Chapter III: Part 3

He put several into my Hands; one mentioned his being the first who broke Ranks, and put the right Wing of the Enemy in Disorder, which was followed by a signal Victory over the _Magpyes_ and _Owls_: Then another mentioned his taking the Royal Banner, in the Battle of _Bellfugaro_: A third certify'd his surprizing a great Convoy of Provisions, carrying to the Enemy's Camp, the Loss of which, made them break up the Siege of _Barbaquero_. In short, he had about Twenty, signed by the General and chief Officers, which spoke him a Fool of singular Gallantry. When I had return'd them, I ask'd, in what he thought I could serve him?

"I beg, _said he_, you wou'd recommend me to the Minister to be
provided for as a superannuated Officer; your Honour cannot do an
Act of greater Charity."

"Sir, _said I_, is it possible you can be so great a Stranger to
the Court, as to imagine Merit carries any Weight with it. Your
Certificates prove you have done your Duty like a gallant Officer;
but then you have done no more than what was expected from you, and
what you were paid for."

"I acknowledge what your Honour says, _replied the Colonel_, but I
can name many, who have run away, or been taken violently ill at the
time of a Battle, and who are not only continued in Post, but even
advanced."

I answer'd, it was very true; but that such Fowls were otherwise serviceable in the Government, had handsome Wives or Daughters, or could procure such of their Acquaintance, or perhaps were elected into the Grand Council of the Nation, and had a Vote to dispose of.

But, Sir, I will deal with you ingenuously, I can do you no Service
at all in this Affair; for the Minister has so many _Bable-Cypherians
(in _English_, Members of the Great Council)_ to oblige, and they
have so many _Valet de Chambres_, Butlers, and Footmen to provide
for in the Hospital, that it's more likely the Officers and Soldiers
now there will be turn'd out to make Place for them, than any other
will be admitted. If you have Interest to get a Number of these
_Bable-Cypherians_ to back your Petition, which you may get, if you
can bribe and cajole the Attendants of their _Squabbaws_, or their
own Valets, it's possible you may succeed in your Pretensions.

"I'll sooner, _said he_, starve, than be guilty of so great a Condescension, or more properly, so mean an Action." This he said with some Warmth, and I replied as coolly, it was in his own Option. "I find then, _said the Colonel_, you won't serve me."

I have, _said I_, given you Reasons which prove this Way I cannot:
But if giving your Petition and Certificates to the Emperor will be
of use, I'll venture to do it for you.

"The Emperor, _replied he_, is a good Prince, but has little Interest with the Minister; and to hope any thing, but thro' his Canal, is altogether vain." Saying this, he took his Leave in a very courteous manner. The Minister was inform'd, that I had entertain'd a long Discourse with this Officer, and ask'd me the Subject of it. I told him what he desired, but that I declined troubling his Excellency with such Trifles.

"These Fowls, _said he_, who build on their own Merit, are extremely
impertinent. The Colonel now in Question is one of your Fowls who
might by his Principles have made a Fortune, had he lived Two or
Three Hundred Years ago; but they are now obsolete, and he starves
by tenaciously practising his musty Morals. Why, he'll have the
Impudence to be always speaking Truth; and tho' he has been thrust
out of the Palace for this Vice more than once, he is not to be
corrected. He will tell a Fowl of Quality without Ceremony, that
he's a Pimp, and was raised by the Hens of his Family: He'll make no
Bones of telling another, if his Prudence made him decline Danger,
that he's a Coward: A Third he'll impudently remind of his former
Livery, tho' his good Fortune has raised him to the Title of a
Grandee. Nay, he had the Face to tell me, upon my refusing to take
his Petition, That it was great Pity, when I was imprisoned for
Peculation, that the Justice of the Nation did not first purge, and
then hang me; that I was a publick Robber, and deserv'd the Gallows
more richly than a common Thief. His Poverty and Folly made me pity
and pardon him, if leaving him to be laugh'd at and starv'd, are to
be esteemed no Punishment. As I really pity'd the Fowl, I found
where he lodged, and supplied him with sufficient to keep him above
Want, tho' I would never trust him with the Knowledge of his
Benefactor, nor would ever after be seen to give him the least
Countenance."

The Character of the _Cacklogallinians_ in general.

The _Cacklogallinians_ were, in former Ages, a Wise and a Warlike Nation, both fear'd and esteem'd by their Neighbours. Their Blood was pure, without being mix'd with that of the _Owls_, _Magpies_, _Eagles_, _Vulturs_, _Jays_, _Partridges_, _Herns_, _Hawks_, or any other Species; the Scum of which Nation, by the Fertility of the Country, and the want of Foresight in the _Cacklogallinians_, has been allured to, and permitted to settle in _Cacklogallinia_, and by their Intermarriages has caused the great Degeneracy those Families, which have kept their Blood untainted, complain of.

