Chapter I: Front Matter

A SATIRE ANTHOLOGY

“_SATIRE should, like a polished razor keen,
Wound with a touch that’s scarcely felt or seen._”
--_LADY MARY WORTLEY MONTAGU._

A Satire Anthology

Collected by
Carolyn Wells

New York
Charles Scribner’s Sons

1905

COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY
CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS

Published, October, 1905

TO
MINNIE HARPER PILLING

NOTE

ACKNOWLEDGMENT is hereby gratefully made to the publishers of the various poems included in this compilation.

Those by Oliver Wendell Holmes, James Russell Lowell, John G. Saxe, Edward Rowland Sill, John Hay, Bayard Taylor and Edith Thomas are published by permission of Messrs. Houghton, Mifflin & Co.

The poems by Anthony Deane and Owen Seaman are used by arrangement with John Lane.

Through the courtesy of Small, Maynard & Co., are included poems by Bliss Carman, Charlotte Perkins Stetson-Gilman, Stephen Crane, and Frederic Ridgely Torrence.

Poems by Sam Walter Foss are published by permission of Lothrop, Lee & Shepherd Co.

The Century Co. are the publishers of poems by Richard Watson Gilder and Mary Mapes Dodge.

Frederich A. Stokes Company give permission for poems by Gelett Burgess and Stephen Crane.

“The Buntling Ball,” by Edgar Fawcett is published by permission of Funk and Wagnalls Company; “Hoch der Kaiser” by Rodney Blake, by the courtesy of the New Amsterdam Book Co. The poems by James Jeffrey Roche by permission of E. H. Bacon & Co.; and “The Font in the Forest” by Herman Knickerbocker Vielé, by permission of Brentano’s.

“The Evolution of a Name,” by Charles Battell Loomis, is quoted from “Just Rhymes,” Copyright, 1899, by R. H. Russell.

“He and She,” by Eugene Fitch Ware, is published by permission of G. P. Putnam’s Sons.

