Chapter VIII: Part 8

_Hic extendens Dominus manum, labia Johannis digito tanget, ac ori imponet auream linguam_.

Go now thy way forth, I shall thee never fail, The spirit of Elias have I given thee already. Persuade the people, that they their sins bewail, And if they repent their customable folly, Long shall it not be, ere they have remedy. Open thou their hearts, tell them their health is coming: As a voice in desert, see thou declare the thing, I promise thee sure, thou shalt wash him among them In Jordan, a flood not far from Jerusalem.

JOHANNES BAPTISTA. Show me yet, good Lord, whereby shall I know that man, In the multitude which will resort to Jordan.

PATER COELESTIS. In thy mother's womb of him hadst thou cognition.

JOHANNES BAPTISTA. Yea, that was in spirit, I would now know his person.

PATER COELESTIS. Have thou no fear, John, him shalt thou know full well, And one special token afore will I thee tell. _Super quem videris spiritum descendentem et manentem Super eum, hic est qui baptizat spiritu sancto_. Among all other whom thou shalt baptize there, Upon whom thou seest the Holy Ghost descend In shape of a dove, resting upon his shoulder, Hold him for the same that shall the world amend By baptism of spirit, and also to man extend Most special grace. For he must repair his fall, Restoring again the justice original. Take now thy journey, and do as I thee advise. First preach repentance, and then the people baptize.

JOHANNES BAPTISTA. High honour, worship, and glory be unto thee, My God eternal, and patron of all purity: Repent, good people, for sins that now are past, The kingdom of heaven is at hand very nigh. The promised light to you approacheth fast, Have faith, and apply now to receive him boldly. I am not the light, but to bear testimony Of him am sent, that all men may believe, That his blood he will for their redemption give. He is such a light as all men doth illumine, That ever were here, or shall be after this. All the world he made by his mighty power divine, And yet that rude world will not know what he is. His own he entering is not regarded of his. They that receive him are God's true children plain, In spirit regenerate, and all grace shall attain. Many do reckon that I, John Baptist, am he, Deceived are they, and that will appear in space. Though he come after, yet he was long afore me. We are weak vessels, he is the well of grace, Of his great goodness all that we have we purchase. By him are we like to have a better increase, Than ever we had by the law of Moses. In Moses' hard law we had not else but darkness, Figure and shadow. All was not else but night; Punishment for sin; much rigour, pain and roughness. An high change is there, where all is turned to light, Grace and remission anon will shine full bright. Never man lived that ever see God afore, Which now in our kind man's ruin will restore. Help me to give thanks to that Lord evermore, Which am unto Christ a crier's voice in the desert, To prepare the paths and highways him before, For his delight is on the poor simple heart. That innocent lamb from such will never depart, As will faithfully receive him with good mind. Let our voice then sound in some sweet musical kind.

_Resona tunc voce Antiphonam incipit_, O clavis David, _quam prosequetur chorus cum organis, ut prius_.

_Vel in Anglico sermone sic_:

O perfect key of David, and high sceptre of the kindred of Jacob, which openest, and no man spereth;[297] thou speakest, and no man openeth; come and deliver thy servant mankind, bound in prison, sitting in the darkness of sin and bitter damnation.

BALEUS _prolocutor_.

The matters are such that we have uttered here, As ought not to slide from your memorial. For they have opened such comfortable gear As is to the health of this kind universal, Graces of the Lord and promises liberal, Which he hath given to man for every age, To knit him to Christ, and so clear him of bondage. As St Paul doth write unto the Corinthians plain. Our forefathers were under the cloud of darkness, And unto Christ's days did in the shadow remain: Yet were they not left, for of him they had promise, All they received one spiritual feeding doubtless. They drank of the rock which them to life refreshed, For one saving health in Christ all they confessed. In the woman's seed was Adam first justified: So was faithful Noah; so was just Abraham, The faith in that seed in Moses forth multiplied, Likewise in David and Esay, that after came. And in John Baptist, which showed the very lamb. Though they see afar, yet all they had one justice, One Mass (as they call it) and in Christ one sacrifice. A man cannot here to God do better service Than on this to ground his faith and understanding. For all the world's sin alone Christ paid the price, In his only death was man's life always resting, And not in will-works, nor yet in man's deserving, The light of our faith makes this thing evident, And not the practice of other experiment. Where is now free-will, whom the hypocrites commend, Whereby they report they may at their own pleasure Do good of themselves, though grace and faith be absent, And have good intents their madness with to measure? The will of the flesh is proved here small treasure, And so is man's will, for the grace of God doth all. More of this matter conclude hereafter we shall.[298]

THE FOUR P.P.

_EDITIONS_.

_See_ Hazlitt's "_Handbook_," 1867, p.269.

PREFACE.

