Chapter VII: Act V: , Scene I (3)

PHILOMUSUS. Curs'd be our thoughts, whene'er they dream of hope, Bann'd be those haps, that henceforth flatter us, When mischief dogs us still and still for ay, From our first birth until our burying day: In our first gamesome age, our doting sires Carked and cared to have us lettered, Sent us to Cambridge, where our oil is spent; Us our kind college from the teat did tear,[108] And forc'd us walk, before we weaned were. From that time since wandered have we still In the wide world, urg'd by our forced will, Nor ever have we happy fortune tried; Then why should hope with our rent state abide? Nay, let us run unto the baseful cave, Pight in the hollow ribs of craggy cliff, Where dreary owls do shriek the live-long night, Chasing away the birds of cheerful light; Where yawning ghosts do howl in ghastly wise, Where that dull, hollow-eyed, that staring sire, Yclep'd Despair, hath his sad mansion: Him let us find, and by his counsel we Will end our too much irked misery.

STUDIOSO. To wail thy haps, argues a dastard mind.

PHILOMUSUS. To bear[109] too long, argues an ass's kind.

STUDIOSO. Long since the worst chance of the die was cast.

PHILOMUSUS. But why should that word _worst_ so long time last?

STUDIOSO. Why dost thou now these sleepy plaints commence?

PHILOMUSUS. Why should I e'er be dull'd with patience?

STUDIOSO. Wise folk do bear with, struggling cannot mend.

PHILOMUSUS. Good spirits must with thwarting fates contend.

STUDIOSO. Some hope is left our fortunes to redress.

PHILOMUSUS. No hope but this--e'er to be comfortless.

STUDIOSO. Our life's remainder gentler hearts may find.

PHILOMUSUS. The gentlest hearts to us will prove unkind.

ACTUS IV., SCAENA 1.

SIR RADERIC _and_ PRODIGO _at one corner of the stage_; RECORDER
_and_ AMORETTO _at the other: two_ PAGES _scouring of tobacco-pipes_.

SIR RADERIC. Master Prodigo, Master Recorder hath told you law--your land is forfeited; and for me not to take the forfeiture were to break the Queen's law. For mark you, it's law to take the forfeiture; therefore not to take[110] it is to break the Queen's law; and to break the Queen's law is not to be a good subject, and I mean to be a good subject. Besides, I am a justice of the peace; and, being justice of the peace, I must do justice--that is, law--that is, to take the forfeiture, especially having taken notice of it. Marry, Master Prodigo, here are a few shillings over and besides the bargain.

PRODIGO. Pox on your shillings! 'Sblood, a while ago, before he had me in the lurch, who but my cousin Prodigo? You are welcome, my cousin Prodigo. Take my cousin Prodigo's horse. A cup of wine for my cousin Prodigo. Good faith, you shall sit here, good cousin Prodigo. A clean trencher for my cousin Prodigo. Have a special care of my cousin Prodigo's lodging. Now, Master Prodigo with a pox, and a few shillings for a vantage. A plague on your shillings! Pox on your shillings! If it were not for the sergeant, which dogs me at my heels, a plague on your shillings! pox on your shillings! pox on yourself and your shillings! pox on your worship! If I catch thee at Ostend--I dare not stay for the sergeant. [_Exit_.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Good faith, Master Prodigo is an excellent fellow. He takes the Gulan Ebullitio so excellently.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. He is a good liberal gentleman: he hath bestowed an ounce of tobacco upon us; and, as long as it lasts, come cut and long tail, we'll spend it as liberally for his sake.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Come, fill the pipe quickly, while my master is in his melancholy humour; it's just the melancholy of a collier's horse.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. If you cough, Jack, after your tobacco, for a punishment you shall kiss the pantofle.

SIR RADERIC. It's a foul oversight, that a man of worship cannot keep a wench in his house, but there must be muttering and surmising. It was the wisest saying that my father ever uttered, that a wife was the name of necessity, not of pleasure; for what do men marry for, but to stock their ground, and to have one to look to the linen, sit at the upper end of the table, and carve up a capon; one that can wear a hood like a hawk, and cover her foul face with a fan. But there's no pleasure always to be tied to a piece of mutton; sometimes a mess of stewed broth will do well, and an unlaced rabbit is best of all. Well, for mine own part, I have no great cause to complain, for I am well-provided of three bouncing wenches, that are mine own fee-simple; one of them I am presently to visit, if I can rid myself cleanly of this company. Let me see how the day goes [_he pulls his watch out_]. Precious coals! the time is at hand; I must meditate on an excuse to be gone.

RECORDER. The which, I say, is grounded on the statute I spake of before, enacted in the reign of Henry VI.

AMORETTO. It is a plain case, whereon I mooted[111] in our Temple, and that was this: put case, there be three brethren, John a Nokes, John a Nash, and John a Stile. John a Nokes the elder, John a Nash the younger, and John a Stile the youngest of all. John a Nash the younger dieth without issue of his body lawfully begotten. Whether shall his lands ascend to John a Nokes the elder, or descend to John a Stile the youngest of all? The answer is, the lands do collaterally descend, not ascend.

RECORDER. Very true; and for a proof hereof I will show you a place in Littleton which is very pregnant in this point.

ACTUS IV., SCAENA 2.

_Enter_ INGENIOSO, FUROR, PHANTASMA.