CONTENTS

PAGE
Chorus of Women _Aristophanes_ 3
A Would-Be Literary Bore _Horace_ 4
The Wish for Length of Life _Juvenal_ 6
The Ass’s Legacy _Ruteboeuf_ 7
A Ballade of Old-Time Ladies
(Translated by John Payne). _François Villon_ 11
A Carman’s Account of a Lawsuit _Sir David Lyndsay_ 12
The Soul’s Errand _Sir Walter Raleigh_ 13
Of a Certain Man _Sir John Harrington_ 16
A Precise Tailor _Sir John Harrington_ 16
The Will _John Donne_ 18
From “King Henry IV” _William Shakespeare_ 20
From “Love’s Labour’s Lost” _William Shakespeare_ 21
From “As You Like It” _William Shakespeare_ 22
Horace Concocting An Ode _Thomas Dekker_ 23
On Don Surly _Ben Jonson_ 24
The Scholar and His Dog _John Marston_ 25
The Manly Heart _George Wither_ 26
The Constant Lover _Sir John Suckling_ 27
The Remonstrance _Sir John Suckling_ 28
Saintship versus Conscience _Samuel Butler_ 29
Description of Holland _Samuel Butler_ 30
The Religion of Hudibras _Samuel Butler_ 31
Satire on the Scots _John Cleiveland_ 32
Song _Richard Lovelace_ 34
The Character of Holland _Andrew Marvell_ 35
The Duke of Buckingham _John Dryden_ 37
On Shadwell _John Dryden_ 38
Satire on Edward Howard _Charles Sackville, Earl
of Dorset_ 39
St. Anthony’s Sermon to the
Fishes _Abraham á Sancta Clara_ 39
Introduction to the True-Born
Englishman _Daniel Defoe_ 41
An Epitaph _Matthew Prior_ 43
The Remedy Worse than the Disease _Matthew Prior_ 45
Twelve Articles _Jonathan Swift_ 46
The Furniture of a Woman’s Mind _Jonathan Swift_ 48
From “The Love of Fame” _Edward Young_ 50
Dr. Delany’s Villa _Thomas Sheridan_ 52
The Quidnunckis _John Gay_ 54
The Sick Man and the Angel _John Gay_ 55
Sandys’ Ghost _Alexander Pope_ 57
From “The Epistle to Dr.
Arbuthnot” _Alexander Pope_ 60
The Three Black Crows _John Byrom_ 63
An Epitaph _George John Cayley_ 64
An Epistle to Sir Robert Walpole _Henry Fielding_ 65
The Public Breakfast _Christopher Anstey_ 67
An Elegy on the Death of a Mad
Dog _Oliver Goldsmith_ 72
On Smollett _Charles Churchill_ 73
The Uncertain Man _William Cowper_ 74
A Faithful Picture of Ordinary
Society _William Cowper_ 74
On Johnson _John Wolcott_
(_Peter Pindar_) 75
To Boswell _John Wolcott_
(_Peter Pindar_) 76
The Hen _Matt. Claudius_ 77
Let Us All be Unhappy Together _Charles Dibdin_ 78
The Friar of Orders Gray _John O’Keefe_ 79
The Country Squire _Tomas Yriarte_ 80
The Eggs _Tomas Yriarte_ 82
The Literary Lady _Richard Brinsley Sheridan_ 84
Sly Lawyers _George Crabbe_ 85
Reporters _George Crabbe_ 85
Address to the Unco Guid, or
the Rigidly Righteous _Robert Burns_ 86
Holy Willie’s Prayer _Robert Burns_ 88
Kitty of Coleraine _Edward Lysaght_ 91
The Friend of Humanity and
the Knife-Grinder _George Canning_ 92
Nora’s Vow _Sir Walter Scott_ 94
Job _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 95
Cologne _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96
Giles’s Hope _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96
The Battle of Blenheim _Robert Southey_ 97
The Well of St. Keyne _Robert Southey_ 99
The Poet of Fashion _James Smith_ 101
Christmas Out of Town _James Smith_ 103
Eternal London _Thomas Moore_ 105
The Modern Puffing System _Thomas Moore_ 106
Lying _Thomas Moore_ 108
The King of Yvetot (Version
of W. M. Thackeray) _Pierre Jean de Béranger_ 109
Sympathy _Reginald Heber_ 111
A Modest Wit _Selleck Osborn_ 112
The Philosopher’s Scales _Jane Taylor_ 114
From “The Feast of the Poets” _James Henry Leigh Hunt_ 116
Rich and Poor; or, Saint and
Sinner _Thomas L. Peacock_ 117
Mr. Barney Maguire’s Account
of the Coronation _Richard Harris Barham_ 119
From “The Devil’s Drive” _Lord Byron_ 123
From “English Bards and Scotch
Reviewers” _Lord Byron_ 125
To Woman _Lord Byron_ 126
A Country House Party _Lord Byron_ 127
Greediness Punished _Friedrich Rückert_ 130
Woman _Fitz-Greene Halleck_ 132
The Rich and the Poor Man
(From the Russian of
Kremnitzer) _Sir John Bowring_ 132
Ozymandias _Percy Bysshe Shelley_ 134
Cui Bono _Thomas Carlyle_ 135
Father-Land and Mother Tongue _Samuel Lover_ 135
Father Molloy _Samuel Lover_ 136
Gaffer Gray (From “Hugh Trevor”) _Thomas Holcroft_ 139
Cockle v. Cackle _Thomas Hood_ 140
Our Village _Thomas Hood_ 145
The Devil at Home (From “The
Devil’s Progress”) _Thomas Kibble Hervey_ 149
How to Make a Novel _Lord Charles Neaves_ 150
Two Characters _Henry Taylor_ 151
The Sailor’s Consolation _William Pitt_ 152
Verses on seeing the Speake
asleep in his Chair
during One of the
Debates of the First
Reformed Parliament _Winthrop M. Praed_ 154
Pelters of Pyramids _Richard Hengist Horne_ 155
The Annuity _George Outram_ 156
Malbrouck _Translated by Father Prout_ 161
A Man’s Requirements _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 163
Critics _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 164
The Miser _Edward Fitzgerald_ 166
Cacoëthes Scribendi _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 166
A Familiar Letter to Several
