Chapter I: Act I: , Scene I

_Enter, as making themselves ready, +Tim Bloodhound+,
and +Sim+ the man._

+Sim.+ Good morrow, Master Tim.

+Tim.+ Morrow, Sim; my father stirring, Sim?

+Sim.+ Not yet, I think; he heard some ill-news of your
brother Alexander last night, that will make him lie an hour
extraordinary.

+Tim.+ Hum: I'm sorry the old man should lie by the hour; but,
O, these wicked elder brothers, that swear refuse them,[1]
and drink nothing but wicked sack; when we swear nothing but
niggers-noggers, make a meal of a bloat herring, water it with
four-shillings' beer, and then swear we have dined as well as
my lord mayor.

+Sim.+ Here was goody Fin, the fishwoman, fetched home her ring
last night.

+Tim.+ You should have put her money by itself, for fear of
wronging of the whole heap.

+Sim.+ So I did, sir, and washed it first in two waters.

+Tim.+ All these petty pawns, sirrah, my father commits to my
managing, to instruct me in this craft that, when he dies, the
commonwealth may not[2] want a good member.

_Enter +Mistress Mary+._

+Sim.+ Nay, you are cursed as much as he already.

+Mis. Mary.+ O brother, 'tis well you are up.

+Tim.+ Why, why?

+Mis. Mary.+ Now you shall see the dainty widow, the sweet
widow, the delicate widow, that to-morrow morning must be our
mother-in-law.

+Tim.+ What, the widow Wag?

+Sim.+ Yes, yes; she that dwells in Blackfriars, next to the
sign of the Fool laughing at a feather.[3]

+Mis. Mary.+ She, she; good brother, make yourself handsome,
for my father will bring her hither presently.

+Tim.+ Niggers-noggers, I thought he had been sick, and had not
been up, Sim.

+Sim.+ Why, so did I too; but it seems the widow took him at a
better hand, and raised him so much the sooner.

+Tim.+ While I tie my band, prythee stroke up my foretop a
little: niggers, an' I had but dreamed of this an hour before
I waked, I would have put on my Sunday clothes. 'Snails, my
shoes are pale as the cheek of a stewed pander; a clout, a
clout, Sim.

+Sim.+ More haste the worse speed; here's ne'er a clout now.

+Tim.+ What's that lies by the hooks?

+Sim.+ This? 'tis a sumner's coat.[4]

+Tim.+ Prythee, lend's a sleeve of that; he had a noble on't
last night, and never paid me my bill-money.

_Enter +Old Bloodhound+, the +Widow+, her +Maid+,
and +Man+._[5]

+Blood.+ Look, look, up[6] and ready; all is ready, widow. He
is in some deep discourse with Sim, concerning moneys out to
one or another.

+Wid.+ Has he said his prayers, sir?

+Blood.+ Prayer before providence! When did ye know any thrive
and swell that uses it? He's a chip o' th' old block; I
exercise him in the trade of thrift, by turning him to all the
petty pawns. If they come to me, I tell them I have given over
brokering, moiling for muck and trash, and that I mean to live
a life monastic, a praying life: pull out the tale of Crœsus
from my pocket, and swear 'tis called "Charity's Looking-Glass,
or an exhortation to forsake the world."

+Maid.+ Dainty hypocrite! [_Aside._

+Wid.+ Peace!

+Blood.+ But let a fine fool that's well-feathered come,
and withal good meat, I have a friend, it may be, that may
compassionate his wants. I'll tell you an old saw[7] for't over
my chimney yonder--

_A poor man seem to him that's poor,
And prays thee for to lend;
But tell the prodigal (not quite spent)
Thou wilt procure a friend._

+Wid.+ Trust me, a thrifty saw.

+Blood.+ Many will have virtuous admonitions on their walls,
but not a piece in their coffers: give me these witty politic
saws; and indeed my house is furnished with no other.

+Wid.+ How happy shall I be to wed such wisdom!

+Blood.+ Shalt bed it, shalt bed it, wench; shalt ha't by
infusion. Look, look!

_Enter a +Smith+._

+Smith.+ Save ye, Master Tim.

+Tim.+ Who's this? goodman File, the blacksmith! I thought it
had been our old collier. Did you go to bed with that dirty
face, goodman File?

+Smith.+ And rise with it too, sir.

+Tim.+ What have you bumming out there, goodman File?

+Smith.+ A vice, sir, that I would fain be furnished with a
little money upon.