INGENIOSO. I'll pawn my wits, that is, my revenues, my land, my money, and whatsoever I have, for I have nothing but my wit, that they are at hand. Why, any sensible snout may wind Master Amoretto and his pomander, Master Recorder and his two neat's feet that wear no socks, Sir Raderic by his rammish complexion; _Olet Gorgonius hircum, sicut Lupus in fabula_. Furor, fire the touch-box of your wit: Phantasma, let your invention play tricks like an ape: begin thou, Furor, and open like a flap-mouthed hound: follow thou, Phantasma, like a lady's puppy: and as for me, let me alone; I'll come after, like a water-dog, that will shake them off when I have no use of them. My masters, the watchword is given. Furor, discharge.

FUROR to SIR RADERIC. The great projector of the thunderbolts, He that is wont to piss whole clouds of rain Into the earth, vast gaping urinal, Which that one-ey'd subsizer of the sky, Dan Phoebus, empties by calidity; He and his townsmen planets brings to thee Most fatty lumps of earth's fecundity.[112]

SIR RADERIC. Why, will this fellow's English break the Queen's peace? I will not seem to regard him.

PHANTASMA _to_ AMORETTO. [_Reads from a Horace, addressing himself_.] _Mecaenas, atavis edite regibus, O, et praesidium et dulce decus meum, Dii faciant votis vela secunda tuis_.

INGENIOSO. God save you, good Master Recorder, and good fortunes follow your deserts. I think I have cursed him sufficiently in few words. [_Aside_.

SIR RADERIC. What have we here? three begging soldiers? Come you from Ostend or from Ireland?

PAGE. _Cujum pecus? an Melibaei?_ I have vented all the Latin one man had.

PHANTASMA. _Quid dicam amplius? domini similis os_.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. Let him [not] alone, I pray thee. To him again: tickle him there!

PHANTASMA. _Quam dispari domino dominaris?_

RECORDER. Nay, that's plain in Littleton; for if that fee-simple and fee-tail be put together, it is called hotch-potch. Now, this word hotch-potch in English is a pudding; for in such a pudding is not commonly one thing only, but one thing with another.

AMORETTO. I think I do remember this also at a mooting in our Temple. So then this hotch-potch seems a term of similitude?

FUROR to SIR RADERIC. Great Capricornus, of thy head take keep: Good Virgo, watch, while that thy worship sleep; And when thy swelling vents amain, Then Pisces be thy sporting chamberlain.

SIR RADERIC. I think the devil hath sent some of his family to torment me.

AMORETTO. There is tail-general and tail-special, and Littleton is very copious in that theme; for tail-general is when lands are given to a man and his heirs of his body begotten; tail-special is when lands are given to a man and to his wife, and to the heirs of their two bodies lawfully begotten; and that is called tail-special.

SIR RADERIC. Very well; and for his oath I will give a distinction. There is a material oath and a formal oath; the formal oath may be broken, the material may not be broken: for mark you, sir, the law is to take place before the conscience, and therefore you may, using me your councillor, cast him in the suit. There wants nothing to be full meaning of this place.

PHANTASMA. _Nihil hic nisi carmina desunt_.

INGENIOSO. An excellent observation, in good faith. See how the old fox teacheth the young cub to worry a sheep; or rather sits himself, like an old goose, hatching the addle brain of Master Amoretto. There is no fool to the satin fool, the velvet fool, the perfumed fool; and therefore the witty tailors of this age put them under colour of kindness into a pair of cloth bags, where a voider will not serve the turn. And there is no knave to the barbarous knave, the moulting knave, the pleading knave.--What, ho! Master Recorder? Master _Noverint universi per presentes_,--not a word he, unless he feels it in his fist.

PHANTASMA. _Mitto tibi merulas, cancros imitare legendo_.

SIR RADERIC _to_ FUROR. Fellow, what art thou, that art so bold?

FUROR. I am the bastard of great Mercury, Got on Thalia when she was asleep: My gaudy grandsire, great Apollo hight,[113] Born was, I hear, but that my luck was ill, To all the land upon the forked hill.

PHANTASMA. _O crudelis Alexi, nil mea carmina curas? Nil nostri miserere? mori me denique coges?_

SIR RADERIC _to_ PAGE. If you use them thus, my master is a justice of peace, and will send you all to the gallows.

PHANTASMA. _Hei mihi, quod domino non licet ire tuo?_[114]

INGENIOSO. Good Master Recorder, let me retain you this term--for my cause, good Master Recorder.

RECORDER. I am retained already on the contrary part. I have taken my fee; begone, begone.

INGENIOSO. It's his meaning I should come off.[115] Why, here is the true style of a villain, the true faith of a lawyer; it is usual with them to be bribed on the one side, and then to take a fee of the other; to plead weakly, and to be bribed and rebribed on the one side, then to be fee'd and refee'd of the other; till at length, _per varios casus_, by putting the case so often, they make their clients so lank, that they may case them up in a comb-case, and pack them home from the term, as though they had travelled to London to sell their horse only; and, having lost their fleeces, live afterward like poor shorn sheep.

