Chapter XV: Act III: , Scene I

_+Bright+, +Newcut+, +Plotwell+, +Roseclap+, hanging
out the picture of a strange fish._[221]

+Bright.+ 'Fore Jove, the captain fox'd[222] him rarely.

+Rose.+ O sir,
He is used to it: this is the fifth fish now
That he hath shown thus. One got him twenty pound.

+New.+ How, Roseclap?

+Rose.+ Why the captain kept him, sir,
A whole week drunk, and show'd him twice a-day.

+New.+ It could not be like this.

+Rose.+ Faith, I do grant
This is the strangest fish. Yon I have hung
His other picture in the fields, where some
Say 'tis an o'ergrown porpoise; others say
'Tis the fish caught in Cheshire; one, to whom
The rest agree, said 'twas a mermaid.

+Plot.+ 'Slight!
Roseclap shall have a patent of him. The birds
Brought from Peru, the hairy wench,[223] the camel,
The elephant, dromedaries, or Windsor Castle,
The woman with dead flesh, or she that washes,
Threads needles, writes, dresses her children, plays
O' th' virginals with her feet, could never draw
People like this.

+New.+ O, that his father were
At home to see him!

+Plot.+ Or his mother come,
Who follows strange sights out of town, and went
To Brentford to a motion.

+Bright.+ Bid the captain hasten,
Or he'll recover, and spoil all.

+Rose.+ They're here!

SCENE II.

_Enter +Quartfield+ and +Salewit+, dressed like two trumpeters,
keeping the door; +Mistress Seathrift+ and +Mistress
Holland+, with a 'prentice before 'em, as comers-in._

+Quart.+ Bear back there!

+Sale.+ Pray you, do not press so hard.

+Quart.+ Make room for the two gentlewomen.

+Mis. Sea.+ What is't?

+Sale.+ Twelvepence apiece.

+Mis. Hol.+ We will not give't.

+Quart.+ Make room for them that will, then.

+Plot.+ O fortune, here's his mother!

+Bright.+ And who's the other?

+Plot.+ One Mistress Holland, the
Great sempstress on the Exchange.

+Mis. Hol.+ We gave but a groat
To see the last fish.

+Quart.+ Gentlewoman, that
Was but an Irish sturgeon.

+Sale.+ This came from
The Indies, and eats five crowns a day in fry,
Ox-livers, and brown paste.

+Mis. Sea.+ Well, there's three shillings.
Pray, let us have good places now.

+Quart.+ Bear back there!

+Mis. Hol.+ Look, Mistress Seathrift, here be gentlemen.
Sure, 'tis a rare fish.

+Mis. Sea.+ I know one of 'em.

+Mis. Hol.+ And so do I; his sister was my 'prentice.

+Mis. Sea.+ Let's take acquaintance with him.

+Plot.+ Mistress Seathrift,
Hath the sight drawn you hither?

+Mis. Sea.+ Yes, sir, I
And Mistress Holland here, my gossip, pass'd
This way, and so call'd in. Pray, Master Plotwell,
Is not my son here? I was told he went
With you this morning.

+Plot.+ You shall see him straight.

+Mis. Hol.+ When will the fish begin, sir?

+Bright.+ Heart! she makes him a puppet-play.

+Plot.+ Why, now, they only stay
For company, 't has sounded twice.[224]

+Mis. Sea.+ Indeed
I long to see this fish. I wonder whether
They will cut up his belly; they say a tench
Will make him whole again.

+Mis. Hol.+ Look, Mistress Seathrift, what claws he has!

+Mis. Sea.+ For all the world like crabs.

+Mis. Hol.+ Nay, mark his feet too.

+Mis. Sea.+ For all the world like plaice.

+Bright.+ Was ever better sport heard?

+New.+ Prythee, peace.

+Mis. Hol.+ Pray, can you read that? Sir, I warrant
That tells where it was caught, and what fish 'tis.

+Plot.+ _Within this place is to be seen
A wondrous fish. God save the queen._

+Mis. Hol.+ Amen! she is my customer, and I
Have sold her bone-lace often.

+Bright.+ Why, the queen? 'Tis writ _the king_.

+Plot.+ That was to make the rhyme.

+Bright.+ 'Slid, thou didst read it, as 'twere some picture of
An Elizabeth-fish.[225]

+Quart.+ Bear back there!

+Sale.+ Make room! you
Friend, that were going to cut a purse there, make
Way for the two old gentlemen to pass.