+Tim.+ Why, how will you do to work then, goodman File?

+Smith.+ This is my spare vice, not that I live by.

+Tim.+ Hum! you did not buy this spare vice of a lean courtier,
did ye?

+Smith.+ No, sir, of a fat cook, that 'strained[8] of a smith
for's rent.

+Sim.+ O hard-hearted man of grease!

+Tim.+ Nay, nay, Sim, we must do't sometimes.

+Blood.+ Ha, thrifty whoreson!

+Tim.+ And what would serve your turn, goodman File?

+Smith.+ A noble, sir.

+Tim.+ What! upon a spare vice to lend a noble?

+Sim.+ Why, sir, for ten groats you may make yourself drunk,
and so buy a vice outright for half the money.

+Tim.+ That is a noble vice, I assure you.

+Sim.+ How long would you have it?

+Smith.+ But a fortnight; 'tis to buy stuff, I protest, sir.

+Tim.+ Look you, being a neighbour, and born one for another----

+Blood.+ Ha, villain, shalt have all!

+Tim.+ There is five shillings upon't, which, at the
fortnight's end, goodman File, you must make five shillings
sixpence.

+Smith.+ How, sir?

+Tim.+ Nay, an' it were not to do you a courtesy----

+Blood.+ Ha, boy!

+Tim.+ And then I had forgot threepence for my bill; so there
is four shillings and ninepence,[9] which you are to tender
back five shillings sixpence, goodman File, at the end of the
fortnight.

+Smith.+ Well, an' it were not for earnest necessity----Ha,
boys! I come, I come, you black rascals, let the cans go round.
[_Exit +Smith+._

+Tim.+ Sim, because the man's an honest man, I pray lay up his
vice, as safe as it were our own.

+Sim.+ And if he miss his day, and forfeit, it shall be yours
and your heirs for ever.

+Blood.+ What, disbursing money, boy? Here is thy mother-in-law.

+Sim.+ Your nose drops: 'twill spoil her ruff.

+Tim.+ Pray, forsooth, what's a clock?

+Maid.+ O, fie upon him, mistress, I thought he had begun to
ask you blessing.

+Wid.+ Peace, we'll have more on't. [_Walks towards him._

+Tim.+ I wonnot kiss, indeed.

+Sim.+ An' he wonnot, here are those that will, forsooth.

+Blood.+ Get you in, you rogue. [_Exit +Sim.+_

+Wid.+ I hope you will, sir: I was bred in Ireland, where the
women begin the salutation.

+Tim.+ I wonnot kiss truly.

+Wid.+ Indeed you must.

+Tim.+ Would my girdle may break if I do.[10]

+Wid.+ I have a mind.

+Tim.+ Niggers-noggers, I wonnot.

+Blood.+ Nay, nay, now his great oath's pass'd, there's no talk on't.
I like him ne'er the worse; there's an old saw for't--

_A kiss first, next the feeling sense,
Crack say the purse-strings, out fly the pence._

But he can talk, though: whose boy are you, Tim?

+Tim.+ Your boy, forsooth, father.

+Blood.+ Can you turn and wind a penny, Tim?

+Tim.+ Better than yourself, forsooth, father.

+Blood.+ You have looked in the church-book of late; how old
are you, Tim?

+Tim.+ Two and twenty years, three months, three days, and
three quarters of an hour, forsooth, father.

+Wid.+ He has arithmetic.

+Blood.+ And grammar too: what's Latin for your head, Tim?

+Tim.+ _Caput._

+Wid.+ But what for the head of a block?

+Tim.+ _Caput_ blockhead.

+Blood.+ Do you hear; your ear?

+Tim.+ _Aura._

+Blood.+ Your eye?

+Tim.+ _Oculus._

+Blood.+ That's for one eye; what's Latin for two?

+Tim.+ _Oculus-Oculus._[11]

+Widow.+ An admirable accidental grammarian, I protest, sir.

+Blood.+ This boy shall have all: I have an elder rogue that
sucks and draws me; a tavern academian; one that protests to
whores, and shares with highway lawyers; an arrant unclarified
rogue, that drinks nothing but wicked sack.

_Enter +Sim+ and +Alexander+ drunk._

+Sim.+ Here's a gentleman would speak with you.

+Blood.+ Look, look; now he's come for more money.