FUROR. The gods above, that know great Furor's fame, And do adore grand poet Furor's name, Granted long since at heaven's high parliament, That whoso Furor shall immortalise, No yawning goblins shall frequent his grave; Nor any bold, presumptuous cur shall dare To lift his leg against his sacred dust. Where'er I have my rhymes, thence vermin fly, All, saving that foul-fac'd vermin poverty. This sucks the eggs of my invention, Evacuates my wit's full pigeon-house. Now may it please thy generous dignity To take this vermin napping, as he lies In the true trap of liberality, I'll cause the Pleiades to give thee thanks; I'll write thy name within the sixteenth sphere: I'll make th'Antarctic pole to kiss thy toe. And Cynthia to do homage to thy tail.

SIR RADERIC. Precious coals! thou a man of worship and justice too? It's even so, he is either a madman or a conjuror. It were well if his words were examined, to see if they be the Queen's or no.

PHANTASMA. _Nunc si nos audis, tu qui es divinus Apollo, Dic mihi, qui nummos non habet, unde petat?_

AMORETTO. I am still haunted with these needy Latinist fellows.--The best counsel I can give is, to be gone.

PHANTASMA. _Quod peto da, Caie; non peto consilium_.

AMORETTO. Fellow, look to your brains; you are mad, you are mad.

PHANTASMA. _Semel insanivimus omnes_.

AMORETTO. Master Recorder, is it not a shame that a gallant cannot walk the street quietly for needy fellows, and that, after there is a statute come out against begging? [_He strikes his breast_.

PHANTASMA. _Pectora percussit, pectus quoque robora fiunt_.

RECORDER. I warrant you, they are some needy graduates; the university breaks wind twice a year, and let's fly such as these are.

INGENIOSO. So ho, Master Recorder. You that are one of the devil's fellow-commoners; one that sizeth the devil's butteries, sins, and perjuries very lavishly; one that are so dear to Lucifer, that he never puts you out of commons for nonpayment; you that live, like a sumner, upon the sins of the people; you whose vocation serves to enlarge the territories of hell that, but for you, had been no bigger than a pair of stocks or a pillory; you, that hate a scholar because he descries your ass's ears; you that are a plague-stuffed cloak-bag of all iniquity, which the grand serving-man of hell will one day truss up behind him, and carry to his smoky wardrobe.

RECORDER. What frantic fellow art thou, that art possessed with the spirit of malediction?

FUROR. Vile, muddy clod of base, unhallowed clay, Thou slimy-sprighted, unkind Saracen, When thou wert born, Dame Nature cast her calf; For age and time hath made thee a great ox, And now thy grinding jaws devour quite The fodder due to us of heavenly spright.

PHANTASMA. _Nefasto te posuit die, Quicunque primum, et sacrilegâ manu Produxit arbos in nepotum Perniciem obpropriumque pugi_.

INGENIOSO. I pray you, Monsieur Ploidon, of what university was the first lawyer of? None, forsooth: for your law is ruled by reason, and not by art; great reason, indeed, that a Polydenist should be mounted on a trapped palfry with a round velvet dish on his head, to keep warm the broth of his wit, and a long gown that makes him look like a _Cedant arma togae_, whilst the poor Aristotelians walk in a short cloak and a close Venetian hose, hard by the oyster-wife; and the silly poet goes muffled in his cloak to escape the counter. And you, Master Amoretto, that art the chief carpenter of sonnets, a privileged vicar for the lawless marriage of ink and paper, you that are good for nothing but to commend in a set speech, to colour the quantity of your mistress's stool, and swear it is most sweet civet; it's fine, when that puppet-player Fortune must put such a Birchen-Lane post in so good a suit, such an ass in so good fortune!

AMORETTO. Father, shall I draw?

SIR RADERIC. No, son; keep thy peace, and hold the peace.

INGENIOSO. Nay, do not draw, lest you chance to bepiss your credit.

FUROR. _Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo_. Fearful Megaera, with her snaky twine, Was cursed dam unto thy damned self; And Hircan tigers in the desert rocks Did foster up thy loathed, hateful life; Base Ignorance the wicked cradle rock'd, Vile Barbarism was wont to dandle thee; Some wicked hellhound tutored thy youth. And all the grisly sprights of griping hell With mumming look hath dogg'd thee since thy birth: See how the spirits do hover o'er thy head, As thick as gnats in summer eveningtide. Baleful Alecto, prythee, stay awhile, Till with my verses I have rack'd his soul; And when thy soul departs, a cock may be No blank at all in hell's great lottery-- Shame sits and howls upon thy loathed grave, And howling, vomits up in filthy guise The hidden stories of thy villanies.

SIR RADERIC. The devil, my masters, the devil in the likeness of a poet! Away, my masters, away!

PHANTASMA. _Arma, virumque cano. Quem fugis, ah demens_?

AMORETTO. Base dog, it is not the custom in Italy to draw upon every idle cur that barks; and, did it stand with my reputation--O, well, go to; thank my father for your lives.

INGENIOSO. Fond gull, whom I would undertake to bastinado quickly, though there were a musket planted in thy mouth, are not you the young drover of livings Academico told me of, that haunts steeple fairs? Base worm, must thou needs discharge thy carbine[116] to batter down the walls of learning?

AMORETTO. I think I have committed some great sin against my mistress, that I am thus tormented with notable villains, bold peasants. I scorn, I scorn them! [_Exit_.

FUROR _to_ RECORDER. Nay, prythee, good sweet devil, do not thou part; I like an honest devil, that will show Himself in a true hellish, smoky hue: How like thy snout is to great Lucifer's? Such talents[117] had he, such a gleering eye, And such a cunning sleight in villany.

