Difference, their Backs would be sure to smart for it. The same Evening a Report flew about, that a certain venerable Matron had hang’d herself for Despair, because she had met with a Repulse from a young _Beech_ she was enamour’d of.

This inverted Order of Nature demands of course an Inversion of the Laws. Hence, in that Chapter of the Law which treats of Guardianship, it is enacted, That the Administration of Goods shall not be granted to any one, unless he be under forty Years of Age. Moreover, Contracts are deem’d ineffectual, if enter’d into by Persons above Forty, unless such Contracts are sign’d by their Tutors or Children. In the Chapter concerning Subordination, there is this Injunction, _Let the Aged of both Sexes be obedient to their Children_. Every Person in Office is always dismiss’d before he arrives to the Age of Forty.

——_Interdicto huic omne adimat jus
Prætor, & ad juvenes abeat tutela propinquos._

I did not think it convenient to continue longer in this Place, where if I had happen’d to have stay’d but ten Years, I must have been oblig’d by Law to become a Child again.

In the Province of _Cocklecu_ there is a very perverse Custom, and such as would be highly condemn’d among us. The Order of Things is indeed inverted, but the Fault is not owing to Nature, but solely to the Laws. The Natives are all _Junipers_ of both Sexes: But the Males alone perform the Drudgery of the Kitchen, and every such ignoble Labour. In Time of War indeed, they serve their Country, but rarely rise above the Rank of common Soldiers. Some few get to be Ensigns, which is the very highest military Honour the Males ever arrive to. The Females, on the other Hand, are in Possession of all Honours and Employments sacred, civil, or military. I had lately derided the _Potuans_ for observing no Difference of Sex in the Distribution of publick Offices: But that was nothing to the Phrenzy of this People. I could not conceive the Meaning of so much Indolence in the Males, who, tho’ of far superior Strength of Body, could yet so tamely submit to such a Yoke, and for Ages together digest such an Ignominy. For it would have been very easy, at any Time, to have freed themselves from so shameful a Tyranny. But long and ancient Custom had so blinded them, that none ever thought of attempting to remove such a Disgrace, but quietly believ’d it was Nature’s Appointment, that the Government should be lodg’d in Female Hands, and that it was the Business of the other Sex to spin, to weave, to clean the House, and upon Occasion take a Beating from their Wives. The Arguments, by which the Ladies justify’d this Custom, were these: That as Nature had furnish’d the Males with greater Strength of Body, her Intention in that could only be to destine them to the more laborious and servile Duties of Life. Strangers are amaz’d, when going into a House they see the Mistress of the Family in the Compting-House, with a Pen in her Hand, and her Books before her, and at the same Time find her Husband in the Kitchen scouring the Dishes. And, indeed, whatever House I went to, if I enquir’d for the Master of the Family, I was still conducted into the Kitchin.

_Hic lavet argentum, vasa aspera tergeat alter;
Vox dominæ fremit instantis virgamque tenentis._

Horrible were the Effects of this unnatural Custom. For as in other Countries there are abandon’d Women, who prostitute themselves for Hire, so here the young Men sell their Favours, and to that End hire some House of Pleasure, which shall be easily known, either by a Writing over it, or some other infallible Sign. And when the Men drive this wicked Trade with too great Effrontery, and in too barefac’d a Manner, they are had to Prison, and whipt like our Street-Walkers. On the other Hand, the Matrons and Virgins here, without the least Reproach, can prowl up and down, gaze at the young Fellows, nod, whistle, tip the Wink, pluck them by the Sleeve, importune them, write Love-Verses upon their Doors, boast of their Conquests, and reckon up their Gallantries with as much Satisfaction as the _fine Gentlemen_ of our World entertain you with their Amours. Moreover, it is no Crime for the Ladies here to make amorous Poems, and send Presents to the Youths; who, on the contrary, counterfeit Coyness and Modesty, as knowing it indecent to surrender to a Lady upon the first Summons. There was at the Time I was there, a mighty Disturbance about a noble Youth, the Son of a Senator, who had been ravish’d by a young Woman. I heard, that it was whisper’d among the Friends of the injur’d Youth, that a Suit would be commenc’d against the Ravisher, and that at the next Consistory Court she would be sentenc’d to repair the Dishonour by Marriage, since it could be indubitably prov’d, that he was a Person of an innocent Life and Conversation. During my Stay here, I had not the Courage openly to condemn this deprav’d Custom: But upon my leaving the City, I told several, that these Junipers acted in downright Contradiction to Nature, since from the universal Voice and Consent of Nations it was evident, that the Males alone were form’d for all the arduous and important Affairs of Life. To this they reply’d, that I confounded Custom with Nature, since the Weakness we impute to the Female Sex is deriv’d solely from Education. This is clear, from the Form of Government establish’d at _Cocklecu_, where in that Sex you find all the Virtues, and large Endowments of Mind, which the masculine Sex, in other Places, arrogate to themselves. For the _Cocklecuanian_ Women are grave, prudent, constant, and secret. The Men, on the contrary, are light, empty, frothy Creatures. Hence, when any Thing absurd is related, the common Saying is, _That’s a manly Trifle_. Again, when any Thing is done rashly and unthinkingly, the Proverb is, _We must make Allowances for manly Weakness_. Notwithstanding this, I could not acquiesce in these Arguments, being thoroughly convinc’d of the Impropriety and Deformity of this Custom. The Indignation I conceiv’d against so much Female Pride and Insolence, gave Birth to an unfortunate Design, which I put in Execution soon after my Travels, as in its proper Place shall be related.