The History of their Neighbours are standing Witnesses of the Worth of their Ancestors, and shew the vast Difference between the ancient and modern _Cacklogallinians_. The former, tho' tenacious of their Liberty, were remarkable for their Loyalty; and each thought it his peculiar Interest zealously to promote that of the Publick. But not to be prolix in the Character of the old _Cacklogallinians_, I shall give it in few Words. They were what the _English_ now are, Wise, Modest, Brave, Human, Loyal, Publick-spirited, capable of governing their own, and conquering other Kingdoms; Hospitable to Strangers: They encourag'd Merit, and abominated Flattery. A Pimp in those Days wou'd have starv'd, and even the Concubine of a Prince not been admitted among Hens of Virtue, tho' to make the Fortune of a Husband. There was no Upstarts among the Nobility, and if any were rais'd to Titles, it was by Force of a conspicuous Merit, which gave a Lustre to the August Assembly in which he was enroll'd. Justice was impartially administer'd, and the selling of the People to a Prince or Minister, was a Villainy unknown. None bribed the People to chuse 'em for their Representatives; Posts in the Government were given to Fowls capable to serve it, without being burthened with this or that Family, nor were their Revenues loaded with Pensions to worthless and vicious Persons, and given for Services which would be a Disgrace to publish. Trade flourish'd, Money was plenty, none of their Neighbours durst encroach on their Commerce; their Taxes were inconsiderable: In a Word, as I before said, they were what our happy Nation now is, admired for the Prudence of their Administration at home, and the Terror of their Arms abroad. They are now directly the Reverse of what they were, and even in my Time, they were sinking in the Opinion of their Neighbours, who began to consider them as a declining Nation, which Alteration, I must own (for I love to speak the Truth) was not a little owing to the Administration of my Friend, the first Minister, who in taking upon him to manage the Interests of Nations, went out of his Depth, for Affairs of that Nature seemed to be above his Capacity. His Education, his Study, his Practice, were rather mercantile, than otherwise, and all that Knowledge which his Partizans boast so much in him, was confined to the Business of the Taxes, a Road in which he was (as it were) grown old, and to Money-Projects, which was owing to a strict Correspondence he always kept with certain projecting and mercantile People, and being used to carry all Points at home by Gold, he knew no other way of doing Business abroad; so that when their Neighbours used to differ among themselves, about some Points of Interest, and one Side or other stood in Need of the Assistance of the _Cacklogallinians_, they sometimes push'd themselves into the Quarrel, and perhaps paid great Sums of Money for the Favour of sending Armies to the Succour of one Side or other, so that they became the Tools which other Nations work'd with. They are naturally prone to Rebellion, have let the _Cormorants_ chouse them out of several valuable Branches of their Commerce; and yet the _Cormorants_ are People with whom they have kept the most lasting Friendship of all their Neighbours. They love War, and rather than not fight, they will give Money to be let into the Quarrel (as has been hinted before) they know beforehand, however victorious they may prove, nothing but Blows will fall to their Share. If they are under a mild Government, and grow rich, they are always finding Fault with their Superiors, and ever ready to revolt: But if they are oppress'd and kept poor, like our Spaniels, they fawn on their Masters, and seem in Love with Tyranny; which should any dare to speak against, he is esteem'd an Enemy to the Happiness of his Country. They are very proud, yet very mean in some Particulars, and will, for their Interest, sacrifice the Honour of their Families. They look upon nothing infamous but Poverty, for which Reason, the most scandalous Methods of procuring Riches, such as Lying, Robbing the Publick, Cheating Orphans, Pimping, Perjury, _& c._ are not look'd upon with evil Eyes, provided they prove successful. This Maxim holds with 'em, both in publick and private Affairs. I knew One rais'd from a Fowl of Three Foot Six Inches, to be a _Makeseulsibi_, a Post which rais'd him to Eight Foot Six, and is one of the greatest in the Kingdom. He is to instruct the Grandees, when in Council, in Points of Law, and is Guardian to all Orphans. Complaint was made to the Emperor, that he converted their Estates to his own Use, and left them all to starve; he was therefore, by the Emperor's Consent, and to satisfy the People, brought to a Tryal. He answer'd, That he did not deny the Charge; but that he wanted the Money to make a Figure equal to his Post: However, the Enquiry discover'd his vast Acqusitions, and prov'd him to be so rich, that he was look'd upon with Respect, and he lived and died in as much Grandeur, and Tranquillity, as if he had been a Patriot, and at his Funeral, his great Service to his Country was blazon'd out in Figures and Hieroglyphicks by the Heralds; which being a thing I seem'd amaz'd at, and enquiring of many, how it came to pass, that a Fowl should be treated with Honour, who had been esteem'd an Oppressor? the common Answer was, he died rich, and that was enough for all Honours.

The Religion of the _Cacklogallinians_.

This Nation pretends to believe a first Being, and to worship one God, tho' I confess, when I was first amongst them, I thought otherwise; for I Found the People of the best Rank amongst them always ridiculing Religion. They had formerly a Globe of pure Gold in their Temples, an Emblem of Eternity: It was inscribed with unintelligible Characters, by which they figured the Inscrurability of his Decrees. This some call'd superstitious, and were for having razed, and the Ball, which was, in their Opinion, too big, new melted, and cast into a different Form. Some were for a Square, to give an Emblem, of Justice; others would have it, an Octogon, by which they would shadow his Ubiquity. Another Party insisted upon its being cast again, but in no regular Form; for all Forms and Regularity they look'd upon superstitious. Their Disputes on this Subject ran so high, that they came to Blows, and each Party, as it was victorious, modelled the Globe to his own Humour or Caprice. But the Ball being so often melted, and Part of the Gold being lost in each Fusion, it was at last almost imperceivable. These Bickerings shed a great deal of Blood, and being at length tired with worrying each other upon this Account, a new Globe was cast, but not exactly round, to satisfy tender Consciences. In process of Time, it was thought that a brazen Globe might do as well as one of Gold, and new Disputes beginning to arise, it was decreed, that this Globe should stand in the Temple, but that every one in particular should have at home an Idol after his own Fashion provided they wou'd only bow to this, and the Revenues were continued to the Priests to furnish Sacrifices. The Heads of the Priests at last thinking these Sacrifices altogether needless, and a very great Expence, dropp'd 'em by Degrees: However, some say this was done by some of the Grandees, as a Means to make the Priests less respected, and put the Money in their own Coffers, which has made them both rich and insolent. They were formerly a cunning Set, but they are not look'd upon as such now, for they take but little Care, either to cultivate the Interest, or support the Credit and Dignity of their Order; and as some of them are given to Luxury, which they have not taken due Care to conceal, the common Sort do not entertain the same Respect for them they did in former Times.

