Chapter VI: Part 6

At last all the musical Instruments struck up at once, and the new Doctor, cloath’d in a Robe of Green, and girt with a Sash of the same Colour, was escorted home from the Auditory with all _Parnassus_ at his Heels. But as he was of a plebeian Family, he had not the Honour of a Coach, but was seated in a Vehicle not unlike a Wheelbarrow, and drawn by Hand, the University-Beadles marching before in their respective Habits. The Whole ended in a very handsome Entertainment, where the Guests drank so plentifully, that many of them were carried home extremely intoxicated, and were so ill for many Days after, that without the Help of proper Medicines they would hardly have recover’d. So that from the Beginning to the Ending of this whole Ceremony, nothing was wanting to the due Solemnity of it; and I protest, I never, even in our World, saw a more truly academical Promotion, or any Candidate commence Doctor more legitimately than this.

In the Courts of Justice, Causes are dispatch’d with a surprizing Dexterity, and I was charm’d with that Readiness of Apprehension, that Velocity of conceiving Things, so peculiar to this Nation. Very often, before the Advocates have wound up their Pleadings, the Judges rise and give Sentence with equal Expedition and Elegance. I often frequented these Courts, to inform myself thoroughly of their Manner of Proceeding. At first hearing, their Decrees seem’d just and equitable enough; but upon a more careful Examination, they were in Reality absurd, unjust, and full of Contradictions, insomuch that I would sooner commit my Cause to the Chance of a Die, than to the Judgment of the _Martinian_ Lawyers. I forbear to say any Thing concerning the Laws of this People, by reason of the capricious Changes they perpetually undergo. They are as fickle in these as in their Fashions. Many are here punish’d for Crimes, which were not Crimes at the Time they were committed, but commence such by Virtue of an After-Law to make them so. For which Reason nothing is more common than Appeals from the inferior to the superior Courts, the Plaintiff having Hopes, that, while the Suit is depending, the old Law (which lost him his Cause in the lower Court) may be repeal’d. This is owing to the Suddenness with which their Laws are invented and promulged. Such Lovers of Novelty are this People, that they perfectly nauseate the most useful Statutes, solely upon Account of their Antiquity. The Advocates are in great Reputation for their Shrewdness in Disputation. Nay, there are some among them, who disdain to undertake a Cause that is not unjust, or at least very doubtful; for in so doing they might be depriv’d of an Occasion of exerting their Parts, and giving Specimens of their Ability to turn Black into White. The Judges will often favour a bad Cause, in Compliment to the Council for defending it so well. “We perceive well enough, say the Judges, the Injustice of this Cause, but then it has been manag’d with such inimitable Art, that in Justice to the Advocate for his Performance, we ought to strain a Point of Law.” The Students in this Profession are taught Law at different Prices; for Instance, Those who teach their Pupils to manage a bad Cause, or, according to the Proverb, to make the best of a bad Market, require twenty _Stercolates_ for their Trouble; the Art of managing a good one shall cost but ten. Their Forms of Law are so many, they resemble a huge _Chaos_, without Bottom and without Shore. For the _Martinians_, having a sublime Genius and a quick Perception, detest every Thing that’s plain and simple, and think nothing worth their Care that is not very knotty and intricate.

The same Taste prevails in Religion, which does not consist in Practice, but in idle Speculations. Thus there are two hundred and thirty different Opinions about the Form or Figure of the Supream Being, and three hundred and ninety-six about the Nature and Quality of Souls. The _Martinians_ never resort to their Temples or Churches with the View of hearing any Thing useful, or of improving themselves in the Art of living and dying well, but only to observe with what Art and Dexterity the holy Orators acquit themselves; for the more obscure their Language is, the more they are admir’d, their Audience having very little Relish for what they understand. More Pains are taken about the Expression, than about the Matter, the Preachers affecting the smooth, round Period more than the Strength of Reason, and the Audience expecting to be amus’d with a sounding Pomp of Words without a Meaning. For this Reason I did not dare say any Thing concerning the Christian Religion, which consisting of naked, simple Truths, could never recommend itself to their _Goût_.

Projectors are no where in so high Reputation as here. The more odd and impracticable the Scheme, the greater is the Inventor’s Glory. When I had accidentally been explaining to a certain Monkey the Nature of our terraqueous Globe, and had inform’d him that the Surface of it was inhabited, he presently conceiv’d a Project of digging through the Earth, and opening a Passage to the _Superterraneans_. This Device met with universal Applause, and a Society was thereupon instituted, and call’d THE SUPERTERRANEAN COMPANY, to which the Inhabitants flock’d in Shoals, and, according to the Language of those Times, bought in _Stocks_. However, as this Affair introduced a great deal of Confusion into the Kingdom, and ruin’d a Multitude of Families beyond Redemption, they found the Folly of the Scheme, and dropt it all at once. And though the Nation smarted so severely by it, yet the Projector not only escap’d with Impunity, but with almost general Praise, this People entertaining the highest Idea of his great Abilities.