RECORDER. O, the impudency of this age! And if I take you in my quarters-- [_Exit_.

FUROR. Base slave, I'll hang thee on a crossed rhyme, And quarter--

INGENIOSO. He is gone; Furor, stay thy fury.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. I pray you, gentlemen, give three groats for a shilling.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. What will you give me for a good old suit of apparel?

PHANTASMA. _Habet et musca splenem, et formicae sua bilis inest_.

INGENIOSO. Gramercy,[118] good lads. This is our share in happiness, to torment the happy. Let's walk along and laugh at the jest; it's no staying here long, lest Sir Raderic's army of bailiffs and clowns be sent to apprehend us.

PHANTASMA. _Procul hinc, procul ite, profani_. I'll lash Apollo's self with jerking hand, Unless he pawn his wit to buy me land.

ACTUS IV., SCAENA 3.

BURBAGE, KEMP.

BURBAGE. Now, Will Kemp, if we can entertain these scholars at a low rate, it will be well; they have oftentimes a good conceit in a part.

KEMP. It's true, indeed, honest Dick, but the slaves are somewhat proud; and besides, it's a good sport in a part to see them never speak in their walk, but at the end of the stage; just as though, in walking with a fellow, we should never speak but at a stile, a gate, or a ditch, where a man can go no further. I was once at a comedy in Cambridge, and there I saw a parasite make faces and mouths of all sorts on this fashion.

BURBAGE. A little teaching will mend these faults; and it may be, besides, they will be able to pen a part.

KEMP. Few of the university pen play well; they smell too much of that writer Ovid and that writer Metamorphosis, and talk too much of Proserpina and Jupiter. Why, here's our fellow Shakespeare puts them all down--ay, and Ben Jonson too. O, that Ben Jonson is a pestilent fellow; he brought up Horace, giving the poets a pill;[119] but our fellow Shakespeare hath given him a purge that made him bewray his credit.

BURBAGE. It's a shrewd fellow, indeed. I wonder these scholars stay so long; they appointed to be here presently, that we might try them. O, here they come.

STUDIOSO. Take heart, these lets our clouded thoughts refine; The sun shines brightest when it 'gins decline.

BURBAGE. Master Philomusus and Master Studioso, God save you.

KEMP. Master Philomusus and Master Otioso,[120] well-met.

PHILOMUSUS. The same to you, good Master Burbage. What, Master Kemp, how doth the Emperor of Germany?[121]

STUDIOSO. God save you, Master Kemp; welcome, Master Kemp, from dancing the morris over the Alps.

KEMP. Well, you merry knaves, you may come to the honour of it one day. Is it not better to make a fool of the world as I have done, than to be fooled of the world, as you scholars are? But be merry, my lads; you have happened upon the most excellent vocation in the world for money. They come north and south to bring it to our playhouse; and for honours, who of more report than Dick Burbage and Will Kemp? He is not counted a gentleman that knows not Dick Burbage and Will Kemp. There's not a country wench that can dance Sellenger's round,[122] but can talk of Dick Burbage and Will Kemp.

PHILOMUSUS. Indeed, Master Kemp, you are very famous; but that is as well for works in print, as your part in cue.[123]

KEMP. You are at Cambridge still with size cue, and be lusty humorous poets. You must untruss; I rode this my last circuit purposely, because I would be judge of your actions.

BURBAGE. Master Studioso, I pray you, take some part in this book, and act it, that I may see what will fit you best. I think your voice would serve for Hieronimo; observe how I act it, and then imitate me. [_He recites_.

STUDIOSO. Who call Hieronimo from his naked bed? And_, &c.[124]

BURBAGE. You will do well--after a while.

KEMP.

Now for you. Methinks you should belong to my tuition; and your face, methinks, would be good for a foolish mayor or a foolish justice of peace. Mark me:--

Forasmuch as there be two states of a commonwealth, the one of peace, the other of tranquillity; two states of war, the one of discord, the other of dissension; two states of an incorporation, the one of the aldermen, the other of the brethren; two states of magistrates, the one of governing, the other of bearing rule. Now, as I said even now--for a good thing[125] cannot be said too often. Virtue is the shoeing-horn of justice; that is, virtue is the shoeing-horn of doing well; that is, virtue is the shoeing-horn of doing justly; it behoveth me, and is my part to commend this shoeing-horn unto you. I hope this word shoeing-horn doth not offend any of you, my worshipful brethren; for you, being the worshipful headsmen of the town, know well what the horn meaneth. Now therefore I am determined not only to teach, but also to instruct, not only the ignorant, but also the simple; not only what is their duty towards their betters, but also what is their duty towards their superiors.

Come, let me see how you can do; sit down in the chair.

PHILOMUSUS. Forasmuch as there be, &c.

KEMP. Thou wilt do well in time, if thou wilt be ruled by thy betters, that is, by myself, and such grave aldermen of the playhouse as I am.

BURBAGE. I like your face, and the proportion of your body for Richard the Third. I pray, Master Philomusus, let me see you act a little of it.

PHILOMUSUS. _Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by the sun of York_.

BURBAGE. Very well, I assure you. Well, Master Philomusus and Master Studioso, we see what ability you are of; I pray, walk with us to our fellows, and we'll agree presently.