However, the poor Clergy (for they are not all rich, Affairs of Religion being modell'd after those of the State, the Great devouring the Small) lead moral Lives, and there is a Sect amongst them which keeps up the golden Ball, continues the Sacrifices, and detests Perjury; but these are obliged to perform their Ceremonies by Stealth, and are prosecuted as an obstinate ill-designing People.

The Grandees have no Statues in their Houses; they own indeed a Deity, some of them at least, but don't think the worshipping that Deity of any Consequence. The meaner People began to be as polite as the Courtiers, and to have as little Religion, before I left _Cacklogallinia_. This Irreligion I can attribute to nothing so much as the Contempt of the Clergy, whom some of the Nobility, especially of the Court, have endeavour'd to render hateful and ridiculous to the People, by representing them as a lazy, useless, Order of Birds, no better than the Drones. They also chufe out now and then, some to place at their Head, who had distinguish'd themselves for their Infidelity, and had declared themselves Enemies to the Religion of the Country, by which means the whole Order lost their Sway with the People; besides which, the richer Sort amongst them were generally reputed to be much addicted to Gluttony.

Of the Policy and Government of the _Cacklogallinians_.

The _Cacklogallinians_ boast mightily of their being the only Nation in the World which enjoys Liberty, and therefore, upon all Occasions, they talk of, and treat the rest of the World as Slaves. They pretend to maintain, that their Monarchy being elective, their Emperors are no more than their Servants, and that they can exercise no longer a Power, than they are pleas'd to give it them, which is just as much as will serve to put the Laws in Execution, and keep the great Machine of Government in good Order; and that whenever he attempts to transgress those Bounds, they make no Ceremony of turning him out, and setting up another in his Room. But, by what I could judge by my own proper Observation, this appeared to me, to be no more than an empty Boast (for indeed the _Cacklogallinians_ are apt to run into an Extravagance of Vanity, whenever they speak of themselves) for in my Time my Friend and Patron the first Minister acted as absolutely, and dependently of all Creatures (except of the _Squabbaws_) as the most arbitrary Prince, who acknowledges no Law but his own Will and Pleasure.

It is, true there is a Council consisting of a great Number of Persons, in whose Name all great Affairs relating to the Civil Government are transacted, the Members of which Council are call'd _Bable-Cypherians_; but it is no Secret, that the first Minister causes whom he pleases to sit in this Council, as well as turns out any Person he dislikes; and while I was amongst them, there happen'd some Instances of what I maintain; and he contrived to have several whom he suspected of being Enemies to his Family, or to his Administration, to be disgraced from the said Council, and others appointed in their Places: Nay, I have often seen several worthless Birds paying their Court to the first Minister, and solliciting him to be admitted into the Great Council, in the same manner that they begg'd for an Employment; yet at the same time, if you were to talk to a _Cacklogallinian_, he wou'd pretend to persuade you, that no Fowl of any Rank or Quality whatsoever can ever sit in the said Council, but by the Majority of free Voices of Persons who are his Equals. But as I oserv'd before, they are so possess'd with a Spirit of boasting, that when they talk of themselves, there is no Regard to be had to any thing they say.

What is most remarkable is, that Hens as well as Cocks frequently stand Candidates to be Members of the said Council, and especially those who are distinguish'd by the Name of _Squabbaws_; and tho' the important Affairs of managing their Amours takes up so much of their Time, that they have but little Leisure to attend such publick Affairs, yet they very much influence what passes there, especially the Court _Squabbaws_, whom I have frequently seen to receive Presents from Persons who had Matters to lay before the said Council. When this happened, it was their Custom to send for my Friend the first Minister, and instruct him how they would have the thing done; upon which Occasions they designedly absented themselves from the said Council, that by their not appearing to favour or oppose such things, the Bribery might not be suspected; and it generally pass'd as well without them, for my good Patron who carried it so loftily to the rest of the World, was nevertheless extreamly their Slave.

As to their Laws, which they pretend to be the best and wisest of any in the World, they are, in Effect, a Source of continual Plague and Vexation to the Subject, which is owing to many Causes, but principally to this, that when a new Law is agreed to pass, the great Council generally appoint such amongst them as are Lawyers by Profession, to word it, or (as we say) to draw it up, who always, in Order to promote the Business of their own Profession, contrive it in ambiguous Terms; so that there is a double Meaning runs thro' every Sentence. This furnishes eternal Matter of Dispute betwixt Party and Party, and at the same time gives the _Caja_ (for so they call a Judge) a Power of putting what Construction he pleases upon the Law. I have my self been frequently present, when the _Caja_ has been sitting to hear and determine Causes, and have observ'd, that when the _Cacklogallinian_ Advocates have been setting forth the Merit of their Cause, and one of them has produced a Precedent, to shew, that such a _Caja_ in former Times, put such a Construction upon such a Law, yet the _Caja_ then presiding has determined the thing quite otherwise, giving for a Reason, _That might be his Opinion, but this is ours._

Upon the whole, the Property of private Birds, which they would make you believe was much safer amongst them, than under any other Government in the World, appeared to me to stand upon a very precarious Foot, since it was always at the Mercy of the Law, and the most cunning and sagacious amongst them could never pretend to be sure what Law was: Nay, it was often found by Experience, that what was Law one Day amongst them, was not so another; so that I could not help thinking, that whenever Party and Party differr'd concerning Matters of Property, the least expensive, and most prudent Method would have been, to have referr'd the Decision of the Cause to some Game of Hazard.

