Chapter XXII: Act V: , Scene I

ALBUMAZAR, RONCA, FURBO, HARPAX.

ALB. How? not a single share of this great prize,
That have deserv'd the whole? was't not my plot
And pains, and you mere instruments and porters?
Shall I have nothing?

RON. No, not a silver spoon.

FUR. Nor cover of a trencher-salt.[346]

HAR. Nor table-napkin.

ALB. Friends, we have kept an honest truth and faith
Long time amongst us: break not the sacred league,
By raising civil theft: turn not your fury
'Gainst your own bowels. Rob your careful master!
Are you not asham'd?

RON. 'Tis our profession,
As yours astrology. "And in the days of old,
_Good morrow, thief_, as welcome was receiv'd,
As now _Your worship_." 'Tis your own instruction.[347]

FUR. "The Spartans held it lawful, and th' Arabians,
So grew Arabia happy, Sparta valiant."

HAR. "The world's a theatre of theft: great rivers
Rob smaller brooks; and them the ocean."

ALB. Have not I wean'd you up from petty larceny,
Dangerous and poor, and nurs'd you to full strength
Of safe and gainful theft? by rules of art
And principles of cheating made you as free
From taking as you went invisible;
And do ye thus requite me? this the reward
For all my watchful care?

RON. We are your scholars,
Made by your help and our own aptness able
To instruct others. 'Tis the trade we live by.
You that are servant to divine astrology,
Do something worth her livery: cast figures,
Make almanacs for all meridians.

FUR. Sell perspicils and instruments of hearing:
Turn clowns to gentlemen; buzzards to falcons,
'ur-dogs to greyhounds; kitchen-maids to ladies.

HAR. Discover more new stars and unknown planets:
Vent them by dozens, style them by the names
Of men that buy such ware. Take lawful courses,
Rather than beg.

ALB. Not keep your honest promise?

RON. "Believe none, credit none: for in this city
No dwellers are but cheaters and cheatees."

ALB. You promis'd me the greatest share.

RON. Our promise!
If honest men by obligations
And instruments of law are hardly constrain'd
T' observe their word, can we, that make profession
Of lawless courses, do't?

ALB. Amongst ourselves!
Falcons, that tyrannise o'er weaker fowl,
Hold peace with their own feathers.

HAR. But when they counter
Upon one quarry,[348] break that league, as we do.

ALB. At least restore the ten pound in gold I lent you.

RON. "'Twas lent in an ill second, worser third,
And luckless fourth:" 'tis lost, Albumazar.

FUR. Saturn was in ascension, Mercury
Was then combust, when you delivered it.
'Twill never be restor'd.

RON. "Hali, Abenezra,
Hiarcha, Brachman, Budda Babylonicus,"
And all the Chaldees and the Cabalists,
Affirm that sad aspect threats loss of debts.

HAR. Frame by your azimuth Almicantarath,
An engine like a mace, whose quality
Of strange retractive virtue may recall
Desperate debts, and with that undo serjeants.

ALB. Was ever man thus baited by's own whelps?
Give me a slender portion, for a stock
To begin trade again.

RON. 'Tis an ill course,
And full of fears. This treasure hath enrich'd us,
And given us means to purchase and live quiet
Of th' fruit of dangers past. When I us'd robbing,
All blocks before me look'd like constables,
And posts appear'd in shape of gallowses;
Therefore, good tutor, take your pupil's counsel:
'Tis better beg than steal; live in poor clothes
Than hang in satin.

ALB. Villains, I'll be reveng'd,
And reveal all the business to a justice!

RON. Do, if thou long'st to see thy own anatomy.

ALB. This treachery persuades me to turn honest.

FUR. Search your nativity; see if the Fortunates
And Luminaries be in a good aspect,
And thank us for thy life. Had we done well,
We had cut thy throat ere this.

ALB. Albumazar,
Trust not these rogues: hence, and revenge.

RON. Fellows, away; here's company. Let's hence. [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

CRICCA, PANDOLFO.

CRI. Now, Cricca, mask thy countenance in joy;
Speak welcome language of good news, and move
Thy master, whose desires are credulous,
To believe what thou giv'st him. If thy design
Land at the haven 'tis bound for, then Lelio,
Eugenio, and their mistresses, are oblig'd
By oath t' assure a state of forty pounds
Upon thee for thy life.