Among the sumptuous Edifices of this City, the most admirable was the Royal Seraglio, the Residence of three hundred Youths of exquisite Beauty. They were all maintain’d at the Expence of the Queen, and kept for her private Pleasures. As I happen’d to hear, that my Person was much commended, I was afraid of being clapp’d up in the Seraglio, and hurry’d away with all imaginable Haste.

——_Pedibus metus addidit alas._

From this Place I proceeded to the _Philosophical_ Region, so styl’d from the Inhabitants, who are continually bury’d in the profound Speculations of Philosophy. I was all on Fire to see this Country, which I fancy’d must be the Center of Sciences, and the true Seat of the Muses. Instead of vulgar Fields and Meadows, I expected to find one continued lovely Garden; and in this Imagination I hasten’d my Pace, and counted the Hours and Minutes as they flew. However, the Ways thro’ which I pass’d were very stony, with every now and then a Ditch or Cavern, insomuch that sometimes I was forc’d to go thro’ a Length of craggy Way, and sometimes thro’ miry Bogs, where for want of Bridges, I was oblig’d to wade thro’, and drag my weary Limbs after me, quite dirty’d to the Waist: Yet I fortify’d myself against these Accidents, with all the consoling Arguments I could think of. While for a full Hour I had been labouring under these Difficulties, I met a Peasant, of whom I inquir’d how far I had to _Mascattia_, or the _Philosophical_ Province. He reply’d, _I ought rather to ask him, how much there was left of the Journey, since I was in the very Heart of the Place_. Amaz’d at this Answer, _How is it possible_, said I, _that a Land inhabited only by Philosophers should appear rather like the Haunts of savage Beasts, than like a cultivated Country_? He return’d, _That in a little Time Things would have a better Face, as soon as ever the Natives could get Time to think upon such Trifles. At this present, says he, we are all solely intent upon an extraordinary Discovery, no less than that of a Passage to the Sun; that therefore it was very excusable to leave the Soil to itself, it being impossible to do two Things at once._ I presently understood the Drift of this cunning Countryman’s Discourse; and pursuing my Journey, I at last arriv’d at the Metropolitan City _Caska_. In and about the Gates, instead of Guards and Centinels, I saw only a few tame Fowl, and upon the Walls Heaps of Birds-Nests and Cobwebs. Philosophers and Swine indifferently walk’d the Streets, nor was the one distinguish’d from the other but by Shape, being otherwise perfectly alike in Dirt and Nastiness. The Philosophers had all Cloaks of the same Form, but what the Colour was, I could not discern for the Dust upon them. There was one quite bury’d in Thought coming directly towards me; and meeting him, _Pray, Sir_, says I, _what may be the Name of this City?_ At this he paus’d, and for a Time continued as immoveable as if he had no Life in him; at last, says he, turning his Eyes upwards, _’Tis almost Noon_. An Answer so foreign to the Purpose, was a Demonstration of great Absence of Mind, and convinc’d me, that it was better to study sparingly, than to run mad with too much Learning. I proceeded directly to the Center of the City, to see, if beside Philosophers, I could have the good Luck to meet with a reasonable Creature. The _Forum_ of the City, which was very spacious, was adorn’d with Statues and Columns. I was endeavouring to read the Inscription upon one of them, and being thus employ’d, suddenly I felt my Back grow warm and moist. Turning my Head, to see from whence this warm Shower proceeded, I saw a Philosopher making Water against me. For being bury’d in profound Thought, he had taken me for one of the Statues there, that are us’d for Necessities of this Kind. Stung to the Soul with such an Affront, especially as the Philosopher, instead of apologizing for the Mistake, only laugh’d in my Face, I gave him a smart Box on the Ear. Enrag’d at this, he fell upon me, seiz’d me by the Hair, and dragg’d me round the _Forum_. But when I found there was no Prospect of appeasing his Wrath, I endeavour’d to make Reprisals upon him with all my Might and Vigour; and I believe, with Regard to our Blows, the Receipts and Disbursements might be pretty equal on both Sides. At length, after a long Contest, we both fell upon the Ground. At this Spectacle, a Croud of Philosophers flock’d from all Parts, and with inexpressible Fury fell upon me with their Fists and Sticks, and then once more dragg’d me by the Hair all round the Market; insomuch that I was just upon the Point of giving up the Ghost. At last, rather tir’d than satiated, they left off beating me, and brought me to a spacious House, where when I struggled against the Door with both my Feet, and vow’d I would not enter, Messieurs the Philosophers threw a Rope round my Neck, and tugging me in, like an Ox at a Slaughter-House, they fell’d me flat upon the Floor. The House, and all Things in it, were in the utmost Confusion, and not unlike the Disorder People are in at _Lady-Day_ or _Michaelmas_, when they are moving House. I then humbly intreated these wise Men to put an End to their Resentment, and suffer themselves to be mov’d to Pity and Compassion, representing to them how little for the Honour of Philosophy it was to abandon themselves to a blind Rage, and give a Loose to those very Passions they are the forwardest to declaim against. But I preach’d to the Winds. For that very Philosopher, who had so plentifully water’d my Back, forthwith renew’d the Fight, and redoubled his Blows upon me, like a Smith upon an Anvil, as if nothing but my Death could stop his Fury. This plainly taught me, that no Anger equals a philosophical Anger; and that they who can talk so well upon the Beauty of Virtue, care to practise it as little as any.