Perceiving this Turn of Mind to prevail, I endeavour’d by the same Means to procure myself a Reputation among the _Martinians_, and to mend my Fortune by some new Project of my own. After a due Examination of the State of the Publick, I discover’d several Flaws in it. I saw the whole Country was full of the more subtle Sort of Artists, but that it labour’d under a Want of useful Traders and Workmen. Upon this I propos’d a Law for the Institution of certain Manufacturers, that might be of great Service to the Nation. But every Proposal of this Kind met with nothing but Sneers and Contempt from this vain People. I then accus’d my own Stupidity in these Terms, _What a Sot have I been? and how richly do I deserve to end my Days in the ignoble Office of Chairman?_ Yet I did not altogether despond, and being convinc’d I should never do them, nor myself, any Good by salutary Counsels, I resolv’d to try whether I could not get over the Difficulty by some ridiculous Invention or other. I open’d my Design to one of the gravest Monkeys I knew, who encourag’d me to it mightily. And when he prov’d to me, that Numbers there had made their Fortunes by mere Trifles and boyish Gewgaws, and more especially by the Invention of some new Fashion, I then resolv’d to swim with the Tide, and among Fools to play the Fool myself. Upon this I call’d to Mind all the most ridiculous and extravagant Inventions of _Europe_, and being at Liberty to pick and chuse, I fix’d upon those Ornaments of the Head, which we call _Perriwigs_, and determin’d with myself to introduce this Fashion. What contributed to bear me out in this Attempt, was the great Number of Goats in this Kingdom, whose Wool or Hair would be very proper for my Purpose. And as my good Tutor (now at Rest) long exercis’d the Occupation of a Perriwig-Maker, I was not altogether ignorant of the Art. In short, I procur’d some Goat’s Hair, and made a Perriwig fitted to my own Head, and thus adorn’d, I appear’d before the Syndick. Startled at so new and unusual an Appearance, he ask’d me what it was, and immediately snatching it from my Head, he put it upon his own, and run to the Glass to survey himself. But how shall I express his Wonder and Delight? He burst into an Ecstasy of Pleasure, crying, _O ye Gods!_ and forthwith sent for his Lady to join with him in his Joy. Her Wonder was equal to his, and embracing the Syndick, she vow’d she never saw any Thing so charming, and every Soul in the Family was of the same Opinion. The Syndick then turning towards me, _My dear_ Kakidoran, says he, _if this Invention of yours should take with the Senate as it does with me, you may promise yourself every Thing_. I thank’d his Excellence, and soon after put a Petition into his Hands, address’d to the Senate, which I begg’d the Favour of him to offer. It was conceiv’d in these Terms.

_Most Excellent, most Generous, most Illustrious,
most Noble, and most Wise Senators._

“The natural Propensity, by which I am influenc’d to promote the
publick Good, has now mov’d me to contrive this new and hitherto
unheard-of Ornament for the Head, which here I most humbly offer
to your Excellencies, and submit it to the Examination of this
august Tribunal, not doubting but it will meet with a most gracious
Reception, especially as the Invention must conduce to the Glory,
as well as Ornament of the Nation, and make the admiring World
confess, that the _Martinians_ excel the rest of Mortals, not only
in the Virtues and Endowments of the Mind, but in those Ornaments
of the Body which render the Person grand and majestick. I solemnly
vow to all your Excellencies, that in this I never consulted my
own Interest, and therefore I require no Reward: It is enough for
me in my slender Capacity to have promoted the publick Welfare,
and the Kingdom’s Honour. But if the most illustrious Senate are
pleas’d to decree me a suitable Reward for my Labours, I shall
receive it with a grateful Heart, that such their Munificence may
be known throughout the World, and others animated to the like, or
greater Inventions. In this View I cannot oppose the Liberality
of the Senate and People of _Martinia_. As to the rest, I commend
myself to the Favour of your Excellencies, and am,

_May it please your Excellencies_,
_Your most obedient_,
_And most humble Servant_,
+Kakidoran+.”
Martinia,
_7th Day of_ Astral.

The Syndick produc’d the Petition with the Perriwig in open Senate. I heard that all Business was laid aside that Day, so much did the Examination of the Perriwig engage the general Attention. Upon the Close of all, they prais’d the Work, extoll’d the Artist, accepted of his Good-will, and appointed him a Reward. In the whole Senate there were but three who oppos’d this Motion; but they got no Credit by it, and were look’d upon as rude, unpolish’d Creatures, totally unworthy of the senatorial Function.

This Decree being pass’d, I was commanded to appear before the Senate, where a senior Monkey rising up, thank’d me in the Name of the whole Commonwealth, and assur’d me they would reward me in a Manner suitable to my great Merit. He likewise ask’d me, how much Time it would require to make such another Ornament? I reply’d, that as to the Reward, it was sufficient Recompence to receive the Applauses of so venerable a Body: As to the other Point, the making a second Perriwig, provided I might have the Assistance of as many Monkeys as I could instruct in the Art, I could undertake in one Month to furnish almost the whole City. At these Words, the Syndick rose and said, _Heav’n forbid_, Kakidoran, _that such an Ornament should be common to all the City, and grow into Disesteem by frequent Use! No; let the Nobility be by this distinguish’d from the Vulgar._ This Opinion was seconded by all the Senate, and the publick Censors were order’d to take due Care that this Decree should be inviolably observ’d, that the Nobility receive no Dishonour by the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs, and that so bright an Ornament should be reserv’d solely for their Use. But this Edict had the same Effect that all sumptuary Laws have, and only excited a stronger Desire in the Commons to transgress them. And as this Invention had the Happiness to please every one, the richer Citizens, by Friends or Money, procur’d Titles of Honour to qualify them to wear Perriwigs, insomuch that in a short Time a very great Part of the City was enobled. At length, when Petitions arriv’d from the several Provinces, to be allow’d to come into this Fashion, the Senate took the Matter under Consideration, and made a Repeal of the Law, with a Permission for the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs; so that I had the Pleasure to see the whole Nation _perriwig’d_, if I may use the Expression, before I left _Martinia_. And a most delightful Sight it was! Such general Satisfaction did this Contrivance give, that it gave Birth to a new Epoch, or Date of Time, which was call’d in the _Martinian_ Annals, THE YEAR OF PERRIWIGS.