_Enter +Warehouse+ and +Seathrift+ disguised._

+Ware.+ What must we give?

+Quart.+ We take a shilling, sir.

+Sale.+ It is no less.

+Sea.+ Pray God your fish be worth it.
What, is't a whale, you take so dear?

+Quart.+ It is a fish taken in the Indies.

+Ware.+ Pray despatch then, and show't us quickly.

+Sale.+ Pray, forbear: you'd have your head broke, cobbler.

+Ware.+ Yonder is my nephew in his old gallantry.

+Sea.+ Who's there too? my wife
And Mistress Holland! Nay, I look'd for them.
But where's my wise son?

+Ware.+ Mass, I see not him.

+Quart.+ Keep out, sir.

+Sale.+ Waterman, you must not enter.

[_+Cypher+ presses in like a waterman._

+Quart.+ This is no place for scullers.

+Cyph.+ I must needs speak
With one Master Plotwell----

+Quart.+ You must stay.

+Sale.+ Thrust him out.

+Cyph.+ ----and one Master Seathrift
On urgent business.

+Sale.+ They are yet employ'd
In weightier affairs. Make fast the door.

[_They thrust him out._

+Quart.+ There shall no more come in. Come in, boy.

+Sea.+ Don't they speak as if my son were in the room?

+Ware.+ Yes, pray observe and mark them.

+Quart.+ Gentlemen
And gentlewomen, you now shall see a sight
Europe never show'd the like. Behold this fish!

[_Draws a curtain; behind it +Timothy+ asleep
like a strange fish._

+Mis. Hol.+ O Strange! Look How It Sleeps!

+Bright.+ Just like a salmon upon a stall in Fish
Street.

+Mis. Sea.+ How it snorts too! just like my husband.

+Ware.+ 'Tis very like a man.

+Sea.+ 'T has such a nose and eyes.

+Sale.+ Why, 'tis, a man-fish;
An ocean centaur, begot between a siren
And a he stock-fish.

+Sea.+ Pray, where took ye him?

+Quart.+ We took him strangely in the Indies, near
The mouth of Rio de la Plata, asleep
Upon the shore, just as you see him now.

+Mis. Hol.+ How say ye, asleep!

+Ware.+ How! Would he come to land?

+Sea.+ 'Tis strange a fish should leave his element!

+Quart.+ Ask him what things the country told us.

+Sale.+ You
Will scarce believe it now. This fish would walk you
Two or three mile o' th' shore sometimes; break houses,
Ravish a naked wench or two (for there
Women go naked), then run to sea again.

+Quart.+ The country has been laid,[226] and warrants granted
To apprehend him.

+Ware.+ I do suspect these fellows:
They lie as if they had patent for it.

+Sea.+ The company,
Should every one believe his part, would scarce
Have faith enough among us.

+Ware.+ Mark again.

+Sale.+ The States of Holland would have bought him of us,
Out of a great design.

+Sea.+ Indeed!

+Sale.+ They offer'd a thousand dollars.

+Quart.+ You cannot enter yet. [_Some knock._

+Ware.+ Indeed! so much! Pray, what to do?

+Sale.+ Why, sir,
They were in hope, in time, to make this fish
Of faction 'gainst the Spaniard, and do service
Unto the state.

+Sea.+ As how?

+Sale.+ Why, sir, next plate-fleet,
To dive, bore holes i'th' bottom of their ships,
And sink them. You must think a fish like this
May be taught Machiavel, and made a state-fish.

+Plot.+ As dogs are taught to fetch.

+New.+ Or elephants to dance on ropes.

+Bright.+ And, pray, what honour would
The states have given him for the service?

+Quart.+ That, sir, is uncertain.

+Sale.+ Ha' made him some sea-count; or, 't may be, admiral.

+Plot.+ Then, sir, in time,
Dutch authors, that writ _Mare Liberum_,[227]
Might dedicate their books to him?

+Sale.+ Yes, being
A fish advanc'd, and of great place. Sing, boy!
You now shall hear a song upon him.

+Bright.+ Listen.

+New.+ Do they not act it rarely?

+Plot.+ If 'twere their trade, they could not do it better.

+Sea.+ Hear you that, sir?

+Ware.+ Still I suspect.

+Mis. Hol.+ I warrant you, this fish
Will shortly be in a ballad.

+Sale.+ Begin, boy.