——_Nec enim minor ira rebullit
Pectore in hoc, leviorve exurit flamma medullas._

At length there came in four Philosophers, the Form of whose Robes spoke them of a singular Order. They presently appeas’d the Uproar, and seem’d to commiserate my Fate; and after they had conferr’d apart, they remov’d me to another House. Glad was I, that I had escap’d these Barbarians, and at last fallen into honest Hands. They enquir’d the Cause of all this Tumult, and I told them every Tittle. They smil’d at so pleasant an Accident, telling me, that it was a common Thing for the Philosophers to make Water against the Statues, and that probably my Antagonist, wholly absorb’d in Meditation, had mistook me for a Statue. They inform’d me likewise, that that Person was an Astronomer of great Eminence, and that my other Persecutors were Professors of Moral Philosophy. I could now hear all this with Pleasure, believing myself intirely out of Danger. Yet one Thing alarm’d me mightily, and that was the great Attention with which they survey’d my Form. Besides, their reiterated Questions concerning my Manner of Life, my Country, and the Cause of my Journey, together with the Whispers that ensued, gave me a violent Jealousy. But, good God! what Horror invaded my Soul, when they conducted me into an AnatomyChamber, where there was a frightful Heap of Bones and Carcases upon the Floor, that gave a Stench enough to poison me. I thought I was fallen into a Den of Thieves and Murderers; but the anatomical Instruments which hung upon the Walls took away that Fear, and convinc’d me, that my Host must be a Physician, or a Surgeon. Half an Hour was I left alone in this Place, when a Matron enters with my Dinner. She seem’d very humane, and eying me attentively, she would every now and then fetch a deep Sigh. Upon my enquiring the Cause of her Grief, she reply’d, that my impending Fate drew those Sighs from her; _That I was indeed fallen into very honest Hands, for my Husband_, continues she, _is Lord of this Island, being publick Physician of the City, and Professor of Medicine; and the others you saw are his Collegues: But astonish’d at the extraordinary Make of your Body, they have determin’d to examine the inward Machinery of it, and to make a Dissection of you, in order to add some new Light to Anatomy_. This Account threw me into a most violent Palpitation, and setting up a horrible Cry, _Oh! how! Madam, said I, can you call them honest Men, who make no Scruple to rip up the Bowels of an innocent Person?_ To which she answered, _I say again you are fallen into the Hands of honest Men, who will do nothing with a bad Design, and have resolv’d upon this Operation for the sole Illustration of the Science of Anatomy_. _Alas!_ said I, _I had rather fall into the Hands of Thieves and Murderers, from whom I might possibly make my Escape, than be dissected by such very honest Gentlemen_; and immediately throwing myself at her Feet, shedding at the same Time a Flood of Tears, I implor’d her to intercede for my Life. She told me, her Intercession would avail very little against the Resolution of the Faculty, which was irrevocable; but however, that she would deliver me from Death by some other Means. With these Words, she took me by the Hand, and leading me thro’ a back Door, brought me as far as to the Gate of the City. Being now ready to take my Leave of my Preserver, I endeavour’d to express my Gratitude in the best Language I was Master of; but she presently interrupted me, and telling me she would not leave me till she saw me out of all Danger, she continued to accompany me. As we walk’d together, we enter’d into various Conversations concerning the State of the Country, and I heard her with the utmost Avidity. But at length she made a Digression to a Circumstance not very agreeable to my Ears, and I conjectur’d, that for her Services, she requir’d some Things of me which were _morally impossible_. For she told me with the greatest Concern, that in this Country the Fate of marry’d Ladies was extremely hard, for that their philosophick Husbands, immers’d in Learning, neglected conjugal Duties. _For my Part, I protest_, says she, with an Oath, _we should all be very wretched, if now and then a good-natur’d, compassionate Stranger did not administer Comfort to us in our Misfortunes, and occasionally apply a Remedy to them_. I pretended not to understand this Harangue, and mended my Pace. But this Coldness serv’d only to enflame her. Whereupon,

_Consumptis precibus, violentam transit ad iram,
Intendensque manus, passis furibunda capillis_,

she reproach’d me with Ingratitude. I nevertheless continued my Pace, till at last she laid Hands upon my Cloaths, and endeavour’d to stop me. With that I forcibly started from her, and having vastly the Advantage of her in Swiftness, I quickly got out of her Sight. One may judge of the Extremity of the Rage she was in, by the Words I could hear her pronounce, namely, _Kaki spalaki_, that is, _ungrateful Dog_. I digested this Affront with a _Spartan_ Nobleness of Mind, and was glad at my Heart, that I could any Way escape from this Land of Philosophers, the bare Remembrance of which fills me with Horror.