To return to myself. Surrounded with Applauses, and cloath’d in a Purple Robe, I was carried back in a Chair to the Syndick’s House, and my Comrade Chairman now perform’d the Office of a Horse for me. From that Hour I was admitted to the Syndick’s Table. After this lucky Prelude of my Fortune, I pursued my Design, and by the joint Labours of those I instructed, I in a short Time finish’d off Perriwigs enough to accommodate the whole Senate; and about the End of the Month the following Diploma of Nobility was brought me.

“Whereas a certain Person, by Name _Kakidoran_, Native of a
City call’d _Europe_, has by a glorious and useful Invention
highly oblig’d the whole _Martinian_ Nation: It is our Will and
Pleasure to associate him into the Body of our Nobility; and we do
accordingly decree, That he and his Heirs henceforth be reputed as
true and genuine Nobles, and enjoy all such Privileges, Rights and
Immunities, as are claim’d by the _Martinian_ Nobility. Moreover
we have decreed to honour him with a new Name, so that instead of
_Kakidoran_, he shall now be styl’d _Kikidorian_. And lastly, it is
our Will and Pleasure to settle an annual Stipend upon him of two
hundred Patari, to enable him to support his new Dignity.”

_Given at our Court of Senate
in_ Martinia, _the 4th Day
of_ Merian, _under our Great
Seal_, &c.

Thus from a poor Chairman was I transform’d to a Nobleman; and for some Time I liv’d in the highest Repute, and with the utmost Felicity. And as the _Martinians_ saw I was in high Favour with the Syndick, every Creature made his Court to me. The Flattery of the Preferment-Hunters went so far as to strive which should write the most fulsome Panegyricks upon me, in which they kindly gave me a great many Virtues I never had. Some, though they knew I was a Native of an unknown World, yet reckon’d up for me a long List of Ancestors, and drew out Genealogies in a direct Line from Heroes of the earliest Ages. These Computations could not be very agreeable to me, nor was it possible for me to think it an Honour to be descended from Monkeys. Moreover, as it is usual with the _Martinians_ to celebrate the Tails of the Quality, as our Poets sing the Beauties of their Mistresses, accordingly some of the _Martinian_ Poets celebrated my Tail in Verse, though I never had any. In short, to such a Height did their Flattery rise, that a certain Person of no mean Extraction, and whose Name I spare upon Account of his Family, actually offer’d me the Enjoyment of his Wife, if in Return I would use all my Interest for him with the Syndick. This vile Propensity to Flattery, to which all the _Martinians_ are extremely subject, makes it not worth one’s while to read their Histories, which are little more than a Heap of extravagant Encomiums, though the Language of them is every where polite and elegant. Hence this Country produces better Poets than Historians, which is owing to the fine Imagination of the _Martinians_.

I enjoy’d a tolerable good Share of Health while I was in this Country, tho’ the Heat, occasion’d by the continual Presence of the Sun, was not a little troublesome. Once I was seiz’d with a Diarrhea, attended with a high Fever; but it was of no great Continuance: But during my Illness, the Physician I made use of was ten Times more troublesome than my Disorder, by reason of his Impertinence and Loquacity, which are so peculiar to this People. Having Occasion for a Physician in that ill State of Health, a Doctor of Physick came a Voluntier, and offer’d me his Assistance: I could not forbear laughing at the Sight of him, because who should this be but my very Barber? I question’d him, how it happen’d that from a Barber he was so soon metamorphos’d into a Doctor? He reply’d, he exercis’d both Professions. Upon this I was a little dubious, whether I ought to trust the Care of my Health to such a general Trader, and frankly told him, that I had rather have a Physician who profess’d the Art of Physick alone; but he vow’d and protested to me, that there was not one such throughout the whole City. I was therefore oblig’d to venture myself with him. The Haste the Doctor was in increas’d my Wonder; for having prescrib’d for me a Potion, he abruptly took his Leave, declaring he could not possibly stay longer, because he was oblig’d to attend upon some other Affairs, in which he was engag’d, at that very Time. And when I ask’d him what those Affairs could be which requir’d such violent Haste, he told me, he was under a Necessity of being at a Market-Town in the Neighbourhood by such an Hour, to act as a Notary-Publick, which was another of his Employments. This Multiplicity of Business is in great Vogue here, and every body is very ready to undertake any the most opposite and contradictory Offices. This Confidence is occasion’d by that wonderful Liveliness of Genius, which dispatches Business in a Trice. Yet from the various Mistakes and Blunders they daily commit, I concluded that these Geniuses, which are so full of Fire, are rather an Ornament to the Commonwealth, than of any real Use to it.

After I had spent two Years in this Territory, partly as a Chairman, and partly as a Nobleman, I fell into an Adventure which had like to have been fatal to me. In his Excellency’s Palace, I had met with the highest Civilities; I had also the Honour to be extremely in the good Graces of his Lady, insomuch that I seem’d to have the first Place in her Friendship. She often favour’d me with _tete a tete_ Conversations; and tho’ she seem’d highly pleas’d with my Company, yet all she said was with so much Modesty and Delicacy, that it was impossible to put a sinister Interpretation upon her Conduct in this Respect, nor could I with all my Penetration guess, that the Source of all this wondrous Goodness was an impure Passion, more especially as she was a Lady of Quality, and as eminent for her Virtue, as for her Birth and Family. But, in Process of Time, from some equivocal Speeches of hers, I could not but entertain a few Suspicions, which were considerably increas’d by several evident Symptoms,

The wan Complexion, and the dying Eye,
The stedfast Gaze, th’ involuntary Sigh.

At length the Mystery was clear’d up, a young Virgin, her Confidante, bringing me the following Billet.