John Heywood, or Heewood, one of the most ancient dramatic writers in the English language, was born in the city of London,[299] and educated in the University of Oxford, at [Broadgate, afterwards called Pembroke, College,] in St Aldgate's parish. He was in his time more celebrated for his wit than his learning; and having some fair possessions at North Mims, he resided there after he left Oxford, and became intimately acquainted with Sir Thomas More, who lived in that neighbourhood.[300] Here the latter wrote his celebrated work called "Utopia," and is supposed to have assisted Heywood[301] in the composition of his "Epigrams."[302] Through Sir Thomas More's means, it is probable our author was introduced to the knowledge of King Henry the Eighth, and of his daughter the Princess, afterwards Queen Mary; by the former of whom he was held in much esteem for the mirth and quickness of his conceits; and so much[303] valued by the latter, that he was often, after she came to the throne, admitted to the honour of waiting upon and exercising his fancy before her, even to the time she lay lauguishing on her deathbed. His education having been in the Roman Catholic faith, he continued steadily attached to the tenets of that religion; and during the reign[304] of Edward the Sixth, fell under the suspicion of practising against the government, and narrowly escaped the halter. After the death of his patroness the queen, he left the nation, says Wood,[305] for religion's sake, and settled at Mechlin in Brabrant, where he [appears to have been still living in January 1576-7. The exact date of his death is uncertain, but] he died,[306] leaving several children; one of whom, Jasper Heywood, translated three of Seneca's Plays, and wrote several poems, printed in the "Paradise of Dainty Devises," 4to, 1576. This Jasper Heywood was, according to Fuller, executed in the reign of Queen Elizabeth; but more probably, as Sir Richard Baker asserts, was among those who were taken in 1585, and sent out of England.[307]

John Heywood[308] was one of our earliest [writers of a dramatic cast. He can hardly be called a dramatist.] Oldys[309] says he began to write about the year 1530, but that he could not find he published anything so early. [His first production in point of date may have been the play of the "Pardoner and the Frere," printed April, 1533; but two other interludes by him appeared the same year without note of the month. They were perhaps all written a little before.[310]

Mr Collier remarks of Heywood's "Spider and Fly:"] "This parable, apologue, or allegory (for it is one and all three), is not perhaps so 'dull, tedious, and trifling,' as Warton contends; and if it be without much 'fancy,' it has both meaning and moral. In 'the conclusion,' Heywood informs us that he began the work twenty years before it was finished, and that he did nothing to it during an interval of nineteen years. He adds, that it was commenced 'with the first, and ended with the last,' of his poor works. The maid who sweeps down the spider he explains to mean Queen Mary, in 'sense allegorical' also."

Wilson, in his "Rhetorique," published in 1553, speaks of Heywood's "Proverbs" as then in print.[311] They were also republished in 1561; and the title-page professes that the work has been "newly overseen, and somewhat corrected, by the sayde John Heywood." The only copy I have met with is imperfect at the end, and the title-page does not state who was the printer of it. "John Heywoodes Woorkes" were printed collectively in 156[2]; they consist of proverbs and epigrams.

Winstanley expressed a doubt whether the author of the epigrams and of the plays were not different persons. The following epigram will be sufficient to set that fact beyond contradiction, and at the same time exhibit a specimen of the author's manner:--

"Art thou _Heywood_ with the mad mery wit?
Ye, forsooth, master, that same is euen hit.
Art thou _Heywood_ that applyeth mirth more then thrift?
Ye, sir, I take mery mirth a golden gift.
Art thou _Heywood_ that hath made many mad plaies?
Ye, many playes, fewe good woorkes in all my daies.
Art thou _Heywood_ that hath made men mery long?
Ye, and will, if I be made mery among.
Art thou _Heywood_ that woulde be made mery now?
Ye, sir, helpe me to it now, I beseche yow."

Winstanley and Philips ascribe to him falsely the "Pinner of Wakefield" and "Philotus," [the latter] printed at Edinburgh, 1603.

Fuller[312] mentions a book written by our author, entitled "Monumenta literaria," which are said to be _Non tam lambore condita, quam lepore condita_. [But this was not by John Heywood. It is apparently _Thomas_ Heywood's account of the "English Poets" referred to by more than one of his contemporaries.

The curious old relic here reprinted went through three _known_ editions,[313] of which the earliest may be assigned to 1540 or thereabouts, the latest bearing date 1569. The colophon of the former will be found at the end.]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

A PALMER. A PARDONER. AN APOTHECARY. A PEDLAR.

THE FOUR P.P.[314]

PALMER.[315] Now God be here; who keepeth this place? Now by my faith I cry you mercy; Of reason I must sue for grace, My rudeness showeth me[316] so homely. Whereof your pardon axed and won, I sue you[317], as courtesy doth me bind, To tell this, which shall be begun, In order as may come best in mind. I am a Palmer, as ye[318] see, Which of my life much part have[319] spent In many a fair and far[320] country. As Pilgrims do of good intent. At Jerusalem[321] have I been Before Christ's blessed sepulchre: The mount of Calvary have I seen[322], A holy place, you may be sure. To Jehosaphat and Olivet[323] On foot, God wot, I went right bare: Many a salt tear did I sweat, Before thy carcase could [324] come there. Yet have I been at Rome also, And gone the stations [325] all a-row: St Peter's shrine and many mo, Than, if I told all, ye do know. Except that there be any such, That hath been there, and diligently Hath taken heed, and marked much, Then can they speak as much as I. Then at the Rhodes[326] also I was; And round about to Amias.[327] At St Uncumber and St Trunnion;[328] At St Botoph[329] and St Anne of Buxton.[330] On the hills of Armenia, where I saw[331] Noe's ark;[332] With holy Job, and St George in Southwark;[333] At Waltham[334] and at Walsingham;[335] And at the good rood[336] of Dagenham[337]; At Saint Cornelys[338]; at Saint James in Gales[339]; And at Saint Wenefrid's well[340] in Wales; At our Lady of Boston;[341] at Saint Edmund's burgh;[342] And straight to Saint Patrick's Purgatory[343]; At Redburne,[344] and at the blood of Hales,[345] Where pilgrims' pains right much avails; At Saint David's,[346] and at Saint Denis;[347] At Saint Matthew, and Saint Mark in Venice;[348] At Master John Shorn at Canterbury;[349] The great God of Catwade,[350] at King Henry[351] At Saint Saviour's;[352] at our lady of Southwell;[353] At Crome,[354] at Willesden,[355] and at Muswell;[356] At Saint Richard,[357] and at Saint Rock;[358] And at Our Lady that standeth in the oak.[359] To these, with other many one, Devoutly have I prayed and gone, Praying to them to pray for me Unto the blessed Trinity, By whose prayers and my daily pain I trust the sooner to obtain[360] For my salvation, grace, and mercy. For be ye sure I think surely,[361] Who seeketh saints for Christ's sake, And namely such as pain do take On foot, to punish their[362] frail body, Shall thereby merit more highly Than by anything done by man.