+Song.+

_We show no monstrous crocodile,
Nor any prodigy of Nile;
No Remora that stops your fleet,[228]
Like serjeants gallants in the street;
No sea-horse which can trot or pace,
Or swim false galop, post, or race:
For crooked dolphins we not care,
Though on their back a fiddler were:
The like to this fish, which we show,
Was ne'er in Fish Street, old or new;
Nor ever serv'd to th' sheriff's board,
Or kept in souse for the Mayor Lord.
Had old astronomers but seen
This fish, none else in heaven had been._

+Mis. Hol.+ The song has waken'd him; look, he stirs!

+Tim.+ O captain, pox--take--you--captain.

+Mis. Sea.+ Hark, he speaks!

+Tim.+ O--my--stomach----

+Ware.+ How's this?

+Sea.+ I'll pawn my life, this is imposture.

+Tim.+ O, O----

+Plot.+ Heart! the captain did not give him his full load.

+Ware.+ Can your fish
Speak, friends? The proverb says they're mute.

+Quart.+ I'll tell you,
You will admire how docile he is, and how
He'll imitate a man: tell him your name,
He will repeat it after you; he has heard me
Call'd captain, and my fellow[s] curse sometimes,
And now you heard him say, pox-take-you, captain.

+Sale.+ And yesterday, I but complain'd my stomach
Was overcharg'd, and how he minds it!

+New.+ Strange!

+Bright.+ Ay, is it not?

+Plot.+ The towardness of a fish!

+Sale.+ Would you think, when we caught him, he should speak
_Drake, Drake_?[229]

+Bright.+ And did he?

+Quart.+ Yes, and _Hawkins_;[230]
A sign he was a fish that swam there when
These two compass'd the world.

+New.+ How should he learn their names, I wonder?

+Sale.+ From the sailors.

+New.+ That may be.

+Quart.+ He'll call for drink, like me, or anything
He lacks.

+Tim.+ O Gad, my head----

+Quart.+ D'you hear him?

+Tim.+ O hostess, a basin----

+Plot.+ 'Slid, he'll spew.

+Bright.+ No matter.

+Quart.+ Nay, I have seen him fox'd, and then maintain
A drunken dialogue.

+Mis. Hol.+ Lord, how I long
To hear a little! Pray try him with some questions;
Will you, my friend?

+Quart.+ Sometimes he will be sullen,
And make no answers.

+Sale.+ That is when he's anger'd,
Or kept from drink long.

+Quart.+ But I'll try him.

+Mis. Sea.+ To see what creatures may be brought to!

+Quart.+ Tim, you are drunk.

+Tim.+ Plague take you, captain. O--Lord, you made me----

+Sea.+ 'Sdeath, my son's name! Tim do you call him?

+Sale.+ He'll answer to no name but that.

+Quart.+ And, Tim, what think you of a wench now?

+Tim.+ O, I am sick; where is she? O----

+Sea.+ I'll lay my life, this fish is some confederate rogue.

+Quart.+ I drink to you, Timothy, in sack.

+Tim.+ O, O!

+Quart.+ A health, Tim.

+Tim.+ I can drink no more,--O!

+Sale.+ What, not pledge your mistress!

+Tim.+ O, let me alone.

+Sale.+ He is not in the mood now;
Sometimes you'd wonder at him.

+Quart.+ He is tired
With talking all this day. That, and the heat
Of company about him, dull him.

+Ware.+ Surely,
My friends, it is to me a miracle
To hear a fish speak thus.

+Quart.+ So, sirs, 't has been
To thousands more.

+Sale.+ Come now next Michaelmas,
'Tis five year we have shown him in most courts
In Christendom; and you will not believe,
How with mere travelling and observation
He has improved himself, and brought away
The language of the country.

+Sea.+ May not I ask him
Some questions?

+Quart.+ Sir, you may; but he
Will answer none but one of us.

+Mis. Sea.+ He's used, and knows their voices.

[_Knocking at door._

+Sale.+ He is so, mistress. Now, we'll open door.

+Ware.+ Well, my belief doth tell me
There is a mist before our eyes.

+Mis. Sea.+ I mar'l
My wise son miss'd this show.

+Quart.+ Good people, we
Do show no more to-day: if you desire

[_They draw the curtain before him._

To see, come to us in King Street to-morrow.

+Mis. Hol.+ Come, gossip, let us go; the fish is done.