PHILOMUSUS. We will follow you straight, Master Burbage.

KEMP. It's good manners to follow us, Master Philomusus and Master Otioso.

PHILOMUSUS. And must the basest trade yield us relief? Must we be practis'd to those leaden spouts, That nought down vent but what they do receive? Some fatal fire hath scorch'd our fortune's wing, And still we fall, as we do upward spring? As we strive upward on the vaulted sky, We fall, and feel our hateful destiny.

STUDIOSO. Wonder it is, sweet friend, thy pleading breath, So like the sweet blast of the south-west wind, Melts not those rocks of ice, those mounts of snow,[126] Congeal'd in frozen hearts of men below.

PHILOMUSUS. Wonder, as well thou may'st, why 'mongst the waves-- 'Mongst the tempestuous waves on raging sea, The wailing merchant can no pity crave. What cares the wind and weather for their pains? One strikes the sail, another turns the same; He shakes the main, another takes the oar, Another laboureth and taketh pain To pump the sea into the sea again: Still they take pains, still the loud winds do blow, Till the ship's prouder mast be laid below.

STUDIOSO. Fond world, that ne'er think'st on that aged man-- That Ariosto's old swift-paced man, Whose name is Time, who never lins to run, Loaden with bundles of decayed names, The which in Lethe's lake he doth entomb, Save only those which swan-like scholars take, And do deliver from that greedy lake. Inglorious may they live, inglorious die, That suffer learning live in misery.

PHILOMUSUS. What caren they what fame their ashes have, When once they're coop'd up in the silent grave?

STUDIOSO. If for fair fame they hope not when they die. Yet let them fear grave's staining infamy.

PHILOMUSUS. Their spendthrift heirs will those firebrands quench, Swaggering full moistly on a tavern's bench.

STUDIOSO. No shamed sire, for all his glosing heir, Must long be talk'd of in the empty air. Believe me, thou that art my second self, My vexed soul is not disquieted, For that I miss is gaudy-painted state, Whereat my fortunes fairly aim'd of late: For what am I, the mean'st of many mo, That, earning profit, are repaid with woe. But this it is that doth my soul torment: To think so many activable wits, That might contend with proudest bards[127] of Po, Sit now immur'd within their private cells, Drinking a long lank watching candle's smoke, Spending the marrow of their flow'ring age In fruitless poring on some worm-eat leaf: When their deserts shall seem of due to claim A cheerful crop of fruitful swelling sheaf; Cockle their harvest is, and weeds their grain, Contempt their portion, their possession, pain. Scholars must frame to live at a low sail.

PHILOMUSUS. Ill-sailing, where there blows no happy gale!

STUDIOSO. Our ship is ruin'd, all her tackling rent.

PHILOMUSUS. And all her gaudy furniture is spent.

STUDIOSO. Tears be the waves whereon her ruins bide.

PHILOMUSUS. And sighs the winds that waste her broken side.

STUDIOSO. Mischief the pilot is the ship to steer.

PHILOMUSUS. And woe the passenger this ship doth bear.

STUDIOSO. Come, Philomusus, let us break this chat.

PHILOMUSUS. And break, my heart! O, would I could break that!

STUDIOSO. Let's learn to act that tragic part we have.

PHILOMUSUS. Would I were silent actor in my grave!

ACTUS V., SCAENA 1.

PHILOMUSUS _and_ STUDIOSO _become fiddlers: with their concert_.

PHILOMUSUS. And tune, fellow-fiddlers; Studioso and I are ready.

[_They tune_.

STUDIOSO, _going aside, sayeth_, Fair fell good Orpheus, that would rather be King of a molehill than a keisar's slave: Better it is 'mongst fiddlers to be chief, Than at [a] player's trencher beg relief. But is't not strange, this mimic ape should prize Unhappy scholars at a hireling rate? Vile world, that lifts them up to high degree, And treads us down in groveling misery. England affords those glorious vagabonds, That carried erst their fardles on their backs, Coursers to ride on through the gazing streets, Sweeping[128] it in their glaring satin suits, And pages to attend their masterships: With mouthing words that better wits have framed, They purchase lands, and now esquires are made.[129]

PHILOMUSUS. Whate'er they seem, being ev'n at the best, They are but sporting fortune's scornful jest.

STUDIOSO. So merry fortune's wont from rags to take Some ragged groom, and him a[130] gallant make.

PHILOMUSUS. The world and fortune hath play'd on us too long.

STUDIOSO. Now to the world we fiddle must a song.

PHILOMUSUS. Our life is a plain-song with cunning penn'd, Whose highest pitch in lowest base doth end. But see, our fellows unto play are bent; If not our minds, let's tune our instrument.

STUDIOSO. Let's in a private song our cunning try, Before we sing to stranger company.

[PHILOMUSUS _sings. They tune_.

How can he sing, whose voice is hoarse with care? How can he play, whose heart-strings broken are? How can he keep his rest, that ne'er found rest? How can he keep his time, whom time ne'er bless'd? Only he can in sorrow bear a part With untaught hand and with untuned heart. Fond hearts, farewell, that swallow'd have my youth; Adieu, vain muses, that have wrought my ruth; Repent, fond sire, that train'dst thy hapless son In learning's lore, since bounteous alms are done. Cease, cease, harsh tongue: untuned music, rest; Entomb thy sorrows in thy hollow breast.