+Wid.+ A very hopeful house to match into, wench; the father a
knave, one son a drunkard, and t'other a fool. [_Aside._

+Tim.+ O monster, father! Look if he be not drunk; the very
sight of him makes me long for a cup of six.[12]

+Alex.+ Pray, father, pray to God to bless me. [_To +Tim+._

+Blood.+ Look, look! takes his brother for his father!

+Sim.+ Alas, sir! when the drink's in, the wit's out? and none
but wise children know their own fathers.

+Tim.+ Why, I am none of your father, brother; I am Tim; do you
know Tim?

+Alex.+ Yes, umph--for a coxcomb.

+Wid.+ How wild he looks! Good sir, we'll take our leaves.

+Blood.+ Shalt not go, faith, widow: you cheater, rogue;
must I have my friends frighted out of my house by you? Look
he[13] steal nothing to feast his bawds. Get you out, sirrah!
there are constables, beadles, whips, and the college of
extravagants, yclept Bridewell, you rogue; you rogue, there is,
there is, mark that.

+Alex.+ Can you lend me a mark upon this ring, sir? and there
set it down in your book, and, umph--mark that.

+Blood.+ I'll have no stolen rings picked out of pockets, or
taken upon the way,[14] not I.

+Alex.+ I'll give you an old saw for't.

+Blood.+ There's a rogue mocks his father: sirrah, get you
gone. Sim, go let loose the mastiff.

+Sim.+ Alas, sir! he'll tear and pull out your son's throat.

+Blood.+ Better pull't out than halter stretch it. Away, out of
my doors! rogue, I defy thee.

+Alex.+ Must you be my mother-in-law?

+Wid.+ So your father says, sir.

+Alex.+ You see the worst of your eldest son; I abuse nobody.

+Blood.+ The rogue will fall upon her.

+Alex.+ I will tell you an old saw.

+Wid.+ Pray let's hear it.

+Alex.+

_An old man is a bedful of bones,
And who can it deny?
By whom (umph)[15] a young wench lies and groans
For better company._

+Blood.+ Did you ever hear such a rascal? Come, come, let's
leave him: I'll go buy thy wedding-ring presently. You're best
be gone, sirrah: I am going for the constable--ay, and one of
the churchwardens; and, now I think on't, he shall pay five
shillings to the poor for being drunk: twelve pence shall go
into the box, and t'other four my partner and I will share
betwixt us. There's a new path to thrift, wench; we must live,
we must live, girl.

+Wid.+ And at last die for all together.

[_Exeunt +Bloodhound+, +Widow+, +Maid+, and +Man+._

+Sim.+ 'Tis a diamond.[16] [_Aside._

+Tim.+ You'll be at the Fountain[17] after dinner?

+Alex.+ While 'twill run, boy.

+Tim.+ Here's a noble now, and I'll bring you t'other as I come
by to the tavern; but I'll make you swear I shall drink nothing
but small beer.

+Alex.+ Niggers-noggers, thou shalt not; there's thine own oath
for thee: thou shalt eat nothing, an' thou wilt, but a poached
spider, and drive it down with syrup of toads. [_Exit._

+Tim.+ Ah! prythee, Sim, bid the maid eat my breakfast herself.
[_Exit._

+Sim.+ H' has turned his stomach, for all the world like a
Puritan's at the sight of a surplice.[18] But your breakfast
shall be devoured by a stomach of a stronger constitution, I
warrant you. [_Exit._

_Enter +Captain Carvegut+ and +Lieutenant
Bottom+._[19]

+Capt.+ No game abroad this morning? This
Coxcomb park,[20] I think, be past the best: I have
known the time the bottom 'twixt those hills has
been better fledged.

+Lieut.+ Look out, Captain, there's matter of
employment at foot o' th' hill.

+Capt.+ A business?

+Lieut.+ Yes, and hopeful. There's a morning
bird, his flight, it seems, for London: he halloos
and sings sweetly: prythee, let's go and put him
out of tune.