The next Province I arriv’d at, was that of _Nakir_; the Capital of which is a fine, large City of the same Name. I cannot say much of this Place, because I pass’d with the utmost Haste thro’ the Countries adjoining to that I lately left, and long’d to be among People less philosophically, and especially less anatomically given. For such a Terror had seiz’d me, that I could not help asking every one I met, whether he were a Philosopher; and even in my Dreams, the Carcases and Instruments of Dissection still swam before me. The Natives of _Nakir_ were very courteous; for every one I met offer’d me his Service unask’d, with long Attestations of his Honour and Honesty. I thought this very ridiculous, since I suspected none of them, nor call’d their Integrity in Question. I express’d my Wonder at these Compliments, and observ’d, that I could not conceive to what Purpose they were made; at which they only renew’d their Protestations of Service with a thousand Oaths. Leaving this Place, I overtook a Traveller bending beneath the Weight of his Burden. Seeing me, he stopt, and enquir’d whence I came. When I told him I had pass’d thro’ the Province of _Nakir_, he congratulated me upon my Escape, assuring me, that the Inhabitants were a People famous for their Skill in Tricking, and hardly a Traveller pass’d, but was their Prey. I answer’d, If their Actions at all corresponded with their Words, they must be People of the greatest Honour, of which every one boasted extremely, and assur’d me of it with a Multitude of Execrations. The Stranger smiling at these Words, _Take Care_, says he, _of those who trumpet their own Virtues, and especially of those who readily send themselves to the Devil to convince you_. That Piece of Advice I bury’d deep in my Mind, and I have since experienc’d that my Adviser had Reason.

I now arriv’d at a Lake, the Waters of which were of a yellowish Colour. On the Bank there was a Vessel of three Ranks of Oars, in which Passengers, for a small Consideration, were ferry’d over into _the Land of Reason_. Having agreed for my Passage, I went aboard, and with the highest Pleasure imaginable began my Voyage, inasmuch as I presently observ’d, that these subterranean Vessels are impell’d by secret Springs and Machines, which cleave the Waters with an astonishing Rapidity, and all without the Agency of Rowers. Being landed on the other Side of the Lake, I hir’d one of the Guides, which ply in the several Ports, and under his Conduct I travell’d on. In the mean Time my Guide told me every Thing that related to the Government of the City, and the Manners of the People. I understood from him, that they were all _Logicians_ to a Man, and that this City was the true Seat of Reason, from whence it had its Name. And upon my Arrival, I found all he had told me was true. Every Citizen from his great Penetration, and the Composedness of his Manners, had the Appearance of a Judge. I could not forbear lifting my Hands to Heaven, and crying out, Oh! infinitely happy Country, where every Member is a _Cato_. But when I had more accurately examin’d the Condition of the City, I observ’d that Business went but dully on, and that the Republick in a Manner languish’d for want of Fools. For as their good Sense weighs every Thing in the justest Balance, and as not a Soul can be cajol’d by specious Promises and studied Words, it follows, that all those prudent Means and Methods, by which the Minds of Subjects are excited to the best and noblest Actions, and that too at the cheapest and easiest Rate, must here lose all their Efficacy. In short, the bad Effects of such an exact Knowledge of Things were explain’d to me, and pathetically lamented by the Super-Intendant of the Treasury. “One Tree, says he, is here distinguish’d from another by nothing else but his Name, and the Make of his Body. No Emulation among the Subjects, since Marks of Distinction are thought not worth acquiring, and nobody is wise, because every body is so. Folly, I confess, is a Defect, but to have it wholly banish’d, may not be so desirable. Let every State, indeed, have a competent Number of wise Men for the publick Employments. Some must govern, and some must submit to be govern’d. What other States effect by the most trifling Inducements, our Magistrates can procure only by solid Rewards, which often drain the Treasury. Wise Men require the Kernel if they serve their Country, but Fools are put off with the Shell. Thus, for Instance, the Distribution of Honours and Titles, with which Fools are taken as with a Hook, and spirited up to the most hazardous Enterprizes, can be of little Force among a People, who know that solid Fame and Honour is to be acquir’d only by inward Worth and Virtue. A People of this Stamp are not to be deceiv’d with specious Sounds. Your Soldiers, I think I have heard you say, are animated to undergo the utmost Severities, from the Hope of an immortal Name in History. This is what our People cannot conceive. They think, that this Mode of Seech, for Instance, +Dying in earnest, and living in a History+, is the veriest Jargon in the World, and that it is mere Dotage to proclaim aloud the Praises of one, who cannot hear nor understand them. I pass over numberless Inconveniences, which flow only from our exquisite Knowledge, and which prove to Demonstration, that at least half the Members of every civil Establishment ought to be Fools. Folly is to Society, what Fermentation is to the Stomach; too much, or none at all, are alike injurious.”