Correspondents _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 167
Contentment _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 171
How to Make a Man of Consequence _Mark Lemon_ 173
The Widow Malone _Charles Lever_ 173
The Pauper’s Drive _T. Noel_ 175
On Lytton _Alfred Tennyson_ 177
Sorrows of Werther _William Makepeace 178
Mr. Molony’s Account of the Thackeray_
Ball Given to the
Nepaulese Ambassador by
the Peninsular and
Oriental Company _William Makepeace
Thackeray_ 179
Damages, Two Hundred Pounds _William Makepeace
Thackeray_ 182
The Lost Leader _Robert Browning_ 186
The Pope and the Net _Robert Browning_ 188
Soliloquy of the Spanish
Cloister _Robert Browning_ 190
Cynical Ode to an Ultra-Cynical
Public _Charles Mackay_ 192
The Great Critics _Charles Mackay_ 193
The Laureate _William E. Aytoun_ 194
Woman’s Will _John Godfrey Saxe_ 196
The Mourner á la Mode _John Godfrey Saxe_ 197
There is no God _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 199
The Latest Decalogue _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 200
From “A Fable for Critics” _James Russell Lowell_ 201
The Pious Editor’s Creed _James Russell Lowell_ 206
Revelry in India _Bartholomew Dowling_ 210
A Fragment _Grace Greenwood_ 212
Nothing to Wear _William Allen Butler_ 213
A Review (The Inn Album, By
Robert Browning) _Bayard Taylor_ 221
The Positivists _Mortimer Collins_ 224
Sky-Making _Mortimer Collins_ 226
My Lord Tomnoddy _Robert Barnabas Brough_ 227
Hiding the Skeleton _George Meredith_ 229
Midges _Robert Bulwer Lytton_ 230
The Schoolmaster Abroad with
his Son _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 233
Of Propriety _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 235
Peace. A Study _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 236
All Saints _Edmund Yates_ 237
Fame’s Penny Trumpet _Lewis Carroll_ 238
The Diamond Wedding _Edmund Clarence Stedman_ 240
True to Poll _Frank C. Burnand_ 247
Sleep On _W. S. Gilbert_ 249
To the Terrestrial Globe, By
a Miserable Wretch _W. S. Gilbert_ 250
The Ape and the Lady _W. S. Gilbert_ 250
Anglicised Utopia _W. S. Gilbert_ 252
Etiquette _W. S. Gilbert_ 254
The Æsthete _W. S. Gilbert_ 260
Too Late _Fitz-Hugh Ludlow_ 261
Life in Laconics _Mary Mapes Dodge_ 263
Distiches _John Hay_ 264
The Poet and the Critics _Austin Dobson_ 265
The Love Letter _Austin Dobson_ 267
Fame _James Herbert Morse_ 269
Five Lives _Edward Rowland Sill_ 270
He and She _Eugene Fitch Ware_ 272
What Will We Do? _Robert J. Burdette_ 272
The Tool _Richard Watson Gilder_ 273
Give Me a Theme _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274
The Poem, To the Critic _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274
Ballade of Literary Fame _A. Lang_ 274
Chorus of Anglomaniacs (From
The Buntling Ball) _Edgar Fawcett_ 275
The Net of Law _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277
A Boston Lullaby _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277
The V-A-S-E _James Jeffrey Roche_ 278
Thursday _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 280
A Bird in the Hand _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 281
An Advanced Thinker _Brander Matthews_ 282
A Thought _J. K. Stephen_ 283
A Sonnet _J. K. Stephen_ 284
They Said _Edith M. Thomas_ 284
To R. K. _J. K. Stephen_ 286
To Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra _R. K. Munkittrick_ 287
What’s in a Name _R. K. Munkittrick_ 288
Wed _H. C. Bunner_ 289
Atlantic City _H. C. Bunner_ 290
The Font in the Forest _Herman Knickerbocker Vielé_ 294
The Origin of Sin _Samuel Walter Foss_ 294
A Philosopher _Samuel Walter Foss_ 295
The Fate of Pious Dan _Samuel Walter Foss_ 298
The Meeting of the Clabberhuses _Samuel Walter Foss_ 300
Wedded Bliss _Charlotte Perkins
(Stetson) Gilman_ 303
A Conservative _Charlotte Perkins
(Stetson) Gilman_ 304
Same Old Story _Harry B. Smith_ 306
Hem and Haw _Bliss Carman_ 307
The Sceptics _Bliss Carman_ 308
The Evolution of a “Name” _Charles Battell Loomis_ 310
“The Hurt that Honour Feels” _Owen Seaman_ 310
John Jenkins _Anthony C. Deane_ 313
A Certain Cure _Anthony C. Deane_ 316
The Beauties of Nature
(A Fragment from an
Unpublished Epic) _Anthony C. Deane_ 317
Paradise. A Hindoo Legend _George Birdseye_ 319
Hoch! der Kaiser _Rodney Blake_ 320
On a Magazine Sonnet _Russell Hilliard Loines_ 321
Earth _Oliver Herford_ 321
A Butterfly of Fashion _Oliver Herford_ 322
General Summary _Rudyard Kipling_ 324
The Conundrum of the Workshops _Rudyard Kipling_ 326
Extracts from the Rubaiyat of
Omar Cayenne _Gelett Burgess_ 328
Ballade of Expansion _Hilda Johnson_ 331
Friday Afternoon at the Boston
Symphony Hall _Faulkner Armytage_ 332
War is Kind _Stephen Crane_ 336
Lines _Stephen Crane_ 337
From “The House of a Hundred
Lights” _Frederic Ridgely Torrence_ 340
The British Visitor _From The Troliopiad_ 343
A Match _Punch_ 343
Wanted a Governess _Anonymous_ 346
Lines by an Old Fogy _Anonymous_ 348

INTRODUCTION