PARDONER.[363] And when ye have gone as far as ye[364] can, For all your labour and ghostly intent, Ye[365] will come home as wise as ye went.

PALMER. Why, sir, despised ye pilgrimage?

PARDONER. Nay,[366] fore God, sir, then did I rage; I think ye right well occupied, To seek these saints on every side. Also your pain[367] I not dispraise it; But yet I discommend your wit: And ere[368] we go, even so shall ye, If you in this will answer me. I pray you show what the cause is, Ye went all these pilgrimages?

PALMER. Forsooth, this life I did begin To rid the bondage of my sin: For which these saints rehearsed ere this I have both sought and seen, i-wis; Beseeching them to bear record Of all my pain unto the Lord, That giveth all remission, Upon each man's contrition; And by their good mediation, Upon mine[369] humble submission, I trust to have in very deed For my soul health the better speed.

PARDONER. Now is your own confession likely To make yourself[370] a fool quickly. For I perceive ye would obtain No other[371] thing for all your pain, But only grace your soul to save: Now mark in this what wit ye have! To seek so far, and help so nigh; Even here at home is remedy; For at your door myself doth dwell, Who could have saved your soul as well; As all your wide wandering shall do, Though ye went thrice to Jericho. Now since ye might have sped at home, What have ye won by running[372] at Rome?

PALMER. If this be true that ye have moved, Then is my wit indeed reproved. But let us hear first what ye are?

PARDONER. Truly I am a pardoner.

PALMER. Truly a pardoner! that may be true; But a true pardoner doth not ensue. Right seldom is it seen, or never, That truth and pardoners dwell together, For be your pardons never so great, Yet them to enlarge ye will not let With such lies that ofttimes, Christ wot, Ye seem to have that ye have not. Wherefore I went myself to the self thing In every place and without saying: Had as much pardon there assuredly, As ye can promise me here doubtfully. Howbeit, I think ye do but scoff:[373] But if ye had all the pardon ye speak[374] of, And no whit of pardon granted In any place where I have haunted: Yet of my labour I nothing repent; God hath respect how each time is spent; And as in his knowledge all is regarded, So by his goodness all is rewarded.

PARDONER. By the[375] first part of this last tale, It seemeth ye came of late[376] from the ale. For reason on your side so far doth fail, That ye leave reasoning,[377] and begin to rail. Wherein you[378] forget your own part clearly, For you[379] be as untrue as I: And in one point ye are beyond me, For you[380] may lie by authority, And all that have[381] wandered so far, That no man can be their controller. And where you[382] esteem your labour so much, I say yet again my pardons are[383] such, That if there were a thousand souls on a heap, I would bring them to heaven as good cheap.[384] As ye have brought yourself on pilgrimage, In the least[385] quarter of your voyage, Which is[386] far a side heaven, by God: There your labour and pardon is odd. With small cost and without any pain, These pardons bring[387] them to heaven plain; Give me but a penny or two pence, And as soon as the soul departeth hence, In half-an-hour, or threequarters at the most, The soul is in heaven with the Holy Ghost.

'POTHECARY. Send ye any souls to heaven by water?

PARDONER. If we do,[388] sir, what is the matter?

'POTHECARY. By God, I have a dry soul should thither; I pray you let our souls go to heaven together, So busy you twain be in soul's health; May not a 'pothecary come in by stealth? Yes, that I will,[389] by St Anthony, And, by the leave of this company, Prove ye false knaves both, ere[390] we go, In part of your sayings, as this, lo! Thou by thy travail thinkest heaven to get: And thou by pardons and relics countest no let,[391] To send thine own soul to heaven sure; And all other whom thou list to procure. If I took an action, then were they blank; For like thieves the knaves[392] rob away my thank. All souls in heaven having relief, Shall they thank your crafts? nay, thank mine chief. No soul, ye know, entereth heaven-gate, Till from the body he be separate: And whom have ye known die honestly,[393] Without help of the 'pothecary? Nay, all that cometh to our handling, Except ye happen to come to hanging; That way perchance ye shall not mister[394] To go to heaven without a glister. But be ye sure I would be woe,[395] If[396] ye should chance to beguile me so. As good to lie with me a-night, As hang abroad in the moonlight. There is no choice to flee my hand, But, as I said, into the band. Since of our souls the multitude I send to heaven, when all is viewed, Who should but I then altogether Have thank of all their coming thither?

PARDONER. If ye killed a thousand in an hour's space, When come they to heaven dying out of grace?[397]

'POTHECARY. If a thousand pardons about your necks were tied, When come they to heaven, if they never died?

PALMER. Long life after good works indeed Doth hinder man's receipt of mead; And death before one duty done, May make us think we die too soon. Yet better tarry a thing than[398] have it; Than go too soon, and vainly crave it.

PARDONER. The longer ye dwell in communication, The less shall ye like this imagination. For ye[399] may perceive, even at the first chop, Your tale is trapped in such a stop. That at the least ye seem worse than we.