This Ambiguity of the Law makes a corrupt _Caja_ a terrible Plague to the Subject; and it is a Plague which they have often felt, as I found, by consulting their Annals; for frequently, under bad Ministers, Birds have been chosen out for _Caja_'s, not for their Integrity or Knowledge, but for their Obsequiousness to the Commands of those who chose them; and my Patron, the first Minister, was censured for endeavouring to corrupt, and making them as bad as he could. By which Means, and by retaining Spies in the Houses of all Fowl of great Interest and Figure in their Country, it was reported he awed them from attempting any Measures against his Interest, or that of his Family, and that he had threaten'd several with Confiscation and Banishment, when he found them attempting to introduce better Schemes than his own, because such Proceedings might tend to overthrow him.

But this I speak from common Report; for I cannot give any Instances of Corruption in any of the _Caja_'s from my own personal Knowledge; for I conceived so dreadful a Notion of their Laws, that I endeavoured to avoid all Converse with any who belong'd to it.

How often have I reflected on the Happiness of my dear Country, in that Liberty there enjoy'd, where none are oppress'd by Force, or allured by Bribes, to give up their native Freedom; where a self-interested and designing Minister is sure to answer for his Administration to a Parliament freely chosen, consisting of Gentlemen of publick Spirits, Honour, known Probity and Wisdom; whose Fortunes put them above a servile Dependence; who have an Eye to nothing but the publick Good, and exact from the Ministers a just Account of the _Publick Treasure_! When I have seen the Fowl of Honour thrust out to make Place for a Sycophant, Court paid to Pandars and lewd Hens, and no Posts disposed of, but thro' the Interest of Lust; how often, _Britain_, have I congratulated thy Happiness, where Virtue is rewarded, Vice discountenanc'd and punish'd; where the Man of Merit is provided for, and not oblig'd to pay a Levee to the kept Mistress of a Statesman; and where the Ignorant, Pusillanimous, and Vicious, however distinguish'd by Birth and Fortune, are held in Contempt, and never admitted to publick Employment!

When among the _Cacklogallinians_ Taxes are laid, the Money is brought into the publick Treasury, of which the Minister keeps the Keys: He lets this Money out upon Pawns, at an exorbitant Interest. If an inferior Agent is to pass his Accounts, he must share the Pillage with the Minister, and some few Heads of the Grand Council. I knew one paid him Three Hundred Thousand _Rackfantassines_, equal to a Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling, which he computed was about one Third of his Acquisition; and Birds of most abandon'd Reputations are sometimes put into Places of Profit, which, like Spunges, suck all they can, and are easily squeezed again.

As to their Trade, they have, of late Years, lost some of the most advantageous Parts of it to the _Cormorants_, which perhaps might be brought about by several that were _Cormorants_ by Birth, who found Means of working themselves into the Management of their publick Affairs. They seem to endeavour all they can, (for what Policy I know not) to encourage the young _Cacklogallinian_ Nobility and Gentry, in a Contempt of Religion, and in all Debauchery, perhaps to render them supine and thoughtless; and bringing them up without Principle, they may be fit Tools to work the enslaving their Country.

They are extremely severe in their military Discipline: A Soldier, for a trifling Fault, shall have all the Feathers stripp'd off his Back, and a corroding Plaister clapp'd on, which will eat to the Bones in a small Space of Time. For a capital Crime, every one in the Regiment is ordered to peck him as he's ty'd to a Post, till he dies. I have seen one who was condemn'd to this Death have Part of his Entrails torn out of his Side in a few Pecks.

Whoever speaks against the Ministry, is purged or vomited so severely, that he sometimes dies. Even Want of Complaisance to any menial Servant of a Minister, is esteem'd an Affront to his Master, and punish'd by a Year's Imprisonment; but a Slight put on any of the _Squabbaws_, is so heinous, that the Offender is punish'd, as for the highest Scandal. Sometimes it has happened, that Persons Question'd and Convicted for Fraud, Bribery, or other Crimes, by some Turn of Fortune having better'd their Circumstances, have afterwards been raised to Posts of Honour and Trust, and afterwards growing more wealthy, have been look'd upon with the same Esteem as the most worthy. I've known a Sharper, who could neither write nor read, made a _Battano_, in _English_, a Judge Advocate; and what rais'd him was his Dexterity at _Gestaro_, which is like the Play our School-boys divert themselves with, call'd _Hussle-cap_.

Tho' they have a Standing Army, yet the _Cacklogallinians_ are all inlisted, and obliged to serve (in case of an Invasion) without Pay. They have no fortify'd Places, they being look'd upon as a Refuge for Malecontents, except only the imperial Palace. The Reader may wonder how any Place can be fortified against those who can fly over the highest Walls; I must therefore inform him, that their strong Holds have all the open Places cover'd with Canvass stretch'd from Side to Side; upon which is strew'd an Herb so venemous, that, in six Hours after it has been expos'd to the Sun, it emits so pestiferous a Stench, that no Fowl can approach it by many Yards, but what will fall dead; and this Stench, by the Effluvia mounting, is no way offensive to those below. This is the Reason their Sieges are rather Blockades, and no fortify'd Town was ever taken but by starving. For tho' I have said, the _Cacklogallinians_ have no such, yet their Neighbours have this Canvass, and Plenty of the Herb in and about most of their Towns, and can, in Twenty four Hours, put them in a Posture of Defence.