+Mis. Sea.+ By your leave, gentlemen. Truly, 'tis a dainty fish.[231]

[_Exit +Mistress Seathrift+, +Mistress Holland+,
and +'Prentice+._

SCENE III.

_Enter +Cypher+, like a Waterman._

+Cyph.+ Pray, which is Master Plotwell?

+Plot.+ I am he, friend;
What is your business?

+Cyph.+ Sir, I should speak
With young Master Seathrift too.

+Plot.+ Sir, at this time,
Although no crab, like you, to swim backward, he is
Of your element.

+Cyph.+ Upon the water?

+Plot.+ No,
But something that lives in't. If you but stay
Till he have slept himself a land-creature, you may
Chance see him come ashore here.

+Tim.+ O--my head--
O--Captain--Master Francis--Captain--O----

+Plot.+ That is his voice, sir.

+Sea.+ Death o' my soul! my son!

+Cyph.+ He is in drink, sir, is he?

+Plot.+ Surely, friend, you are a witch;[232] he is so.

+Cyph.+ Then I must tell the news to you: 'tis sad.

+Plot.+ I'll hear't as sadly.

+Cyph.+ Your uncle, sir, and Master Seathrift are
Both drown'd, some eight miles below Greenwich.

+Plot.+ Drown'd!

+Cyph.+ They went i' th' tilt-boat, sir, and I was one
O' th' oars that rowed him: a coal-ship did o'errun us.
I 'scaped by swimming; the two old gentlemen
Took hold of one another, and sunk together.

+Bright.+ How some men's prayers are heard!
We did invoke
The sea this morning, and see, the Thames has took 'em.

+Plot.+ It cannot be: such good news, gentlemen,
Cannot be true.

+Ware.+ 'Tis very certain, sir.
'Twas talk'd upon th' Exchange.

+Sea.+ We heard it too
In Paul's now, as we came.

+Plot.+ There, friend, there is
A fare for you. I'm glad you 'scap'd; I had
Not known the news so soon else. [_Gives him money._

+Cyph.+ Sir, excuse me.

+Plot.+ Sir, it is conscience; I do believe you might
Sue me in Chancery.

+Cyph.+ Sir, you show the virtues of an heir.

+Ware.+ Are you rich Warehouse's heir, sir?

+Plot.+ Yes, sir, his transitory pelf,
And some twelve hundred pound a year in earth,
Is cast on me. Captain, the hour is come,
You shall no more drink ale, of which one draught
Makes cowards, and spoils valour; nor take off
Your moderate quart-glass. I intend to have
A musket for you, or glass-cannon, with
A most capacious barrel, which we'll charge
And discharge with the rich valiant grape
Of my uncle's cellar. Every charge shall fire
The glass, and burn itself i' th' filling, and look
Like a piece going off.

+Quart.+ I shall be glad
To give thanks for you, sir, in pottle-draughts,
And shall love Scotch coal for this wreck the better,
As long as I know fuel.

+Plot.+ Then my poet
No longer shall write catches or thin sonnets,
Nor preach in verse, as if he were suborn'd
By him that wrote the Whip,[233] to pen lean acts,
And so to overthrow the stage for want
Of salt or wit. Nor shall he need torment
Or persecute his Muse; but I will be
His god of wine t' inspire him. He shall no more
Converse with the five-yard butler who, like thunder,
Can turn beer with his voice, and roar it sour;
But shall come forth a Sophocles, and write
Things for the buskin. Instead of Pegasus,
To strike a spring with's hoof, we'll have a steel
Which shall but touch a butt, and straight shall flow
A purer, higher, wealthier Helicon.

+Sale.+ Frank, thou shalt be my Phœbus. My next poem
Shall be thy uncle's tragedy, or the life
And death of two rich merchants.

+Plot.+ Gentlemen,
And now, i' faith, what think you of the fish?

+Ware.+ Why as we ought, sir, strangely.

+Bright.+ But do you think it is a very fish?

+Sale.+ Yes.

+New.+ 'Tis a man.

+Plot.+ This valiant captain and this man of wit
First fox'd him, then transformed him. We will wake him,
And tell him the news. Ho, Master Timothy!

+Tim.+ Plague take you, captain!

+Plot.+ What, does your sack work still?

+Tim.+ Where am I?

+Plot.+ Come, y' have slept enough.

+Bright.+ Master Timothy!
How, in the name of fresh cod, came you chang'd
Into a sea-calf thus?