'POTHECARY. By the mass, I hold us nought all three.

[_Enter Pedlar_.

PEDLAR. By our lady, then have I gone wrong; And yet to be here I thought it long.

'POTHECARY. Ye have gone wrong no whit, I praise your fortune and your wit, That can direct you so discreetly To plant you in this company. Thou a Palmer, and thou a Pardoner, I a 'Pothecary.

PEDLAR. And I a Pedlar.

'POTHECARY. Now, on my faith, well watched; Where the devil were we four hatched?

PEDLAR. That maketh no matter, since we be matched, I could be merry if that I had catched Some money for part of the ware in my pack.

'POTHECARY. What the devil hast thou there at thy back?

PEDLAR. What! dost thou not know that every pedlar In all kind of trifles[400] must be a meddler? Specially in women's triflings; Those use we chiefly[401] above all things, Which things to see, if ye be disposed, Behold what ware here is disclosed! This gear showeth itself in such beauty, That each man thinketh[402] it saith, _Come, buy me!_ Look where yourself can like to be chooser, Yourself shall make price, though I be loser. Is here[403] nothing for my father Palmer? Have ye not a wanton in a corner, For all your walking to holy places? By Christ, I have heard of as strange cases. Who liveth in love, and love would win, Even at this pack he must begin. Wherein[404] is right many a proper token, Of which by name part shall be spoken: Gloves, pins, combs, glasses unspotted, Pomades, hooks, and laces knotted;[405] Brooches, rings, and all manner of beads; Laces,[406] round and flat, for women's heads; Needles, thread, thimble, shears, and all such knacks,[407] Where lovers be, no such things lacks: Sipers[408], swathbands,[409] ribbons, and sleeve laces, Girdles, knives, purses, and pincases.

'POTHECARY. Do women buy their pincases of you?

PEDLAR. Yea, that they do, I make God a vow.

'POTHECARY. So mot I thrive then for my part, I beshrew thy knave's naked heart, For making my wife's pincase so wide, The pins fall out, they cannot abide: Great pins she must have, one or other; If she lose one, she will find another. Wherein I find cause to complain: New pins to her pleasure and to my pain!

PARDONER. Sir, ye seem well-seen in women's causes! I pray you tell me what causeth this: That women, after their arising,[410] Be so long in their apparelling?

PEDLAR. Forsooth, women have many lets, And they be masked in many nets: As frontlets,[411] fillets, partlets,[412] and bracelets; And then their bonnets and their poignets:[413] By these lets and nets the let is such, That speed is small when haste is much.

'POTHECARY. Another cause why they come not forward, Which maketh them daily to draw backward; And yet[414] is a thing they cannot forbear; The trimming and pinning up their gear; Specially their fiddling with the tail-pin; And when they would have it pricked[415] in, If it chance to double in the cloth, Then be they[416] wood[417], and sweareth[418] an oath. Till it stand right they will not forsake it, Thus though it may not, yet would[419] they make it. But be ye sure they do but defer it; For when they would make it, oft times mar it. But prick them and pin them as nice[420] as ye will, And yet will they look for pinning still. So that I durst hold with you a joint, Ye shall never have them at a full[421] point.

PEDLAR. Let women's matters pass, and mark mine: Whatever their points be, these points be fine. Wherefore, if ye be willing to buy, Lay down money, come, off[422] quickly.

PALMER. Nay, by my troth, we be like friars; We are but beggars, we be no buyers.

PARDONER. Sir, ye may show your ware for your mind. But I think ye shall no profit find.

PEDLAR. Well, though this journey acquit no cost, Yet think I not my labour lost: For, by the faith of my body, I like full well this company. Up shall this pack, for it is plain I came not hither all for gain. Who may not play one day in a week, May think his thrift is far to seek. Devise what pastime that ye think best, And make ye sure to find me prest.[423]

'POTHECARY. Why, be ye so universal, That ye can do whatsoever ye shall?

PEDLAR. Sir, if ye list for to oppose me, What I can do, then shall you see.

'POTHECARY. Then tell me this: are you perfit in drinking?

PEDLAR. Perfit in drinking? as may be wished by thinking.

'POTHECARY. Then, after your drinking, how fall ye to winking?

PEDLAR. Sir, after drinking, while the shot[424] is tinking; Some heads be swimming,[425] but mine will be sinking, And upon drinking my eyes will be pinking: For winking to drinking is alway linking.

'POTHECARY. Then drink and sleep you can well do; But if ye were desired thereto, I pray you tell me, can you sing?

PEDLAR. Sir, I have some sight in singing.

'POTHECARY. But is your breast[426] any thing sweet?

PEDLAR. Whatever my breast be, my voice is meet.

'POTHECARY. That answer showeth you a right singing man. Now what is your will, good father, then?

PALMER. What helpeth will, where is no skill?

PARDONER. And what helpeth skill, where is no will[427]!

'POTHECARY. For will or skill, what helpeth it, Where forward knave be lacking wit[428]? Leave off this curiosity. And who that list, sing after me. [_Here they sing_.

PEDLAR. This liketh me well, so mot I the.