Upon the Decease of any Party, his Estate goes to the eldest of his Children, whether Male or Female; for the others, the Cocks are put into the Army, or to Trades; the Hens are married to the next Relations, who are obliged to take them, or allow them a Pension for Life, according to their Quality. Polygamy is forbid, tho' universally practised among the better Sort. There were publick Colleges erected for the Education and Provision of poor Chickens; but as there is a strong Party, which takes them to be of ill Consequence; they are discountenanc'd so much, that it is thought they must fall some time or other.

The Customs, Manners, Dress, and Diversions of the _Cacklogallinians_.

The _Cacklogallinians_ value themselves on being a polite Nation; and indeed those amongst them who have travell'd, are very complaisant, full of their Professions of Friendship, and Offers of Service, tho' it's the first time they ever set Eyes on the Party to whom they make them; but if he takes this for any more than the Effects of good Breeding, and reminds a Courtier of his Promise, he is look'd upon as one who wants Education, and treated as a Peasant.

They are not at all sociable, tho' they frequently visit each other, which is with much Ceremony amongst the better Sort; for he who makes the Visit, sends before him a Servant to give Notice, that he intends to do himself the Honour to kiss the Spur of the Master of the House. If he is, or will be at home, Answer is made, that he returns Thanks for the Honour intended him, which he will expect with Impatience. When the Visiter arrives, Notice is given to the Family by one of his Servants, who strikes a brass Pan (hung at the Doors of all Persons of Distinction) so long, and with such Violence, that were it in _England_, he'd be indicted for a common Disturber. After this Peal, the Door is opened, and the Visiter received according to his Quality, either at the Street Door, Parlour Door, or in the Hall. He's led in, and seated on a Carpet, enquires after the Welfare of the Family, after which he takes Notice of the Weather, and then with great Ceremony takes his Leave, conducted as he was received.

None visit the Minister of State, neither is there any thing like the _English_ Hospitality seen in the Visits of private Persons; for they never present you any Refreshment, not even that of cold Water, except at a formal Invitation, or a Wedding. At the latter they are very profuse. When a young Couple is married, for a Week they are never seen asunder; but after that, it is look'd upon indecent to be seen with a Wife in any publick Company; and one would think they married to be reveng'd on each other for some former Injuries; for the Wife takes Care to shew her Contempt of her Husband, and he his Aversion to his Wife. They are great Admirers of Puppet-shews and other Spectacles, and will let their Families at Home want Necessaries, rather than not be seen at the Booth. What they most delight in is bloody Spectacles. There are poor _Cacklogallinians_, who fight on Stages for Money; if they cut one another to Pieces, the Spectators go away highly satisfied; but if their Art prevents their shedding much Blood, the Combatants are poorly rewarded, and look'd upon as a Couple of Cheats or Cowards.

A Goat had (as Tradition says) done formerly great Damage to the Corn of _Danafalio_, a Saint in great Veneration amongst them, who lived about Twelve Hundred Years ago; for which Reason, every Family, on a certain Day, diverts it self by breaking the Legs and Ribs of a Goat, and flaying it alive.

Their Burial of the Dead is so expensive, that it often ruines the Heir. When the Corpse is carried out of the House, a Herald goes before, who proclaims the Titles of the Deceas'd: If he has none, he has Three Days Notice to make a Genealogy for him. I saw the Burial of a _quondam_ Taylor, who was nearly ally'd to a first Minister, and heard the Herald's Oration, which was as near as I remember, in these Words.

See, Fellow-Citizens, the Vanity of all sublunary Things! and lament
your own hard Fate in the Loss of the Illustrious _Evanosmador_. If
Virtue, if Art, if Nobility of Blood, could any way have influenc'd
the Tyrant Death, who could boast a greater Soul! Who exceed him in
the Mysteries of his Art! Or lastly, Whose Veins were fill'd with a
more noble Blood!

Here he repeated his Genealogy, which spoke him descended from a Number of Sovereign Princes, Grandees, _Caja_'s, &c.

When the Corpse arrives at the great Market-place, where all the Dead are burnt, a Priest makes a Funeral Oration; which done, a great Number of Mourners, hired for that purpose, begin their Lamentations, which last till the Body is entirely consum'd. The Fire is made with Billets, on which the Arms of the Deceased are either carv'd or painted, which cannot cost less than an _English_ Crown each. Every one of the Company is presented with two of these Billets; one he lays on the Pile, the other he carries home, and hangs up in his House. After the Consumption of the Corpse, the Picture of the Deceas'd is hung over the Door for the Space of Twelve Moons. Their Ceremonies in marshalling the Company are tedious, and therefore I shall not mention them; I shall only take Notice, that the Dead are drawn by Six, or Eight Ostriches, cover'd with Cloath of Gold, upon an open Chariot.

When any begins to sicken, a Physician is sent for, who, after having examin'd the Patient, sends for a _Venenugallpotior_, something like our Apothecary, and gives him his Direction, takes his Fee, which is extravagant enough, and goes into his _Palanquin_; for a Physician, let him be a Second _Hermes_, or _Galen_, will never get Bread, if he does not make a Figure. He's sure to repeat his Visits, Morning and Even, if the Patient as often repeats his Fees; but whenever he finds any Symptoms of a weak Purse, he sets a Mark on that House, and no Intreaties will prevail with him to go under that Roof.