STUDIOSO. Thanks, Philomusus, for thy pleasant song. O, had this world a touch of juster grief, Hard rocks would weep for want of our relief.

PHILOMUSUS. The cold of woe hath quite untun'd my voice, And made it too-too hard for list'ning ear: Time was, in time of my young fortune's spring, I was a gamesome boy, and learn'd to sing-- But say, fellow-musicians, you know best whither we go: at what door must we imperiously beg?

JACK FIDDLERS. Here dwells Sir Raderic and his son. It may be now at this good time of new year he will be liberal. Let us stand near, and draw.

PHILOMUSUS. Draw, callest thou it? Indeed, it is the most desperate kind of service that ever I adventured on.

ACTUS V., SCAENA 2.

_Enter the two_ PAGES.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. My master bids me tell you that he is but newly fallen asleep, and you, base slaves, must come and disquiet them! What, never a basket of capons? mass, and if he comes, he'll commit you all.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. Sirrah Jack, shall you and I play Sir Raderic and Amoretto, and reward these fiddlers? I'll my Master Amoretto, and give them as much as he useth.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. And I my old Master Sir Raderic. Fiddlers, play. I'll reward you; faith, I will.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. Good faith, this pleaseth my sweet mistress admirably. Cannot you play _Twitty, twatty, fool_? or, _To be at her, to be at her_?

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Have you never a song of Master Dowland's making?

AMORETTO'S PAGE. Or, _Hos ego versiculos feci_, &c. A pox on it! my Master Amoretto useth it very often: I have forgotten the verse.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Sir Theon,[131] here are a couple of fellows brought before me, and I know not how to decide the cause: look in my Christmas-book, who brought me a present.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. On New-Year's day, goodman Fool brought you a present; but goodman Clown brought you none.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Then the right is on goodman Fool's side.

AMORETTO'S PAGE. My mistress is so sweet, that all the physicians in the town cannot make her stink; she never goes to the stool. O, she is a most sweet little monkey. Please your worship, good father, yonder are some would speak with you.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. What, have they brought me anything? If they have not, say I take physic. [SIR RADERIC'S _voice within_.] Forasmuch, fiddlers, as I am of the peace, I must needs love all weapons and instruments that are for the peace, among which I account your fiddles, because they can neither bite nor scratch. Marry, now, finding your fiddles to jar, and knowing that jarring is a cause of breaking the peace, I am, by the virtue of my office and place, to commit your quarrelling fiddles to close prisonment in their cases. [_The fiddlers call within_.] Sha ho! Richard! Jack!

AMORETTO'S PAGE. The fool within mars our play without. Fiddlers, set it on my head. I use to size my music, or go on the score for it: I'll pay it at the quarter's end.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. Farewell, good Pan! sweet Thamyras,[132] adieu! Dan Orpheus, a thousand times farewell!

JACK FIDDLERS. You swore you would pay us for our music.

SIR RADERIC'S PAGE. For that I'll give Master Recorder's law, and that is this: there is a double oath--a formal oath and a material oath; a material oath cannot be broken, the formal oath may be broken. I swore formally. Farewell, fiddlers.

PHILOMUSUS. Farewell, good wags, whose wits praiseworth I deem, Though somewhat waggish; so we all have been.

STUDIOSO. Faith, fellow-fiddlers, here's no silver found in this place; no, not so much as the usual Christmas entertainment of musicians, a black jack of beer and a Christmas pie.

[_They walk aside from their fellows_.

PHILOMUSUS. Where'er we in the wide world playing be, Misfortune bears a part, and mars our melody; Impossible to please with music's strain, Our heart-strings broke are, ne'er to be tun'd again.

STUDIOSO. Then let us leave this baser fiddling trade; For though our purse should mend, our credits fade.

PHILOMUSUS. Full glad am I to see thy mind's free course. Declining from this trencher-waiting trade. Well, may I now disclose in plainer guise What erst I meant to work in secret wise; My busy conscience check'd my guilty soul, For seeking maintenance by base vassalage; And then suggested to my searching thought A shepherd's poor, secure, contented life, On which since then I doated every hour, And meant this same hour in [a] sadder plight, To have stol'n from thee in secrecy of night.

STUDIOSO. Dear friend, thou seem'st to wrong my soul too much, Thinking that Studioso would account That fortune sour which thou accountest sweet; Not[133] any life to me can sweeter be, Than happy swains in plain of Arcady.

PHILOMUSUS. Why, then, let's both go spend our little store In the provision of due furniture, A shepherd's hook, a tar-box, and a scrip: And haste unto those sheep-adorned hills, Where if not bless our fortunes, we may bless our wills.

STUDIOSO. True mirth we may enjoy in thacked stall, Nor hoping higher rise, nor fearing lower fall.

PHILOMUSUS. We'll therefore discharge these fiddlers. Fellow-musicians, we are sorry that it hath been your ill-hap to have had us in your company, that are nothing but screech-owls and night-ravens, able to mar the purest melody: and, besides, our company is so ominous that, where we are, thence liberality is packing. Our resolution is therefore to wish you well, and to bid you farewell. Come, Studioso, let us haste away, Returning ne'er to this accursed place.

ACTUS V., SCAENA 3.

_Enter_ INGENIOSO, ACADEMICO.