PARDONER. So help me God, it liketh not me. Where company is met and well agreed, Good pastime doth right well indeed. But who can sit in daliance, Men sit in such a variance? As we were set, ere[429] ye came in, Which strife this man did first begin; Alleging that such men as use For love of God, and not[430] refuse On foot to go from place to place A pilgrimage, calling for grace, Shall in that pain with penitence Obtain discharge of conscience: Comparing that life for the best Induction to your endless rest. Upon these words[431] our matter grew: For if he could avow them true, As good to be a gardener. As for to be a pardoner. But when I heard him so far wide, I then approached and replied: Saying this, that this[432] indulgence, Having the foresaid penitence, Dischargeth man of all offence With much more profit than this pretence. I ask but twopence at the most; I-wis this is not very great cost, And from[433] all pain without despair, My soul for to keep[434] even in his chair, And when he dieth, he may be sure To come to heaven even at pleasure. And more than heaven he cannot[435] get, How far soever he list to jet. Then is his pain more than his wit, To walk[436] to heaven, since he may sit. Sir, as we were in this contention, In came this daw with his invention; Reviling us, himself avaunting, That all the souls to heaven ascending Are most bound to the 'pothecary, Because he helpeth most men to die, Before which death he saith indeed, No soul in heaven can have his mede.

PEDLAR. Why, do 'pothecaries kill men?

'POTHECARY. By God, men say so, now and then.

PEDLAR. And I thought ye would not have mit To make them live as long as ye list.

'POTHECARY. As long as we list? nay, as long as they can.

PEDLAR. So might we live without you then.

'POTHECARY. Yea, but yet it is[437] necessary For to have a 'pothecary: For when ye feel your conscience ready, I can send you to heaven[438] quickly. Wherefore, concerning our matter here, Above these twain I am best clear; And if ye[439] list to take me so, I am content: you and no mo Shall be our judge as in this case, Which of us three shall take the best place.

PEDLAR. I neither will judge thee best nor worst; For be ye blest or be ye curst, Ye know it is no whit my sleight To be a judge in matters of weight. It behoveth no pedlars nor proctors To take on them judgment as doctors: But if your minds be only set To work for soul-health, ye be well met: For each of you somewhat doth show, That souls toward heaven by you do grow. Then if ye can so well agree, To continue together all three; And all you three obey one will, Then all your minds ye may fulfil. As if ye came all to one man, Who should go pilgrimage[440] more than he can? In that ye, Palmer, as deputy,[441] May clearly discharge him, parde; And for all other sins once had contrition, Your pardons giveth him full remission. And then ye, Master 'Pothecary, May send him to heaven by and by.

'POTHECARY. If he taste this box nigh about the prime, By the mass, he is in heaven ere evensong time. My craft is such, that I can right well Send my friends to heaven and myself to hell. But, sirs, mark this man, for he is wise, Who[442] could devise such a device: For if we three may be as one, Then be we[443] lords everychone; Between us all could not be mist To save the souls of whom we list. But for good order, at a word, Twain of us must wait on the third.

'POTHECARY. And unto that I do agree, For both you twain shall wait on me.[444]

PARDONER. What chance is this, that such an elf Command two knaves beside himself? Nay, nay, my friend, that will not be; I am too good to wait on thee.

PALMER. By our lady, and I would be loth To wait on the better of you both.

PEDLAR. Yet be ye sure for all this doubt, This waiting must be brought about. Men cannot prosper, wilfufly led; All things decay,[445] where is no head. Wherefore, doubtless, mark what I say, To one of you three twain must obey. And since ye cannot agree in voice, Who shall be head, there is no choice But to devise some manner thing, Wherein ye all be like conning; And in the same who can do best, The other twain do make them prest, In every thing of his intent, Wholly[446] to be at commandment. And now have I found one mastery,[447] That ye can do indifferently; And is nother selling nor buying, But even on very lying. And all ye three can lie as well, As can the falsest devil in hell. And though afore ye heard me grudge In greater matters to be your judge, Yet in lying I can some skill,[448] And if I shall be judge, I will And be you sure, without flattery, Where my conscience findeth the mastery, There shall my judgment straight be found, Though I might win a thousand pound.

PALMER. Sir, for lying, though I can do it: Yet am I both for to go to it.

PEDLAR. Ye have no[449] cause for fear, be bold,[450] For ye may here[451] lie uncontrolled. And ye in this have good advantage, For lying is your common usage. And you in lying be well sped, For all your craft doth stand in falsehood. Ye need not care who shall begin; For each of you may hope to win. Now speak all three even as ye find: Be ye agreed to follow my mind?

PALMER. Yea, by my troth, I am content.

PARDONER. Now, in good faith, and I assent.

'POTHECARY. If I denied, I were a noddy; For all is mine, by God's body, [_Here the 'Pothecary hoppeth_.

PALMER. Here were a hopper to hop for the ring! But, sir,[452] this gear goeth not by hopping.

'POTHECARY. Sir, in this hopping I will hop so well, That my tongue shall hop better[453] than my heel: Upon which hopping I hope, and not doubt it, To hop[454] so, that ye shall hop[455] without it.[456]

PALMER. Sir, I will neither boast ne brawl. But take such fortune as may fall: And if ye win this mastery, I will obey you quietly: And sure I think that quietness In any man is great riches In any manner company, To rule or be ruled[457] indifferently.

PARDONER. By that boast thou seemest a beggar indeed, What can thy quietness help us at need? If we should starve, thou hast not, I think, One penny to buy us one pot of drink. Nay, if riches might rule the roost, Behold what cause I have to boast! Lo, here be[458] pardons half a dozen, For ghostly riches they have no cousin. And moreover to me they bring Sufficient succour for my living. And here be[459] relics of such a kind, As in this world no man can[460] find, Kneel down all three, and when ye leave kissing, Who list to offer shall have my blessing. Friends, here shall ye see even anon Of All-Hallows the blessed jaw-bone,[461] Kiss it hardily with good devotion.