When the Relations of the Sick perceive him past Hopes of Recovery, they fall to plundering his House, neglect him entirely, and very often fall together by the Ears, begin with Blows, and end with a Law-suit, which seldom fails ruining both Plaintiff and Defendant; for their Lawyers rarely bring a Suit to Issue, till their Clients are brought to Beggary; and tho' they all know this to be the Consequence of their Litigation, yet is there no Nation so fond of going to Law.

When any one falls into Poverty, he's look'd upon as infected; for all his Acquaintance shun him; nay, very often his own Children will not own him, if in happier Circumstances: And what will seem wonderful to a _Briton_, who esteems Merit in Rags, and contemns the Vicious, tho' encompass'd with a Crowd of Servants, and distinguish'd by the glaring Titles of his Family; no sooner does a _Cacklogollinian_ grow rich, but all the World courts him, tho' sprung from a Dunghill: And even those who can never hope any thing from him, shew him a profound Respect. Ask who such a one is, and they never tell you, that he is such a Fowl of Honour, or of such good Qualities, but answer, he is worth so much: Nay, Riches give a Man such Superiority, that a Merchant, the Son of a Butcher, presum'd so much upon the immense Sums he possess'd, that he had the Boldness to tell the Emperor to his Face, if he did not prohibit the Importation of Corn (which was then very much wanted) he having a great Quantity by him, would draw his Money out of the publick Treasury, and then his Majesty might see who was able to supply him. The Emperor was advised to lay him by the Heels for his Sawciness, but the good Prince forgave him.

Their Dress is a close Doublet, and a a loose Mantle, which is either rich or plain, fine or coarse, not according to the Quality, but according to the Ability of the Wearer; for very often you can't distinguish, in respect of Dress, the Grandee from the Merchant, or the _Squabbaw_ from her Attendant; for the meaner Sort lay all on their Backs. Their Necks are adorned with Ribbons, Bells, Medals, _&c._ and their Tail-feathers are beautify'd with additional ones from the Peacock, or Figures painted with various Colours, which must be by the Emperor's Permission, as has been before observ'd.

Their Exercises are pretty violent, and they are great Lovers of a Play for which I can find no Name in _English_. They begin with giving their next Neighbour a great Bang with the Wing, which is return'd by a Kick or Peck, or Stroke with the Spur; you would imagine they were so many engaged in a Battle, for they strike without Fear or Wit, and never mind on whom the Strokes light; for every one deals them about promiscuously, and as thick as he can lay them on. They will continue this Diversion, till they are not able to stand, or till some of the Company gets a Wing, a Leg, or a Head broke, or some other Damage, which the Party hurt never takes ill. This Play is indeed practised only among the younger, or the meaner Sort.

They are mighty fond of the _Cuckoo_, and will sit two Hours upon a Stretch to hear a Set of them exercise their natural Talent, for which they are paid and caress'd. I knew a Lady of Quality who gave a Pension of Five Thousand _Spasma_'s, each _Spasma_ worth Two Shillings Sterling, to one of these Birds to sing her to Sleep every Night. The Air of this Country is too cold for these _Cuckoo_'s, who come from a more southern Clime, which is the Reason they stay not above three Years before they wing their Flight home, where they build Palaces with the Profits of their Journey: But as those who return send others in their stead, the _Cacklogallinians_ are never long deprived of the Entertainment these Birds afford 'em.

Another Diversion they have, is the making the Ostriches run Races: The Feeding, Training, and Betting upon these Birds, have ruined many of the noblest Families. They are also mightily addicted to Dice, and will set and lose their Wives and Children, which they sometimes see eaten by the Winner, if he is of Quality.

This small Sketch of the _Cacklogallinians_ I thought necessary, that the Reader might have some Idea of them. I happen'd to be cast on their Coast, just after they had made a Peace with the _Magpyes_, a puissant and neighbouring Nation, after a long, sanguine, and expensive War, which had well nigh exhausted the Forces and Treasure of both Parties, occasioned by the _Cacklogallinians_ pretending they had a Right to nominate a Successor to the Emperor _Chuctinio_, who was in an advanced Age, and without issue; and the _Magpyes_ pretended their King, as a Relation to that Emperor, had a Right to succeed to the Throne of the _Bubohibonians_, which is the Nation of _Owls_.

All the neighbouring States join'd the _Cacklogallinians_, in endeavouring to prevent this vast Increase of Power to the _Magpyes_, since it must necessarily destroy the Balance of Power; and as their prince was both powerful and ambitious, they apprehended he would aim at an universal Monarchy: But then they would not allow the _Cacklogallinians_ had any more Right than their Neighbours, to name a Successor; and if that Monarchy were to fall to the Share of any powerful Prince, it might be as dangerous to the common Good, as if yielded to the _Magpyes_; they therefore would have it divided.

The Peacock, who pretends to be the High-Priest of all Nations, and exacts on that Account Tributes from them, and calls himself the Disposer of Kingdoms, had his Tributes stopp'd by the _Magpyes_, about the same time; and complaining of this Injury, he invited _Bigoteasy_ to declare War against _Gripeallyominte_, King of the _Magpyes_, which, on account of former Friendship, he absolutely refused. This so enraged the good High Priest, that he raised a Rebellion against him; he was dethron'd, taken Prisoner by his Subjects, and died in Confinement, and his Kingdom given by the Peacock, and the unanimous Consent of the People, to the greatest Prince that History ever mention'd, either for Wisdom or Bravery.

These Wars lasted Sixty and Seven Years, and the _Cacklogallinians_ bore the greatest Share of the Expence; which had so far indebted them, that every Brain was at Work to project Methods for raising Money to pay the Interest.