INGENIOSO. Faith, Academico, it's the fear of that fellow--I mean, the sign of the sergeant's head--that makes me to be so hasty to be gone. To be brief, Academico, writs are out for me to apprehend me for my plays; and now I am bound for the Isle of Dogs. Furor and Phantasma comes after, removing the camp as fast they can. Farewell, _mea si quid vota valebunt_.

ACADEMICO. Faith, Ingenioso, I think the university is a melancholic life; for there a good fellow cannot sit two hours in his chamber, but he shall be troubled with the bill of a drawer or a vintner. But the point is, I know not how to better myself, and so I am fain to take it.

ACTUS V., SCAENA 4.

PHILOMUSUS, STUDIOSO, FUROR, PHANTASMA.

PHILOMUSUS. Who have we there? Ingenioso and Academico?

STUDIOSO. The very same; who are those? Furor and Phantasma?

[FUROR _takes a louse off his sleeve_.

FUROR. And art thou there, six-footed Mercury?

[PHANTASMA, _with his hand in his bosom_.

Are rhymes become such creepers nowadays? Presumptuous louse, that doth good manners lack, Daring to creep upon poet Furor's back!

_Multum refert quibuscum vixeris:
Non videmus manticae quod in tergo est_.

PHILOMUSUS. What, Furor and Phantasma too, our old college fellows? Let us encounter them all. Ingenioso, Academico, Furor, Phantasma, God save you all.

STUDIOSO. What, Ingenioso, Academico, Furor, Phantasma, how do you, brave lads?

INGENIOSO. What, our dear friends Philomusus and Studioso?

ACADEMICO. What, our old friends Philomusus and Studioso?

FUROR. What, my supernatural friends?

INGENIOSO. What news with you in this quarter of the city?

PHILOMUSUS. We've run[134] through many trades, yet thrive by none, Poor in content, and only rich in moan. A shepherd's life, thou know'st I wont t'admire, Turning a Cambridge apple by the fire: To live in humble dale we now are bent, Spending our days in fearless merriment.

STUDIOSO. We'll teach each tree, ev'n of the hardest kind, To keep our woful name within their rind: We'll watch our flock, and yet we'll sleep withal: We'll tune our sorrows to the water's fall. The woods and rocks with our shrill songs we'll bless; Let them prove kind, since men prove pitiless. But say, whither are you and your company jogging? it seems by your apparel you are about to wander.

INGENIOSO. Faith we are fully bent to be lords of misrule in the world's wide heath: our voyage is to the Isle of Dogs, there where the blatant beast doth rule and reign, renting the credit of whom it please. Where serpents' tongues the penmen are to write, Where cats do wawl by day, dogs by night. There shall engorged venom be my ink, My pen a sharper quill of porcupine, My stained paper this sin-loaden earth. There will I write in lines shall never die, Our seared lordings' crying villany.

PHILOMUSUS. A gentle wit thou hadst, nor is it blame To turn so tart, for time hath wrong'd the same.

STUDIOSO. And well thou dost from this fond earth to flit, Where most men's pens are hired parasites.

ACADEMICO. Go happily; I wish thee store of gall Sharply to wound the guilty world withal.

PHILOMUSUS. But say, what shall become of Furor and Phantasma?

INGENIOSO. These my companions still with me must wend.

ACADEMICO. Fury and Fancy on good wits attend.

FUROR. When I arrive within the Isle of Dogs, Dan Phoebus, I will make thee kiss the pump. Thy one eye pries in every draper's stall, Yet never thinks on poet Furor's need. Furor is lousy, great Furor lousy is; I'll make thee rue[135] this lousy case, i-wis. And thou, my sluttish[136] laundress, Cynthia, Ne'er think'st on Furor's linen, Furor's shirt. Thou and thy squirting boy Endymion Lies slav'ring still upon a lawless couch. Furor will have thee carted through the dirt, That mak'st great poet Furor want his shirt.

INGENIOSO. Is not here a trusty[137] dog, that dare bark so boldly at the moon?

PHILOMUSUS. Exclaiming want, and needy care and cark, Would make the mildest sprite to bite and bark.

PHANTASMA. _Canes timidi vehementius latrant_. There are certain burrs in the Isle of Dogs called, in our English tongue, men of worship; certain briars, as the Indians call them; as we say, certain lawyers; certain great lumps of earth, as the Arabians call them; certain grocers, as we term them. _Quos ego--sed motos praestat componere fluctus_.

INGENIOSO. We three unto the snarling island haste, And there our vexed breath in snarling waste.

PHILOMUSUS. We will be gone unto the downs of Kent, Sure footing we shall find in humble dale; Our fleecy flock we'll learn to watch and ward, In July's heat, and cold of January. We'll chant our woes upon an oaten reed, Whiles bleating flock upon their supper feed.

STUDIOSO. So shall we shun the company of men, That grows more hateful, as the world grows old. We'll teach the murm'ring brooks in tears to flow, And steepy rock to wail our passed woe.

ACADEMICO. Adieu, you gentle spirits, long adieu; Your wits I love, and your ill-fortunes rue. I'll haste me to my Cambridge cell again; My fortunes cannot wax, but they may wain.