'POTHECARY. This kiss shall bring us much promotion. Foh, by St Saviour, I never kissed a worse; Ye were as good kiss All-Hallows' arse; For, by All-Hallows, yet me-thinketh, That All-Hallows' breath stinketh.

PALMER. Ye judge All-Hallows' breath unknown: If any breath stink, it is your own.

'POTHECARY. I know mine own breath from All-Hallows, Or else it were time to kiss the gallows.

PARDONER. Nay, sirs, behold, here may ye see The great toe of the Trinity: Who to this toe any money voweth, And once may roll it in his mouth, All his life after, I undertake, He shall never be vexed with the toothache.[462]

'POTHECARY. I pray you turn that relic about: Either[463] the Trinity had the gout, Or else, because it is three toes in one, God made it as much[464] as three toes alone.

PARDONER. Well, let that pass, and look upon this. Here is a relic that doth not miss To help the least as well as the most: This is a buttock-bone of Pentecost.

'POTHECARY. By Christ, and yet for all your boast, This relic hath beshitten the roast.

PARDONER. Mark well this relic: here is a whipper, My friends[465] unfeigned: here[466] is a slipper Of one of the Seven Sleepers, be sure.[467] Doubtless this kiss shall do you great pleasure; For all these two days it shall so ease you, That none other savours shall displease you.

'POTHECARY. All these two days! nay, all these[468] two years; For all the savours that may come here Can be no worse; for at a word One of the seven sleepers trod in a turd.

PEDLAR. Sir, me-thinketh your devotion is but small.

PARDONER. Small! marry me-thinketh he hath none at all.

'POTHECARY. What the devil care I what ye think? Shall I praise relics, when they stink?

PARDONER. Here is an eye-tooth of the Great Turk. Whose eyes be once set on this piece of work, May happily lese part of his eyesight, But not till he be blind outright.

'POTHECARY. Whatsoever any other man seeth, I have no devotion unto[469] Turks' teeth: For although I never saw a greater, Yet me-thinketh I have seen many better.

PARDONER. Here is a box full of humble bees, That stang Eve as she sat on her knees, Tasting the fruit to her forbidden. Who kisseth the bees within this hidden, Shall have as much pardon of right, As for any relic he kissed this night.

PALMER. Sir, I will kiss them with all my heart.

'POTHECARY. Kiss them again, and take my part, For I am not worthy: nay, let be: Those bees that stung Eve shall not sting me.

PARDONER. Good friends, I have yet here[470] in this glass, Which on the drink at the wedding was Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly. If ye honour this relic devoutly, Although ye thirst no whit the less, Yet shall ye drink the more, doubtless: After which drinking ye shall be as meet To stand on your head as on your feet.

'POTHECARY. Yea, marry, now I can[471] you thank;[472] In presence of this--the rest be blank. Would God this relic had come rather:[473] Kiss that relic well, good father. Such is the pain that ye palmers take To kiss the pardon-bowl for the drink sake. O holy yeast, that looketh full sour and stale, For God's body, help me to a cup of ale. The more I behold[474] thee, the more I thirst: The oftener I kiss thee, the more like to burst. But since I kiss thee so devoutly, Hire me,[475] and help me with drink, till I die. What, so much praying and so little speed?

PARDONER. Yea, for God knoweth when it is need To send folks drink; but, by St Anthony, I ween he hath sent you too much already.

'POTHECARY. If I have never the more for thee, Then be thy relics no riches to me; Nor to thyself, except they be More beneficial than I can see. Richer is one box of this triacle,[476] Than all thy relics, that do no miracle. If thou hadst prayed but half so much to me, As I have prayed to thy relics and thee, Nothing concerning mine occupation, But straight should have wrought one[477] operation: And as in value I pass you an ace, So here lieth much richness in little space. I have a box of rhubarb here, Which is as dainty as it is dear. So[478] help me God and halidom, Of this I would not give a dram To the best friend I have in England's ground, Though he would give me twenty pound. For though the stomach do it abhor, It purgeth you clean from the choler; And maketh your stomach sore to walter, That ye shall never come to the halter.

PEDLAR. Then is that medicine a sovereign thing To preserve a man from hanging.

'POTHECARY. If ye will taste but this crumb that ye see, If ever ye be hanged, never trust me. Here have I _diapompholicus_, A special ointment, as doctors discuss, For a fistula or for a canker: This ointment is even shot-anchor;[479] For this medicine[480] helpeth one and other, Or bringeth them in case that they need no other. Here is a _syrapus de Byzansis_, A little thing is enough of this; For even the weight of one scruple Shall[481] make you as strong as a cripple. Here are others, as _diosfialios, Diagalanga_ and _sticados, Blanka, manna, diospoliticon_, Mercury sublime and _metridaticon_, Pellitory and arsefetita; Cassy and _colloquintita_. These be[482] the things that break all strife Between man's sickness and his life. From all pain these shall you deliver, And set you even at rest for ever. Here is a medicine no mo like the same, Which commonly is called thus by name _Alikakabus_ or _Alkakengy_, A goodly thing for dogs that be[483] mangy. Such be these medicines, that I can Help a dog as well as a man. Not one thing here particularly, But worketh universally; For it doth me as much good, when I sell it, As all the buyers that taste it or smell it. Now since my medicines be so special, And in one operation so general, And ready to work whensoever they shall, So that in riches I am principal; If any reward may entreat ye, I beseech your maship be good to[484] me, And ye shall have a box of marmalade, So fine that you may dig it with a spade.