+New.+ 'Slight, sir, here be
Two fishmongers to buy you; bate the price,
Now y' are awake, yourself.

+Tim.+ How's this? my hands
Transmuted into claws? my feet made flounders?
Array'd in fins and scales? Aren't you
Asham'd to make me such a monster? Pray,
Help to undress me.

+Plot.+ We have rare news for you.

+Tim.+ No letter from the lady, I hope.

+Plot.+ Your father
And my grave uncle, sir, are cast away.

+Tim.+ How?

+Plot.+ They by this have made a meal
For jacks and salmon: they are drown'd.

+Bright.+ Fall down,
And worship sea-coals; for a ship of them
Has made you, sir, an heir.

+Plot.+ This fellow here
Brings the auspicious news: and these two friends
Of ours confirm it.

+Cyph.+ 'Tis too true, sir.

+Tim.+ Well,
We are all mortal; but in what wet case
Had I been now, if I had gone with him!
Within this fortnight I had been converted
Into some pike; you might ha' cheapen'd me
In Fish Street; I had made an ordinary,
Perchance, at the Mermaid.[234] Now could I cry
Like any image in a fountain, which
Runs lamentations. O my hard misfortune! [_He feigns to weep._

+Sea.+ Fie, sir! good truth, it is not manly in you
To weep for such a slight loss as a father.

+Tim.+ I do not cry for that.

+Sea.+ No?

+Tim.+ No, but to think,
My mother is not drown'd too.

+Sea.+ I assure you,
And that's a shrewd mischance.

+Tim.+ For then might I
Ha' gone to th' counting-house, and set at liberty
Those harmless angels, which for many years
Have been condemn'd to darkness.

+Plot.+ You'd not do
Like your penurious father, who was wont
To walk his dinner out in Paul's, whilst you
Kept Lent at home, and had, like folk in sieges,
Your meals weigh'd to you.

+New.+ Indeed they say he was
A monument of Paul's.

+Tim.+ Yes, he was there
As constant as Duke Humphrey.[235] I can show
The prints where he sat holes i' th' logs.

+Plot.+ He wore
More pavement out with walking than would make
A row of new stone-saints, and yet refused
To give to th' reparation.[236]

+Bright.+ I've heard
He'd make his jack go empty to cosen neighbours.

+Plot.+ Yes, when there was not fire enough to warm
A mastich-patch t' apply to his wife's temples,
In great extremity of toothache. This is
True, Master Timothy, is't not?

+Tim.+ Yes: then linen
To us was stranger than to Capuchins.
My flesh is of an order with wearing shirts
Made of the sacks that brought o'er cochineal,
Copperas, and indigo. My sister wears
Smocks made of currant-bags.

+Sea.+ I'll not endure it:
Let's show ourselves. [_Aside._

+Ware.+ Stay: hear all first. [_Aside._

+New.+ Thy uncle was such another.

+Plot.+ I have heard
He still last left th' Exchange; and would commend
The wholesomeness o' th' air in Moorfields, when
The clock struck three sometimes.

+Plot.+ Surely myself,
Cypher, his factor, and an ancient cat
Did keep strict diet, had our Spanish fare,
Four olives among three. My uncle would
Look fat with fasting; I ha' known him surfeit
Upon a bunch of raisins, swoon at sight
Of a whole joint, and rise an epicure
From half an orange. [_They undisguise._

+Ware.+ Gentlemen, 'tis false.
Cast off your cloud. D'ye know me, sir?

+Plot.+ My uncle!

+Sea.+ And do you know me, sir?

+Tim.+ My father!

+Ware.+ Nay,
We'll open all the plot; reveal yourself.

+Plot.+ Cypher, the waterman!

+Quart.+ Salewit, away!
I feel a tempest coming.

[_Exit +Quartfield+ and +Salewit+._

+Ware.+ Are you struck
With a torpedo, nephew?

+Sea.+ Ha' you seen too
A Gorgon's head, that you stand speechless? or
Are you a fish in earnest?

+Bright.+ It begins to thunder.

+New.+ We will make bold to take our leaves.

+Ware.+ What, is your captain fled?

+Sea.+ Nay, gentlemen, forsake your company!

+Bright.+ Sir, we have business. [_Exeunt +Bright+ and +Newcut+._

+Sea.+ Troth, it is not kindly done.