PAN. I long to know
How my good farmer speeds; how Trincalo
Hath been receiv'd by Lelio.

CRI. Where shall I find him?
What we most seek still flies us; what's avoided,
Follows or meets us full. I am emboss'd[349]
With trotting all the streets to find Pandolfo,
And bless him with good news.

PAN. This haste of Cricca
Abodes some good: doubtless my Trincalo,
Receiv'd for Antonio, hath given me Flavia.
Cricca!

CRI. Neither in Paul's,[350] at home, nor in the Exchange,
Nor where he uses to converse! he's lost,
And must be cried.

PAN. Turn hither, Cricca; Cricca,
Seest me not?

CRI. Sir, the news, and haste to tell it,
Had almost blinded me. 'Tis so fortunate,
I dare not pour it all at once upon you,
Lest you should faint, and swoon away with joy:
Your transform'd Trincalo----

PAN. What news of him?

CRI. Enter'd as owner in Antonio's house----

PAN. On.

CRI. Is acknowledg'd by his daughter Flavia
And Lelio for their father.

PAN. Quickly, good Cricca!

CRI. And hath sent me in haste to bid you----

PAN. What?

CRI. Come with your son Eugenio----

PAN. And then?

CRI. That he may be a witness of your marriage.
But, sir, I see no signs of so large gladness
As I expected and this news deserv'd.

PAN. 'Tis here, 'tis here, within: all outward symptoms
And characters of joy are poor expressions
Of my great inward happiness. My heart's full,
And cannot vent the passions. Run, Cricca, run:
Run, as thou lov'st me; call Eugenio,
And work him to my purpose: thou canst do it.
Haste, call him instantly.

CRI. I fly, sir. [_Exit._

SCENE III.[351]

PANDOLFO.

How shall I recompense this astrologer,
This great Albumazar, through whose learned hands
Fortune hath prov'd[352] th' effect of my best wishes,
And crown'd my hopes? Give him this chain?
Alas!
'Tis a poor thanks, short by a thousand links
Of his large merit. No, he must live with me
And my sweet Flavia at his ease and pleasure,
Wanting for nothing: and this very night
I'll get a boy, and he erect a figure
To calculate his fortunes. So, there's Trincalo
Antoniated, or Antonio Intrinculate.

SCENE IV.

ANTONIO, PANDOLFO, LELIO, EUGENIO.

ANT. Signior Pandolfo! welcome.

LEL. Your servant, sir.

PAN. Well-met, Antonio; my prayers and wishes
Have waited on you ever.

ANT. Thanks, dearest friend.
To speak my danger pass'd were to discourse
Of dead men at a feast. Such sad relations
Become not marriages. Sir, I am here
Return'd to do you service. Where's your son?

PAN. He'll wait upon you presently.

EUG. Signior Antonio!
Happily welcome.

ANT. Thanks, Eugenio.
How think you, gentlemen: were it amiss
To call down Flavia and Sulpitia,
That what we do may with a full consent
Be entertain'd of all?

PAN. 'Tis well-remember'd.
Eugenio, call your sister.

ANT. Lelio, call my daughter. [_Exeunt_ LELIO _and_ EUGENIO.

SCENE V.

PANDOLFO, ANTONIO.

PAN. Wisely consider'd, Trincalo; 'tis a fair prologue
To the comedy ensuing. Now I confess
Albumazar had equal power to change
And mend thy understanding with thy body.
Let me embrace and hug thee for this service:
'Tis a brave onset: O my sweet Trincalo!

ANT. How like you the beginning?

PAN. 'Tis o' th' further side
All expectation.

ANT. Was't not right, and spoken
Like old Antonio?

PAN.[353] 'Tis most admirable!
Were't he himself that spoke, he could not better't.
And for thy sake I wish Antonio's shape
May ever be thy house, and's wit thy inmate.
But where's my plate and cloth of silver?

ANT. Safe.

PAN. They come. Keep state, keep state, or all's discover'd.

SCENE VI.