+Capt.+ Thee and I have crotchets in our pates;
and thou knowest two crotchets make one quaver;[21]
he shall shake for't. [_Exeunt._

_Enter +Randall+._

+Ran.+

_Did hur not see hur true loves,
As hur came from London?
O, if hur saw not hur fine prave loves,
Randall is quite undone._

Well, was never mortal man in Wales could have waged praver,
finers, and nimblers, than Randalls have done, to get service
in Londons: whoope, where was hur now? just upon a pridge of
stone, between the legs of a couple of pretty hills, but no
more near mountains in Wales, than Clim of the Clough's bow to
hur cozen David's harp. And now hur prattle of Davie, I think
yonder come prancing down the hills from Kingston a couple of
hur t'other cozens, Saint Nicholas' clerks;[22] the morning was
so red as an egg, and the place fery full of dangers, perils,
and bloody businesses by reports: augh! her swords was trawn;
Cod pless us! and hur cozen Hercules was not stand against
two. Which shall hur take? If they take Randalls, will rip
Randalls cuts out; and then Randalls shall see Paul's steeples
no more; therefore hur shall go directly under the pridge, here
was but standing to knees in little fine cool fair waters; and
by cat, if hur have Randalls out, hur shall come and fetch
Randalls, and hur will, were hur nineteen Nicholas' clerks.
[_Exit._

_Enter +Captain+ and +Lieutenant+._

+Lieut.+ Which way took he?

+Capt.+ On straight, I think.

+Lieut.+ Then we should see him, man; he was just in mine eye
when we were at foot o' th' hill, and, to my thinking, stood
here looking towards us upon the bridge.

+Capt.+ So thought I; but with the cloud of dust we raised
about us, with the speed our horses made, it seems we lost him.
Now I could stamp, and bite my horse's ears off.

+Lieut.+ Let's spur towards Coomb House:[23] he struck that
way; sure, he's not upon the road.

+Capt.+ 'Sfoot, if we miss him, how shall we keep our word
with Saunder Bloodhound in Fleet Street, after dinner, at the
Fountain? he's out of cash; and thou know'st, by Cutter's
law,[24] we are bound to relieve one another.

+Lieut.+ Let's scour towards Coomb House; but if we miss him?

+Capt.+ No matter; dost see yonder barn o' th' left hand?

+Lieut.+ What of that?

+Capt.+ At the west end I tore a piece of board out,
And stuff'd in close amongst the straw a bag
Of a hundred pound at least, all in round shillings,
Which I made my last night's purchase from a lawyer.

+Lieut.+ Dost know the place to fetch it again?

+Capt.+ The torn board is my landmark; if we miss this,
We make for that; and, whilst that lasts, O London,
Thou labyrinth that puzzlest strictest search,
Convenient inns-of-court for highway-lawyers,
How with rich wine, tobacco, and sweet wenches,
We'll canvas thy dark case!

+Lieut.+ Away, let's spur. [_Exeunt._

_Enter +Randall+._

+Ran.+ Spur did hur call hur? have made Randalls stand without
poots in fery pitiful pickles; but hur will run as nimbles to
Londons as creyhound after rabbits. And yet, now hur remember
what hur cozens talkt, was some wiser and some, too, Randalls
heard talk of parn upon left hand, and a prave bag with hundred
pounds in round shillings, Cod pless us! And yonder was parns,
and upon left hands too: now here was questions and demands to
be made, why Randalls should not rob them would rob Randalls?
hur will go to parns, pluck away pords, pull out pags, and
show hur cozen a round pair of heels, with all hur round
shillings; mark hur now. [_Exit._

_Enter +Captain+ and +Lieutenant+._

+Lieut.+ The rogue rose[25] right, and has outstripped us. This
was staying in Kingston with our unlucky hostess, that must be
dandled, and made drunk next her heart; she made us slip the
very cream o' th' morning: if anything stand awkward, a woman's
at one end on't.

+Capt.+ Come, we've a hundred pieces good yet in the barn; they
shall last us and Sander[26] a month's mirth at least.

+Lieut.+ O these sweet hundred pieces! how I will kiss you and
hug you with the zeal a usurer does his bastard money when he
comes from church. Were't not for them, where were our hopes?
But come, they shall be sure to thunder in the taverns. I but
now, just now, see pottle-pots thrown down the stairs, just
like serjeants and yeomen, one i' th' neck of another.

+Capt.+ Delicate vision! [_Exeunt._

_Enter +Randall+._

+Ran.+ Hur have got hur pag and all by the hand, and hur had
ferily thought in conscience, had not been so many round
sillings in whole worlds, but in Wales: 'twas time to supply
hur store, hur had but thirteenpence halfpenny in all the
worlds, and that hur have left in hur little white purse, with
a rope hur found py the parn, just in the place hur had this.
Randalls will be no servingmans now; hur will buy her prave
parels, prave swords, prave taggers, and prave feathers, and go
a-wooing to prave, comely, pretty maids. Rob Randalls, becat!
and hur were ten dozen of cousins, Randalls rob hur; mark hur
now. [_Exit._

_Enter +Captain+ and +Lieutenant+._

+Lieut.+ A plague of Friday mornings! the most unfortunate day
in the whole week.