_Lovely_ +Kikidorian+,

“My Birth, and the natural Modesty of my Sex, have now conceal’d
those Sparks of Love, which lurk’d within my Bosom, and with-held
them from bursting into an open Flame. But now, sinking under the
Oppression, I can no longer resist the Violence of my Wishes.”

Let this soft Secret all thy Pity move,
Extorted from my Soul by raging Love.

_I am Yours_,
+Ptarnusa+.

Words cannot utter the Confusion this passionate Declaration threw me into. But as I thought it better to be expos’d to the Vengeance of disappointed Love, than to disturb the Laws of Nature by mixing my Blood with a Creature not of the human Species, I return’d the following Answer.

+Madam+,

The repeated Favours I have receiv’d from his Excellency the
Syndick, the Benefits he has heap’d upon an undeserving Stranger,
the moral Impossibility of complying with your Request, together
with innumerable other Reasons which I forbear to recount; all
this, Madam, determines me to hazard your Ladyship’s Resentment,
rather than consent to an Action which would render me of all
two-footed Creatures the most vile and abominable. Not Death itself
is half so terrible. The Crime too would bring an indelible Stain
upon a most illustrious Family, and she who commands it must be
the greatest Sufferer. Let me conjure you, therefore, to pardon
this Refusal, and be satisfy’d, that in every other Respect I shall
always pay the profoundest Obedience to your Ladyship’s Commands. I
am,

_Madam_,
_Your most humble_,
_And most obedient Servant_,
+Kikidorian+.

This Answer I seal’d up, and gave it to the Bearer to deliver to her Mistress. It had the Effect I suspected. Her Love was chang’d into the strongest Aversion. However, she deferr’d her Revenge till she had recover’d that Letter she sent to me. She then suborn’d false Witnesses, who swore that I attempted to violate the Syndick’s Bed. This Story was cook’d up with so much Art, and such an Air of Probability, that the Syndick, not making the least Doubt about it, threw me into Prison. In this Extremity, there was but one Thing to be done, and that was, to make Confession of the Crime, and implore his Excellency’s Mercy. By these Means, I hop’d to divert or soften his Anger, and procure a Mitigation of my Punishment. For it was ridiculous to think of contesting the Matter with a powerful Family, especially in a Country, where not the Merits of the Cause, but the sole Quality of the Person is regarded. Therefore omitting all Sort of Defence, I had Recourse to the most abject Supplications and Tears, imploring not a total Remission of my Punishment, but only to have it moderated.

Thus by the Confession of a Crime I never dreamt of, I chang’d the Punishment of Death for a perpetual Captivity. My Diploma of Nobility was taken from me, and torn in Pieces by the Hands of the common Hangman, and I myself was condemn’d to be a Galley-Slave all my Days. The Galley, or Vessel, I was sent to work in, belong’d to the Government, and lay in Readiness for its Voyage to the _Mezendores_, or Land of Wonders. This Voyage is undertaken at a stated Time of the Year, namely, in the Month _Radir_. They sail to these Parts in Quest of such Commodities as are not to be had in their own Country, so that the _Mezendores_ are a Kind of _Indies_ to the _Martinians_. A Body of Merchants, as well Nobles as Citizens, are erected into a Society called the _Mezendorian Company_, among whom the Merchandise of the returning Vessel is divided, according to their several Subscriptions and Shares. The Vessel moves both by Sails and Oars, and to every Oar two Slaves or Captives are assign’d: And to this Drudgery was I condemn’d during this Voyage. With what Reluctance I enter’d upon it, it is easy to guess, especially as I had done nothing to deserve being thus expos’d to servile Labour, and to the Lash, among Wretches and Slaves. Various were the Sentiments of the _Martinians_ concerning my Misfortune. Some were of Opinion I was culpable, and therefore deserv’d the Punishment; but then the Sight of me in that miserable Condition drew Compassion from them. Others thought some Regard ought to have been had to my former Services, and that therefore my Punishment need not have been so severe. But some of the honester Monkeys mutter’d among themselves that I was accus’d falsely, though no one dar’d openly undertake my Defence, through Fear of my powerful Accusers. I determin’d, however, to bear my Calamity with Patience. My greatest Comfort was the approaching Voyage; for as I had always a strong Passion for Novelty, I was in Hopes of meeting with something new and wonderful, though I could not give Credit to all the Sailors told me, nor bring myself to think that there were such Prodigies in Nature, as I afterwards met with. There were several Interpreters in our Vessel, whose Assistance the _Mezendorian Company_ made use of in these Expeditions; for all Contracts, as to Buying and Selling, were made by them.

CHAP. XI.

_The Author’s Voyage to the_ +Land+ of
WONDERS.

Before I proceed to the Description of this Voyage, I must caution the rigid and censorious Critick not to be too much out of Humour at the Relation of some Things which perhaps may appear not to deserve any Credit, as being contrary to the usual Course of Nature. I shall here recount Things very incredible, but very true, and of which I myself was an Eye-Witness. The Vulgar and Illiterate, who never have set a Foot beyond the Limits of their own native Country, are apt to look upon all such Things as fabulous to which they have not been accustom’d from their Infancy. But the Learned, and especially such of them as are conversant in physical Enquiries, who know how fertile Nature is in her Productions, will look with a more favourable Eye upon the wonderful Parts of this Narration.

_Quis tumidum guttur miratur in Alpibus? aut quis
In Meröe crasso majorem infante mamillam_, &c.