ANTONIO, PANDOLFO, EUGENIO, LELIO, FLAVIA, SULPITIA.

ANT. Eugenio, Flavia, Lelio, and Sulpitia,
Marriages, once confirm'd and consummate,
Admit of no repentance. Therefore 'tis fitting
All parties with full freedom speak their pleasure,
Before it be too late.

PAN. Good! excellent!

ANT. Speak boldly, therefore. Do you willingly
Give full authority, that what I decree
Touching these businesses, you'll all perform?

EUG. I rest as you dispose: what you determine,
With my best power I ratify; and Sulpitia,
I dare be bold to promise, says no less.

SUL. Whate'er my father, brother, and yourself
Shall think convenient, pleaseth me.

LEL. In this,
As in all other service, I commit myself
To your commands; and so, I hope, my sister.

FLA. With all obedience: sir, dispose of me
As of a child that judgeth nothing good,
But what you shall approve.

ANT. And you, Pandolfo?

PAN. I, most of all. And for you know[354] the minds
Of youth are apt to promise, and as prone
To repent after, 'tis my advice they swear
T' observe, without exception, your decree.

FLA. Content.

SUL. Content.

PAN. By all the powers that hear
Oaths, and rain vengeance upon broken faith,
I promise to confirm and ratify
Your sentence.

LEL. Sir, I swear no less.

EUG. Nor I.

FLA. The selfsame oath binds me.

SUL. And me the same.

PAN. Now, dear Antonio, all our expectation

Hangs at your mouth. None of us can appeal
From you to higher courts.

ANT. First, for preparative
Or slight præludium to the greater matches,
I must entreat you, that my Armellina
Be match'd with Trincalo. Two hundred crowns
I give her for her portion.

PAN. 'Tis done. Some relics
Of his old clownery and dregs o' th' country
Dwell in him still. How careful he provides
For himself first. [_Aside._] Content: and more, I grant him
A lease for twenty pounds a year.

ANT. I thank you.
Gentlemen, since I feel myself much broken
With age and my late miseries, and too cold
To entertain new heat, I freely yield
Sulpitia, whom I lov'd, to my son Lelio.

PAN. How cunningly hath the farmer provided
T' observe the 'semblance of Antonio's person,
And keep himself still free for Armellina!

ANT. Signior Pandolfo, y' are wise, and understand
How ill hot appetites of unbridled youth
Become grey hairs. How grave and honourable
Were't for your age to be enamour'd
With the fair shape of virtue and the glory
Of our forefathers! Then would you blush to think
How by this dotage and unequal love
You stain their honour and your own. Awake!
Banish those wild affections, and by my example
Turn t' your reposed self.

PAN. To what purpose, pray you,
Serves this long proem? on to th' sentence.

ANT. Sir,
Conformity of years, likeness of manners,
Are Gordian knots that bind up matrimony:
Now, betwixt seventy winters and sixteen
There's no proportion, nor least hope of love.
Fie! that a gentleman of your discretion,
Crown'd with such reputation in your youth,
Should in your western days[355] lose th' good opinion
Of all your friends, and run to th' open danger
Of closing the weak remnant of your days
With discontentment[356] unrecoverable.

PAN. Rack me no more; pray you, let's hear the sentence.
Note how the ass would fright me, and endear
His service: intimating that his pow'r
May overthrow my hopes. [_Aside._] Proceed to th' sentence.

ANT. These things consider'd, I bestow my daughter
Upon your son Eugenio, whose constant love,
With his so modest carriage, hath deserv'd her;
And, that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you with patience.

PAN. Treacherous villain!
Accursed Trincalo! [_Aside._] I'll---- But this no place;
He's too well back'd; but shortly, when the date
Of his Antonioship's expir'd, revenge
Shall sweeten this disgrace.

ANT. Signior Pandolfo,
When you recover yourself, lost desperately
In disproportion'd dotage, then you'll thank me
For this great favour. Be not obstinate:
Disquiet not yourself.

PAN. I thank you, sir. [_Exeunt all but_ PANDOLFO.

SCENE VII.

PANDOLFO.