I heard all this with the greatest Amazement. But when in the Name of the Senate he offer’d me the Freedom of the City, and repeated his Intreaties, that I would fix my Abode here, I could not forbear blushing, from a Suspicion that his Request proceeded from a pre-conceiv’d Opinion of my Foolishness, and that he took me for such a Sort of _Ferment_ as might be of Use to a State labouring under the Misfortune of too much Wisdom. I was confirm’d in this Suspicion, when I heard the Senate had decreed to send a Colony abroad, and in their Places to take in an equal Number of Fools from the neighbouring Nations. And so with a Sort of Resentment, I left this Race of Reasoners. Yet for a long Time I could not help reflecting upon that subterranean Axiom of theirs, unknown to the Politicians of our World, namely, _That in a well-constituted Society, it is necessary that at least half the Members should be Fools_. I wonder’d so salutary a Maxim should remain undiscover’d by the _worthy Spirits_ of our Age. But possibly it might be known to some, who were however unwilling to have it inserted in the Class of political Truths, since with us there are great Plenty of Fools, nor is there (Envy apart!) a Village or City with us, but what is handsomely stor’d with this goodly _Ferment_.

Having rested some Time, I renew’d my Travels, and visited several Countries, which I pass over in Silence, as having nothing remarkable in them. I suppos’d I had now seen all the marvellous Things in the Planet _Nazar_. But arriving at the Province of _Cabac_, fresh Wonders offer themselves, and even such as exceed the Bounds of Credibility. Among the Natives of this Region, some are born without Heads. They speak by a Mouth plac’d in the Middle of the Breast. Upon Account of this great Defect in Nature, they are exempted from all such difficult Employments as require the least Headpiece. The only Posts they are admitted to, are chiefly those about the Court. Thus the Chamberlain, the Master of the Ceremonies, the President of the Seraglio, and the like, are all taken from the Class of People that are without Heads. Nevertheless some that have no Heads are, by the special Indulgence of the Government, receiv’d into the Senate for some Merit of their Ancestors, and that without much Detriment to the Republick. For Experience tells us, that the whole Authority of the Senate is lodg’d in the Hands of a few leading Members, and that the rest only help to fill up the Number, and to assent and subscribe to the Resolutions of others. And in my Time, there were in the Senate two that were born without Heads, who nevertheless enjoy’d the senatorial Stipends. For tho’ they were destitute of Sense, by reason of that Defect of Nature, yet surely they might give their Vote with others; happier in one Thing than their Collegues, namely, that nobody was angry with those who had no Heads, but vented all their Rage against the others. And hence it is evident, that it is safer sometimes to be born without a Head. This City may vie with any in Magnificence and Splendour. It has a Court, an University, and several noble Temples.

_Cambara_ and _Spelek_ are the two next Provinces. The Natives are all Limes. But in this they differ, that the former seldom live beyond the Age of four Years, whereas the others seldom fall short of four hundred. Here you might see Fathers, Grandfathers, Great Grandfathers, and so on; they would tell you old Stories and Adventures of their own that happen’d Ages ago, and by their lively Representations make you think you was almost present at them. As much as I pity’d the first, I envy’d the last. But after I had more inly examin’d the State of both, I found my Error. In _Cambara_ every one, within a few Months after their Nativity, arriv’d to their full Maturity of Body and Mind. One Year was enough to form and perfect them; in the rest they prepar’d for Death. Not _Plato_’s self could have imagin’d a more charming Republick; here all the Virtues flourish’d to Perfection. Being hourly convinc’d of the Shortness of Life, they are always ready for Death, and regard this Life only as a Passage to a better. We may imagine every one of them a Philosopher, who with a happy Indifference to his present State, aims only at securing that solid and durable Pleasure, which is the Reward of Virtue and Piety. In a Word, this seem’d to be the Abode of Angels, the Kingdom of Saints, and the truest School of Wisdom and Virtue. Hence one may judge how unjust their Murmurs are, who complain of the Brevity of Life, making it the Foundation of a Quarrel at their Maker. Our Life is short, because we lose the greatest Part in Sloth and Pleasure; it would be long enough if our Time were better employ’d. But in the other Region, where Life is lengthen’d to four hundred Years, I discover’d all the Vices under Heaven. The present State of Things they look upon as eternal and immortal.

_Hinc fugere pudor, verumque, fidesque & honestum:
In quorum subiere locum dolus insidiæque._

There was also another Inconvenience resulting from long Life. Those who had unhappily lost their Estate or Fortunes, those who were maim’d in their Limbs, or were fallen into incurable Diseases, made the most piercing Complaints, and knowing no End to their Miseries, often laid violent Hands on themselves. The Shortness of Life, therefore, is to the Wretched the best of Remedies. Both these Countries afforded me Matter of much Admiration, and upon my Departure fill’d me with very philosophical Reflexions.