+Capt.+ Was ever the like fate? 'sfoot, when I put it in, I was
so wary, though it were midnight, that I watched till a cloud
had masked the moon, for fear she should have seen't.

+Lieut.+ O luck!

+Capt.+ A gale of wind did but creep o'er the bottom, and,
because I heard things stir, I stayed; 'twas twelve score past
me.

+Lieut.+ The pottle-pots will sleep in peace to-night.

+Capt.+ And the sweet clinks.

+Lieut.+ The clattering of pipes.

+Capt.+ The Spanish fumes.

+Lieut.+ The _More wine, boy_, the nimble _Anon, anon, sir_.[27]

+Capt.+ All to-night will be nothing; come, we must shift.
'Sfoot, what a witty rogue 'twas to leave this fair
thirteenpence halfpenny and this old halter; intimating aptly,

Had the hangman met us there, by these presages,
Here had been his work, and here his wages.[28]

+Lieut.+ Come, come, we must make friends. [_Exeunt._

_Enter +Bloodhound+, +Tim+, and +Sim+._

+Blood.+ There, sirrah, there's his bond: run into the Strand,
'tis six weeks since the tallow-chandler fetched my hundred
marks I lent him to set him up, and to buy grease; this is his
day, I'll have his bones for't else, so pray tell him.

+Tim.+ But are a chandler's bones worth so much, father?

+Blood.+ Out, coxcomb!

+Sim.+ Worth so much! I know my master will make dice of
them; then 'tis but letting Master Alexander carry them next
Christmas to the Temple,[29] he'll make a hundred marks a night
of them.

+Tim.+ Mass, that's true.

+Blood.+ And run to Master Ear-lack's the informer, in Thieving
Lane, and ask him what he has done in my business. He gets
abundance; and if he carry my cause with one false oath, he
shall have Moll; he will take her with a little. Are you gone,
sir?

+Tim.+ No, forsooth.

+Blood.+ As you come by Temple Bar, make a step to th' Devil.

+Tim.+ To the Devil, father?

+Sim.+ My master means the sign of the Devil;[30] and he cannot
hurt you, fool; there's a saint holds him by the nose.

+Tim.+ Sniggers! what does the devil and a saint both in a sign?

+Sim.+ What a question's that? what does my master and his
prayer-book o' Sunday both in a pew?

+Blood.+[31] Well, well, ye gipsy, what do we both in a pew?

+Sim.+ Why, make a fair show; and the devil and the saint does
no more.

+Blood.+ You're witty, you're witty. Call to the man o' th'
house, bid him send in the bottles of wine to-night; they will
be at hand i' th' morning. Will you run, sir?

+Tim.+ To the devil, as fast as I can, sir; the world shall
know whose son I am. [_Exit._

+Blood.+ Let me see now for a poesy for the ring: never an end
of an old saw? 'Tis a quick widow, Sim, and would have a witty
poesy.

+Sim.+ If she be quick, she's with child; whosoever got it, you
must father it; so that

_You come o' th' nick,
For the widow's quick._

There's a witty poesy for your quick widow.

+Blood.+ No, no; I'll have one shall savour of a saw.

+Sim.+ Why then, 'twill smell of the painted cloth.[32]

+Blood.+ Let me see, _a widow witty_----

+Sim.+ _Is pastime pretty_:--put in that for the sport's sake.

+Blood.+ No, no, I can make the sport. Then, _an old man_----

+Sim.+ Then will she answer, _If you cannot, a younger
can._[33] And look, look, sir, now I talk of the younger,
yonder's Ancient Young come over again, that mortgaged sixty
pound _per annum_ before he went; I'm deceived if he come not a
day after the fair.

+Blood.+ Mine almanac!

+Sim.+ A prayer-book, sir?

+Blood.+ A prayer-book; for devout beggars I hate; look, I
beseech thee. Fortune, now befriend me, and I will call the
plaguy whore in. Let me see, six months.

_Enter +Ancient Young+._

+Anc.+ Yes, 'tis he, certain: this is a business must not be
slackened, sir.