_And that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you with patience!_ Traitorous villain!
Is't not enough to wrong me and betray me,
But 't must be done with scoffs? accursed Trincalo!
And me most miserable that, when I thought
T' embrace young Flavia, see her before my face
Bestow'd upon my son! my son--my rival!
This is Eugenio's plot and his friend Lelio's;
Who, with my servant Cricca, have conspir'd,
And suborn'd Trincalo to betray his master.
Why do I rage 'gainst any but myself,
That have committed such a serious business
To th' hands of a base clown and ignorant?
I see mine error, but no means to help it.
Only the sweetness of revenge is left me,
Which I must execute: th' hours of's gentry
Are now clean spent. I'll home, and there attend him. [_Exit._

SCENE VIII.

TRINCALO _drunk, but something recovered_.

TRIN. Welcome, old trusty Trincalo; good farmer, welcome! Give me thy hand; we must not part hereafter. Fie, what a trouble 'tis to be out of a man's self! If gentlemen have no pleasure but what I felt to-day, a team of horses shall not drag me out of my profession. There's nothing amongst them but borrowing, compounding for half their debts, and have their purse cut for the rest; cozened by whores, frighted with husbands, washed in wet hogsheads, cheated of their clothes, and falling in cellars for conclusion.

SCENE IX.

PANDOLFO _at the window_, TRINCALO.

PAN. O precious piece of villany! are you unchang'd?
How confident the rogue dares walk the streets!

TRIN. And then such quarrelling! never a suit I wore to-day but hath been soundly basted: only this faithful country-case 'scaped fist-free; and, be it spoken in a good hour, was never beaten yet, since it came from fulling.

PAN. Base, treacherous villain! [_Beats him._

TRIN. Is this the recompense of my day's work?

PAN. You marry me to patience! there's patience,
And that you freeze not, there's warm patience,
She's a good bed-fellow: have patience.

TRIN. You'll beat me out on't, sir. How have
I wrong'd you?

PAN. So as deserves th' expression of my fury,
With th' cruel'st tortures I can execute.

TRIN. You kill me, sir.

PAN. Have patience.

TRIN. Pray you, sir!

PAN. Seek not by humble penitence t' appease me:
Nothing can satisfy.

TRIN. Farewell, humility;
Now am I beaten sober. [_Takes away_ PANDOLFO's _staff_.
Shall age and weakness master my youth and strength?
Now speak your pleasure: what's my fault?

PAN. Dar'st deny
Thy own act, done before so many witnesses,
Suborn'd by others, and betray my confidence
With such a stony impudence?

TRIN. I have been faithful
In all you trusted me.

PAN. To them, not me.
O, what a proem, stuff'd with grave advice
And learned counsel, you could show'r upon me
Before the thunder of your deadly sentence!
And give away my mistress with a scoff!

TRIN. I give your mistress?

PAN. Didst not thou decree,
Contrary t' our compact, against my marriage?

TRIN. Why, when was I your judge?

PAN. Just now here.

TRIN. See your error!
Then was I fast lock'd in Antonio's cellar:
Where, making virtue of necessity,
I drank stark drunk, and waking, found myself
Cloth'd in this farmer's suit, as in the morning.

PAN. Didst not thou swear to enter Antonio's house,
And give me Flavia for my wife, and after,
Before my own face, gav'st her to my son?

TRIN. Ha, ha, ha!
[_Whilst_ TRINCALO _laughs and lets fall the staff_,
PANDOLFO _recovers it, and beats him_.

PAN. Canst thou deny it?

TRIN. Ha, ha, ha!
Have you got Mistress Patience? Ha, ha, ha!

PAN. Is not this true?

TRIN. Ha, ha, ha!

PAN. Answer me.

TRIN. Ha, ha, ha wan!

PAN. Was't not thus?

TRIN. I answer: first,
I never was transform'd,
But gull'd, as you were, by th' astrologer,
And those that called me Antonio. To prove
This true, the gentleman you spoke with was Antonio--
The right Antonio, safely return'd from Barbary.

PAN. O me, what's this?

TRIN. Truth itself.

PAN. Was't not thou that gav'st the sentence?

TRIN. Believe me, no such matter:
I ne'er was gentleman, nor otherwise
Than what I am, unless 'twere when I was drunk.