These Schemes, which were every Day presented to the Minister, grew so numerous, that, had he applied himself to nothing else but their Examination, it would have taken up a great Part of his Time: And, indeed, I must own, that my Friend, the first Minister, gave himself but very little Trouble in things of this Nature, for all his Schemes, and all his Thoughts center'd in himself; and when I have gone to carry him Intelligence in a Morning, and all the great Fowl that came to pay their Levee, have been answer'd, that he was busy in his Closet upon Affairs of Importance to the State, and saw no Company, I have found him (for there were Orders for admitting me) either writing Directions concerning his Ostriches, or his Country Sports, or his Buildings, or examining his private Accounts; and tho' I often thought but meanly of my own Species, yet I began to think, from the Conduct of this great Minister, that a Cock was a far more selfish, and more worthless Animal than Man; insomuch, that I have so despised them ever since, as to think them good for nothing but the Spit.

The Schemes which he put in Practice were all the Invention of others, tho' he assum'd the Credit of them; and I will be bold to say, that, before my Time, amongst Numbers that were offer'd to him, he generally chose the worst.

I was therefore order'd, after I had been two Years at Court, to take this Business upon me, with the Title of _Castleairiano_, or Project Examiner, and a Salary of Thirty Thousand _Spasma_'s. The first Project offer'd me, was the laying a Tax on Cloath, and all manner of Stuffs. This I rejected, because it being the chief Manufacture of the Country, it would, by raising the Price abroad, be a Hindrance to the Commerce of the Nation, and give the _Cormorants_ who made it, tho' nothing so fine as the _Cacklogallinians_, an Opportunity, by under-selling them, to become the chief Merchants in this Branch of Trade. But it would be tedious to mention the many Offers, with my Reasons for accepting or rejecting them, which I once a Week gave a List of to the Minister, who was often so good as to approve my Judgment.

There were Projects for taxing Soot, Corn, Ribbons, for coining all the Plate of the Nobility, for prohibiting the wearing of Gold or Silver. Some were for the Government's taking all the Torchtrees (which gave a Light, and are used like our Candles) and dispose of them, by which great Sums might be raised. Some were for laying a Tax on all who kept Coaches; others upon all who wore Silver or Gold Spurs: But these touching only the Rich, the Minister would not listen to. The Tax which he approved of most, was on the Light of the Sun, according to the Hours it was enjoy'd; so that the poor Peasant, who rose with it, paid for Twelve Hours Day-light, and the Nobility and Gentry, who kept their Beds till Noon, paid only for Six.

Another Tax was laid upon those who drank only Spring Water. This fell altogether on the Poor, for the better Sort drank the Juice of a certain Tree imported from the _Bubohibonians_.

Whoever had not an Estate in Land of an Hundred _Spasma_'s was also tax'd Ten _Spasma_'s a Year, to be paid out of their Day Labour. He who deliver'd a Project of fetching Gold from the Moon, was caress'd prodigiously, and his way of reasoning approved; tho' I gave it in with a [+] as rejected by me, yet he was rewarded, and Preparation order'd for the Journey, in which I was commanded to accompany him: For, he insinuated to the Minister, that it was possible the Inhabitants might be of my Species; nay, that I myself might have dropp'd out of that World, which was more reasonable than to believe the Story I told, of having pass'd so great a Sea; and that I very likely had form'd this Story out of a Tenderness to my Country lest his Imperial Majesty should attempt its Conquest.

He had so possess'd the Minister with this Notion, that my arguing against it was to no purpose. He told me one Day, That all the Philosophers allow'd, nay, maintain'd, that both Animals, Vegetables, and Minerals, were generated, grew, and were nourished, by the Spirit of the World: A Quintessence partaking of all the Four Elements, tho' it was no One, might be called Air, and was not; Fire, and was not Fire, _&c._ That this Spirit was assisted by the Influence of the Planets, and tended to the highest Perfection of Purity. That all Metals were generated by the said Spirit, and differ'd from one another, but according to the Purity or Impurity of the _Matrices_ which receiv'd it. That as the Planets Influence was necessary, that of the Moon must, as the nearest to the Earth, be the most efficacious: That as it was visible to the Eye, the Moon was more depurated than the Earth; was surrounded by a thinner Air, in which the Spirit of the World is more abundant, and was nearer to the other Planets, he naturally concluded, that it must abound in Gold Mines; and this Conclusion was strengthened by the Mountains discernible in the Moon; and Mountains being mostly rocky, afforded the purest _Matrice_ for the Universal Spirit; so that it seem'd to him impossible, that any other Metal, less pure, could be generated in that World. That such Metals, for their Use, were often preferable to Gold, and that in denying my Descent from thence, I was in Fact, doing an Injury to those I wish'd to serve, since by Intercourse with those Inhabitants, both Worlds might find their Advantage.

I answered his Excellency, That I wished he might ever find his and his Country's Good, in all his Undertakings, since I had so great Obligations to both; but that what I had told him of my self was every way consonant to Truth; that I was so far from being an Inhabitant of the Moon, that I did not believe it habitable; and if it were, I did not think a Voyage thither practicable, for Reasons I wou'd give the Projector, whenever his Excellency would condescend to hear my Objections and his Answers: That if he, after that, would persist in the Undertaking, she should find me ready to sacrifice that Life in the Attempt, which I held from his Goodness.

Well, _return'd he_, to morrow I will have him at my House, don't
fail being there at Dinner; I will be denied to every one else, and
hope his Reasons will convince you; for I have, I own, a greater
Opinion of your Veracity, in what relates to this Affair, than of
your Judgment.