+Ware.+ Now, Master Seathrift,
You see what mourners we had had, had we
Been wreck'd in earnest. My griev'd nephew here
Had made my cellar flow with tears; my wines
Had charg'd glass-ordnance; our funerals had been
Bewail'd in pottle-draughts.

+Sea.+ And at our graves
Your nephew and my son had made a panegyric,
And open'd all our virtues.

+Ware.+ Ungrateful monster!

+Sea.+ Unnatural villain!

+Ware.+ Thou enemy to my blood!

+Sea.+ Thou worse than parricide!

+Ware.+ Next my sins, I do repent I am thy uncle.

+Sea.+ And I thy father.

+Ware.+ Death o' my soul! Did I, when first thy father
Broke in estate, and then broke from the compter,
Where Master Seathrift laid him in the hole
For debt, among the ruins of the city
And trades like him blown up, take thee from dust,
Give thee free education, put thee in
My own fair way of traffic--nay, decree
To leave thee jewels, land, my whole estate;
Pardon'd thy former wildness; and couldst thou sort
Thyself with none but idle gallants, captains,
And poets, who must plot before they eat,
And make each meal a stratagem? Then could none
But I be subject of thy impious scoffs?
I swoon at sight of meat! I rise a glutton
From half an orange! Wretch, forgetful wretch!
'Fore Heaven, I count it treason in my blood
That gives thee a relation. But I'll take
A full revenge. Make thee my heir! I'll first
Adopt a slave brought from some galley; one
Which laws do put into the inventory,
And men bequeath in wills with stools and brasspots;
One who shall first be household-stuff, then my heir;
Or, to defeat all thy large aims, I'll marry.
Cypher, go, find me Bannswright; he shall straight
Provide me a wife: I will not stay to let
My resolution cool. Be she a wench
That every day puts on her dowry, wears
Her fortunes, has no portion, so she be
Young, and likely to be fruitful, I'll have her:
By all that's good, I will: this afternoon!
I will about it straight.

+Sea.+ I follow you. [_Exeunt +Warehouse+, +Cypher+._
And as for you, Tim, mermaid, triton, haddock,
The wondrous Indian fish caught near Peru,
Who can be of both elements, your sight
Will keep you well. Here I do cast thee off,
And in thy room pronounce to make thy sister
My heir: it would be most unnatural
To leave a fish land. 'Las! sir, one of your
Bright fins and gills must swim in seas of sack,
Spout rich canaries up like whales in maps:[237]
I know you'll not endure to see my jack
Go empty, nor wear shirts of copperas-bags,
Nor fast in Paul's, you! I do hate thee now
Worse than a tempest, quicksand, pirate, rock,
Or fatal lake, ay, or a privy-seal.[238]
Go, let the captain make you drunk, and let
Your next change be into some ape--'tis stale
To be a fish twice--or some active baboon:
And, when you can find money out, betray
What wench i' th' room has lost her maidenhead;
Can mount to the king, and can do all your feats,
If your fine chain and yellow coat come near
Th' Exchange, I'll see you. So I leave you. [_Exit +Seathrift+._

+Plot.+ Now,
Were there a dext'rous beam and twopence hemp,
Never had man such cause to hang himself.

+Tim.+ I have brought myself to a fine pass too. Now
Am I fit only to be caught, and put
Into a pond to leap carps, or beget
A goodly race of pick'rel.

SCENE IV.

_Enter +Quartfield+ and +Salewit+._

+Quart.+ How now, mad lads; what! is the storm broke up?

+Sale.+ What, sad, like broken gamesters! Master Timothy,
'Slight, who would think your father should lay wheels[239]
To catch you thus?

+Tim.+ If ever I be drunk with captains more----

+Plot.+ Where's Bright and Newcut?

+Sale.+ They were sent for to the Temple, but left word
They would be here at supper.

+Plot.+ They are sure friends to leave us in distress.

+Quart.+ What a mad plot
These two old merchants had contriv'd, to feign
A voyage, then to hunt you out disguised,
And hear themselves abused?

+Sale.+ We heard all.

+Quart.+ If I had stay'd, they had paid me for a captain.

+Sale.+ They had a fling at me. But do you think
Your uncle in this furious mood will marry?

+Plot.+ He deeply swore it: if he do, the sleight
Upon the cards, the hollow die, Park Corner
And Shooter's Hill, are my revenue.