PAN. How have I been deceiv'd! good Trincalo,
Pardon me, I have wrong'd thee.

TRIN. Pardon you?
When you have beaten me to paste, _Good Trincalo,
Pardon me!_

PAN. I am sorry for't; excuse me.

TRIN. I am sorry I can't[357] excuse you. But I pardon you.

PAN. Now tell me, where's the plate and cloth of silver,
The gold and jewels, that the astrologer
Committed to thy keeping?

TRIN. What plate, what jewels?
He gave me none. But, when he went to change me,
After a thousand circles and ceremonies,
He binds me fast upon a form, and blinds me
With a thick table-napkin. Not long after
Unbinds my head and feet, and gives me light;
And then I plainly saw that I saw nothing:
The parlour was clean swept of all was in't.

PAN. O me! O me!

TRIN. What ails you, sir? what ails you?

PAN. I am undone! I have lost my love, my plate,
My whole estate, and with the rest myself.

TRIN. Lose not your patience too. Leave this lamenting,
And lay the town; you may recover it.

PAN. 'Tis to small purpose. In, and hold thy peace.
[_Exit_ TRINCALO.

SCENE X.

CRICCA, PANDOLFO.

CRI. Where shall I find my master, to content him
With welcome news? he's here. News, news?
News of good fortune, joy, and happiness!

PAN. Cricca, my sadness is uncapable
Of better tidings: I am undone! most miserable!

CRI. Offend not your good luck, y' are now more fortunate
Than when you rose this morning: be merry, sir,
Cheer up yourself; y' have what you wish'd, fear nothing.

PAN. Maybe, Antonio newly repents himself,
With purpose to restore my Flavia.
Cricca, what is't? where's all this happiness?

CRI. Lock'd in Antonio's closet.

PAN. All alone?
Sure, that's my Flavia. Is not Eugenio
Suffer'd to enter?

CRI. Antonio keeps the key:
No creature enters but himself: all's safe,
And shall be so restor'd.

PAN. O my sweet Cricca!

CRI. And they that wrong'd you most extremely sorry,
Ready to yield you any satisfaction.

PAN. Is't possible they should so soon repent them,
That injur'd me so lately? tell me the manner
That caus'd them see their error.

CRI. I'll tell you, sir:
Being just now at old Antonio's house,
One thunders at the back-door, enters, presses
To speak in private with young Lelio;
Was instantly admitted: and think you, who?
'Twas your astrologer Albumazar.
When he had spoke awhile, Lelio and Antonio
In haste command me fetch a constable.

PAN. How can this story touch my happiness?

CRI. I up and down, through slimy ale-houses,
Cloudy tobacco-shops and vapouring taverns,
My mouth full of inquiry, at last found one.

PAN. What of all this? Is't possible a constable
Concerns my good?

CRI. And, following my directions,
Went to a tippling-house, where we took drinking
Three handsome fellows with a great chest, attach'd them,
And brought all to Antonio.

PAN. Well, what then?

CRI. These were the astrologer's intelligences that
Robb'd you through the south window.

PAN. I thought thou hadst spoke
Of Flavia's restoring.

CRI. I mean your plate
And treasure. Pray you, sir, is't not great happiness
To reobtain three thousand pounds in value,
Desperately lost? and you still doat and dream
Of Flavia who, by your own consent
And oath, is promised to your son Eugenio.

PAN. Forward.

CRI. Within this chest Antonio found your plate,
Gold jewels, cloth of silver, nothing perish'd,
But all safe lock'd, till you acknowledge it.
And since Albumazar of his own accord
Freely confess'd, and safe restor'd your treasure;
Since 'tis a day of jubilee and marriage,
Antonio would entreat you to release
And pardon the astrologer: thanking your fortune,
That hath restor'd you to your wealth and self.
Both which were lost i' th' foolish love of Flavia.

PAN. Reason hath clear'd my sight, and drawn the veil,
Of dotage, that so dark'd my understanding.
I clearly see the slavery of affections;
And how unsuitable my declining years
Are for the dawning youth of Flavia.
Let the best joys of Hymen compass her
And her young husband (my Eugenio),
With full content. And since Albumazar
By accident caus'd all this happiness,
I freely pardon him and his companions;
And haste to assist the marriages and feasts.