+Sim.+ Look, I beseech thee; we shall have oatmeal in our
pottage six weeks after.

+Blood.+ Four days too late, Sim; four days too late, Sim.

+Sim.+ Plumbs in our pudding a Sunday, plumbs in our pudding.

+Anc.+ Master Bloodhound, as I take it.

+Blood.+ You're a stranger, sir. [_Aside._] You shall be
witness, I shall be railed at else, they will call me devil. I
pray you, how many months from the first of May to the sixth of
November following?

+Anc.+ Six months and four days, just.

+Blood.+ I ask, because the first of May last, a noble
gentleman, one Ancient Young----

+Anc.+ I am the man, sir.

+Blood.+ My spectacles, Sim: look, Sim, is this Ancient Young?

+Sim.+ 'Twas Ancient Young, sir.

+Blood.+ And is't not Ancient Young?

+Sim.+ No, sir, you have made him a young ancient.

+Blood.+ O Sim, a chair. I know him now, but I shall not live
to tell him.

+Anc.+ How fare you, sir?

+Sim.+ The better for you; he thanks you, sir.

+Blood.+ Sick, sick, exceeding sick.

+Anc.+ O' th' sudden? Strange!

+Sim.+ A qualm of threescore years come over his stomach,
nothing else.[34] [_Aside._

+Blood.+ That you, beloved you, who, of all men i' th' world,
my poor heart doated on, whom I loved better than father,
mother, brother, sister, uncles, aunts--what would you have?
that you should stay four days too late!

+Anc.+ I have your money ready;
And, sir, I hope your old love to my father----

+Blood.+ Nay, nay, I am noble, fellow, very noble, a very rock
of friendship; but--but I had a house and barn burnt down to
the ground since you were here.

+Anc.+ How?

+Blood.+ How? burned--ask Sim.

+Sim.+ By fire, sir, by fire.

+Blood.+ To build up which, for I am a poor man--a poor man, I
was forced by course of law to enter upon your land, and so,
for less money than you had of me, I was fain to sell it to
another. That, by four days' stay, a man should lose his blood!
our livings! our blood! O my heart! O my head!

+Anc.+ Pray, take it not so heinous, we'll go to him: I'll buy
it again of him, he won't be too cruel.

+Blood.+ A dog, a very dog; there's more mercy in a pair of
unbribed bailiffs. To shun all such solicitings, he's rid to
York. A very cut-throat rogue! But I'll send to him.

+Anc.+ An honest old man, how it moves him! [_Aside._] This was
my negligence. Good Sim, convey him into some warmer room; and
I pray, however Fortune--she that gives ever with the dexterity
she takes--shall please to fashion out my sufferings, yet for
his sake, my deceased father, the long friend of your heart, in
your health keep me happy.

+Blood.+ O right honest young man! Sim.

+Sim.+ Sir.

+Blood.+ Have I done't well?

+Sim.+ The devil himself could not have done't better.

+Blood.+ I tell thee an old saw, sirrah--
_He that dissembles in wealth shall not want;
They say doomsday's coming, but think you not on't._
This will make the pot seethe, Sim.

+Anc.+[35] Good sir, talk no more, my mouth runs over. [_Exeunt
+Bloodhound+ and +Sim+._] Sleep, wake, worthy beggar, worthy
indeed to be one, and am one worthily. How fine it is to
wanton without affliction! I must look out for fortunes over
again: no, I have money here, and 'tis the curse of merit not
to work when she has money. There was a handsome widow, whose
wild-mad-jealous husband died at sea; let me see, I am near
Blackfriars, I'll have one start at her, or else----

_Enter +Bloodhound's+ daughter +Moll+, with a bowl
of beer._

+Moll.+ By my troth, 'tis he! Captain Young's son. I have loved
him even with languishings, ever since I was a girl; but should
he know it, I should run mad, sure. What handsome gentlemen
travel and manners make! my father begun to you, sir, in a cup
of small beer.

+Anc.+ How does he, pray?

+Moll.+ Pretty well now, sir.

+Anc.+ Mass, 'tis small indeed. [_Aside._] You'll pledge me?

+Moll.+ Yes, sir.

+Anc.+ Pray, will you tell me one thing?

+Moll.+ What is't?

+Anc.+ Which is smaller, this beer or your maidenhead?

+Moll.+ The beer a great deal, sir.

+Anc.+ Ay, in quality.

+Moll.+ But not in quantity?

+Anc.+ No.