PEDLAR. Sir, I thank you; but your reward Is not the thing that I regard: I must and will be indifferent; Wherefore proceed in your intent.

'POTHECARY. Now if I wist this wish no sin, I would to God I might begin.

'PARDONER. I am content that thou lie first.

PALMER. Even so am I; now[485] say thy worst. Now let us hear, of all thy lies, The greatest lie thou mayst devise. And in the fewest words thou can.

'POTHECARY. Forsooth, ye be[486] an honest man.

PEDLAR. There said ye much, but yet no lie.

PARDONER. Now lie ye both, by Our Lady. Thou liest in boast of his honesty, And he hath lied in affirming thee.

'POTHECARY. If we both he, and ye say true, Then of these lies your part adieu! And if ye win, make none avaunt, For you are sure of one ill servant. You may perceive by the words he gave, He taketh your maship[487] but for knave. But who told truth[488] or lied indeed, That will I know, ere[489] we proceed. Sir, after that I first began To praise you for an honest man, When ye affirmed it for no lie:[490] Now, by your[491] faith, speak even truly; Thought ye your affirmation true?

PALMER. Yea, marry, for I would ye knew, I think myself an honest man.

'POTHECARY. What thought ye in the contrary then?

PARDONER. In that I said the contrary, I think from truth I did not vary.

'POTHECARY. And what of my words?

PARDONER. I thought ye lied.

'POTHECARY. And so thought I, by God that died. Now have you twain each for himself laid, That none[492] hath lied, but both true said: And of us twain none hath denied, But both affirmed that I have lied. Now since both ye[493] the truth confess, How that I lied, do bear witness, That twain of us may soon agree,[494] And that the lier the winner must be, Who could provide such evidence, As I have done in this pretence? Me-thinketh this matter sufficient To cause you to give judgment; And to give me the mastery, For ye perceive these knaves cannot lie.

PALMER. Though nother[495] of us yet had lied, Yet what we can do is untried; For as yet we have devised nothing, But answered you and given you hearing.

PEDLAR. Therefore I have devised one way, Whereby all three your minds may say, For each of you one tale shall tell, And which of you telleth most marvèl, And most unlikest[496] to be true, Shall most prevail, whatever ensue.

'POTHECARY. If ye be set on marvelling, Then shall ye hear a marvellous thing. And though, indeed, all be not true, Yet sure the most part shall be new. I did a cure no longer ago, But in _anno domini millesimo_, On a woman young and so fair, That never have I seen a gayer. God save all women of[497] that likeness. This wanton had the falling sickness, Which by descent came lineally, For her mother had it naturally: Wherefore this woman to recure, It was more hard, ye may be sure. But though I boast my craft is such, That in such things I can do much: How oft she fell were much to report; But her head so giddy, and her belly so short, That, with the twinkling of an eye, Down would she fall even by and by. But ere[498] she would arise again, I showed much practice much to my pain. For the tallest man within this town Could[499] not with ease have broken her swoon. Although for life I did not doubt her, Yet I did take more pains[500] about her, Than I would take with my own sister. Sir, at the last I gave her a glister: I thrust a tampion in her tewell,[501] And bade her keep it for a jewel; But I knew there[502] it was too heavy to carry, That I sure was it would not tarry: For where gunpowder is once fired, The tampion will no lenger be hired: Which was well seen in time of this chance, For when I had charged this ordnance, Suddenly, as it had thundered, Even at a clap loosed her bombard.[503] Now mark, for here beginneth the revel: This tampion flew ten long mile level, To a fair castle of lime and stone, For strength I know not such a one, Which stood upon a hill full high, At foot whereof a river ran by, So deep, till chance had it forbidden, Well might the Regent[504] there have ridden. But when this tampion at this[505] castle did light, It put the castle so fair to flight, That down they came each upon other, No stone left standing, by God's mother! But rolled down so fast the hill In such a number, and so did fill From bottom to brim, from shore to shore, This foresaid river so deep before, That who list now to walk thereto, May wade it over and wet no shoe. So was this castle laid wide open, That every man might see the token. But in a good hour may these[506] words be spoken After the tampion on the walls was wroken, And piece by piece in pieces broken. And she delivered with such violence Of all her inconvenience, I left her in good health and lust; And so she doth continue, I trust.

PEDLAR. Sir, in your cure I can nothing tell; But to your[507] purpose ye have said well.