It is now well known, that there were a People formerly in _Scythia_, called _Arimaspians_, who had only a single Eye apiece in the Middle of their Foreheads; and others in the same Parts of the World, whose Feet were set on the contrary Way to ours. We read of People in _Albania_, who were grey-headed from their Childhood. The _Sauromatians_ us’d to make a Meal but once in three Days, and to fast the intermediate ones. Mention is made of certain Families in _Africa_, who had the Art of fascinating or bewitching People with the Sound of their Voices. The Inhabitants of _Illyrium_ were remarkable for having two Pupils in each Eye, and us’d, when they were provok’d, to stare their Enemies to Death. In the Mountains of _India_, there are some Men with Dogs Heads, and who have been heard to bark like those Animals; others, with Eyes in their Shoulders. And in the farthest Parts of the same Country, there have been found Animals resembling Men, with hairy Bodies, and Wings like Birds, who never eat, but live upon the Scent of Flowers, which they draw through their Nostrils. Now I may ask, Who would have given Credit to these, and the like Things, if _Pliny_, a very grave Historian, had not solemnly affirm’d, not that he had heard or read of such Things, but that he himself had seen them? In like Manner, who would ever have thought that the Earth was hollow, and that another Sun, and other Planets, were contain’d within its Bowels, had not my own Experience clear’d up that Mystery? Or how could an Account of a World, inhabited by Trees endued with Reason, and a Power of local Motion, have ever gain’d Belief, had not my Discoveries prov’d the Existence of it beyond a Possibility of Doubt. I am not inclin’d, however, to quarrel with any Man for his Incredulity, since I must confess, that before I undertook this Voyage, I was a little in doubt myself, whether the Relations of Travellers in general were any Thing better than pompous Fables, and insignificant Amusements.

It was in the Beginning of the Month _Radir_ that we set Sail. We had a fair Wind for some Days, and our Vessel sailing right before it, we had no Occasion to handle our Oars, and were therefore at Liberty to divert ourselves. But on the fourth Day the Wind sunk, and we were forc’d to take to our Oars. The Captain perceiving I was unaccustom’d to such hard Labour, and unfit to bear it, would often give me Leave to rest a while, and at length he entirely freed me from this servile Office. Whether he thought me innocent, and therefore shew’d me so much Kindness, or whether he judg’d me worthy of better Treatment on Account of the curious Invention of Perriwigs, which I had the Honour of, as I have before related, I cannot take upon me to determine. I must however observe, that he carry’d three Wigs along with him this Voyage, the Combing and Buckling of which was committed to my Charge. So that I was on a sudden advanc’d from being a Galley-Slave, to the Dignity of the Captain’s Wig-Dresser. This Civility of the Captain’s to me was the Reason that as often as we arriv’d at any Port, I was always one of the Number who were appointed to go on Shore. This was extremely agreeable to me, as it gave me an Opportunity of fully satisfying my Curiosity.

We kept on our Course for some Time without meeting with any Thing remarkable; but after we had lost Sight of Land we fell among the _Syrens_, who as often as the Wind abated, and the Sea grew calm, would swim to the Ship, and beg our Charity. The Language they spoke resembled the _Martinese_, so that some of our Ship’s Crew were able to talk with them without the Help of an Interpreter. One of the Number, after I had given her a Piece of Meat, fixing her Eyes stedfastly upon me, cry’d out,

Hero! proceed, and rule a conquer’d World!

I only smil’d at the Prophecy, as thinking it an empty Piece of Flattery, though our Sailors assur’d me very seriously, that these Syrens were seldom or never out in their Predictions. We had been under Sail about eight Days when we discovered Land, which the Mariners call’d _Picardania_. As we were entring the Harbour, we saw a Jack-Daw hovering about us, who upon Enquiry I found to be a Person of great Dignity, and at that Time Inspector-General of the Customs. I could scarce refrain from laughing, when I heard that an Office of so great Trust was committed to a Jack-Daw, and from the Appearance of their Chief, I conjectur’d, that Wasps and Hornets must be the Tide-Waiters and Custom-House Officers. After this Bird had flown two or three Times round the Ship, he made for the Shore again, and presently after return’d with three other Daws, and alighted upon the Fore-castle. I was ready to burst with laughing, when I saw one of our Interpreters approach these Birds with a profound Respect, and immediately enter into a long Conversation with them. The Reason of their coming, was to inspect what Merchandise we had on board, it being their Business to enquire, whether we had any contraband Goods, and particularly any of the Herb commonly call’d _Slac_. It is very common for these Creatures to search every Corner of the Ship, and to unpack every Bale of Goods, to see if they can discover any of this Herb, the Importation of which is prohibited by the Magistrate, under a very severe Penalty. The Inhabitants barter several Sorts of Commodities, which are very useful and necessary towards the Support of Life, in Exchange for this Herb; from whence it happens, that the Plants which grow in _Picardania_, though every whit as good as this, are held in no Esteem. The _Picardanians_ in this resemble the _Europeans_, who are often fond of Things for no other Reason, but because they are fetch’d from remote Countries, and grow in foreign Soils. The Inspector, after he had had a long Conference with our Interpreters, went down into the Hold with the rest of his Companions, and returning soon after, with an angry Countenance declar’d, that he forbad us trading with the _Picardanians_, because we had acted contrary to the Faith of Treaties, in importing prohibited Goods. But the Captain, who knew by Experience how to mitigate the Officer’s Anger, presented him immediately with a few Pounds of _Slac_, upon which his Anger subsided, and he gave us Leave to unload our Cargo. As soon as this was over, a vast Flock of Daws came fluttering about us. These were all Merchants, who came to traffick. The Captain intending to go ashore, order’d me, and some others, to accompany him. Accordingly four in Number of us left the Ship, namely, the Captain, myself, and two other Monkeys, to wit, our Supercargo and Interpreter. We were invited to Dinner by the Inspector-General. The Inhabitants have no Tables, as not making any Use of Chairs, for which Reason the Cloth was laid in the Middle of the Floor. A most delicate and magnificent Repast was presently serv’d up, but in very small Dishes: And as the Kitchen was at the Top of the House, each Dish was brought in supported by two Pair of Jack-Daws, as if it descended from the Clouds. After Dinner the Officer took us along with him, to shew us his Library. There was a vast Collection of Books, but of a mighty small Size, the largest Folios being scarce so big as one of our Primmers. I had much ado to withhold laughing when I saw the Librarian fly up to the Top-Shelves to fetch down some of the Octavos and Duodecimos. The Houses of the _Picardanians_ are very little different from ours, as to the Building, and the Disposition of the Apartments; but the Bed-Chambers are suspended just beneath the Roof, after the Manner of Birds-Nests. It may be ask’d, perhaps, how it is possible for Daws, (who are reckon’d amongst the Birds _Minorum gentium_) to build Houses of such a Magnitude? But it was evident, from a House which was then building from the Ground, that the Thing was very possible; for several thousand Labourers were employ’d about it at the same Time; so that what was wanting in Strength was supply’d by Numbers, and by the Agility with which they flew about their Work. For this Reason they will finish a House almost as quickly as our Bricklayers can. The Inspector’s Lady did not appear at Table, by reason of her Lying-in; for at such Times the Mother never stirs out as long as her little ones are callow, but as soon as ever they begin to be fledg’d, her Husband gives her Leave to go abroad. We did not stay long in this Country, for which Reason I can say nothing as to the Government thereof, or the Manners and Customs of the Inhabitants. Every Thing was in great Confusion at that Time, on Account of a War which was just then broke out between the _Daws_ and their Neighbours the _Thrushes_, especially as News was brought the Day after our Arrival, that a great Battle had been fought in the Air, in which the Daws were entirely routed. The General was afterwards try’d by a Court-Martial, and sentenc’d to have his Wings clipt, which is look’d upon as a very heavy Punishment in this Country, and very little different from what is inflicted for capital Offences. After we had dispos’d of the Cargo, we set Sail from thence. At a little Distance from the Shore, we saw great Quantities of Feathers floating about upon the Water, and from thence conjectur’d, that it was the Spot where the late Battle had been fought.