+Moll.+ Why?

+Anc.+ Let me try, and I'll tell you.

+Moll.+ Will you tell me one thing before you try?

+Anc.+ Yes.

+Moll.+ Which is smaller, this beer or your wit?

+Anc.+ O the beer, the beer.

+Moll.+ In quality?

+Anc.+ Yes, and in the quantity.

+Moll.+ Why, then, I pray, keep the quantity of your wit from
the quality of my maidenhead, and you shall find my maidenhead
more than your wit.

+Anc.+ A witty maidenhead, by this hand. [_Exeunt severally._

FOOTNOTES:

[1] _Refuse me_, or _God refuse me_, appears to have been among the fashionable modes of swearing in our author's time. So in "The White Devil," act i. sc. 1, Flamineo says, _God refuse me._ Again, in "A Dogge of Warre," by Taylor the Water-poet, Works, 1630, p. 229--

"Some like Dominicall Letters goe,
In scarlet from the top to toe,
Whose valours talke and smoake all;
Who make (God sink 'em) their discourse
_Refuse_, Renounce, or Dam that's worse:
I wish a halter choake all."

Again, in "The Gamester," by Shirley, Wilding says, "_Refuse me_, if I did."

[2] _Not_ is omitted in the 4º.--_Collier._

[3] See [Randolph's Works, by Hazlitt, p. 179.]

[4] See note to "_The Heir_," [vol. xi. 535.]

[5] Standing unseen for the present.--_Collier._

[6] The 4º reads _Look, look upon, and ready_, &c.--_Collier._

[7] A proverb or wise saying. So in "The Wife of Bath's Prologue," l. 6240--

"But all for nought, I sette not an hawe
Of his Proverbes, ne of his _olde sawe_."

[8] Distrained. So in "Thomas, Lord Cromwell," 1602--

"His furniture fully worth half so much,
Which being all _strain'd_ for the king,
He frankly gave it to the Antwerp merchants."

[9] The 4º reads _four pence and ninepence_. This play, in the former editions, is very incorrectly printed.

[10] So in Massinger's "Maid of Honour," act iv. sc. 5, Sylli says, "The King ... _break girdle, break_!" Again, Falstaff says, in the "First Part of King Henry IV."--

"Dost thou think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father?
Nay, an' if I do, let _my girdle break_."

To explain the phrase "_may my girdle break_," it should be remembered that the purse was anciently worn hanging at the girdle. Hence the propriety of Trincalo's complaint, that while Ronca embraced him his "purse shook dangerously." See "Albumazar," act iii. sc. 7 [xi. 368].

[11] The 4º reads _Oculies, Oculies_.--_Collier._

[12] [Six-shilling beer, a stronger kind than that previously described as four-shilling.]

[13] _Look, he'll steal nothing to feast his bawds_, is the reading of the old copy.--_Collier._

[14] Highway.

[15] These interjections probably mean to express that Alexander hiccups in the course of what he says.--_Collier._

[16] [In allusion to Alexander.]

[17] [A tavern so called.]

[18] The aversion of the _Puritans_ to a _surplice_ is alluded to in many of the old comedies. See several instances in Mr Steevens's note to "All's Well that Ends Well," act i. sc. 3.

[19] [Two footpads, who seem to have frequented the purlieus of Coomb Park. Sham military men were as common at that time as now.]

[20] The park belonging to Coomb House.

[21] But two quavers make one crotchet: this seems to be false wit, having no foundation in truth.--_Pegge._

[22] Highwaymen or robbers were formerly called _Saint Nicholas' clerks_. See notes by Bishop Warburton and Mr Steevens on the "First Part of King Henry IV.," act ii. sc. 1.

So in Dekker's "Belman of London," 1616: "The theefe that commits the robery, and is chiefe _clarke to Saint Nicholas_, is called the high lawyer."

And in "Looke on me London," 1613, sig. C: "Here closely lie _Saint Nicholas Clearkes_, that, with a good northerne gelding, will gaine more by a halter, than an honest yeoman with a teame of good horses."

[23] This ancient fabric, which is now destroyed, was the seat of the Nevils, Earls of Warwick. It stood about a mile from Kingston-upon-Thames, near Wolsey's Aqueducts, which convey water to Hampton Court.--_Steevens._

[24] A cutter was, about the beginning of the last century, a cant word for a swaggering fellow. This appears in the old black-letter play entitled "The Faire Maid of Bristow," sig. A iij., where Sir Godfrey says of Challener--

"He was _a cutter_ and a swaggerer."