PARDONER. Well, sir, then mark what I can say. I have been a pardoner many a day, And done greater[508] cures ghostly Than ever he did bodily. Namely this one, which ye shall hear, Of one departed within this seven year, A friend of mine, and likewise I To her again was as friendly: Who fell so sick so suddenly, That dead she was even by and by, And never spake with priest nor clerk, Nor had no whit of this holy work; For I was thence, it could not be, Yet heard I say she asked for me. But when I bethought me how this chanced, And that I have to heaven avanced So many souls to me but strangers, And could not keep my friend from dangers, But she to die so dangerously, For her soul-health especially; That was the thing that grieved me so, That nothing could release my woe, Till I had tried even out of hand, In what estate her soul did stand. For which trial, short tale to make, I took this journey for her sake.[509] Give ear, for here beginneth the story: From hence I went to Purgatory, And took with me this gear in my fist, Whereby I may do there what I list. I knocked and was let in quickly: But, Lord, how low the souls made curtesy; And I to every soul again Did give a beck[510] them to retain, And asked them this question then, If that the soul of such a woman Did late among them there appear? Whereto they said, she came not here. Then feared I much it was not well; Alas, thought I, she is in hell; For with her life I was so acquainted, That sure I thought she was not sainted. With this it chanced me to sneeze; Christ help, quoth a soul that lay for his fees. Those words, quoth I, thou shalt not lese; Then with these pardons of all degrees I paid his toll and set him so quit, That straight to heaven he took his flight, And I from thence to hell that night, To help this woman, if I might; Not as who saith by authority, But by the way of entreaty. And first to the devil that kept the gate I came, and spake after this rate: All hail, sir devil, and made low curtesy: Welcome, quoth he thus smilingly.[511] He knew me well, and I at last Remembered him since long time past: For, as good hap would have it chance, This devil and I were of old acquaintance; For oft, in the play of Corpus Christi,[512] He hath played the devil at Coventry. By his acquaintance and my behaviour, He showed to me right friendly favour, And to make my return the shorter, I said to this devil: Good master porter, For all old love, if it lie in your power, Help me to speak with my lord and your. Be sure, quoth he, no tongue can tell, What time thou couldst have come so well: For as on[513] this day Lucifer fell, Which is our festival in hell. Nothing unreasonable craved this day, That shall in hell have any nay. But yet beware thou come not in, Till time thou may[514] thy passport win. Wherefore stand still, and I will wit,[515] If I can get thy safe-conduit. He tarried not, but shortly got it Under seal, and the Devil's hand at it, In ample wise, as ye shall hear; Thus it began: Lucifer, By the power of God, chief devil of hell, To all the devils that there do dwell And every of them, we send greeting, Under strait charge and commanding, That they aiding and assistant be To such a Pardoner, and named me, So that he may at liberty Pass safe without any[516] jeopardy, Till that he be from us extinct, And clearly out of hell's precinct. And his pardon to keep in safeguard, We will they lie in the porter's ward. Given in the furnace of our palace, In our high court of matters of malice, Such a day and year of our reign. God save the devil, quoth I, amain.[517] I trust this writing to be sure: Then put thy trust, quod he, in ure[518], Since thou art sure to take no harm. This devil and I walked arm in arm So far, till he had brought me thither, Where all the devils of hell together Stood in array in such apparel, As for that day there meetly fell. Their horns well-gilt, their claws full clean, Their tails well-kempt, and, as I ween, With sothery[519] butter their bodies annointed; I never saw devils so well appointed.[520] The master-devil sat in his jacket, And all the souls were playing at racket. None other rackets they had in hand, Save every soul a good firebrand: Wherewith they played so prettily, That Lucifer laughed merrily; And all the residue of the fiends[521] Did laugh thereat full well like friends.[522] But of my friend I saw no whit, Nor durst not ask for her as yet. Anon all this rout was brought in silence, And I by an usher brought in presence Of Lucifer; then low, as well I could,[523] I kneeled, which he so well allowed, That thus he becked, and, by St Anthony, He smiled on me well-favouredly, Bending his brows as broad as barn-doors, Shaking his ears as rugged as burrs; Rolling his eyes as round as two bushels; Flashing the fire out of his nosthrils; Gnashing his teeth so vaingloriously, That me-thought time to fall to flattery, Wherewith I told, as I shall tell: O pleasant picture! O prince of hell! Feutred[524] in fashion abhominable, And since that is inestimable For me to praise thee worthily. I leave of praise, as unworthy To give thee praise, beseeching thee To hear my suit, and then to be So good to grant the thing I crave; And, to be short, this would I have: The soul of one which hither is flitted, Delivered[525] hence, and to me remitted. And in this doing, though all be not quit, Yet in some part I shall[526] deserve it, As thus: I am a pardoner, And over souls as controller, Thorough out the earth my power doth stand, Where many a soul lieth on my hand, That speed in matters as I use them, As I receive them or refuse them. Whereby what time thy pleasure is, I[527] shall requite any part of this, The least devil here that can come thither, Shall choose a soul and bring him hither. Ho,[528] ho! quoth the devil, we are well pleased; What is his name thou wouldst have eased? Nay, quoth I, be it good or evil, My coming is for a she devil. What callst her, quoth he, thou whoreson?[529] Forsooth, quoth I, Margery Corson. Now, by our honour, said Lucifer, No devil in hell shall withhold her; And if thou wouldest have twenty mo, Wert not for justice, they should go. For all we[530] devils within this den Have more to do with two women, Than with all the charge we have beside; Wherefore, if thou our friend will be tried, Apply thy pardons to women so, That unto us there come no mo. To do my best I promised by oath; Which I have kept, for, as the faith goeth, At this day[531] to heaven I do procure Ten women to one man, be sure. Then of Lucifer my leave I took, And straight unto the master-cook I was had into the kitchen, For Margery's office was therein. All things handled there discreetly, For every soul beareth office meetly: Which might be seen to see her sit So busily turning of the spit. For many a spit here hath she turned, And many a good spit hath she burned: And many a spitful hot hath roasted, Before the meat could be half roasted, And ere the meat were half-roasted indeed, I took her then fro the spit with speed. But when she saw this brought to pass, To tell the joy wherein she was! And of all the devils, for joy how they Did roar at her delivery! And how the chains in hell did ring. And how all the souls therein did sing; And how we were brought to the gate, And how we took our leave thereat, Be sure lack of time suffereth not To rehearse the twentieth part of that, Wherefore, this tale to conclude briefly, This woman thanked me chiefly, That she was rid of this endless death, And so we departed on Newmarket-heath. And if that any man do mind her, Who lists to seek her, there shall he find her.

PEDLAR. Sir, ye have sought her wonders[532] well, And where ye found her as ye tell, To hear the chance ye had[533] in hell, I find ye were in great peril.[534]