CRI. Why, now you show yourself a worthy gentleman.
[_Exit_ PANDOLFO.

SCENE XI.

TRINCALO, CRICCA.

TRI. Cricca, I overheard your news: all parts are pleas'd
Except myself. Is there no news for Trincalo?

CRI. Know'st it not? in and see: Antonio
Hath given thee Armellina with a portion--
Two hundred crowns; and old Pandolfo bound
By oath t' assure thee twenty pounds a year
For three lives.

TRIN. Ha!

CRI. Come in.

TRIN. I'll follow.

FOOTNOTES:

[346] The salt-cellar which used to be set on tables was generally
large. Sometimes, however, a smaller sort would be used, and then
several were employed, which were set nearer the trenchers, and
therefore called _trencher-salts_, as here.--_Pegge._

[347] [Compare p. 302.]

[348] A term of falconry. Latham says, "It is taken for the fowle
which is flowne at and slaine at any time."

[349] This is a term of the chase. Gascoigne, in his book of hunting,
1575, p. 242, enumerates it among "other generall termes of the hart
and his properties. When he (the hart) is foamy at the mouth, we saye
that _he is embost_." So in "The Shoemakers' Holiday; or, The Gentle
Craft," 1610, sig. C 3--

"Besides, the miller's boy told me even now,
He saw him take soile, and he hallowed him,
Affirming him so _embost_,
That long he could not hold."

See also Mr Steevens's note to "All's Well that Ends Well," act iii.
sc. 6.

[350] St Paul's, at this time, was constantly open, and the resort
equally of the busy and the idle. A contemporary writer thus describes
_Paul's Walke:_ It "is the land's epitome, or you may call it the
lesser ile of Great Brittaine. It is more than this, the whole world's
map, which you may here discerne in it's perfect'st motion, justling
and turning. It is a heape of stones and men, with a vast confusion of
languages; and, were the steeple not sanctified, nothing liker Babel.
The noyse in it is like that of bees, a strange humming or buzze, mixt
of walking, tongues, and feet. It is a kind of still roare, or loud
whisper. It is the great exchange of all discourse, and no busines
whatsoever but is here stirring and afoot. It is the synod of all
pates politicke, joynted and laid together in the most serious
posture; and they are not halfe so busie at the Parliament. It is the
anticke of tailes to tailes, and backes to backes, and for vizards,
you need goe no further than faces. It is the market of young
lecturers, whom you may cheapen here at all rates and sizes. It is the
generall mint of all famous lies, which are here, like the legends
popery first coyned and stampt in the church. All inventions are
emptyed here, and not few pockets. The best signe of a temple in it
is, that it is the theeves sanctuary, which robbe more safely in the
croud then a wildernesse, whilst every searcher is a bush to hide
them. It is the other expence of the day, after playes, taverne, and a
baudy house, and men have still some oathes left to sweare here. It is
the eares brothell, and satisfies their lust and ytch. The visitants
are all men, without exceptions; but the principall inhabitants and
possessors are stale knights, and captaines out of service; men of
long rapiers and breeches, which after all turne merchants here, and
trafficke for newes. Some make it a preface to their dinner, and
travell for a stomacke: but thriftier men make it their ordinarie, and
boord here verie cheape. Of all such places it is least haunted with
hobgoblins, for if a ghost would walke more, he could not."--_Earle's
"Microcosmographie_," 1628.

[351] The division of this scene is not marked in the old copies, but
it is decidedly right, and the numbers of the scenes in the quartos
are from two to four, omitting three.--_Collier._

[352] [Old copy, _powr'd._]

[353] Pandolfo's name is omitted in the quartos before the following
lines, which are certainly meant to be spoken by him.--_Collier._

[354] _i.e._, Because you know--a very common mode of expression.

[355] _i.e._, When you are declining like the sun, which sets in the
west.--_Steevens._

[356] The instances are very numerous throughout this play where Mr
Dodsley, and after him Mr Reed, omitted syllables, and thereby spoiled
the measure: thus this line ran till now--

"With discontent unrecoverable,"

instead, of _discontentment_.

[357] Old copy, _must_.