After a prosperous Voyage, which lasted only three Days, we arriv’d upon the Coast of _Crotchet-Island_. We immediately came to an Anchor, and went on Shore, preceded by an Interpreter, who carry’d that Sort of musical Instrument along with him, which is generally call’d a _Base_. This Ceremony appear’d very ridiculous to me, as I could not comprehend for what Reason he should load himself with such an useless Burden. As the Coasts seem’d to be deserted, and there was no Appearance of any living Creature, the Captain order’d our Interpreter to play a March, to give Notice of our Coming. Upon this about thirty musical Instruments, or Bases, with one Leg, came hopping towards us. I thought at first, that what I saw was all Inchantment, as I never, in all my Travels, met with any Thing so wonderful. The Make of these Bases, whom I afterwards found to be the Inhabitants of the Country, was as follows: Their Necks were pretty long, with little Heads upon them; their Bodies were slender, and cover’d with a smooth Kind of Bark or Rind, in such a Manner, as that a pretty large Vacuity was left between the Rind and the Body itself. A little above the Navel, Nature had plac’d a Sort of Bridge with four Strings. The whole Machine rested upon one Foot, so that their Motion was like that of Hopping, which they perform’d with wonderful Agility. In short one would have took them for real Bases, from their Similitude to that Instrument, had it not been for their Hands and Arms, which were in every Respect like our own. One of these Hands was employ’d in holding the Bow, as the other was in stopping the Strings. Our Interpreter begun the Conference, by taking up the Instrument he had brought with him, and playing a slow Strain.

_Sustinet a lævâ, tenuit manus altera plectrum,
Artificis status ipse fuit: Tum stamina docto
Pollice sollicitat._

An Answer was presently return’d him in the same Strain, and thus they went on warbling their Thoughts to one another for a considerable Time. Their Conversation began with an _Adagio_, which I cannot but say had a good deal of Harmony in it, but it soon slid into Discords which were very grating to the Ear. The Conference ended with an harmonious and delightful _Præsto_. Upon hearing this last our Men were exceedingly pleas’d, since it was a Token, as they told me, that the Price of their Cargo was agreed upon. I was afterward inform’d, that the slow Musick in the Beginning was only a Prelude to the Discourse, and was employ’d in mutual Compliments on both Sides: But that when we heard the Discords they were disputing about the Price of our Commodities, and that the _Præsto_ in the Conclusion signify’d that the Business was happily determin’d. Accordingly a little while after we unloaded the Ship. The Commodity for which there is the greatest Demand in this Country is Rosin, with which the Inhabitants rub their Bows, which are their Instruments of Speech. Such as are convicted of any great Crime in this Country, are generally sentenc’d by the Judge to be depriv’d of their Bows; and a perpetual Privation of the Bow is equal to capital Punishment amongst us. As I understood there was to be a final Hearing of a Law-Suit in a neighbouring Court of Justice, while I staid there, my Curiosity prompted me to hear some of their musical Law-Proceedings. The Council, instead of making a Speech, mov’d their Bows, and play’d each of them a Kind of Tune. So long as the Pleadings lasted, I could distinguish nothing but dissonant and jarring Sounds; for all the Eloquence of the Bar consists in the Loudness of their Notes, and the quick Motion of their Hands. After the Hearing was over, the Judge rising slowly from the Bench, and taking up his Bow, gave the Court an _Adagio_, which is the same Thing as pronouncing Sentence. For as soon as he had made an End, the Executioners advanc’d directly to the Criminal, to take away his Bow. The Boys in this Country resemble that Kind of Instrument, which in our Parts of the World we call a _Kitt_. They are never suffer’d to handle a Bow till they are three Years old. Upon their Entrance into their fourth Year they are sent to School to learn their Gamut, from Masters appointed for that Purpose, as Children in _Europe_ are, to learn their Alphabet. They are kept under the Discipline of the Ferula till they are able to play thoroughly in Tune, and to give their Instruments a clear and distinct Expression. We were very much molested by these Boys during our Stay there, as they were perpetually teazing us with their scraping. Our Interpreter, who had a very good Hand himself, and perfectly understood the Language, told us, that the only Meaning of this Musick was to beg a little Rosin of us. They begg’d in a whining Tone of the _Adagio_ Kind, but as soon as ever they had got what they wanted, they run into the _Allegro_, or Jig-Time, which was their Method of returning Thanks. However, a Repulse would at any Time spoil all their Musick.