I pursued my Journey thro’ certain desert and rocky Places, which lead to _Spalank_, or the Country of Innocence. This Place is so call’d from the Innocence and peaceful Humour of the Natives. These are all Beeches, and esteem’d the happiest of the whole Creation. They are subject to no Passions and Affections, and consequently free from all Vices.

_Sponte sua, sine lege, fidem rectumque colebant;
Pœna metusque aberant, &c._

Upon my Arrival, I found all I had heard was true, and that actually they were govern’d not by Laws, but by their own innate Virtue and Disposition. Envy, Anger, Hatred, Pride, Vain-Glory, Discord, and all which among Mankind bears the Name of Vice, is here proscrib’d and banish’d. But with the Vices there were also many Things wanting, which adorn the human Species, and seem to distinguish them from Brutes. Except Divinity, Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, all the Arts and Sciences were wholly unknown. They had not the least Idea of Law, Politicks, History, Ethicks, and Eloquence, the very Names of which were never heard of. As there was not the least Spark of Envy, so there was no Emulation to excite and animate the Soul to worthy Deeds. There were no splendid Edifices, no Palace, no Senate-House, no Forum, no Magistrate, no Riches, and consequently no Desire of them, or Contention about them. In two Words, if they had no Vices, they had no Politeness, Art, or Elegance; nor any of those Things, which, tho’ in Reality no Virtues, are yet extremely like Virtues, and render Men civiliz’d and social. To say the Truth, I seem’d here to be rather in a Forest of real Trees, than in a rational Society. I stood a long Time in doubt what Judgment to form of these People, and whether such a State were in Reality desirable. At length reflecting, that an uncultivated Creature was however better than a vicious Creature, and that tho’ they had no Arts, they had also no Thefts, Murders, and other atrocious Crimes, which destroy both Body and Soul, I could not help pronouncing them happy. Walking carelesly along one Day, while I was among them, I struck my left Leg against a Stone. It swell’d violently, and gave me excessive Pain. An honest Countryman seeing this Accident, presently ran to me, and with a certain Herb he held in his Hand and apply’d to the Wound, the Anguish forthwith abated, and the Swelling decreas’d. These People, thought I, must have extraordinary Skill in the Art of Healing. Nor was my Conjecture wrong. For since their Studies were confin’d within so narrow a Compass, they were not contented with the outward Rind of Knowledge, like our modern Connoiseurs, but went to the Bottom of Things. When I thank’d my Benefactor for his Services, and told him that God would be his Reward, he answer’d me in so solid, so learned, and so devout a Manner, tho’ in Terms perfectly simple and rural, that I had really some Apprehensions it was an Angel in the Shape of a Tree. It appears hence, with what little Reason we dislike that _calm_ Philosophy of some Men, who neither wish nor grieve, are neither angry, nor pleas’d, who divest themselves of all the impetuous Passions of the Soul, and whom we therefore accuse of leading a Life of Indolence and Softness. It appears also how much mistaken they are, who are Advocates for the Necessity of Vices among Men; who stile Anger the Whetstone of Courage, Emulation the Spur of Industry, and Distrust the Parent of Discretion. For who does not know, that from ill Eggs ill Birds are hatch’d, and that many Virtues which Mortals pride themselves in, and which are celebrated in Verse, are rather the Disgrace than Ornament of Humanity, if beheld with a philosophical Eye.

I left this Place, and arriv’d at _Kiliac_, where the Inhabitants are born with certain Marks impress’d upon their Forehead, signifying the exact Number of Years they have to live. These surely I thought must be the most fortunate People under the Sun, since an unexpected Death could surprize none of them in a sinful Action. But then, as their last Day of Life was known to every one, they deferr’d their Repentance to the last; insomuch that if you found one among them sincerely devout and honest, it was one whom the Marks upon his Forehead directed to think of his Quietus. Some I observ’d who walk’d with their Heads hanging down; they had almost liv’d out their Time, and were counting the Remainder of their Days and Hours upon their Fingers, expecting with Horror their last approaching Moment. This gave me to see the general Wisdom of the Creator in concealing from Mortals the Time of their Death.