The next Day I waited on his Excellency, where I found the Projector mention'd. He began the Discourse, addressing himself to me, after the usual Ceremonies.

"I am sorry, _said he_, to find what I propos'd meet with any
Objection from one whose Penetration makes me fear some Obstacle
considerable, which has escaped my Scrutiny. However, if I have
the Mortification to have my Views baffled, yet shall I reap
the Advantage of being instructed in what I am ignorant of. His
Excellency has commanded me to lay before you what my Reasons are,
for supposing the Moon an inhabited Globe. I shall therefore, with
all possible Brevity, obey his Excellency's Commands. I shall not
name the ancient Sages, both of this and the neighbouring Nations,
who have been of the same Opinion, because I have already cited them
in my Memorial; but shall first offer you some Principles on which I
have, beside the Authorities mention'd, founded my own.

"First, I esteem the Moon an opaque solid Body, as is our Earth, and
consequently adapted for the Entertainment and Nourishment of its
Inhabitants. Now, that it is a solid Body, is evident by the
Repercussion of the Light which it receives from the Sun."

"Sir, _said I_, you are here begging the Question; for it is
possible, that the Moon of itself is a luminous Body; and I am
apt to believe it such for this Reason: Its Light is seen in more
than one Place at a time, whereas a Body which gives a Light by
Reflection only, that Light is perceivable in that Point alone,
where the Angle of Reflection is equal to that of Incidence."

He answer'd,

My Objection did not hold good in regard to a Body whose Surface is
rugged and uneven, as is that of the Moon. That it is an opaque and
solid Body, is visible by the Eclipses of the Sun; for a pellucid
Body could not deprive us of the Light of that glorious Planet. That
the Moon does eclipse the Sun in the same manner as our Earth
eclipses the Moon (as all know it does) makes me conclude these two
Bodies of a Nature, since the like Interposition produces the like
Effect. When I say they are of a Nature, I mean opaque, which to
prove, I argue thus: If this Planet be of it self luminous, it must
appear much brighter when eclips'd in its _perigée_, or nearest
Distance from the Earth, and its Light must be less consequently
when in its _Apogée_, or greatest Distance from it; for the nearer a
luminous Body approaches the Eye, the stronger Impression it makes
upon the Sight. Beside, the Shadow of the Earth, had the Moon any
innate and peculiar Light, cou'd not obscure it, but, on the
contrary, would render it more conspicuous, as is evident to Reason.

"Now Experience shews us, that the Moon appears with the greater
Light eclips'd in its _Apogée_, or greater Distance, and more
obscure when in its _Perigée_, or nearer Distance, consequent has no
peculiar Light of its own. That a Shadow could obscure its inherent
Light, had it any, would be making a Body of a Shadow, which is so
far from being corporeal, that it is nothing but a Deprivation of
the Light of the Sun, by the Interposition of the opaque Body of the
Earth.

"I could give many more Reasons, but to avoid Prolixity, I refer you
to my Memorial, knowing how precious Time is to your Excellency.

"I shall now speak of the principal and constituent Parts of this
Planet; to wit, the Sea, the firm Land; its Extrinsicks, as Meteors,
Seasons, and Inhabitants."

"I find, _said his Excellency_, you have forgot what you promised,
the being concise; you have already couch'd what you are going to
repeat, in Writing. I am satisfied that you have in your Memorial
demonstrated, that the Moon is like ours, a World, and this Earth,
like that, a Planet; I would willingly hear if _Probusomo_ can bring
any Objection of Weight to the undertaking the Journey; for I look
upon the Distance which you have computed to be about 179712
_Lapidians_ (answerable to so many _English_ Miles) to be none at
all, since we have _Cacklogallinians_, who, with Provisions for a
Week, will fly 480 _Lapidians_ a Day, and hold it for many Days. But
this Swiftness, as you have made appear, is not requisite, since you
judge, that in ascending some five _Lapidians_, you will have
reach'd the Atmosphere, and the rest will be attended by no other
Fatigue, than that of preventing too swift a Descent. Propose what
you have to object, _Probusomo_, for I will provide you able
Bearers, who shall carry you, and with the Strength of theirs,
supply your Defect of Wings."

I answer'd, That since his Excellency commanded, I would give in those Objections which occurr'd: The first was the extream Coldness of the Air; the second its great Subtlety, which to me made this Undertaking impracticable; besides, the Distance is such, by the learned Gentleman's Calculation, that could the _Cacklogallinians_, without resting, fly at the rate of 1500 _Lapidians_ a Day, the Journey could not be ended in less than six Moons: That there were no Inns in the Way, nor Places to rest in; and supposing we could carry Provisions for that Length of Time, I could not perceive how they could be always on Wing, and subsist without Sleep.

His Excellency seem'd to think the Difficulties I rais'd merited Consideration, and after some Pause, asked the Projector, if he could solve them.

"As to the first Objection, my Lord, _said he_, I answer, that altho'
the second Region may be endow'd with Coldness proper for the
Production of Meteors, yet may it not be unsupportable; neither can
we suppose, that the Air above, which if not destin'd to the same
End, is of the same Nature, but on the contrary, we may rather
suppose it exempt from all Extremes, consequently our Passage thro'
this cold Region being performed, which we have Reason to conclude
but short, for this condens'd Air which encompasses the Earth on
every Part, weighs about 108 _Liparia_'s on a Square Inch (_Liparia_
is near a Sixth of our Pound) and we may very easily compute from
thence, what Space of this Air we have to pass, by computing what is
necessary to support this Globe of Earth, we shall find the Ætherial
altogether temperate.