Having dispatch’d our Affairs to our Satisfaction, we left this Place about the Month _Cusan_, and after a Voyage of a few Days came in Sight of another Coast. Our Crew guess’d it to be _Pyglossia_, from the fœtid Smell which came from thence. The Inhabitants of this Country are not unlike human Creatures, except in one Particular, which is the Want of Mouths. This lays them under a Necessity of speaking a _posteriori_, if I may be allow’d the Phrase. The first Person who came aboard our Ship was a wealthy Merchant. He very civilly saluted us from behind, according to the Custom of the Country, and then began to talk with us about the Price of our Goods. The Barber belonging to our Ship, to my great Misfortune, was at that Time sick; for which Reason I was oblig’d to make use of a _Pyglossian_ Barber. The People of this Profession are more talkative, if possible, in this Country, than they are in _Europe_; so that whilst he was shaving me, he left such a horrid Stench behind him in the Cabin, that we were oblig’d to burn great Quantities of Incense to sweeten it again after his Departure. I was so accustom’d to see strange Things, and such as were contrary to the usual Course of Nature, that nothing now appear’d surprizing to me. As the Conversation of the _Pyglossians_ was disagreeable and offensive, by reason of this natural Imperfection, we were willing to get away from thence as soon as possible, and therefore weigh’d Anchor before the Time we had appointed. We hasten’d our Departure the more on Account of our being invited to Supper by one of the principal Inhabitants. We all shrugg’d up our Shoulders at this Invitation, and nobody would accept of it, but upon Condition that a general Silence should be observ’d all Supper-Time. As we were going out of the Harbour, the _Pyglossians_ crouded to the Shore to wish us a good Voyage; but as the Wind blew directly from the Land, we made all the Signs we could, by nodding our Heads, and waving our Hands, to let them know we would excuse their Compliments. I could not help reflecting, upon this Occasion, how very troublesome a Man may prove by striving to be over-complaisant. The chief Trade of the _Martinians_ to this Country, consists in Rose-Water, and divers Kinds of Spices and Perfumes. We steer’d our Course from hence to _Iceland_, a Country the most horrid, desert, and inhospitable, that ever my Eyes beheld. Hardly any Thing is to be seen, but Mountains continually cover’d over with Snow. The Inhabitants, who are all made of Ice, are dispers’d here and there amongst the Tops of the Hills, in Places where the Sun never comes. For all between the Summits of the Mountains, to speak poetically, is bound up in eternal Frost. On this Account likewise it is perpetually dark here, or if there is any Light, it is only what proceeds from the Glittering of the Hoar-Frost. But the Valleys which lie between these Hills of Snow are (full as miraculously) scorch’d with Heat, and burnt up by the fiery Vapours with which the Atmosphere abounds. For this Reason the Inhabitants never dare venture down into the Valleys, unless it be in hazy Weather, or when the Sky is overcast. And as soon as ever they perceive the least Glimmering of the Sun’s Rays, they either get back into the Mountains, or plunge directly into some Cavern. It often happens, that whilst the Inhabitants are upon the Road into these Valleys, they are either melted, or come to some other Misfortune. The extraordinary Heat in these Places furnishes them with a ready Means of punishing notorious Criminals. The Executioners take the Opportunity of the first cloudy Day to carry such Criminals down into the Plain, where they tie them to a Stake, and there leave them expos’d to the burning Rays of the Sun, which soon dissolves and melts them. The Country produces all Kinds of Minerals, except Gold. These are bought up by foreign Merchants, in the crude State in which they are digg’d out of the Earth. For the Natives being unable to bear the Fire, know nothing of the Art of smelting or working up of Metals. ’Tis thought that the _Iceland_ Trade is the most beneficial of any that is carry’d on in these Parts.