He is elsewhere (sig. A 4) called a swaggering fellow.--_MS. note in Oldys's Langbaine._

[25] [Old copy, _rise_. The meaning seems to be that Randall had got up betimes.]

[26] _i.e._, Alexander Bloodhound.--_Pegge._

[27] _i.e._, The reply of drawers when they are called.

[28] [See "Popular Antiquities of Great Britain," ii. 247-8.]

[29] It was formerly usual to celebrate Christmas, at the several inns of court, with extraordinary festivity. Sometimes plays or masques were performed; and when these were omitted, a greater degree of licence appears to have been allowed to the students than at other times. In societies where so many young men, possessed of high spirits, and abounding with superfluous sums of money, were assembled, it will not seem wonderful to find the liberty granted at this season should be productive of many irregularities. Among others, gaming, in the reign of James I., when this play was probably written, had been carried to such an extravagant height as to demand the interposition of the heads of some of the societies to prevent the evil consequences attending it. In the 12th of James I. orders for reformation and better government of the inns of court and Chancery were made by the readers and benchers of the four houses of court; among which is the following:--"For that disorders in the _Christmas_-time, may both infect the minds, and prejudice the estates and fortunes, of the young gentlemen in the same societies: it is therefore ordered, that there shall be commons of the house kept, in every house of court, during the _Christmas_; and that none shall play in their several halls at the dice, except he be a gentleman of the same society, and in commons; and the benefits of the boxes to go to the butlers of every house respectively."--Dugdale's "Orig. Jurid.," p. 318. In the 4th of Car. I. (Nov. 17) the society of Gray's Inn direct, "that all playing at dice, cards, or otherwise, in the hall, buttry, or butler's chamber, should be thenceforth barred and forbidden, at all times of the year, the twenty days in _Christmas_ only excepted."--_Ibid._ p. 286. And in the 7th of Car. I. (7th Nov.) the society of the _Inner Temple_ made several regulations for keeping good rule in _Christmas-time_, two of which will show how much gaming had been practised there before that time. "8. That there shall not be any knocking with boxes, or calling aloud for gamesters. 9. That no play be continued within the house upon any Saturday night, or upon Christmas-eve at night, after twelve of the clock."

Sir Simon D'Ewes also, in the MS. life of himself in the British Museum, takes notice of the Christmas irregularities about this period (p. 52, Dec. 1620)--"At the saied Temple was a lieutenant chosen, and much gaming, and other excesses increased during these festivall dayes, by his residing and keeping a standing table ther; and, when sometimes I turned in thither to behold ther sportes, and saw the many oaths, execrations, and quarrels, that accompanied ther dicing, I began seriously to loath it, though at the time I conceived the sporte of itselfe to bee lawfull."--["Life of D'Ewes," edit. 1845, i. 161.] "The first day of Januarie [_i.e._, 1622-23] at night, I came into commons at the Temple, wheere ther was a lieftenant choosen, and all manner of gaming and vanitie practiced, as if the church had not at all groaned under those heavie desolations which it did. Wherefore I was verie gladd, when, on the Tuesday following, being the seventh day of the same moneth, the howse broake upp ther Christmas, and added an end to those excesses."--[Life, _ut supr._, i. 223.]

To what excess gaming was carried on in the inns-of-court at this period may be judged from the following circumstance, that in taking up the floor of one of the Temple halls about 1764, near one hundred pair of dice were found, which had dropt at times through the chinks or joints of the boards. They were very small, scarce more than two-thirds as large as our modern ones. The hall was built in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. [See on this subject "Popular Antiquities of Great Britain," i., where copious collections will be found upon this subject.]

[30] This tavern, with the same sign as above described, [existed till 1787. See Gifford's Ben Jonson, 1816, ix. 84-5.]

[31] This question is improperly given to Sim in the 4º.--_Collier._

[32] [See Dyce's Middleton, iii. 97, and v. 208.]

[33] [A line of an old song altered.]

[34] This is the reading of the quarto, but Mr Reed, without necessity or notice, changed it thus--

"A qualm of threescore _pounds a year_ came over his stomach."

Sim refers to the age and infirmity of Bloodhound.--_Collier._

[35] All that follows, to the entrance of Moll, in the 4º is made a continuation of what is said by Bloodhound.--_Collier._