Having travell’d over this Country, I came to a Streight, the Water of which was black; and being ferry’d over, I landed upon the Province of _Askarac_. Here new Monsters met my Eyes. As _Cabac_ produces Animals without a Head, some among these People are born with seven Heads. To these, as being possess’d of an amazing Knowledge, the Citizens formerly paid almost divine Honours; and out of their Tribes alone, Commanders, Consuls, Senators, and other great Officers were elected. But, alas! as many Heads as they had, so many different Geniuses they had. They confidently and readily undertook to discharge various Employments at one and the same Time; and left nothing unattempted while they held the Reins of Power: But from that Multiplicity of Business, and from their various Ideas interfering and jostling with each other, they made wretched Work of it; and in Process of Time so great was the Confusion, that it requir’d the Labour of an Age to recover from the Disorder these omniscient Magistrates had thrown Things into. Hence a Law was enacted, to exclude for ever these seven-headed Trees from all publick Offices of Importance, and that the Government should hereafter be intrusted to _simple Heads_, that is to say, those who have only one Head. Ever since, those very People, who had been rever’d as Gods, have been sinking into the same Contempt as the headless Inhabitants of _Cabac_. For as they, who had no Head at all, could do nothing; so these with many Heads did every Thing perversely. But tho’ they are for ever remov’d from all State-Trusts, yet they serve as an Ornament to the Kingdom. They are carry’d about like publick Spectacles, to shew the World how liberal Nature has been in their Formation. Tho’ to say the Truth, had she been less lavish of her Favours, she had been in Reality much kinder. Of all this Race, there were only three in my Time in Employment, to which, however, they were not admitted, till they had consented to an Amputation of six of their Heads. After this, the confus’d Ideas they labour’d under vanish’d, and they were brought to common Sense. Thus Men prune Trees of their superfluous Branches, to derive more Health and Vigour to the rest. Very few undergo this Operation, upon Account of the extreme Pain and Danger. From hence I drew this useful Maxim, That all Excess is hurtful, and that Simplicity is true Wisdom.

From hence I pass’d to the Principality of _Bostanki_, a People, as to their outward Make, little different from the _Potuans_; but as to the inward, they have this Singularity, that their Heart is situated in their Thigh; so that it may be truly said of them, that they carry their Heart in their Breeches. Hence, among all the Inhabitants of this Globe, these are accounted the most fearful and pusillanimous. Upon my Arrival, I enter’d into an Inn near the Gate, and as the Fatigue of Travelling had made me something weary and fretful, I rattled my Host for being slow in his Attendance. But he, falling on his Knees, implor’d for Mercy, and extending his Thigh for me to feel the great Palpitation of Heart he was in, from storming I fell to laughing, and bid him dry his Tears, and cast away all Fear: He rose, and in a Transport kiss’d my Hand, and set about Supper immediately. In a Minute or two the whole Kitchen resounded with Cries and Lamentations. I ran thither, and to my vast Astonishment, there did I behold my very fearful Host beating and whipping his Wife and the Maids about. Seeing me, he took to his Heels, and run away. I turn’d to the weeping Family, and begg’d to know what Crime they had committed, to provoke so meek a Man to so great Rage. They, on the other Hand, stood mute, with their Eyes fasten’d to the Ground, not daring to tell the Cause of their Affliction. But upon my persisting to enquire, and adding Threats to my Intreaty, the Mistress spoke to me in this Manner: “You seem, Sir, to be a great Stranger to the Manners of the World. The Natives of this Principality can’t bear the Sight of an armed Enemy, and out of their own Houses tremble at the least Noise; yet they all domineer in the Kitchen, they exert their Bravery on their defenceless Family, and are only then valiant, when no Resistance can be made. On this Account they are the Jest, as well as the Prey, of the neighbouring States. But in the bordering Kingdom, to which we are Tributaries, the Case is otherwise. There they never fight but against an arm’d Enemy. There the Males command abroad, and serve at home.” I admir’d the Wisdom of the Hostess, whom I look’d upon as worthy of a better Condition. And, indeed, upon a closer Inspection into the Nature and Disposition of People, this Matron, it must be own’d, was extremely in the right, since from innumerable Examples it is clear, that _Hercules_ is not the only one who has yielded to a Distaff, but that it is the common Fate of brave and warlike Men to submit, with all due Patience, to the Female Yoke: And that, on the other Hand, the veriest Cowards in all Nature, who like the _Bostankians_, carry their Hearts in their Breeches, are yet Heroes in the Kitchen. This People live under the Protection of a neighbouring Kingdom, to whom they pay Tribute for it.

From hence I pass’d by Water to _Mikolac_. Coming out of the Boat I miss’d my Cloak-Bag. I presently charg’d the Boat-Man with the Theft, who stifly deny’d it. Upon this I went and complain’d to the Magistrate, telling him, that if I had not the Liberty of bringing an Action against the Boat-Man for Breach of Trust or Theft, I hop’d he would at least compel him to make simple Restitution. But my Adversary not only persisted in denying the Fact, but threaten’d me with an Action of Slander. In a Case so doubtful the Court call’d for Witnesses. But as I could bring none, I desir’d my Antagonist might purge himself by Oath. At this the Judge smil’d, and spoke as follows. “My Friend, says he, in this Province we are bound by no Religion, nor have we any other Gods beside the Laws of our Country. Accusations here must be made good by legal Methods, such as proving the Delivery, estimating the Value, exhibiting Receipts, and producing Witnesses. Whoever is destitute of these, not only loses his Cause, but is liable to be sued for Calumny. Make the Case plain by proper Evidence, and what you have lost shall be restor’d to you.” Thus losing my Cause for want of Witnesses, I not only lamented my own Misfortune, but that of the Republick itself. For from hence it appear’d, what a weak unsettled Society that must be which depends for its Security upon human Laws alone, and how frail are all political Edifices unless cemented together by Religion. I staid three Days here in continual Fears. For tho’ the Laws of the Country are in Reality very good, and tho’ Crimes are punish’d with the utmost Severity, yet no Safety can be reasonably expected in a Country too atheistical to have the least Sense of religious Obligation, and where they scruple the Commission of no Crimes, provided they can but conceal them.