INGENIOSO. Adieu, good shepherds; happy may you live. And if hereafter in some secret shade You shall recount poor scholars' miseries, Vouchsafe to mention with tear-swelling eyes Ingenioso's thwarting destinies. And thou, still happy Academico, That still may'st rest upon the muses' bed, Enjoying there a quiet slumbering, When thou repair'st[138] unto thy Granta's stream, Wonder at thine own bliss, pity our case, That still doth tread ill-fortune's endless maze; Wish them, that are preferment's almoners, To cherish gentle wits in their green bud; For had not Cambridge been to me unkind, I had not turn'd to gall a milky mind.

PHILOMUSUS. I wish thee of good hap a plenteous store; Thy wit deserves no less, my love can wish no more. Farewell, farewell, good Academico; Ne'er may'st thou taste of our fore-passed woe. We wish thy fortunes may attain their due.-- Furor and you, Phantasma, both adieu,

ACADEMICO. Farewell, farewell, farewell; O, long farewell! The rest my tongue conceals, let sorrow tell.

PHANTASMA. _Et longum vale, inquit Iola_.

FUROR. Farewell, my masters; Furor's a masty dog, Nor can with a smooth glosing farewell cog. Nought can great Furor do but bark and howl, And snarl, and grin, and carl, and touse the world, Like a great swine, by his long, lean-ear'd lugs. Farewell, musty, dusty, rusty, fusty London; Thou art not worthy of great Furor's wit, That cheatest virtue of her due desert, And suffer'st great Apollo's son to want.

INGENIOSO. Nay, stay awhile, and help me to content So many gentle wits' attention, Who ken the laws of every comic stage, And wonder that our scene ends discontent. Ye airy wits subtle, Since that few scholars' fortunes are content, Wonder not if our scene ends discontent. When that your fortunes reach their due content, Then shall our scene end here in merriment.

PHILOMUSUS. Perhaps some happy wit with seely[139] hand Hereafter may record the pastoral Of the two scholars of Parnassus hill, And then our scene may end, and have content.

INGENIOSO. Meantime, if there be any spiteful ghost, That smiles to see poor scholars' miseries, Cold is his charity, his wit too dull: We scorn his censure, he's a jeering gull. But whatsoe'er refined sprites there be, That deeply groan at our calamity: Whose breath is turn'd to sighs, whose eyes are wet, To see bright arts bent to their latest set; Whence never they again their heads shall rear, To bless our art-disgracing hemisphere, Let them. | | FUROR. | Let them. | all give us a plaudite. | PHANTASMA. | Let them.

ACADEMICO. | And none but them. | | PHILOMUSUS. | give us a plaudite. And none but them. | | STUDIOSO. | And none but them. |

FINIS.

WILY BEGUILED.

_EDITION.

A Pleasant Comedie, called Wily Begvilde. The Chiefe Actors be these: A poore scholler, a rich Foole, and a Knaue at a shifte. At London, Printed by H.L. for Clement Knight, and are to be solde at his Shop, in Paules Church-yard, at the signe of the Holy Lambe_. 1606. 4to.

[There were later editions in 1623, 1635, and 1638, all in 4to. That of 1606 is the most correct.

Hawkins, who included this piece in his collection, observes: "_Wily Beguiled_ is a regular and very pleasing Comedy; and if it were judiciously adapted to the manners of the times, would make no contemptible appearance on the modern stage."]

SPECTRUM, THE PROLOGUE.

What, ho! where are these paltry players? still poring in their papers, and never perfect? For shame, come forth; your audience stay so long, their eyes wax dim with expectation.

_Enter one of the_ PLAYERS.

How now, my honest rogue? What play shall we have here to-night?

PLAYER. Sir, you may look upon the title.

PROLOGUE. What, _Spectrum_ once again? Why, noble Cerberus, nothing but patch-panel stuff, old gallymawfries, and cotton-candle eloquence? Out, you bawling bandog! fox-furred slave! you dried stock-fish, you, out of my sight!

[_Exit the_ PLAYER.

Well, 'tis no matter! I'll sit me down and see it; and, for fault of a better, I'll supply the place of a scurvy prologue.

Spectrum is a looking-glass, indeed,
Wherein a man a history may read
Of base conceits and damned roguery:
The very sink of hell-bred villany.

_Enter a_ JUGGLER.

JUGGLER. Why, how now, humorous George? What, as melancholy as a mantle-tree? Will you see any tricks of legerdemain, sleight of hand, cleanly conveyance, or _deceptio visus_? What will you see, gentleman, to drive you out of these dumps.

PROLOGUE. Out, you soused gurnet, you woolfist! Begone, I say, and bid the players despatch, and come away quickly; and tell their fiery poet that, before I have done with him I'll make him do penance upon a stage in a calf's skin.

JUGGLER. O Lord, sir, ye are deceived in me, I am no tale-carrier; I am a juggler. I have the superficial skill of all the seven liberal sciences at my fingers' end. I'll show you a trick of the twelves, and turn him over the thumbs with a trice; I'll make him fly swifter than meditation. I'll show you as many toys as there be minutes in a month, and as many tricks as there be motes in the sun.

PROLOGUE. Prythee, what tricks canst thou do?

JUGGLER. Marry, sir, I will show you a trick of cleanly conveyance--_Hei, fortuna furim nunquam credo_--with a cast of clean conveyance. Come aloft, Jack, for thy master's advantage. He's gone, I warrant ye.

[SPECTRUM _is conveyed away, and_ WILY BEGUILED
_stands in the place of it_.