+Tim.+ Yes: and as for me, my destiny will be
To fight by th' day, carry my kitchen and
Collation at my back, wear orderly
My shirt in course, after't has been the shift
Of a whole regiment in the low countries;
And, after all, return with half a leg,
One arm, perchance my nose shot off, to move
Compassion in my father who, in pity
To so much ruin, may be brought to buy
Some place for me in an hospital, to keep me
From bridges, hill-tops, and from selling switches.

+Rose.+ Yonder's your uncle at the field-door, talking
With Bannswright, as hot and earnest for a wench
As a recover'd Monsieur.

+Quart.+ What is this Bannswright?

+Sale.+ A fellow much employed about the town,
That contrives matches: one that brings together
Parties that never saw or never met,
Till't be for good and all; knows to a penny
Estates and jointures: I'll undertake he has
Now lying by him (unprovided) some twenty
Widows of all fortunes that want husbands,
And men that want wives; and, at an hour's warning,
Can make things ready for the priest.

+Quart.+ Let us
Devise to get him hither, and cross the match.

+Plot.+ I have great interest in him; the fellow loves me.
Could I speak with him, and draw him to be
An actor in't, I have a stratagem
That can redeem all, and turn the plot
Upon these sage heads.

_Enter +Bannswright+._

+Sale.+ By Minerva, look! here's Bannswright!

+Plot.+ Master Bannswright!

+Ban.+ Save you, gallants.

+Plot.+ You are employed, I hear, to find a wife out
For my young sprightly uncle.

+Ban.+ Sir, he has
Retain'd me to that purpose: I just now
Came from him.

+Plot.+ And do you mean the match
Shall then proceed?

+Ban.+ I have a lieger[240] wench
In readiness: he's gone to put himself
Into fit ornaments for the solemnity.
I'm to provide the priest and licence: we go
Some two hours hence to church.

+Quart.+ Death! you pander,
Forbid the banns, or I will cut your wizzel,[241]
And spoil your squiring in the dark. I've heard
Of your lewd function, sirrah! You prefer
Wenches to bawdy-houses, rascal!

+Ban.+ Good sir,
Threaten me not in my vocation.

+Plot.+ Why, Bannswright, you can be but paid. Say I
Procure the wench, a friend of mine, and double
Your bargain. Such a fair reward, methinks,
Should make thee of my project. Thou dost know
My fortunes are engaged, and thou may'st be
The happy instrument to recover 'em.
Be my good angel once! I have a plot
Shall make thee famous.

+Quart.+ By Mars, deny, and I
Will act a tragedy upon thee.

+Ban.+ Gentlemen,
I am a friend to wit, but more to you, sir,
Of whose misfortunes I will not be guilty.
Though, then, your uncle has employ'd me, and
Has deeply sworn to wed this afternoon
A wife of my providing, if you can
O'erreach the angry burgess, sir, and bring
His wisdom to the gin, show me the way;
I'll help to lay the trap.

+Quart.+ Now thou art
An honest-hearted pimp: thou shalt for this
Be drunk in Vine-dee,[242] rascal; I'll begin
A runlet to thee.

+Ban.+[243] Gentlemen, let's in,
I'll tell you my design. You, Salewit, must
Transform yourself to a French deacon: I
Have parts for Bright and Newcut too. Mischief
Upon their absence!

+Sale.+ We'll send for 'em.

+Ban.+ And for Master Timothy, I have a project
Shall make his father everlastingly
Admire his wit, and ask him blessing.

+Quart.+ Come,
Let's in and drink a health to our success.

+Tim.+ I'm for no healths, unless the glass be less. [_Exeunt._

FOOTNOTES:

[221] Mr Steevens observes (note to "The Tempest," act ii. sc. 2) that it was formerly very common to exhibit fishes, either real or imaginary, in this manner, and that it appears from the books of Stationers' Hall, that in 1604 was published, "A strange reporte of a monstrous _fish_, that appeared in the form of a woman from her waist upward, seene in the sea."

The Italians use _Nuovo Pesce_ in much the same manner as we employ the phrase "a strange fish." "Nuovo pesce era questo ru-Marco"--Domenichi's "Facetie," 1565, p. 268.

[222] Made him drunk, or intoxicated him.

[223] Probably the same mentioned by Sir Kenelm Digby. See note to "The Ordinary" [xii., 245.]