From this Land of Atheists, I travell’d on over a steep Mountain to the City of _Bracmat_, which was situated in the Plain at the Foot of the Mountain. The Inhabitants are Junipers. The first Person I met, came directly rushing at me, and threw me backwards. I did not well understand this, and asking the Reason of it, the Juniper begg’d my Pardon a thousand Times. Presently after, another with a Staff he had in his Hand, gave me a Blow upon the Reins that almost took away my Senses: But in the same Moment he made a long Harangue to me in Excuse of his Imprudence. Suspecting, therefore, this People to be either totally blind, or very weak-sighted, I took Care to avoid every one I met. In fact, all this arose from the exquisite Sense of Sight which some are here endued with. They can clearly discern remote Objects, which are impenetrable to vulgar Eyes; but then they do not see what is nearer and almost at hand. These are call’d _Makatti_; and they devote themselves principally to the Studies of Metaphysicks and Astronomy. They are of very little Service in the World, by reason of their too delicate Vision. They make very pretty _minute Philosophers_; but in solid Matters and Things of daily Use, they commit innumerable Blunders. However, the Government makes some Use of them, and sends them to the Mines for the Discovery of Metals. For tho’ they see scarce any Thing upon the Surface of the Earth, their Sight exerts itself upon any Thing beneath it. I concluded from hence, that there are some who are blind from too great a Delicacy in the Organs of Vision, and that they would see better if their Eyes were worse.

Having gain’d the Top of another very steep and rocky Mountain, I now enter’d the Province of _Mutak_, the Capital of which look’d like a Grove of Willows, the Inhabitants being all of that Species. Proceeding to the Market, I there found a robust, healthy young Man, sitting in a _Place of Ease_ (of which there are many round the Market-Place) and imploring the Mercy of the Senate. I enquir’d the Meaning of this, and was informed, that the said Person was a Criminal, to whom they were going to give the fifteenth Dose. Surpriz’d at the Answer, I step’d aside, and desir’d my Host to explain this Riddle. He reply’d thus: “Most Nations punish Crimes by whipping, branding, hanging and the like: But nothing of that Kind obtains in this Country. For we study not so much to punish Crimes, as to mend the Criminal. The Culprit upon the Seat is a wretched Author, who for his violent Itch of Writing, which neither Law nor Advice could restrain, has been condemn’d by the Senate to the publick Punishment. This is left to the _Censors_ of the City, who are all Doctors of Physick, and who are now going to macerate and bring him low by frequent Purgings, till they have conquer’d and extinguish’d the Lust of Scribbling.” He ended his Discourse with desiring me to go to the Shop of a publick Apothecary. I went with him accordingly, and to my vast Amazement beheld Phials and Gallipots all properly arrang’d, with such Inscriptions as these: _Powder of Avarice._ _Pills for Lust._ _Tincture against Cruelty._ _Lenitive of Ambition._ _Cortex against Pleasure_, &c. Words cannot express the strange Confusion of Mind this odd Spectacle threw me into. But a perfect Ecstasy of Surprize ensued, when I observed a Parcel of Manuscripts with these Titles: _Sermons of Master_ Pisagus, _a Morning’s Perusal of which gives six Stools_. _Meditations of Dr._ Jukes, _a Specific in the_ Coma Vigil, _or Want of Sleep_, &c. I thought the People out of their Senses, and to examine more accurately the Virtue of their Medicines, I open’d the first of these Books. It was such insipid Stuff, that at the first Chapter I began to make Faces; and reading on, I found my Bowels rumble, and soon after had a _Tenesmus_. But as I knew I had no Occasion for Purging, I threw the Book down, and run away. I then observ’d, that nothing in the whole World was without its Use, and that the most pitiful Performances were serviceable for something. I found also, that this People were no Fools, however absurd I at first took them to be. My Host averr’d to me, that he was cur’d of lying awake from only perusing Doctor _Juke_’s Book, the Virtue of which was so profound and potent, that Vigilance itself must snore at it. These Things occasion’d in me a tumultuous Variety of Thought. And lest they should break in upon that Chain of philosophical Reflexions I had heretofore made, I resolv’d soon to leave the Country. And happily enough, the strange Things I soon saw in other Provinces, jostled out almost all Thoughts of this Place. But notwithstanding, after I had finish’d my Tour round this Globe, and was reflecting upon the _Mutakian_ Philosophy, their Manner of curing Disorders was not altogether so absurd. For I am convinc’d, that in our _Europe_ there are some Books that would purge the most costive, or give Sleep to the most wakeful. As to the Disorders of the Mind, I own I could not subscribe to the _Mutakian_ Principles in this Point, tho’ it must be confess’d, there are some Infirmities of Body, which we confound with the Disorders of the Mind; as a witty Poet of our World has observ’d in the following Epigram.