All these Countries, which I have been hitherto describing, are subject to the great Emperor of _Mezendoria_, properly so call’d; for which Reason these, as well as others which have not been mention’d, are by Travellers call’d by the general Name of the _Mezendores_, or _Mezendorian_ Islands, tho’ they are distinguish’d from one another by peculiar Names, as has been shewn in this Itinerary. That Empire, which is no less spacious than it is extraordinary, was the End, and as it were the Center of our Voyage. Eight Days after we left _Iceland_, we arriv’d at the Imperial City. Whatever the Poets have said about Societies of Animals, or Trees, we here found to be real. For _Mezendoria_ is a Country which is actually possess’d in common by Animals and Trees, who are alike endued with Reason. Any Kind of Animal or Tree whatsoever is allow’d to enjoy the Privileges of this City, provided he is obedient to the Laws, and to the establish’d Government. One would be apt to think, that a Mixture of so many Creatures of different Forms and opposite Natures should necessarily create Disorder and Confusion. But by Virtue of prudent Laws and Constitutions, this Contrariety is made to produce happy Effects. For by Means thereof, a different Office or Employment, and such as is suited to his different Genius, Temper, and Abilities, is prudently assign’d to each of these miscellaneous Subjects. Lions, because of their innate Magnanimity, are here made Generals of Armies; Elephants, by reason of their natural Sagacity, and the Soundness of their Judgments, are appointed Members of the Supreme Council of the Nation. All Offices at Court are fill’d up by Cameleons, which Animals being by Nature subject to Change, can the more readily accommodate themselves to Times and Circumstances. The Land-Forces are made up of Bears and Tygers, and such warlike Animals. Bulls and Oxen are admitted into the SeaService; for these being simple and well-meaning Creatures, and at the same Time hardy and obstinate, and not overburden’d with good Breeding, are therefore esteem’d the properest Inhabitants for that boisterous Element. They have likewise a Seminary of Calves, which are instructed in the Art of Navigation, and train’d up for the Service of the Fleet; these are call’d Sea-Calves, and are promoted by Degrees to the Dignity of Captains and Admirals. Trees, by reason of their Uprightness, are created Judges. Geese are Advocates in the Supreme Courts of Justice, and Magpyes have the Management of Causes in the inferior Courts. Foxes are made Plenipotentiaries, Envoys, Consuls, Agents and Secretaries to Embassies. Rooks are generally appointed Administrators to the Goods and Chattels of such as die intestate. Goats are Philosophers, especially Grammarians, as well out of Regard to their Horns, with which they are us’d to push their Adversaries upon the slightest Provocation, as on Account of their venerable Beards, in which Respect, they surpass all other Animals. Horses are Civil Magistrates; and Vipers, Moles, and Dormice, Farmers and Husbandmen. Birds are employ’d as Couriers and Post-Boys. Asses, on Account of the Loudness of their Voices, are made Deacons; and Nightingales execute the Office of Singing-Men and Choiristers. Cocks are the Watchmen in great Towns, and Dogs are Porters at the Gates. Wolves are the superior Officers in the Treasury and Custom-House, and Hawks and Vultures are their Deputies.

By Means of these excellent Institutions all publick Offices are duly and faithfully executed, and every Thing transacted in the most orderly Manner. This Empire, therefore, ought to be a Pattern for all Legislators to copy after in the Establishment of new Forms of Government. For that so many worthless Wretches get into Employments is not owing to any Want of Persons of Abilities to fill them up, but solely to an improper Choice. But if this Matter was taken Care of as it ought to be, and wise and able Men promoted not on Account of their general Merits, but of their Fitness to that particular Post, we should see publick Offices far better manag’d than they now are, and Governments in a more flourishing Condition. What a salutary Institution this is which we have been speaking of, is evident from the Example of this Empire. We find in the Annals of _Mezendoria_, that about three hundred Years ago this Law was repeal’d by the Emperor _Lilak_, and that publick Employments were conferr’d upon all Sorts of People indifferently, provided they had Merit of any Kind, or had signaliz’d themselves by any extraordinary Action. But this promiscuous Distribution of Places of Trust occasion’d so many and such great Disorders, that the Government seem’d upon the Point of being overturn’d thereby. Thus, for Example, a Wolf having acquitted himself with Reputation in the Management of the publick Revenues, lays Claim, on that Account, to a superior Dignity, and becomes a Senator; on the other Hand a Tree, having signaliz’d himself by the Integrity of his Decisions, was rewarded by an Employment in the Treasury. By this preposterous Promotion, two able Men at once were rendered absolutely useless to the Publick. A Goat, or a Philosopher, who was extoll’d to the Skies by the Scholasticks, for his Keenness and Obstinacy in defending an Argument, desiring to advance himself, requested the first Place that should happen to be vacant at Court, and obtain’d it; whilst a Cameleon, noted for his Good-Breeding and his Compliance with the Times, obtain’d by these Qualities a Professor’s Chair in the University, which he sollicited for the Sake of the Salary. The Effect of this was, that the former from an able Philosopher became an absurd Courtier; and the latter from an excellent Courtier, was transform’d into a most empty Philosopher. For that Perseverance in maintaining his Opinions, which does a Man Credit as a Philosopher, is an Imperfection in the other Character, since Fickleness and Inconstancy are cardinal Virtues at Court, and he that would rise there must regard not so much what is true, as what is safe, and must assume a different Aspect just as the Face of Affairs happens to change. What is there a Vice, is a Virtue in the Schools; where Positiveness, and a determin’d Resolution to adhere, at all Events, to the Point you have undertaken to defend, is a Token of a very great Man. In short, the Subjects in general, even such as were remarkable for very extraordinary Abilities, were by this Alteration in the Constitution render’d useless to their Country, and the Republick of course began to totter. In this State of Affairs, when every Thing was running to Ruin, an Elephant of great Prudence, named _Baccari_, at that Time a Senator, laid this Grievance before the Emperor in very pathetick Terms. That Prince, being convinc’d of the Truth of what was told him, determin’d to put an immediate Stop to the growing Evil. The Manner in which a Reformation was brought about was this. Such as were in Employment were not immediately turn’d out, for by that Means the Remedy would have been worse than the Disease; but as fast as Offices became vacant, such as already were in Employments, for which they were unfit, were remov’d to others better adapted to their Capacities. The good Effects of this Change soon became visible; and _Baccari_, for the great Service he had done his Country, had a Statue erected for him, which is to be seen in the great Square in _Mezendoria_ at this Day. Ever since that Time the ancient Laws have been religiously observ’d. Our Interpreter affirm’d, that he had this Relation from a certain Goose, with whom he was very intimate, and who was reckon’d one of the most eminent Lawyers in the whole City.