[224] Meaning that the trumpet has been sounded twice, in imitation of the theatres, where, before the play begins by the entrance of the prologue, there were what were called three soundings. See Malone's "Shakespeare," by Boswell, iii. 114.--_Collier._

[225] [See Mr Huth's "Ancient Ballads and Broadsides," 1867, p. 213.]

[226] _The country has been laid_, means that the country has been _way-laid_ for the purpose of catching him. This was the common mode of expression at the time, as appears from Middleton's "Chaste Maid in Cheapside," 1630, and other authorities--

"_Lay_ the water-side--she's gone for ever else!"

Again, in the same play--

"My mother's gone to _lay_ the common staires."

--_Collier._

[227] "Mare Liberum," was the title of a book written by the celebrated Grotius, to prove that the sea was free to every nation, in opposition to those who wished to circumscribe the Dutch trade. It was printed in 1609, and among other answers which appeared to it, was one by Selden, which he entitled "Mare Clausum."

[228] The _echineis_, a fish which by adhering to the bottoms of ships, was supposed to retard their course. So Lucan, lib. vi. v. 674--

"Puppim retinens, Euro tendente rudentes,
In mediis _echineis_ aquis."

--_Steevens._

[229] Sir Francis Drake.

[230] There were two of that name, father and son, in the time of Queen Elizabeth, both eminent navigators. See their lives in "Biographia Britannica."

[231] There is an incident of this kind, where a man is shown for a fish against his will, and thrust under water whenever he attempts to speak, in the "Vida de Lazarillo de Tormes."--_Collier._

[232] [This word was applied formerly to both sexes. See "Gesta Romanorum," edit. Madden, p. 456.]

[233] Prynne and his "Histriomastix," so often noticed in this play.

[234] A tavern which used to be frequented by Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, and other wits of the times, and often mentioned in their works. From the following enumeration of taverns, in an old poem called "Newes from Bartholmew Fayre" [by Richard West, 1607], the title-page of which is lost, we find it was situate in Cornhill:--

"There hath beene great sale and utterance of wine,
Besides beere and ale, and ipocras fine,
In every country, region, and nation;
Chefely at Billingsgate, at _the Salutation_,
And _Bores Head_, neere London Stone,
_The Swan_ at Dowgate, a taverne well knowne,
_The Miter_ in Cheape, and then _the Bull Head_,
And many like places that make noses red;
_The Bores Head_ in Old Fish Street, _three Cranes_ in the Vintree,
And now of late, St Martin's in the Sentree:
_The Windmill_ in Lothbury, _the Ship_ at the Exchange,
_King's Head_ in New Fish Streete, where roysters do range;
+The Mermaid in Cornhill+; _Red Lion_ in the Strand,
_Three Tuns_ in Newgate Market, Old Fish Street, at _the Swan_."

[235] [An allusion which has been often explained.]

[236] About the year 1631, Archbishop Laud, under the patronage of Charles I., undertook the repairing and rebuilding of St Paul's. On this occasion the king went to the cathedral, and, after divine service was performed, solemnly promised to exert his best endeavours to repair the ruins which time, or the casualties of weather, had made therein. In consequence of this scheme, many applications were made to noblemen and gentlemen for their assistance, and, on their refusal to contribute, some were very severely censured, and even fined.

[237] Most of our ancient maps will sufficiently illustrate this image. The vacant spaces, occasioned by tracts of sea, are usually ornamented with these monsters spouting water.--_Steevens._

[238] Among the illegal modes of raising money adopted by Charles I., after he determined to govern without a parliament; the borrowing of money by writs of privy-seal was one not the least burdensome and oppressive. The manner was to direct these writs to particular persons by name, requiring the loan of money, or plate to the amount of the money, to be paid or delivered to a particular person, for the king's use. The form of the writs may be seen in "The Parliamentary History," xiii., 84, where one of them is printed. [But in this passage this speaker also intends a play on the double meaning of _seal_.]

[239] Alluding to a method of catching pikes.--_Pegge._

[240] [Probably, nimble, sprightly, Fr. _leger_; unless it should be in the sense indicated by Nares in his "Glossary" under Liedger, _i.e._, resident; but Bannswright is not described as a pander.]

[241] A corruption, probably, of _wizand_, or _weazon_.--_Steevens._

[242] Perhaps he means to say _Vin de Dieu_; _i.e._, _Lacrymæ Christi_.--_Steevens._

[243] [The old copy here, and again just below, has improperly Plotwell, for Bannswright must be supposed to maintain his disguise at present.]